This post you are reading is the most personal and introspective piece I have ever produced in all my years of writing. I can only describe what I am experiencing as divine intervention. I wrote that last piece, titled “When the kids wake up early on Saturday,” for ME, and it turned out way better than I expected, not due to grammar or punctuation but due to my absolute honesty.

I am no longer afraid to admit my shortcomings. I don’t want to hide the fact that I am a recovering addict anymore. It is not my concern what other people think of me. If my words make them uncomfortable, they don't have to read them. If they feel differently towards me because they have suffered at the hands of an addict, I am not angry. I don’t take it personally. I empathize with them. I understand that process, too. I expect some people will have something negative to say or perceive me as self-righteous, but that is okay. I'm not here to change anyone's mind.

My recovery process has taken on a life of its own. I am experiencing such an abrupt and powerful awakening with so many new emotions that I am constantly writing. I am not writing with an end goal or deadline. I will publish everything when it is supposed to be published. I am not writing for financial gain right now. I have faith that money will come with time. My efforts will be rewarded. My emotions, realizations, and ideas are taking up such an enormous space inside me that if I don't release them by putting them down on "paper," I will burst open. Writing everything down as it comes to me has become a physical need, like food or water.

As I write and share these things with readers and other writers, I am developing my "style" and an entirely new language. Recovery has its own vernacular. It adds a new dimension to my writing, and I am still getting used to it. I am developing and accepting this process to be firmly solid in my recovery. I have never approached sobriety like this before because I always had some preconceived notion of what recovery SHOULD look like. I was obsessed with the stages I needed to go through and judged myself for not being where I thought I should be. Or I would lie to myself about where I really was. I denied danger lurking nearby because I was focused on resolving my problems, my trauma, and my disease with just my own willpower. I was merely a reflection of what I perceived recovery looked like.

That is not how absolute sobriety works. I am a neurotic person by nature. I struggle to maintain what I perceive as control over the environment around me. So, I worry and think in circles. Any perceived sense of control is false. I am not the one in control. This is not mine to possess. The fate of the world does not rest on my shoulders. My higher power is in control. This concept has relieved me so much in the last few months. This time I spend in my new sobriety, I am making what feels like an entirely new kind of progress through my honest, hard work and personal reflection. I am finally allowing myself the space for this process to happen naturally. I accept the things I cannot control instead of fighting the outcome. I allow my higher power to take over my burdens and provide me with relief and confidence.

I'm not experiencing the usual anxiety and worry that has been with me every single day of my life. I know everything will be ok because I am letting go of the picture of happiness and success I have always forced on myself. I am creating a new, honest reflection of who I am and finding happiness and success along the way. When I feel overwhelmed during this emotional time, I remind myself, “This, too, shall pass.” “What will be, will be.” I'm picking up the pieces of what parts of me feel shattered and creating a whole new perception of who I am. I am allowed to do that. I can be adaptable and flexible. It is never too late to transform into a better version of yourself. When you give up fighting, you realize how easy existing can be.

If I identify and do the next right thing, if I am accepting of my feelings, if I focus on the patterns of my thoughts and feelings and allow myself to face and experience them with an open mind....healing will happen the way it is supposed to. I can make the transition that has needed to happen for decades. I'm not committed to the "idea" of recovery anymore...I now truly understand myself enough to plan my next steps safely. I have finally evolved and worked hard enough to completely commit to MYSELF. It has taken me such a long time. It has required unabashed honesty from me. And this honesty has led to acceptance and surrender.

It has taken me years to truly understand and LIVE the twelve steps (which I know work). I understand the definitions of acceptance and surrender, but now I know how to experience them. They are no longer concepts but actions I can execute, practice, and understand. THIS IS THE DIFFERENCE. People have said that proper recovery happens when you are open and ready. Of course, I have felt "ready" for years, but I would always slip and fall. This created such grief and shame. Relapse can feel like the end of the world. But what I couldn't see at the time, that my higher power could, was that I had to experience failure and a true rock bottom to be where I am today. I am literally battling my own brain pathways and chemicals here. I will never be cured of the disease of addiction...but I can be happy and fulfilled if I understand what I PERSONALLY need to do to make a successful change in myself.

This is a different process for everyone but an essential step. Unfortunately, some people are not capable of doing this kind of work. It's frightening and uncomfortable. I will meet people who continue to struggle on their journey. Through admitting I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, I encourage other addicts to discuss what addiction and their recovery process look like. I will offer the support and encouragement that only a sober addict can. My bottom line and most important revelation is that I have finally learned to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Although the outcome will leave me the best version of myself, the transition is hard. But I accept the challenge and am at peace. I know who I am and what direction I want to move my life in. I am setting clear, attainable goals. My mindset and the clarity I am experiencing result from actual change. Acceptance and surrender are the catalysts.