HOOP-X #43 of CINEMONSTER's Hooptober X: Hooptober, Hooptober Let Satan Come Over

My Fully Weird List and Complete Set of Reviews can be found here: Slappy McGee's Hoop-Tober 10.0 List.

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First off -- This movie is a 1/2-star movie on its "merits".
HOWEVER -- this movie is a 5-star movie in its sheer ridiculous entertainment value.

I had a fucking blast watching this piece of shit!
LOVED EVERY TERRIBLE MINUTE!

So much so... that for my REVIEW, I decided to chronicle every terrible minute.

This "review" may not be for everyone... and that's okay.
I got a kick out of writing it all out. ...heh...

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Okay, here is my MINUTE-BY-MINUTE thoughts of DRACULA 3000:

(I zip by credits with bad computer graphics from 10 years prior)

* 3:07 * - UDO KIER is in this!?!? FUCK YES!!! Why didn't I know this?!? UDO makes an appearance holding a motherfucking crucifix. Yes, please.

* 3:36 * - I learn that there is a SUBTITLE that is not on the poster or any of the promotion materials. "INFINITE DARKNESS" This is also when I discover for the first time that this all takes place in space. Man, I'm out of the "loop" on this one.

* 3:50 * - The Captain is "Abraham Van Helsing". Okay, it's gonna be that kind of movie. I feel ya, movie. I feel ya. Holy shit... is this Captain gonna be played by Casper Van Dien?!? (...*looks it up*... fuck yeah it is... oh dear lord... hold on, world, here we go...)

* 4:08 * - A cargo ship named the DEMETER (more Bram Stoker grabs... nice...) is spotted in the CARPATHIAN System. Ha! Nothing unusual about that, space mo-fos! Hahaha... ummm... oh yes there is.

* 4:30 * - "Ticking Clock" established somewhat. They need to salvage the Demeter ship that is unexpectedly drifting towards earth before the mysterious "Confederation" can claim it. And Captain Casper only has 5 other crew members:

-- The Professor - smart but arrogantly overconfident
-- Mina - Another Stoker name grab for the Navigator of the ship
-- Humvee - A "heavy lifter" brute of some kind
-- 187 - Named after the penal code for "murder" is supposed to be a smart stoner
-- Vice Captain Aurora Ash - Supposed to be tough and beautiful. Because of course she has to be.
-- Ginger & Mary Ann & the Skipper and... Gilligan... - Wait. No, that's not true. Just wishful thinking.

* 6:13 * - We get our "first look" at the live actors and it is close-ups of two noses. One is definitely Casper Van Helsing, the other I'm guessing is the Professor. PULL BACK THE CAMERA, DP!! PULL IT BACK!!! TOO CLOSE!

* 7:24 * - UDO is back! Hooray! It wasn't a one-off. Apparently he's the ill-fated captain of the Demeter and this was 50 years ago. But "Dracula 2950" doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Udo explains that his crew is afflicted with something. mmmmmmmmm... wonder what it could be in a movie with the word "Dracula" in it?

* 9:59 * - Mina, our sexy navigator has been sent out to investigate the spooky ship. BREAK OUT THE FOG MACHINES, CARL! Then she begins running for her life from fast moving shadows. And all the Professor has to offer is: "Shit, this is disconcerting." ....yeah, you think?

* 10:21 * - JUMP SCARE 01 - Mina is hugged by.... Humvee! Who turns out to be played by TINY LISTER!!!! Why didn't y'all tell me that!!!??? Why didn't the Professor and Capt. Casper Van Diensing tell Mina that big ol' dude was ON THE DEMETER TOO!?! Liked to have scared that poor girl to damn death!

* 10:56 * - Mina - the NAVIGATOR - claims she got turned around and got lost. Yeah... no irony there at all. Great navigation, kid. Who hired this crew again?

* 11:07 * - Tiny Humvee calls Mina a "shameless Ho". Hm. Seems a bit rude... and badly written. (Was it written or a bad Tiny adlib...?)

