Bamzerlime

this isn't a real post

2008-08-13T04:23:27Z

oh my sweet baby jesus, hpk (harry potter kid) just accepted my facebook friend request and one of his profile pictures is Brian Bell.
I WAS THE ONE WHO ALWAYS SAID (to anyone but him) HE LOOKED JUST LIKE BRIAN BELL (or Harry Potter, hence, hpk).

I was too busy quietly stalking him to say it to his face.
Except that time I waited around the library after school to ask him to be in my carpool. But you know, it never came up.

Four years of laughing at this guy, and then realizing I had a crush on him, and then following him around and zipping up his backpack when he forgot and put it on already.

I am so creepy.

He is so unreal.

But when we wake it's all been erased and so it seems only in dreams

2008-08-12T22:56:17Z

Hello friends. I've got just over an hour left at work, and I finished (for the most part) getting claraloona ready to go. The mood theme took me an hour and 15 minutes straight. But that was an hour and fifteen minutes I was distracted and determined at work :)

My brother is finished working for the summer but he just showed up in here and handed me my check. Thanks? I have no idea what he was doing here.

My cousins Haley and Nicole are taking the amtrak train into the cities tonight. We're picking them up at 10:30, I can't wait! It was only 5 years ago that we all huddled onto Colie's bed and I read aloud Goblet of Fire in my best HP reading voice and we laughed like loons at Pervert!Myrtle and Ceeeedric in the oven. I don't remember what made us think he was in the oven, but there was something... Anyways.

Hah! Jeremiah (cleaning shoes in the adjacent room) has his ipod playing and I hear the steady base line of Weezer's Only in Dreams.
I just told him that it's my favorite =W= song, ever. It's actually my favorite song by any artist, ever. I'm a sucker for dramatic climaxes in my music. This song sounds like sex. I'd link it so you could hear for yourself, but I don't know how :/

Okay pals. This is bamzerlime saying SEE YUH and that the next time you hear from me will be as claraloona :D

Cursed!

2008-08-12T15:32:04Z

The Coen brothers are coming to my neighborhood to film their new movie TWO DAYS after I leave for Chicago. FUCK. THAT.

Whatever, I saw Christian Bale and Johnny Depp in the flesh.

Bloomington's going to be in a mooooviiiie!!

bamzerlime @ 2008-08-11T19:07:00

2008-08-12T00:37:20Z

Even with the changing perspective, I am still going to have days like these (apparently).
And I know what brings them on. Putting things off for "tomorrow" to wake up that day and push them further, further, further away from me with restless rest, mindless reading, mindless eating, reaching and reaching for anything that will get those enjoyable (yes, enjoyable) tasks just one more minute away from me.
I know there is fear, but what of?? Sometimes I put off the exercise because I doubt that I can jog for a longish period of time, and then I think, "well what's the point of even speed walking for an hour with wrist weights...I'll do it later" which turns into tomorrow, which sometimes turns into next week. Unfortunately. But I like the walking, I like the jogging, I like the feeling in my chest the rest of the day.

Why do I insist on living in filth to put off the cleansing life I crave? It's very tiring. And annoying.

I watched the last half of Motorcycle Diaries with Claire in her attic last night and wanted to be a better person (and also wanted to cuddle Gael Garcia Bernal, but when is that any different). I'm afraid to be a better person because I don't think I'm actually that good? Eep.

How do I muster up self-love when I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror, in my mind's eye, in my friends' gazes.

I find out Audra is not returning to DePaul and I am indescribably disappointed. I wish I had the courage that day to walk and talk with her and not hide around the dead end corner (accidentally). We could have been friends, who knows, if I wasn't so convinced nobody wanted anything to do with me.

When did I become such a sad sack? I was shy, yes, but never doubted my own self-worth growing up. Fuck college, lol. No. Fuck poor choices and eating habits and miserable mindsets and hiding and backing down.
Never again will I move desperately towards the dead end dark corner. Always move confidentally towards confident others, towards risk and adventure, towards love and empathy.

A very true friend told me that if I stand up and face what I am afraid of instead of back down when it gets difficult or uncomfortable, I will find that I am a lot stronger than I think. I believe her. And I can keep this in mind.

I actually had a dream the other night about being back in Chicago and running around with Tess. Jane was only free on Wednesdays, but instead of coming to play with us she read and slept. I woke up a little bit pissed off at dream!Jane and wished like hell that real Jane was in Minnesota. Or me in Ohio. Or both of us in Chicago. SOMETHING.

I will wrap this up with two haikus and a random rant written earlier this summer on my clipboard of paper.

crap drawing skills are
destroying my chances of
drawing skillfully

crusty heels and a
crusty nose and a crusty
attitude towards life

The air is thick like the thoughts that swirl in her mind.
Hot and stuffy and always expanding, no room for sense, no room for understanding.
T.V PUSHES ANY AND ALL RATIONAL THOUGHT FAR FAR AWAY AND ALL THAT'S LEFT IS WHAT YOU CAN FEEL, BIG AND THICK, LIKE A HOT, STIFLING BLANKET, WRAPPED TIGHT ON A BALMY NIGHT, I GET IT, I KNOW IT, BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT?

little boxes made of ticky tacky

2008-08-11T00:04:35Z

I'm back! And sitting upstairs in my bathrobe (freshly showered) with my mom who is watching Season 3 of Weeds.

