Even by the standards of an independently financed $146 million Roland Emmerich movie about the Moon falling onto the Earth, “Moonfall” (solid title!) is still breathtakingly stupid. Every line is stupid. Every reveal is stupid. Every inference that conspiracy theorists could save us all if only people would listen to what they have to say is stupid — not stupid as opposed to being serious, but stupid in lieu of being smart. That slight yet pivotal distinction epitomizes the sheer joylessness of Emmerich’s latest mega-slog, which betrays the dumb fun promised by its marketing campaign in favor of a po-faced interplanetary pileup that unfolds less like a B-movie spectacle with a NASA-worthy budget than it does a blockbuster remake of…

“The moon must survive.”
“You’re part of the moon now.”

Knew this was sci-fi cause it starts with Patrick Wilson acting like he can’t sing beautifully. Elon Musk-worshipping hero gets a lovely, almost-emotional scene that is ruined by a weird “buhhh i got gut problems” joke. Michael Pena quietly sets up a dislike of guns just for a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it joke whose punchline is “guns are actually cool.” Advertising is so prevalent in this movie, Kaspersky and Lexus should get billing on the poster.

This is the exact kind of movie people like to defend by saying “just turn your brain off and enjoy it,” which is just so insanely dumb and thoughtless in several ways that it always annoys me.…