Ka\u00e7 zamand\u0131r yazm\u0131yorum. Hayat b\u00f6yle g\u00fczeldi. Bu kalem… Bu defter… Nereden geldiler vakitsiz.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nisan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bahar… Ku\u015flar…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dirili\u015f ay\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Biraz da vakitsiz a\u015fklar mevsimi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Eyl\u00fcl ne g\u00fczel oysa, sokaklarda turfanda meyveler gibi ayr\u0131l\u0131k kokuyor. Sararm\u0131\u015f yapraklar r\u00fczg\u00e2ra teslim olmu\u015f, d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fc a\u011fa\u00e7tan ka\u00e7arcas\u0131na s\u00fcr\u00fckleniyor. Ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n, ba\u015f\u0131na neler getirece\u011finden habersiz. Ger\u00e7e\u011fi bilse b\u0131rak\u0131p gitmeyecek a\u011fac\u0131. Ama yaprak bu, d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015f ya bir kez, inad\u0131na gidecek.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
D\u00fc\u015fen her bir yapra\u011f\u0131n ard\u0131ndan yeni bir yaprak yolluyor a\u011fa\u00e7, vuslat i\u00e7in. B\u00fcy\u00fckl\u00fck bende kals\u0131n dercesine. Anlatam\u0131yor kendini. Ve yapraklar kayboluyor ufukta. A\u011fa\u00e7 dimdik ayakta. Sadece el sallamakla yetiniyor gidenlerin ard\u0131ndan. Yapraksa peri\u015fan. Daha ilk dakikas\u0131nda ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n ba\u015fl\u0131yor s\u00fcr\u00fcnmeye. Yerden yere vuruyor kendini. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcp yollara, unutmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor ayr\u0131l\u0131k ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nisand\u0131 de\u011fil mi? Eyl\u00fcl\u00fc ve ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 niye kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131m ki?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nisan. Tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z ayd\u0131. Bir yoku\u015fun tepesindeydi okulunuz. (Okulumuz desem daha m\u0131 anlaml\u0131 olurdu?) Y\u0131llar\u0131n yordu\u011fu ben son bir yoku\u015f \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Bir soluk dinlenip gidecektim. B\u00f6yle olaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 nereden bilecektim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
S\u0131n\u0131f\u0131n sol k\u00f6\u015fesinde, en arka s\u0131rada oturuyordun. \u00d6yle bir iz b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015ft\u0131n ki bende h\u00e2l\u00e2 sol k\u00f6\u015fede en arka s\u0131rada oturanlar\u0131n sencileyin olmas\u0131n\u0131 bekliyorum. Bo\u015funa ama bekliyorum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yirmi ki\u015filik s\u0131n\u0131f listesinden akl\u0131mda kalan ilk senin ismindi. (…….) Ni\u00e7in deme, bilmiyorum. Bilsem ne de\u011fi\u015fir ki zaten?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bir \u015feyi \u00e7ok iyi biliyorum ama. Nas\u0131l da nefret etmi\u015ftin benden. Ders zilinin \u00e7almas\u0131yla birlikte merdivenleri \u00fc\u00e7er be\u015fer \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f, arkada\u015f belledi\u011fin \u00f6\u011fretmenine \u015fikayet etmi\u015ftin beni. Hatta hakarete varan s\u00f6zler s\u00f6ylemi\u015ftin benim i\u00e7in, bunlar\u0131 \u00e7ok sonra \u00f6\u011frendim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u0130lk kez o zaman \u00f6\u011frenmi\u015ftim, kimsenin bilmedi\u011fi ama senin bildi\u011fin \u015fiirleri bilmenin su\u00e7 oldu\u011funu. Gizliden gizliye bir saltanat kurmu\u015ftun da o sallan\u0131yor muydu?