I have a secret I've been dying to leak

The Awakening

bestthingaround — Wed, 30 Dec 2015 19:26:15 GMT

This is the only place I can put this trash. Sup, livejournal.

The Awakening || 1,000 words || Kylo/Rey
She didn’t know anything about it, did she? About the power she had.

I could feel her presence around the entire base.

She didn’t know anything about it, did she? She didn’t know the power she had. How could the Force be wasted on such a useless girl? She almost wasn’t worth my time.

Almost.

There was something in her eyes when she looked at me. I saw it when I first took off my helmet in front of her. What was it she called me? A Monster in a Mask? She was curious about me. About who I was, how I got here. She felt loneliness; I knew loneliness. She thought Han was the father she never had. Well...same.

And she knew my fear about Grandfather. Was it so prevalent on my mind, that she could pick it right out of my head? She doesn’t even know how to use her power, to wield it, yet she could figure me out so easily. I hated that she could figure me out so easily.

There had been no one else capable of getting inside my head. I had been on my own for ten years, since I abandoned my pointless Jedi training and embraced the dark. But I was different than her. I reveled in the loneliness. Relying on others make you weak. There is only power. There is only control. Control is the only way to keep the light away, to not feel the constant conflict. The eyes of a young mother holding her daughter as I ordered the slaughter of her and her entire village. Those are things I must never think about.

But why then do I feel the urge to go visit her again? Just to see her. Perhaps to see if she’s still there. I trusted my guards, I trusted Phasma, but then there was the rogue. Traitor. FN-2189. Who had trusted him? Who had insured his loyalty? No. I had to monitor the girl myself. If she could get into my head, she could surely get into the stormtroopers.

But I wouldn’t try to get back into her head, not yet. I had already felt her longing, her desire for family. I didn’t want to ever feel that desire again. I wish she knew how pointless of a wish it was. That she was so much better off now that she was free of that burden.

I entered the room slowly. She had her eyes closed. Her eyes immediately popped open and her head jerked up. She stared at me, coolly. Maybe she had seen something else when she was in my head. Maybe she knew who I was. Not like that mattered. If only she knew who she was. Who she could be.

We stayed silent for a long moment, looking at each other. Finally, I asked, “Comfortable?”

“I’m fine,” she spat out.

“Tell me where Skywalker is.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

I chuckled. It had been a long time since I laughed. Since anyone had told me to go fuck myself. Since anyone had fucked me. I should have choked her, tortured her, but I was amused. I liked the challenge. Plus, it stalled me from reporting to Snoke. From what he ordered me to do. The thing that I still hadn’t decided on doing yet. The thing that I knew would end the light, for good. So I would play with the light, with her light, before I completely put it out.

“Jakku’s been rough on you, hasn’t it?” I asked. I walked up to her quickly. I saw her suck in her breath. I took my hand and ran it down her arm, dragging it against her skin. I liked the way her hair went on end when I was around her. The way her pupils dilated and she watched me. The complete disdain and mistrust in her eyes. Good. I didn’t want her to go soft on me, not for a second.

“What do you know about me?” Her words were short and clipped, her mouth barely opening.

“I can know anything I want,” I breathed, leaning into her ear, like I would suck the information out of her skull. It was all right there, everything I needed to know, but I couldn’t risk it just yet. Her hatred was a powerful barrier, and I feared I wasn’t strong enough. Again. I quickly quieted that fear. I didn’t want her to feel it again. To use it against me. She was so close, so very close. She smelled like sand and sweat and cotton.

“Why are you here?”

“You fascinate me.” Our eyes met. “Do you know anything about what you possess?”

“I know I’m nothing like you.”

“I know you don’t know how to control it.” I was getting annoyed with her now, with her inability to even have a conversation with me about it. She could be a powerful ally, if she even knew –

“Like you exude control?” The words dripped with heavy sarcasm, and I was getting angry. This was pointless. She would never yield. I would never completely destroy the Jedi, the light. The light would never leave, as long as the Force existed…

I yanked out my saber, letting the red crackling light come right up to her face. Her eyes widened and I knew she was struggling to seem unfazed.

“I haven’t killed you yet, have I?” I muttered. “I could lower this right now, end this.”

