Your Pride is the Way

six months gone...

2021-05-19T16:50:24Z

I cannot believe it's been SIX? MONTHS? Since the finale?? Time is a flat circle, etc.

I've been voraciously into SPN fandom again ever since. I started a full-scale rewatch of the entire series. I have been reading reams of fic. I've been lurking on SPN Tumblr and SPN Twitter. I've amassed dozens of thousands of likes.

I decided today to change my Tumblr url/name from psycholinguistic to balefully, which I've been sitting on for...oh, six years? I finally did it!! And I may start porting all my fics to AO3 as well, if I can pick one to start with and figure out how I want to do it.

I don't really have much to say, I just wanted to Mark the Occasion, and say thanks to everyone for your amazing comments on my reaction post after 15.20, it's been so fun to chat with you here like the good ol' days.

spn!

2020-11-21T20:06:56Z

Welp.

Hi pals!

It's been almost exactly eight years since I posted a Supernatural episode reaction on this here LJ. I stopped watching the show after that—I got behind, then promised I would catch up and never leave but did neither of those things.

In the intervening years I moved to Tumblr and got deeply into One Direction fandom, but stopped being able to write not long after the band ended. These days I post sporadically on my Tumblr; most of my fannish interaction is about The Untamed and via Discord or just gchats/whatsapps/telegrams with my friends.

Of course I miss the culture of the old LJ days, and I miss being part of something the way I felt with SPN fandom back then. It's so difficult to connect the same way with Tumblr, which isn't really built for the long-form navel-gazing that was my bread and butter as a 20-something, and I always have trouble formulating responses to asks or reaching out via chat.

Anyway. The reason I'm posting now is, of course, because the SPN series finale aired on Thursday.

I cannot believe I've been watching this show for 15 years. lazy_daze and I first started watching together during the mid-season 1 hiatus, so we binged up through Shadow and then watched weekly from Hell House on. I would get up at 4 AM the day after it aired (at uni in London) and torrent the new episode as soon as it was up post-premiering in the US. Sam and I watched them as soon as possible those mornings, before lectures. I still have such vivid memories of that excitement!

I stopped watching early in season 8, as evidenced by my last episode reaction here. I just couldn't slog through it anymore; I was too much a samgirl at heart, among other things. It was a long time before I started again. I tried to catch up after season 9 aired, but I started back at the beginning of season 8 and didn't even make it as far as I had the first time.

Eventually in spring of 2016, when season 11 was finishing up, I tried one more time. There had been some buzz around really great recent episodes with a lot of old-school wincest vibes, and I couldn't resist. I started at the beginning of season 8 again, but that time I watched with valiant which was the motivation I needed to stick with it. We caught all the way up to the end of season 11—the season of Baby and Red Meat, to this day still two of my favourite eps of all time. Part of why it worked was also just that I'd had enough emotional distance from the fandom and from the show that I could enjoy it for what it was. It was awful sometimes (often), ridiculous and goofy...and poorly written. I consistently felt like Sam got shafted (so to speak) as I always used to when I was watching it the first time. But staying away from SPN fandom and just watching it with a friend was a great boundary—otherwise the fandom's obsession with Castiel and specifically with Destiel would've pushed me way, way away again. I had to actively disengage from that to be able to enjoy the show.

How sad, you know, that the SPN fandom which had once been such a font of joy for me was something I bristled so vehemently at. It was like this vocal majority was watching a completely different show than I was, and always had been. To me, it seemed like there were so many fans fundamentally misunderstanding what the show was about, and what it valued. Even if you don't ship Sam/Dean, their relationship is so clearly the point, the third main character...

I've regularly caught up on seasons of SPN after they're over since then. Every time I have I re-learn, by watching the show, that as scared as I am of them throwing away Sam and Dean's relationship as the core of everything, they don't. So many people paint Castiel as a much, much bigger part of the show than he is, and his relationship with Dean as so much more important than it is. And then I'd watch a season and be like, oh right. They're watching a different show than I am, I forgot. None of that is true.

I stalled out for a bit in season 14, I don't even really know why, but eventually caught up in time to be able to watch season 15 episodes in chunks, and then, after the pandemic break, as they aired. So now here we are.

It's over. What a wild, wild ride. I was 19 when I started watching this show, and now I'm 34. Supernatural has been airing my entire adult life. I met so many of my dearest friends through this show, I learned how to write, I grew up. I took the bad with the good. I quit when I needed to, and I came back when I wanted to.

I never thought we'd get an ending like this.

So.

Obviously, as I'm sure would be clear to anyone who has known me here on this LJ, I loved this episode. This final episode of Supernatural. I can't adequately express my emotions in words, and when I think about various parts of it too much I still burst out ugly-sobbing. This is the ending, or a version of the ending, that I have wanted since Dark Side of the Moon, way back in season 5. It's the ending I never thought we'd actually get. It's better than that, even. We've known that Sam and Dean are soulmates, we've known that they'd share a heaven the way heaven used to be set up. But having that, plus freedom, is so much more satisfying. I'm a wincest shipper, of course, and always have been, and I can't not see this episode as the ultimate wincest ending that my heart has always wanted. Just them. Forever. I can't believe it.

I have to imagine that when Jensen said this finale didn't sit right with him initially, it was because Sam and Dean didn't go out together. Which I understand! We've all been talking about a Butch and Sundance ending since season 1 first aired. I would have loved that. But they gave us JACK AND ROSE instead. I literally still cannot believe it. Is someone going to yell GOTCHA and take this away from me??? Like...I can't...I still can't process this. Did they know this was what they were doing?? THEY HAD TO, RIGHT? ANDREW "RED MEAT" DABB??? MUST'VE KNOWN.

Like yes, okay, the montage of Sam's life was ridiculous. They just had to get some JK Rowling idiocy up in there, because you can't appreciate the perfect without the flawed, I guess. Gotta always remember this is SPN. But the concept—that Dean needs Sam to keep going, to have a free and happy life. Sam misses Dean every single day. That there's never a moment, a second, that he doesn't think about him, that he doesn't wish they were together. That "always keep fighting" is about fighting through sadness and loneliness to get to be the real normal human with a small, real life that they deserved to have instead of the fated bullshit they got. That he is living his life FOR Dean. THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF.

I wish the kid weren't named Dean, I think that's silly. I wish the old age hair wasn't...that. I wish there weren't a blurry porch-woman of whom there is not a single picture in the house who is ostensibly his wife but has no identity or agency or value. Also like, did she die before him? Is that why she's not at his bedside? Because like, he dies and she ain't there and he's not wearing his wedding ring he had in the montage when he gets to heaven with his brother, so like sodignldkfmh. Was she just the babysitter? Is Dean the Younger a wishbaby...???? lol like I'm not mad at DILF Sam!!! I just wish they'd montaged him hunting more and more clearly explained whether he gave it up to have a normal life or did both (I WANT BOTH PLZ). Keep everything else vague!! I always get prickly when marriage and having babies are the indicators of a happy successful life, too, so I'd be particularly pleased if he e.g. saved a kid (or brothers!!) from a hunt and adopted him/them and raised them to be kind and smart and heroic and to love each other more than anything :(

ANYWAY.

