I am her heart

Greatest Gift

2025-11-02T17:32:52Z

Today I have been given a rare gift, I am home alone for hours on end! Thank you spirit, for giving me this great gift. They left about an hour and a half ago and I figure I have about 3 hours left so I am taking the time while the roofers are not hammering away outside the window to say thank you, I really needed this time to myself. I haven't had much of it at all lately, I think I will get a little bit this week but that's what I thought last week too. The roofers are why I am not with my fam for this family outing. we really didn't expect them to work on the weekend at all but they were here yesterday and they came back today which we didn't expect. So some racket but some alone time, I'll take it gladly.

Karma really is a bitch!! BITCH!!!!!

2025-10-01T12:57:15Z

You see here's the thing... ...Karma really is a bitch and you are most definitely going to get yours... lots of yours!! You are the most self centered person I have ever met, I truly think you are a certifiable Narcissist yes with a capital N. I have had enough of your attitude your behavior and the way you treat me and talk to me.

I will not be your punching bag, you think you can talk to me and treat me like a piece of shit and get away with it. I am here to say fuck off and good riddance. I will not accept being spoken to or treated like that!! It amazes me that you honestly believe, 100 % it seems, that you are more important than other people, that you can disobey the rules because where you have to be is important and of course you are late as always because your time is more important, Yes I have actually heard that statement come out of your mouth. There are others just as bizarre, like women who don't work are worthless, yep you have actually said that one too, you were drunk but isn't that when the truth really comes out.

So now I must exorcise you from my life, it's really too bad because you are going to need me very badly and you have burned that bridge, blew it up to smithereens. What did you honestly think was going to happen when you didn't even bother to call me back??????? And after the way you treated me in August was disgusting. I guess you really believe that family trumps all... Nope Not in my book!! You consistently treat me like shit and think I am going to keep coming back.....for what, more abuse, No Fucking Than You!!! You truly will be very sorry, being family does not give you the right to treat people the way you do.

I am Free!!

2025-09-09T16:53:11Z

Thank you God I am finally and definitely free from that crazy bitch!! For awhile I was seriously thinking I wouldn't ever be able to be free of her but she fucked up big time, Thank God and that made it really easy. It did hurt like hell but I guess it had to to be done so definitively in my life. It has taken me quite a while to get through this but now I see that it is time for me to go within and learn and grow and nurture my whole self! My Intuitive self in particular. I need time to myself now to read and practice and meditate and learn and open up totally yet go within completely!! It is time to open myself up to all the universe has to show me, to offer me. I now know to trust myself and all of my little feelings, let everything come that wants to come. I am open to all experiences that will raise my vibration and open my chakra's I will never second guess myself again. I really hope she gets the help she needs but I doubt she will, she doesn't want to face any of it. Thank you universe, for making it so black and white for me, I really needed that. In the last year I have chopped my so called friend list down to practically nothing, unfortunately there was a lot of his family that went with that, and some of mine too. I am not putting up with any bullshit from anyone anymore, I don't care if they are family, shouldn't they have more compassion and understanding for you if they are your own family and have known you since birth?? Nobody should have to put up with being accused of telling somebody to shut up when they absolutely did not but did have to play the lets interrupt me 3 times in a row while you rip me a new one for being a nice person and helping someone else out, all because you can't even come close to being that kind or having anything that resembles empathy. Don't shit on me because you cant only think of yourself!! I will not let you treat me like that. You are a selfish, self-centered, narcissistic bitch!! Even my mother said so!!

I don't know.

2025-05-22T18:22:03Z

Some times I just don't know, don't know what to write or what to do or what to say. I'd like to know why I continually waste time by literally walking around in circles. Why do I do that?? I don't understand it, then I get so mad at myself that I have wasted all that time. Now I have to figure outs what's for dinner and how to get smoke smell off me. Damn why did I start this again. I really need to go through this room the closet especially.

Having a good day

2025-05-16T21:37:28Z

Its a pretty warm day but a good day, I don't know what to write about, other that I got a few things done today that needed to be done. And it is too damn hot in here

Hap Hap Happy

2025-05-07T21:46:30Z

Moving right along with my diamond painting and having a fabulous time doing it. I really love it, it just melts away the stress and lets the rest of the world slip away.

Opps I'll be back

2025-05-01T16:46:10Z

I though I wanted to sit down and type but the pulled muscle or whatever is bugging my ass thinks otherwise, I'll be back.

