Billy Boyd

badboybilleh @ 2004-01-26T23:23:00

2004-01-27T00:28:58Z

*Billy sits watching TV and drinking bucky (he's regressed, okay?). Ewan is still in the cupboard, trussed up in a binbag*

Och, this is the life!

*suddenly, there's a bang*

What the - ?!

*bangbangBANGbangHELP!!!*

Er...*turns TV up*

Mustae been a wiring default.

badboybilleh @ 2003-12-28T12:12:00

2003-12-28T12:15:20Z

*stumbles back from the pub into the hotel, and hammers on Orli's (now, of course, Craig's) door*

ORLANDOOOOOOOOOO!!! LEMME IN MATE, I REALLY NEED TAE USE THE LOO!!

ORLI?

WHAT ARE YE DOING IN THERE? IS THAT AUSSIE POOF IN THERE WITH YE?

THE TOILET SITUATION'S GETTING KINDAE DESPERATE OUT HERE, MATE!!

Ach, fucking idiot.

*hammers again*

ORLANDOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[in a bag, in the luggage hold of an aeroplane somewhere between NZ and Australia]

2003-12-24T11:57:52Z

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

*turbulence*

zzzzzzzzzzzungk...ow...*mumblemumble*mmmmDommiemmzzzzzzzzzzz...

*more turbulence*

zzz*crashsplintersmack* OWJESUSFECKINGCHRISTMYFECKINGHEID!!!!!

WHA'?!!!

WHERE AM I?!!!

HELLO???????

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO???

DOM? LIJ? ORLI?

WHY'S IT ALL DARK?!

ANYONE?

WHAT'S THA' FUNNY SMELL?

*dead silence*

*more turbulence*

*tumblethwack* AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!6

OCH, I SAY, HELLOOOO???!!!

*silence*

anyone? help? please?

new shoes?

2003-12-20T21:27:58Z

i feel pretteh.

aaach, my heid.

2003-12-14T18:19:29Z

Well, we've been back in NZ for, what, a week? And we're still nae further tae putting our master plan into action. I think it's about time we made a stand.

*picks up phone and dials Orlando's number*

(to himself) The bastard better be up for this, or I'll...I'll...mope in the corner, probably. Och.

*Orlando picks up the phone*

[LA Premiere]

2003-12-04T00:25:15Z

Fuckin' hell. After the NZ premiere the other night, I thought Dom and I had come tae some kindae - agreement, I suppose. Now though, look at the bastard!

He's all over Elijah like I don't even bloody exist...no' impressed, Mr Monaghan, no' impressed at all.

I'll just stand here and stare at my photo o' us in the car. All happiness must pass. It's at times like these that I really miss my bagpipes.

Orlando doesnae look too happy, either. Maybe he's missing his 'Snicky'. Gawd, that must be the worst pet name ever.

*sigh*

Get a grip, Billy, got tae look ~~hetersexual~~happy for the cameras.

*cheesy grin*

Go get 'em, lad.

premiere time!

2003-12-02T04:25:29Z

Och, I finally managed tae get tha' bloody woad stuff off, just in time for the Premiere.

Which, I have tae say, was pretty damn good. Mainly due tae the fact that the_pr kept dom and lij separate for most o' the time. They even let me ride in the car wi' Dommie! It was so exciting :D

look, here we are together. I dunno why Dom kept leaning so far out; it's almost as though he's trying tae get away from me. ~~Perhaps the fact that I kept copping a feel had summat tae do wi' it.~~

the_pr gave me this twirly ribbon tae play with. It would've gone well with the woad, come t' think of it - maybe it was a mistake washing it off. I should have been a majorette.

Och, but then they made me sit next to Elijah. At least he'd found a new jacket, the other one was really starting tae pong. I had tae hold my hand over my mouth to stop myself frae outing them, I don't think New Line would have been too impressed.

I think Dom's got competition. Maybe I should have a wee word wi' Liv about upping the ante there - she could provide a good distraction from Dom, maybe:

Viggo attacked me. I thought maybe it was one o' those robots, but smacking him in the head on the red carpet might have been courting controversy a bit too much. Would have been fun, though.

This is what it's all about. Our love is sae undeniable, you know? I'm taking this tae show ~~our~~my grandkids.

