retrospection.is.sorely.limited

internship search

2012-03-22T04:22:30Z

I believe my internship search currently looks like this:

New Urban Learning (charter school management company) -- applied, interviewed, rejected

google internet policy fellowship -- applied, no word, long shot anyway

detroit economic growth corporation -- applied, follow up email sent, reply said they're working on it

city of detroit planning and development department -- applied, follow up email sent, reply said they're working on it

state of michigan -- applied, phone interview tomorrow (supposedly)

institute for Women's policy research -- applied, phone interview, told that i would be recommended and hear soon, waiting for final word

workforce intelligence network -- applied, they sent me an email saying they had grants to finish and they hadn't forgotten about me.

detroit parent network -- friend asked her friend if she was interested in interns, friend said yes, sent resume, no reply (yet)

looking at my email out box, that's apparently it. i thought there was more. i wish i had more firm things. :-(

but, on the other hand, i am a desirable intern!

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

astraevirgo @ 2012-02-17T00:01:00

2012-02-17T05:01:23Z

Here is what I did do today: parented soothed and fed Sylvia through the night,
cuddled and slept in with my husband,
went to stats class,
met briefly with my Detroit project group,
went to the dentist for a teeth cleaning (no cavities),
parented Sylvia through two naps,
napped during the second nap,
finished my problem set,
had leftovers for dinner as a family,
put Sylvia to bed,
measured my foot for new shoes (then decided to go try stuff on instead of ordering on the internet),
prepped for longer Detroit project meeting tomorrow,
wrote out a schedule for tomorrow and a tentative one for the weekend, made a list of the assignments for next week,
moved the clutter around on my desk,
castigated myself for getting nothing done,
posted about it on Facebook,
made this list,
and I am going to shower and sleep.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

LJ Idol Home Game: When You Pray, move your feet

2011-10-25T03:42:38Z

I reside in my head. Or perhaps I float as a mind above my body, pretending that my body -- it's physical reactions to emotion, it's ability to know in ways that my mind can't -- I pretend that my body doesn't exist.

I struggle mightily with the belief that I'm worthy. Believing that someone will hire me. Believing that I am a good parent to my daughter. That my school work is worthy of my husband giving up his evenings to parenting so I can do homework. That my dreams are worth support.

I am depressed. I am anxious. I was on some powerful medicine, but I really began to feel better when I began a weekly practice of Yoga.

And then my therapist said to me: "You can't be certain of that, but you can be certain of your ability to cope."

I began to be present in my body, and I began to cope -- to keep a bedtime, to drink lots of water, to eat regularly, to journal.

It felt fragile. It felt like selfishness. It felt like all my excuses for being sad and stressed and anxious were being stripped away. It left me responsible for myself and my life.

And then the powerful medicine was replaced with less powerful medicine. And I began to struggle again.

I have to believe I'm worthy by acting like I'm worthy. By taking care of myself. By coping. When I pray, I move my feet. The only way to transform this is by going through.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

birth story, continued

2011-10-07T16:59:42Z

I think it's fair at this point in the birth story to acknowledge that I always had a sort of intuition that my pregnancy wouldn't go to term.

I celebrated week 25, which is when fetuses are typically considered viable, and I celebrated week 30, when surfacant typically begins to cover the lungs and allow them to expand with breath. I would rub my belly and tell baby Rocketship that he or she should stay in there as long as possible to grow big and strong.

My pregnancy wasn't so pleasant. I.had recurring yeast infections throughout my pregnancy, the sensation of which was like constantly having small amounts of fluid leak from my vagina. This led me to be paranoid that I was leaking amniotic fluid.

Around week 30, I began to swell, particularly around my ankles. At that point the midwife didn't think the swelling was problematic -- ankle swelling is pretty normal, hand swelling is a flag.

Week 32, while we were out buying paint for the nursery, I began to feel dizzy and my heart raced. I wanted to go home right then, and spent the ride home trying to explain to Tim my fears about an early birth that were, to that point, unfounded.