The episode started with a full-on curtainfic, and god it was so, so good to me. Naked Sam torso and a li'l towel headwrap!! Puppydog!! It was sweet and gentle and happy and they were FINALLY FREE. I would have liked an indicator of how much time had passed here, because I want to think it was like...six months at least, since Jack became god and fixed everything. The way it went, it seemed sort of like the vampire juggalos were the first case Sam and Dean went on since freedom, and I don't think you HAVE to read it that way, but. Sam being Sad Sam on the bench thinking about Jack and Castiel implied to me that it was still fresh. (Also ow, this foreshadowing—Dean says, "You know that pain's not gonna go away. But if we don't keep living, then all the sacrifice is gonna be for nothing." OUCH!!) But yeah, I want them to have had longer together, living their lives how they wanted to, finally. :(((

I liked the old-school case, using John's journal, using Kripke and Singer as aliases, serving us nostalgia. I liked Sam saying he was going to make the vampire guy "feel every inch" heh heh heh. I like Dean saying "erotic fantasy".

I've seen some people who hate that "a nail" (excuse me that's rebar, how dare) is what killed Dean, but I really like it. They're normal now. They're not the superprotagonists anymore, and no Chuck is protecting them, nothing is guiding the outcome of the fight. "Normal" heroes do hard things and have to suffer the consequences, and now Dean Winchester is a normal hero. And just because it's a pedestrian death (or as pedestrian as a vampire juggalo shoving incident can be) doesn't make it meaningless. That Dean can die now, that he has the freedom to accept his death, is the most meaningful of all. I was talking to beckaandzac about this earlier, and how contrary to some people's feeling that this is a banal, meaningless death with no catharsis, to me it's the MOST cathartic death...uh, maybe ever??? At least in modern television storytelling, for sure. Dean has been dying and coming back to life for 15 years of this damn show. And now he gets to die, and accept it, and choose to stay dead. To rest. To end the cycle. It's so cathartic I'm LITERALLY weeping just typing this.

I don't even know where to start with Dean's death scene. This was the best acting I've ever seen from Jensen, hands down. Again, I'm teary right now just remembering it. And this is why it's so good that we got them not dying together. I am a huge sucker for life-or-death love declarations, and this is nothing if not that. That broken desperation that this is (maybe) the last time you'll be able to tell the person who is half your fucking heart that you love them and have always loved them more than anyone or anything else in the world, in the cosmos, in all of metaphysical space and time. Fuck!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GET TO HAVE THIS. I can't believe we GET to HAVE THIS. He needs to see Sam, needs to look at him as he dies. "Yeah, there he is." Christ :(((( Dean is so proud of Sam, has always looked up to him, so smart, so strong, so independent. Stood outside his dorm for hours agonising about seeing him again because he didn't know if Sam would even speak to him, and the finality of that rejection would have killed him because it's only ever been Sam, for Dean. THE WAY HE SAYS IT. "I was so scared because when it all came down to it, it was always you and me. It's always been you. And me."

And Sam says, "Then don't leave me. Don't leave me." AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! STAB ME DIRECTLY IN THE FUCKING HEART WITH A PIECE OF REBAR WHY DON'T YOU. The throwback to the pilot dialogue with, "I can't do this alone."
"Yes, you can."
"Well I don't want to."

He doesn't want to!!!!!!!!!! And Dean says, "I'm not leaving you. I'm gonna BE with you." The way he emphasises "be" in that sentence, I don't know why, but it just fucking guts me. I feel like the usual way that would go is emphasis on WITH. "I'm gonna be WITH you. Right here." And the different emphasis just changes it and makes it so much deeper and more and OH DON'T MIND ME I'M JUST TYPING THROUGH A BLURRY VEIL OF CONSTANT TEARS. He's gonna be in Sam's heart every single day that he's fighting through the pain of not having Dean. Every step.

And then :((((((((( "I love you so much. My baby brother."

Okay lol I just had to loudly sob into a pillow for several minutes but I'm back now. Sorry for just transcribing this damn scene and calling it an episode reaction but like FUCK MAN. FUCK!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MY BABY BROTHER??????? It...I'm…I genuinely am at a loss. I don't think Dean has ever specifically directly said "I love you" to just Sam like this at all before, and this is such a fucking doozy. It's also, sorry, deeply wincesty. My baby brother. FUCK, MAN. Put this on my fuuuucking tombstone

Then Sam being brave enough, in the midst of being SO DEEPLY BROKEN, to let Dean go and tell him it's okay. The gentle, soft forehead touch. Hands clutching. I was thinking, when they were leaning in, "they're so close, wouldn't it be good if they could've touched foreheads." AND THEN THEY DID. I just. I was beside myself. I'm still beside myself. The radiating love and warmth and tenderness, it's fucking unreal. Even NOT seen romantically, it's so intimate and special, but like...also...come on. Sweeping!!!!!!!! Romance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started this out wanting to be collected and at least partially coherent but here we are with all caps and dumps of punctuation and emojis; my true self jumped out. This is what it has always been. It was ALWAYS the love story of Sam and Dean. ALWAYS. I have seen my fair share of the outpouring of...opinions...re: this episode, and I just don't understand what show these people have been fucking watching. I know I basically said that earlier but I DON'T FUCKING GET IT. No one has ever, ever been closer to Sam and Dean than each other. They built themselves a family, they met friends along the way. But there was never a question that they come first in each other's lives, always. ALWAYS. And specifically that Sam comes first in Dean's life. It's truly baffling to me that anyone could read this show as touting anything other than the ultimate love being the soulmate bond between the two of them.

I didn't think they would give it to us in the final episode this blatantly, I didn't think that we would get to hear Dean absolutely flay himself and rip his heart out of his chest and hand it still-beating to Sam, but they did. And the interviews with Dabb before this episode aired, where he said he knew a lot of people weren't going to like it—he said that ultimately he had to be true to the characters, and to the story they want to tell. Twitter will like what it likes, and it will hate what it hates, but the creators' ultimate loyalty is to Sam and Dean. I just!!! That there's anyone out there who DOESN'T think this episode was loyal to Sam and Dean, that anyone out there doesn't think this is the show that they've been watching for 15 years, or that they got short-changed, or that anything here happened for shock value...I don't know what to tell you.

I mentioned earlier that I failed out the first time during the airing of season 8. I couldn't handle it because I felt like Dean just didn't care about Sam enough anymore. He didn't trust him. He was always with Castiel, and Benny, and I was over it. I was over everyone else being more important in the show, to Dean, than Sam. But here's the thing—Sam felt that way too. If I'd have stuck with it, I'd have seen the scene in the finale where Sam tells Dean that his greatest sin is that he let Dean down, so badly and so many times, that Dean turns to angels and vampires over him. And Dean is FURIOUS. ENRAGED that Sam could EVER think that. He says it's completely untrue. He killed Benny to save Sam. "Don't you DARE think that there is ANYTHING, past or present, that I would put in front of you. It has NEVER been like that, EVER. I need you to see that, I'm begging you." If I'd watched the whole season the first time, I would have heard the show TELLING ME that the core of the show has always been and will always be them, and their love for each other. How did these people who hate the finale not hear him? This is all he's been saying, every single episode, for fifteen years. It was a surprise to me that we got as much as we did as explicitly and as laser-focused as we did in the finale, but the fact that the love between Sam and Dean is ultimately the most important part of the show and one that will ALWAYS come first...that's been there all along.