[in the lobby]

2003-11-28T13:33:21Z

*Billy is painted bright blue. in one hand he holds an imitation sting, in the other, some bagpipes made out of a showercap, a drinking straw and some chopsticks*

Och. This is it, my break for liberty.

*he marches up to the staffers hanging ominously around the lobby doors*

Billy: Oi, you lot!

Staffer 1: Is there a problem, sir? *sycophantic smile*

Billy: Aye. Well, no' exactly. It's just -

*he waits until he has their attention and then lifts up his kilt*

Staffers: AAAAAAAAARGGHHHHHH! *turn away, hiding their eyes*

Billy: It's amazing what a wee bit o' woad can do, you know.

*he runs through the door and out of the hotel*

Billy: FOR FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

badboybilleh @ 2003-11-19T12:37:00

2003-11-19T12:44:13Z

scene: billy is standing on a beach at sunrise. the mournful sound of badly-played bagpipes drowns out the seagulls' cries. in fact, several of them have minor cardiac arrests at the noise and plummet into the sea like stones.

oops.

billy resumes playing. suddenly a figure appears in silhouette at the top of the sand dunes. it waves madly, hopping up and down.

dom? DOM!!!!

billy drops the pipes and runs towards the figure, who scrambles down to the beach. cue cheesy, swelling music as billy and dom run towards each other in slow-motion. the moment is broken slightly when billy trips over and lands flat on his face, kilt flying up to expose his, er, nether regions.

balls. quite bloody literally.

he gets up and the music reaches a crescendo as dom and billy meet in an enormous embrace.

dom: oh billy, mate, i've realised my love for you after all these years! i can't live without you any more! come back and you, me and elijah can make sweet hobbit love together for the rest of our lives!

billy: you're on, mate.

fade to black.

suddenly, the music crackles and turns into a persistent, ear-jarring beepbeepbeep.

gnnnanngh

he wakes up and smacks his alarm clock, which falls off the bedside table. a spring pokes out with a depressing gloing.

i fucking hate mornings.

he reaches for the phone

that's it. i'm going tae ring dom.

[Sir Ian finishes with a flourish]

2003-10-20T19:59:09Z

Sir Ian: Well, that seems to be about that!

Billy: *a wee bit worried* Are ye sure it's okay? I mean, will Dom like it?

Sir Ian: I'm utterly convinced of it. *proffers a mirror* Do take a look, dear boy - after all, my efforts in making you look so FABULOUS must be appreciated!

*Billy takes the mirror*

Billy:</b> I hope you're right...

[clad all in black]

2003-10-15T22:05:49Z

*sneaking through Sean Astin's yard*

Shhh...stealth is of the essence, och.

*he knocks over some dustbins*

BALLS! I mean - crap.

*commando rolls and lands on something fluffy. It yowls*

AAAARGH! FUCKING CAT GERROF MY FUcking neck, bloody hell. How hard can this breaking-and-entering lark be, anyway?

*Creeps up to the living room window. Sean is inside watching Rudy*

I prefer the Goonies myself. Well, he seems pretty preoccupied, here goes nothing.

*sneaks up to the front door and jimmies the lock with a piece of wire he stole from Miranda's bra as it made its way to the laundry room*

Victory is mine!

*enters the house and pads stealthily into the kitchen. Ally Astin is sitting at the table, drinking milk*

Ally: Uncle Billy! What're you doing here? Why's your face painted black? And what's that gross smell?

Billy: Shhh! I'm undercover. Don't tell your dad, ok? *confused* What smell? Anyway, aye, I'm on a secret mission. It's a game.

Ally: I love games! I always win, because I'm a princess! Daddy says so. Except this one time, when he said he was the princess, not me and not Uncle Dom, and then he took my pink tiara and my tutu and tried to run away but mommy caught him and made him give them back and he got really angry and said just 'cause he was resolootely heterotextual it didn't mean he couldn't wear pretty things and then...*looks around and realises that Billy has disappeared*...huh. Silly billy.

*Billy is in the pantry, writing a note in green crayon*

'Dear Sean,

I have gone away for a few days on a spiritual retreat. I have been thinking a lot and I've realised that you and Elijah are truly made for each other. I don't want to stand in the way of your True Love. Please give the baby to Fran to look after, just in case...you know. You get the urge.

