Barney/Ted Shippers

Consequences - Chapter 35

dreamsofspike — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 07:50:15 GMT

Hi, guys :)

So sorry it's taken so long to get this update up. I've had more than one death in my family as well as a serious illness to deal with in the past few weeks, and it's been crazy. Hopefully things will be settling down now for a while. :) Hope you enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think!!

*Hugs*
DoS

Previous chapters here

Title: Consequences
Beta: currently none :P
Pairing: Ted/Barney
Rating: NC-17
Warnings (highlight to read): violence, dom/sub, dub-con, dark!ted, other dark, disturbing themes yet to be decided ;)
Summary: Barney is desperate to get Ted to forgive him for sleeping with Robin -- so desperate that he's willing to do anything. Of course, when he makes that promise, he has no idea how far Ted intends to take it.

“Ted, please,” Robin sighed. “You’re not making any sense. Can’t you just tell me what happened, from the beginning?”

Consequences - Chapter 34

dreamsofspike — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 12:22:55 GMT

Hi, guys :)

So sorry it's taken so long to get this update up.
I've had a lot of family/personal issues that have made things
difficult, but things seem to be settling down now. :) Hope you enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think!!

*Hugs*
DoS

Previous chapters here

Title: Consequences
Beta: currently none :P
Pairing: Ted/Barney
Rating: NC-17
Warnings (highlight to read): violence, dom/sub, dub-con, dark!ted, other dark, disturbing themes yet to be decided ;)
Summary: Barney is desperate to get Ted to forgive him for sleeping with Robin -- so desperate that he's willing to do anything. Of course, when he makes that promise, he has no idea how far Ted intends to take it.

They’d made it clear enough times, hadn’t they? They didn’t even know why they were friends with him at all half the time – so why would Marshall of all people choose to take his side over Ted’s?

recent ep: s8ep17 - the Ashtray - slashy quote

simbiani82 — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 07:50:20 GMT

Oh, Barney.. XD

Barney: "Aww, great! What if he asks you out?? What does that MEAN for our ~relationship? What, are we planning to be in some, super-enlightened forward-thinking marriage? Where we don't get hung up on, the suffocating & ~outdated principles of monogamy? And instead, enjoy the company of ~multiple partners? Sometimes bringing said partners into our marital bed? But just GiRLS, not dudes- except maybe one time just to see what that's like- I mean, is THAT what you want?!"

Robin: ">.>.. no."

Barney: "Gehh- Ookayy! Me neither!"

~ motioncaps by notagingeryet on tumblr ~

~ random epic reaction, by shutupandbounce on tumblr ~
"Soooo I'm not the only one who caught that "Barney being bi-curious" is canon on How I Met Your Mother now?? ;) (brb totally OT3ing Barney/Robin/Ted!)"

~ unrelated gifs from the same ep which make it funnier (by amaliasmix on tumblr) ~

xoxoxo

Consequences - Chapter 33

dreamsofspike — Sun, 06 Jan 2013 11:46:31 GMT

Hey, guys :)

Here's the next chapter of Consequences :) Hope you guys enjoy this chapter :) At long last, there's some comfort to be had! :)

*hugs*
DoS

Previous chapters.

Title: Consequences
Beta: currently none :P
Pairing: Ted/Barney
Rating: NC-17
Warnings (highlight to read): violence, dom/sub, dub-con, dark!ted, other dark, disturbing themes yet to be decided ;)
Summary: Barney is desperate to get Ted to forgive him for sleeping with Robin -- so desperate that he's willing to do anything. Of course, when he makes that promise, he has no idea how far Ted intends to take it.

“I’m not going to change my mind.” Barney’s voice was quiet and even, his gaze still downcast. “And besides, he… didn’t really do anything, did he? I’ve got a split lip and a bruise on my face. Besides that, there’s… no evidence to prove that anything happened. Not… this time.”

Consequences - Chapter 32

dreamsofspike — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 07:23:13 GMT

Hey, guys :)

Here's the next chapter of Consequences :) Hope you guys enjoy this chapter :) At long last, there's some comfort to be had! :)

*hugs*
DoS

Previous chapters.

Title: Consequences
Beta: currently none :P
Pairing: Ted/Barney
Rating: NC-17
Warnings (highlight to read): violence, dom/sub, dub-con, dark!ted, other dark, disturbing themes yet to be decided ;)
Summary: Barney is desperate to get Ted to forgive him for sleeping with Robin -- so desperate that he's willing to do anything. Of course, when he makes that promise, he has no idea how far Ted intends to take it.

“Ted… we’ve been listening.” Marshall’s voice was quiet, strangely calm. “It’s just… what you’re saying isn’t making any sense.”

Consequences - Chapter 31

dreamsofspike — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 10:44:58 GMT

Consequences - Chapter 30

dreamsofspike — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 15:00:12 GMT

Hey, guys :)

Here's the next chapter of Consequences :) Hope you guys enjoy this chapter :)

*hugs*
DoS

Previous chapters.