This brings me to my week 32 appointment. Tim decided to come with me, since he hadn't been to an appointment for a while, and I wasn't feeling right. When they led us back, they weighed me and I had gained ten pounds. Considering that I had lost weight during my pregnancy, and had barely made it back to my pre-pregancy weight, this was significant. Gaining 10 pounds in two weeks was a red flag by itself, but I found it very unusual for me.

After I peed in a cup, I went back to the exam room where Tim and I waited for Mary the midwife. When she finally came in, she asked me how I was feeling. I said, "Well, I gained ten pounds I'm two weeks. I know that's not good."

She said, "And your urine dip shows protein. Your blood pressure was fine. I doubt we're talking preE. Have you had sex lately?" She explained that semen could have been the source of the protein. I said no, because of the yeast infections. Mary said that yeast could've been the source as well, and we continued our appointment. I pointed out the swelling to her, which she thought looked fairly normal still.

Before I left, Mary decided to do another protein dip with a fresh urine specimen to see if the first sample was a freak accident. "I doubt you have preeclampsia," she said. "But we need to send you home with a 24 hour urine collection just in case. Call the messaging service on Saturday morning and I'll call back with the results."

So I went home with a "hat" to collect urine in, and a jug to hold the urine that needed to be stored in the fridge, and I collected urine for 24 hours. I brought the urine back to the lab, and went home to find that I had been accepted into the University of Michigan. We went out for celebratory ice cream and went to bed, expecting to call, not have a problem, and finish the nursery with our Saturday.

At this point, I need to stop and summarize and think about how I had agency in the story, and how I am grateful for how the circumstances unfolded. I'm glad that I knew the symptoms of preE, and brought them up to my healthcare professional, even though red flags weren't fully raised for her. I'm glad that I was taken care of -- Mary did everything in her power both to reassure me that she thought I was fine at the same time ordering the right tests. I'm glad that Mary was the midwife that saw me that week, and the midwife on duty that weekend to take care of me.

So that was Thursday and Friday March 9 & 10. I can only do this small steps at a time.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

astraevirgo @ 2011-09-27T12:22:00

2011-09-27T16:22:44Z

I've been trying to write my and Sylvia's birth story again, this time with compassion towards myself and joy at the outcome. I want to post it on my grown-up blog, but I think my inner editor is keeping from making that easy. The whole point of this rewrite is editing, though writing it in WordPress seems to imbue writing performance anxiety instead of the careful word choices I'd like to have in this telling.

I prepared for a natural birth. Before I was pregnant, I had an inkling that I wanted to be as far from doctors as possible during my delivery, having found home birth stories on the internet incredibly exciting and empowering as a woman. So, before we were ready to have children, I began the process of getting my better-living-through-science beloved on my side. We watched The Business of Being Born together, and he proclaimed himself uncomfortable with home birth, but willing to listen to the possibility of a birthing center.

When I got pregnant about three months before I planned to be, I sought out the advice of friends in looking for a midwife and birthing center. I found a midwife connected to an alternative birthing center in a hospital; the ABC was committed to birth being a natural process, and if there were emergent problems, we would be on the same floor as the OBs and the operating rooms. I attended the required orientations and birth classes to use the ABC.

I asked one midwife her recommendations for doulas, and my partner and I interviewed two. We hired the one with more experience, and she had me email her with updates after each midwife visit, and was willing to answer questions too. She recommended ways to sit and stand so that the baby would be in the best possible position for birth.

At the same time, I was busy educating myself about birth. I got every book on birth out of the library, and bought a fair few too. I began combing them for the wheres, whys, and hows of birth. I collected the combined wisdom of these books into a booklet that I constructed. At times the task seem to be about controlling my birth experience: this is what happens first, second, third. But ultimately I think the book (which did not get finished) was about making the unknown as knowable as possible.

I wrote myself a letter about my vision of how I'd like the birth to go, talking about surrendering to the process. It included a promise to myself that I had assembled a village of experts around me, who shared my philosophy and wanted the best for me, and that if anything were to go wrong I could trust them. I would end up needing to trust them.