* 11:26 * - Back on board "Mother III" (...is this a tip of the cap to computer on the Nostromo in the original "Alien" movie?... maybe...), we are still only seeing noses and eyes... sometimes lips of Capt. Casper the Friendly Helsing and the Professor. Ugh. Getting old, boys.

* 12:17 * - Tiny Humvee plays a "prank" on Navigator Mina by pretending he can't breathe the air in the Demeter when they take their masks off. Nobody is fooled - well, we aren't, but Mina is. When she tries to help him, Humvee forces a sloppy kiss on her. Yeah, SHE'S the "Shameless Ho". Riiiiiight, Mr. Sexual Assaulter. Man, ol' Tiny Humvee is really gonna die ugly. Then he says this ol' standby while laughing: "Once you go black, you never go back!" Yep. Gonna get vampired really, really ugly.

* 12:40 * - Humvee with another winner of a line: "I ain't never gonna get no action on this damn ship!" Ummm... I beg to differ, Humvee. There be Vampires about.

* 13:12 * - Well, shit. It's turns out the PROFESSOR is in a wheelchair. In space. Somewhere Jude Law from "GATTACA" is really pissed off. I mean, really pissed off.

*13:39 * - UDO part 3! More backstory. Good ol' crazy as fuck Udo.

* 14:35 * - A giant-as-fuck BONG. It's 187. HOLY SHIT, IT'S COOLIO!!! Getting high as hell, as Coolio is want to do. Listening to old school rap... in the year 3000. And he's got a surfboard. Calling people "dude". Shit's getting weird, ya'll... weirdER I should say.

* 16:17 * - Turns out the DEMETER CARGO SHIP is NOT handicap accessible. Who'd have thunk it? Answer: Everyone. So, ol' PROFESSOR X has to be carried down metal stairs. Sure that's safe for everyone. Why the fuck is he exploring this ship again, and not back on their home ship Mother III?!?

* 17:13 * - Capt. Casper says to Humvee: "I put up with your shit because you're BIG, BLACK and UGLY." Two of those things make no sense. Well... it makes the captain kinda racist and kinda narcissistic. But also, just really, really stupid to say that to big ol' TINY! What a dumbass.

* 18:02 * - UDO 4. More backstory! Not looking good for the Demeter 50 years ago. Quarantine. Barely power. Damn, they may not make it. ...wait a minute...

* 19:40 * - Navigation Mina turns out to have the best idea yet. She suggests that they leave NOW. Smart lady. Sure, no one is going to listen and these will turn out to be the Famous last words of the crew, but still... good thinking, NaviMina! (...by the way... is she wearing a fur coat?...)

* 20:03 * - FIRST DEAD DEMETER CREW MEMBER ENCOUNTER! A long-haired skeleton. Yes, hair DOES grow in space. This IS kind of like "Alien". Hmmmmmm.

* 20:21 * - Tiny Humvee makes a "STIFF" joke to the female VICE CAPTAIN. Wait. Where do I know her from? (...*looks her up*...) Holy hell. It's Playboy Centerfold Erika Eleniak!!! I actually know her from jumping out of a cake in Under Siege and hanging out with Jethro as Elly May Clampett in The Beverly Hillbillies. She was also in "Baywatch" too apparently. All that to say... she's easy on the eyes.

* 20:25 * - Yeah, if Humvee doesn't get killed by a vampire soon, he's gonna get written up for sure.

* 21:10 * - The hippy skeleton is tied to the chair holding a crucifix. Um... red flag, anyone? Hell, these Gen-50X'ers don't even know what a crucifix is apparently. So they know 90's rap and slang, but nothing on the crucifix. Okay then.

* 23:01 * - UDO V: A New Beginning Turns out Udo filmed all these "VidLogs" in a 15-minute filming session. Looks like he's reading most them by the way his pupils are moving. ...heh... It's okay, Udo. I still love you.

* 24:08 * - Capt. Van Dien says the ship is worth 15 million "credits". The Vice Capt. Baywatch suggests that they leave it here and report it. Uh... the WOMEN SEEM TO BE THE ONLY SMART ONES HERE!

* 24:29 * - Tiny Humvee makes another sexist joke. This script is so mint... for misogynists. ViceCap Elly May flips him the "PINKIE". Okay. I guess that's the way they "flip the bird" in the future. Signing the letter "i" must have taken that one on the chin.

