I'm not very good at making a habit of the LJ thing.

Who is still online and reading here?

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Today I'm sulky again, but really, not too much. In this case it was again hoping on a long shot, but at least I was fully aware that it was a long shot and I didn't have all that invested in it for very long, so more of a brief, "Raaaaaaats" kind of sulky this time.

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I'm sulking.

I shouldn't be, because really, I'm just disappointed because I made the mistake of looking forward to something that, had I been thinking, I would have realised was a long shot. Tomorrow I'm sure I'll shake off the disappointment and go on with my life, but in the meantime I'm sulking like a 7-year-old brat, except instead of candy, I am having scotch... which I'm almost out of, so I'll sulk about that, too.

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very very very minor dilemma
I'm interested in opinions here, but it's not bugging me all that much, I'm just more curious what other people think while I'm trying to figure out what I think.

We all know Facebook and friending people and how it's common to friend people you went to school with and/or used to be friends with even if you lost the connection somewhere along the way. Now, I haven't figured out what the protocol is as to who friends whom... does the person new to Facebook run around friending people or do others friend the newbie? but it seems I've been doing a mix of pitching and catching.

I've recently requested friendship with one of those people I used to hang with in high school, although I suspect the person in question might refuse the overture as it's recently come to my attention that they blame me for the connection being lost... that's neither here nor there, although I could blabber at length about it.

The very very very minor dilemma is whether or not I should friend another person who I used to hang with in high school but lost a connection with. My hesitation for friending this other person is entirely about her admitted religion and her apparent fervour therein. I'm an atheist and find myself getting more and more vocal about it over time. That said, I don't typically cut off people because of their religious beliefs, especially when they can keep it in their pants, so to speak. The thing with this former high school chum is not so much that she's become a Baptist, but that from glimpses at the FB she seems pretty damn evangelical, and it gives me the heebie-jeebies in a big way. I visited her profile with the intention of being an evolved person and hitting that little friend request button when I noticed one of the things she has listed as work was involvement in a series of videos which, as far as I can tell from my scant sleuthing, are made to help teach christians how to convert muslims. Just the thought of being engaged in an activity like preying on other religious individuals with the intent to fuck over... er... convert them makes me want to take a really hot shower with a wire scrub brush. Of course, this person's involvement could be anywhere on the spectrum of welcoming the paycheque to chugging the kool aid.

So what would other folks do... let the religion just be her issue and hit the friend button, or let the religion chase me in the opposite direction?

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I've got a big birthday looming and I'm living in a different country away from anyone who'd known me longer than a year (excluding Bob, I guess).

I've no idea if I should do something with myself on my birthday or if I should just pretend it's not happening to avoid feeling isolated and lonely.

I also find myself wondering odd things about aging. For example, when do I actually start being a "grown-up"? Remember when you were a kid or a teenager and the adults seemed so dull, yet also so responsible and organised and fiscally secure and things? When is that supposed to start happening?

Also given this is one of those numbers which looms with odd attitudes and expectations, I can't help but take quick stock of what's going on. Work-wise things are much, much better than last year. I've got real work in my field, and I figure once debts are gone and I've got some shelves and things for the apartment, I'll no longer be living paycheque to paycheque. The social life is pretty weak, but I did just move to a different country and I have made some friends so it's not all bad. Still solitary... not sure how I feel about that. I never really wanted to get married, but a partnership could have been a pleasant thing. I wonder at times if I had wanted kids, would I have "settled" with someone? It's all really a moot point in the end: while I'd like to feel the thrill of someone having the hots for me, I'm not desperate that I've stopped caring if that someone is appealing or not.

Overall things are pretty decent, but still... I'm not happy about toasting this birthday to myself in solitude.

Here's hoping that in another five I'll have friends around me, or at least at the next decade.

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I've a friend who in some ways can kind of be high-maintenance. Let's call him Bob, for the ease of discussion. Bob is intelligent and often witty, he loves a good meal and when he's in the mood for fun he can be unapologetically foolish. He's also prone to being oversensitive and maudlin at times, and still isn't over his teenagey angst of "not fitting in". Bob took me to a party to introduce me to a couple he's friends with awhile back and prior to going in he said, "Don't worry, they'll like you... They'll probably like you better than they like me."

I did get along well with Bob's friends (let's call them Stanley and Murgatroyd), and on many occasions Bob and I have returned there for dinner or gone out with them for breakfast. I've also has a couple of meals with them alone and house/pet sat for them and helped them paint their new house. Of course now it feels like I have to try that extra little bit harder to make sure that Bob doesn't think he's being ousted from the friendship or that they tolerate him only because they like me. It isn't so much specific things that Bob has done or said, just little issues of demeanor more than anything else. I know that I'm not alone in feeling this, Murgatroyd has commented along the same lines, and always makes a point of inviting Bob separately from me.

Awhile ago I got a call from Murgatroyd; he was looking for my help. Stanley had been informed that morning of the death of one of his parents and needed a ride to the airport. When I told Bob about it after the fact, letting him know that Stanley had just lost a parent, Bob's first words were, "Well he didn't say anything to *me*." He acted insulted that he wasn't informed. I was pretty pissed off about that reaction, but more or less let it go, gently reminding Bob that Stanley took his flight only hours after finding out and thus hadn't had the opportunity to mention it.