So Dean died. Sam stroked his hair and clutched his body and wept and it's beautiful and makes me think of a mirror of All Hell Breaks Loose. I want a million codas of the immediate aftermath of that—him having to clean up the scene, and drive his brother's body and the kids away from that barn. And then drive Dean home, all that way in the Impala, alone. And wrap him. And build his pyre. Wanting to hop on himself, probably, but he promised. And now he has to face the long expanse of his life without Dean. Fuck. FUCK!!

I talked about the montage part earlier so I won't rehash, but suffice to say, I would've done it differently but I don't HATE it. I would be really interested in some fic about it that takes the touchstones we get in canon and makes something out of them. I love that he's wearing Dean's watch. I love the shaky misery that comes out when he's sitting in the Impala, pining. I love the mundane tragedy of living every day, all of the joys, with this background of waiting for death. He's fighting because otherwise all the sacrifice is for nothing, and because he's the strongest of them, but when his son tells him he can go, it's letting out that breath he's been holding the whole time.

I do find it soothing that for them, thirty or forty years isn't even that long. They've lived so many lifetimes. Sam's soul was tortured for 120 years in hell. A few decades of a normal(-ish) happy life is easy to fight through when you've got that under your belt, I feel. They'll be together for eternity. He doesn't know Dean's in heaven, I suppose, or that he'll get there himself, and he doesn't know that Jack and Castiel have fixed it, but Sam has always had faith and there's nothing he has more faith in than Dean, so.

I imagine the pandemic made it such that they couldn't have a lot of people back that they wanted to; the fact that Dean arrives at Harvelle's makes me feel like Ellen and Jo and Ash would have been there if not for filming constraints. I actually like the lonely feel of it this way, though—that everyone is there, but just out of shot, because it's not paradise yet for Dean. "Almost perfect," he says, and Bobby knows exactly what he means. "He'll be along." I like that time moves differently in heaven. I like that rather than go see his parents or his friends without Sam, he just goes for a drive until he gets there. That he senses that exact moment. I like the throwback to the pilot outfits, it's emosh. Although, okay, I admit it doesn't make a ton of sense. Why would they pick those outfits to spend eternity in out of any, idfk. But I like seeing it.

The way their last words in the whole series are "Sammy" and "Dean". The smiles, that hug. Sam is the love of Dean's life and he's there and they're together and now it's really heaven. And for Sam, he can finally stop pushing, stop fighting, stop being strong and missing Dean every single day, because he has him now, forever. :(((((((((( Christ.

I feel like there must be more I need to say, that I'm forgetting. I've rewatched it a couple times now, particularly the rebar scene, and it just hurts so fucking bad every time. I keep thinking this time I won't sob as much, but no. I really do think Sam/Dean is my ultimate OTP of all time, and will continue to be, especially after this. I can drift as far from SPN as it's possible to drift but they will ALWAYS be the most special. Jared and Jensen's chemistry saved that fucking show more times than anyone can count, and made something so INDELIBLE I'm going to carry it with me always. I absolutely feel like I won, like everyone who ships Sam/Dean won. I'm sad that there's such a negative tidal wave on e.g. Twitter right now, and I hope that Jared and Jensen and everyone stay away for a while, knowing what it'll be like there. They're just wrong, man. THEY'RE JUST WRONG. This finale fully honoured the legacy of the show, and of course I understand wanting to see some people back in the flesh, but there were filming restrictions, and it was just so good the way they were able to do it in the end.

So yeah. Overall, I loved this episode. It's the best ending I could've hoped for, that I never thought we'd get, and it makes me want to read Supernatural fic for the first time in about eight years.

Sorry that's so long, I guess I had a lot of feelings, to put it mildly. What better way to express them than to come back here, though! And I also owe a Sam/Dean fic to kelios which I'm about four or five years late on, and WOW am I full of inspiration to finish it now. Maybe this is what it'll take to get me writing again...

FIC: What turns on your lights

2013-05-29T00:05:06Z

So. Um. Hi? I pretty much live over on Tumblr these days (psycholinguistic!), but. mediaville wrote some One Direction fic because it is physically impossible for me to shut up about Bressie/Niall, and I sort of helped, and yes. This happened.

SPN people, despair not, I'm going to marathon Season 8 real soon and I'll be making ep reaction posts per usual. ^_^

Title: What turns on your lights
Authors: balefully and mediaville
Pairing: Niall Breslin/Niall Horan
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 9,023

Summary: "Look, this isn't like your band. I want—I want so much more than that." He clenches his jaw, looks down at his hands. "And I know I shouldn't. You're so young, and I'm—not. I'm supposed to be looking out for you, and not—feeling like this."

(this is his current twitter icon)

( Link to AO3! )

Tumbl-weed

2012-11-16T22:45:31Z

UMMMM SO HELLO THERE.

I am two weeks behind on SPN and it is very unfortunate. :( I am going to catch up this weekend, I promise! I will make reaction posts after! I will never leave you, etc. etc.!

HOWEVER I am posting at the moment to say that er I appear to have gotten a Tumblr and I sort of actually use it and stuff?? I'm psycholinguistic over there, because sadly someone else snapped up balefully and I have failed at attempting to get it off them. I WON'T GIVE UP THOUGH.

Anyway so um I am multi-fannish or whatever and tend to reblog random things and House things and Teen Wolf things and SPN things and Glee things and recently, embarrassing amounts of One Direction things?? I'M NOT SORRY! Okay, I am, I am very sorry. I just can't help it. :( My life has fallen apart, clearly. But there is a blond, left-handed, guitar-playing Irish one. He's my spirit animal. I am a lost cause.

SO YES I am still new to the ways of Tumblr but I like how chill it is so if you are into the jams I'm laying down, you should like follow me or whatever, and if I am into the jams you're laying down, I'll like follow you or whatever. :D! You can also/alternatively drop a comment with what your name is over there if, like me, you are multi-nomial and it's not obvs who you are.

In other news, I just poured a pot of ramen into a too-small bowl because I am a GENIUS and it overflowed all over my kitchen and ugh ugh ugh. Stupid stupidd stupidddddd girl smelly ramen house.

SPN!

2012-11-02T04:13:14Z

GUYS I'M SORRY BUT I COULDN'T GET THROUGH THIS LAST NIGHT. I downloaded it instead of watching it live because my reception is so bad on my antenna but I LEGIT KEPT PAUSING IT TO TRAWL TUMBLR. I WAS SO BORED :(((( Probably partially because of lack of Sam but TBH even the parts WITH Sam I was dragging myself through.

I quite like Benny in general, I guess, although of course I'm a little tired of all the Dean-centric secondary characters. His little sea captain outfit is presh and they're cool bros together. But sadly my mild interest in Benny was not enough to allow me to get through this episode in one sitting. I basically had to force myself to finish it tonight because my attention kept straying to pretty much anything else. Andrea and her outfit were awesome and gorge, too, ngl BUT OF COURSE SHE HAD TO DIE JESUS CHRIST SPN I'M SORRY I AM GETTING SO SICK OF THIS. IT IS SO FUCKING IRRITATING.

