kind to a fault.
Pairing: layhan
Genre: angst/friendship
Rating: PG-13
Length: one-shot; 7,109 words
Summary: Yixing forces a smile despite his bruised hips and Luhan pretends like everything is okay despite crying himself to sleep every night because perhaps their incapability to be selfish does more than just destroy themselves.
Warning: Wow, so this started out pretty well, and I thought that it would come out very nicely. And I was painfully wrong. LOL. Prepare for some word vomit. ;AAA;
(this is crappy, but it's also dedicated to our favorite unicorn, yixing. ;3;)
“It’s not your fault, you know,” the older man murmurs, hesitant voice breaking through the silence. “Stop blaming yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Yixing pulls at his hair in frustration, head bowed over in anger as he fights the angry tears that are streaking down his face. “Of course it is. We all know that it is so there’s no point in you trying to delude me into think otherwise.” The soft, gentle tenor of his voice shakes under the weight of his burden, and his dear friend feels his heart knot itself within his chest. Underneath the fluorescent light of the dorm room that the younger man is sharing with Jongdae, his hair looks strange and unearthly. And while others would probably comment that the unnatural hue makes him almost look radioactive (especially when taking into consideration the harsh way in which it contrasts with his pale complexion), Luhan would always insist that, if anything, it looked more like an angelic halo that served as proof of the younger man’s purity.
And even though Luhan has never really considered himself to be the religious sort of fellow, he’s knowledgeable enough to know that angels just aren’t meant to cry.
So he shifts awkwardly in his position on Yixing’s bed in order to engulf him in a one-armed embrace, “Yixing, stop it. If you push yourself this hard and continue blaming yourself over nothing, then all you’re doing is making yourself sick.”
“I messed up the choreography, Lu,” he mumbles. “The company says that all I’m decent at is dancing and I can’t even do it right. If I had performed better, then we wouldn’t have gotten yelled at by the manager after our performance. The group is what matters: not me.”
Luhan parts his lips instantly in order to refute these statements, but he’s cut off when the younger man suddenly falls back onto his bed with a defeated thump. “I have to practice more. I’m doing it all wrong and that’s why I can’t improve. I need to go to one of the training rooms.” And he continues to whisper these tired promises of dreamed progress as his tears continue to drip down his face, ruining the makeup that he hasn’t even bothered to remove. “I need to practice longer next time. I have to take less breaks.”
Then comes the broken whisper, “Ge, please help me.”
And despite his original stance, Luhan finds that he’s torn between logic and emotion; common sense and flawed judgment. Because he knows that Yixing needs his rest and that Yixing is only hurting himself and that Yixing is flawless, impeccable, perfect. All he wants to do is wipe his face of the makeup and sweat, tuck him into bed, and sing him a familiar Chinese lullaby as he watches over the young man to make sure that his suffering – the suffering that he constantly forces himself through – fades away into nothingness through the world of sleep.
But Yixing refuses his rest and Yixing refuses to allow himself time to heal and Yixing is convinced that he is the epitome of failure holding back an otherwise faultless group from an unreasonable expectation of excellence.
And Luhan knows by now that the only way to see Yixing happy is if he abides by the younger man’s wishes and all Luhan has ever wanted is to see Yixing smile at him like he does on the rare occasion when he’s truly happy: it’s what the elder has found himself striving for, breathing for, living for.
So he isn’t surprised when his words dissipate from his chapped lips to be replaced with the automatic, “Of course, Xing. Anything for you, Xing.”
The younger man shoots him a smile – pained, forced, fake – before struggling to rise up from his position.
(Luhan doesn’t miss the way he winces and immediately reaches for his waist in pain.)
“Thank you. Let me just get dressed.”
Although he knows that it’s probably inappropriate to do so, Luhan doesn’t take his eyes off of the frail body before him as he undresses. He silently takes note of the black and violet marring porcelain skin and the angry slashes of crimson red lining his upper thighs without batting an eyelash because Luhan feels that it’s his fault for not looking closer; not stopping him sooner; not being a better friend.
(He sheds a quiet tear but quickly wipes it away when the younger man turns to face him with violent shades of purple decorating the areas below his eyes and whispers that perhaps it would be best if they make a move before their manager realizes what’s going on.)