Thanksgiving is coming upon us, and Stanley and Murgatroyd have invited me for dinner. Murgatroyd mentioned that he had invited Bob as well, but Bob was apparently having company and thus refused the invitation. It was the first I had heard: I was under the impression that Bob was going to be out of town. I made conversation about it, but when I asked Bob who was visiting, he just sort of shook his head at me. I still don't know who Bob's company is, or if there is one friend or multiple. It's a big secret.

The thing that gets me, of course, is that double standard. Bob wants to be included and gets all offended if he thinks that somehow my friendship with Stanley and Murgatroyd overshadows his, but then he's got his secret company for Thanksgiving. It's not like I'm angling for invite, nor would I invade, but I'm not even to know the name of the visitor or if it's even a single or multiple visitors. It's just a little too weird and too self-serving or something to me. How is it that Bob can feel fine about laying a guilt-trip on folks that they're not friends *enough* with him, while simultaneously hiding portions of his life and blocking out those same folks he's making demands on?

I just don't understand people.

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Broken
I broke my ankle about two months ago. Not a big break, an "occult fracture", which means it couldn't be seen on a standard x-ray, but broken nonetheless. I have not been allowed to climb (and indeed I don't think I could have if I wanted to for some of that time). Now on the eve of seeing the orthopedic surgeon again I'm hoping to get a thumbs-up for climbing, but I'm nervous about it, too.

The day before I moved out here I managed to get outside bouldering one last time as a little goodbye to the rock. I had two hours and I gave it what I had so fully that the last attempt in those two hours really was the last little bit of energy I had for any attempt worth speaking of. I was very close to completing the climb, and had I done so, it would have been my hardest send to date.

When I got here I was without a pad for a few weeks, and without people for a lot longer... it was maybe only a month until I just went to Lincoln Woods solo. I was glad to get out, but I was pretty disappointed in my climbing. Thereafter I've gone outside almost weekly and for a little while was getting to the gym regularly, but still I was pretty disappointed in my climbing. I also know I had gained weight over the months since I moved (people who haven't seen me in five years don't agree with this assessment, but even after visiting Halifax 4 months after leaving multiple people commented on it). Even before breaking my ankle and taking 2 months off everything (figured my aching fingers should get a chance to heal, too), it was demoralizing to see how much I had let myself slip.

Yesterday I biked to work for the first time since the ankle breakage and it was really damn tough. I tried a couple of chin-ups, and was stunned at how pathetic they were. I feel horrible in my own skin and I have absolutely noticed I'm weaker and flabbier than I've been in a long time. I'm looking to the next climb with nervousness because I can only guess how it will feel. How much worse will I be now? If I go to Lincoln Woods again will I even get off the ground on my project? Is climbing well something I've lost forever?

I'm not looking for the cooing that I've not really gained weight and the reassurances that it'll come back quick. Words are cheap. What I need is the willpower and spine to drag myself through months of disappointment as I try to crawl back to where I was. Where can I find that? It's like starting over again, but this time I'm not new to anyone, so there will be no encouragement.

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are children a viable excuse?
I have recently returned from a trip "home" (the city where I used to live and a few other places relatively close to it) and twice I had the situation where I was left hanging by people I was trying to pin down and spend time with. On both occasions, I got no coherent reply after leaving messages, and then after a lag of a day or two, got an email from the errant party blaming an ill child for the failure to share company.

Now, while I happily accept that a sick kid is a reasonable rationale for not being social, I'm not sure how I feel about this not-calling thing. It seems just a little insensitive somehow. One would think that there'd be a spare minute to pick up a phone and give the same excuse. Or am I somehow being completely obtuse of the misery and hardship that is parenting that there never actually is a moment one can hand the kid to the spouse and be a little polite?

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Is it unreasonable to be afraid of seeing old friends because I'm fatter than I've ever been before?

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I had a really weird dream the other night. I'm not the sort of person who think dreams "mean" anything... but I think it's fun to pretend they do, so by all means attempt to psychoanalyze me.

The dream took place sort of at work (but not really... it was that demented dream-reality wherein people and places can be amalgams). I was doing something in the tissue culture hood and I was standing up for some odd reason. There were a lot of people around and chatting going on. This guy (who in real life is a student in another lab who I've barely spoken and certain harbour no affection for) was sitting next to the hood and he put his hand on my ass. I was surprised and wondering what the hell was going on, but for whatever reason I chose not to react as the guy caressed my butt briefly. Thereafter in the dream the butt-fondler was essentially acting like we were a couple... not being grabby or anything, but talking a lot of "we" this and "we" that. I found that really odd and presumptuous, but before I said or did anything to counter him, I woke up.

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I don't deal well with contrarians. I know a lot of people who like to argue for its own sake, but it's just not something I ever found entertaining. I don't understand the appeal.