I did like Dean being about to text Sam but then stopping -- he's still SO BITTER about Sam's year off, and they keep harping on it in a way that means it's going to be An Issue in the future which means they'll address it/resolve it and I LEGIT AM DYING TO KNOW HOW THEY'RE GOING TO DO THIS. AND SAM GETTING ALL PISSY AND JEALOUS AND WEIRDED OUT ABOUT DEAN HUNTING WITH SOME OTHER GUY. Weeeep I do still love them I DO. His little ANGRY FAAAACE at the end and Dean is like half ashamed and dirty-feeling because he's a slut for vampire dick and half defiant and like YEAH WELL YOU DITCHED ME SO EAT IT. Godddd I love them.

But I'm sorry, I hate Amelia. Hate hate hate. She is the worst-written female character POSSIBLY EVER ON SPN AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING. Ugh. Also in what way does Sam Winchester buy all his clothes at Army Surplus. And what was that conversation with her in the motel and WHAT IS ANY OF THIS.

SPN!

2012-10-26T04:49:57Z

First of all, YAY WE ARE HOME SAFE! lazy_daze and I are, I mean! And of course our first order of business after a grueling 12 hours of driving was to download and watch the SPN episode we missed while camping. I don't think I did a proper reaction for the episode last week either (which I watched at Wincon!) so I will just mention what I remember of that one here, too.

WELL SO. I know there is a lot of garment-rending and teeth gnashing over Sam's desire for a normal life. I was legit almost teary when Dean told him the only thing he ever wanted was to be hunting next to Sam for the rest of his life and Sam was like ...nah. BUT! Here's the thing. After the first episode I was convinced they'd just fucked everything to hell and Sam was being written terribly and everything was ruined. AND NOW I AM NOT. Maybe it's just the magical healing powers of Wincon, but I am starting to have faith that they are going to fix this somehow. The scene at the end of the episode with Amelia and the dog in soft focus in the EMPTY park with the perfect picnic screamed false memory to me. It was so reminiscent of Dean's vision of Lisa in Dream A Little Dream of Me. I am convinced something weird is going on. And if it's not, honestly, that's okay too -- I have this strange welling up of hope that even if Sam really does want out of the life right now, he will figure out later that that's wrong and Dean has been where it's at the whole time. Every other season ends that way! I hate it and hate it and hate it and then BAM at the end it was all about Sam and Dean's love the whole time.

THEN THERE WAS THIS WEEK'S EP. Um. UM. Guys, I'm sorry, I love werewolves more than anything else in the world but I was SO BORED. Besides the occasional workplace romance comment and the spectacular Kripkeing of my Big Bang from year before last re: alpha werewolves and early generations, this was not a riveting episode for me. Tons of poor overacting, completely senseless decisions (WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY NOT HUNTING HER DOWN ALL OF A SUDDEN WHEN SAM HAD TO SHOOT MADISON IN THE FACE. THIS IS SO DUMB. JUST BECAUSE THERE'S SOME MEASURE OF CONTROL IN THE CLOSER RELATIVES OF THE ALPHA DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT GOING TO KILL PEOPLE, THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT), and totally unnecessary scenes. I liked Michael's skinny jeans. Kate was gorgeous. BUT NO ONE LEARNS LORD OF THE FLIES IN COLLEGE, SORRY. That pretty much sums that up. Not enough Sam and Dean. Although lol that Dean awkwardly asked Sam if the "awesome" thing was true but neither of them even acknowledged the office romance thing.

So yeah. On the bright side, last week I inexplicably started looking forward to watching SPN every week again, but then this week they totally dropped the ball. Who knows if my trust and optimism will hold out another week, hahaha!

SPN!

2012-10-11T02:00:26Z

HUNTER!!!!!!!!!! FROM QUEER AS FOLK!!!!!!!!! SCREECH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE GREW UP AND BECAME A PAWN SHOP OWNER!!!!!!!!!!!!

sogvndoscnv sorry, that was just an unexpected and amazing blast from the past *_*! The Wiener Hut guy is someone too, I am SURE OF IT. Also there was a Revlon commercial with Thirteen in it and I squealed irl. *_____*!!!! I miss you, House.

Anyway, I love my new place, but I have to say, my antenna gets the shittiest reception in the known universe in here. It's soooo jerky and skippy and eugh. I watched anyway, of course, but it was super annoying and I am going to DL and rewatch when I can just so I can get the feel of it when it's not all eh-eh-eh-eh.

I have to say I am actually quite bummed that they made Sam and Dean's matching tattoos uncool and unspecial by having Kevin have one too (and Kevin's mom but hers is gone so doesn't really count). Like it is just funny, now, that they are chipping away all the little joys of the Wincesters one bit at a time. PROBABLY THAT SOUNDS SUPER DRAMATIC I KNOW I KNOW BUT LIKE. No more Samulet. The advent of Castiel in general. Sam didn't look for Dean. Now no more sexy shared tattoo. IDK IT JUST FEELS LIKE A LOT RIGHT NOW I GUESS. Probably I am just depressed because of Castiel's reappearance and blahblahblah with Dean. I think part of the reason I was sort of okay with last week was because he wasn't in it hahahaha. I am going to just pretend none of that happened. WHICH IS EASY WHEN IT WAS ALL BROKEN UP AND CHOPPY AND WEIRDLY AWFUL BECAUSE OF MY ANTENNA AND ALSO WHEN IT WAS SO HILARIOUS AND CORNY AT THE END THAT I CANNOT ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT HAPPENED ANYWAY.

I do love Kevin's mom though, she's awesommmmme. Although I am irritated that her whole point was to sacrifice herself for Kevin I MEAN SPN DOESN'T IT GET OLD. SO MANY REFRIGERATORS AT THIS POINT WHY DO YOU EVEN BOTHER. I really wanted Sam to bond with her about losing her soul. :(

Also I watched an interview with Osric Chau today and he was the preshest so YAY KEVIN.

Sam keeps having scruff!! I FEEL LIKE IT MUST MEAN SOMETHING. I do prefer him clean-shaven but he is beautiful like this NONETHELESS.

I like that "A little somethin' somethin' with the locals" sends Dean into a flashback. I BET YOU GAVE 'EM A LITTLE SOMETHIN' SOMETHIN' IN PRISON, DEAN.

I kept expecting to see Bela at the auction hahaha. AND I really wanted Sam to keep Thor's hammer osdignkdlhj.

SPN!

2012-10-04T02:00:39Z

SO UHHHHHHHHH HELLO LIVEJOURNAL.

I honestly was not looking forward to this season premiere. I had been spoiled for a couple things -- like Sam not looking for Dean -- and of course was not really motivated to see it.

But!

I don't know, it wasn't really all that bad!! Maybe because I haven't been around SPN fandom all that much over the summer and I got some healthy distance from it and just don't care anymore? It is completely and totally insanely OOC that Sam wouldn't even try to look for Dean. I mean, there is no excusing it, and I will never forgive SPN for it, and that is sad, but I will deal. I mean. I understand him moving on when he thought Dean was dead and hunting was the thing that has taken everyone he's ever loved. But yeah. Sam Winchester is not going to be in this season as far as I'm concerned. This is someone else who looks like him. "I'm still the same guy," he said. Clearly he's not.