Looking back on how I prepared for birth, I see I have two choices. I could frame all the work I did as useless; the birth didn't go as I had envisioned. Or? I can frame it as a process of gaining wisdom. In my reading I learned about pitocin, and how it's different than oxytocin, the body-made horomone that causes contractions, how being on a pitocin drip would affect me. I learned that preeclampsia was a medically necessary reason for a c-section. I learned the signs of preE. All of the things I learned were useful to me in my birth experience.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Yuletide Letter -- Astraev on the challenge

2010-11-23T03:07:37Z

Dear Yulegoat --

First of all, thank you for writing for me. I almost forgot to write this -- I was so excited writing for someone else, I almost forgot that I am getting a fic in return.

A guideline I always use in writing is "Write what you'd like to read." So, considering that's always what guides my writing, here's what I write (to give you an idea of what I like to read):

http://astraevirgo.livejournal.com/tag/written+word (Mostly Original)
http://community.livejournal.com/writexchange/ (All Original)
http://community.livejournal.com/myriadwords/tag/author%3A%20astraevirgo (Young Wizards writings)
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/7943/Virgo (It's ff.n, so, yeah. Also contains my YW writings).
http://archiveofourown.org/users/astraev/works (Dollhouse and Young Wizards fic)

Here's what's going on in my life right now, which, I love to see my own experiences reflected in my favorite fictional characters. I'm pregnant with my first child, and am terrified that I'm not being a good enough mother, but doing my best to be sane about it. I'm about to go through a job transition -- my AmeriCorps term of service is up, and there's just no telling where the next job'll come from. I'm married to the love of my life, and we're moving before the first of the year. I'm looking at going to Grad School next fall. Busy, busy, busy.

Here's what I do not like in stories (i.e. do not pass go, do not collect $200): noncon, dubcon, any sort of sex that isn't 100% consensual and enthusiastic. (This especially, especially goes for Dollhouse.) I'm not a huge fan of on screen sex, though fades to black and be hot. Violent language towards women, and my absolute pet peeve is taking strong female canon characters and making them weak. (Careful, just because a female character becomes a mother, doesn't mean she can't kick ass anymore!)

Here's what I love in stories (i.e. OMG YAY I CAN'T BELIEVE I FOUND THIS FIC): Crossovers, especially ones that already coexist in space and/or time (Like YW and HIMYM both taking place in New York City, and Fringe occasionally going there, though I only really like two fandoms colliding at a time). Consensual intimacy.

The themes I named last year work again this year: Growing up and Political Intrigue. I suppose add "Family Expansion" in both the biological and chosen senses, and I get warm fuzzies.

Dollhouse:
I would love a story about Sierra and Victor and how they came to be a family with their little boy and then not be a family between Episodes 12 and 13 in season 2.

I would love a story about Topher, and how his conscience developed over time. I'd love a post-series fic, in which Topher somehow miraculously lives (And maybe lives happily but not easily ever after with Adelle.)

I'd like a story where Paul Ballard stops falling in love with people as ideas instead of people as people -- which, to me, is the whole central conflict of Dollhouse.

Basically, a story with lots of happy consent.

Fringe:
I don't know exactly what to ask for, because this season has been rocking SO HARD. I think I'd prefer a glimpse of the future, in which Olivia and Peter are official, but Olivia is still kick ass, and they do a good job of taking care of each other. Case fic would be fabulous. (Children or pregnancy would be a bonus for me.)

Young Wizards:
Since Wizards of Mars ended on such a giddy fan-girl fulfilling note, I'd love to see a continuation of that awkward teenage romance. I also adore stories of the main characters as adults, with real jobs, real lives, and maybe even families.

How I Met Your Mother:
I'm currently pregnant, so I'd love a pregnancy story. Luckily, canon is pointing this way, with Lily and Marshall trying to have a kid. There are so many pregnancy milestones to chose from -- positive test, heart beat, ultrasound. Full permission to make this as sweet and/or funny as you'd like. (Preferably not angsty. I really really really do not want the writers to turn this into an infertility plot.)