She didn’t say anything back. She was probably wondering if I would do it.

I released the saber and stepped back. We stared at each other for another long, quiet moment.

“You will tell me where Skywalker is, Scavenger.” Her eyes narrowed when I called her that. “See you soon,” I added, almost softly, almost endearing, almost teasing. I left the room before I could look at her again.

I wondered what to do next with her, how exactly I would get the map out of her, but for the moment, that could wait. I had bigger things to worry about. Planets to destroy. Parents to destroy.

bestthingaround — Thu, 26 Sep 2013 23:46:22 GMT

Being an adult means having to sell your P!ATD/FOB ticket for this Sunday's show because you can't pay rent this month, and then trying to not feel feelings when seeing the photos and thinking about the greatness of this tour and the sad reality that you're not 21 anymore and you just can't drop everything to go to them like you used to.

(but damn it would've been nice.)

bestthingaround — Sun, 15 Sep 2013 18:38:23 GMT

it is incredible how rapidly life can change.

six months ago, wishing for all the things that are now seemingly coming into focus, but now being terrified and not sure in my own capabilities and strength and independence. Somehow longing again for the stability of before, the comfort of a steady income. Trying to be proud of myself for leaving, for getting out of two terrible jobs and realizing that writing is the ONLY thing I want to do ever, and trying to get back into the literary community and supporting myself with freelance work and not procrastinating and not spending money outside of my means and being kinder to the people in my life, the lovely people that support me and oddly care about me through all the crying, stress, unhealthy habits I've fed upon in the last six weeks.

Here's to finding myself, finding balance, and knowing it will all work out. Bohemian writer living downtown doing whatever she can to pay the bills, isn't that the dream?

post boston, post AWP, post everything.

bestthingaround — Sat, 16 Mar 2013 20:03:56 GMT

+ the trip was great. the boy. THE boy.
+ I remembered hey, I have strong feelings for him.
+ I also have self-control. Even if it was hard and misconstruing.
- But the other one ignored me. I feel like I damaged something and now need to fix it.
- had a breakdown during last call at the bar when the house lights are going up and displaying your blotchy tear-stained face and your best friend is gripping your hands and telling you how amazing you are, fuck everything
- I didn't do enough literary stuff.
- too much alcohol.
- too much waiting around to make plans. too much commuting.
- and I lost my id and debit card.
- and the fucking blizarding snowstorm.
+ But, the first night in Harvard Square. And poker. And dancing.
+ holding hands in the snow. cuddling.
+ he still cares about me, incredibly enough.
+ and that made it all worth it.

Things I need to figure out now:
- do you go back to school and try to do all the things you didn't do this time around and realize you are doomed for a life of academia and teaching writing, while although isn't your end goal, is pretty much what all writers do and is a hell of a lot better than what you're doing now.
- how and why I am still hung up over these boys, and how to either: let them go or let it move towards something. Or conversely: how to feel something new for someone else.
- how to quit your job or at least put up with it till summer and not feel burnt out all the time and how to do little things every day that make you feel accomplished and working towards your goals.
- How to not feel burdened by life, how to feel love and joy like you did on the trip and know that you can find a life that's satisfying, you're capable of it, you're so independent and free and life=opportunity, and it's not merely about getting through it. take advantage!

bestthingaround — Sat, 02 Mar 2013 13:18:04 GMT

I passed my driving test with a perfect score, no points off! The instructor was a sweet man who said I was great. Yes. Weight lifted off my shoulders, finally.

I leave for Boston in four days! Writing conference with some of my favorite people. Can't wait to see old friends and writing friends and have a good drunk time in a new city.

I'm also on a 10 day break from work! Cleaned out my store for 3 hours yesterday, but it felt nice. No more 6am bike riding for me for a few days.

