"Oh Jen, they hurt your arm..." [Kira picks up a clump of dirt and lazily slaps it onto Jen's arm] "Here, this moss will make it better." Jen is septic now, and needs IV treatment in order to live.

The Dark Crystal is a cult classic, and it's pretty easy to see why. This movie is the missing link, the piece of evidence theorists have been searching for ages to find. Let me enlighten you heathens. The Dark Crystal is clearly set millions of years after the Fallout franchise. We can see that the mirelurk (now goons for the Skeksis, or the scoliosis as I like to call them) have evolved into a few more legs, but are still as distinct as ever. I would recognize those annoying scuttling legs anywhere.
However, this next link is the real game changer. At the start of the movie, you may have noticed that the two dying birds turn into dust and crumble. THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. I have more evidence: Kira's death scene looks strangely familiar as she lies in Jen's arms... because this scene perfectly mirrors Spiderman's death scene in Avengers: Infinity War. The birds were Thanosed. The Dark Crystal is officially part of MARVEL EXTENDED UNIVERSE. Let me explain. At the end of Infinity War, the Avengers are defeated, and Thanos' rise to power is complete. Our few remaining heroes plan to regroup and re-challenge the purple menace for the infinity gauntlet and their friends' lives, but something must have gone wrong. There was one variable unaccounted for that is responsible for Thanos' second victory against the surviving members of the Avengers. That's right: not only does The Dark Crystal predict Avengers: Endgame's finale almost 40 years in advance, it also predicts the inception of the Thanos Car. With the omnipotent Thanos Car, Thanos is able to travel between universes and time, and eventually instigates the beginning of The Dark Crystal's events.

Jokes (or are they?) aside, The Dark Crystal is unintentionally hilarious. From the terrible dubbing to the jarring tonal shifts, this movie had me in stitches the whole way through. The movie goes from a beautiful and peaceful riverside song, to the horrific genocide of podling children, and then back to a fun and adventurous romp through the forest on the backs of lumbering turtle-horses. Said turtle-horses are quickly mutilated by the mirelurks and never seen or heard from again. What fun.

Most importantly, the visuals. Sure, the environments are beautiful and feature possibly the most creative species designs I have ever seen. The designs truly sew personality and soul into an otherwise ridiculous movie, and are definitely memorable for this aspect alone. However, holy fuck, the faces are absolutely hideous. This entire movie must have been set in uncanny valley, because watching makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

To finish my review up in a similar fashion to the movie I have a final detail I've got to mention. This one vulture dude, Chamberlain, constantly said 'Hmmmmmmm'. Every scene he's in ends in him saying 'Hmmmmmmmm.' In his introduction, he says 'Hmmmmmmmmm' 6 times in the period of 40 seconds. In total, he says 'Hmmmmmmmmmm' 25 times. Very interesting, HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.