Title: Consequences
Beta: currently none :P
Pairing: Ted/Barney
Rating: NC-17
Warnings (highlight to read): violence, dom/sub, dub-con, dark!ted, other dark, disturbing themes yet to be decided ;)
Summary: Barney is desperate to get Ted to forgive him for sleeping with Robin -- so desperate that he's willing to do anything. Of course, when he makes that promise, he has no idea how far Ted intends to take it.

Chapter 30

( Barney felt as if he barely breathed between leaving MacLaren’s, and the moment when he closed and locked the door of his apartment, shutting out the horrified sense of panic at the monumental mistake he had nearly made. He’d come so close to telling Lily everything, and only Marshall’s innocent suggestion to involve Ted had stopped him in time, with a devastating realization he wasn’t sure how he’d forgotten. They’d never believe me over Ted. )

Consequences - Chapter 29

dreamsofspike — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 09:01:58 GMT

the_night_max — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 23:39:44 GMT

Title: The Pool chapter 10

Rating: 18+

Summary: Ted and Barney deal with their friends and take everything to the next level

Link: http://the-night-max.livejournal.com/2942.html

the_night_max — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 22:29:56 GMT

Title: The Pool, chapters eight and nine

Rating: 18+

Summary: Ted struggles with what's happening

Link:

Chapter eight: http://the-night-max.livejournal.com/2338.html
Chapter nine: http://the-night-max.livejournal.com/2783.html

the_night_max — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 20:12:34 GMT

Title: The Pool - chapter seven

Rating: 18+

Summary: Ted gets a 3am visit from Ted. But not the kind he wanted.

Link: http://the-night-max.livejournal.com/2084.html

the_night_max — Sun, 12 Aug 2012 23:36:42 GMT

Title: The Pool, chapter six

Rating: 18 + (also angsty)

Pairing: Ted/Barney

Summary: Barney had assumed everything would be perfect when he and Ted got together...

Link: http://the-night-max.livejournal.com/2021.html

the_night_max — Sun, 12 Aug 2012 00:05:37 GMT

Title: The Pool, chapter five

Rating: PG. Mainly angsty.

Pairing: Ted/Barney

Summary: What happens after Ted and Barney are spotted doing something they'd rather have kept to themselves?

Link: http://the-night-max.livejournal.com/1635.html

the_night_max — Wed, 08 Aug 2012 01:17:43 GMT

Title: The Pool - chapter four

Rating: 18+ (rude words and deeds)

Pairing: Barney and Ted

Summary: Barney and Ted go on their first date after hooking up for the first time.

Link: http://the-night-max.livejournal.com/1446.html

the_night_max — Sat, 04 Aug 2012 16:00:06 GMT

Title: The Pool chapter three
Rating: 18+ (rude words and deeds)
Pairing: Ted/Barney
Summary: It's the morning after. Ted wakes up with a dry mouth and that feeling of back-of-the-mind and pit-of-the-stomach shame and anxiety that follows a night where you get drunk enough to be honest with yourself and everyone else. He feels queasy and wooly-headed and - Uh oh...

Link: tp://the-night-max.livejournal.com/1279.html

The Pool - Chapter Two

the_night_max — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 22:27:07 GMT

A heatwave in NYC has led to everything getting equally hot between Barney and Ted. Explicit slash, but no spoilers.

http://the-night-max.livejournal.com/835.html

The Pool - first Barney/Ted fic

the_night_max — Sun, 29 Jul 2012 23:21:41 GMT

Kids, in the summer of 2012, New York City was in the middle of a heatwave. It was so hot tarmac melted, planes couldn't take off, and walking anywhere outdoors felt like doing a Bikram yoga session. Even going to the bar wasn't that appealing - by the time we'd got beers to the booth, they were warm. So, Lily suggested hitting the pool. The only problem was, we were pretty sure everyone else would have had the same idea and even though it was unbearably hot, nobody fancied sharing a pool with 500 screaming seven-year-olds...

"Hey Barney, doesn't your building have a pool?" Marshall asks. He's taking his turn resting his face inside the top shelf of the fridge.

"Uh... no. I don't think so. Hey, why we just put a paddling pool on the roof again? That was fun, right?"

"Are you sure your building doesn't have one? You said something the other week about 'doing twins' in the pool at your building..."

Barney avoids Marshall's gaze and squirms slightly. "Oh. That pool. Yeah. Um... It closed."

"What?"

"It burnt down." He sounds like he's panicking now.

Marshall is incredulous. "It bur... a pool... Barney, what's going on? Why don't you want us to go to your pool?"

Barney laughs unconvincingly. "What? Marshall, where did you get that idea. That's crazy. So the paddling pool on the roof...Who's with me?"

Marshall is irritated by now. "No! Barney, stop being weird. We're going to your pool."

Only Ted notices it, but Barney looks genuinely worried. But he sighs almost imperceptibly. "Fine, let's go."

