It’s a HOT day down in the Question Qave and we’re here to kick off the second week of APRIL with you.

HELLO E V E R Y B O D Y!!!

We got way more serious questions this time which is cool. I think LAST WEEK everyone was trying to troll us because it was April Fools’ day and this time they are back to good behaviour. HA HA GOOD ONE EVERYONE!

Heeoow about some KWESCHINS?

Q: I want to bang my straight friend

Wow what a great question(?) anonymous reader!

I get it! Some people in your life are really attractive! They might have a mind you want to smooch or a body you want to touch. Som

Sinbeau says: You know what? I should just take this one. Your even-keeled, imbecilic approach to this is a waste of everyone’s time. Look, straight people get really weird about people of the same gender being attracted to them sometimes. It SHOULD be flattering, but society has taught them to get upset about it. THERE IS A TRICK THOUGH. It takes some delicate maneuvering.

Threeway.

All you gotta do is suggest it and get involved in the party. Once the clothes come off, the inhibitions lower and…ya never know. Maybe your straight friend didn’t know themselves that well after all and

OKKAAAYYy, you’re done. This might be the worst bit of advice you’ve ever given. NO. GET AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD.

My friend who wrote this: sometimes you will be attracted to someone who just doesn’t want to reciprocate. It feels bad even though you didn’t do anything wrong. That’s just cuz you want to be chosen and when you aren’t chosen you think something is wrong with you. And when—

Sinbeau says: OH MY GOD SHUT UP THEY ARE JUST HORNY AND WANT TO BANG. I think the desire you might feel for your straight friend is not really about them but the idea of breaking rules. The neurons in your brain that control fear are very close to the ones that control arousal and they overlap. It’s why there’s a million taboo things to look up on your favorite pornsite! Maybe you should just write a fanfic about your friend or roleplay with someone to satisfy your taste for danger?

I…don’t hate this idea, but…I also think you should really work on accepting “rejection by circumstance” too! It’s healthier than playing with the emotional equivalent of fire!

Sinbeau says: Do shut up. Neither of us is a trained therapist so they shouldn’t listen to you, but they should listen to me because HEDONISM RULES. Let us know how it goes!

Q: I’m in need of a comfort-watch (either a series or movie is fine) - what do you recommend?

OH WOW WHAT A GREAT QUESTION ANONYMOUS READER!

So there are a lot of things I like to comfort watch! When I want comfort I want something LOW STAKES. One of the most low stakes shows ever is THE GILMORE GIRLS. It’s full of walkable towns, zany personalities, beautiful people, and Paris Gellar. It’s sure to warm your heart!

I also really like Community! The cast is quite fun, and though there are a few mean-spirited bits here and there but the writing and references are good for a laugh; there’s not a big overarching narrative either so you can pretty much drop in whenever.

Ted Lasso and Shrinking are good for heartwarming shows that aren’t afraid to use crass humour! They might use crude jokes but the underlying message is about loving and accepting yourself, which is a good way to boost your spirits. The Good Place does something similar but I DO think the ending of the show dragged a bit. If you’ve seen all these, maybe try Brooklyn Nine-Nine!

Sinbeau says: You are recommending a lot of shows. You know what this person needs? A FREAKIN MUSICAL. You should check out On the Town with Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra. Try not to fall in love with Ann Miller’s extremely beautiful face. If that’s too OLD for you, do the Greatest Show Man with your boy, Wolverine. And if you don’t like any of that, well…Princess Bride. That movie is undefeated.

You…like musicals? Who even are you? Anyway, I thought Anchors Aweigh was better. Don’t forget to air fry some chicken tenders, regardless of what you choose.

Editor: You guys missed a serious opportunity to shout out Media Monday where I post about a show or-

Sinbeau says: WHO ASKED YOU? YOU’RE JUST SUPPOSED TO BOLD OR ITALICIZE THE TEXT. NEXT QUESTION

LONG SERIOUS QUESTION

Hey, Himbeau. Lately it’s really been weighing on me that I don’t seem to have a friend group. My whole life I’ve always had friends, I still do, they’re wonderful, but they always come and go, no one seems to stay long term. I’m thankful for the times I’ve had with them but I can’t help but yearn for a friendship that withstands time, where someone thinks of me, too. How do I manage that feeling?

WOW what a great question anonymous reader!

It sounds like YOU are probably the friend that your pals think of as someone who “withstands time” and isn’t that special! WOW.

There are two unfortunate truths about humans: they are selfish and you can’t make them do anything they don’t really want to do. I’m going to guess that you probably feel like you invest more in your friendships than you feel like your friends do. You feel like you’re the one giving, the one doing the planning, the one making the first call. You probably even think “if I stopped reaching out, we wouldn’t even be friends.”

It’s a tempting thought to explain away the real discomfort you’re feeling: why isn’t anyone choosing me? You’re craving a validation from outside of you because it feels good. But you also don’t need it. Do you know that? That you’re awesome? And that you don’t need anyone to reinforce that for you? NOT EVEN ME. I’m just reporting the weather. If you rely on the behavior of other people to make you feel awesome, you’re just going to get mad and disappointed. It’s GOT to come from within you first.

When it DOES, you set the tone, baby! If you carry yourself with love and confidence, the people around you will notice and follow your lead. Maybe you do have to set up all the dinner parties. It doesn’t suck that you’re the one putting all the energy in the world; it RULES because you have a light that you’re sharing instead. BUT ALSO: don’t ever give more than you’re capable of giving. It’s okay to say “I don’t have the energy for this” sometimes. If you feel like your friends are constantly taking advantage of your energy, then maybe let em go. Solitude doesn’t have to be lonesome, because you get to spend time with Numero Uno (that’s you, darling!!)

