Hooptober 9 from Outer Space
#10: 1 bloodthirsty old person/people film
Netflix

God, this movie wants to be HALLOWEEN '18 so badly. But they weren't willing to do any of the legwork and they don't seem to care at all about the TCM franchise.

David Blue Garcia and the screenwriters really want to make a HALLOWEEN or FRIDAY THE 13TH entry. Here's the thing: Leatherface is not a supernatural slasher, and TCM is a very different franchise. The original TCM had a low kill count and gritty, lo-fi textures. Leatherface was a big ol' boy with hoss strength who could overpower the kids, but otherwise still just a human. Sally Hardesty was able to escape because a badass trucker hit Leatherface with a wrench and made him fall over and cut his own leg with his chainsaw.

This TCM film turned him into a damn terminator -- he snaps a guy's forearm in half like it's a pencil, and takes multiple shotgun blasts to the midsection at close range and just shrugs them off. He also throws his chainsaw around like a ninja. The picture, while nice to look at -- and there are some beautiful shots -- is way too slick-looking for TCM.

Worst of all, there isn't even a hint of cannibalism. The horror!

Sally Hardesty, the survivor from the original, makes a return (played by a different actress). Just like Jamie Lee Curtis' Laurie Strode from the recent HALLOWEEN reboot, Sally has never moved on from the trauma and has dedicated her life to finding her would-be killer. However, unlike Laurie, Sally is not the main character, and is only thrown in as a gimmick. She hardly gets any screentime, and when she does get the chance to kill Leatherface, who we're told she's been tracking for 50 years, instead of taking her revenge she tries to get him to talk, another weird and ineffective nod to HALLOWEEN '18.

This film really hates Millennials, but I don't think the creators really understand what Millennials are. The main characters have apparently bought up this whole ghost town, which consists of one strip of mostly abandoned buildings. Their plan is to open up a brunch place and a comic book shop because Austin residents will definitely drive 7 hours for that, and they're sure to get local traffic since the town is abandoned. I don't know.

One of the main characters survived a school shooting and she's become a big anti-gun advocate. But the first chance she gets she picks up a gun and is immediately enthralled with it. Come on, fuck you.

There's a scene where Jason -- excuse me, Leatherface, lol -- storms onto a full party bus, chainsaw in hand, and all the Millennials bust out their cellphones. One of them says, while filming Leatherface, "Try anything bro, you're canceled." That almost veered into satirical territory, but nothing else in this film made me think it was self-aware. I'm surprised there weren't any avocado toast jokes.

How did Leatherface end up at an orphanage? According to this film, he was a little orphaned boy around the same time as the original film, which makes no sense. Why isn't he at the old Sawyer house, which we do see?

This film leaves lots of questions, but I don't really care to get them answered.