All I want to do now is plan my trip (perhaps do some shopping first), play video games, download new music and read books. and drink, yes cannot forget drink.

bestthingaround — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 02:35:41 GMT

YOU GUYS WHEN THEY SANG THRILLER LIVE YESTERDAY THEY SANG "ITS ME AND MY PLUS TWO IN THE AFTERLIFE" AND PETE HELD UP TWO FINGERS GRINNING AND I CAN'T TAKE THIS.

and lj is the only place I can squeal/fangirl about this. good god I am in nostalgia city right now

bestthingaround — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 01:26:38 GMT

I am so stupid happy about this.

bleh bleh bleh

bestthingaround — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 03:38:29 GMT

- feelings. all the feelings.
- I want it to be last year, in the program, with a community
- and not have to give so much to the job.
- ughhhh just you. I like everything about you, you're so great, and asdfghjmn where is this coming from.
- ugh I hate I got so drunk and acted ridiculous.
+ but man, it was a good night. youuuuuu
+ and you look at me in these ways and I think you feel things but I want more than these little bits.
+ losing weight, though.
+ and closer to driving.
+ and doing good at work. Not so taxing.
+ and wii! yay!
- but john, I miss him so.
- and rod. and the old group. again, not being included.
- and that I could probably lift right out of here so easily and no one would blink.
+ but that's a good thing, right? That I could be somewhere else soon, something new?
+ and that the boy texted me and is encouraging me and I get to see him soon? travel soon?
+ and that generally I feel better about everything and don't feel so lonely and know that I'm fun and people care
+ just, work hard. enjoy him. enjoy when you can be with them. go do things, it might be harder, but you can do it.
- just: feeeeeelings.

~Rezolushuns~

bestthingaround — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 03:56:20 GMT

write like a motherfucker
work hard every day. gogogo
consistent weight loss
don't be afraid to go out places/do things alone
read more books
be in a different place/job than now
give yourself something to show for your work.
don't let a year slip by unnoticed. grow rapidly and always.

bestthingaround — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 03:22:50 GMT

I want.

I want this:
- for him to like me again
- for guy friends to stay guy friends
- good employees
- work to be less consuming
- to write and read more
- weekend plans
- rod hangs
- alex hangs
- to stop getting jealous over everything
- to share my life with another person
- to feel okay where I am

bestthingaround — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 21:46:45 GMT

‎"In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it."

chin up. think of the positives:
-rod's friendship
-respect from employees
-he still texts me?
-pretty confident in job
-reliable nick
-amanda is always there
-can walk to the store!
-that one boy still wants to see me
-john's midnight calls
-alex and the subway crew

you are a badass, strong and independent woman. you can handle anything. don't let it get to you. don't waste your time on it. move forward.

bestthingaround — Sun, 08 Jul 2012 15:46:08 GMT

bah, summer is going so quickly. Do not want fall to start - fall means waking up at 5:30 and a crazy schedule, and I just want to enjoy my sleep and late nights for now.

and the boy. oh, the boy that is just my "friend" but shouldn't just be that, but it is all really confusing. I don't think he wants a relationship. But he likes seeing me/spending time with me, and we have great time together, but it is so casual it hurts. He is leaving next weekend on a road trip and quitting his job and he's going through a lot, so now is not the time to talk about things. Talking will come later.

But yeah, June was a great month! Had my birthday and a lot of fun hang outs with my friend. Spent a lot of it with Rod, just playing zelda or getting food or drinking, ha. Now he's gone the rest of summer and I'll really miss him. And the boy will be gone soon too, I'll be lonesome. But I've dubbed july "fitness month" cause I've put on a gross 10 pounds this year that I need to get off, plus some. Doing pretty good so far.

and then my lease breaks at the end of the month, so I'll be bumming with friends/going on trips (I have a week off in august, weeeee!!!) until I can move into my new loft apt august 19th. So, still lots of summer left to appreciate! i have corporate managerial training all next week though, and I got my itinerary and it blows. Do not want to put any more effort into this job than I have to. Off to enjoy my day off before the hell of a week begins.

so many feelings!!

bestthingaround — Sun, 20 May 2012 20:41:08 GMT

in pro/con style:

- you are gone. I am sad.
- and when I'm sad I do dumb things. Dumb drunk things that I only do to forget about you for awhile.
- I wish I knew if she is mad at me for this.
+ but hey, it's summer, and I got to hang out with my sister all day yesterday at typhoon lagoon and it made me really happy
+ and that goofy boy coming home from vacation and coming to see me was nice
- even if he is a cocky ass and thinks I want him all the time
+ I mean, I had fun friday night, I needed the distraction
- but he is my neutral-zone friend, and I think he knows that. I think he knows what it was.
- And I need to tell her what it was, if she ever responds to my messages.
- I just hate feeling uneasy about everything, it is so mentally distracting
- and I don't want to look for studio apts in the fall, but I feel like I have to and I hate that, I don't want to burn any bridges
- I just want to tell everyone the truth about everything and how I feel and get it all out. I feel like I've been misjudged lately
+ but hey it's sunny out and I'm at the good part of catching fire so I'm gonna go read and forget about life, cool?

the men in my life, pt 2

bestthingaround — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 00:41:44 GMT

why is everything always weird

First, you. I just want to scream at you: "what do you want from me?" what even is this? Are we friends, do you like me, do you even find me attractive? why do you incessantly talk/flirt with other women in front of me but then seem different when we're alone? Why do you always put me down? It's not just a game to me. I don't like it. Stop. I'm not a sure thing. Nothing's happened since january. I need to stop getting my hopes up and thinking we will ever be a thing or together again. you are nothing but a disappointment to me, and I swear if I see you hit on my friends one more time. No I'm not going to be overly affectionate with you because it's what you want, you want assurance that I'm the sure thing, the one that is soooo in love with you. Why cant you be cool and casual, why are you just such a boy?

And then you: you ask why we never see each other, but you don't talk to me in three months. Do you really like me, or do you just want to sleep with me? Is this all real, that you've always liked me? This only seems to come out when you're drunk, curious. As soon as you're sober, we don't talk. So how can I believe it's genuine? How should I reply to you? You say you're hurt cause I turned you down. What if I did go home with you? What would happen the next day? What is this, really?

And then. Then there's you. The one who is leaving in five weeks. For good. Out of my life. I'm sorry I'm bad at being your friend, I'm sorry I invited you to that party and that it got weird and it seemed like I chose someone else over you. I wish I could talk to you for real, to hear how it really is between us. More texts, more pictures. I want to know. And I want you to know how I really feel, really. I don't think you get it. It's more, more than you know. I'm happy around you, I'm bummed when you leave early. I'm bummed when I don't try harder, when I drink too much around you, when you get the wrong impression of me. I want to be the best version of myself around you, I want to talk with you always and joke and have a real adult relationship. It would be so good for me. But it will never, ever happen, and there's that weird part of me that was holding on for summer, thinking it could be something, and I can't get over that it won't now. You're really leaving. And I need to tell you how much I really care about you before you go.

spring jams

bestthingaround — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 23:55:20 GMT

download and go outside and soak in the sun and feel good.

The Only Place - Best Coast

Eyes Wide Open - Gotye

Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men

Disparate Youth - Santigold

Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson

Gold On The Ceiling - The Black Keys

Crush - Sleigh Bells

Genesis - Grimes

That Old Black Hole - Dr. Dog

Itchin' On A Photograph - Grouplove

You're Mine - Devin

Slip Time - Young Magic

so, things!

bestthingaround — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 00:52:54 GMT

oh hey, life! why u so busy? Since I've been back from spring break I've started as manager of my own store, which means 6am to 4pm monday - friday, 50 hours a week. ick. the long days aren't so bad, it's the 5:15 wakeup that is killing me, and the 20 mins of biking everyday (I have to be there before the shuttle runs, meh).

It has been...okay. taxing, hard, brutal, constant criticism from bryan (the twentysomething arrogant son of the owners who is next in line to inherit the million-dollar franchise chain and just doesn't understand that I don't get everything yet). Definitely need to be thick-skinned, and remind myself that I know this job! I can do this! It gets easier everyday but whoo, I am constantly in a half-awake state and making foolish, clumsy mistakes always and I just want it to be summer.

But, but - I did defend my thesis! Whoo! Officially done with my MFA. I now have my first short story collection. I've definitely been out celebrating that and drinking with friends and enjoying it, but starting this new job at the same time has been a lot. It's nice to just focus on one thing, since the past four months have been so much thesis work every single day. Weird to not have the document open on my computer anymore.