---
With Luhan’s help, Yixing is able to get the energy shots that he had been eager for and easily slips into one of the SM practice rooms. He insists that it would be alright for Luhan to go back to the dorms without him since it’s likely that he’ll be a while, but the older man refuses to leave his side.
“It’s okay. I need the practice, too.”
And Luhan, in all honesty, doesn’t think that there’s a point in additional practice because he knows that in a matter of hours, all twelve of them will be piled up in this very room, slaving over the very same choreography for hours until they’re called to prepare for their next performance. But he feels that he needs to suffer as Yixing suffers because Yixing isn’t meant to suffer, so maybe by doing this, Luhan will be able to lessen at least a small component of his burden.
It’s the least they can do.
The music starts and the two fly into position: Luhan robotically moving to the tiring beat of the music and Yixing suddenly springing to life in order to make sure that he properly hits every beat.
They don’t stop until three o’clock in the morning when Yixing slams a fist into the glass mirror, cursing his lack of coordination and sloppy transitions. He hides inside his oversized hoodie and pulls at the sleeves in agitation, and it doesn’t take a genius to know that if Luhan weren’t present, he would probably behave at a much more drastic level.
Luckily, Luhan is.
Without a single word, the older man moves to restrain his friend from potential injury before forcing his hand into his own and quietly guiding him towards the exit of the building where they can hail a cab back to their dormitory.
There is a sizable group of fans that begin to squeal as they see the two idols exit the building, and Luhan immediately feels himself tense up. There’s a clawing sensation at the back of his mind telling him to try and run away, but Luhan knows that doing so would be incredibly irrational – not only because the company insists that they have to act normal and casual whenever they see their fans, but also because he knows that he can’t just leave Yixing behind as he tries to selfishly make a run for it.
He feels himself trembling as he forces a smile for all the cameras, but the itching feeling that a part of his conscious has decided to possess doesn’t go away.
It scares him, but he pushes forward, knowing that he has to be strong.
Luhan hails the first cab that he sees and rushes inside, not realizing how heavily he had been breathing until he buckles his seat belt and the driver begins his course back to their dormitory.
He’s lost in his own thoughts, still trying to calm himself down after the situation (he doesn’t know when he became like this, because he knows that they’re just a bunch of girls that practically worship the ground he walks on, but for some reason, a strange fear has settled in whenever he’s confronted with the issue of others forcibly entering his personal space and he doesn’t know what do about it because he’s scared that the paranoia is beginning to consume him), and it isn’t until Yixing speaks up that he’s snapped out of his reverie.
I’m sorry for dragging you all the way out here. I’m sorry for making you stay up all night with me when you’ve already mastered the entire setlist. I’m sorry for being such a burden to you, Lu, because I wish that I could be anything but that but no matter how hard I try, it seems that that’s all I’ll ever amount to. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
And Luhan shushes him with the genuine assurance that everything is alright and that he doesn’t care anyway as the younger man drifts off into a hesitant slumber in the back of the taxi.
---
They arrive at the dorm after twenty minutes of driving, and Luhan tentatively wakes Yixing – not because he wants to disrupt the sleep that he knows that his friend barely gets, but because he knows that he, himself, is too fatigued to properly carry the younger man all the way up to his room. The dazed boy allows himself to be guided through the maze of hallways, and despite Luhan’s best attempts at opening the door to the dormitory as quietly as possible, he still manages to wake one of the individuals that had fallen asleep at the kitchen table.
“Where have you guys been? The manager has been worried sick.”
Luhan looks at Wufan with tired eyes before bringing his gaze to stare at the man draped around his shoulder that is already half-asleep.
Words don’t need to be spoken.
Wufan assists Luhan in carrying their friend towards his shared room with Jongdae: both of them wincing when they accidentally brush one of Yixing’s injuries as they hear him quietly hiss in pain. They lay him to rest on his bed and are both thankful that they manage to not wake Jongdae.
“He’ll be alright now. We both need to go to bed as well.”
Luhan shakes his head dismissively, “You go on ahead. I think that I’ll stay here a little while longer.”
