long, boring
my current situation has been my situation for the last year or so. i'm getting tired of it somewhat. at times, like tonight it makes me feel like a horrible person. there's a person/guy in my life that stays a constant. we'll call him person #1. for the last year, he's always been there when i needed someone to go to. this is my latest example. i was going and hanging out with person #1 pretty much every other day. i would stay with him a lot and it was pretty good at times. he would get pissed off a lot though, too, pretty much the biggest con about him is that he has a serious temper. but overall, i liked hanging out with him. then a few months ago, another person randomly fell back into place in my life. we'll call him person #2. when i started hanging out with person #2, i shut person #1 completely out my life. i stopped going to the same parties as him, ignoring his phone calls, and barely speaking to him if i saw him in public. after a few months of me hanging out with person #2, he decides he doesn't want/like me, so that's over. i was very sad, so what do i do? a couple days later, i call person #1. he answers the phone and is extremely nice to me. i go and see him like the next day. things were really cool between us and he surprisingly hugged me and kissed me. i wasn't expecting that at all.
i guess i feel so horrible, because i know that i'm using him as a space filler and a pick-me-up. i run to him when i'm sad or when i'm lonely. however, i know he does the same thing to me. i've took the backseat just as many times as he has. the first time, it hurt, but now it's come accustom. we don't accept much out of each other. we're there when we can be, but when we're with other people, we don't need each other. we stand in as the subsitute boyfriend/girlfriend to each other. that person that you can call anytime to tell them about what you did that day, that person that you can hold hands with, and all those other well-needed things. it's not just about sex either. since i've been hanging out with him this last time, we haven't had sex once. and usually sex is that thing that we use to fill that loneliness void. honestly, i know that i don't have any feelings for him but i'm still worried that one day i'm going to need him and he's not going to be there. it made me nervous to call him the first time after the thing with person #2, because i didn't know if he was going to act shitty towards me or if he was seeing someone. and i knew i needed him a lot more this time. i need him to help me suppress certain feelings. i can't become an alcoholic.
tonight, while i was at his house, we got high and him and his friends talked about a million different things. i kept telling myself that i didn't want to be there, and that i didn't want to be with him. but i know that i need him right now.
why am i doing this?
i guess i feel so horrible, because i know that i'm using him as a space filler and a pick-me-up. i run to him when i'm sad or when i'm lonely. however, i know he does the same thing to me. i've took the backseat just as many times as he has. the first time, it hurt, but now it's come accustom. we don't accept much out of each other. we're there when we can be, but when we're with other people, we don't need each other. we stand in as the subsitute boyfriend/girlfriend to each other. that person that you can call anytime to tell them about what you did that day, that person that you can hold hands with, and all those other well-needed things. it's not just about sex either. since i've been hanging out with him this last time, we haven't had sex once. and usually sex is that thing that we use to fill that loneliness void. honestly, i know that i don't have any feelings for him but i'm still worried that one day i'm going to need him and he's not going to be there. it made me nervous to call him the first time after the thing with person #2, because i didn't know if he was going to act shitty towards me or if he was seeing someone. and i knew i needed him a lot more this time. i need him to help me suppress certain feelings. i can't become an alcoholic.
tonight, while i was at his house, we got high and him and his friends talked about a million different things. i kept telling myself that i didn't want to be there, and that i didn't want to be with him. but i know that i need him right now.
why am i doing this?