Aside from that, I'm increasingly thinking that those who just like to argue are actually another facet of those who like the sound of their own voices. I'm finding that the contrarians also seem to have a habit of interrupting. They raise voices in what they (I'm guessing) perceive to be earnestness, but when volume is matched, they'll claim you're shouting. They'll use harsh and sometimes hurtful language yet claim a lack of emotional involvement. Overall, they'll use cheap means to get you to talk less so they can espouse and lecture their own vantage.

How is this supposed to be fun?

Is it fun from the other side?

If I was doing all the shouting and abusing and interrupting, would I then understand the appeal?

Perhaps.... But what I really want to know is, how do I make it stop without having to give the impression of weakness and/or acquiescence? And why is it typically men who are the contrarians?

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Minor Work Bitch
So I'm in a new job.

When I first moved down here I was introduced to the people in the lab, and was told that I'd be taking over a project that was started by this student who we'll call Anxiety Boy. Anxiety Boy rapidly proved himself to me to be virtually useless, and if anything, an impediment in a laboratory setting. He was a fan of cutting corners, and in so doing, would often wreck whatever it was he was working on. I was irritated with him within days, and I'm pretty sure it was less than a month that I was telling the boss that I absolutely refused to work with the guy. Amusingly, the boss sort of shrugged and made understanding noises, but left it in my hands to discourage Anxiety Boy from returning to volunteer in the lab when his semester was over. I think I did so diplomatically, but I'm sure the kid wouldn't have told me if he was sobbing in his pillow for three weeks.

Now it's early in a new school year and I've got undergrads of my own to raise.

I hate it.

Getting the kids trained is always extra work and one has to be ready to ditch experiments, plans, the promise of biking home while it's still light and everything else for the first little while to help the kids out. Often, one must also assume that the kids in question will do little effective work during their stay.

I just got handed a new undergrad the other week I have little opinion of her yet, although I really wish she'd speak audibly to me.

The other undergrad is my least favorite kind. He's gunning for med school which might explain a lot. This guy is the sort who thinks he needs to do little more than show up, doesn't listen when crap is explained to him, doesn't write anything down and then forgets half of what was said, doesn't think, isn't careful, fails to notice things, and will barely bother engaging in conversation. He sighs and grumbles while he's setting up his work, and in two experiments, contaminated one of them. I don't dislike him as a person, but I've not got high hopes. So today I was all pissed when I noticed he failed to follow my instructions, and thus the experiment he just hasn't really yielded anything useful. When he came into the lab I sat him down and told him how he had screwed up, pointed out the instructions he was forgetting (and how I had written it down, and how it was just like what we did that other time). I then proceeded to explain to him again, what the whole basis of the project was, and how his work was supposed to fit in. I also told him straight out, "If you hate what you're doing here now, you're going to have one lousy year because this is literally all you're going to be doing here."

I'm hoping I hit that sweet spot between harsh and nice where he figures out right away he's either got to take the lab seriously or go do something else with his time.

I'm sadly not patient enough to just babysit while resources are wasted so someone can attempt to plump up their resume for med school admissions.

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hello again?
I've not been on this site for a really really really long time.

I went through a lengthy (multi-year) low level depression and I didn't want to talk about my life and didn't really want to live it either. That's all I'm going to say about that for the time-being. Email me or take me out for drinks if you want to know more.

Now I'm in a new city/country/job and I'm feeling a little isolated, but a lot better about life in general and I also feel the need to vent.

So here I am.

Is anyone else still out there and still willing to read? Drop me a comment.

And if there's a lack of capital letters blame the new laptop or a new weakness in my left pinky (I'm not sure what to blame).

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Stupid Question
For the Canadian readers, I need a web site that will help me find and book inexpensive air travel within North America (from Canada to US, etc). Important feature is the the ability of the browser to compare a variety of carriers. Vital feature is that it shows me the day I choose and some flanking days and prices so I can futz around with the schedule to save cash.

I used to know a site like this, but I forgot (I travel so rarely).

thanks.

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Happy Darwin Day
Today is the 200th anniversary of Charles Darwin's birth.

Anyone doing anything special to celebrate?


Incidentally, for those very, very few of you who knew what my thesis was about, Darwin apparently made comment in a personal letter:

I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent and omnipotent God would have designedly created the Ichneumonidae with the express intention of their feeding within the living bodies of Caterpillars, or that a cat should play with mice.

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I've not been online in a long, long, long time... all part of avoiding life in general. I'm now looking at your LJs, so expect really out-of-date comments.

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oh wow
This is mostly for kalyx's amusement, but I'm sure some of the rest of you will find it hilarious as well.

Incidentally, I'm alive, but I'm sort of not all there, these days. Most of the time I'm not turning on the computer, reading email, looking at LJ, answering the phone, or anything else... I'm trying to get myself back on track, but it's glacial. Every week or so I look at LJ to catch up with my flist, so if you get comments days out of date, you know why.

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Anyone in the HRM have any errands to do?

( Why do I ask?Collapse )

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Ah, fuck.
I'm going to bed.

...at least it's a minority, but I was hoping it'd be more of one.

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fuck
As of this moment, Harper has the government, but we don't know if it's minority or majority.

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