Also, I've had Hunger Games things to distract me. I cannot believe it's out, after all of this waiting. I've seen it twice and I just want to see it again. Today is the first day I've been on lj in awhile and oh, sweet sweet fandom. It has consumed my friends page. I just want to look at the pretty graphics and read the shiny fics. 25 years old and has a masters degree and is the general manager of a subway? Whatever, I'm still a flailing, fifteen year old fangirl.

bestthingaround — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 16:32:53 GMT

hey so uh yeah, I totally did this while in chicago, cause I am still that person:

worth it.

Chicago was fun, sort of crazy and miserable at times because I got really sick for two days, but other than that it was pretty great. We flew in Wednesday morning (stayed with Amanda the night before and her brother and his bf and our friend Jaro and it was a good time drinking and eating tacos and playing video games). Went to the Art Institute after we landed, then Amanda and I napped cause we were dead, then out to a reading, then chilled at the hotel that night. Up at 8am Thursday for AWP panels (and a great breakfast), the bookfair, etc. Miller's Pub for dinner, then the Roosevelt Theatre for Margaret Atwood, then the AWP dance party! It was sort of crazy: 200 white people drinking free alcohol and dancing terribly to 90s hip hop. It was silly but fun. Friday, morning panel then lunch and sightseeing, then a fantastic flash fiction reading, two more panels, then home to get ready for adventures! That's when we went to Angels and Kings, and then somehow ended up at a sex shop, then to a sports pub for more beers (which I almost fell asleep on).

Saturday was ick. Late start, then three panels that I felt incredibly sick in, and immediately following the last, I went and threw up in the bathroom :( then back to the hotel to throw up three more times, it was miserable. Sunday I blearily made it to Navy Pier and the Magnificent Mile for shopping, with a light meal and lots of asprin. Still threw up that night, blech. Felt better on monday, so we did the sears tower and then got deep dish pizza for lunch before hitting up the subway to the airport to get home. I still feel a bit nauseous and weak, but ugh glad to be home. It was fun, but the weather was killing me (did see snow though!), constantly in and out from the cold, and then the stomach virus. Amanda and I were almost hugging the curb when we got to orlando-sweet sweet humidity.

bestthingaround — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 01:55:17 GMT

Hi so I still can only write shitty little passive things about boys and whatnot, but I like this boy I think, guh, ok bye.

He picks me up in a shitty tan corolla and I don’t have to guess which car is his; it’s the one with really loud punk music blaring and an unshaven twenty-something in plaid hanging out of the window.

The first thing he does is apologize for the state of the car, the standard thing to do when anyone climbs into your passenger seat. I say, “ah no, it’s fine, don’t worry about it,” and I really don’t mind even though its littered with receipts, empty plastic cups, a newspaper, and so on.

We drive towards our pre-arranged Sunday brunch date, and he turns up the music and sings along. There’s a brace on his right hand, cuts on his arm. “Brownie points if you can tell me what band this is,” he says, grinning. I don’t want to insult his taste in music so I tell him I think I know but don’t want to say cause I’m not sure, but it does sound familiar. He tells me it’s Minor Threat and I act like I knew that and he goes off explaining how their demos are their best stuff, how it’s all done in one take. He tells me later that his first love is guitar and that he wants to play in a shitty punk band but it’s not what he wants to “do” cause the idea of making money off punk music makes him sick. “Besides, girls don’t really like dudes in shitty punk bands,” he adds and I say, “most girls suck, anyway.”

We are both impressed by the brunch buffet layout and the free mimosas. He’s vegetarian and gets two omelets and grits and potatoes, while I can only stomach some fruit and a biscuit. I shouldn’t be drinking a mimosa after all of the beer from last night, waiting for him to show up at the bar, drinking and drinking to make myself think he was still coming, that we weren’t playing this weird game of revenge. The brunch was my consolation prize to him.

The plates are cleared and the waitress brings cups of water because we’re still talking, talking about writing, movies, our disinterest in sports, so on. We make jokes and genuinely laugh. We run across four-lane traffic because we forgot we parked on the other side. He tells me he likes running around this part of town, that he feels like a college student again. He tells me I should go into the place where we put our name on the list over an hour ago and demand to be seated. He likes to cause trouble, and I think I like that about him.

