You know Yin and Yang had a baby? They named it Yoink.

Picture it. Sicily, 1922. A young military officer stationed far from home. He wanders the streets seeking a friendly face and a glass of... hold up a minute. I'm not Sophia from The Golden Girls. I really must remember to take my meds.

It's a Mexican jumping dream. Shhh... I don't want to wake him up. He'll eat us alive.

No, it's a brain baby. Have you been mindfucked lately?

Picture it. My living room, yesterday. A deranged lunatic (that's me) is checking his phone when a message pops up. It seems my homie, B. Fly, wants to inform me about some insane piece of trash that I must watch. A bizarre experiment called Final Flesh. I immediately text my partner in crime, Jozlyn, to see if she's interested in watching it with me, at which point she scolds me for forgetting that she already told me about this film (if it can even be called a film) and reminds me that she owns a copy on Blu-ray. In my defense, the girl tells me about roughly 37 movies a day. I mean, I'm getting old. My memory isn't what it used to be. I can't keep track of this stuff.

Rape the shame from my balls?

Anyway, let's get down to business, shall we? You know how there are movies that are so bad that they somehow loop back around to become good, or even great? Well, this is something that's so bad that it transcends time and space, somehow becoming a religious experience. I can pretty much guarantee you've never seen anything quite like it, unless you've managed to tap into David Lynch's erotic dreams. It's an experiment in surreal comedy and deliberately bad filmmaking, courtesy of one Vernon Chatman, creator of such shows as Wonder Showzen and Xavier: Renegade Angel. You see, ol' Vernon wrote four absolutely bonkers scripts and then commissioned four different companies which specialize in making custom fetish porn to realize his deranged vision, an "8 part prepocolyptic triptych in D minor." And yeah, it's more nuts than that even sounds (and it sounds pretty nuts).

Honey, I'm really a bird. I was born a sparrow but nature gave me all these birth defects... and look how I look.

At least you weren't born with three dicks, like me.

As Jozlyn and I sat down to watch this surreal transmission from an alien dimension, we weren't prepared for the mind-shattering, reality-warping dialog delivered with unimaginably bad acting. You likely won't be prepared either. I honestly had a sharp pain in my head towards the end. I'm worried that watching this has somehow caused permanent physiological damage. It's also possible that this fucked my mind hard and impregnated it with delicious mind babies. Either way, you need to watch this and report back, so I can further study the physical and mental impact of watching this film.

Dammit, now I'm awake. When I close my eyes I appear.

Watched with Jozlyn