The younger man parts his lips in order to form an argument, but despite his status as leader, it doesn’t change the fact that Luhan is still older than him and there’s only so much he can force him to do without feeling completely rude and improper. So with a sigh and a contemplative ruffling of his own hair, Wufan assents, “Just make sure that you get some sleep, too, alright? I know that you’re worried because trust me, I am, too. But hurting yourself over his pain isn’t going to help anyone. If anything, it’ll just make him feel even worse about himself when he wakes up.”
He doesn’t expect any sort of affirmation of his words because he already knows that he won’t get one.
Once the door shuts, Luhan allows himself to slip into Yixing’s bed and sits with his back against the headboard. The younger man has curled himself up into a ball because of the cold temperature of the dorms, so Luhan isn’t particularly surprised when he turns to cling towards his leg, knowing that all Yixing wants is an affirmation of warmth.
And Luhan knows that his heart isn’t warm enough to satiate this fallen angel’s needs, but he can still try.
He whispers the lyrics of a Chinese lullaby as he strokes the short hair on his lap and watches over his frail form in his sleep.
---
“What are you doing here so early?” comes the faint whisper, so sudden that it almost sends Luhan jumping out of his position on Yixing’s bed.
He turns to see Jongdae peering at him curiously under the dim light of the sunrise from the opposite end of the room. It’s clear enough to Luhan that he’s bewildered by the random appearance of the older Chinese man and is likely jumping back and forth between conclusions, so he quickly translates an intelligible response in his head. “Yixing wasn’t feeling very well last night, so I figured that it would be best for me to watch over him while he slept in case he needed anything.”
The young man’s eyes widen in surprise as he whispers, “I didn’t even realize that he was feeling sick. Is that why the two of you disappeared last night? To get some treatment?”
Luhan knows that the logical thing to do would be to tell Jongdae the truth of the matter because it only makes sense that Yixing’s actual roommate should be aware of the other’s internal struggle, but he finds that he can’t properly form the words to relay the bitter reality of the situation. He can’t help but wonder why since his Korean has always been the most fluent and smooth when compared to the other Chinese members. He can only assume that the true reasoning lies behind the fact that he knows that anyone else’s knowledge of the matter would only make Yixing feel like he was burdening others even more. And this assumption is made mostly because he doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that maybe he likes being the one that Yixing turns to whenever he needs help or is troubled.
Wufan may know more than he lets on, but he never directly says anything, so it’s highly likely that Yixing isn’t aware of just how obvious his secret is to those who are willing to look.
Without another moment’s hesitation, Luhan responds with a vague “Yes, that’s right. I had told Wufan before we left, which is why he had stayed up until we returned after you guys called it a night. I hope that he didn’t have too much trouble with the managers – if they even realized that we were gone in the first place, that is.”
He can’t tell what Jongdae thinks of the lie because, in all honesty, Luhan has never been particularly close to the fellow singer and is therefore unable to properly gauge his minute reaction. All he knows for sure is that the younger man manages a low sigh before raking his hand through his hair and mumbling that maybe it’s time to wake Yixing up so that he can take a shower now in order to avoid the traffic later.
Luhan immediately refutes the suggestion with the insistence that Yixing needs his sleep and that he’ll wake him up in time to shower before the others so Jongdae should just go ahead and take the liberty of being the first one to make the advance.
It’s clear that there are unspoken words on the younger man’s tongue, but he bites them back with a light nod before he grabs a towel and heads off into the bathroom.
---
“How long were you up last night?” comes the hushed question in native tongue as the two slump side-by-side on the dusty couch of the dormitory. Judging from the nature of his tone and his general lack of curiosity, Wufan already knows what Luhan’s answer will be before the words even part from his lips.
Luhan lies anyway.
“I went to bed soon after you did.”
The younger man scoffs at this statement, shifting his weight to allow himself to sink more into the old sofa as he mutters, “You’re just making the situation worse, Han.” Said individual rolls his eyes himself, though he isn’t sure if it’s because of the coming lecture or the uncommon reference to his name. “You know that if Yixing finds out that you’ve been missing out on sleep because of him, he’ll freak.”