I have pictures OF the cabin (and a wicked bruise on my leg courtesy of Erik George) but my camera batteries are dead, so....later. Nice, relaxing weekend, indeed!

I felt like a powerful she-man (?) climbing up the rope ladder onto the water trampoline. It was a good feeling especially since Erik had a harder time with it, and my mom and Mary gave up after 10 minutes and just avoided the thing all together. I HAVE THE LEG AND ARM STRENGTH OF A COUGAR. It wasn't very bouncy, and jumping off was difficult (I landed on my side/face a lot), so the best part was climbing the ladder.

Loaded Questions is a fun game to play with your sister, her husband, and your two neighbor boy best pals. At least 75% of the time their answers for me had to do with Harry Potter.

-"Hogwarts" (Aaron: What the hell is that, something you get from sleeping with pigs?)
-Q: What national emergency would the President call upon (Rachel) for help with? Erik's A: Dementors in Little Whinging
-Q: Which celebrity does not deserve to be a celebrity? Amy's A: ~~Cliffton..something~~ The Actor Who Plays Harry Potter

And so forth. I take it all in stride.

The campfires were cozy and funny and drunky and I love looking at stars. Even with Mary George absolutely howling, "A SHOOTING STAR, DID YOU SEE IT, DID YOU SEE IT?". And that's before she was drunk, ha.

On the ride into Webster for dinner Saturday night (10 of us in the 9person suburban):
Mom: *reads a sign* Hey, a Christian Garage Sale!
Me: A "Christian Garage" Sale or a Christian "Garage Sale"? *complete with air-quotes*
Mom: Oh, shut up with the Arrested Development, I know, I'm the one who made you watch it when it was on t.v!

Crap, I shouldn't be updating when I am going to a jazz thing with Claire in a few minutes. Must get dressed!

p.s I caught up on all your entries while I ate a delicious dinner of branflakes, yogurt, and berries, mixed like a parfaitish thing. I didn't comment much, but I ♥ you all. Especially lilylines, you baldy. APARTMENTS?! news, soon please.

George-Michael, why don't you and Plant just wait in the stair-car

2008-08-08T14:41:46Z

I remember once talking to Karl about how much he enjoyed Finding Nemo.

I told him that a couple of seconds of animation on a movie like that takes a week.

He said, "Not worth it. Just poke a real fish with a stick and film it."

Man, I love Karl Pilkington. I cannot WAIT for their final audiobook series this winter. I wish Karl was my uncle. Or next door neighbor. That way we're not related, and apparently he doesn't have anything to do with his family (his parents being the exception) anyways.
He once ran into his (adult) sister in a parking lot and found out then she was pregnant. And was naively insulting about it. I LOVE KARL.

I watched an episode of AD during my core stretch this morning (remember, I've just finished watching season one and two this week and my friend at school has my s3 right now) and I've kept it going during breakfast and now while I'm dicking around on my computer when I SHOULD be packing. I just watched this episode like two days ago. It's a good one. They all are.

This is getting ridiculous though, so AD off, and I'm packing now.

Swing heil!!

2008-08-08T04:36:41Z

Well, I must admit I did try to wriggle out of tonight's swing dancing what with the nervous eating stomach ache and all, but although Madeleine went off to a movie or something, and Tyler did not respond to my text message, Claire got off work an hour early and I used that natural circumstance to help buck up my ideas about myself. So Claire and I went! We got there exactly an hour before they stopped the live music, but it was a nice little taste of The Wabasha Street Caves.
The place is honestly amazing, I want to have a birthday bash or wedding reception or something there. It's basically a castle on the outside and a posh batcave on the inside. The dance floor wraps around the brick walls and there's lots of tables throughout and a bar on the other side of the dance floor/big brick wall.

Although Claire and I were limited in our swing steps, we had fun improvising and I knew I wouldn't have been as comfortable getting my footing (hahaha) with anyone else.
But now I am pumped to go next week with my cousins Haley and Nicole, and Claire's bringing Jon, and I'm going to ask Erik and Ty this weekend, and hopefully Madeleine doesn't make other plans!

We listened to DeVotchKa and Bjork in the car there and back and it was extremely fitting for reasons we could not place. We both just felt it.

Also, I finally managed to wear one of two pairs of cello pants my mom bought this winter! Unless I am in a cello recital, it's hard to find places to wear these beasts, but it turns out swing dancing is perfect! They even hid my tennis shoes! hahah.

