mosquitodragon’s review published on Letterboxd:
"You met the owner of the house. What's he like?"
"It's difficult to say, really. He was half-hidden behind a table."
You are entering a realm of horror and madness and intense nonsense. Enjoy.
The title alone is awesome. My dad says the word "bloody" all the time as an all-purpose expletive, so I can't hear this one without imagining hearing him shout "Aw, bloody pit of horror!!!" from the backyard. If he had one out there to trip over or stub his toe on or something. Who knows? Maybe he does...?
I simply don't understand what I'm not supposed to adore about this movie. Even though nothing of note really happens in the first half hour, I was already enraptured with it. It's only boring if you get zero kicks out of Eurobabes and suave Italian men being hilariously dubbed by people who must have spent most of their time doing voiceover for TV commercials. And saying very silly things with their smooth dubbed TV-advertisement voices.
By the time Mickey Hargitay arrives on the scene, expounding his bizarre philosophy that he must live confined in this castle, away from the world, because the world is full of ugly people who will somehow taint the purity of his toned bod (and saying "Crimson Executioner!!!" a lot) I was pretty much in heaven.
"Mankind is made up of inferior creatures, spiritually and physically deformed, who would have corrupted the harmony of my perfect body."
The film is beautifully shot, makes absolutely no sense, and actually gets pretty nasty. Or at least, it would be nasty if people reacted to their torture properly. At one point a woman gets molten metal poured on her back and she acts like it's nothing worse than candlewax. Then again, maybe we are supposed to get the vibe of this all being some kind of harmless, play-acted S&M thing. Actually, in one scene, one woman is stretched on the rack while another gets icy water trickled on her back and this is presented as if they are each suffering equal torment so... OK, maybe I'm onto something there (quick on the uptake, me).
It also features a spider that looks like Ernest Borgnine. Or it does to me, at least.
If this is too shoddy and silly for you, then get thee to a nunnery. This movie is a scream and Massimo Pupillo deserves to win a lifetime achievement Oscar for this movie alone. No, wait - the Nobel Prize. Yeah that's it.
"What's this? What's that strange shadow near the frame of the door? That almost looks like a man's head."
"Yes, it does. That's exactly what I thought, but it just can't be. Still, it does look like a man's head, with a hood on it."
