Spiritual Tips for the Holidays: Love Them Anyway

Love heart uidaodjsdsew

Love heart uidaodjsdsew (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yesterday’s post talked about people being who they are and doing what they do and suggested that the better you know people, the more you will understand them and expect them to be who you know they are and do what you know they do.  Now, the question to consider is whether you can know who they are and love them anyway.

People talk a lot about unconditional love but sometimes I wind up wondering if they know what that is.  Unconditional love means love without having any conditions attached.  If you love someone because he’s handsome, that’s a condition.  Will you still love him if he becomes disfigured?  If you love someone but want her to change a habit you don’t like, that’s a condition.  Unconditional love sees the habit and loves anyway.  In fact sees the habit and loves because the habit or behavior is part of who the loved one is.

If you love someone because “he’s so kind”, that’s a condition.  If you love someone but want them to be healthier, cleaner, thriftier, more attentive, more successful or [fill in the blank for the aspect you don’t like], that’s conditional.  If you’re in a relationship in which you feel the other person must change to suit you, you don’t unconditionally love that person.

At some point when people keep telling me they truly feel they can’t be happy with a friend or love being exactly who s/he is, I start asking “why are you in the relationship?”  I don’t understand staying in a relationship in which you’re making both of you miserable;  it’s not pleasant for the other person to hear all the time that she’s wrong or bad and needs to change and if you’re expressing that kind of unhappiness all the time you’re making yourself miserable too.

Once you learn to know who everyone is, things get easier because you know what they’re going to do.  When you learn to know who they are and to love them for all of it, that’s where the joy is.

If you can enter your holiday gatherings knowing who they all are and what they do and find it in your heart to love them anyway, it will change your experience.  Enjoy!

Spiritual Tips for the Holidays: Know Them Well

dont beat drum quote

Every year at this time I post about a teaching from Kahuna teacher Serge King that has had an enormous impact on my life.  Serge likes to keep it short and simple, so the basic principle is:  “People are who they are and they do what they do.

I believe that if everyone in the world learned this one and lived by it, peace would soon follow.  As with many of his seemingly simple teachings, if you started exploring this one you’ll find it has tremendous depth.

The greatest source of disappointment, frustration, and anger toward others arises from having your own agenda/expectations about who you want them to be and how you want them to act/what you want them to do..The deep reality is that people are who they are and they are going to do what they do based on who they are.  You can wish or will others to be somebody else as much you want.  You may even occasionally manipulate someone into doing something that’s not what they want.  But in the long run no one can be anyone other than who they are.

Your best defense, if you want to avoid being disappointed or upset by others, is to know them well enough to know who they are.  Know what they do.  Expect them to be who they are and do what they do.  You’ll never be surprised by anyone’s behavior if you really know them.

And then realize who they are and what they do isn’t about you.  Pretty much ever; even when someone attacks you, the attack has everything to do with who they are and nothing to do with you.  So Don Miguel Ruiz’s advice, “Don’t take anything personally”, fits very well with this teaching.  People are busy being who they are and doing what they do and none of it has anything to do with you.  So don’t take it personally.

Is Aunt Murgatroyd going to tell unfunny jokes at the annual gathering, as always?  Of course she is.  It’s who she is and what she does.  Is your cousin Snagglepuss going to bore everyone AGAIN with stories of his really dull job?  You bet.  Who he is, what he does.  Is your overly protective dad going to criticize you like he always does?  If his way of showing care is to fret and pick apart anything that doesn’t fit his view, then yup.  Gonna do it.  If he’s an unhappy guy who criticizes to express his dissatisfaction with the world, that’s who he is…  gotta figure he’s gonna do it.

If you walk in with a chip on your shoulder because you know the irritating behavior(s) are going to arise but you’re secretly hoping it will be different, you’re going to get what you’re expecting:  unhappiness and dejection.  A lot of times we enter these situations knowing what they’ll do and expecting to be angry because of it.  And you’ll pretty much get what you’re expecting — ongoing cycles of them being who they are and you being angry.