* 25:29 * - They all split up to look for shit. The BLACK GUYS go looking for something to smoke. (Uh.... Not racist at all. Move along. Nothing to see here. Nothing to see.) The SMART WOMEN want to leave the ship alone. CAPT. the FRIENDLY CASPER goes off looking for UDO's VidLog. PROFESSOR CHARLES XAVIER goes off looking for a wheelchair ramp.

* 26:45 * - A Russian hammer and sickle symbol appears on the Demeter computer. We were at war with the Russkies in 2004? I don't think so. Odd. Then something disengages their home ship Mother III and it takes off leaving them all TRAPPED (!!!) on the Demeter. Sigh. Why were they all on the Demeter. Why was NO ONE left on their own ship. Not even the wheelchair dude. Goddammit. They are ALL getting fired!!!! ... or eaten.

* 29:04 * - COOLIO and TINY discover a Cargo Bay full of coffins. Maybe 30 or so. Warning sign, fellas? Nope. Coolio seems disappointed that he can't smoke them.

* 30:11 * - Coolio - conveniently - finds a crowbar lying nearby and opens one of the coffins and - conveniently - cuts himself in the process. He's bleeding pretty badly. Dripping his blood - conveniently - into the coffins. Yep, that's about the way things are going in this film.

* 31:17 * - NaviMina comes in and scolds them for opening caskets that are full of sand. Coolio responds: "Save your rhetoric!" Yeah, his character actually says that. Like I said... helluva script.

* 32:00 * - Capt. Casper Van DumbAss walks into a room full of crosses and says "Sweet Jesus". In a culture that doesn't even know what the concept of "God" is, I'm sure that's exactly what he would say. But the "on-the-nose" joke was too good for them to pass on. Fuck it, let's roll with it!

* 32:12 * - Capt. Van Curser then finds UDO 6! The VidLog talks about departing TRANSYLVANIA Station. ....sigh.....

* 33:21 * - Everybody hears Coolio screaming and they all run to see what's up. Well... except for PROFESSOR XAVIER who wants somebody to stay and not leave him. What was your plan, Charles, if you guys encountered something on the ship? Yep... you were bait, dude.

* 33:47 * - Coolio has a bone sticking out of his leg. Hm. Might be injured. He passes out. I almost do myself while watching all these goddamn closeups. What the hell?!!? Driving me crazy.

* 35:09 * - Tiny Humvee makes fun of the crippled guy. Says his passed out buddy Coolio will also be a "wheelchair wheel-poppin' test tube baby". Nice. At least he's an equal-time hater on all kinds of things! If he doesn't watch it, Capt. Van White Guy is going to give him a stern talking to! (Why isn't this guy dead yet?)

* 37:03 * - They lay Coolio on a POOL TABLE - yes, that's right, they have old school pool 1000 years in the future... so, I guess all hope is not lost. Also Coolio's neck is discovered to have BITE MARKS on it.
*DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!!!!*

* 37:40 * - JUMP SCARE 02!!! Coolio gets SUPER RED EYES and grabs Capt. Casper's neck. Oh... and he has Vampire Teeth now! Fight with CoolioVampire ensues:

-- Vampoolio beats up Professor X. Kicking him while he's down. Literally.
-- Vampoolio throws Capt. Van DumbAss across the room.
-- ViceCakeStripper comes in with a big rifle and aims it at Vampoolio. At which point, Count Coolio proceeds to tell her that he's always wanted to "ejaculate all over her bazongas". I shit you not.
-- He also says "I stroked my anaconda while dreaming of your Snow White ass." This is actual dialogue.
-- He ends with another treasure saying: "I betcha that pussy's sweeter than a honey bun." Shakespeare would be proud.

* 40:45 * - After shooting Count Coolio Foulmouth several times to no avail, ViceCap Playmate throws down the rifle (?!?!?) and lightly jogs away. Not runs. just casually jogs off.