Yours resolutely,

Christine'

There - that should do the trick. Get sean going after Lij, leaves Dom open for me tae make my move...'m a genius, truly I am.

*climbs out of the pantry window into the yard and whistles. smeagol_serkis emerges from the holly bushes, clad in white and smiling radiantly. Due to his sojourn in the hedge, he now wears a crown of thorns*

Billy: You remember what tae do, aye?

Andy: Of course, my child. The knowledge hangs round my neck like a necklace of pearls. Oh - art thou sure that this woman will be my true disciple? None of the others seemed awfully keen.

Billy: Quite sure. Look, if this all works out, i'll buy ye a monastery, how about it? Now, go! *sends Andy up the garden path*

woe

2003-10-12T18:31:46Z

Okay, so I've got this friend who's got a wee bit of a problem himself. See, he's madly in love wi' one o' his closest mates, but this mate has proved strangely resistant tae all of my friend's amorous advances. Aye, he's up for a bit o' casual nookie now and again, but he's no' looking for anything serious.

Ken, my friend's mate has this boyfriend, wi' whom he's passionately in love, and my friend is getting really really pissed oaff about it. He doesnae dislike the boyfriend, exactly, but he's probably insanely jealous, if he could just admit it tae himself.

So, my friend discovers that his friend has had a wild night o' passion wi' the boyfriend and the boyfriend's wee sister - who's a man-eating whore who doesnae know the first thing about relationships ~~and the pain o' a broken heart~~. And now he's completely cut up and at a loss as tae what to do.

He just feels like a complete daftie; he should just give up on his mate and move on but he can't. It's eatin' away at him, ye know? Write your solution on a shirt-ruffle (there's plenty around) and tie it to an arrow, then shoot it through the window of room 312. Cheers.

in lobby

2003-09-25T19:41:36Z

There must be some way of escaping this place...

*all of a sudden, there's a rumbling deep within the walls. Suddenly, a mass of heaving colourful material erupts from the rubbish chute and knocks Billy over*

Oomph!

Hey, shirts! Ruffly shirts, ach. Mind you, perhaps I could do wi' another - mine is are gettin a wee bit worn.

*picks up shirts*

*wanders off*

[in Billy's room]

2003-09-20T19:04:32Z

*Billy looks around, bored, for something to do*

Where's the blasted Scotch gone?

*spies empty mini-bar*

Oh, bugger. Some holiday this is...*picks up phone, nearly drops it*

*mutters* Steady there, mate - fucking talking tae myself, idiot.

*dials a number, not really looking at the keypad*

ring, ring

badboybilleh @ 2003-09-18T17:48:00

2003-09-18T17:07:01Z

*It's later than Billy realised. Outside, the sun hangs low and red in the sky. There are silhouettes seated at the edge of the hotel pool, tiny ant-men whom Billy watches from the window*

*In the distance, somebody laughs. The sound is faint and tinny like noise through a cheap transistor radio. The ant-men stand up, and one of them directs a casual glance at the lighted window. Billy steps back with a hiss, almost feral*

*Suddenly the phone rings shrilly, breaking the room's clammy silence. Billy almost doesn't answer it, until propriety gets the better of him and he reaches over to pick it up*

Hello?

*The plastic case feels like lead in his hand*

badboybilleh @ 2003-09-07T15:18:00

2003-09-07T15:03:40Z

I've been in this damn hotel for almost a week now, and I'm still nae closer tae ~~achieving my evil aims~~Dom. the_pr stipulated tha' he and I share a hotel room, for the documentary and all, but as soon as we arrive he comes up tae me and says 'oh, Billy mate, you won't mind if Lij moves into this room, do you? You're welcome to stay, of course, if you don't think we'll get on your nerves too much.'

Well, I couldnae exactly say 'no', could I, not wi' Lij actually in the process o' lugging all his bags intae the place. And he looks at me and says 'hey man, this is really good of you! you know, they had me sharing a room with sean, but i really wasn't comfortable doing that. i know he's supposed to be better now and all, but i just don't feel safe without dommie'.

So, stupid me, I say all meek 'oh, o' course that's nae problem, Dom. In fact, I can do a room swap wi' Lij, it'll make things easier'.

Fuckin' idiot.