Half an hour later, they're all in the water and after weeks of the city's grimy, sauna-like heat, it feels incredible. Nobody can actually be bothered to expend any energy on swimming, but there's a bar right by the pool, so they're all just lounging in the water and sipping cocktails. All except Barney, who is sweating alone on a sunlounger. Ted can tell from the frown lines on his forehead that something is bothering him, so even though it pains him to leave the beautifully soothing water behind, he goes over to the blonde. When he gets closer, he can also see the tension across Barney's shoulders. He's sunbathing in just his swim shorts - even Barney can't wear a suit in this - but he's still bathed in sweat.

"Hey buddy. What's up? Why aren't you coming in?" Ted perches on the side of Barney's lounger.

"I'm working on my tan. I'm fine. It's not that hot."

"Dude... it's 112 degrees. Why are you being so weird about coming in the pool?"

Barney looks even more tense. "I'm not being weird. I just don't feel like it. I don't like pools."

"What? How can you not li... Wait... Barney, you can swim, right?"

Barney does his unconvincing laugh again. "Ted! Of course I can swim. I love swimming. In fact, I'm a master of the breaststroke. Whattup!" He recovers slightly and holds up his hand for a high five.

Ted doesn't hit it. He's suddenly realised the truth. "Dude, you can't swim!"

"Shh! Ted, shuttup. Ok, fine. I can't swim. Nobody ever taught me, ok? Do NOT tell anyone or we are no longer best friends, promise me."

"Well actually Marshall is m-"

"Ted! Promise me!"

Ted can tell Barney's serious and he actually looks quite upset about this. He puts an arm on Barney's shoulder placatingly. His skin is hot from the sun and Ted momentarily thinks how soft it is, then stops thinking that, because it's weird.

"Ok, ok. I promise. But only if you promise me something. Let me teach you to swim."

Barney keep his composure in his face as usual, but in his eyes, there's a mixture of fear and gratitude. He gives Ted a small nod and swallows slightly too hard.

"Cool. Whatever. If you really want to."

So that's how they end up by the side of Barney's pool later that night. The bar is closed and they're the only ones there. It's dark, but the underwater lights are on. It's still stickily, swelteringly hot and the water looks more inviting to Ted than ever. Barney is standing at the side, arms wrapped protectively round himself, looking at the water mistrustfully. He's wearing a tiny pair of black speedos and Ted takes in how snug they are over his hips and the toned V of his stomach muscles. He has a lightly defined six pack and pecs and he's golden brown all over. The swell over the front of his shorts is - wait, why is Ted thinking about this? It's weird. No, scratch that, it's really weird. Ted has no idea why it's happening, but now he feels awkward, particularly about the fact he's now going to have to be in the water his almost naked friend who he's just been having really weird thoughts about.

Ted tries to forget about his moment of weirdness and coaxes Barney into the water up to his waist. He definitely isn't thinking about the way the movement of the water and the lights underneath are making little ripples of reflection over the taut planes of his friend's stomach. Nor is he thinking about how Barney is trying to cover up how scared he is and has set his mouth in a tight line, and how it looks kind of adorably vulnerable.

"Ok," says Ted. "How much do you know? Can you at least doggy paddle?"

He can't. Which means it's back to complete basics. Ted realises that actually, despite his offer, he's not sure how to teach someone to swim. Sure, he can do it himself, but he's been doing it so long it just feels automatic.

"Um... ok. Right. Try holding onto the side of the pool with your hands and kicking your legs to start with."

After a few minutes, Barney has the leg work down. And he's ok about putting his face in the water. So Ted decides it's time to practise what to do with his arms. Now, the other way round - kicking - was easy. But you can't exactly hold onlt the side of the pool with your feet. Ted can only see one way round this.

"Ok. I, uh, I'm gonna hold you up in the water now, so you can try out your arms. Ok?"

Ted swears there's a glint in Barney's eye when he smiles at him. "Sure. Shall I hop on?"

"Uh, I guess." Ted swallows. He's having to ignore weird thoughts again. God, why is this happening? Maybe he's just horny? It's been a while since he did, well, anything. With anyone.

But he doesn't have much time to think about the reasons for their weirdness, because moments later, he's holding Barney under his stomach while he (slightly clumsily) rakes his arms through the water. His abs are hard under Ted's fingers but he feels oddly weightless in the water. Ted's stomach contracts as his hand shifts lower on Barney's body, grazing the edge of the waistband of his speedos. And suddenly, he can no longer ignore the fact he's really turned on. The feeling isn't just in Ted's cock, it's through his whole groin. His trunks have got uncomfortably tight and he's terrified that Barney will accidentally brush against him in the water and realise what's happening. He shouldn't think about Barney brushing against him. That's not going to help the situation at all. It dawns on him that Barney is saying something, and has squirmed out of his arms to stand in the pool.

"I said, do they really put that pink dye in the pool, or is it a myth?"

"Uh... It's a myth. Why?"

