Title: Marius and the Nine Princesses of the Amis, 1/5
Author:

bearit
Rating: PG13
Genre: Humor, Parody
Characters: Marius, Friends of the ABC
Word Count: 2,142
Summary: Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a revolution sparks in a kingdom ruled by Prince Marius's father. He is sent on a journey to find nine princesses to help bring peace. The journey is nothing at all what Marius expects. Also known as, "The Universe Trolls Marius and Les Amis Help"

Notes: TCRegan on Tumblr requested this prompt: "The Amis are Disney Princesses. What happens after that is up to you." This happened. I make no apologies. I had fun. Poor Marius.

Also, there will be a bit of slash. If this offends, please feel free not to read.

Disclaimer: Les Misérables belongs to Victor Hugo. I have no rights to the novel, musical, anime, or any of the movies. Also, the Disney Princess franchise and movies belong to Disney. This piece of fanwork is unofficial and not making a profit.

---

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince by the name of Marius Pontmercy lived in a lavish kingdom. All was well, until one day, the people rose in revolution.

Not knowing what to do, the king turned to his trusted advisor, who implored him to send his son off on a journey to rescue nine princesses.

"Once the young Prince Marius rescues them, then peace will reign in your kingdom once more."

And so Marius went to rescue the first princess.

He was to attend a ball and find the most beautiful girl, dance with her, and kiss her before the stroke of midnight. He found her, but before he could gather up the nerve to ask her to dance, it was midnight, and she was gone. He chased after her as best as he could, but all he found of her was one glass slipper.

With the help of the city guard, he went to the house of each guest of the ball to try on the slipper. One of the guards gave him a dubious look but just rolled with it; surely Prince Marius would be able to recognize the girl with just one look. Surely Prince Marius realized that many women could fit into that shoe, not just the first one. But he said nothing and let the prince go about his search his own way.

They went to house after house throughout the day, but no luck. Finally, they wound up at one house whose two daughters were obviously much too ugly to have been the princess Marius sought, but Marius insisted that they try the shoe on anyway.

To nobody's surprise and yet Marius's exasperation, no luck. Or all the luck.

They were about to leave when a drunken voice slurred, "Wait! I need to try it on, too!"

Marius stopped, turned, and with a bemused expression stated, "You, sir, are not a woman."

"Please do not mind him," said the mother frantically. "He's just our housekeeper. And a rather useless one at that."

"Let me try on the shoe!"

"This shoe is made of glass, and your foot will not fit."

"Let me!"

Marius shot a glance at the guard, and the guard shrugged. The mother sighed. "Oh, please, Prince Marius, let him try it on. He will not shut up until you do."

Despite the man's large foot, the shoe fit.

Marius was speechless.

The man grinned. "Ha! I knew it! That spell might have gone away at midnight, but the shoe will always fit my feet! I was wondering where the other one had gone off too. Thank you, good monsieur!"

"Er... wait. Were you... a woman... last night?"

"Well, I'm a woman every night, as soon as the sun goes down and the spell disappears at the stroke of midnight. I was told I could break the spell if I kissed my one true love, which is what I was doing at the ball, but alas, he was not there."

"He?"

"But I suppose I shall try again another night. Thank you, Prince Marius!"

Then Marius remembered what his father's advisor had said, and he gulped. Was he, perhaps, this man's one true love? He had to kiss him, and yet... he had to kiss all the princesses.
It made no sense, but he went for it.

"Wha-what are you doing?" cried the man, blinking at him in confusion.

"I... you were the most beautiful woman at the ball last night and I--"

"You thought I was beautiful?"

"And I'm on this journey to save the kingdom and I thought that maybe... I don't know..."

"A journey? May I come with you?"

"Excuse me?"

The man smiled. "I think part of the reason I have not had any luck finding my one true love is that I am stuck here, cleaning and cooking for these ungrateful women when I could be out looking for the man I love! Please, let me come with you!"

Marius glanced at the guard again, who only shrugged again. Marius sighed.

"Very well. And you are...?"

"Grantaire."

---

And so, with Grantaire, who indeed transformed into a beautiful woman in a sparkling silver gown as soon as the sun set, Marius continued on his journey. The mother and daughters were not sorry to see them go.

Marius wished he could say that the worst part of the trip was the constant smell of wine, but in truth, it was Grantaire's nonsensical ramblings that caused him the greatest headache. Every once in a while, he heard hints of this man that Grantaire called his one true love, but he understood that little better than anything else Grantaire had to say.

Finally, they arrived at a tall tower surrounded by thorn bushes and a huge dragon. This was where the second princess slumbered.

Marius bid Grantaire to stay put, and he drew his sword and charged in, screaming. The dragon, however, slept. This fact, unfortunately, Marius did not realize until he came within earshot, and the dragon awoke.

Marius's eyes widened, but he stood his ground. At least, he stood his ground until the dragon's tail sent him flying against the wall of the tower. Marius stood, shaking his head to see clearly, when he saw Grantaire come running towards him.

"Here! Let the Green Fairy help you!" And he tossed a bottle, which Marius shielded himself from with his sword.

The bottle broke and sprayed the liquid everywhere, and Marius was shocked to see that his sword now sparkled green.

The dragon charged again, and for some reason Marius thought it would be an amazing idea to throw the sword at it.

It worked.

The sword pierced the dragon's heart, and the dragon fell to the ground in a cloud of dust.

Grantaire laughed. "That was lucky! Don't you have a princess to save?"

