I lost time. I lost a lot of time.

I had to get back before I even knew it. It was my last day here and I was in a pool with my cousins, with round red pills bearing Adderall, clutched in my right hand. I don’t know how I got here or how I got the pills. A lot must have happened during the time I lost.

An American family was sitting by the  pool and giggling, asking me what I held in my hand.

Candy, I responded.

I had to go to a court hearing which I didn’t know what it was for, and I didn’t want to go because I was holding all the adderall pills in my hand, and they all started getting wet in the pool. I might as well missed the courts hearing. Is it important? It’s definitely important. You needed to attend, someone said.

I decided to go back to my old school to find out who gave me these pills. In order to get back into my school, I and a bunch of others my age had to pass an exam that only had one question on it. It was a binary question where the answer was either Yes or No. If we got the answer right, we could go back in. If we got the answer wrong, we would be executed by a poisonous potion.

We were all filling in the exam in a dirty silver-skinned orange train cart that looked a lot like a subway cart in New York City. We sat facing each other with our hands on our knees, our knees closed, sitting very straight. Even when we laughed and joked we did not move. Everyone quieted down and looked at the front of the train cart where the homeless often use to get between carts, when we heard a noise. Nina came in. Nina was my primary school best friend. She was also a kleptomaniac. I once saw her put 3 erasers from Ms.Wayne’s store into her pocket. She walked out without paying or blinking, and looked back at me, smiling. 

Nina came in from the front of the train and I stopped her to ask, did you give me these pills? 

What pills? I just came to say that the teacher is coming, she said. Also, Ann is in the next train cart. 

Ann and I were the only two people in the world that had a strange disease where we were trapped in our memories. We’d wake up in the middle of the night in agony thinking of something embarrassing that happened yesterday, although the thing in fact happened 20 years ago. Or we’d throw a fit over a recent regretful encounter with our older 15 year old friend, only to see in the mirror that we’re already 30. One day, she was cured, by her own will according to her, and I became the only one left in the world with this disability.

Ok, I turned my head to the train cart, just so you realize, there’re a lot more of us than the one of him. I was referring to the teacher, and what we could do in the face of a collective execution by poisonous potion. The teacher came in right after at the last sound of my sentence to collect our exam papers.

I haven’t seen you for ever. He came straight to me, and calmly exhaled onto my face of shock. It was my Great Grandpa.

You’ve never seen me. I closed my dropped jaw. I guess I’m here thanks to you though. Did you give me Adderall pills?

Why do you think I gave you Adderall pills?

I don’t know. Thought you were a druggie. Didn’t you use to give your peasants opium?

Well yeah. But that was a special time. They were in pain.

I am in pain.

Doing what? Sipping a $12 matcha in your air-conditioned room?

No… well… no… but holy shit that’s actually how much it costs in New York now.

What trial are you going to later?

I’m not sure. Maybe your trail.

There was never a trail for me. The peasants let me go. Guess what happened to the other land owners who didn’t give them opium.

I don’t know. They put them on trail?

They shot them. All of them. Great Grandpa sighed.

Maybe it’s a trial for Nina. She just stole your wooden cane.

Well, she led you to Ann though, didn’t she? Go easy on the kid. I nodded and left him to find Ann, who was peacefully sitting and looking out of the window. 

Why are you going back? Ann asked upon the sight of me.

I opened my palm to show her the pills. I don’t know who gave me these. I need to go back to find out.  

The train stopped and Ann opened the door and tried to forcefully drag me out of the cart. We must go now, before you run out of time and before the trial starts, she said. 

Just a second! Great grandpa suddenly entered our cart and yelled with his right arm raised, with a face of regret and steaming hot tears pouring down his eye sockets, he said the correct answer is Yes and explained with all details and mathematical derivation of how this answer came about. 

On our submitted exam, I wrote No. Ann wrote Yes. 

Might as well, I’m gonna get a break. I’m pretty exhausted from looking for whoever gave me these pills, I thought. But then I thought what a waste it was, this whole journey. If I could start again, I should probably just ride the train somewhere else with Ann, just the two of us. Maybe somewhere warm. Somewhere warm all year round. At the end of that thought, with one gulp, I took the poisonous potion and walked out with Ann. 

So this is goodbye. Sorry I hadn’t been the best of friends. I must have been resentful that you were cured. I became the only patient. Sometimes I even forget that. I forget it was only me now. Goodbye and remember me fondly. I felt relieved saying that to Ann. With the potion already starting to diffuse, a calm sedation was spreading up my spine. But Ann shook her head firmly, and told me I could take an antidote in secret and live the rest of my life as a fugitive. 

What? I asked with an anguish of a worker informed that he had to go back to the factory on Sunday. Who has the antidote? 

Sine. You need to hurry. 

Sine? But…

Call him. Ann said convincingly. I knew you’d write “No”. I came back to tell you Sine has the antidote. 