Barney grins mischievously. "No reason."

Ted is appalled. "Oh my god! Barney! Did you?... while I'm holding you?"

Barney genuinely laughs for the first time all day. "Of course not, you douche. I was just trying to get your attention. You seem distracted."

Ted blushes. Can Barney read this thoughts? No. That's stupid. Of course he can't.

"No. Not distracted. You were just splashing really loudly."

A doubting look flits briefly across Barney's features. "Ok. Well, since the lessons are going so well, do you want a drink?"

"Dude, the bar's closed."

Barney pulls his familiar eyebrow-waggling mischievous face, hops out of the pool and grabs a key off a table. "Not when the barman owes you a favour it's not..."

An hour later, they're both drunk. More than drunk. Into that area where bad decisions seem like good ones and terrible decisions seem like amazing ones. They're in the pool next to each other, arms resting on the side and nursing drinks. The weird thoughts still keep coming for Ted. Like now. The muscles in Barney's shoulders are tense as he rests his weight on his forearms and his cheekbones look sharp in the soft light. His hair is damp and his teeth are white. He smells of chlorine and cologne and sun-on-skin. Is it Ted's imagination, or is he edging closer?

Another half hour later and they've reached the point where they're too drunk for anything they do to even be classed as making a decision. They're definitely too drunk to be in a pool. Ted definitely thought the weird feelings would have gone away by now. But a moment ago, Barney's thigh rubbed his and he felt his shorts tighten all over again. A few moments before that, Barney had leaned in close to say something, and the feeling of his breath on Ted's neck had raised goosebumps. He realises that Barney is closer than ever. Ted can't help it, his heart starts to beat faster and his throat is suddenly dry.

"Ted, don't pools make you feel kinda sexy?" Barney's face is right next to his now and Ted swears he has the look in his eyes that he normally gets when he's realised his latest play is going to work.

"Uh... I dunno." He swallows hard. "I guess."

"Yeah. Me too." Barney smiles.

Then, his hand is on the back of Ted's neck. He presses himself into Ted's body, manipulating him so that they're facing each other. Their hips are together and Ted relaises he's not the only one whose swim shorts are tight. Barney is defintely hard. Really hard. They're both breathing a little faster and shallower. Barney's hand has moved up and his fingertips are firmly working their way up Ted's skull, raking through his hair. Even though it's hot, he shivers. Barney looks him right in the eyes and, just slightly, raises his eyebrows. Ted knows its a question and he knows what his answer is. He nods so slightly he's not sure Barney will be able to tell, but he must, because then their lips are together.

It's soft at first. Softer than Ted would have imagined. Barney is, as ever, smooth shaven and his skin is soft too. He pulls Ted in even closer, wrapping one arm firmly around his back. The kiss gets rougher, more passionate, deeper, tongues fighting. It's frantic and hot and one of Barney's knees goes between Ted's legs, nudging them apart so that he can slot inbetween. Barney's arms are locked behind Ted's head now and his are on Barney's ass, gripping it, completely closing any distance between their bodies. Ted is pushed up against the side of the pool, and he barely feels the rough concrete edge against his back. He doesn't care about it being weird any more, because this is the most turned on he's ever been. He's so hard he aches and he can feel Barney's matching erection against his thigh. They've been kissing for Ted has no idea how long, but long enough for his mouth to feel numb, when Barney pulls away slightly.

"Ted, we're not making a bad decision are we?"

Ted thinks they probably are. He thinks it's probably a terrible decision. He doesn't know what happens next, or how they can go back to being friends, or if he even wants them to go back to being just friends. Hell, if they are going to do this, he doesn't even know how they do the next bit.

He shakes his head and kisses Barney softly, full on the mouth. No tongue.

"Definitely not."

To be continued...

What do you want me to say? One Shot

hulklovestony — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 04:57:24 GMT

Title: What do you want me to say?
CHaracters: Ted/Barney
Warning: References to NonCon
Summary: Ted and Barney get a surprise visitor at the bar, Slash, Ted/Barney

http://hulklovestony.livejournal.com/2487.html

Come to AO3, spread the love

stopthere — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 22:53:12 GMT

Hopefully all of you have heard of ArchiveOfOurOwn.Org but for those who haven't, or for those who have and may have forgotten it:

There are only 40 Barney/Ted fics, four or more of which are moresomes, and at least one is more of a friendship fic where they kiss but it doesn't mean much (says the story, though I have my doubts). And 0 other Barney/Ted fanworks.

Aside from that, there are only 209 HIMYM fics altogether.

ArchiveOfOurOwn, or AO3 is kind of like the archive to engulf all archives. I think it'd be incredibly sad (cry-worthy sad), and unfortunate if we had to lose any of the few Barney/Ted fanworks that we have. So I'm here to encourage you to post your fics/fanworks at AO3 so that as many people as possible can share in their awesome.

I have two invites if you'd like one, and if you want to get your own, they hand them out about once every week. Plus, if anyone needs help, you can ask me. I'd love to help in any way possible.