If you expect anyone to do anything other than what s/he does, you’re doomed to disappointment.  When you can walk in knowing they’ll all be there being themselves and doing what they do, you’ll get what you knew you would.  Know that nothing they do is about hurting, irritating, upsetting or disappointing you.  They’re just being themselves.

When you can step aside from the behavior, know that it’s about them and not you, and stay centered, you can defuse most of the emotional turmoil that can make the holidays stressful.

The question we’ll explore in the next post is:  can you love them anyway?

Spiritual Tips for the Holidays: Communication

Speech Bubble

Speech Bubble (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Every year I’ve posted some thoughts about handling the holidays — especially when it comes to stressful encounters with family members.  I thought I’d start the series today, revisiting one of the old posts each day as we approach Christmas.  Good communication is key to getting along:

Since Right Speech (the linked post provides a lengthy explanation) was the first practice I encountered and the one I’ve studied the most I tend to refer to practices related to communication as Right Speech.  Occasionally, though, someone tells me this advice isn’t for them because they’re not Buddhist.  I’m going to try to remember to just talk about communicating.  I haven’t studied every tradition, but every tradition I’ve studied has Right Speech somewhere at its core.  I hope the discussion can be seen as universal; guidelines for applying spiritual principles to communication even if I forget and call it Right Speech.

The key tenets of Right Speech are speaking the truth and making sure that speech doesn’t harm (or, from the other side, that speech is of benefit).  Every tradition I’ve encountered has some principles about speaking truth and not harming others. I like the Buddhist practice because they tend to break principles down into smaller pieces and individual practices. I like the way Right Speech provides a lot of specific thoughts on how to walk a spiritual path while talking to others.  “Speak the truth” and “try to be of benefit or not to harm” are so abstract that it’s hard to apply to every day conversations.

My friend and teacher, Gay Luce, studied for some years with Buddhist masters and then created her own teachings on Right Speech practice.  I find her core suggestions for mindful speech very helpful in keeping myself on track.

There are five questions to consider when you are about to speak and while you are speaking:

  1. What am I talking about?

Sometimes we start talking just to fill a silence and without any particular point. Try defining for yourself what the topic or subject is that you wish to talk about. You may begin to realize that sometimes there is more connection to another in harmonious silence than in speaking.   Do you ever just randomly bring up some topic to keep the air filled with conversation?

  1. What am I thinking as I talk about this topic or what do I believe about it?

This invites you to examine what you really think about a given subject — to express not just what someone else has said or the point of view you think you should hold but what you believe to be true.  How often do you just start spouting an opinion without stopping to consider what you believe in your heart?

  1. What am I feeling as I talk about this?

In our society we are often out of touch with our own feelings and we talk without being at all aware of what our feelings are about the subject. Frequently even when we do identify a feeling it is one that has been triggered by some deeper, unidentified emotion. The more you attune to what you are feeling about the things you discuss, the deeper you can go into your true feelings.

  1. Why am I saying this to you? Why do I want you to know this?

Sometimes we have something we want to say so badly that we’d tell it to anyone who happened to be there. But most of the time there is some unacknowledged and unexpressed reason why we have chosen to raise a particular topic with a particular person. Perhaps you trust this person more than others. Or you have some reason to believe this person will know or understand more than others about your subject. Maybe you want to show off for this individual or manipulate him into doing something for you.

  1. What do I want for myself from this?

We have all kinds of motives for talking and many of them involve something we want to get or accomplish. Sometimes we talk just to pass time or fill the air with sound. Sometimes we want to persuade or show superiority or deflate someone or reveal our great knowledge. Knowing your motives for speaking (and for speaking to a specific person) helps you to choose your words more carefully.

As cumbersome as it may seem, if you engage in the practice of consciously answering those questions in your own mind before you speak –and, if you can find a practice buddy, also out loud to your listener — you will find that you rarely stray from mindful communication. If you stop to think about what you want to talk about and why, you will rarely indulge in idle chatter. In reflecting upon what you want to say you will find that it is easier to curtail hurtful or divisive words.

When you examine your motives for speaking, you begin to realize how often you use words to create distance or say things to show off or make yourself look good or to control or manipulate another. “Think before you speak,” becomes a spiritual practice.  Sylvia Boorstein says to ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say an improvement on silence?”  (Boorstein, It’s Easier Than You Think, 1997, pp. 50-52)  One of my all-time favorite teachings.