He tells me about his dad, about how his parents don’t want him to move to North Carolina. I ask too why he’s moving, and he says, “to become a mountain man,” and I’m swooning. He tells me too that the brace and the scrapes are from a violent ex-girlfriend. I feel sad for him, and I want to hug him and tell him it’s okay. I feel sad too when he tells me his father can’t even make a 3pm curtain call to his play. He imitates him in a perfect Greek accent and I think of the bond boys have with fathers, about how his father forced him into football at seven when he wanted to act instead. The complicated relationship between George and his father shouldn’t be a turn-on, but it is.

When he drops me off he calls me Rachel Ray and doesn’t even stop the car to come in but I like that, I really like that because we already took it too fast and now we’re slowing it back down. And when I go inside and fall on the bed and grin and think about seeing him again, I know that it means I like the boy that blared Minor Threat and ran across traffic with me and wants to play shitty guitar and read plays.

oh hey life, y u so awkward?

bestthingaround — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 18:17:34 GMT

So, interesting start to the year already. The really great news is that I had that meeting with the owners of my subway store and they want me to be a store manager, so that's happening like...Tuesday. Like Damn. 50 hours of work a week. Trying to get myself ready for it, hoping I can handle it and finish my thesis. I had a meeting with my thesis director and she's really proud of my growth as a writer and impressed and shit; edits are going well, I just need to be a bit more focused cause the whole thing is do in about...oh, a month? oh man.

Except I've had a million distractions; boyyyzzz be crazzyyyy. My friend Conner that I've liked for awhile just got out of a relationship, so I invited him out the other night. But, that's never really going to work out for reals. Just friends with benefits. Then, this other guy I've known forever, a guy that dated my roommate, told me he's liked me for awhile? Asked me out and all, kissed me at a party, etc. I tried considering about it, but I don't think it would work out. He's a friend, it's hard to think of him as anything else, and I can't do that to the ex-roommate, either.

And then the guy I met at my friend's wedding? Texted me for awhile, then nothing for weeks, and now is calling/texting a lot in the past few days. He is starring in a show and really wants me to come tonight, but no one will go with me :( Ugh, we'll see, I need to be really cautious around him, I think he's a bit shady, I just need to figure out what exactly I feel for him. And then there's my really good guy friend, that's in a serious relationship, that said some pretty interesting things to me last night, like he'd date me if I was single, and idk, I know I would go out with him if I could; it's a really slippery slope with that one.

So yeah, way too many distractions. I want to turn all of this off today and work on writing and reading and cleaning, and then maybe seeing this guy's show tonight? Sigh, don't know. I feel like everything is in this weird middle stage right now, so many things are happening or about to happen. I just need to approach everything with a rational, calm mind.

Oh, and there's new sleigh bells songs, so there's that.

bestthingaround — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 04:41:57 GMT

so, I'm pretty sure I spent almost all of november sick. all that partying got to me. fever/cough/sneezing/etc. I tried working through it, then going to a writing conference, then still coming back sick. I didn't stop, I didn't give myself time to recover so it dragged on, finally lingering after thanksgiving break, ugh.

other than that, things have been ok. Need to buckle down and really focus on edits; I defend my thesis in 13 weeks and I have that many stories to revise, so I HAVE to work at a story per week pace, at least. Whew. And, it's weird to say, but I think I've outgrown a lot of my 19-21 yr old friends. I'm 25, for crying out loud, I need more ppl in my age bracket. Too much immaturity that I'm just over. Been there. I can feel myself retreating, even though I live/work with all of them. Need to find the balance, I guess.

This is the last week of work/school and then I'm back home, yes. Next weekend will be busy - I'll be home for one day to go to my sister's graduation, then back for a work party, then a wedding, then dog sitting. Shall be fun, though. The wedding will be the hardest part, for reasons I don't even think I can explain. Will be a lot of emotions that day. Deep breaths.

this friday night, do it all again

bestthingaround — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 02:30:05 GMT

You guys, the past few weekends, ugh. This thesis/my workweek is making me crazy and I have been paarrttyyyinggg. Last friday - halloween party, wasted until 4am. Saturday, ended up at a random party and decided it was lame, so left and went to a party I heard about on fb - 30 mins away and on 3 acres of farmland. Got there too late and everyone was too drunk and the booze was gone, so we go back to the first party. Some of the dudes I was with though it was "cool" to take all of their beer and leave with it and then some chicken nuggets. so another 4am night giggling and eating/drinking stolen goods.