“Then we’ll just have to keep this a secret then, won’t we?”
Wufan shoots the older man a glare. “Look, this isn’t the way to go about his problem. You may just be prodding at the situation right now, but knowing you and knowing your feelings for Yixing, it won’t be long until you’re pushing yourself into a personal situation that he doesn’t want you to meddle with. You need to learn boundaries, Han.”
The comment makes Luhan flare with anger and he can already feel the tips of his ears turning a bright shade of red. However, he somehow manages to maintain his composure as he’s fully aware of Sehun and Kyungsoo’s questioning glances in their direction, obviously curious as to the secrecy of the conversation since they can’t understand a word that leaves either man’s lips. “My feelings for Yixing are the feelings that one friend would have for any other if he knew that his comrade was suffering. I know what I’m doing and I know that what I’m doing is right. If I don’t do anything then no one will and Yixing will just keep on hurting himself like this. I don’t understand how you content yourself with silence like this when you know just as well as I do how much he’s suffering.”
“And who says that I haven’t done anything?” Wufan counters. “Just because I’m not as obvious as you are doesn’t mean that I don’t care. Yixing knows that I would do almost anything for him, but he also knows that I know how to say no to him as well. That’s the difference between the two of us, Han. I act in the best interest of his health while you act in the best interest of his happiness. And unfortunately, where Yixing is concerned, it’s impossible to simultaneously have both.”
Luhan is desperate to come up with another rebuttal of sorts, but finds that nothing seems like a proper argument to the younger man’s words, which probably infuriates him even more.
“Why do you think he always asks you for help and never me, even though he knows that I have more weight in the company than you do?” Wufan continues. “It’s because he knows that you’ll do anything in your power for him, Luhan. It’s because he knows that you’ll give up anything and everything if it means making Yixing happy. It’s because you’ve lost your rationality to this worrisome nature of yours and he knows it.”
Despite not necessarily being bothered by his statements, the fact that Wufan makes it sound almost like Yixing is taking advantage of him sends his senses into a fury once more. “You’re just pulling excuses out of your ass now, Wufan,” he snarls. “We both know that Yixing would never use anybody like that – especially his best friend. He just doesn’t know who else to ask for help because no one else is even trying to reach out to offer him their assistance. I’m all he has right now, so of course I’m willing to give up whatever it takes to give him whatever he needs.” There is a beat of silence as he struggles to calm himself down, noting that the two Korean members are whispering to one another in hurried, fretful tones. In a faint whisper, almost as an afterthought, he adds, “Yixing doesn’t deserve to suffer. I know that you know that as well, Wufan. Yixing is too good to ever have to suffer through anything so.”
The fierce expression that had formerly consumed his features has been replaced by a pitiful one and Wufan feels whatever annoyance that had taken over his thoughts instantly dissipate. With a sigh, he awkwardly averts his gaze away from the older man in order to stare at his feet. “I know, Han. I was just pointing out a possible scenario. But it’s not likely at all. He used to ask me for help in sneaking him out to the practice rooms every now and then as well, but I’m assuming that he just felt guilty for constantly asking me after a while. He would never take advantage of anyone’s kindness on purpose. It was silly of me to even contemplate such a possibility.”
Luhan nods halfheartedly in agreement with what he had already determined a fact quite some time ago.
The bathroom door opens to reveal Yixing in his towel. He blinks in curiosity at what is obviously an uncomfortable atmosphere before offering a fragile smile, “Thanks for letting me shower alone this time, guys. I know that it cuts into our time constraints considerably, but I think I really needed it this morning.”
Luhan and Wufan are quick to assure him that the matter wasn’t burdensome at all, and as though they have caught on to the situation as well, Sehun and Kyungsoo quickly throw in befuddled words of their own.
As the pale figure disappears into his room to change, the four give each other slightly awkward looks before Wufan finally mumbles, “Well, let’s get moving then. Shall we?”
There is a muttered agreement as the four move towards the small shower and cram themselves into it, Kyungsoo muttering that Sehun better help him wash his back this time while the latter whines about how he doesn’t want to touch him and Wufan assents to the task in order to shut them both up.
