At least I'm moving forward.

Where-in There is Scott and Happiness

bextcoll — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:41:49 GMT

Fall break was amazing. I went down to Georgia to see my aunt and uncle (the ones who actually gave a shit when I was living in the motel), and I had such a good time. I ended up spending a lot of time back in a middle school (scary!), but we also did a lot of fun things (read: shopping). For one, we went back to Humpus Bumpus, which just happens to be the coolest bookstore ever. My aunt got me a bouncing glittery penguin from BJ's so I could decorate my room for a holiday that isn't Halloween. Then we went to the mall, and I got a little crazy in FYE. I bought Matt Nathanson "Some Mad Hope", Nickelback "Dark Horse", Fall Out Boy "Infinity on High", Hoobastank "Every Man For Himself", Liz Phair "Liz Phair" (for, like, the second or third time lol), and the movie Hocus Pocus. So. Much. Goodness. *_*

That wasn't the best part of my trip, though. That was when I went to Knoxville. For the first time since 2005 (Scott died in 2004), I was able to visit his grave. It's right there in front of my grandparents, and around all kinds of family that I never knew. I was afraid I would lose it, but I was actually very calm. There was no falling to the ground, crying, begging God to let me stay with Scott like the last time. I stood there, felt slightly awkward about not doing more, and just felt good because for the first time in four years we were actually close together. It sounds silly to say that I needed to drive 4 hours to feel close to someone that I can't even see, but I needed it. I didn't stay long.

Then I went to what used to be Chop's Grill (it's The Chop House now) to see if they had held true on their promise to make "Scotty's Kitchen." They hadn't. But there were several people there that had been there when Scott was, somehow. I asked this nice manager, Angie, and she went to the back and brought me Scott's coat.

I have been wanting Scott's Elmer Fudd coat since before we gave it to them. The workers at the time came and asked my parents if they could have it to make a sort of shrine to Scott in the kitchen. I told Mom that no, I wanted it, but she told me I was being selfish. That he would be remembered better this way. I have been scared ever since we handed it to them that someone would steal it or throw it away. However, by some miracle, it was still there five years later. The cooks and managers use it to go outside to smoke and to go into the freezer. As happy as that made me to know that it was still used, I was selfish, and I took it back. I mean, they weren't using it in the shrine, and people can go buy their own coats. I need Scott's because I don't have much of my brother's. When I got it? God. The moment I saw the coat and Angie handed it to me, I felt this huge rush of relief. The feeling was like, Scott's really still there, you know. I held it, and I felt him. I haven't felt Scott in years.

I immediately started to cry, and Angie comforted me. She told me that Rufus, this awesome black guy that had been Scott's bff way back, had been transferred from CA a few years ago and he was there that night. That he and her were going to put pictures of Scott together for me, and email them to me because I only have 3 pictures of him alive. Three. I thanked her from the bottom of my heart, and apologized because I didn't really have the money to eat there.

Then that amazingly nice lady said she'd feed Shannon and I for free. She said it hadn't taken her long to figure out why I was there because she could see the resemblance. I was confused because Scott and I were complete opposites physically, but she said, "Even if your immediate family can't tell, I look at the area around your eyes and you two are just the same. It's like looking at his face, and it gives me the chills."

We were seated, and then, after awhile, Rufus came out to see me. I have never felt closer to my brother since he died than when I got to hold his coat and hug Rufus. Rufus is the sweetest man you'll ever meet. And come on! He's a black guy named Rufus. What's not to love?

I finished my meal, thanked everyone, and then Shan and I drove around Gay Street and the Women's Basketball National Hall of Fame. We blared "Something in Your Mouth" by Nickelback, and then started back home.

I held Scott's jacket, and felt close to him and God. I started crying because I have never felt this happy since Scott died. Sure, I've been excited or interested or temporarily happy, but this kind of happy is rare. My heart felt full and I felt blessed and I felt God and I prayed and I just couldn't get over how perfect everything was. I felt... healed, I guess. Everything felt right. Nothing could be so right without the hands of God.

The world would be such a better place if people could have 5 years of worry truly melted off them in the span of two hours. I visited my brother, I got to hang out where he spent all his time (the kitchen is still off, btw, and the other managers say it'll never run so well again -- people need Scott, it's a fact), I was able to see our buddy Rufus, and I finally got my brother's coat back. It's in good hands now, and I get to feel my brother's presence. I didn't ever realize I was missing it until Saturday.

I am good. God loves me. I will not ever be apart from my brother again. He is with me.

It's May 29th FTW!

bextcoll — Fri, 29 May 2009 10:50:07 GMT

I GRADUATE TODAY!

Gift Time!

bextcoll — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 20:06:00 GMT

Christmas Gift Toy & MySpace Layouts at pYzam.com

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

bextcoll — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 22:39:51 GMT

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I GOT SIGNED! I'M IN THE AGENCY! I'M A MEMBER OF MODEL TALENT MANAGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hanco

bextcoll — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 00:35:52 GMT

So, yes, I got bored during HAVPA, and I drew what would really happen were Hanshen Rilow (SA) and Draco Malfoy to meet. Anyone who has looked at my pictures knows that I'm not much of an artist, but, oh, I do always amuse myself. This was drawn on the back of my "Elements of Music" study guide.

Yeah, don't even try looking at those hands. Or my majorly abstract bench. Or the bad coloring. BUT ENJOY! :D

On a sadder note, I listened to the boys beside me in College Prep math talking about how they "hate fucking faggots". It bothers me, but whatever. Then, the guy I sit by went way over the line.

"God, I hate fuckin faggots so much! They're so sick! *punch desk* Man, if I my son turned out to be a faggot I would BEAT it until it was out of him or he was dead! I don't know what I'd do."