What’s the worst that could happen if I don’t get to the antidote? But feeling that maybe death is a legitimate excuse to contact him, I called Sine. When he picked up, I asked with guilt and shame whether he wanted to give me one of the antidotes. No pressure, I laughed. It’s illegal. I don’t want to implicate you…. 

Sine said yes before I finished the sentence.   

Let’s meet in the Cathedral Library then, I said.

Outside, Cathedral Library looked like a soaked, lonely, demur, giant gray dog.

Inside, I saw Sine frantically looking for me in the library. I felt like I’ve just seen him yesterday. I didn’t know what propelled me to hide from him when I was already at an extinctional risk. Maybe it was simply a voyeuristic pleasure of seeing his run around in a frenzie. Or maybe it was guilt. Or maybe it was a guilt that I now must put him into illegitimate dealings as my accomplice. 

Sine! I called out his name peaking out from behind a cold gray cement pillar. My voice flew for a long time in the air, and landed on his face like a lake without a ripple of shock. He was nothing but relieved when he saw me. He quickened his step towards me, as he asked me when I had taken the potion and whether I felt good and whether I should just open my mouth and whether I'd be ok if he just…I opened my mouth as he put three half-blue-half-red antidote pills deep into my throat with his long sauveour elegant fingers. The coldness of his finger lingered on my lower lip, with a citric chrysanthemum taste. 

How many did you put in?

Three. How many potions did you take?

Just one. I said as I spit out two and gave back to him. Did you give me these Adderall pills by the way? I opened up my fist to show him the pills in my palm.

I didn’t. He looked honest. 

Ok, goodbye for real this time. I scuttled away, before anyone could identify us.

I couldn’t find Ann again. I didn’t know where she went.

Summer was scorching and the air smelled like burned Devilwood and weed. Before I knew, I was already back in the pool. My cousins had left, and the American family was still giggling. 

Why don’t you just take the pills? The Americans asked me. 

I looked down into my palm and the squiggly texts on the pills almost started washing away. I took the pills and all the lost time came back to me. I saw Ann’s smile glitter as a reflection on the swaying waves in blue water of the pool.

I hurried out of the pool to get dressed for the trial. I nearly missed it. 

[The End]

Translated:

安非他命

我丢失时间了。我丢失了很多时间。

在我意识到之前，我就必须要回去了。这是我在这里的最后一天，我和表兄弟姐妹们一起在游泳池里，我的右手紧握着一些上面刻着“安非他命”的圆形的红色药丸。我不知道我是怎么到这里的，也不知道我怎么拿到了这些药丸。在我失去的那段时间里肯定发生了很多事情。

一家美国人坐在游泳池边儿，咯咯地笑着，问我手里拿着什么。

糖果，我回答说。

我必须去参加一场法庭听证会，但我不知道是为了什么，我也不想去，因为我手里拿着所有的安非他命药丸，而且它们已经在游泳池里湿了。已经没时间了。我不如错过法庭的听证会好了。它很重要吗？肯定很重要，你必须去参加，有人说。

我决定回到我的老学校，找出是谁给了我这些药丸。为了重新进入学校，我和一群和我年龄相仿的人必须通过一个只有一个问题的考试。这个问题可能的答案只有“是”或“否”。如果我们答对了，我们就可以回去。如果答错了，就会被毒药毒死。

我们都在一个肮脏的银皮橙色火车车厢里填写考试卷，这个车厢看起来很像纽约市的地铁车厢。我们面对面坐着，双手放在膝盖上，膝盖紧闭，坐得很直。即使在笑闹和开玩笑的时候，我们也不动弹。突然，我们听到一阵声音，大家都安静下来，看着火车车厢的前面，那个经常有无家可归者在车厢之间穿梭的地方。

尼娜走了进来。尼娜是我小学时的最好朋友。她也是一个偷窃狂。我曾经看到她从韦恩女士的商店里拿了3块橡皮擦，然后毫不犹豫地走出去，回头对我微笑着，不付账也不眨眼。

尼娜从火车前面走进来，我拦住她，问她，是不是你给了我这些药丸？

什么药丸？她说，我只是来告诉你老师要来了。另外，安娜在最后一个车厢里。

安娜和我是世界上唯二两个患有一种奇怪病症的人—我们被困在记忆里。我们会半夜惊醒，想着昨天发生的让人尴尬的事情，然后在尴尬中度过一天。但事实上，那件事早在20年前就发生了。或者我们会记起最近与15岁的哥哥或者姐姐发生的令人遗憾的相遇而大发脾气，但却紧接着在镜子里看到，现实中我们已经30岁了。有一天，她被自己的意志治愈了，她说，而我成了世界上唯一一个仍然患有这种残疾的人。

好吧，我转过头去看着火车车厢，你们要意识到，我们有一车人，她只有一个人。我指的是老师，以及在面对集体毒药处决时我们能做些什么。老师在我说完这句话的最后一个音节的时候，恰好走了进来，收取我们的考卷。但他不是一个女老师。他是我的曾祖父。

