i hate that john mulaney knows the definition of the word “twink” and is able to use it correctly

The passwords of past, you’ve correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test!

the bread of god is bread
he will bring us bread
no one but the one from jericho
can bring bread to bread 
the bread of bread is bread
bread is god is bread

SHE IS A DYNAMITE 5 FOOT JEWISH BITCH, AND SHE'S THE BEST

college was like a four year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?

CAUSE 👏 
I 👏 
WAS 👏 
OVER 👏 
ON 👏 
THE 👏 
BENCH 👏

“do you have a best buy rewards card?”

             “no, I WISH!”

“do you.... want a best buy rewards card?”

             “.......no.”

you know leonard bernstein was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century but sometimes he would be gay

STREET SMARTS!

street smarts bit > the entire mcu

i declare john mulaney the only funny human person in existence, anyone who agrees say aye

I FEEL LIKE THIS DEFINITELY ISN’T THE FUNNIEST PART BUT THE “it’s tomorrow now” MADE ME LAUGH THE HARDEST SOMEBODY LITERALLY DID THAT THE OTHER DAY I HAVE BEEN TO SO MANY SLEEPOVERS IN MY CHILDHOOD WHERE THAT ONE PERSON THINKS IT’S BIG BREAKING NEWS THAT TIME WORKS LIKE THAT AND IF I’M GONNA BE HONEST SOMETIMES IT WAS ME YEAH I SAID IT THAT WAS MY LINE AND THAT’S MY WIFE