Anyway. I liked him being so insane over the dog, it was adorable. I could not care less about his girlfriend or whatever, and I am glad that when Dean called he just ran off, no questions asked. I ALWAYS LOVE A WINCHESTER HUG. And their emotional breathing and eye-squeezing. *____* My love for you endures despite your insane characterisation, Winchesters. Because I also thought Dean was kind of OOC -- I wouldn't have thought he'd be mad that Sam moved on and didn't look for him. Dean is such a martyr and has always wished Sam could have a normal life and all that, I imagined he would be manpainy and sad and alone but think Sam deserved a life. I do enjoy all the buttsex references that will surely litter the season since Purgatory is supposed to be like prison. "What we did down there was what we had to do," INDEED DEAN. AOSIGNKDSHLMSdhfdhfh.

I ALSO LOVED HOW FUCKED OFF HE GOT WHEN HE FOUND OUT SAM HAD A GIRLFRIEND OMFG I MEAN. THAT WAS PLAYED PURPOSELY JEALOUS-WIFE-Y AND IT WAS GLORIOUS. SAM WAS SO COWED AND DEAN WAS SO UPSET HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAOGNIDHKLDHOISGN. It's okay Dean, he dropped her in a hot second as soon as you were sprung from the pen!!

The dialogue in this episode was hilarious. Dean asking about Sam's girlfriend, but like. Kevin too, with his, "Myself for the girl!!" and Crowley's awkward "LOOK WE GAVE HIM A HAIRCUT..." thing.

Kevin in general was adorable, and I am glad he is back to stay, even if it was because his gf's neck got broken JESUS SPN WITH THE SACRIFICED WOMEN TO GET THE MEN INTO HUNTING MUST YOU REALLY!! But anyway Kevin is so sweet hangin' in their backseat. OH RELATEDLY how much do I love that Sam fixed up the Impala. <33333!!!

Something I HATE HATE HATED: THE FUCKING VET. What the hell was that. NO VET WOULD EVER FUCKING DO OR SAY THAT. INSANE. I MEAN. JESUS CHRIST. SERIOUSLY PISSED.

SFIONSdgkldfiodnfoh anyway. So. I guess that happened! I'm interested to see where this season goes, I suppose, but I'm really really really glad that I went into this not expecting to see Sam Winchester. Because he wasn't in it.

ETA: IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THE VET MAY HAVE BEEN SAM'S GIRLFRIEND??????????? OMFG I DID NOT REALISE WHAT THE FUCK WHY?????? WHY THE ONE THING I TRULY HATED ABOUT THE EPISODE???????

FIC: Enough of its Glory Remains

2012-07-06T03:43:55Z

Title: Enough of its Glory Remains
Author: balefully
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: NC-17
Words: 22,854

Art by salty_catfish

Summary: Every war has casualties, and Sam and Dean are nothing if not warriors. Scarred both mentally and physically, they find themselves settling into civilian life in Berkeley Springs, West Virginia among the charming townspeople, local history, and peaceful mountain views. Sam finds work at an auto shop and Dean stumbles into a job at the occult bookstore on Main Street with a familiar grimmoire in the window. Things are deceptively quiet as they patch each other up and come to terms with domesticity, the only contact with their old life a quest to rebuild Bobby's library -- until a case crosses their path, the kind they thought they were done with forever. They find themselves once again fighting a vengeful spirit as well as their deeper feelings for each other. Only one is a battle they can win.

Notes and Warnings: Written for spn_j2_bigbang. Contains casefile gore and violence. Some mental illness and physical disability. Vague spoilers for Season 7.

Eternal squishy love-filled thanks to salty_catfish, the best artist a girl could ever ask for. She went above and beyond the call of duty and kept me on track and I am still in complete and total awe of her talent. I am not worthyyyy!! Also enormous thanks to beckaandzac and valiant for the traditional last-minute overhauling of a hopeless mess, and to lazy_daze for input and email-loop-hosting! Couldn't do it without you, ladies!

Enough of its Glory Remains

Part 1 | Part 2 | Art Post

PDF version

wat

2012-06-17T00:11:18Z

Umm. So.

Randomly at work the other day I was talking to Becka about how writing for TV seems like it would be the coolest thing ever. There are people out there in the world who get PAID to WRITE EPISODES OF SUPERNATURAL. They get real-world dollah bills for what we all do for fun. Also, we do it better than they do 90% of the time, let's be honest.

In general, I am a very lazy person. There isn't a lot of work that I really, genuinely want to do. I hate obligations, and as soon as I have to do something to earn my livelihood, that pretty just guarantees I don't want to do it anymore no matter how cool I thought it was before I started doing it as a job. BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE WRITING EPISODES OF YOUR FAVOURITE TELEVISION SHOW FOR A LIVING? REALLY TRULY IMAGINE IT? I am not sure why this is only now hitting me. Probably because I am finally at an age where I have run out of excuses not to be a real adult with a real career who makes real life choices and the fact that I need to find something I won't start hating in a couple years is wearing on me.

Anyway, so I already need to move in August. I am also pretty run down at work lately and generally unhappy with the state of the company and my role and all that stuff. And I was just sort of idly musing the other day: WHY NOT JUST START THE FUCK OVER? DOING SOMETHING I REALLY WANT TO DO?

Seriously, what is stopping me from just uprooting and going wherever the hell I want and doing whatever the hell I want? I still want to be a doctor one day, but I can't apply for med school at this point in cycle anyway, and if I am unhappy at work and my lease runs out in August, WHY NOT JUST GET A NEW JOB DOING SOMETHING ELSE SOMEWHERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT? There is nothing holding me here. Why not find a job in LA toting around coffee for someone who works for someone who works for someone in the entertainment industry and just have some lolz while I figure my shit out? I could get CA residency and go to med school there when it's feasible. My sister will be living nearby soon. I could get away from the stagnant pond of my life in DC. I love to shake things up and do fun things and get new experiences, it is my very favourite, so why not do it now when there's nothing holding me here? Shouldn't I take advantage of my relative youth and do crazy shit while I still can??

ANYWAY.

So I was having this existential crisis at work and sort of for the lolz I was looking at jobs in LA, wondering how impossible it would be to find a job as a writer's assistant, and there was this hilarious yet amazing listing for live-in editorial staff at a crazy bacchanalian sex therapy institute/community and I MOSTLY JOKINGLY APPLIED and wrote about running kink memes and posting incest porn on the internet in my cover letter (SERIOUSLY! I ACTUALLY SAID THOSE THINGS!) but ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm they responded less than 24 hours later???? AND WANT AN INTERVIEW AND ASKED ME IF I WAS GOING TO BE IN THE AREA ANY TIME SOON TO COME TALK TO THEM?????

SO.

UH.

THAT HAPPENED.

I asked for a phone interview instead to buy myself some time because it is a little rash EVEN FOR ME to just hop on a plane to LA at a moment's notice with no guarantee but I am stupidly excited that maybe just maybe this could work out. I don't know. I shouldn't get my hopes up but it is kind of ridiculously amazing to imagine living in a community of crazy sex-positive artists and therapists and publishers and media personalities. It would be sort of like a fandom penthouse, I bet. SO WE WILL SEE. IDK. What is my life.

In other news, I invoked modly privilege and participated in spnspringfling this year! I wrote a fic (which is probably PAINFULLY OBVIOUSLY MINE) and also got one written for me, and can I just say!!! Red Penny was the one I received and IT. IS. SPECTACULAR. Seriously I cannot even describe to you how desperately I love it. It is exactly, EXACTLY what I wanted. Jo and Charlie are spot-on and this sucked me in and won't let me go. I want to read it forever.