Sunday we had a dinner for Amanda and had all the MFAers over and it was wonderful; then I had to go bake bread at work in an overnight shift. 9pm-4am, ughhh. Woke up at 3pm on Halloween, then got talked into a party that night. It got busted, so we found a random party in our complex and drank all the beer and dominated pong. Pretty epic. Bed at 5:30am. Work at 10am. Ugh. And then I've just been catching up all week - meeting with my advisor, trying to work on my thesis, working long shifts. Last night was a birthday party for my friend Rod and we had wayy to much vodka and it was general drunken times. Like, everyone was belligerently gone.

So yeah, need to cool down a bit. I have no voice and people think I'm sick, but it's from partying. Goodness. Today I went shopping and then watched TV for a few glorious hours. But we're probably going out downtown tonight ughhh. Going strong. My friends I swear

stomp your feet and clap your hands

bestthingaround — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 00:19:12 GMT

panic was last night!! Needless to say, it was epic. I was giggling hardcore like a fangirl. Brendon was adorable and cute and animated and sort of dirty and I liked it. Sounded FLAWLESS live; I was super impressed. Ian is friggin adorable and reminds me of pete onstage, for some reason.

Only had my iphone so pics aren't fab, but

We got there an hour and a half before the show started so we were able to get really close, but mostly off to the left. It was our UCF homecoming show so Lupe Fiasco was playing too, and most of the crowd was for him, and annoying. And just stood there through panic's set. Ugh. I was dancing away.

A few videos:
lying is the most fun (which brendon said was a song appropriate for us college kids)
brendon rapping to some dr. dre song (sounding flawless and sexy)
a little bit of "personal jesus" (really just a lot of brendon screaming)
let's kill tonight
nearly witches

and then I partied with my guy friends and played lots of pong and was generally silly. Yay!

le sigh.

bestthingaround — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 03:13:03 GMT

in attempts of a real life journal entry, and in procrastination of any real fiction writing for my thesis, I wrote a creative nonfiction piece about the drama and men that are in my life right now. It's a soap opera up in here and I am forever alone and single and I did what I only could: write passively aggressively about it. (Oh also: I sort of sound like a slut in this. I promise I am not. This is a weird time in my life right now, this is strange behavior.)

It starts with the one that you would have never suspected. You were having a good time on your own, abusing the one dollar drink special and trying your best to minimalize the awkward sunburn from the pool that afternoon. You were out with a big group of friends and being daring and when he grabbed your hand and made you dance, you went with it. When he kissed you, you went with it and when you had to share the pullout couch at your friend’s house you went with it and when he pulled up your dress and pulled down your underwear oh yes, you went with it. He is the one that made you feel like you were fun, that you could just hook up on a couch bed and be okay with it. That you were a woman in control of her sexuality and you were letting it hum and vibrate, like a radio channel that didn’t quite come in.

You meet the young one two weeks later, the one that plays Mario Kart with you and likes all the same TV sitcoms as you. When you tell the story, you tell people he “quite literally charmed the pants off you.” And he is the one that you found out weeks later had a girlfriend. Despite this girlfriend, you still hang out with him but this time you wrestle on your hardwood floor until four am and touch him too many times on his thigh and fall asleep on the couch with his head on your shoulder. And he hugs you when he leaves and says you should hang out more and then he goes back home to her. So you try not to call him anymore and you try not to give in when he says come watch this crazy cool youtube video or come play beer pong, but he has a pull over you, a pull you are pretty sure has to do with the fact that you let him sleep with you the first day you met him. And something inside you retreats, feels no longer empowered but sordid and ashamed.

