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The Agony and the Ecstasy - Paul Schrader’s First Reformed abides by the two. A responsibility of selflessness, compassion, and community conflicts with the desire to understand oneself, to become impersonal for the sake of solace. Reverend Toller finds the worst in both extremes – a sobering discovery in modern times. His fortress, or his homestead, mountains surrounding the border, is First Reformed Church – a last stand against Abundant Life megachurch (which Toller is subservient to), young right-wing extremists, and clear-cut religious philosophies. Toller attempts to speak for all, and he is frequently lambasted for being too vague, too opaque, lost in the mystery hanging in the air. His church is the eye in a hurricane, and it’s…

Beyond masturbatory, there is no reason anybody needs to be as self-mortifying as Reverend Toller yet I find myself loving this for the same reason I want to hate it: I see myself too much in him.

First watch had me enraptured with the environmental destruction and left me in a similar state as Toller. All these latent worries that had been building up over years... I mean, how could anybody not break down? Climate change is something that's constantly looming and only gets worse every year. We can only take so much news of rising water levels, dwindling species population, unusual weather patterns, and so much more until these things eventually become normalized; and yet, somewhere in the back…