Luhan’s glad that Wufan volunteered because he knows that he wouldn’t have.
They all flinch at the frigid water and Wufan mutters something about how it’ll hopefully prevent any unforeseen erections this time around.
The other three men laugh awkwardly.
---
That night, Yixing finally confesses to Luhan that he’s been worried sick about the latter as he’s been acting strange. The claim catches the older man offguard, and when he asks the dancer to elaborate, he becomes frustrated when he realizes that Yixing can’t find the right words.
“Is it something I’ve done?” Yixing quietly asks after a few beats of heated silence. “You’re becoming agitated with me as well, right? I’m sorry, Lu, I’ll work harder to improve.”
But Yixing has it all wrong because that’s exactly what Luhan doesn’t want him to do, but Luhan knows that he can’t say that because it might only upset the younger man further. He exhales a deep sigh before lightly punching his friend’s arm, “Don’t’ be silly, Xing. You’ll never be a problem to me. You’re fine just the way you are. Come now; it’s getting late. We should get some rest.”
The words aren’t enough to satiate Yixing and Luhan knows that. But he’s running out of words to say because it seems that he isn’t even properly fluent in any language at all.
A part of him is scared that if he leaves Yixing’s side for a moment while Jongdae is out doing something with Junmyeon, the younger man will do something irrational. It makes the older China man flinch when Yixing pulls him into a tight hug. “It’s okay, Ge. Everything will be okay.”
It doesn’t make sense to Luhan because he’s perfectly fine and it should be him trying to reassure Yixing. He isn’t sure how the tables have suddenly been turned or why they’ve suddenly been turned, but he decides to say nothing.
“You should get going. I’m sure Minseok Hyung has been wondering why you haven’t been sleeping in your room with him lately. I’m sure that he’s just as worried about you as well.”
The statement sends alarms ringing in Luhan’s head because he’s fine so why is Yixing worrying about him? Is he trying to kick him out? Politely tell him that sharing a bed with him has become uncomfortable now?
He doesn’t realize that he’s started to tremble until Yixing pulls away from their embrace to look at him curiously, “Lu?”
“I’m okay,” the older man quickly insists. “I’m okay and I want to stay here. Minseok won’t mind. Minseok understands. I want to stay here.” I want to stay here so that I can watch over you. I want to stay here so that I can protect you. I want to stay here so that I can chase away the nightmares and fend off the demons that try to eat away at your mind while you sleep because I’m the only one that can do it. I want to stay here because I want to stay with you.
But he doesn’t say any of that aloud so Yixing never becomes aware of it.
The younger man frowns but there is an obvious spark of something that Luhan can’t name in his eyes as he shakes his head, “Don’t be silly, Lu. I know that you haven’t been sleeping well, and that’s my fault since my bed is too small.” His rationale is silly and childish because they both know that the size of his bed has nothing to do with him at all. “Your eyes almost look bruised from all the lack of rest. I know that all of the members are getting worried as well – and if you haven’t heard about the fans’ laments, then I think that they’re all right when they say that you’ve really been out of it.”
Luhan shakes his head quickly because that doesn’t make sense and he doesn’t want Yixing to worry about him because that’s ridiculous because Yixing already has enough on his plate and shouldn’t have to worry about something as petty as Luhan’s health.
No, that’s supposed to be irrelevant. It’s unimportant. Luhan himself isn’t even concerned about it.
“I’m okay, Yixing, really.” He doesn’t know why he’s still quivering because that definitely doesn’t strengthen his argument. But when he quietly implores his body to stop, it seems to have no intention to do so.
The slightly shorter male doesn’t look convinced at all, and it isn’t long until he lightly takes Luhan’s hand and leads him through the door and towards the latter’s actual room.
Minseok is obviously surprised at the sudden intrusion of the room that he had – for the most part – been living alone in for the past week, but once he realizes that it’s just his dear friends, his wide eyes are coaxed into a joyful smile. “Hi, Lu, Xing.”
Yixing mutters a kind greeting as well, and though Luhan knows that it would only be polite to mumble one as well, he finds that the words aren’t coming to him. His mind has gone blank – save for the continuous worries that he’s done something wrong and that he’s screwed up because now Yixing is trying to push him away and that’s not okay because if Yixing pushes him away then Yixing will be all alone again and Luhan refuses to let something like that happen.
