The Exam Aftermath - regrouping and moving forward
Well, it's certainly been a roller coaster couple of days. Since getting the news that I've failed the Anaesthetics Fellowship exam, I spent most of the first 24 hours in a state of shock. Having to go to a memorial service for Paul Smith (an old friend and partner of Gary Stocks) the same day, about an hour after finding out, I really didn't know what to think.
Most of Tuesday was spent not really knowing what to do. I fired off a pile of emails to people at work (people like my Supervisor of Training at Westmead, Nicole, my "mentor" at work, Alan) and SMSed several people whom had provided support for me through the exam period. There was an almost deathly silence for about eight hours, as no one responded. Although intellectually I knew this wasn't the case, it felt like everyone at work had sort of abandoned me and written me off.
Over the last 18 hours or so, I've had various people contact me - Tim, who took me through the Medical Vivas gave me a call. He had failed his Fellowship exam the first time around, so he could relate in a way and knew how I was feeling. I got a call from Emily, another Registrar at work that has for some reason always been there for me, and she was wonderful - it was one of the most comforting 17 minute phone calls of my life. I have now got emails back from all of the other members of my studygroup, and one from Adam, who really isn't known for his emotional
"None of us can understand what you must be feeling. None of us can say anything to make this awful situation better for you. Just know that we continue to respect, admire and support you and will be there to help you out, whenever and however you might decide. Make sure that you take some time away from studying to collect your thoughts and recharge your batteries. See you next week. Adam."
This sort of thing has been really important to me, as I kind of feel like I've lost the respect of all my professional colleagues in the last few days.
Thanks too to everyone that left messages on the last post, and to others that left me messages in my friends list. What you did was really so important to me - to know I wasn't facing this alone.
Tuesday was a bit all over the place. I tried to study, but I just couldn't get into it. I started re-reading a textbook but stopped so many times, as it all seemed familiar and I almost didn't feel like I was learning anything new. In the end I didn't do much.
Truth is, I'm not really a good fit when it comes to Medicine. I'm a bit of an odd duck in Medicine because I seem to approach things in a fundamentally different way to most people. That's okay - I don't think I'm clinically inept, and when it comes to the crunch, that's when I spring into action. I like trauma, arrest calls and obstetric anaesthesia for that reason - because it's a matter of getting down to business and organising everyone else. Other people fear those critical situations - I see them as the time that I can have the biggest impact on someone's health. I know I'm a good doctor - just that I have a problem with getting over medical exams. I've failed exams through medical school, I've failed the Anaesthesia Primary Exam, and now this. There's something about how I seem to approach these exams that I just don't seem to get. But eventually I get over the mark - jump through the hoops, and actually get on with being a doctor.
I have resolved to do a few things differently now:
I will be sitting the second sitting of exams in July, which is only a couple of months away - not that long to wait.
I will not be completely disconnecting myself from my life anymore - for the last six months, I have told friends "you won't see me until the exams are over" and spending all my time eating, sleeping, working and studying. Nothing else. This is not healthy - although I thought it was what I had to do to remain focussed. I will now study, but I will ensure that I get to see friends over a coffee or have a break over dinner with people as a reward for studying.
I will continue to come to Fisher Library at the University of Sydney to study. This is where I do my most effective study. I'm here now - I will spend the day here - I have coffee and a lunch packed, and will put about 6-7 hours of study in (with breaks of course).
I will go back to the gym. Truth is, I don't have any problems motivating myself to go to the gym - BodyAttack and BodyCombat are things that I truly enjoy, as it's where I get away from myself a little bit and get into the zone. Not that I didn't want to go, but I felt that I was doing it to exhaustion and it was making me fall asleep during study periods. I did a BodyCombat class last night and felt so much better - so energised! With me not going to the gym, I have put on 5kg in the last six months. That's about to start coming off and I'm going to get back down to 91kg again.
I will be spending the next few weeks working out where I went wrong, and will be addressing those things. Not sure how I'm going to do that yet, but I will. I'll be enlisting the help of the Anaesthetics Department and everything.
And I'm still planning to be doing a DONE3 ex-DPS (it will be interesting to see how many people know what that is!) when this is all over. That's still my reward for when this is all done. And as I'm flying around the world and going to all these interesting places, it's going to be extra sweet for me to know that I've earned it.
Most of Tuesday was spent not really knowing what to do. I fired off a pile of emails to people at work (people like my Supervisor of Training at Westmead, Nicole, my "mentor" at work, Alan) and SMSed several people whom had provided support for me through the exam period. There was an almost deathly silence for about eight hours, as no one responded. Although intellectually I knew this wasn't the case, it felt like everyone at work had sort of abandoned me and written me off.
Over the last 18 hours or so, I've had various people contact me - Tim, who took me through the Medical Vivas gave me a call. He had failed his Fellowship exam the first time around, so he could relate in a way and knew how I was feeling. I got a call from Emily, another Registrar at work that has for some reason always been there for me, and she was wonderful - it was one of the most comforting 17 minute phone calls of my life. I have now got emails back from all of the other members of my studygroup, and one from Adam, who really isn't known for his emotional
"None of us can understand what you must be feeling. None of us can say anything to make this awful situation better for you. Just know that we continue to respect, admire and support you and will be there to help you out, whenever and however you might decide. Make sure that you take some time away from studying to collect your thoughts and recharge your batteries. See you next week. Adam."
This sort of thing has been really important to me, as I kind of feel like I've lost the respect of all my professional colleagues in the last few days.
Thanks too to everyone that left messages on the last post, and to others that left me messages in my friends list. What you did was really so important to me - to know I wasn't facing this alone.
Tuesday was a bit all over the place. I tried to study, but I just couldn't get into it. I started re-reading a textbook but stopped so many times, as it all seemed familiar and I almost didn't feel like I was learning anything new. In the end I didn't do much.
Truth is, I'm not really a good fit when it comes to Medicine. I'm a bit of an odd duck in Medicine because I seem to approach things in a fundamentally different way to most people. That's okay - I don't think I'm clinically inept, and when it comes to the crunch, that's when I spring into action. I like trauma, arrest calls and obstetric anaesthesia for that reason - because it's a matter of getting down to business and organising everyone else. Other people fear those critical situations - I see them as the time that I can have the biggest impact on someone's health. I know I'm a good doctor - just that I have a problem with getting over medical exams. I've failed exams through medical school, I've failed the Anaesthesia Primary Exam, and now this. There's something about how I seem to approach these exams that I just don't seem to get. But eventually I get over the mark - jump through the hoops, and actually get on with being a doctor.
I have resolved to do a few things differently now:
I will be spending the next few weeks working out where I went wrong, and will be addressing those things. Not sure how I'm going to do that yet, but I will. I'll be enlisting the help of the Anaesthetics Department and everything.
And I'm still planning to be doing a DONE3 ex-DPS (it will be interesting to see how many people know what that is!) when this is all over. That's still my reward for when this is all done. And as I'm flying around the world and going to all these interesting places, it's going to be extra sweet for me to know that I've earned it.