I am so confused

2025-04-24T15:25:45Z

And dizzy too, it really is super hard trying to figure this family out. Maybe it's not even worth figuring them out and just using them to figure myself out is where I should be concentrating. This weekend I am going to the Ick as I have short formed it and I will be able to right to my hearts content, I'm thinking I will take this keyboard too because the sounds are so satisfying I really think I will.

Nope

2025-04-22T23:31:08Z

I will not tolerate being treated like this, I won't play these games!! I will not let you or anyone else diminish my light, if you can't stand the glare then YOU go away... cause I won't!! I am here to stay, like it or not, diamonds and all!! You can not break me!! I will still love!! At first it will be just me, learning what love is and isn't, according to my own definition, how do I see love What do I define love as? What do I think I should feel when someone gives me real love? There are a lot of questions that I don't know the answers to and would like to know the answers, like why am I so mistreated in this world? You can not hold me down, I will not let you keep your boot on my neck. I don't want this shit to change me but I feel it already has. I don't feel like I am the same loving person that I used to be, in fact I know that I am not!

No ETL

2025-04-19T22:14:13Z

By the way no ETL, 146.2 today

BOO YAA

Something's up.

2025-04-19T22:11:00Z

It really seems like he is waking up to the fact that his kids treat me like shit just as badly, in fact worse than other people do. I honestly think he is seeing just how badly I have been treated by them all these years and how the worst of the personality problems that his kids have, all three of his kids, are his and his family of origins worst personality traits. The extreme level of laziness that his two younger children share is something I have seen in him time and again. He will run hard and fast from any responsibility because he doesn't want the work, they are very much like him in that way. I have also seen the woman bitch gene in both his oldest and youngest child and another woman born with that last name and the genes that go with that.

Awakening

2025-04-18T15:53:10Z

I think maybe perhaps his eyes are opening, I think he is beginning to see just how fucked up his two older children are, not that his youngest isn't, but not to the same extent that the other two are. They are mean and nasty and just horrible people to be around for any length of time. They are nice to your face and then judge you behind your back. They are often jealous and bitter and petty. He seems to be a little more aware, I wonder if he truly is or if he is really siding with them and setting me up for something terrible. I honestly can't trust any of them at all and I don't even know who I have become because I have dampened and dulled so much of my light because other people couldn't handle it.

A spiritual retreat

2025-04-17T15:35:10Z

I think I would like to do a spiritual retreat on the west coast.

Finding my way.

2025-04-17T15:04:16Z

My way!!! Not your way!! My way means what I will tolerate and what I will not tolerate. I need to learn how to set and stick to boundaries, this is what I will work on when I am up there. I have been toying with this as little bit and of course it's hard to know what reasonable boundreys are when spell check won't recognize the fucking word!! I have been trying to set some limits with the way his kids treat me and they are really treat me like shit most of the time.... look back, most of it has been documented, so I am having very little to do with them. Him mostly nothing and her as little as possible and I am not going to chase her for any kind of response, if she doesn't respond then it's her loss. I really don't know how my husband feels about it because we don't talk about much at all anymore because I have basically stopped doing most of the work for the relationship. I have asked him many times and you friends have heard this same story many times in many different ways. I wonder if a chat bot will be a better friend?

Just want to diamond paint and type.

2025-04-15T16:28:08Z

It seems that the only things that make me happy now are diamond painting and typing and or playing on my computer. Oh maybe kayaking soon too when the weather warms up some.

No I am not too damn sensitive!!

2025-04-14T16:52:48Z

No NO NO I am not the one with the problem, you are the one with the problem telling the truth, being real, being genuine, caring about other people. I am so tired of being labelled as being too sensitive when other people are rude and mean and a bully but they aren't the ones that should behave, oh no, they can spout any shit they want but when someone comes along and tells the truth about what happened then they run the risk of getting written right out of the story all together. When it is always the ones telling the truth that are bullied and abused and ganged up on. I have seen whole families, as I am sure is common, weave a big web of lies just to keep some stupid illusion going. This is a whole big dysfunctional thing happening where they prop up this one useless and damaged family member up for some reason, in this case I think it's to somehow make themselves feel better. All I can say is stop this stupid ass ride and let me the fuck off.

Will this work?