The younger man lightly pushes Luhan so that his elder is sitting on top of the bed with dazed eyes. Yixing sits beside him and begins to fret about him – are you okay, why are you acting so funny, you haven’t been yourself lately and I’m really worried – but Luhan finds that he can’t really focus on the words so he just tunes him out and continues to fret in his mind. It doesn’t make sense that Yixing is worrying about him because he’s worrying about Yixing, and it’s silly for them to go back and forth like this.
Which is why Yixing needs to stop making up these false problems in his head because Luhan knows that Yixing is just pretending that they’re there so that he doesn’t have to focus on his real problems.
Because Luhan isn’t a problem. Luhan is a solution.
He has to be.
Luhan doesn’t realize how long he had been consumed by his thoughts until he realizes that Yixing has redressed him in his pajamas and is gently tucking him into bed with a string of prayers flowing forth from his lips.
He wants to call out for Yixing to come back when the younger man stands up from his kneeling position by his side to go back to his own dormitory, but the words don’t come.
The tears do instead.
He silently thanks Minseok for deciding to not say anything as he drifts into the world of sleep with tears scarring his cheeks.
---
They come back from practice a few weeks later with Wufan poking fun at Zitao to what seems to be Yixing’s amusement as Luhan lingers a distance behind them and allows Minseok’s words to drift through his ears. His eyes are drooping because the previous night offered him no solace at all.
It’s not particularly enjoyable.
Their manager was asked to drive f(x) to a broadcast that they were to be attending so that means that, unfortunately, the older man has arrived both late and parked a considerable distance away from the building due to the congregation that had gathered by the front. However, by taking a back route, they’ve been able to (for the most part) escape the prying eyes of their slightly more obsessive fans.
Of course, a good thing can only last for so long.
When their group turns a corner, they’re attacked by a throng of what seems to be more like animals than actual people.
Bright lights flash directly in each of their faces while sharp nails claw into their skin in attempts to steal away parts of their essence for safekeeping. Luhan feels someone pry the bracelet that he had been wearing from around his left wrist and doesn’t even blink an eyelash. A particularly aggressive individual shoves him particularly hard against Minseok, yelling something in Korean that is so frantic that the foreigner is unable to properly register what has been said to him. He mumbles a glum apology to the shorter man beside him for almost collapsing over him, but isn’t able to hear whether or not a response has been received.
The hairs on the back of his neck have already stood up a long time ago, and though he feigns a casual persona, every flash and every touch and every whimper directed towards him makes him want to flinch.
But he has to act strong.
He’s doing a particularly good job at this until he hears Baekhyun cry out in anger and frustration from the front of their group. The intensity of the shout is enough to make Luhan instantly snap out of his reverie, and he feels his heart drop to the ground when he’s able to finally register what has happened.
He forgets that he’s never supposed to push back against the fans or treat them in any way that could potentially be described as malevolent as he fights his way through the crowd in order to help the band member that has fallen over.
---
Luhan knows that he shouldn’t be so surprised to find himself sitting on the edge of Yixing’s bed while the latter lays and tries to hide his face from Wufan who is giving him a strict lecture.
“You know that you shouldn’t be hiding injuries like this from anyone – not just because it’s bad for our entire group, but because we all care about you and hate seeing you like this. There’s no way that all of these bruises are from your fall today. And what about the scars, Xing? What have you been doing to yourself? Why haven’t you told anyone about all of this? I knew that you were suffering, but I didn’t know that it was to this extent.” The young man throws a hand through his dyed locks in agitation before finally allowing his expression to soften. “Look, Xing. We all care about you and we all want to help you. But I’ve known you for years now and I know you well enough to know how much you hate worrying others. So I’ve refrained from saying anything even though I want to, and I imagine that the others have been doing the same – well, for the most part. But if I had known how far this had gone, then I would’ve stepped in sooner.”
There is an awkward silence as Wufan runs out of words in which to lecture the younger Chinese man with, and without knowing what else to do, he lightly takes a seat on the bed as well.