And obviously they're effusive wi' their thanks and everything, 'oh Billy, you're such a good friend, we really appreciate this, we do', 'if you ever get bored, our door is always open' etc. Well and good, perhaps, but I don't want tae be the one forever creeping around hotel corridors at midnight, knocking in code on the door and waiting out tae see if I'm going tae be allowed in. I should be in there already, ken.

Anyway, off I trundle tae Lij's room, where Sean is already installed. I tried tae unpack but the cupboard in the bathroom was fuckin' full o' bottles o' pills. Also, the curtains had been replaced wi' an American flag, so everything was bloody red-white-and-blue hurting my eyes. I thought I'd have a drink or three tae settle me down, but the bastard had only gone and replaced all the bottles in the mini-bar wi' herbal cordials and assorted crap.

Fine, I thought, there's a bottle'ae Scotch in my bag, that'll do nicely, but before I could get tae it Sean basically thrust me down on the bed and proceeded tae show me pictures of his children. Then he showed me pictures of him wi' half the Presidents of the USA, and then he tried tae teach me the Declaration of Independence.

blah blah blah fucking land o' the free or some such. I just wanted tae get pissed by this stage, but he was having none o' it. I can see why Lij was sae desperate tae get away. Finally, the pills kicked in or something, because he fell asleep, and I crept out in tae the corridor.

Orlando and Craig were there; they'd commandeered a couplae catering carts and seemed dead set on riding them intae the pool. They asked me tae join in, so I agreed - anything's better than moping around in a hotel room decorated like the Oval Office, wi' a fat snoring loon. It was good fun, actually - I've always liked orlando, and even Craig's no' sae bad when he's not moaning about his fingernails or whatever.

Only, then they started tae get a bit distracted by each other, and I didnae fancy being a wallflower in yet another relationship, so I escaped the wrath o' the hotel staff and went back upstairs. Where I discovered that the chlorine in the pool had bleached my favourite black shirt all nasty.

Did manage tae find the Scotch in the end, and, fortified wi' alcohol, I decided tae see if Dom and Lij's door really *was* open.

I have never been sae traumatised in my entire life.

No' even when we found uncle Hamish wearing grandma's knickers, in bed wi' the milkman. It seems that the two o' them had discovered one o' those Bibles left by the gideons or whoever, and - in a fit o' boredom - had embarked on a re-enactment o' some o' the naughty bits.

I don't just mean the Song of Songs - I mean, 'thy breasts are like two roe deer that are twins yadda yadda' doesnae really apply, say what ye like about Elijah's man-boobs. No, i mean the stuff about the Israelites being enslaved, and whipped and all.

My brother is an hairy man, but I am a smooth man.

They were touched wi' tongues of fire.

Jezebel.

Well, eventually, they deigned tae notice my presence, and Dom was all like 'hey, Bills, you can be the Pharoah!'.

But, you see, Moses and Aaron didnae have much use for Pharoah once he'd let their people go. I just crept away, in the end.

And now I'm sitting by the pool - even though I'm no' an elf - drinking fucking Screaming Orgasms. The hotel staffer seemed most insistent that I make up my mind quickly, for some reason, and it was the first thing that came tae mind. Funny, that.

I want tae go home.

badboybilleh @ 2003-09-01T22:09:00

2003-09-01T21:11:38Z

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH*SPLASH*

ow.

[in the Hotel Adagio]

2003-09-01T20:53:17Z

Bloody the_pr, bloody crabs, bloody hot hobbit threesomes.

Stuck in this bloody hotel wi'out my bagpipes, only one bloody shirt and no knives. What the fuck happened tae my knives, eh?

And who the hell am I sharing this room wi', anyway? Transformer pyjamas - hmm - Dom! Och, that's no' sae bad at all...

Mini bar? Helloooo, free alcohol! *sits down, kicks shoes off and waits for Dom, supplied with copious quantities of whisky*

Perhaps this hotel lark will be better than it's cracked up tae be.

[the morning after]

2003-08-25T12:25:02Z

*scratch scratch scratch*

Och, my heid.

Um...*scratch scratch scratch*

What's going on? I feel all kindae - itchy.

*scratch scratch scratch*

I need coffee.

Half an hour later...

*scratch scratch scratch*

Fucking hell.

[in his flat]

2003-08-22T17:55:09Z

*Billy stands at the counter polishing his Scottish throwing knives for Orlando. He hums a wee ditty to himself as he works*

Finally!