Thank you, yule bringer.

Love,

Kate

Yuletide Letter -- Astraev on the challenge

2009-11-11T19:41:06Z

Dear Yuletide Writer/Stalker:

I am twenty-three-years-old, and just recently got married to someone who I love whom I have committed to loving forever. I'm still searching for my forever job, my calling, what I can happily contribute to the universe until I return to dust. (But the adventure you get is the adventure you're ready for, right?) My fandoms all have sizable canons, but I hope that they're popular in yuletide terms and it'll be okay.

I am fascinated by the idea of growing up. What does it mean to take on adult responsibilities? What does it mean to be in control of your destiny? Growing up happens on so many different levels -- emotional, personally, relationshiply, politically, spiritually. Sometimes we get lucky and have mentors and teachers to help us on the way. I think this theme is particularly interesting in How I Met Your Mother and in Young Wizards. Ted and the gang are doing their best to live the lives they want to -- but the outside variables often get in the way. Ted in particular is trying too hard to find himself. He needs to just start living. Nita and Kit, on the other hand, have always held themselves hugely responsible, and I think their growing up is inevitable. They will be powerful, grounded adults. Assuming they get married, what would their lives look like? What would their families?

I love political intrigue. I'm a huge fan of people doing what they mean and saying something else, and the confusion and trickery involved in that. I think this particular angle is more interesting in Circle of Magic and Dollhouse. Sandy is bound to be Duchess some day, but not everyone might like that -- the Duke's current heir, for one, but also the common people who may not like being governed by someone with magic. As we saw in The Will of the Empress, there are assassinations and illegitimate children, and people marrying to form alliances. Dollhouse is like political and business intrigue topped with yummy feminist topping. A lot of people criticize the show because they only a pimp and whores, but if you take the idea of the show as an allegory of the rape culture, it's fascinating. Will we ever not need "dolls" -- people to stand in for concepts? Anyway, the deconstruction at the end of season 1, in episode unaired in the US, was PERFECT.

I don't mind death fic, and I love canonical pairings of both the het and slash varieties. I don't like nonconsent, violent language towards women, and my absolute pet peeve is taking strong female canon characters and making them weak. I absolutely love well-crafted crossovers -- ones that do not have to stretch too hard to make happen, ones that have strong justifications.

My requests:
Diane Duane -- Young Wizards: Juanita Callhan/Christopher Rodriguez/Tom/Carl
I would love a fic focusing on Nita and Kit grown up from where they are in the series, but with appearances and support from the entire cast of characters. Focusing on Tom and Carl (also with appearances and support from the entire cast of characters) would also be spiffy.

Tamora Pierce -- Circle of Magic: Sandrilene fa Toren/Trisana Chandler/Duke Verdis
Sandry is my absolute favorite character, since she is so highly opinionated and judicial. Something with a political backdrop (or politics in the foreground!) would be awesome. No romance between the main four characters, or the characters and their teachers, please.

How I Met Your Mother -- All
The best part about this show is the main characters being equally as important, even if Ted is supposed to be the lead. Exploration about how marriage changes friendship dynamics would be interesting, especially from the point of view of a married character. How do you balance?

Dollhouse -- Claire Saunders aka Whiskey/Topher Brink/Adelle DeWitt/Victor
Morals. Topher and Adelle particularly, but Dr. Saunders and Victor as foils. Consent, masculinity, femininity, and people's bodies standing in for concepts.

A guideline I always use in writing is "Write what you'd like to read." So, considering that's always what guides my writing, here's what I write (to give you an idea of what I like to read):

http://astraevirgo.livejournal.com/tag/written+word (Mostly Original)
http://community.livejournal.com/writexchange/ (All Original)
http://community.livejournal.com/myriadwords/tag/author:+astraevirgo (Young Wizards writings)
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/7943/Virgo (It's ff.n, so, yeah. Also contains my YW writings).

Thank you in advance, Yuletide bringer.

Kate