Lunacy Fringe: Chapter Two

laydieofsorrows — Sun, 03 Jun 2012 05:39:47 GMT

Title: Lunacy Fringe
Chapter: 2/?
Pairing: Ted/Barney
Rating: R - NC-17
Genre: Angst, romance
Words: 2025/4044
Warnings: Non-con, child sexual abuse, rape PTSD, very dark themes.
Summary: Season 6. Takes place after Ted announces that he’s siding with Zoe. When Barney feels helpless he tries to take back control of his life, unknowingly breaking down a barrier that had been holding him together for the past twenty-five years.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. This is a work of fiction.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2

I promptly die without you

stopthere — Fri, 01 Jun 2012 07:46:34 GMT

Title: I promptly die without you
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Pre-slash
Prompt: Addicted to you

A/N: I'm posting it, but I'm not saying it's good.

Also, if any of you have a DW account, I would love to befriend you - my user name is Dancewithoutyou. I can also get anyone who wants one an invite. Well, probably.

Lunacy Fringe: Chapter One

laydieofsorrows — Mon, 28 May 2012 21:05:16 GMT

Title: Lunacy Fringe
Chapter: 1/?
Pairing: Ted/Barney
Rating: R - NC-17
Genre: Angst, romance
Words: 2013
Warnings: Non-con, child sexual abuse, rape PTSD, very dark themes.
Summary: Season 6. Takes place after Ted announces that he’s siding with Zoe. When Barney feels helpless he tries to take back control of his life, unknowingly breaking down a barrier that had been holding him together for the past twenty-five years.

Author’s Note: Don’t own anything. This is a work of fiction.

Chapter One

Consequences - Chapter 28

dreamsofspike — Tue, 08 May 2012 21:14:50 GMT

Hey, guys :)

Here's the next chapter of Consequences :) Hope you guys enjoy this chapter :)

*hugs*
DoS

Previous chapters.

Title: Consequences
Beta: syniram
Pairing: Ted/Barney
Rating: NC-17
Warnings (highlight to read): violence, dom/sub, dub-con, dark!ted, other dark, disturbing themes yet to be decided ;)
Summary: Barney is desperate to get Ted to forgive him for sleeping with Robin -- so desperate that he's willing to do anything. Of course, when he makes that promise, he has no idea how far Ted intends to take it.

Either his scheme had worked, and Barney was so desperate at this point for any sign of affection, any comforting touch, that he would eagerly accept whatever Ted deigned to give him – or Ted had failed, and Barney was still resistant.

Either way, it was too late to change course now.

Fic: Bang the Doldrums

theonlyconstant — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 03:11:57 GMT

Title: Bang the Doldrums
Pairing: Barney/Ted
Rating: M
Summary: They can't be friends, they can't be lovers, they can't have a happy story.
Notes: This story was inspired, heavily, by the song "Bang the Doldrums" by Fall Out Boy. It's very different from anything I've written recently so I'm a little nervous about posting it (but it's been up at AO3 for a bit so I'm not as nervous). It's kind of AU somewhere in season 4. I hope this walk on the angsty/dark side works out ok!

***

A few times in his life Ted Mosby had woken up with something written on him. There was the ultimate time, when he had woken up with “I am Ted. If found, please call…” and Barney had been asleep in the bathtub and there was a pineapple next to his bed. That was also the time Barney set Ted on fire. Well, Ted’s jacket.

Maybe there is a connection between being written on and getting set on fire.

There was the time that Barney wrote Asshole on his forehead in red permanent marker. He couldn’t go into work for three days and went through all of Robin’s toner and two bottles of rubbing alcohol trying to get it off. That was after the time that Ted had set Barney’s tie on fire at the bar but before the time he set Barney’s suit jacket on fire in the apartment. The tie was an accident. The jacket was on purpose.

After the jacket, Barney drew a penis on his face in Robin’s lipstick. This was also after he got Ted so drunk he passed out. Ted took a picture of himself the next morning with his mouth open, his tongue pointing at the lipstick dick, and sent it back to Barney with words “you wish”.

Barney texted back, “I do.”

Maybe that’s how the whole mess started, Ted doesn’t really remember.

Writing on each other becomes a tradition. Ted writes good morning on Barney’s chest in charcoal. Barney writes “Barney’s” on Ted’s dick in lipstick and Ted think he’s just stealing all of it from Robin now and boy is she going to be pissed. It’s one of the MAC ones, too, the same one Ted uses to write “I love you” on Barney’s back, which Barney only sees as he’s getting dressed and he smears it all over his shirt and Barney’s mood is ruined. After one particularly vicious fight, Barney writes “please insert in mouth” in permanent marker on Ted’s left foot.

Ted doesn’t bother trying to get that off because it’s true. It’s still on his foot, fading, when he writes “good bye” in giant block letters across Barney’s forearm with the red glitter pen he found in the bag of the girl he also found in Barney’s apartment.