Claire and I went to IKEA by the mall of america instead of taking the light rail to the farmers market because we were pressed for time, since she had to get back to work. It was nice just to spend the afternoon in her company :)

I should sleep now, if I want to get up at 8 to run and pack and such before leaving at noon. I better make the most of the weekend, I've always been jealous of kids with cabins. And kayaks!!

I've yet to create a real life version of Phoenix Tears, but know cap't&Cherrycoke is not the answer

2008-08-07T18:17:40Z

Dream Update:
I tend to have a lot of dreams where I am "dating" girls but I don't ever see them, or touch them, or anything and I wonder what that is all about. Like last night I was "going out with" some bitch from the Disney Chanel and at some Disney Original Movie type premiere I was hugging the girl's sister? It was weird.
Also, I was driving on a freeway and a guy on a motorcycle was behind be with a shotgun, shooting people who pissed him off! I calmly took the nearest exit and some back roads and such but I kept seeing him behind me, even though he wasn't following me, exactly. It was scary, I didn't realize I was dreaming.
And then I was in my bed and clevermonikerr was snuggled up with me and I was telling her all about my scary shotgun dream and then she left and my cousin Haley showed up, and the Disney Bitch's little sister whom I hugged before, and I was annoyed by the sister and anxious to get out of my room, and I can't remember what happened next, but I woke up and it was 9:30 and time for a blackberry wheat pancake :)

Claire is on her way to pick me up, we are going to the farmer's market downtown :) It's so nice and sunny outside.

Work got all confunded last night but I took a relaxing breath and rolled with it and it was really great. I read all the sheets my talk therapist gave me on Tuesday about letting go of the need to control, and detachment and I typed a 6page word document following the questions and steps about detaching from food, and not being such a control freak and it was basically the best feeling (but calming) thing in the world. A lot of it is from AA...pamphlet type things, but it certainly applies to other areas. It's all a form of addiction, right?

I went through all my word documents in the halfway house (with no internet) and found

Possibly the most frustrating feeling in the world (of a nearly 19 year old girl) is that unsatisfied, insatiable hole that builds and gnaws in and around the abdomen.
Unquenched by food, water, chocolate (though it would always SEEM to be the solution), movies, books, conversation, a bath, a shower, a nap, a creative act of creativity, a walk around the block, a walk around 6 blocks, a steady jog, nor a reckless and tear-streaked run.
The only foreseeable solution is affection from another human being, and ultimately affection from within.
Fuh kein difficult.
I always head straight for the chocolate.

When my mom or Chris Spong isn’t around, who else can I go to for a random hug that says, “I see ya, I hear ya, I love ya, here’s a warm body.”

Have a nice, relaxing weekend everybody! I will be at a cabin (my dad's work friend borrowed us) with the George family, so no internet but lots of reading and swimming and kayaking!

You're Killing Me Buster!

2008-08-06T04:28:52Z

Oh man I need to go to bed. What a strange feeling day. I slept until 10:30 (but last night I was talking with Madeleine until almost 1am), mowed the lawn, read in the hammock, showered but didn't dress until my talk therapy appointment this evening, which was excellent. No tears! I felt really good sharing my strengths and weaknesses (which Jane, Mad, Lark and Claire provided like the magnificent pals they are) and I think Leslie was shocked at how I was able to work my "cognitive behavioral" skillz so suddenly. Kick ass!

I left my bike at Mad's when she gave me a ride home, so I stopped by to pick it up tonight and ended up hanging around for a bit. I'm glad because Jonas came over soon after and he is a treat. Always.
Jonas: So my last day of work (Life Time Fitness Club) is monday. It'll be great to be done!
Madeleine: What are you going to do with yourself the rest of the summer?
Jonas: Oh I'll probably be at the club most of that time. Working there has surprisingly cut into my work outs.

(This kid spent 4-6 hours working out a day during the school year. He wants to be a psychologist and the only male cheerleader on his college's cheering squad. He was born in Switzerland and speaks fluent French. He wore tighter jeans than me when we were in 9th grade. He is allergic to everything and gets taken to the hospital at least once every year at summer camp because he manages to accidentally eat a nut-related food somehow. He looks like Adrian Brody, only Swiss. He's quite the character, and Janie, if you do end up marrying him, good freaking luck. ...Perhaps I'll end up with his younger brother Sacha who looks like Colin Farrel and let's me play with his Harry Potter locks. For Sirius.)

They are a strange, yet endearing bunch.

I'm excited about my new AD mood theme! But FUCK is it a lot of work to get set up. There is always a problem with every step, I find. I'm still fixing some glitches here and there. It's going to be hell to do it all again when I add it onto claraloona (because it's not freaking showing up when I try to choose it on that account). Good think I work in the canteen tomorrow and have internet access plus 6 hours to figure it out :)

It's like a mind puzzle, an awesome mind puzzle!

2008-08-04T21:41:43Z

I am watching the last disc of Arrested Development Season 1 and eating my second bowl of Bran Flakes, yogurt, and berries for the day. Yum.