During this time you are drawing closer and closer to the coworker, the one that is like a little brother, the one that you are spending increasing amounts of time with and you wonder, you wonder. You always realize after the weekend passed that he is the person you spent the entire time with, either drinking or watching TV or simply talking to until one am about everything because it is easy with him. He has become one of your best friends before you even knew it was happening. When he asks you if he should end his long-distance relationship you always say yes, because it apparent to everyone but him that it’s not working out. You hope by saying this he doesn’t think you are into him. Because you’re not. At least, you don’t think so. At least, you hope so. But you imagine he would be caring and kind and none of your friends would get it, but you two would be happy, you know that.

Then there’s the ex-roommate’s ex-boyfriend, and he is the boy that you call bro and tell your drunken stories too. The boy that climbed in your bed at your party and pulled you down on top of him but you nudged him and said hey, lets go join the group. It’s the time you are glad you didn’t just let it happen, it is the time you learned that sexuality is about restraint too, a give and take. It is the time he apologized via text the next day, and it is the only time someone has ever apologized for trying to hit on you. You have many things you want to think and feel about this, but you choose to laugh and tell your friends over dinner. They laugh, too.

(You are not sure if at this point you should mention the guy that you want to really like but he is the boyfriend of your close friend because of course he is, because damn if there is a guy in your life that is single, and because damn if he isn’t one of the best people you’ve ever met. You try to make sure he is only a passing thought, a parenthesis.)

And then there’s him. The one you think about constantly except you know you are not allowed to think about him. The one that you can barely look at because he still stirs something up in you and being around him is not easy. But he is sweet and kind and loving and hilarious and brilliant and you want to be the best version of yourself when you are with him. You cannot believe he likes you. You cannot believe you like him. You cannot believe he is getting married in two months. You cannot believe you feel this way about someone, the frustration of a constant dull ache, and every time someone mentions his name you just sigh and try to not look like you are immediately affected. You want to talk about him with everyone, dissect and analyze every word he says to you. He is the one you proofread text messages to, the one you are careful with your words around. You thought he would be the one you’d be most guarded around during all those summer nights with all that beer and all that TV and all those times that you just didn’t catch on.

Until you did catch on, until he stayed with you until 6am, until his fiancé texted him over and over, until you woke up in your bed alone. It hits you that you are alone in a world with brief instances of something you think could be romance, could be passion, could be love. But you and men are ultimately passersby on a sidewalk, brushing shoulders and limbs briefly until you turn the corner, and then there’s someone else.

this overrules all right now

bestthingaround — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 04:17:35 GMT

PANIC. FOR FREE. COMING TO MY SCHOOOOOL. I'm so excited for this; I'm so lucky I can see them here and my friends are coming and ugh, just yes. I need this so bad.

There are some interesting, unfortunate, even hurtful things happening in my life right now, but this outweighs all of the drama. Cannot wait.

bestthingaround — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 19:25:37 GMT

I made it through the first week! phew. Long, long days at work. But --- I got promoted! I'm now an assistant manager, I'm ecstatic. My boss approached me after the first day of school (where I kicked ass on the line) and asked if I wanted to be a "black shirt" (our distinction between "green shirts.") I was so blown away I could only say, "very much so," and that I work really hard and I think I've earned it. But the hardest part is that he says I can't tell anyone until my shirt comes in, he had to order it. Sucks cause another girl got a black shirt and ugh, no one thinks I am yet and it's hard to keep this a secret. Can't wait to wear it and get some shit done in that store.

And the owner's son, whose next in line to take over the franchise, has been working our store this week and he requested I work next to him. He's been talking and joking with me when everyone else is scared of him, I love it. I was greeting the other day and he was next to me and after the rush he said, "I kinda like you greeting. You make it look easy." :D :D :D I just CANNOT wait until I can tell ppl about this promotion.

Not much else this week - saw a movie with the MFAers on Monday, had a get-together last night. Good times, beer and nintendo. The dude that I liked from the summer came, and brought his new gf :( But, he pretty much ignored her the whole night and hung with me. Don't know why he brought her anyway.

I'm pretty sure my work schedule is gonna stay M-Th 10-6 and then 3 days off. Fine by me! Only have thesis hours this semester, and private wkshp on thursdays. I need to be self-motivated and get a lot of work on my thesis done. I wrote out a schedule to read a book a week and I am sticking to it. And I want to write more on my wordpress and submit more fiction to lit journals. Now is the time!