And now I am going to go write some porn for my spn_j2_bigbang. \o/!

wat

2012-05-27T19:57:27Z

WHY IS THE HUGH LAURIE RADIO STATION ON SPOTIFY PLAYING ME AN ADAM LAMBERT REMIX. SERIOUSLY. WHAT. HOW ON EARTH ARE THEY EVEN VAGUELY RELATED.

...Not that I mind of course, but really now. The first thing it played me was a chapter from a Jerome K. Jerome audiobook that Hugh Laurie read.

DOES NOT COMPUTE.

UM??????????????

2012-05-22T02:08:35Z

I CANNOT.

BELIEVE.

THAT THAT HOUSE EPISODE. THE SERIES FUCKING FINALE.

JUST HAPPENED.

TO MY FACE.

HOW.

WHAT.

IS THIS REAL LIFE?????????

YOU ARE ALL FIRED.

2012-05-19T16:02:34Z

HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS.

I mean.

I MEAN!!!

I can't...I mean...I don't...sdoignaklmgpodnisfmkhodfklmhsdg. What is even going on. WHAT IS THIS MOVIE. I am confused, yet aroused.

SPN!

2012-05-19T05:53:17Z

I was at an art show tonight and only just got back and had a chance to watch the episode! Thank goodness for my tuner on my compy so I could record it and not have to worry about downloading :D!

WHAT.

WHAT WAS THAT ENDING.

WHAT.

APOSIGFNKLSMgsodfnihklfhj.sdgKMSLG.

a) WHAT separating Sam and Dean HOW DARE YOU

and yet

b) UMMMM SUDDENLY I CARE AGAIN. I TAKE IT ALL BACK. I CARE, OKAY SPN???? I CARE. THE PLOT NOW PERTAINS TO SAM AND DEAN AND HAS ME IN AN IRON GRIP OF WTF WHAT. NO. GET THEM BACK TOGETHER. SAMMMMMM OH BB ALL BY YOURSELF YOU NEED TO FIND DEAN AND BRING HIM BACK OSIFNKLEWTIODNGK T_____T OMFG.

Pant pant. Okay, so. Calm. Starting from the beginning. I enjoyed the super flirty Crowley/Dick, and I lol'd at their contract negotiations. Also I enjoyed what I assume was an Eddie Izzard reference where Castiel was covered in beeeeeeeeeeeees. I would also like 20856034860486 kink fics about the leviathans' breeding program.

OH!! WHAT THE FUCK MISHA DOING A BING ADVERT WTF. I assume this and the Vampire Diaries one are special CW-only commercials, rather than that they also air on other stations?? That makes it slightly less jarring but...still. WEIRD.

I may possibly have cheered when Dean was like NOBODY CARES THAT YOU'RE BROKEN to Castiel >:D heh heh. And been like o___O? when Meg carried on the long tradition of ridiculous SPN dialogue. "Gold star, Sugarpants!" and what I THINK was, inexplicably, "Later, homenuggets." OSINGDMKLGDG LATER HOMENUGGETS??? WHAT asdoginsg lol.

HURRAY FOR THE IMPALA COMING BACK!!! If only briefly, and driven by Meg. Oh well. *_* and The Doors A+++ would jam again.

BUT YES. THE ENDING. UMMMMMMMM WHAT. SAM. SAM BB PLEASE PLEASE BRING DEAN BACK ASAP. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU HAVE BEEN ALONE BEFORE. HOLD IT TOGETHER, MAN!!!

Soooo yes. I guess it's hiatus time now, huh? T____T WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINK??

House

2012-05-15T02:08:21Z

MY.

CREYS.

Yes, this is a real post. Do not attempt to adjust your compy.

2012-05-14T02:46:54Z

1) GUYS. I am basically TRIPPING BALLS about how intensely phenomenal my Big Bang artist is. TRIPPING BALLS!!! I do not know what I did in a past life to deserve such incredible luck, but I think it probably involved saving several busloads of nuns and orphans and kittens from certain doom. UGH WHAT MY FIC IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO DESERVE salty_catfish. I AM NOT WORTHY, ETC. Seriously I am going to have to do some extensive construction work on this sad sad fic to get it in reasonable shape so that I do not explode with shame in the face of the art. I hope my posting date is...never. I will need eternity to merit this. COME ON, SAM 'N' DEAN. INSPIRE ME.

2) The penultimate episode of House is tomorrow night D: I cannot handle it. I watched House religiously for years but then stopped after the end of season 6 and just sort of forgot about it even existing at all until I randomly caught episode 8.18 because my roommate was watching it a couple weeks ago, and it sucked me back in BODILY and now I am freaking out and peeing myself and obsessing and went on a massive bender to catch up with the seasons I missed and I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW IT IS ENDING COMPLETELY FOREVER OH GOD THE FEELS.

I have (had?) been watching House since DAY. ONE. It is completely insane to me that it is ending. EIGHT years of House, that is longer even than SPN so far. I'm not sure I've ever lived through a season finale like this before. I wasn't into Smallville extensively, so not that. I was never into Buffy when that was on. Queer as Folk was only five seasons. I feel like this is Particularly Significant for me!! And I HATE that I got bored and stopped watching because it is like cheapening the experience that I have not technically been watching it every week since the beginning, and also because when I went back and caught up I LOVED IT ALL and I was so confused as to why I stopped watching. I mean I distinctly remember how bored I was after the season 6 finale and how much I was unenthused by House/Cuddy (WE DIDN'T CALL IT HUDDY BACK IN THE DAY, OKAY??? GET OFF MY LAWN.) but I really like it a lot in retrospect.

Anyway, it is super nostalgic and reminding me of writing hilarious House/Wilson "fic" with lazy_daze during lectures and how lizardspots fell into the fandom too and recced me fic and drew art and just. IDK. SIGH. I really loved House. It wasn't perfect by any means (WHY HAVE THEY BUTCHERED WILSON, WHERE DID THE STICK-DRIVING "DR. PANTY-PEELER" GO AND WHY DID HE NEED A BALD CAP TO HAVE A THREESOME WHEN HE IS WORLD-FAMOUS FOR PHILANDERING), but it is still imo one of the smartest shows on basic cable. And I have loved Sherlock Holmes since watching several previous incarnations religiously as a child, so of course I will always have a soft smushy place in my heart for it. It is HILARIOUS TO ME that there was a spate of people on the internets who ONLY JUST NOW realised that House lives at 221B Baker Street and OMG thats liek wher Sherlock lives n stuff. Durrrrrrr.

I have been trying desperately to find good long House/Wilson fic these past couple weeks, because as you know if you have been watching, THERE ARE TOO MANY FEELS. So I have pretty much been reading ANYTHING I CAN GET MY HANDS ON, and even though I have only picked what appears to be the best stuff (with my admitedly limited knowledge of what is out there), it is all just not...quite...smart enough. It's difficult to get the banter right and the imagery right because it is such a snappy show, but also silly and medical-jargon-y and sometimes really subtle. Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard can do things with their acting that makes the crappy dialog SO MUCH BETTER than it would be just written on a page, and that is nigh impossible to capture in fic. So yeah, PLEASE REC ME HOUSE/WILSON KTHX. It doesn't need to be porn, in fact I would sort of prefer if it was not porn?? I know, I know, who am I and what have I done with Lucy, but really I just want eternal love for them :( I want clutching and glass cases of emotion but still IC and without schmoop. IT IS A TALL ORDER, I REALISE, BUT IT MUST EXIST??? I MEAN IT IS CANON, SO...