I went to Target and the library earlier instead of hiking with Lark because she's got a bum knee and a drum set to sell. Sisterhood will be great tomorrow though :)

Target did not have red tights (BAH) so that puts an end to my Thursday night swing dancing outfit (I know, my life is dreadfully messy and complicated, eh?)
I watched two episodes of Flight of the Conchords when I woke up and did my floor workout stuff. It's a little ridiculous. The songs are in my head all the time and now my brain is ~~speaking~~ thinking in a Kiwi-a-gogo accent.

My only plans tonight are to jog, bike and listen to The Dark Knight, and read in the hammock. Woot!

Where am I? Am I in two-thirds of a hospital room?

2008-08-03T05:26:53Z

What are these dreadfully boring camp scenes in Deathly Hallows that I apparently missed?
There is not a single word in those books that bores me.
Even the string of Albus, Severus and Potter had me laughing (and awwing because he looks like his dad and fuck yeah Harry for having a big happy Weasley family with horribly sentimental names!)

Ron Weasley is my best friend even though no one calls him The Weasel

2008-08-03T01:25:48Z

I surprise myself with how much I enjoy Steph even though in high school I heard nothing but bitchtastic and drunktastic things about her. She’s always been hilarious, but who wants a hilarious bitchasspunk for a friend.
Me, apparently.

It’s a bit surreal to show up to work and be chatting with that girl and my brother. Who’d a thunk?

Thursday evening Claire Anderson (the doll) and I put on our evening best (a thrift store summer blouse for she and green tights plus the Save Ginny shirt for me) and took the light rail to the Triple Rock Social Club for Harry and the Potters’ HUGE summer tour UNLIMITED ENTHUSIASM Expo ’08 with Uncle Monsterface and Math the Band. We were immediately greeted by Paul himself (Harry Year 7)—he gave us names tags with our birthdates written on them. There were cupcakes and caramels galore for HP’s birthday (what is he, technically 28?) and I registered to vote with help from the good folks at the HP Alliance. I also bought a tshirt (the same one was yours, spellotaped !) Claire was in shock and awe of our surroundings. The place looked mother flippin excellent.

Unclemonsterface was lively and fun, but kids were pretty statuesque. My shoes were off and in Claire’s bag 15 minutes after hitting the dance floor. That’s the beauty of old tights. Math the Band was sooooo not what I was expecting but the most energetic threesome I have ever seen in my life. There are few women in the world I would turn for, but I would gladly spend my days in a lezzie-embrace with the gal playing the synthesizer (or what the hell was that?!) in MtheB. She sounded so much like Regine from The Arcade Fire that it nearly gave me a stroke. And her moves! Claire and I could not get over how fantastic she was to watch. It was like double-time aerobics and air-bike riding and all around flailing while still playing this machine!

When H&thePs took the stage it was pandemonium. We were singing, we were dancing, we were jumping and screaming and clapping when handclaps were required, we were SWEATING up a storm, and generally embracing the fact that we were at Camp Jump and Yell with HP fans of all ages in all kinds of getup, with noise makers for the bday and wands for the poking, and the knowledge that we would not be seeing these sexymanwizards (they are 21 and 28 I’m fairly certain) until 2010 at the earliest :(

Claire told me afterwards that she had so much more fun than she was expecting to have (I’m going to take this solidly as a good thing, lol. It’s not like she was dreading it. She was all set to road trip to the Yule Ball with me last winter, remember!)

Rewind to 20 minutes before Claire arrived at my house and we find me taking a scissors to my hair, yet again. Oh god. It was a mess, and when Claire showed up she helped even out the back..sort of. Oh it was a short, flippy, mess tamed slightly with a velvety head band, but I have to admit, it felt GOOD to shake the short mane around when dancing. I am not cut out for long hair that frizzes out and sticks to me when I am hot and bothered.

My mom and brother and Betsy (Matt’s girlfriend) were impressed that I (and Claire) did it ourselves, and thought I should leave it but SAINTS BE PRAISED last night after work I ran into Great Clips and young Stacy who used to shave her head in high school turned it into some semblence of an actual style that I can run my hands through (I honestly feel like Harry Potter and I sort of really like it) and not fuss with. Go Stacy!

Maybe a picture later, but remember DanRad’s hair in Goblet of Fire? Mine is shorter than that. Quite a bit shorter.
I talked to Lark during my 12hour day in the Halfway House yesterday and ze labia lady plan is as follows:
Tuesday I race from my doc appointment to Lark’s house for dinner with the mama’s and the Ladies. We attend the midnight showing of Sisterhood 2(I know I know, but you’ve got to understand, in 10th grade we were weirdly obsessed) and probably an overnight at Lark’s will take place before she kicks us out bright and early when her friends from Middlebury arrive and I have to go to work.