我很久没见到你了。他径直走到我面前，冷静地对我吐出一口气，让我震惊得下巴都掉了下来。

你从来没有见过我。我合上了下垂的下巴。不过我想多亏了你我才来到这里的。你给了我安非他命药丸吗？

你为什么认为是我给了你安非他命药丸？

我不知道。难道你以前不是给你的农民鸦片吗？

是的，他们痛苦得要命。

我也是。

你后面要去听审判吗？

是的。这是什么审判？

我不确定。我从来没有接受过审判。农民放过了我，因为我给了他们鸦片。他们把所有其他地主都进行了公开审判，然后枪毙了他们。曾祖父耸了耸肩。

也许是审判尼娜。她刚刚偷了你的木拐杖。

好吧，但至少她带你找到了安娜，不是吗？对那个孩子宽容一些吧。我点了点头，走入下一个车厢找到安娜，她正安静地坐在窗前看着外面。

你为什么要回去？安娜看到了我手里的药丸，就问道。

我打开手掌，让她看到了掌心里的药丸。我不知道是谁给了我这些。我需要回去找出来。

火车停了下来，安娜打开了车门，试图硬拉着我离开车厢。我们必须现在就走，免得你时间用完了，也免得审判开始，她说。

等一下！曾祖父突然走进了我们的车厢，他举起了右臂，脸上带着遗憾和热泪盈眶的表情，他说正确答案是“是”，并详细解释了这个答案是怎么得出来的。在我们交上的考卷上，我写了“否”。安娜写了“是”。

这样也挺好的。我对自己说，我找了很久谁给我这些药丸，我相当疲惫了。但然后我想，这一切都是多么的浪费，整个旅程。如果我可以重新开始，我应该只是和安娜两个人一起坐火车去别的地方。也许是个暖和的地方。一年四季都很暖和的地方。在这个想法的尽头，我一口气吞下了那瓶毒药，然后和安娜一起走了出去。

那么这就是告别了。对不起，我没有成为最好的朋友。我一定是在嫉妒你康复了。我成了唯一的病人。有时候我甚至忘记了。我忘记了只有我现在。再见了，好好地记住我吧。对安娜说出这句话让我感到一种解脱。毒药已经开始扩散，一种宁静的镇静正在我的脊柱上传播。但安娜面无表情地摇了摇头，告诉我可以偷偷地服用一剂解药，然后过上逃亡者的生活。

什么？我问着，就像一个工人被告知星期天也得回去工厂一样感到痛苦。解药在谁手里？

西恩。你得赶紧。

西恩？但是……

你现在给他打电话。安娜肯定地说。我就知道你会写“否”。我回来是告诉你，西恩有解药。

如果我不能拿到解药，最糟糕的事情会是什么呢？但是也许死亡是一个合理的借口，可以联系他，我打电话给了西恩。当他接起电话的时候，我带着愧疚和羞愧地问他是否愿意给我一些解药。别有压力，不给我也罢，我笑了笑。这是违法的。我不想让你卷入其中……

西恩在我语落之前就答应了。

那我们就在大教堂图书馆见面吧，我说。

外面，大教堂图书馆看起来像一只湿漉漉、寂寞而含蓄的巨大灰狗。

里面，我看到西恩在图书馆里拼命地找我。我感觉好像昨天刚刚见过他。我不知道为什么在我已经处于灭绝风险时，我却要躲避他。也许这只是一种偷窥的愉悦，看着他在狂乱中奔走。或者可能是一种内疚，我现在必须把他牵扯进我的非法交易中，让他成为我的同谋。

西恩！我从一个冰冷的灰色水泥柱子后面叫出了他的名字。我的声音在空中飘荡了很长时间，像落在一个没有涟漪的湖面一样落在了他的脸上。当他看到我的时候，他只是松了一口气。当他走近我时，他问我什么时候喝下毒药，我感觉怎么样，他是否可以直接…直接张开嘴… 直接将药放入我的喉咙… 当三颗半蓝半红的解药深深塞进我的喉咙时，我还张着嘴巴。他的手指的寒意还停留在我的下唇上，带着柠檬味的菊花味。

你放了多少颗？

三颗。你喝了多少瓶毒药？

只有一瓶。我吐掉了两颗，递回给了他。顺便问一下，你是不是给了我这些安非他命药丸？我打开手心，给他看了看我手中的药丸。

我并没有。他看起来很诚实。

好吧，这次真的再见了。在有人认出我们之前，我匆匆离开了。

我再也找不到安娜了。我不知道她去了哪里。

夏天很炎热，空气里弥漫着烧焦的恶魔树和杂草的味道。在我意识到之前，我已经回到了游泳池。我的表兄弟姐妹们都离开了，而那个美国家庭还在咯咯地笑着。

你为什么不直接吃这些药呢？那些美国人问我。

我低头看着手心里的药丸，上面的文字几乎开始模糊不清。我吞下了这些药丸，所有失去的时间都回到了我身边。我看到安娜的微笑在游泳池里蓝色水波的摇曳中闪烁着。

我匆匆离开游泳池去穿衣准备听证会。我差点错过了它。