He knows Barney is a cheater. He just didn’t think he’d cheat on him.

***

They couldn’t be friends anymore. They tried being friends. They tried being best friends. They tried having each other’s back, they tried so many things. They tried drinking until they blacked out, they tried strip clubs, they tried gambling, they tried just going to a coffee shop and doing something sober.

But they couldn’t be friends anymore.

This was after setting Barney’s jacket on fire but before Barney wrote on his foot.

Something is broken in their relationship. Something is off, the tension is crying out constantly. He doesn’t know what it is. He knows partly that he doesn’t trust Barney anymore. Barney has broken his heart too many times. How can he ever trust him to be his friend again? He can’t. In fact, the only person he can trust is Marshall.

He sure as fuck can’t trust himself.

The problem is he and Barney can’t be friends anymore. They can barely stand to be around each other. But there is one thing they can do. It’s the only thing they can do without fighting, the only thing they can do without screaming at each other.

Minimal screaming anyway.

Ted can’t remember how they fucked the first time. He can’t remember where they were, or what day of the week it was. He can’t remember what they were fighting about, but they were fighting about something. They always fight before they fuck. The truth is it’s the only way they know how to do it. Ted doesn’t know what it would feel like to fuck Barney without his hands around his neck, trying to decide if he wants to kiss him or strangle him.

It usually ends up being about 50/50. Thank God Barney is always wearing those suits. It hides the bruises.

What Ted can remember how they’ve fucked since then. In bathroom stalls, on pool tables in abandoned bars, in dark alleyways, in Ted’s apartment, in Barney’s apartment, on the couch, on the floor, in the kitchen with Lily in the next room while Barney is hissing in his ear “if you say one goddamn word I will never put my dick in you again.”

A real threat.

They don’t always fight after sex, but they do sometimes. And then sometimes, if they don’t have to go rejoin the world and act like normal human beings, they hold each other in their own weird way. It’s weird because Barney, who should be all arms behind his head and confidence and possibly smoking a cigarette, is instead in the crook that Ted’s body creates, chin resting on top of Ted’s chest, arm slung out over Ted’s body, one leg hooked over his. Ted keeps one possessive around him, like he’s protecting him from something.

Maybe he is. Maybe that’s why they only do it sometimes, because Barney doesn’t always need to be protected.

***

They live their love life in secret, in the back seat of cars and in bathrooms with locked doors.

They live their tumultuous friendship in public, openly bickering and leaving hateful voicemails, bumping fists and high fiving and sharing what appear to be jealous glances over stolen women, when in reality they are jealous glances that they’re not spending the night together.

Barney sends him obscene text messages all hours of the day. “Are you aware that you’re a crazy person?” Ted texts him.

“You don’t think that when you’re bent over my bathroom sink with my tongue in your ass,” Barney texts back.

“No, I don’t think that. I know that.” But the truth is when he’s bent over Barney’s sink with Barney’s tongue in his ass he doesn’t know anything except how good it feels and that in reality, he’s the crazy person.

“Are you ok?” Robin asks him one day at the bar near Barney’s apartment. He’s got bags under his eyes, he’s ten pounds down, and he has a knee-shaped bruise on the inner part of his right thigh but Robin can’t see that, she just sees him wincing.

“Of course,” he says. “I just need another drink.”

“I think you need a cab,” she says.

“Just a drink,” Ted pleads. Robin sighs and orders him a scotch. When it comes, she lets Ted take a long sip before she asks.

“Are you stealing my lipstick?”

Ted chokes. He doesn’t have the heart to explain it to her. Not the heart – the balls.

***

“Who are you?” Lily asks.

“What?” Ted asks distantly. He’s looking out the window. Have they been talking? How long have they been there? Where are they?

“Who are you and what have you done with Ted Mosby?” she asks.

They’re in her classroom. It’s lunch time, Ted realizes, because Lily has a tray on her desk and Ted is holding a half-drunken chocolate milk. He’s sitting on a tiny chair staring out the window. How did he get there?

“I don’t know,” he answers, because it’s the only honest thing he can say at the moment.

“Ted, you and Barney have got to stop fighting. It’s getting ridiculous. I thought you guys had worked out all your problems and were friends now,” Lily says.

Ted shrugs. He doesn’t think they’re friends. He doesn’t think they’re anything at all.

“Are you listening?” Lily asks. Ted’s pants vibrate and buzz. He pulls his phone out of his pocket.

“I have a thirty minute break between meetings, I’m hard, and I’ve already got two fingers inside. Where are you?” says the text message.

“I have to go,” Ted says absently.

“Go where, Ted, go where at 11:30 in the morning? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

“I don’t know where I’m supposed to be,” Ted answers truthfully. Does have class that day? Who cares when he knows Barney is waiting for him. It’ll only be ten minutes by cab, tops. Maybe he can pay the guy extra to go fast.

“Ted, are you using drugs?” Lily asks in her most serious teacher voice.