Unspoken thoughts linger throughout the room as each individual chooses silence over expression until Yixing croaks, “I’m sorry, Ge. I didn’t want to burden anyone. You each have your own problems and I don’t deserve to be one of them.”
“Stop saying things like that,” Luhan grits through his teeth. “Stop saying that you aren’t worth anything because you’re worth so much, Yixing, but for some reason, you’re not allowing yourself to see any of it. You’re choosing to blind yourself to your accomplishments – which is nothing short of ridiculous. And no matter how hard we each try to show our individual appreciation for you, you push us all away with the insistence that you’re not ‘good enough,’ even though you’re one of the best of us.”
Wufan senses that this conversation is about to get a lot more personal than he had intended – which really says something because he had already imagined that the conversation he was getting himself into would be much too emotional for his personal comfort. He has the mind to shift awkwardly in his position as Yixing slowly rises from his face-down position on the bed to stare at the oldest individual in the room.
“And what about you? Look at your health. You’ve been neglecting your sleep and proper eating habits. You toss and turn in your sleep while mumbling about your fear of crowds and your nightmares of falling and then wake up and assure everyone that you’re fine. Minseok says that you cry yourself to sleep every night and he doesn’t know why and I didn’t want to bring it up because I knew that you didn’t want me to.” The accusation sends Luhan flushing scarlet and Wufan really wishes that he could somehow sneak out of this conversation without being too obvious. “Aren’t you being a bit hypocritical as well? I only want the best for you, Lu, but you won’t even give yourself the best that you deserve.”
“Well, you deserve it, too!” Luhan shouts. “Why are you blinding yourself to your wellbeing and only worrying about mine? Look, Xing, I’m not the one that needs the help: you are. You have a problem, Xing, and running away from it like this isn’t going to fix anything.”
They’re both becoming frustrated with one another now, and Yixing angrily stumbles out of his bed in order to pace to the other side of the room in an attempt to calm himself down. “You’re talking as though you’re not doing the exact same thing to yourself, Lu.”
The older man blinks in incredulity at the statement.
“You’re becoming paranoid and you’re stressing yourself out and it’s eating away at your sanity. You keep telling me that I need to focus on myself, but how am I supposed to do that when my best friend is spiraling downward before my very eyes? Physical injuries are nothing because physical injuries are something that everyone can see and can – for the most part – be easily treated. But mental and emotional scars take even longer to heal, and it’s harder to get help for those. You expect me to allow myself the audacity of selfishness while just blinking a blind eye to your suffering?”
Luhan doesn’t know what to say and Yixing exhales a breath that he hasn’t realized he’s been holding. He’s never been good at confrontations, but he ignores the way his body is trembling by focusing on the clenching and unclenching of his hands instead.
“In my opinion,” Wufan hesitantly starts, desperate to assuage the intensity of the situation, “You both need to learn how to love yourselves before you can begin to worry about someone else. I understand that you both care a lot for another, but this is getting out of hand. Your individual kindness is what’s killing you both.”
The words hold an obvious truth in them: both Luhan and Yixing are aware of it. However, they refuse to come to terms with the statement and that much is clear from both of their expressions.
Wufan lets out a low sigh before standing up himself. “You know, back when we were younger and had yet to debut, the three of us were inseparable. Perhaps the two of you more so than the three of us, but I remember that at the end of the day, we each had to watch one another’s backs because all we were were the three Chinese kids in a highly competitive Korean society. And we were bullied and we were teased and we were told by other trainees that we were worthless, but we ignored them and overcame that. I remember that we each had our own worrisome nature, but beyond all of that, there was something much more powerful: the desire to succeed. And while we each wanted one another to succeed, that didn’t change the fact that we were competing against one another and there was a chance that one of us – if not all of us – would fail. And hoping for our own success didn’t make us selfish back then, did it? So now that we’ve all hit that success, is there anything really wrong with keeping the mindset that we possessed beforehand?”
Both of his fellow singers don’t know how to respond so they don’t. Wufan just shakes his head sadly.