2003-08-18T20:02:27Z

Our hearings were today, and we were finally cleared of the charges against us. I feel sortae bad about how I've treated Lij, after he stood up for me sae vehemently. Maybe I should gie him a ring ~~for some sex~~.

*picks up phone*

battered, bruised and in solitary

2003-08-13T11:00:06Z

Fucking prison guards...Dom and I were no' fighting, bloody idiots, we were - well, I know what I was doing, anyway.

And it wasnae my fault that the guys I pushed outtae the way decided tae start something, was it? And the fact that when Dom and I were ~~writhing~~ on the floor, I accidentally managed tae catch the Warden round the legs wi' a flailing arm and pull him down, unfortunately knocking him out.

And as he fell, he slammed against a table, upending it in a way that would hae been funny if it weren't so lethal, and 60 trays laden wi' gloop flew through the air and showered the Chief Inspector in shite as he made his monthly rounds.

And then the three guys who had picked a fight hauled me an' Dom tae our feet and cracked our heads together, and I flew into an uncontrollable rage (partly enhanced by such close proximity tae Dominic) and bit the biggest one's ear half off.

And then his friends became enraged as well (unjustifiably, if ye ask me - they were no' harmed, after all) and lashed out at everyone withing punching-distance, and that led to the entire canteen launching intae a free for all.

I suppose the situation's gravity was kindae augmented by the fact that the unconscious Warden was carrying the master-keys on his belt, which were then stolen by Trevor - he recovered, worryingly enough - and used it tae release half o' D-block (Armed Robberies and Assaults).

And o' course Dom and I somehow managed tae crawl away through the mass o' heaving bodies - narrowly escaping suffocation (in fact, it was more than a bit like an orgy now I think about it) - and intae the corridor, where we collided wi' the Governor.

Who blamed ME for it all and stuck me in solitary! The bare-faced cheek o' that Kiwi bastard sheep-shagger. So I'm taking a leaf outtae Elijah's book and scrawling this on the wall in custard. It's weird, I even miss Elijah, stuck here on my own. He was all right, really, despite the man-stealing thing.

Bastard.

Shit, someone's coming! *scrambles to hide remains of custard* I hope the_pr can spring us soon, the novelty o' being a convict is wearing off. My harmonica broke in the kerfuffle, and all.

[Gaol]

2003-08-08T09:39:33Z

The mournful sound of a badly-played harmonica drifts through a set of barred windows and mingles with the baa-ing of New Zealand sheep.

Och, I was always better on the bagpipes. Bloody gaol, it's a joke. I could break outtae here wi' a toothpick. But then, where would be the fun in that?

After all, my aims hae been part way accomplished: Elijah's banged up, Dom's proved his devotion tae me, and I got it on wi' a dirty great biker. Always wanted tae do that, ken.

A ghostly tapping comes from the pipes. Billy calls over to them sarcastically.

Elijah's nae here! He's been taken off for *cough* questioning, aye.

He scooches up to the pipes and taps on them himself.

(in Morse) Dom, ate you tehre? It's Bippy...I'm nid mich geed at tihs coge lark...SOS?

(To himself)I wish they hadnae moved Trevor. Elijah seems intent on cheering me up, God knows why - as though hearing about his and Dom's exploits is going tae make me *cheerful*. I swear his IQ drops a point every day in here. Perhaps I should go...

*Billy stands up and produces a toothpick from his trouser pocket. he begins to scrape at the base of the window's bars.</i>

[Text message sent to Dom's phone]

2003-07-27T17:49:25Z

AM UNDER ARREST. PHONE LAWYER. WILL EXPLAIN IN GAOL.

[In the street outside Dom and Lij's]

2003-07-25T15:55:43Z

Billy picks himself up from the pavement and looks around for cate.

Bugger, missed her!

He wipes his machete on his (khaki) kilt and heads back towards the house. In the distance, sirens begin to wail.

Oooooh Elijah! Elijah?

Billy knocks on the door of Lij's apartment, grinning lopsidedly. His eyes glitter.

Elijah? I need tae talk to you, mate...Lij?

The sirens draw closer. Billy lifts the machete and smashes a hole in the front door. He pokes his head through it.

Heeeeeeeeeere's Billy!