“Not that I’m aware of,” he says because honestly you never know with Barney. Maybe he’s been feeding Ted some experimental drug GNB is thinking of investing in. It might explain the last six months of his life.

“Are you giving me drugs?” Ted asks Barney while he bends him over the desk, sliding inside him easily.

“No,” Barney grunts. “Why, do you want me to?”

“No,” Ted replies, though he barely can.

“Are you sure?” Barney asks, pushing back into Ted. “I mean, you fuck for a while but I could give you some stuff that could make you fuck all night.”

“You can’t fuck all night,” Ted says leaning over him and biting his ear.

“Challenge accepted.”

It’s a long night. Ted busts his knee and in the morning, after a shower, Barney agrees to take him to the hospital.

This was after the lipstick dick on his face but before the I love you.

***

For three weeks they don’t speak. Everyone thinks they’re fighting. They are fighting. They’re in the biggest fight of their friendship/dateship/relationship/ultimate fuck buddy status.

What everyone doesn’t know is that they’re still fucking the entire time.

“One of you has to apologize,” Marshall says. He has such an irritating habit of being right about Barney and Ted. Sometimes Ted is convinced he knows they’re fucking and doesn’t want to say anything.

“It’s not going to be me, I have nothing to apologize for,” Ted says angrily.

“You never do,” Marshall agrees. “But you usually do, just to end the fight.”

Ted shrugs. “Maybe this time I don’t want to,” he says.

“You never do,” Marshal echoes.

Barney comes into the bar and sits down next to Marshall. He and Ted don’t make eye contact and carry on the entire night as if the other isn’t there. They’re last two of the group to leave, because everyone thinks if they leave them alone maybe they’ll talk, and maybe they’ll work it out.

They sit quietly across from each other for long minutes, the silence like a weight.

“You want to fuck in the bathroom?” Barney asks quietly, looking down at his drink.

“No,” Ted replies and kicks at the ground.

“Fine,” Barney concedes. “Do you wanna have sex in the alley?”

“No,” Ted says again.

“Fine,” Barney agrees. “Do you want to go back to my apartment and have sex?”

“No,” Ted says, petulantly this time, angry.

They sit in silence for a while longer.

“I’m sorry,” Barney finally says, but it sounds like he’s telling his drink that and not Ted.

Ted looks up sharply and examines him. Barney never takes his eyes off the drink, but Ted knows he’s not really looking at it. “Ok,” he agrees. “Let’s go to your place.”

It’s the longest cab ride of his life.

The next day he writes good morning on Barney’s back in whip cream and licks it off. They stop fighting and start pretending they’re friends again. Everyone believes them.

Ted even believes them for a while.

***

After that, they decide to have a secret relationship. They’ll stop sleeping with other people, they agree. They won’t make each other jealous. They won’t pretend to be friends. They’ll be boyfriends. They’re just not going to tell anyone.

It’s not like anyone besides them will know the difference.

What a stupid fucking idea.

So they try. They don’t fight. They get along and don’t talk about anything serious. It’s almost like things are back to the way they were before. Back to before Ted was getting black out drunk every other weekend to cope with everything going on, back before Barney was throwing up multiple times a day from stress.

But everyone thinks they’re doing better than ever. They decide to leave it that way.

Ted can hear the clock ticking down to the moment of their demise.

It starts after he shouts “I love you, you asshole!” and Barney doesn’t say it back, but makes love to him instead. It’s different than any of the times they’ve fucked. It’s definitely making love. It’s definitely slow, and sweet, and tender. Ted wants to remember it forever.

Things are ok for a few weeks after. They’re really back to normal, back to laughing and happiness. And that’s how Ted should have known better. How he should have known that if things were getting back to normal, Barney would be getting back to normal.

“Don’t cheat on me,” he says quietly one night with Barney tucked against his chest. The immediate tension from Barney shakes through his body.

“Don’t be an asshole,” Barney replies. The ticking noise in Ted’s ears gets louder.

“Are you ok?” Robin asks him the next day.

“I thought you were done asking that,” he says quietly.

“I thought you were done being a mess,” Robin replies.

He doesn’t know what to say. His life has been a mess since the day Barney walked into it. He’s pretty sure it will be a mess until the day he gets him out of it. Then he laughs to himself, and Robin looks at him sharply. He waves her away.

It’s funny though. Get Barney out of his life. He knows that’s not the way this goes. The way it goes is Barney walks out of his life. But he knows, that like any port after a storm, he’ll never really be the same.

***

Ted punches him directly in the face. Hits his nose hard enough to break it. It’s the hardest punch he’s ever thrown in his life. Ted worries he’s fucked up his own hand.

Barney reels back and grabs his face but says nothing. He doesn’t say what the fuck, he doesn't yell or scream or do anything that anyone else in the bar is expecting him to do. He doesn't throw a punch back. He can’t. He still has the goodbye written on his arm, even though no one can see it.