If you can be this mindful about what you say through this holiday season you may find that conversations with people you find difficult may go much better.

What’s my blogging goal?

london-underground.blogspot.com/2008/08/bloggi...

london-underground.blogspot.com/2008/08/blogging-from-ori… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I’ve contemplated my future in blogging, I’ve found myself wondering what it is I want out of it.  I’ve realized that some of my early goals are not going to come to pass–were probably not even part of the reason I was called to blog–and it’s time to let them go.  And that the process has led me to several outcomes I cherish.

REFINING AND DEEPENING MY JOURNEY

Every time I stop to reflect on my latest insights or to put my beliefs and my journey into words, I deepen my own understanding of this spiritual journey.  Every time I choose where to put my focus as I write a post, I support my intention to be peace, to be healthy and whole.

Because of the blog, I constantly examine my journey and my beliefs, looking for words of wisdom to share.  Now, I’m pretty deeply into self-examination so some of that would happen anyway.  But there’s an extra something that happens as part of choosing to write about my thoughts and share my insights.  It keeps me more mindful and aware.

For instance, as I’ve written my series of posts about using the ho’oponopono prayer*, I’ve become far more conscious of the many times and ways every day I can use it to heal myself and everything I see as a problem in the world.  I started with awareness of the prayer but only sporadically remembered to use it and I now say it many times a day.

FINDING A VOICE

I’d been writing “insights” and putting them up on a web site for some time before blogs were even a thing and eventually wove them into a book that’s still sitting here.  Although a recent re-read/edit of the book showed it to be better than I remembered, in general I felt like the insights I posted were stilted and pedantic.

Before I started blogging, shorter and pithier little essays started forming in my head regularly.  Exploring that in meditation I was told to start a blog.  I barely knew what a blog was but I researched, found WordPress and voila.

As I wrote these pieces I kept an eye on length and have maintained an intention to be succinct and keep it brief, though the average length has grown from my original attempt at 300-400 words.  Over time my writing style became more conversational and less formal and I found myself liking the things I wrote much better than I liked those older pieces.

I suspect that finding my voice as a writer was a big piece of the inner nudge to start a blog.

COMMUNITY: LOVE REACHING AROUND THE WORLD

The biggest unexpected surprise of blogging has been the great community of blogging friends I’ve found.  Every day I spend an hour or two absorbed in the deep journeys and thoughts of spiritual bloggers around the world and every day I feel the energy of our love and peace reaching out to enfold the earth.

I’ve gotten to meet a couple of bloggers and hope to meet many more.  The bloggers with whom I regularly interact inspire me, teach me, lead me to explore every day.  It’s hard to express how greatly I value what I receive from being part of this community.

WHAT IT’S NOT DOING

Since I’d finished my book not that long before I started blogging, my mind decided I’d been led to this in order to create my “platform” so I could show agents and publishers my big following and get the book launched.  The blog has certainly grown, but very slowly and I’ve finally realized that spiritual blogging is unlikely to provide me the kind of numbers I’d need to convince the publishing industry I can produce sales.

Over these years I’ve noticed that generally (by no means in all cases), spiritual blogs with big numbers tend to have an established name attached, whether of an institution (say, Tricycle) or a person (i.e. Wayne Dyer).  Unlike mainstream blogging, where great travel photos, parenting advice, recipes or snarkiness can “go viral” and draw big numbers, the spiritual journey of an unknown (i.e. not famous) person is unlikely to draw tens of thousands of followers.

I’ve tried to participate in popular “challenges” and events like NaBloPoMo, etc. but I’ve found that generally my blog doesn’t turn out to be the cup of tea for the mainstream bloggers who are the majority I encounter.  And I often have trouble bending prompts to fit the topic of spiritual journey (Sreejit is a big exception with his prompts that invite deep exploration — thanks so much!) as they’re generally not designed for inner searching or metaphysical thinking. I put in a lot of time and energy to participate and rarely grow my numbers by enough to justify it.