)': I didn't know what to say, or if I could say anything. But, excuse me, Mr. Catholic? It's sick to be made a homosexual by God, but not to beat your own child? YOU make ME sick. (And, by way of noticing, what if your daughter turned out to be a lesbian? You're not assured a son. /picking)

Hey, Guys

bextcoll — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 21:37:23 GMT

I'm unmedicated with JV and Varsity games tonight, and a day long tournament tomorrow.

Please, for the love of God, someone amuse me to make it better. Tell me something funny, random, weird, ironic, or just whatever you feel like. Anything. Seriously.

Anonymous posting is on, comments are screened, and I'm not logging IPs.

GAH

bextcoll — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 23:26:03 GMT

This rant has been waiting to happen since I read this entry and then this.

First off, let's get this straight. None of this is pointed at a certain person(s), this is just what got me started, so there's really no reason for anyone to come tell me to fuck off. Okay.

I really do feel for this woman. I know what it's like when someone that close to you commits suicide. We thought that my brother had for awhile, I know the way it made me feel, and I saw and heard what it did to my parents. It's excruciating pain, that you just can't understand unless you've been through it. I also believe that while the son did it because he wasn't accepted or whatever, it isn't her fault. While she was being small minded, all she did is share her beliefs. She told her son that she still loved him, and that is why I don't have a problem with her. It wasn't like she was kicking him out, disowning him, or full-out hating him. She disagreed, but let him know that he would still be loved. Honestly, it's his own fault that he's dead, with plenty of blame to go around, but I digress. I'm not talking about who's to blame.

I loathe calling myself a Christian; I do. So few people that call themselves Christians, act like one. To be a Christian is to be Christ like, but all you have to do is read a few comments on that forum to see that few on that site can really call themselves a true Christian. Most of the people on there vocalized nothing but generalized group hate. Did Christ hate groups of people, or anybody, even if they were gay activists? NO, HE DIDN'T. So much of the vocalized Christian beliefs anywhere have to do with we hate this, we hate that, we hate you (until you conform to my personal beliefs)! Jesus was not like that at all. He had tolerance for other people, and just wanted everyone to not hate, be the best person they could be, and be happy. Did he go around saying, "Leper, you are evil! You are going to Hell because I don't like you!" Absolutely not. Anybody remember "love thy neighbor"? It doesn't matter who they are, what label or non-label they fall under, or who they bang! You have to love/tolerate them! Okay!

I guess this is the trial of the everyday true Christian*? Having to deal with all the Christians that give us a bad name by being haters? If I say on the internet somewhere that I am, there are some people who jump me immediately about how they don't want my beliefs shoved down their throat. They're this way, they're staying that way, and I'm an idiot. Usually, almost always actually, I haven't said a word about what I believe or think, just that I am a Christian. It's sort of like, WTF did I do?!

On the other side of the coin, there are plenty of gay activists and other people who hate all Christians just as much or more than they hate them (I'm not counting myself amongst the hater!Christians). That doesn't make them right either! Hating a whole group of people is WRONG no matter what you/they believe or don't believe, and it PISSES ME OFF. Not everybody is the same as their label! Sorry! If you know that and believe that, STOP USING THE WORDS 'ALL', 'EVERY', AND 'NONE'. I'm not like all Christians, and maybe you aren't a stereo-typical atheist. Whoop-de-do!

Lastly, if you're going to attack a Christian, there's a few things that you should know.
1. Read the actual Bible first to find your ammo, if that's what you're going for.
2. Know the beliefs of the atackee in question.
3. For instance, if you were going to attack me, you should know that I'm Church of Christ. That means that you would know that while I fully believe in the Old Testament, I don't follow what it says. The Old Testament to me is the book of the prophecies. When Jesus came in the New Testament he fulfilled the prophecies, he wiped away the old rules (as he brought the new order or whatever), reinstated which ones he wanted to keep, and gave us his ten commandments. So if you wanted to hit me with the, "quote one, quote them all" thing, don't use rules that are out-dated. For some examples, working on Saturday, shrimp, un-kosher meat, and shaving. Those are all Old Testament rules that Jesus got rid of. They don't effect me, and there's no reason for me to quote them at you. Better examples would be cursing and using the Lord's name in vain.

And, yes, homosexuality is out-lawed in both the Old and New Testament.

Just so nobody forgets however, I don't care if you're a different religion, gay, or whatever. I'm tolerant of other people and groups, and if you want to hear it, I'll tell you what I believe and think. That doesn't mean that I expect you to say, "Wow! You're right, and I've been wrong all along! I'm going to go get baptized!" While that would absolutely thrill me, I know how unlikely it is. You can tell me what you think too, just don't expect me to change my ideas either.

No matter who you are or what you stand for, could you people just please quit it with the generalized hate? I know it won't happen, but there is nothing worse than a person who has unconditional hate for a certain kind of people. I know it's called prejudice, but I'm calling it different, because not all people who are prejudiced hate all of the people they're prejudiced against.

*I'm in no way indicating that I'm perfect/good example of a Christian myself. I mean, I surround myself with people I don't want to be like, I lie to my parents, and I'm obsessed with slash! Just, hating hurts people, it's pointless, and such a large dose of hate is so easy to avoid. Not doing it also saves on stress, which could equal eating less, which could equal America losing weight. Just my .02 here.

*deep breaths*

bextcoll — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 13:57:29 GMT

One in six hate crimes are motivated by the victim's sexual orientation.
Yet Federal laws don't protect these people.
Watch the video.
Then tell your Senators to support the Matthew Shepard Act.

One hate crime is committed every hour.
One minute of your time today could equal hate crimes protections for millions.

DO SOMETHING.

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