Marshall steps between them just in case but no one says anything. There’s blood dripping down Barney’s face, crawling out from under his cupped his hands.

“You should go to the hospital,” Robin says, very quietly. Barney looks at her and nods ever so slightly. She grabs their coats and they walk out together.

Ted and Marshall sit back down in the booth where Lily is. They don’t say anything. Ted orders another drink and ice for his hand and they still don’t say anything. He puts his hand in the glass of ice and stares at them.

They stare back.

“Are you going to go back to normal now?” Lily asks. Ted nods.

He’s pretty sure he will anyway. Nothing turns out to be wrong with his hand. He sees Barney two days later with deep purple bruises under his eyes like a raccoon, and a bright white bandage across his nose. He won’t need surgery Robin has told him.

“I’m sorry,” Barney says quietly. He’s standing in the door of the apartment. Robin is watching Ted from her bedroom door where Ted can see her but Barney can’t.

“It’s not enough this time,” Ted replies.

“I know,” Barney says, and leans against the door like it’s the only thing in the world that can hold him up. It’s effortlessly sexy, the way that everything Barney does is, and it goes straight to Ted’s dick. “I just had to say it anyway,” Barney explains.

“You’re a horrible friend,” Ted says.

“I know,” Barney says.

“You were never my best friend.”

Barney nods and looks away from Ted. “I know that, too.”

“You’re an even worse boyfriend,” Ted says and doesn’t care that Robin can hear. She knows. They all know by now. They know almost every sordid detail and Ted owes Robin a trip to MAC.

“That’s very true,” Barney agrees.

“I could wring your neck.”

“You’ve done it before,” Barney says, with a flick of his eyes up and down Ted’s body. Fuck him, Ted thinks. Fuck this guy.

He’s going to fuck him so hard.

He drags Barney into the apartment roughly by his wrist, and hopes he wrenches his arm out of its socket. He slams the bedroom door as hard as he can and slams Barney up against it with equal force.

“This is the last time,” Ted hisses, kissing him roughly and not caring about Barney’s nose.

“I know,” Barney says. “Why do you think I came?”

It is the last time. It’s four last times, because Ted knows he will never see Barney naked in his bed again and wants to see every inch of him. For as much as he hates Barney right now – and he does with every fiber of his being – he loves the curve of his ass and the length of his dick, loves his thin lips and short hair. He loves the arch of Barney’s foot when it’s slung over his shoulder, loves the bite of his teeth, loves the dig of his nails in his ribs, loves the way that Barney always smells expensive, like a steak dinner and a nice cognac.

But he really fucking hates Barney Stinson right now.

It’s night by the time they’re fucked out, no lights on in the apartment. Ted has no idea if Robin is still in the apartment or not. He gets off the bed and starts to put clothes on, boxers and a tshirt, because he wants to be dressed when he kicks Barney out for good.

“I love you,” Barney tells the dark.

Ted feels like his heart has been punched. He’s breathless. When he finds his voice he says “It’s too late.”

He feels Barney’s hands slide across his back, feels a kiss drop on the junction of his neck and shoulder. “I know,” Barney whispers into his ear. “But you deserved to know. That this is what happens when I love people. Someone gets hurt, usually both of us.”

Ted knows it’s the truth.

Barney doesn’t turn on any lights when he leaves. He just goes, leaving Ted in the dark.

Sounds about right.

Ted is grateful that New York is big enough that they never really run into each other, or they can avoid it if they try hard enough. After a few years, he mostly forgets about everything. He meets a nice girl, and thinks he could settle down with her. And loves her in a desperate and healthy way, and he hates himself for having to think about muscled planes and a hard dick to get it up around her. He’s pretty sure that will go away with time, as he gets used to the softness of her body and the fact that she never leaves bruises on him.

The day he stops looking for the bruises in the mirror is the day he decides to propose to her.

When he tells his kids stories about the crazy days of his late twenties, he calls him Uncle Barney. He thinks it’ll throw them off the trail, and they’ll never figure out that they used to sleep together, or that they used to call each other horrible things in bed, or that when Ted is really desperate and feels like he’s coming apart, he takes a nice silk tie and wraps it around his wrist and tugs until it hurts.

He tells them whatever, because it doesn’t matter. It only matters that they never ask him where Barney is these days. He doesn’t know the answer to that question. They see Marshall and Lily and Robin. Barney is just the stuff of legends.

Ted is pretty sure he’d want it that way.

dreamsofspike — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 06:59:15 GMT

I wrote this little piece for the dark_fest community, hope you guys enjoy it :)

*hugs*
DoS

Title: Hold Onto the Night
Beta: syniram
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Characters/Pairings: Ted/Robin/Barney
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: angst? emotional manipulation? nothing too heavy...
Prompt: This arrangement may get them all hurt...
Summary: All Ted wants is just to not get left behind - and he's willing to do almost anything to make sure that doesn't happen.

Victoria warned him that this thing they’re doing isn’t going to work.