1. Always be five strides ahead of him, rolling out an endless red carpet. 2. Present him, each morning, with a sack-lunch for the day. In a kiddie's lunchpail of course. 3. Sneak up behind him. Go 'Boo!' and giggle. Walk away mumbling that you 'got him good'. 4. Shave his head while he sleeps. 5. Keep the hair. Have fun with Polyjuice. 6. Offer to assist him with his love-life. 7. Run to pull his chair out for him at mealtimes. 8. Charm him to talk with an awful Australian accent. And use awful stereotypical Australian slang. Think Crocodile Hunter. Think Crocodile Dundee. Think the 'Bruce' sketch. (Try not to think Russell Crowe. I try not to.) 9. Wolf-howl loudly from a VERY good hiding place. 10. Call him 'Flicky Flickerton' by accident. 11. In fact, call him by a different name everytime you see him. 'Tinkerbell' 'Spot' and 'Twinkle-Toes' should go down well. 12. Sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you. 13. Try to get him to dance the Hokey-Pokey. Demonstrate. 14. Tell him to pick on somebody his own size. Stand on your tiptoes and suggest yourself. 15. Run into his quarters excitedly, grab him and drag him outside. Point at a cloud that you insist 'looks JUST like you sir!'. 16. Make him play 'Monopoly' with you. Win. 17. Attempt to hide inside his robes whenever Neville Longbottom's potion threatens to explode. 18. Grab a friend. Grab his wand. Play 'Snapey-in-the-middle'. 19. Make vague allusions to having been witness to his birth. 20. Run after him in the halls with Christmas Crackers. Insist he crack one with you. Insist he wear the silly paper hat that emerges. 21. Ensure your potions explode directly in his face. When they do say 'That'll learn ya!' 22. When you see him coming, lie down in the hallway. Insist that you 'have fallen and can't get up'. 23. One word: Veritaserum 24. Two words: Cotton Candy 25. Bounce up and down with anticipation until he begins each class. 26. Tell him he's 'Snape-tastic!' 27. 'Snape-o-riffic!' works just as well. 28. Get him stoned. Be ready with meat-pies and twinkies when he gets the munchies. 29. As he stalks by, enquire loudly of your friends if he 'isn't just the cutest little thing you ever did see?' 30. In his class, hold your breath until you turn purple and pass out. Every lesson 31. Charm his eyes red and his hair white. In other words, turn him albino. 32. Look at him. Give him over-exaggerated expressions. Change your expression every 5 seconds. 'Excited' 'Scared' 'Thoughtful' 'Angry' 'Sad' 'Demure' etc 33. Enjoy his classes a little *too* much. 34. Enquire after his health. 35. Enquire after his wealth. 36. Enquire after his boxers. 37. Ask him if he's related to Basil Fawlty. 38. Anytime you see him venture out of doors, grab your broomstick and take off. Continually swoop him until he runs inside again. 39. Hide under your desk in potions. Pretend you're sure he can't see you. Even if he bends to look straight down on you. 40. Form a choir. Stand behind him as he teaches. Sing hymns and drinking songs softly throughout lessons. 41. Tackle him. 42. Relate to him in great detail the dreams you had the previous night. Tell what you think the deeper meaning of them is. Be specific, long-winded and horribly pretentious. 43. Steal his Death-Eater robes. 44. Give them back. Dyed yellow, of course. 45. Waggle your eyebrows suggestively at him. Whenever you feel the moment is right. 46. Charm his robes to look tye-died and give him circular sunglasses. 47. Sneak up behind him. Blindfold him. Spin him in circles a few times. Run away. 48. Learn basic muggle magic tricks. Call yourself The Great Snape-ini. Constantly approach him with a deck of cards, imploring him to 'Pick a card, any card!' 49. Ask him if he's 'sure about that, sir?' whenever he states a fact in class. 50. Wait to one side of the staffroom door with a club in your hands. Bash him over the head and knock him out when he emerges. Do this every day until he is scared to leave the staffroom. 51. Transfigure his robes into the outfit of a stereotypical 70's grunge rocker. Add a neck-slung guitar. 52. Transfigure his robes into the outfit of a stereotypical 80's punk. Leathers, make-up, zippers n' all. 53. Pierce one of his ears while he sleeps. 