* 41:37 * - As CountCoolio chases ViceChest through random hallways, TinyVee returns to see what's up. CaptCasper says 187 wants to kill Aurora, but ProfessorX chimes in: "But I believe he wants to titty fuck her first." .......... terrible line - but I must admit that I laughed so hard when I heard it.

* 42:21 * - CountCoolio looks for ViceCap's tits on the Coffin Cargo Bay and runs into the HEAD HONCHO VAMPIRE. FINALLY. And who is it? Ummmm... some random, well-groomed white guy. Wearing a gothic-looking ascot and puffy sleeves and a vampire Halloween cape. He tells CountCoolio to KILL THEM ALL. CountCoolio agrees, hops off and momentarily forgets about his breast search.

* 44:44 * - Ascot Vampire has found ViceTits all by himself. He begins stroking her neck and upper breastal region with his pointy finger jewelry and she asks him what he wants. He replies: "Infinite Darkness!" There's the subtitle. There it is.

Oh, and then he bites her.

* 45:33 * - ProfessorX tells NaviMina to get a weapon and man the door. She does so very casually, dismisses there being any danger by standing in the hallway and saying: "See? Nothing." Famous Last Words.

She gets mauled by CountCoolio. JUMP SCARE 03

* 48:22 * - ViceTits shows back up and tells them all she has seen "him" and his name is "COUNT ORLOCK" of Transylvania - a planet of Vampires. PS... I've seen that movie.

* 49:54 * - TinyVee says: "All this bloodsucking stuff, that's some white people shit, right?"

* 50:59 * - While Capt.Van.Dumb.Ass looks for bite marks on ViceTits' neck, another giant Russian flag mounted on the wall is spotted. What the serious hell is going on? Director must have had a surplus of them in his closet.

* 52:00 * - Young Count Orlock runs down a corridor - for what reason? We do not know. And - yes - he wears the full Dracula get-up with a cape complete with a pointy collar. Looks a bit silly - well, that's an understatement.

* 52:21 * - Closeup of Tiny Lister's messed-up weird right eye. It's all cloudy and looking in the wrong direction. Seriously. That could be the creepiest thing in this movie.

* 52:35 * - TinyVee has ViceTits tied up and she offers to let him see her naked if he unties her. He says: "I know as soon as I let you up, you're gonna be all vampire on my black ass." Extra Spicy Mint.

* 55:37 * - CaptDumbAss and ProfX look up "vampires" online. ...sigh...

* 58:08 * - CountCoolio bangs on the door to get his buddy TinyVee to open it for him. He says: "We brothers got to stick together."

* 59:01 * - Despite ViceTits' warning to not open the door, TinyVee finally does..... and there stands CountCoolio with Red Eyes and Vampire Teeth. He says: "Dude, I can't believe you fell for the 'we brothers got to stick together' routine. You know that's been the downfall of many a black man."

* 1:01:45 * - A nearby pool stick comes in handy for the inevitable TinyVee vs. CountCoolio Showdown. (Seriously, why isn't Humvee dead yet?!?!)

* 1:03:31 * - ViceTits reveals she's a robot undercover cop. Because... why not at this point?

* 1:04:11 * - CapDumbAss has a realization that he's slept with a robot.

* 1:04:49 * - WhiteBreadDracula is still walking down the long corridor. That's a hell of a long fucking corridor.

* 1:07:31 * - Everyone goes off to search for more pool cues - like you do. And a plan emerges to head for a planet that has two suns so that they can kill the vampire. Okay then, ProfessorX, whatever you say. But remember you were the one who got everyone all trapped on the Demeter to begin with.

* 1:09:59 * - Captain DumbAss Helsing and Vice Captain RoboTits go to the Coffin Cargo Bay. They start opening coffins hoping to stab the vampire while he's sleeping with a broken-in-half pool cue. I guess they don't realize that he's still walking down the endless corridor of doom.

* 1:10:58 * - Uh-oh. They discover NaviMina sleeping in a coffin. That's not good.

* 1:11:22 * - Capt. Dumb Helsing ain't fucking around here. He immediately drives a damn pool cue into VampMina's chest. Blood spurts everywhere. Hm. Seems a bit anti-climatic. I'm suspicious.