While musing about blogging I suddenly realized it’s time to let go of “platform building” as a goal.  The benefits of blogging have not been about the numbers but about the inner growth, the writing practice and the wonderful friends I’ve made.  By letting go of the underlying desire to see my stats going up, I think I can let go of a lot of time put in on activities I don’t especially like and just participate for the deeper, more valuable gifts I receive.


*For a post with versions of the prayer see here.  You can also click the Journey2Peace link at the top of the page and find many posts in recent months exploring this topic.

You are the promise … the one … the hope

Jamie Dedes's avatarJamie Dedes' THE POET BY DAY Webzine

If there is to be peace in the world,
There must be peace in the nations.
If there is to be peace in the nations,
There must be peace in the cities.
If there is to be peace in the cities,
There must be peace between neighbors.
If there is to be peace between neighbors,
There must be peace in the home.
If there is to be peace in the home,
There must be peace in the heart.
From “The Book of Tao (The Way), Lao-Tse (c 5th Century BCE, China, Zhou Dynasty)

And, as the song goes: “Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me …” Jill Jackson Miller and Sy Miller (1955, America)

Peace, Let It Begin With Me

by

Rev. Ben Meyer
Unitarian Universalist Minister, San Mateo, California

58767c3c06230622f04e715c65fab690As we contemplate the theme of Peace during the month of December, we may wonder…

View original post 456 more words

Sideways break… I kind of liked it

Levitating, Meditating, Flute-playing Gnu

Levitating, Meditating, Flute-playing Gnu (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My break didn’t go quite as planned.  The first day or two I did relax, exercise, meditate, reflect on the future…  Then the unwinding started again.  Big time.  Somehow when I can’t sleep and my face is yanking around for hours at a time I find it pretty much impossible to meditate and any sort of schedule goes out the window.

THE MUSCLES

At one point I described the muscles behind my eyes as feeling as if they were rooted through the earth and wrapped around a mountain in China and it was a toss up whether the roots would release and let my eyes go or the muscles were going to pull a mountain on to my head….  OK, yes, it’s a little dramatic 🙂 but it was the best I could do to try to describe how it felt.

As of last night the muscles that would not budge finally started unwinding — yea, apparently no mountain-on-head scenario to ensue…  They’re so tight I don’t have a clue how much longer but I’m ecstatic to feel them opening at last.

I did manage, in my one good meditation, to have a good session with my council of guides who assured me the visions and ideas I’ve been putting together about the future are where I’m going but now is not the time to worry about how to get there.  This process has to be completed first.  The lesson in patience goes on … at the moment I’m not learning it very well…

BLOGGING BREAK

Even though I didn’t get to spend the week quite as planned, I did keep up with my blogging break.  Not only did I not write posts, but I cut way back on how much time I spent on reading blogs.  And I really enjoyed it.

I realized I have some decisions to make about how much time I want to be putting into this.  The easiest decision is to cut back on reading blogs.  I’ve politely followed far too many.  I never do read everything, but generally I really try to get around to most of them.

This last week I only read my favorites, generally also the ones written by people with whom I interact quite often.  The people I love and would miss.  I realized, though, that my reader is filled with blogs I don’t have a big interest in, written by people who never interact with me.

I loved not only spending much less time by reading only my favorites but also that those deep, thoughtful posts I love had more impact when not surrounded by reading tons of other stuff.  So I’m going to be paring down my subscriptions and becoming choosier about what I read on a daily basis.

I also realized I tend to go in cycles of having lots of ideas and having posts writing themselves in my head and spells when I don’t.  So in the fertile moments I also plan to work on drafting but not necessarily publishing right away and maybe scheduling posts just for certain days.  I know a few of my blogging buddies post only Monday-Friday so I’m also considering choosing a couple of specific days to take off.

In other words, during the next few weeks I’m going to be experimenting.