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dedim ya \u00e7ok \u015fiir bilmek su\u00e7mu\u015f. Ve ben y\u0131llar boyu bu su\u00e7u hep severek i\u015fledim. Bir g\u00fcn fark\u0131na vard\u0131m ki sadece su\u00e7 i\u015flemekle kalmam\u0131\u015f\u0131m, kalbine de i\u015flemi\u015fim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ben ne zaman n\u00f6bet\u00e7i olsam o g\u00fcn sen de n\u00f6bet\u00e7i olurdun. Her pazartesi n\u00f6bet\u00e7iydim, bu de\u011fi\u015fmezdi. Oysa sen uzak aralarla n\u00f6bet\u00e7i olmal\u0131yd\u0131n. Sormad\u0131m ya seni s\u0131k s\u0131k n\u00f6bet\u00e7i odas\u0131nda \u00e7ay demlerken g\u00f6r\u00fcrd\u00fcm. \u00d6\u011fretmenlerine en g\u00fczel \u00e7ay\u0131 sen demlerdin. Herkesin ortak fikriydi bu. Y\u00fcre\u011fini demleyip getirmi\u015fsin gibi gelirdi bana hep. \u00c7ok sonralar\u0131 \u00f6\u011frendim ki herkesin \u00e7ay\u0131n\u0131 ellerinle uzat\u0131rken benim \u00e7ay\u0131m tepsiyle birlikte gelirdi. “Ellerim titrerdi.” demi\u015ftin. Barda\u011fa koydu\u011fun \u00e7ay m\u0131yd\u0131, y\u00fcre\u011fin miydi bilemezdim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nefretin zamanla ilgiye d\u00f6nm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. Sordu\u011fum sorulara cevap veremez olmu\u015ftun. O k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck kalbinde belki ilk kez yanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 sevdan\u0131n ate\u015fi. Sevda ki girince kalbe, ak\u0131l terk ederdi bedeni. Sordu\u011fum sorular\u0131n cevab\u0131n\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fcnden okurdum. Dilin tutulurdu, konu\u015famazd\u0131n. Dut yemi\u015f b\u00fclb\u00fcle d\u00f6nerdin. (Hi\u00e7 dut yemi\u015f b\u00fclb\u00fcl g\u00f6rmemi\u015ftim halbuki.) Yanaklar\u0131n\u0131n s\u0131cakl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 renginden anlard\u0131m. B\u00fct\u00fcn s\u0131n\u0131f\u0131 ate\u015f basard\u0131. B\u00fcy\u00fck bir binan\u0131n, itfaiye merdiveni yeti\u015fmeyen kat\u0131nda yang\u0131nda \u00e7aresiz kalan biri gibi zilin \u00e7almas\u0131n\u0131 beklerdim. Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6n\u00fcne e\u011fer sessizce otururdun yerine. Benim pi\u015fmanl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 da al\u0131rd\u0131n sanki omuzlar\u0131na. Ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n uzun bir sessizlik olurdu. Konu\u015fmadan da d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerin anlat\u0131labildi\u011fini senden \u00f6\u011frenmi\u015ftim. Susmak ve \u00e7ok \u015fey anlatmak… Y\u00fcz\u00fcndeki yang\u0131n s\u00f6nerdi. Kalbinde h\u00e2l\u00e2 dumanlar t\u00fct\u00fcyor. S\u00f6nd\u00fc san\u0131yorum, oysa i\u00e7ten i\u00e7e yan\u0131yor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nisand\u0131 ya sonra eyl\u00fcl geldi, nisan geldi. Nisan gitti, eyl\u00fcl geldi. Y\u0131llar h\u0131zla ge\u00e7ti.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Son bir nisan daha geldi. Vuslattan bahsetmiyordu. Ayr\u0131l\u0131klar\u0131 y\u00fcklenmi\u015f s\u0131rt\u0131na, usulca sokuluverdi i\u00e7imize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nisand\u0131. Yapraklar d\u00f6k\u00fcl\u00fcyor, ku\u015flar g\u00f6\u00e7 ediyordu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Hocam!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u0130rkildim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Hocam, yazd\u0131ysan\u0131z defterimi alabilir miyim? Arkada\u015flar\u0131m da birka\u00e7 sat\u0131r yazacaklar.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 kald\u0131rd\u0131m. “Sen de kimsin?” dercesine y\u00fcz\u00fcne bak\u0131yordum. Bir deftere bakt\u0131m, bir yazd\u0131klar\u0131ma. \u00d6\u011frencim ba\u015fucumda benden bir cevap bekliyordu. \u015ea\u015fk\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 o da fark etmi\u015f olacak ki “Hocam, isterseniz ben daha sonra geleyim.” demi\u015fti.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Gitme. Birka\u00e7 c\u00fcmle daha yaz\u0131p vereyim.