Fantastic News Flash: The cabin us Hoeft’s and them George’s are occupying next weekend is 10 measley miles from the Cabin where Lark’s fam and Midd pals Liz and Lisa will be! CAN YOU SAY MARGARITAS AT PAM’S?!?! The only time Erik and Lark have met, Erik was in heavy make-up. (He was Marius in his high school production of Les Mis)

[Bad username: naeelah] , I anxiously await your Breaking Fail thoughts in bullet form. I love your sparkle t-shirt :)

When I get home tonight I am going to run and watch Sid and Nancy starring Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious. Has any one seen it? It is wonderful or terrible? (I realize now that since I can’t post until I get home-to an internect connection--and finish watching it, this question is almost pointless except for the fact that I’d still like to know your thoughts, so…wonderful or terrible?)

Ah I have been here nearly 4 hours and I have 8 left. Luckily I brought 2 Georgia Nicolson books for LIGHT reading, Conscious Living by Gay Hendricks (I know I know shut up), and I think I left the second disc from Flight of the Conchords in my computer yesterday. So even though I watched the entire series yesterday I may watch a few again today, if my books give me trouble.

That reminds me, when I left Great Clips yesterday Stacy called me Yoko and I went home with Bret singing in my head, “I’ll take off all my clothes for you, providing that’s what you are into.”

♥

2008-08-02T05:01:25Z

Proper update tomorrow, I promise, but I am listening to Song for the Death Eaters on Harry and the Potters' myspace page and it makes me feel weirdly nostalgic and makes my heart expand. I am reminded immediately of jumping around in my kitchen burning muffins because I can't stop dancing til the song is over.
I love Paul and Joe DeGeorge, I love JKRowling and I love Claire. Happy Birthday yesterday to Jo and Harry, I'm glad C and I got to celebrate it in style with Harry year 4, Harry year 7 and some of their (his?) coolest, most energetic pals.
God, HP, what would I do without you?

Fuck you, Steve Kloves!

2008-07-31T18:12:34Z

I'm sorry shocolate, I'm trying to trust Evanna and Yates, but DAMN IT STEVE KLOVES, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ALL THAT RESEMBLES HARRY POTTER!

In other news, I stayed up late last night *salutes Jane* and felt all dreamy and excitable and high on life from my little room, but woke up this morning feeling odd and unfocused and lacking something. lol unfortunate how that works. But now I am watching The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Lamar Burgess is in it! It's weird to watch him speak French and not shoot Colin Farrell in the kidney.

I made a new LJ account yesterday at work and mailed in my $25 for a paid account today, so I'll be setting that up soon. claraloona is much better than my poor combination of bambi, weezer, and a crap shade of the color green.

My cousin Nicole (and most likely her sis Haley) is/are taking the Amtrak train into the cities Tuesday the 12th so she/they can chill here with me until we all go camping that weekend :D
I'm so excited. It all was thought up and came together yesterday. Unfortunately, Erik cannot come to our annual Canon Falls camping weekend because his 2nd cousin or something is getting married :(

Four years ago, mom picked Matt, Erik and I up from camp and was dropping Erik off at home when:
Erik: So what are you guys doing later, want to hang out or something?
Matt: Erik, we just spent 7 days together at camp.
Rachel: We're going camping right now anyways. Amy and dad are already up there.
Erik:...can I come?
Mom: If you can pack a bag and ask your parents in 15 minutes or less.

When Erik hopped out of the car at the campsite the first thing my dad said was, "I didn't bring enough food!"

Raise your hand if you're ordering the Collector's Edition of The Tales of Beedle the Bard
*waves arm above head*

Claire's coming over soon before we attend UNLIMITED ENTHUSIASM at the Triple Rock Social Club. Happy Birthday Harry! Give us a song :)

shower time.

ftw

2008-07-30T00:33:46Z

I just joined a twilight community to read the last book's spoilers that uponadream posted and I think people should shut the fuck up about The Deathly Hallows epilogue because ~~Harry deserved it all and would sentimentally name his kids that way~~
WHAT THE FUCK STEPHANIE MEYER. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I don't know what I expected.

*leaves twilight community*

Sunblah's are not contagious

2008-07-29T20:36:50Z

The hike yesterday was fabulous. So fabulous in fact that Lark and I are going back to Afton State Park (in Hastings, border of MN and WI) next week and picking a different trail.
We walked down to the St Croix river and the beach was just..like a dream. And this nice couple was all set up with their little beach umbrella and glasses of red wine, and we took their picture, and GUH. Lark and I speculated on the possible joys of their life :)

I MISSED just driving on freeways in Lark's mini listening to Tegan and Sara on a HOT day with the wind whipping through the windows. Working with her was the best summer ever.

I went with Sara to Arc last night because she didn't want to go by herself. It was long but we each found a few good (cheap!) things.

I had an ick night sleeping on the small living room couch (bro had a fever and got the guest bed. It's too hot for either of us to sleep upstairs) and eating too many slices of peanut butter-honey-cinnamon toast.