It’s also entirely possible you aren’t spending time with the groups of folks who are best suited to your energy. I know it can be uncomfortable to put yourself out there, but literally every time I have joined a new club, started classes at a gym, or even just replied to that kinda funny person online, I’ve made a new friend. Sometimes it turns into comfortable relationship that stands the test of time. Maybe do something new this month. Don’t go with the express goal of making a friend. Do it to put yourself in a new situation so you can love yourself in a new way. The friend thing follows.

One final thought for you. The Japanese have a concept called mono no aware which is hard to translate to English. Sometimes people go with “the pathos of things” or “empathy towards things” but that’s not quite right. It’s more about celebrating impermanence; that life is fleeting and all things must come to an end. It’s bittersweet. Melancholic. But also so, so beautiful. As my man Vision says in Age of Ultron “A thing is not beautiful because it lasts.” The length of your friendships is not nearly so important as the quality of them. Closeness becoming distance is a normal part of life.

…and the opposite is true. You’re doing SO great, bestie.

Q: How can I post a gif as a note? I wanna up my notes game

OH YEAH WHAT a GREAT question ANONYMOUS reader!

So substack is KIND OF LAME about GIFs. Unlike normal web apps, when you copy a gif and paste it, it pastes only the first frame of the image, which is SUPER DE DUPER wack.

But. There is. A WAY. Around THIS.

Download the gif to your computer. Then, when you want to post the note, click the little picture icon in the lower left corner. Click the gif you want to reply with. BAM. FUNNY MOVING MEME REPLY. Sit back as the likes roll in.

Sinbeau says: Remember when the guy who plays Hank on Breaking Bad posted “sex gifs” on Twitter?

Yeah…?

Sinbeau says: What if this is Hank from Breaking Bad asking us a question???

OMG! HANK WE LOVE YOU! (picture the meme of Walter in the car yelling) HANK WE LOVE YOUUUUU!!

Q: How long do you think you’ll let this column continue? Once every question and every tender has been eaten.

WOW what a great question, anonymous reader!

We talk about this a lot because the editor is like “Oh my god I hate doing Himbeau Helps. You guys are so embarrassing and it also means I have to spend an hour advertising it and transcribing all these answers.”

Sinbeau says: Jeez what a baby.

I KNOW?! People love writing us questions. And we love doing it. He pretends to hate it because he has a very big ego and is afraid that his work is diminished by us helping other people. Way to be insecure big guy! But also, because he has a big ego, he’s pretty excited about this column every week because he gets tons of likes and comments and people telling him he’s funny. TYPICAL MAN.

Okay he’s giving me a mean look and saying something about deleting the Popeye’s app from our phones. So I’ll give a serious answer: we’ll keep doing this as long as people keep askin’ us stuff. Once the demand isn’t there, we’ll stop.

Sinbeau says: Hah, looks like we’re capitalists after all!

Don’t bring it down man. Don’t do that.

Q: What would happen if you stopped explaining yourself to people who already decided not to understand?

WOW what a great question anonymous reader!

Sinbeau says: Well, someone’s getting dumped.

HEY. Don’t be like that.

Sinbeau says: What! It’s true. This is the kind of thing a wife in a long term relationship says because her husband, to whom she has explained for the hundredth time, the lack of intimacy she feels and is just so fed up she’s shutting down.

Okay. You’re projecting and it’s VERY weird. Go have some tenders while I take this one. SIGH FINE I’ll put huli huli sauce on the shopping list.

So! Couple things going on here. If the person has actually decided not to understand, then if you stopped explaining yourself, nothing has happened besides you’ve saved your energy. There’s a chance they’re going to get mad about this and accuse you of silence and distance. But that’s just shame talking. We tend to lash out when we feel guilty or ashamed because those are hard feelings to deal with. It’s not fair, but it’s also not your problem to solve. “Not my chair, not my problem, that’s what I say.”

There is a chance though that the person is incapable of understanding what you’re trying to say because of the way you’re trying to say it. Again, people suck at processing guilt and shame in healthy ways, so there’s a chance that what you think of as “explaining yourself” comes across to the other person like an attack. It activates their fight-or-flight response and so they treat a discussion about emotions like an argument to win instead of a growth opportunity. That really sucks, so you probably get mad, and then everything spirals into a mean yelling match where you just talk past each other, or worse, try to hurt each other’s feelings because at least you’re both feeling something together.

The answer of course in both situations is therapy. One (or possibly both) of you needs to develop strategies to communicate AND ACCEPT your needs with each other. A person with dedicated skills can help pick out what works best for your situation.

Of course, there is a lot of power in saying “Nah this sucks, I want no part of this.” It’s freedom for your soul. If someone’s aggravating you, tell ‘em to go work on it and to leave you the hell alone. Kick back, put your feet up, sip a drink with a pineapple wedge and tiny umbrella in it and let the small minds buzz away like so many flies.

WHEW this was a serious week! It was still fun though because sometimes BEING SERIOUS IS FUN.

I am so fungry right now. All this non-talk about ch-uh-ick-in FANGERS has my crave centers tingling so I’m going go grind some nosh. Ha ha who is with me!

IF YOU WANT TO ASK A QUESTION HIT THE SHINY BUTTON HERE:

HIMBEAU HELP ME

Love you byebye