Ugh I am so panicked about tomorrow :( :( :( And next week, but rn I am like going to go to sleep weeping because I can't handle not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow. WHAT IF WILSON DIES. WHAT. IF. WILSON. DIES.

I CAN'T.

3) I have been pondering Tumblr. Should I get one? I don't even know how to Tumbl. It is such a mystery to me. I often will look at other people's Tumblrs and get sucked in and realise seven hours have passed and all I have done is stare at Sam Evans in gold shorts and plaid shirts, or perhaps watercolor paintings of birds, or gifs of the Hulk vomiting rainbows onto Ironman. It seems dangerous out there. But all the cool kids are doing it??? I DON'T KNOW. Clearly I am bad at the internet these days so probably I shouldn't attempt to keep up with yet another medium in any sort of official way.

SPN!

2012-05-12T02:03:22Z

Dean's new li'l brown leather jacket *___* SO CUTE. He was looking particularly presh for the whole episode.

I do enjoy Kevin and was glad to see him back briefly. I wonder if he'll stick around next week/if he'll come back next season?

Hmmm what else. OH, Dean clearly needs to say the word "prick" to Sam beseechingly some more, please. Heh heh :D :D :D! EMILY AND THE DADDY VAMP UMMMMMM KIND OF CREEPILY AMAZING. oisdgmkdlfh IDK why I found her saying "daddy" so compelling but. Um. :D? I ship it??

I like the idea of Bobby hanging out in the maid for a while! It would be pretty cool to see her being Bobby some more.

When the alpha was like "see you next season" INDEED osidngkldfhmfdgj,fgj way to plow headlong into the fourth wall! I hope that is true, actually, because the alpha vamp is kind of awesome and I would enjoy seeing him in s.8.

SIGH IDK I FEEL LIKE I AM GRASPING AT THINGS TO SAY??? I am just not all that enthused about the big push to the finale of this season, there is not a lot of emotional involvement. The leviathan story doesn't really tie to any sort of major Sam and Dean emotional story, so I'm like "And...??" oisdngkdlfh. I'm not WORRIED about anything, I am not like OMFG WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN????? Which is relieving in a way but also much less adrenaline-pumping and exciting. How is there only one left already???

SPN!

2012-05-05T02:02:40Z

HOW IS IT ALREADY THE TWENTY-FIRST EPISODE. That is insane!

Um, so I guess it was fine? I wasn't really...inspired by this one, much. Kevin Tran and his friend/girlfriend were cute. I approve of Castiel/Meg. I LOOOLLLLLED when Kevin was like o.O?? and couldn't understand anything Dean was saying because he was spouting the usual ridiculous SPN dialogue like "wingnuts" etc.

Sam was ridiculously beautiful with his hair and his earnest little face when he was talking to Castiel. I lol'd at Castiel and Dean playing Sorry with Castiel all like :D!! and Dean like >:0!!

I don't know, it just felt like there wasn't much to this one? Especially considering we are about to slam into the end of the season...

SPN!

2012-04-28T02:07:54Z

The nerdy guy on Nikita hating Papyrus really set the mood for spectaaaacularness! :D

SAM WINCHESTER SAID SIRIUS BLACK AND GOOD GIRL IN THE SAME COUPLE LINES. SCREAM. SCREAM. I CANNOT EVEN. OH MY GOD I LOVE CHARLIE AND I LOVE SAM AND THEY ARE HAPPY ADORABLE DORKS TOGETHERRRRRRRRRRRRR. AND CHARLIE LOVES GIRLS AND UGH UGH UGH I LOVE ITTTTTT.

Walkin' on Sunshine with the headphones on was soooo an American Psycho reference. I highly approve. Also every single thing Charlie owns and is. *_____* All her comics and figurines and t-shirts and fanart and :D :D :D UGH COME BE IN OUR FANDOM CHARLIE. YOU ARE AMAZING AND OF COURSE YOU CAN'T NOT SHIP SAM AND DEAN AFTER ALL THAT.

I CANNOT.

CANNOT.

CANNOT.

EXPRESS MY JOY AT DEAN FLIRTING WITH THE SECURITY GUARD THROUGH CHARLIE AND SAM LOLING BUT IT WAS AMAZING. AMAZING. SCREAM. SCREAM. UGH THIS WHOLE EPISODE WAS SO GREAT.

Someone got a little excited with all the panels and the timejumps and fake commercials, but it actually ended up pretty cool.

Sam and Dean wearing costumes again was spectacular, too. :D Made me think of olden days.

Charlie's li'l glasses at the end were so cuuuute *_*! and she is so badass. And I liked her with her li'l office friend too.

Overall, AWESOME EPISODE. I don't care about Bobby going vengeful (except that it means that they will probably have to put him to rest which I am in favour of) but it was such a small part of the episode compared to Sam and Dean being adorable and Charlie being amazing, I wasn't even bothered. Dick was appropriately creepy and while I think the Leviathan thing is lolarious, I was at least interested.

:D :D :D

ETA: UM. SO I LEFT THE CW ON WHILE I WROTE THIS POST AND I JUST LOOKED BACK AT IT AND THERE WAS AN ATTRACTIVE MAN IN A COLLAR AND LEASH ON ALL FOURS PAWING A SQUATTING MAN AND PUPPY-LICKING HIS FACE AND HEAD-BUTTING HIM.

WHAT.

SPN!

2012-04-21T02:21:04Z

FIRST OF ALL CAN I JUST SAY LOLOLOLOL SAM AND DEAN KNOW ALL ABOUT THE FOXHOLE THING.

I really loved Annie, she was great! The death makeup, not so much, but in general she was nice one-off addition to a solid MOTW episode. However, how come she didn't get to choose if she wanted to be a ghost when she died?? Everyone else does! Tessa is always like, do you want to stay or move on... Bobby says he ducked his Reaper, but Annie didn't even get one?? IDEFK. SPN and consistency have never exactly been BFF but it is a bit annoying sodigndkflhdfj.

I don't really have all that much to say about this ep, to be honest. We all know I don't really care much about Bobby so I can't say I was too compelled by the majority of it. Annie was way more interesting for me. Also Sam saying the word hookers. MORE PLZ SAM KTHX. Also Dean being in the shower sodingdfklhmsohnid and his widdle wet hair. I also weirdly enjoyed that his first thought when Bobby wrote on the mirror was that Sam wrote it. Like Sam commonly lurks in the steamy bathroom while Dean showers and leaves him messages sodgnidfonhofigh. I would like fic about this ASAP :D!

SPN!

2012-03-31T02:09:10Z

LOL OMFG THE WHINY WEEPY TRUMPETS OF BOBBY'S MELANCHOLY GHOST ANGST SOIGNMKDLSGHOIDNH. I'm sorry aosdnisdgni I care not at all about ghost Bobby. I was really pulling for him to be dead and for Dean to just be sad and drunk. Sigh. It's actually a little irritating that we're coming into the home stretch of the season and THIS is the dramatic ~holy shit.