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yazd\u0131klar\u0131m onu hi\u00e7 ilgilendirmeyecekti. \u00d6yleyse niye yazm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m? Bu, benim hik\u00e2yemdi. Bir hat\u0131ra defterine yaz\u0131labilecek en son c\u00fcmlelerdi bunlar. Y\u0131rtmal\u0131 m\u0131yd\u0131m, yoksa oldu\u011fu gibi b\u0131rak\u0131p teslim mi etmeliydim? Bu, emanet bir defterdi. Y\u0131rtamazd\u0131m. B\u00f6yle bir hakk\u0131m yoktu. Versem, bir s\u0131rr\u0131 if\u015fa etmi\u015f olur muydum acaba? Karars\u0131zl\u0131k ve de \u00e7aresizlik hep b\u00f6yle zamanlarda yakas\u0131na yap\u0131\u015f\u0131yordu insan\u0131n.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mutluluk dilemeyi unutmu\u015fum. Onu ili\u015ftirdim son sat\u0131ra. Gen\u00e7lerin ergenlik \u00e7a\u011f\u0131 elbiseleri gibi e\u011freti durmu\u015ftu. B\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131 ben yazd\u0131m dercesine bir sahiplenmeyle imzalad\u0131m yazd\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131. \u0130mzam yazd\u0131klar\u0131mdan daha anlaml\u0131yd\u0131. Onun beni daha \u00e7ok anlatt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Zaman\u0131n insana her \u015feyi unutturdu\u011funu benden iyi bilen olmazd\u0131. Ne zaman bu sat\u0131lar\u0131 yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 merak eder belki diyerek kalemi son kez oynatt\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Takvime bakt\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nisand\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nBu hik\u00e2yeyi en az on y\u0131l \u00f6nce yazm\u0131\u015f olmal\u0131y\u0131m. Belki de on be\u015f y\u0131l… Eski defterleri kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131r\u0131rken \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 kar\u015f\u0131ma. K\u0131yamad\u0131m, onu da buraya koydum. Yanl\u0131\u015f akl\u0131mda kalmad\u0131ysa Ethem Baran okumalar\u0131 yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir zamanda tamam\u0131yla ona \u00f6yk\u00fcnerek bir \u015feyler karalam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. K\u00fct\u00fcphanemde iki eseri vard\u0131 yazar\u0131n: Sonras\u0131 Ayr\u0131l\u0131k ve Kurutulmu\u015f G\u00fcl Mevsimi. Umar\u0131m h\u00e2l\u00e2 duruyordur o eserler. Niye b\u00f6yle diyorum? \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bir g\u00fcn ac\u0131mas\u0131z bir el, \u00fcstelik kitaplar\u0131 \u00e7ok sevdi\u011fini s\u00f6yleyen ac\u0131mas\u0131z bir el, b\u00fct\u00fcn kitaplar\u0131m\u0131 yerinden yurdundan etmi\u015fti. Oof off!<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Ka\u00e7 zamand\u0131r yazm\u0131yorum. Hayat b\u00f6yle g\u00fczeldi. Bu kalem… Bu defter… Nereden geldiler vakitsiz. Nisan. Bahar… Ku\u015flar… Dirili\u015f ay\u0131. Biraz da vakitsiz a\u015fklar mevsimi. Eyl\u00fcl ne g\u00fczel oysa, sokaklarda turfanda meyveler gibi ayr\u0131l\u0131k kokuyor. Sararm\u0131\u015f yapraklar r\u00fczg\u00e2ra teslim olmu\u015f, d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fc a\u011fa\u00e7tan ka\u00e7arcas\u0131na s\u00fcr\u00fckleniyor. Ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n, ba\u015f\u0131na neler getirece\u011finden habersiz. Ger\u00e7e\u011fi bilse b\u0131rak\u0131p gitmeyecek a\u011fac\u0131. Ama yaprak bu, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":11505,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[55,58],"tags":[2417,2418,357,2419,2420],"class_list":["post-11494","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-cikmaz-sokak-hikayeleri","category-hikaye","tag-ask-mevsimi","tag-baharin-en-guzel-ayi","tag-ha-eylul-ha-nisan","tag-papatya-mevsimi","tag-zamansiz-asklar"],"yoast_head":"\n
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