This morning I did my core stretch routine, walked just over 5 miles watching part of Lars and the Real Girl, and just got back from a walk around the neighborhood with Amanda. And I'm biking to Sara's bonfire tonight (45ish minutes total). So I do feel better about the toast.

Anyways. Going to Stepbrothers with Jamie soon--it's become a natural thing now, any time Will Ferrell puts out a movie, no matter how rotten, Jamie and I go together and manage to have a good time. I think the last one I really truly liked was Elf. But still. Jamie :)

I work 12 hour shifts tomorrow, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. That's 8 hours over time for a 4 day work week!

CLAIRE GOT INTO WESTMINSTER and is studying in London this winter/spring!! Go Claire!!!!!!!!

I've been in this odd tidying up mode. Not cleaning, not organizing exactly, just...exactly tidying things up. I wonder where it's coming from and how long it will last? It's not necessarily bad, but it feels more compulsive than natural--and I don't like that.

I had the best bike ride the other night, listening to The Dark Knight. When the sloping hills match up perfectly with the climaxes of my favorite songs, oh..it's just perfect.

I'll try to update about more than what I am doing from day to day. You know, thoughts, opinions, feelings. Some other time. I can't concentrate.

Huh?

2008-07-28T05:27:39Z

I am restless. hear me roar.
Megan and Lark and I watched (ha) Planet Earth tonight because they were not happy with the TEN BILLION movies I brought for them to choose from because I did not want to go to the movie rental store.

Lark and I are going hiking tomorrow. I have no idea where, she is in charge. I'm really excited though.

Claire's sister and mom came with to ARC and it was a whole lot of fun--I found FABULOUS things including a hammock chair for TWO DOLLARS that I am determined to hang in the living room of our town home this year. Ceiling fees be damned! It's amazing.

I can't sleeeeep. I must sleep. I want to get up at 7 to jog outside. I set out a banana, the baggy of chopped walnuts, and the wheat n' honey pancake mix so I don't forget to make BANANA WALNUT WHEAT PANCAKES after my jog tomorrow.

So many plans and so much nonsense, and I can't manage to write about anything that is not surface-like in here. Unless I am unhappy and sticky and gross, and who wants that? Not me.

Rollwithitrollwithitrollwithit. I'm enjoying being home, in my own house, with my own town, with my comfortable friends whom I adore. But I'm also looking forward to being in the big scary city with my other adorable friends and my goals and my hopes and my fears. Yes, even my fears are calling to me in an alluring fashion.

I can't make sense of things. At all. Every thought that is worth contemplating zooms past much too fast for me to make sense of it. What was that brain? Slow down, and repeat please.

Ah fuck it, I'm going to bed.

Curse you! shakes fist menacingly

2008-07-27T14:19:48Z

I had a dream about distant Chris Spong last night. This hasn't happened in a couple weeks, probably months! Yes, at least all summer. But I know it's because at work yesterday I was reading my journal instead of writing in it.

My aunt got the journal for me around easter (2007) I think, so it starts in April and it was interesting yesterday to read how at first there were little sentences here and there sprinkled into the rest of my woes and throes about Chris telling me a funny story, or seeing him at the track meet and chatting for most of the time (that particular day I was tagging along with Sara and Madeleine who were watching their boys. So I was relieved to see my buddy pole vaulting and kicking everyone's ass at the 400--also relieved that he finished quickly and sat with me the rest of the time). Anyways it was interesting to see it go from that "hum dee dum dee dum" to, WHY THE FUCK WON'T HE LOOK AT ME? in a matter of pages.

Senior all night party was worth it, but my fears were not unfounded. I was very happy with my manner of dress, and quite content with the group I went around with. Whether it was all of us, just me/Corey/Lark, or Spong. I finally found him at the Target Center as we were loading the buses, and he held out his fist but I said, "no let's hug" and he basically lifted me off my feet and spun me around. The only picture I wanted was of the Labia Ladies and we got it---saw Melissa! Lark's told me three times now, "she really likes you, Rach" Yeah! Mel is awesome, I think Meg, Mick, and I should hang out with her this summer. Bus ride was quiet. Outside it was such a beautiful night! .....(skipping a conversation between the L Ladies)
...Palm reader told me I desperately want to express myself but don't know how. Tarot card woman said my life will be about a high moral code, and justice in the sense of knowing which side to fall on, and the good I do in the world. I was immediately reminded of Harry Potter! The only thing she had wrong was that teasing was what I had to go through to gain my new, amazing heart and push forward...but who ever teased me besides Matt, which I've long since gotten over. It was more feeling inadequate and ignored. I saw Chris in the casino and we did nascar driving together, and then he hugged me again from the side while we were walking back to the main area, so I grasped his arm going across chest (Ooer) and gave it a squeeze.