54. Ask him to try a potion you've just concocted with random ingredients. Promise him that 'It'll knock your socks off' 55. Follow him around quoting 'The Sunscreen Song' 56. Transfigure random articles in the potions classroom into butterflies. 57. Procure his mother's address. Owl her frequently with 'reports' on her son. 58. Grab his arms. Swing him around. Sing 'Make your own kind of music Sing your own special song, Make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along!'. Let him go. Run 59. Ask him how old he is. 60. Sit there in class staring at him. Do this all year and fail the class. 61. Push him in the lake. 62. Wear a tutu to class. When he berates you tell him 'if you're really that jealous, you can try it on later.' 63. Charm a music box that playes "greensleves' into never stopping. Make it invisible and leave it in his quarters. 64. 'Are you cheating on me?' 65. Give him a Metallica T-Shirt for his birthday. 66. Bake him a cake! 67. Encourage him to take up knitting. 68. Attempt to carve your name into his arm. 69. Chant softly. 'Snape Snape Snape...' whenever he walks by. Continue until he is out of hearing range. 70. Promise him a puppy. 71. Leave a yo-yo in his quarters with a note that says 'Keep this with you always. It may save your life someday.' 72. Follow him around, frantically writing anything he ever says to anyone at anytime. 73. When he looks like he's about to snap at someone shout 'Sic 'em Severus!' 74. Get a good run-up. Jump on his back and shout 'Piggy-Back! Piggy-Back' 75. Pretend to fall over anytime he is within 5 feet of you. Land on him. 76. If he is more than 5 feet away from you, but still within striking distance, launch yourself at him. 77. Owl him (anonymously) random articles from a Muggle publication known as 'The Enquirer' Attach notes to them stating that he should 'study these carefully. They contain clues.' 78. Should he recieve the minutest injury, mother him excessively and drag him by the robes to Madam Pomfrey. (I'm talking paper-cuts and toe-stubbings here) 79. Ask him about his childhood. 80. Get the potions class to do a wave when he enters the room. 81. Ask him the particulars of his relationship with Lucius Malfoy. 82. When he leans down to inspect your work - pull out a small length of yarn and dangle it in his face as you would a cat. 83. Insist that the lunch you just had was 'Snape-a-licious!' 84. Make a trail of Bertie Bott's every flavour beans from the Gryffindor Towers to his door. 85. At the end of each potions class, leave him a 'report card' detailing how you think he did that lesson. Comments like 'has potential' 'adequate' and 'moderately intimidating' are perfect. 86. Conjure up bright blue suspenders to appear over his robes in the middle of class. 87. Repeat every thing he says, just after he says it, in a loud whisper and follow each repeat with the words 'Ohhhh, interesting...VERY interesting.' Pretend to scribble things down rapidly. 88. Greet him for the first time each day with the warning 'You stay out of my dreams, you master of temptation, you.' 89. Attempt to harness 'Snape-power' 90. Lock him in a room with Professor Trelawny. 91. On St. Patrick's day - Charm his robes and eyes green and his hair red. Conjure up a long, red beard and large, green top hat. Charm a cloud of four-leaf clovers to swarm around his head all day. Enjoy. 92. Get him a pet llama. 93. Leave copies of these lists lying around. 94. Alternatively, pin them up. Anonymously. 95. When he attempts to scare you in class, yawn, look bored and tell him you're 'Sorry, but the thrill is just gone.' 96. Completely ignore his existence. Do not pay him the smallest amount of attention whatsoever. Act as though you cannot see him. If he speaks, do not answer. If he is right in front of you, look straight through him. Constantly ask people (when he can hear you) where he has disappeared to. 97. Walk up to him every morning. Hit him repeatedly with a rolled up copy of 'The Daily Prophet' 98. Tell him he's got something on his face, when he clearly doesn't. Urge him to wipe it off. Insist that it is still there. 99. 'How's that rash healing up, Professor?' 100. Tell him you know how to 'charm the wickedness out of him' 101. Get a sack. Jump him. Keep him under your bed.I do not own this list, nor did i create it. Someone emailed it to me a few years ago, but i still find it hilarious.

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