And when my eyes quit yanking and I get some sleep I may go back to the plan of less blogging, more meditating and exercise for a spell…

Eleven Year Old Granddaughter Asks about Donald Trump

Eileen's avatarLaughter: Carbonated Grace

Her mom’s reply: My 11 year old asked me why people (Donald Trump) were saying we should deport all immigrants, Hispanic and Muslim, why he wanted to start a database or have people wear numbers, why he thinks we should close our borders to an entire race/culture, why he said such angry and ugly words about people. She said ‘a lot of my friends wear scarves on their heads. They are not bad people, they are nice and my friends’. I have tried to explain to her what’s going on. I have told her both sides. That bad people have done horrific things in the name of a perverted view of a religion. That those things keep on happening all over the world. She has seen some of the news coverage about it. She, in her 11 year old head, is trying to understand something none of us will ever…

View original post 273 more words

NaBloPoMo ends… a break begins

Meditation by William Bouguereau

Yep.  That’ll be me.  Meditating.  Meditation by William Bouguereau (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I can’t tell you how happy I am to have reached the end of  NaBloPoMo.  And I didn’t miss a day. A few times a post when up technically on the day before but was intended for the next day (like CPS reminders) but I managed a post per day and a few times I even posted on more than one of my blogs on the same day.

But I’m about to do a happy dance that it’s over.  And I’ve decided to take a blogging break for a week.  You might see me around commenting or liking.  But I don’t plan to post.  And I’ll only be reading posts from my fave folks… you know, the ones I’d miss too much…

I’m feeling like I need to get away from my computer habit and spend more time getting things done around the house, cooking, exercising — and most important, meditating and contemplating life beyond illness.

I’ll be back next week with a new J2P Monday challenge and more.  Have a great week!

On The Wings Of Peace

This seemed like the perfect reblog for my Collective Prayer Sundays reminder post. Think peace everyone!

maskednative.com's avatarMasked Native

Mike's card for world peace0002

During the 1980’s, Mike Bryant created a Peace card. He hoped that by sending it to friends and relatives, they would sign it and re-post, and a chain of Peace would spread around the world. I have to admit that I never got around to sending on the card. I wish I had, but as Mother Earth heaves with sadness, and her people are drowning in sorrow and grief, I offer this Peace chain, to join with other Peace chains along the way. With today’s technology words travel further and faster. Taking up the sword is not the answer. Peace is the answer.


hummingbird circled

Image of world globe from original card by Mike Bryant

Wings of Peace is author’s own.

View original post

Gratitude

fresh cranberry compote from another year

fresh cranberry compote from another year

My mother and I had a lovely Thanksgiving though nothing about the day was as usual, as planned, or as expected.

She’s been worryingly logy the last couple of weeks and I’ve had some kind of bug that’s had cold symptoms and bronchial symptoms coming and going and an unreal level of fatigue every day during the same couple of weeks — possibly we both have a bug.  Anyway, we planned out a menu of our usual Thanksgiving dinner, minus a dish or two in an attempt to simplify but by Wednesday we hadn’t even gotten the groceries.

Because of my odd blood pressure ailment, which leaves me light-headed if I stand for very long, I usually fix a big dinner over the course of a week.  Grocery shopping all but the freshest stuff in advance, and plotting out what can be cooked first and frozen, what can be made ahead that lasts ok in fridge, etc.  All the shopping and all the cooking between Wednesday and Thursday is just not something I can do.

So I looked on line to see what I could come up with and realized the local food co-op, of which I’m a member, instead of closing as they used to on Thanksgiving, somewhere along the way started opening and doing up a Thanksgiving feast for their hot bar.

I made sure I got over there this morning soon after the hot bar was supposed to be set up and picked up lovely bourbon-brined turkey, several kinds of veggies, dressing, mashed sweet potatoes and pie.

We both napped for a chunk of the afternoon and then heated up plates of the goodies I’d brought home and were so pleased.  While we certainly prefer some of the things I make and I favor making my own so I can tweak recipes to get rid of wheat and dairy, the meal was excellent, and given how unwell we’d both been feeling it was perfect.

What I especially appreciated was our ability to roll with how we felt and what we sensed we could do.  I realized that for most of my life I’ve had a big thing about Thanksgiving.  As a child we lived reasonably near my father’s closest (in both age and relationship) brother and his family and I SO looked forward to visiting for a few days.  Those cousins are the only ones around my age and for me those days were the closest I came to having siblings so I really loved it.

The takeaway was that for many years I felt I had to have a major event for Thanksgiving and it meant I often said yes to invitations that left me uncomfortably dining with large numbers of people I didn’t know and feeling a little disappointed that the day didn’t match my expectations of it.

My mother and I both LOVE the food of Thanksgiving so it was great that we managed to get a meal we liked with the minimum effort.   I’m so grateful to the co-op for the great prep and for providing food I know is always fresh and local when possible.  And I’ll be fixing us a meal of some of the things we’d planned when I’ve got some energy back.

But I think what I appreciated most was realizing that I let go of putting such a big expectation on how the day had to be or feel.  As my draggy-ness wore on and I slowly revised expectations, from picking up a couple of side dishes at Trader Joe’s (happily ensconced in freezer) when I realized I’d not be able to do it all to abandoning the cooking plan altogether, I never felt let down.  Never felt that stab of disappointment that I wouldn’t be having the magical meal I’d planned.

We had a lovely meal in a warm and cozy house.  No one was shooting anyone in the street or dropping bombs nearby.  The weather was lovely.  After dumping our plan piece by piece, we were both delighted that we managed to pull something together.  How could we not be grateful?  Thank you God.  Thank you Goddess.

Bloggers Unite for Peace

bloggers for peace

Over at Uncle Spike’s Adventures there’s a call for bloggers to unite in standing for peace.  If you’d like to add your blog to the blog roll there, follow this link.  Spread the word.

Check out the Journey2Peace link at the top of the page for lots of posts offering challenges and practices to help you find peace within and be peace in the world.

J2P Monday on Tuesday: Healing family issues

English: Saying grace before carving the turke...

Saying grace before carving the turkey at Thanksgiving dinner  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In scheduling posts ahead for this mad blogging month I accidentally scheduled a post for another blog for Monday and then was too lazy to change it or write another one to go up as well.  But I wanted to do a little something with ho’oponopono for the holidays.  So happy J2P Monday on Tuesday!

I have actually never studied ho’oponopono more than superficially with a teacher but two of my huna teachers introduced me to the concept  and a couple of the prayers and then I read a lot about Hew Len and watched a number of his videos on line and just kept working with the prayers.  Traditionally in Hawaii, as I understand it, ho’oponopono is used for healing issues in families [Mark Saito does weekend workshops on this–web site under construction at the moment but I’ll come back and put a link when he finishes.]

Thinking about the many issues people often have at holiday gatherings, I decided this would be a good moment to look at ways you can use the prayer.  These are just some examples of types of issues you might have, designed to give you the idea of how to apply it to whatever your issues are:

  • Anticipating being irritated by people:  I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you
  • Feeling like your family doesn’t listen to you.  How do you not listen to yourself?  How do you not listen to others?  I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you
  • Feeling your family doesn’t see your worth.  Do you have self worth?  How do you fail to make others feel worthy?  How do you de-value yourself?  I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you
  • Does someone talk too much or dominate the conversation?  How do you overpower others in conversation?  Does your mind chatter and drown out your knowing self?  Do you listen well to others?  I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you
  • Are there family members who express opinions you don’t like?  What in you reacts to these opinions?  What fears do they touch?  Why do you feel the need to judge?  Why are you taking it personally?  I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you
  • Do you feel your parents never approve of what you do?  Do you approve of yourself?  How do you withhold approval from others? I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you

Every time you feel put out, put down, annoyed, abandoned, etc., heal in yourself whatever it is you’re seeing in them.  Everything you see in them is somewhere in you.  Anything in you you can heal.  Say the prayer.  If you have to say it to yourself two dozen times a day, say the prayer.

Have an amazing Thanksgiving!  And if you’re elsewhere in the world, as we move through the season of many holidays in many places, you can use the prayer with your family and have an amazing whatever holiday you’re celebrating.

Happy Peaceful Sunday

Rolling up on time to set aside at least 10 minutes to pray or chant or meditate for peace.  For more info on Collective Prayer Sundays check the page.

I’ve been finding daily peace lately with Deepak and Oprah’s latest 21 day meditations.  I’m several days behind so still looking forward to the final few.  When I can find time to sing some chants as well, that’s still my fave.

Whatever form of finding peace you choose, have a happy Sunday!