finally a halloween movie for people who DRINK BEER and HAVE SEX

like a lot of folks i'm not convinced Zombie does himself any favors by fleshing out Michael Myers' backstory. he typically falls back on his cartoon trailer-trash rotten-tooth fetish, and frankly it just feels like an act. but when his Myers attacks it is punishing and simple, so much so that even the camera panics, shivering and scrambling for the nearest exit. there's a great beat here as Myers enters the Strode house and shuts the door behind him and Zombie keeps us outside, across the street, in the quiet, just for an extra second. placid on the outside and frantic, unvarnished brutality on the inside.

- "The whore with the big tits hanging down her knees?"
- "Maybe I'll choke the chicken, purge my snork all over those flappy ass tits."
- "I hope she likes cripples."
- "Bitch, I will crawl over there and I will skull fuck the shit out of you! Oh, fuck you. Sit on my pole right now, bitch."

For the avoidance of doubt, Robert "Zombie" Cummings was 41 years old when he wrote this film, and not 14 like you'd assume.

A stultifyingly artless, one-note, dull and overlong remake.

if I got bullied by Juni from Spy Kids I would probably also turn into Michael Myers

You know how sometimes, hours after you had a very pleasant and delicious meal you burp and you can taste the faint aromas of that meal mixed with the unpleasantness of stomach gasses?

Yeah, you know what I'm getting at....

I have absolutely no idea whether I hated this or really liked it.

"I'M JOE GRIZZLY, BITCH." 🗡🐻🧔🏿🚽🧻

🎃🏫👧🏼🪵🩸👨‍🦰👨🏼‍⚕️🧱🔐🧔🏻‍♀️🏘👩👩🏻👮‍♂️🚔🏚🧔🏻‍♀️🩸🔫👩😫

The first forty minutes or so of Halloween are incredibly fascinating in how Zombie shows the creation of a serial killer with a level of cinematic equality not usually given to monsters. He draws upon sympathy with brutishness and the actions of Michael's tormentors are simplified into a single voice of harassment, but his mother loves him. Sherri Moon Zombie plays Judith Myers and she is the avatar of our sympathy for a child who can't be saved. We don't know if she did anything wrong as a mother, but considering the circumstances she's surrounded by it's hard to blame her if she failed, because she did her best. Sherri has a warmness in these opening scenes that cuts through the dark and makes the inevitable seem tragic. That's the greatest accomplishment in this flawed reshaping of Carpenter's text.

So that's why Michael Myers stopped talking.

Because everybody kept calling him a whiny little bitch as a kid.

Gee, thanks for remaking this, Rob Zombie! I totally needed to know that!

john carpenter’s halloween if no one washed or cut their hair in years