“You’re each losing yourself to some imaginary guilt that shouldn’t be there. You’re both forcing yourself to suffer because you’re scared of disappointing the other. And while it’s okay to care for someone to the extent that you put their happiness before your own, what right do you have to try and love someone if you don’t love yourself first? If you keep beating yourselves up like this, you’ll only continue to trouble one another, and you’ll each continue falling further and further from the light because you’re trying to grab for someone that’s falling with you. That’s the real problem here, and the fact that neither of you are choosing to acknowledge its existence is what really worries me.”
No words are spoken as Wufan slams the door behind him when he leaves, and Yixing and Luhan don’t know what to do other than sit on their opposite sides of the room and contemplate the words of their friend.
They both feel a little silly when the situation has been worded that way and they both think that maybe this is supposed to be the part where they each apologize to one another, but they quickly decide that doing so would be useless, so they settle for continuing to say nothing at all.
It’s still silent when Minseok and Jongdae enter the room and awkwardly usher Luhan out. It’s clear that they’re both curious as to what happened to the infamous inseparable pair to make them act so foreign to one another, but as soon as Wufan hears them whispering about it, he snaps for them to shut up.
No words are spoken at the EXO dormitory for the rest of the night.
---
The next day, Luhan and Yixing each wake up at the crack of done – not to speak to one another, of course, but instead, to wake Wufan and ask him for his guidance in checking them each in to get help. They’re both surprised at the fact that they had come up with the same idea without consulting one another, but neither decides to remark on it.
Wufan seems proud of the fact that his monologue the day before was enough to inspire his two friends into at least trying to move forward in order to solve their problems, and surprises them both when he suggests the idea of taking the manager’s van and just going for it now since their schedule doesn’t actually start until sometime in the afternoon. His two friends are appalled by this idea, thinking that Wufan had always been the angelic voice of reason within their trio, but don’t remark on it. Instead, they share a short, collective laugh before quietly sneaking out of the dorm room.
---
“Where did you even get these keys, Ge?”
The older male puffs out his chest a little in pride as he smirks, “Well, what do you think I do when I’m in Canada?”
“I was almost positive that all you did was go out with the rest of your nerdy Asian friends to really lame arcades to try to beat the twelvies’ high scores,” Luhan deadpans.
“… Shut up.”
The eldest shrugs, “We both know that your escapades to Canada have nothing to do with the car keys at all, Fan. Those are just the dormitory’s keys. We’re probably going to end up hailing a cab since Wufan here didn’t think this whole idea through.”
Yixing bursts into laughter and Wufan flushes a bright shade of red, and all three China men file into the taxi.
---
Luhan still believes that it’s a little silly for him to be sitting in a therapist’s office as an old man with more nose hair than actual hair continues to ask him probing questions about his feelings and his family history and his personal thoughts. He believes that Wufan is silly for actually being right about something for once because the younger man is too proud of the fact to actual shut up about it. He also believes that at one point or another, some obsessive sasaeng fan is going to come out of nowhere and tell the world that the acclaimed singer is seeking mental help for problems that are in his head, and prays that Wufan will be right about the level of secrecy that the institution provides.
Unfortunately, Wufan is never right about anything when Luhan wants him to be, so all he can really do is pray for the best.
Luhan doesn’t believe in stress or his problems or the fact that maybe he should believe in his stress and his problems because they’re the reasons why he’s in such a mess. He’s not as religious as he should be and he doesn’t believe in things that he should because somewhere between here and there his faith has been shaken.
But even though Luhan doesn’t believe in angels, he believes in Yixing.
So even if he feels like a rat underneath a microscope as he admits to things he thought he would never have to admit to in front of a man who looks like he’s old enough to be Luhan’s dead great grandfather, he’s willing to push through it.
If it means helping Yixing, then he’s willing to do anything.
a/n: whelp, i tried. pmsl. i like how things opened up, but i think that things began to go awry when i shifted more focus towards luhan's character instead of keeping it balanced between the two of them as i had originally intended. for some reason, wufan always worms his way into my stories lolol
anywho, comments are much appreciated. i'd love to see where you think i could improve or where you think i messed up. i plan to come back and edit this more when i have more time and my amhist essay isn't guilting me from it's corner of my desk.
thank you all for reading! c: