depression
is not a pretty thing.
So, this is a self-pitying, depressing rant. I'm sorry, didn't want to clutter anybody's friends lists. I just need to...vent. That's partly what LJ's are for, right?
So I got into a "serious" relationship about two weeks ago, and to be honest, it's really not working out. It's been a whole year since I've been involved with anybody, and my social life doesn't exactly require a Rolodex, and I pretty much am a reclusive hermit when it comes to school. But this time, I met someone. He's nice, gorgeous, but also a little quiet. Two quiet mice do not exactly make a lively combo.
As for the intimacy level so far, we've got to cuddling, hugging, and kissing. But on the communication level? Hardly anything worthwhile. I know things about him, and I'm guessing he knows some things about me (lets hope), but when we talk (where, in most cases, there are a lot of awkward silences) I still feel as if I'm talking to a complete stranger. And this guy, we'll call him Rick for argument's sake, is really into the whole shoving-his-tongue-down-my-throat thing. Which, in any other case, I would immediately chalk up to this-guy-is-just-trying-to-get-a-piece-o
To be honest, I'm scared shitless. I don't know. It's been forever since I've taken on something this personal, and it's quite scary. For one thing, I doubt my self-importance. I mean, I don't know if he's going out with me because he genuinely likes me, or if he's doing it to get some action, or if it's just because I'm a year older than him and he's trying to make a name for himself. Personally, I know I have low self-esteem (and I don't mean to bring on the self-pity, but it's inevitable in this situation) and I honestly don't think I am 'cute,' as he had put it. I just don't see it. I have this nagging fear in my mind that he's using me, for something or other.
*sigh* Just, he's cute, I think, and he's always stopping some friends of his who are usually (popular) girls in the halls, and my mind tends to make the connection - Ding! Ding! Ding! - He could have any one of them, if they were single, and yet he's stuck with me. Honest, folks, I don't think there's one lick of something attractive in my features. One, my legs are too short, two, I'm too short. Three, I wear thick glasses (practically blind without them), and my hair is currently trying to grow itself out after I went through my whole 'being a boy' phase.
Also, just the way that he keeps slipping me the tongue everytime we see eachother, makes me think that he is using me just to get some action and look 'cool,' so to speak, that he is getting some.
And it's been almost two weeks since we've gone out, and I keep on telling him to call me when he's busy trying to hug me, but he hasn't yet. Two weeks, and yet still no call. He's all into the make out scene, and still no call. There's something wrong with this picture. And he said he'd call today, so that we could 'hang out' and yet he hasn't, and I have my doubts he ever will. *sigh*
Maybe it's just me. Lord knows I'm probably the only one in this relationship tearing my hair out, and he's probably forgotten about our supposed plans for today because he's most likely hanging out with some friends.
Don't know. Maybe what they say is true, and that real beauty first begins within. Love yourself and others will love you too, and all that bullcrap.
I'm sorry, sorry you had to read that. If anyone did, anyway. Thanks, all the same.
So, this is a self-pitying, depressing rant. I'm sorry, didn't want to clutter anybody's friends lists. I just need to...vent. That's partly what LJ's are for, right?
So I got into a "serious" relationship about two weeks ago, and to be honest, it's really not working out. It's been a whole year since I've been involved with anybody, and my social life doesn't exactly require a Rolodex, and I pretty much am a reclusive hermit when it comes to school. But this time, I met someone. He's nice, gorgeous, but also a little quiet. Two quiet mice do not exactly make a lively combo.
As for the intimacy level so far, we've got to cuddling, hugging, and kissing. But on the communication level? Hardly anything worthwhile. I know things about him, and I'm guessing he knows some things about me (lets hope), but when we talk (where, in most cases, there are a lot of awkward silences) I still feel as if I'm talking to a complete stranger. And this guy, we'll call him Rick for argument's sake, is really into the whole shoving-his-tongue-down-my-throat thing. Which, in any other case, I would immediately chalk up to this-guy-is-just-trying-to-get-a-piece-o
To be honest, I'm scared shitless. I don't know. It's been forever since I've taken on something this personal, and it's quite scary. For one thing, I doubt my self-importance. I mean, I don't know if he's going out with me because he genuinely likes me, or if he's doing it to get some action, or if it's just because I'm a year older than him and he's trying to make a name for himself. Personally, I know I have low self-esteem (and I don't mean to bring on the self-pity, but it's inevitable in this situation) and I honestly don't think I am 'cute,' as he had put it. I just don't see it. I have this nagging fear in my mind that he's using me, for something or other.
*sigh* Just, he's cute, I think, and he's always stopping some friends of his who are usually (popular) girls in the halls, and my mind tends to make the connection - Ding! Ding! Ding! - He could have any one of them, if they were single, and yet he's stuck with me. Honest, folks, I don't think there's one lick of something attractive in my features. One, my legs are too short, two, I'm too short. Three, I wear thick glasses (practically blind without them), and my hair is currently trying to grow itself out after I went through my whole 'being a boy' phase.
Also, just the way that he keeps slipping me the tongue everytime we see eachother, makes me think that he is using me just to get some action and look 'cool,' so to speak, that he is getting some.
And it's been almost two weeks since we've gone out, and I keep on telling him to call me when he's busy trying to hug me, but he hasn't yet. Two weeks, and yet still no call. He's all into the make out scene, and still no call. There's something wrong with this picture. And he said he'd call today, so that we could 'hang out' and yet he hasn't, and I have my doubts he ever will. *sigh*
Maybe it's just me. Lord knows I'm probably the only one in this relationship tearing my hair out, and he's probably forgotten about our supposed plans for today because he's most likely hanging out with some friends.
Don't know. Maybe what they say is true, and that real beauty first begins within. Love yourself and others will love you too, and all that bullcrap.
I'm sorry, sorry you had to read that. If anyone did, anyway. Thanks, all the same.