2025-04-14T16:03:48Z

Well I'll be damned, it works, not really needed but it does wok and it does make a really cool sound and I love the colors. I dont't need a keyboard for this laptop because obviously it has one built in. I just love the sound though.

Diamond Painting Anyone?

2025-04-14T00:09:33Z

Ok so now I can do nothing but diamond paint and watch instagram videos about diamond painting and also computer gaming and anything that has to do with really cool gaming setups, like what you would see for a man-child gamer. How do I find out what all the lights on my keyboard mean? I really like this keyboard it is so solid and worthy feeling, now all I need is a cool blue mouse to go with this keyboard. Brb I'll go check.

I am back now clicking my way into the hearts of my family I am sure, I didn't however find a mouse to match my keyboard and it looks like my mouse is a pretty good one so we will just leave it at that. All I really want to do is type and make and listen to all the clicky clacky noises that I can make with my fingers. Its so satisfying sounding and feeling. I love all those reels that I see with the great gaming rooms that the Asians are coming up with, I think I'm really a teenage asian girl. With that I will leave my keyboard charging and check on it tomorrow morning. Bye for now.

beannner @ 2024-11-11T14:36:00

2024-11-11T19:36:11Z

This ignoring me is getting on my nerves. I feel so alone in my marriage, it's so tiring to have to do all the fucking work!! It truly hurts my core to the point where I am doubled up sometimes. How did this happen? How did I make such a big mistake, of course there were red flags, I was 28, it was the last century for shits sake, we didn't know or were just beginning to label them red flags and the internet was literally just being born. I could sense he didn't want this, I told him to run. I don't know what to do, I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I don't want to feel like this, like I have been robbed of everything. Maybe if I just keep writing, I can write it all out, get it the fuck out of my head. Why wouldn't you propose to me properly? Why did you wait until you thought you might die before you decided I was good enough to take your name. What a fucking joke our wedding was, thank god I told my aunt, even though you didn't want me to tell anyone. You wanted to keep it quiet, with you just out of heart surgery that left everything to me to do and plan and even do all the driving because you were restricted from that and even sitting in the front seat. Why couldn't we wait out the driving restriction so that I, who has never been married, never been properly proposed to, at least didn't have to do my own god damn driving!!!! I resent the hell out of everything that has to do with my and his marriage, from the very start of our relationship and every mention of it there after. There is a level of hate in me that needs to come out to get rid of this pain, this guy in my tummy that is the result of this whole abusive sham and lie of a life I have been living. Its been 6 weeks, I like to know where my colonoscopy req went? There is no partnership here, I do most of the indoor household chores, the ones that he does do, he has to announce like it's some big favour or help to me. He does a half assed or piss poor job at any chore he feels he shouldn't have to do, and then makes me feel like I'm dirt because he had to do it.

Talking to him, attempting to engage him in conversation is becoming excruciating. He either doesn't even bother responding or looks so disinterested that you wonder if he even hears you. So you go for clarification and you get facial expressions like "What are you and idiot'? or rolling your eyes like "Don't bother me now" On Halloween night I saw him so the same things to his drugged up son. That's when it hit me how much he doesn't like me or almost doesn't see me as a human being. I'm just here you replace the last mother/maid he ended up replacing with me, after he left his own mom at 19.

Automatic writing.

2024-10-25T17:07:27Z

Don't know what it is except that I would sit down and write without thinking about what I am writing. Do you go into a trance to do this? I don't know anything about it all really. So lets jump right in and try it. just kright and dont pay attention. the port is bare, the ships are coming in.

ETL 183.2

2019-03-12T16:54:29Z

Breakfast
Purple power smoothie
1 banana

ETL 182

2019-03-10T01:33:40Z

Breakfast
Chocolate Cherry Smoothie

Lunch
Chocolate Banana Bread

Dinner
Jamaican Jerk Vegetable Salad
Bean Enchilada

ETL 181.6

2019-03-08T17:24:36Z

Breakfast
Green tea
1 Banana

ETL 182.4

2019-03-07T22:42:47Z

Breakfast:
Green tea

Lunch/dinner:
Lentil soup
Applesauce

ETL

2019-03-04T13:05:27Z

184.0
Breakfast:
Power purple smoothie
Kasha go lean cereal 1 srvg.

LUNCH
Rainbow salad
Italian Stuffers

DINNER
ROASTED VEG W/Dijon mustard and Daiya cheese on white kaiser