* 1:11:46 * - Whoops. CountWhiteBread shows up. He's pissed. I mean you would be to if you'd been in that fucking long-ass corridor. ViceCapRoboTits leaves to go get Humvee. CapDumbAss picks up an extra pool cue. Tells Drac-lite that he is an Van Helsing. The Vampire seems unimpressed. Perhaps that is with Van Dien's acting.

* 1:15:06 * - TinyVee leaves ProfX to go help. ProfX freaks out that they're all going to die. He starts dragging himself down the hallway. He runs into WhiteBoyDracula. Ummmmmm... how the hell did Draculight get there? Wasn't he just fighting Captain Van Dumb Ass? They're skipping stuff. Goddammit, Editor.

* 1:16:45 * - TinyVee and RoboTits discover that Capt.DumbAss has turned into a vampire. PLOT TWIST! ....or not.

* 1:17:20 * - So RoboTits rips the pool cue out of DeadVampMina and sticks it into the Capt.VanVampire. But then... JUMP SCARE 04 NotSoDeadVampMina gets up. (They obviously don't know the vampire rules about taking out the damn stake... yeah, something like that).

* 1:17:58 * - RoboTits pulls out a crucifix and TinyVee grabs a separate broken pool cue (they're popping out of the woodwork now) and they take care of DeadOnceAgainVampMina. (I point out once again, that Humvee is still alive.)

* 1:19:22 * - They discover ProfessorX has turned into a Vampire now too. So RoboTits pulls out a pointy crucifix and starts stabbing the ever-living-fuck out of the WheelchairVampire. I mean she really goes to town on him. Would love to have seen THAT backstory... but alas...

* 1:19:55 * - The two surviving crew members: TinyVee and RoboTits now hear Count Orlock/Dracula/WhiteBoyRick running through the corridors again... because apparently that's just what he loves to do.

* 1:20:42 * - They get into a room. Orlock tries to reach his arm in and they shut the door on it - CUTTING HIS FUCKING ARM OFF. WhiteBoyVampire whines like a little bitch. TinyVee makes a stupid joke about RoboTits not putting out the "Do Not Disturb" sign. She huffs and walks off while he says "Women." (Still alive. The fuck.)

* 1:22:35 * - Okay. What. The. Fuck. Is. Happening?!? This next thing is what put this whole thing into a realm I couldn't even fathom.

RoboTits tells TinyVee that she used to be a PLEASURE BOT. She then asks him what he is waiting for. TinyVee looks up to the heavens and says: "BINGO! MUST BE IN THE FRONT ROW!" (This is a reference to a Bob Uecker 1983 Miller Lite commercial! I'm not making this shit up! I don't have that wild of an imagination!!!)

So TinyVee picks up RoboTits, throws her over his shoulder and exits as she laughs the whole time.

* 1:22:57 * - UDO's BACK!!! UDO-7! He's been gone almost an hour from the movie. Too long, folks.

* 1:23:22 * - Um.

What?
What the fuck?
What the hell just happened now?
Dear lordy.
I just laughed so damn hard. We're talking tears down my cheeks.

Turns out UDO didn't want the vampires to reach Earth so he had programmed the Demeter to self-destruct.

Which it does.

A cheesy space explosion of the Demeter blowing up.

...the fucking credits roll...

The BEST WORST ENDING.... EVER.

If only that entire crew could've waited one hour before they found that ship. It would've blown up and they would've never worried about it.

UDO PROGRAMMED THE SELF-DESTRUCT FOR 50 YEARS IN THE FUTURE!!!
Why the hell?
No explanation needed. Perfectly stupid. I love it.

World's worst ending.
Ever.
To any movie.
To any thing.

Even worse than the ending of Season Eight of "Game of Thrones".
Well.... maybe I'm pushing it there.

* 1:26:50 * - There is a 5-second tag after the credits roll.

TinyVee carrying RoboTits over his shoulder, he looks at the camera and says: "That's what I'm talking about." He then slaps her ass and walks offscreen.

#truestory

Too bad he blowed up real good before the RoboLovin' got started... I guess.

But on the PLUS SIDE..... that motherfucker finally died. See I told ya.

MASTERPIECE