LJ Idol: The Me in Your Mind is Your Responsibility
A Facebook meme floated across my feed a few days ago. "The version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility," it said. "Holy shit," I said back.
Not my most eloquent moment, true, but definitely a real light bulb for me. Not so long ago, someone I was close to told me that I was gas lighting her, that I was causing her anxiety so severe it was crippling to her.
I felt... so many things in response, but at the end of the day one fact was crystal clear in my mind. I was not trying to make her believe anything in particular except that I only had good intentions. After a few rounds of anxiety, guilt and depression on my part - and I don't know what on her part - I stopped caring if she even believed that I had good intentions.
I wish I had known then what I know now - I wasn't responsible for the version of me living in her head. My actions had always shown that I wished her no ill will, that I accepted her for all of her flaws and limitations, and that I asked only for honesty back.
My demands for honesty - a fairly low bar - eventually proved too much and the friendship cracked and failed. From the dust of that experience, no phoenix rose.
I was angry. I was bitter. I felt stupid. I felt guilty. I felt responsible.
The repercussions of that failed relationship spread out from my center like rings from a stone thrown in a pond. It affected everything, because I could not reach the conclusion in my mind that what she thought of me was beyond my control.
First, after many conversations with those who had my best interests at heart, I let go of letting her live in my mind. I knew what I had done and why. If she didn't believe me, that was her issue. But more than that, I had to finally reach the point where what she thought of me became not a reflection of me - but a reflection of her.
In other words, what she thought of me was not only not my business, but on a deeper level, also not my fault, nor was i responsible for fixing it.
That was a very hard pill to swallow, and I choked on it for months, maybe even the better part of the year. It took me until that silly little Facebook meme to put it into words, because a part of me just quit caring well before this lesson was fully understood.
So, at the end of the day, what this woman thinks of me is not my responsibility. I did my best by her at all times. I'm sure others could have done better, but I could not have. She can either believe me or not, but what she believed of me... that's all her.
This entry was written for therealljidol 02: "Living Rent Free In Your Head." If there is one, I will share the poll. Thanks.
Not my most eloquent moment, true, but definitely a real light bulb for me. Not so long ago, someone I was close to told me that I was gas lighting her, that I was causing her anxiety so severe it was crippling to her.
I felt... so many things in response, but at the end of the day one fact was crystal clear in my mind. I was not trying to make her believe anything in particular except that I only had good intentions. After a few rounds of anxiety, guilt and depression on my part - and I don't know what on her part - I stopped caring if she even believed that I had good intentions.
I wish I had known then what I know now - I wasn't responsible for the version of me living in her head. My actions had always shown that I wished her no ill will, that I accepted her for all of her flaws and limitations, and that I asked only for honesty back.
My demands for honesty - a fairly low bar - eventually proved too much and the friendship cracked and failed. From the dust of that experience, no phoenix rose.
I was angry. I was bitter. I felt stupid. I felt guilty. I felt responsible.
The repercussions of that failed relationship spread out from my center like rings from a stone thrown in a pond. It affected everything, because I could not reach the conclusion in my mind that what she thought of me was beyond my control.
First, after many conversations with those who had my best interests at heart, I let go of letting her live in my mind. I knew what I had done and why. If she didn't believe me, that was her issue. But more than that, I had to finally reach the point where what she thought of me became not a reflection of me - but a reflection of her.
In other words, what she thought of me was not only not my business, but on a deeper level, also not my fault, nor was i responsible for fixing it.
That was a very hard pill to swallow, and I choked on it for months, maybe even the better part of the year. It took me until that silly little Facebook meme to put it into words, because a part of me just quit caring well before this lesson was fully understood.
So, at the end of the day, what this woman thinks of me is not my responsibility. I did my best by her at all times. I'm sure others could have done better, but I could not have. She can either believe me or not, but what she believed of me... that's all her.
This entry was written for therealljidol 02: "Living Rent Free In Your Head." If there is one, I will share the poll. Thanks.