I do enjoy Garth! He is sweet and I like his voice. Mr. Fizzles reminded me so much of Jericho from Oz osdigndsfgonidfgoin complete with the suddenly creepy voice. UGH OZ ILU. ANOTHER AMAZING BROTHER PAIR. CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. RYANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. Anyway aodsginmdgfm :D nice homage. I also really want to watch Wayne's World now. T_T

The drunkenness was cute but there was NOT NEARLY ENOUGH OF IT. The scene in the CEO's office needed to be like. Ten minutes longer. I MISS THESE TALKS TOO, DEAN! *_____*!!! PLEASE HAVE DIRTY SEX ON THE CEO DESK WHICH YOU ARE WATCHING ON THE COMPUTER ON THE SECURITY CAMERA.

SPN!

2012-03-24T02:06:10Z

I have been soooo worried about what it would be like when Castiel came back and can I just say...this absolutely exceeded my wildest expectations. It was ALL ABOUT SAM. This whole episode was all about Sam. And it brought back Meg, and Castiel WASN'T EVEN ACTUALLY CASTIEL for most of it. And Dean was a mess over Sam Sam Sam and Castiel wasn't actually a huge overshadowing deal. Sooooo really it was glorious. Dean's poor widdle heart having to have Castiel try to save his brother when Castiel was the one to fuck him up in the first place. Annnnnnnd now Castiel's crazy and hallucinating HIS psychotic brother and MEG IS HIS NURSE soooo. Yes. Yes. YES. I can deal with this well, I feel.

ALSO, MERRIN (?) T_____T HER DEAD BROTHER. WANTED HER TO KILL HERSELF TO BE WITH HIM OR HE WOULD DO IT. AND SAM'S LITTLE REACTION FACE TO THAT. AND THEN IT CUT TO DEAN TALKING ABOUT SAM WITH CASTIEL. I CAN'T. I CAN'T. UGH UGH UGH I LOVE ITTTTTTTTTTTT. MERRIN'S BROTHER WAS HER TRUE LOVE TOO, CLEARLY.

Sam's sad tired five-o'clock-shadowed li'l face, and his li'l undershirt and scrub pants and LUCIFER READING THE DSM IV. I CAN'T I CAN'T. THIS EPISODE. WHAT. *_____* SO SO SO GOOD. SAM SAVING PEOPLE IN THE PSYCHIATRIC WARD *_____* WITH HIS BEAUTIFUL EXHAUSTED FAAAAAAAACE.

ALSO TO TOP IT OFF, MAYIM BIALIK IN THE OLD NAVY COMMERCIAL BEING BLOSSOM IN THE LITTLE HAT AOIGNKDSHDONHIKLSH. Weep weep yes.

Opa :( and SPN

2012-03-17T17:55:29Z

My Opa died yesterday. :( It's sad, but of course it's always better that grandparents go than that they stick around when they're unwell and not really themselves anymore. My family is congregating this weekend, so that's nice, even if the reason is unfortunate.

Usually St. Patrick's Day is a big hoopla in my family, but today it is going to be full of going to the funeral home and gathering extended relatives together and whatnot. It will still be good, but probably contain only a very small percentage of green beer.

I also missed SPN last night, since I was with my aunt and uncle and cousin and my mom and ended up keeping my mom company in her hotel room rather than come home and download. But I'm home for a shower and a nap and able to watch it now! My first download I got about three quarters of the way through and then it DIED, so I had to spend a million years redownloading. It's FINALLY done now, though, so I can finish!

AWWWW TIRED SAMMY!!! I want fic based on this premise pronto, please. Schmoop with cuddling or pornpornporn with exhausting Sam in more fun ways >:D! Dean was a little blase in the ep for my tastes, but he really did care, and was big brothery, and of course doesn't know that Sam almost got smashed by an enormous truck (...again hahaha).

SPEAKING OF WHICH I WAS SO PISSED THAT THEY PLAYED BAD MOON RISING. HELLOOOOOO SPN YOU HAVE ALREADY USED THAT SONG ICONICALLY YOU CAN'T JUST RANDOMLY USE IT AGAIN FOR FUCKING AOSGNIKSDGOSING FRANK. WHO EVEN CARES. IT'S LIKE MAKING A MOCKERY OF THE SEASON 1 FINALLY CAR CRASH!!!!!!!! >:[ Do not want!!

I quite liked Frank so if he is dead, I guess that's a bummer? I don't care too much though. I really liked the guest stars a LOT this week. The real estate lady was rockin' and looked like she was having an awesome time and had an oddly appealing mouth. I'm not sure what it was!! And George was also cool, and it would be interesting if he came back sometime to lend a hand!

Now I would like to see Lucifer singing Stairway To Heaven, kthx. :D!

SPN!

2012-02-18T03:04:21Z

OMG OMG OMG YESSSSS THE RETURN OF LUCIFER AND SOIGFNDKLGDOING SAM'S CRAZY YESSSSSSS god I love it so much. And it is so gloriously entwined with Sam's desperate love for Dean. Like he could hold out and not acknowledge it until Lucifer talked about Dean dying and that started EVERYTHING. The danger of him dying just made everything that much more urgent so that Sam would rely on Lucifer helping him and jsdougnsdflghkdfohinsdkghdsg UGH I LOVE IT. LOVE ITTTTT. I cannot WAIT for more of this.

I also liked the cool witch, and how she got to be badass, and Jeff the serial killer because UM YES, SERIAL KILLERS. *___*! It felt like kind of a throw-back episode in general, which I always loooove. Having Sam come rushing in to save Dean is always welcome, espesh these days where like every single episode they really seem to dig into how much Sam cannot deal with Dean dying. Like, CANNOT. It is kind of delicious to think about just how batshit crazy Sam would be at this point if Dean DID die.

aoisdgnsdfklgdfohnidfkhdfh SO YES. GREAT EPISODE *_*!

:( :( :( poor puppy though :( :( :( Also I could've done without the fat jokes. But still, in general for the Sam/Dean love, A+.

SPN!

2012-02-11T03:01:15Z

THE BALL-WASHER DID IT.

WE GOT DICK ON DICK.

SOFINLKTEOgmkislfdonifghkdfh lol foreverrrrr. It was just literally yesterday I was talking about how when I was a kid Chuck E. Cheese was my worst nightmare and I hated it and couldn't stand being there and was freaked out to the point of tears by the animatronics even though I love skee ball. And also how the pizza is terrible. CLEARLY SPN IS PSYCHIC. MOST TOPICAL EPISODE EVER.

Also Sam's li'l face and lovely lovely hair and general bad-cop-slash-freaked-out-slash-glittered-up presence on my screen was like mana from heaven. *____* OH SAM.

AND THE WHOLE ENDING. WHEN DEAN WAS LOLZING AND IT WAS WRITTEN ALL OVER SAM'S FACE THAT IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WORLD TO SEE HIM GENUINELY LAUGHING T_____T LIKE I LEGIT ALMOST TEARED UP. AND HE GAVE HIM THE SLINKY T____T I CAN'T EVEN DEAL. GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. WEEP WEEP WEEP LOVEEEEEEEE.

I really needed that little jolt of joy and hope at this point in the season, I think. Just what the doctor ordered <33333!!