Indeed, Marius had the second princess to save, and he rushed up the stairs, Grantaire not far behind him. Finally, when they reached the room at the top of the tower, he opened the door to find said princess lying asleep in the bed, just as his father's advisor had told him. However, the princess was bald. And a man.

"This can't be right."

Grantaire nudged Marius in the ribs. "Aren't you going to kiss him?"

"I thought I'd be kissing a her."

"Apparently not." And Grantaire took another swig from a bottle that just seemed to have magically appeared.

Marius whined and approached the bed, staring down at the man upon it with a despaired look. Were all the princesses going to be men? But princesses were supposed to be women! And this was a particularly tall man! Marius sighed. Perhaps if he kissed this princess, he would wake up, and they could continue on their way.

So he did.

And nothing happened.

So he tried again.

Still nothing.

"It's not working."

"What's not working?"

"I kissed... the princess... and she... he... isn't waking up!"

"Did you expect him to?"

"Well, yes!"

"Why?"

And Marius had no answer. He sighed. Now what?

Grantaire approached, staring down at the bald princess while drinking. "He needs to come with us, right? Why not take him with us?"

"What, like kidnapping?"

"It's not kidnapping. You need to do this, right? And you're a prince! Or maybe he'll wake up if we shake him?" The princess did not. Grantaire shrugged and then swung him over his shoulders. "This will have to do. Come on, then. To the next princess!"

Marius sighed and followed Grantaire, but at the top of the stairs, the sun set, and he turned into the beautiful princess from the ball. The weight of the tall man was too much for her, and she fell over, the bald man tumbling down the stairs.

Grantaire cringed. "Oops."

---

Luckily, the bald princess was still alive and yet still comatose, and they continued on their journey. The third princess was said to a maiden of the ocean, and a kiss was supposed to make her able to walk on land.

"So you have to kiss a fish," said Grantaire as he pulled Prince Marius's horse with the bald princess tied clumsily atop it. She... he... had taken a tumble off of it five times already today, and Marius worried that the princess would eventually perish, or suffer from severe head trauma when or if he ever awoke.

"You don't believe in mermaids?"

"I don't believe you're having much luck with women so far. Plus, you're a piss poor kisser. Maybe that's the problem! Should I try kissing this one?"

"No."

"You are right. For it may be my kiss that breaks this poor sap's spell, but I am afraid he could not break mine."

"How do you know?"

"He is not my one true love!"

Marius rolled his eyes.

After another two days of travel, they finally reached the raging shores of lore. Grantaire immediately began to ramble about Triton, and Marius left him and the bald princess behind to scout for the maiden of the ocean.

His father's advisor had been unclear on this part of the journey. Was there a call Marius was supposed to use to lure the maiden?

Before he could try a song he learned from childhood, a huge wave crashed and pulled Marius into the deep of the water. He flailed; he did not know how to swim. Before the lack of oxygen could overtake him, he felt two arms wrap around him and pull him to the surface and then to the shore.

When he opened his eyes, he saw a naked man staring down upon him. Marius shot up, nearly head butting the man in the nose.

"Where am I?" he cried, but the scenery around him was that of a beach with waves rolling upon the sand. He looked down and saw that he still wore his trousers, and he sighed in relief.

Then, next to him, he saw the tail of a rather large fish. He yelped and jumped to the side. The wider angle of view allowed him to see that the tail of the fish was attached to the man.

Marius gaped. The merfolk were real after all!

"Forgive me, monsieur," said the merman as he scratched his nose. "I hope I did not spread my illness to you. I have come down with the most awful cold, but I could not float by as a man of the land drowned to his death."

"I... thank you, I suppose," said Marius warily. How does one talk to a merman?

"You suppose? Surely you did not mean to kill yourself!"

"No! No, that is not what I meant. I, ah, really do truly appreciate you saving my life."

The merman smiled. "What were you doing so close to these shores anyway?"

"I was, uh, looking for a maiden of the ocean, if you perhaps know who... she is...?"

"A maiden of the ocean? I am the merman of the ocean! Do you perhaps mean me?"

"No, a maiden. That is what my father's advisor said. I am to rescue a maiden of the ocean in order to help bring peace to my father's kingdom."

"There is no maiden of the ocean. I am a merman of the ocean in desperate need of rescuing, however! And I will certainly repay you by helping you bring peace."

Marius frowned. "There is no maiden?"

"No maiden."

Grantaire laughed from behind Marius. "Looks like you have another man to kiss, Marius!"

Marius and the merman balked, but it was the merman who protested.

"No, no, no! That is not how I am to be rescued! I am in need to recover from my cold, but I cannot do that in the ocean, you see! And yet, I will not survive long on land like this. If you could help me grow legs, perhaps I have a chance to become healthy once more!"

"Well, Marius, you did say you needed to help someone from the ocean be able to walk on land."

"Yes, but..."

"If he kisses me, he might catch my cold!"

Grantaire grabbed the bald princess and gently placed him on the ground. "Then kiss him! He's in a coma. He will not be able to catch your cold."

"I don't think that's how it works..."

"What's the harm in trying?"

And so the merman sighed and kissed the bald princess. To Marius's surprise, the bald princess opened his eyes.

"You," said the bald princess. "You are my one true love!"

And the merman, Marius noticed, was no longer a merman but a stark-naked human man. He smiled down upon the bald princess, who smiled widely back.

"And you are mine!" the merman cried. "I am Joly."

"And I am Bossuet."

"What is happening?" Marius moaned.

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