I MISS MY FRIEND on Wednesday August 15th 2007 Felt good after my bike ride yesterday evening. I filled the empty house with The Science of Sleep soundtrack and invited Sara over. She was going to have a bonfire so I showered and pinned up my cool new skirt and wore my velvet black shirt and my hair was making me happy (and Madeleine as well), so no insecurities on the usual front. Kevin Casey is just as funny as M and S have told me, and I am content to just sit by a warm fire on a cool summer night. And Chris and Abby are pretty funny, and pretty cute. But what the hell happened to my buddy who tells me stories and gives me hugs? The three times Chris has been utterly indifferent towards me have been with Abby by his side (Orch banquet, his open house, the Hilgert's house earlier in the summer).

And Claire and Madeleine were fairly quick to point that out. But as I said to them, why should that matter?? Chris and I are not flirtatious or anything of the sort. We are friends and he really could act like it more. I felt so morose around that fire when he wouldn't so much as look at me directly. Or acknowledge that he knew me any better than he id Jenny McCabe or Kelsey Leman. He made me feel like a world class exaggerator...full out liar! All the stories I've told Madeleine and Sara (C and I went to a different high school than M and S) about funny Chris, kind Chris, even jerk Chris. I think I'd rather he had been outwardly mean to me than so indifferent.

It felt like any conversation, relationship, contact we've ever had was something I dreamed, or made up in my head, and I was just now coming to terms with it. How dare he make me fell like that. I imagined it, around the fire, just to be absolutely sure, and I am 100% SURE it's nothing to do with bitter romantic feelings. My love for Chris Spong is sisterly at best. But that doesn't mean I can't feel angry and upset that he acts so unkindly in his indifference. I know, I keep using that word, but that's exactly what it is, exactly how he acts. Is it really Abby?

Boobah! In my dream last night I was crying really heavily but it felt good, and I had a thick envelope in my hands, and I was trying to catch Spong's eye from across this huge room with TONS of kids in it. And I couldn't and suddenly I was sitting with Steph (from work and high school) and her friend and they were asking about the envelope, which I had forgotten about and suddenly I marched over to Chris slammed it down in front of him, while he looked at me like he had no particular feeling towards what was happening, and I can't remember what happened next. In the dream we all found out what was in the envelope (even dream me didn't know until that point) and I remember thinking, "oh that's kind of funny" when I found out what was in it, but I can't remember for the life of me now! parking tickets? all the comics he drew me? I have no clue.
I've never felt good crying in a dream before.

Geez it's already 9am! I have to go work out before Claire takes me to Value Village (everything is half off which means $2 shirts and $4 dresses!)

Have a good week guys ♥

David Della Rocco is a real person? who knew!

2008-07-26T17:49:14Z

When I got home from college this summer I went through everything and put the stuff I use regularly in my room and the rest of it in various boxes and containers underneath the ping pong table in the basement.
I finally went though it all last night and decided that I am NOT bringing so much STUFF this year. I get so attached to THINGS (and not shoes or purses or cars, but OLD PIECES OF STRING THAT I THINK I MIGHT USE IN A PROJECT ONE DAY, fucking hell); I do not want to be lugging back and forth things I may or may not even look at this year.

So I am using a keen eye and a firm hand (?) when I make up my piles of junk to be stored/thrown away and junk to be hauled to Chicago.

I got up just after 8 this morning to use the car before my parents took it for the day (some distant relative picnic). I water the plants at Pam's and Pam's mother's, and there's a freeway I take between the two of them and let me tell you, Like a Dog Chasing Cars from TDK soundtrack is fantastic when you are pushing 70 with the windows down. Harvey Two-Face is still my favorite song, though.

Madeleine and I are tagging along with my parents when they see it week after next :)

I did some rambunctious dancing to just a few DeVotchKa songs yesterday before my knees starting screaming. I think I'll try to dig up the physical therapy sheet my doctor gave me when I was diagnosed with osgood slaughter seven years ago. I know it's not that which is bothering me, but still, knee exercises.

It got really sunny really quick yesterday so I DID go to the lake! It was glorious. Walked around it (2.75 miles in 40 minutes, not a terrible pace), read (that book you recommended Jane, by Aimee Bender) with my beach chair sat in the water, and swam about doing more underwater choreography---so much fun.

I am slowly getting more and more nervous about school. It's easy to sit here in my home, with my new positive perspective, and tell myself things are going to be different, I am going to be involved and participate and meet new people. But I can see myself getting to school, feeling safe and lovely in the townhome with the friends I'm already comfortable with, and not want to leave. Or at least find it really difficult. So difficult that I lose the desire to get out and do things to the crushing fear of...rejection? embarrassment? I'm afraid of something, even if I don't know exactly what. Afraid to actually do all these things I say I'm going to do and find out they are not that great, I am not that interesting? It doesn't...feel like that. But it kind of does. But I don't have such high, grand expectations for things like that, not after Leslie Edelstein's "Life is an adventure" awakening.

Oh well, maybe trying to spell it out here will help me figure it out and get past it in my heart (or head..or wherever it's bothering me!)

Weekend plans, anyone?

Ooer

2008-07-25T16:01:06Z

I was going to go walking and swimming at the lake today but it's been raining since I woke up. Dang nabit.

So instead I think I'll go feed Lark's dad's cat, jog and watch Design e2 (squared), and listen to The Dark Knight as I clean all my shit in the basement that I dumped after bringing it home from school.

Maybe I'll call Madeleine tonight. A couple days ago we laid on her grassy hill and discussed our remorse at her younger sis suddenly deciding to read Twilight because "everyone else is doing it!" Also how Madeleine wants to get rid of cars and bring back the horse and covered wagon.
"I heard on MPR that there is an overabundance of horses!"
hahaha.

I rode my bike a lot yesterday (what with work and the library and around the neighborhood) and it seriously turned heads everywhere I went. It sounds like there is an injured cat caught in my chain. And when I start braking one would think a pack of rabid geese are after them! It's ridiculous and I can't wait to get a new one in Chicago.

scarlett71177, have you ever used http://arubasoasis.com/dance/index.html for dancing shoes? I really like them. Even though I never pay more than $20 for shoes (except running shoes which are mom's responsibility thank god, since you have to get new ones every 8 months or whatever, jesus) I decided that I will use them as an incentive for healthy living! I have four weeks to lose 10lbs and then those sandals are mine! I'm going to get the plain tan ones since I am not a dancer and I'd like to wear them with just about everything.

These elegant all leather sandals are constructed of the softest and highest quality of Napa leathers. The soles may be leather or a lightweight rubber, with the latter not only great for those of you who dance outdoors a lot, but are tough enough for everyday wear.

These easy to wear sandals are handcrafted one pair at a time by Aruba who lives in the Santa Cruz Mountains in California. No sweatshops are involved here!

chika chika yeah.

Going on 9 hours...

2008-07-22T21:09:18Z

Everything has been smooth sailing, but now I'm getting antsy. Only three more hours, then I am free to peddle on home!

Ahh I keep finding myself tempted by the candy. I don't even like this junk. But it's here and I'm bored, fake chocolate or not.

New goal: No work food while at work. I brought an apple, a shit-ton of grapes, and carrot sticks today, so it's not like I'm desperate (or even very hungry).

~~Eckhart~~ Eickhoff comes to the window a couples times a day and leaves a buck each time :D White knight, indeed.

I just started The Moviegoer by Walker Percy. Can't concentrate though.

I made thirteen fucking hot dogs this morning and some kid just bought the first one.

Whaaa?

2008-07-22T16:04:49Z

http://www.movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx/?news=323909>1=28101

Seriously, what???

[EDIT] Claire: I feel like someone just told me santa isn't real!

[EDIT] phamos818: It was apparently a verbal assault; his drug addict mom and sister came to his assault trying to get money and it became loud and I think he pushed them out of his room and they filed charges. Or something. It's not like he just beat up his mom or anything.

Huzzah!
Claire, what did I say?

Rachel: I hope it's a misunderstanding or his mom is unstable or something

Although it is sad that his mom is (apparently, possibly) a drug addict.

I had a really good day today

2008-07-21T22:49:28Z

Slept in (up and about at 9:30), 30minute jog, walked around the lake, read (on my new long beach chair parked in the water), swam, journaled.

I am leaving shortly for Lark's to tag along while she and the mama's take the grandmama to the airport, and then the rest of us go to dinner.
I have not seen Lark in 8 days and it feels weird. Oh no, school year! You approach much too quickly!

It sounds like everyone's been enjoying The Dark Knight :D

What else are you crazy fools getting up to? Leave me long detailed comments about your thoughts and daily lives because I work 7am-7pm in the canteen tomorrow. If nobody updates their journals or talks to me, I might just have to read all day!

Love you all,
Rachel.

It smells like nasty hot dog water

2008-07-20T22:05:44Z

There's a bag boy running around outside the canteen window who looks like Aaron Eckhart.

Work is slow and good and I have just two hours left and I bet I'll finish my book :)
(Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver)

Just this second the bag boy (who is actually a member but wearing a red shirt like the bboys) bought a can of beer and left a dollar tip (rare) Ha!
And according to the receipt his last name is Eickhoff! Ooer!

Leave me comments cause it's slow and nobody is updating and I really kind of sort of like you guys?

Aha!

2008-07-20T15:42:08Z

After biking clear across Bloomington, chasing my pals who kept changing locations, we ended up going to The Dark Knight at 11:15pm!!! The young sir I had a crush on for like 5 YEARS was there, hahah. The anonymous young sir on my right and I sat forward on the edge of our seats for the last hour. It was apparently his first time and it was SO fun to experience his reactions ha.

Everybody liked it except one person who fell asleep, and another who said, "Ugh I hate leaving movies feeling gross like this. I used to watch the old Batman's and laugh and feel good about the silly villains!"
bitch. please.
(those two girls are not my friends, but friends of the friends I was racing around to meet *phew*)

Yes, I enjoy when Batman says, "Rachel!" in the gravely voice.