Hi Sober Lady,

As an addict, I feel like most people in my life worry that a bad or stressful event in my life will cause me to relapse. I understand why, but honestly, the nagging questions or suspicious glances from well-meaning loved ones make me feel more likely to use than any challenging event. It has also been my experience that my close calls with relapse have come during pretty mundane moments that can’t be tied to any specific ‘why.’

Still, there’s no denying that stress can make me instinctively want to reach for my security blanket substance. Everyone mentions going to a meeting or reaching out to a sponsor during these moments, but I never clicked with twelve-step groups. Do you have a process or method for dealing with stressful times, especially when you feel like you’re constantly under suspicion/worrying your loved ones?

Thanks,

Bottled Up

Hi BU,

Well-meaning loved ones can be such a pain in the ass. They’re always keeping an eye out for us, worrying about how we’re doing, and being annoyingly invested in our health. I know this sounds like sarcasm, but I’m only half kidding. Those of us with well-intentioned loved ones are fortunate to have them in our lives. And yet, those loved ones might express their good intentions in ways we find unhelpful, frustrating, and downright obnoxious.

When I was about 4 or 5 months sober, I went to my sister’s law school graduation in Chicago. My parents arrived before I did, checking into the hotel where we’d have adjoining rooms. On the flight, I thought about how I’d handle the Minibar Issue. I had no plans to drink, but I knew having a minibar in my room would make everyone extremely nervous. I decided that when I arrived, I’d go right into the room, lock the minibar, and give my parents the key.

As the train sped towards downtown, I thought about how impressed my parents would be with my responsible and self-aware decision. This was, after all, only a few months after I’d hit bottom in this very city. What better way to illustrate how much I’d changed than voluntarily handing over the key to temptation?

When I arrived at the hotel, my dad met me in the lobby and walked me to the room. The first thing I did was look for the key to the minibar, which would usually be on top of the little fridge. No key. I turned to my dad. “Did you take the minibar key?” He looked at me as though I’d asked him, “Hey, remember a few months ago when, right here in Chicago, I was hospitalized with a .4 blood alcohol, and you had to fly out here and pick me up from the Psych Ward?”

His “yes” was unequivocal and borderline incredulous; it was really more of a “YES.”

“I was going to give it to you anyway!” I said, sounding more like a 13-year-old than a 23-year-old. When he left the room, I immediately burst into tears (listen, early recovery comes with big feelings about almost everything).

I’m not suggesting that the wisest course of action would have been for my parents to leave me alone in a room with a functioning minibar in the hopes that I’d hand over the key. OF COURSE they took it. It would have been a little nuts if they hadn’t.

I’d been telling them for weeks about how nervous I was to go back to Chicago, where so many things had gone wrong. Did I honestly expect them to know how worried I was and then drop me in a hotel room with dozens of delicious, intoxicating little bottles? But I still felt robbed of my opportunity to show how much I’d changed over the past 4 months.

All of which is to say, unless you tell your well-intentioned loved ones what is or isn’t helpful for you during stressful times, they’re going to go on instinct. And nine times out of 10, that instinct is going to involve nagging questions and watchful side-eyes.

Explain that you know they mean well and appreciate all their support, but for you, being barraged with questions and watchful gazes is actually having the opposite effect than you know they intend. Come to the conversation armed with what they can do instead. And while I know it’s tempting to say “leave me the hell alone,” this is where a little bit of compromise comes in. Maybe they get one “You seem stressed; is there anything you want to talk about?” and unless you answer affirmatively, they have to do their best to leave you alone and trust that you’re handling things on your own.

Send me a question or feedback

This is a tall order, especially for loved ones who are in the habit of constantly hovering/checking in. Explain that while some people might find the questions and hovering helpful (I suppose anything’s possible), for you, just the one question will do. If the answer is no, what you need—the way they can help—is let you handle it on your own.

Here’s the catch, and the answer to the other part of your question: for this to work, you actually need to find a method or process that helps you deal with stressful or triggering situations. I can’t tell you what will work for you, but maybe explaining what works for me will give you some ideas.

• Find someone to whom I can vent who won’t be freaked out or immediately worry that I’m on the cusp of relapse. I don’t attend meetings anymore, but I do have sober friends, and they’re usually a good bet for this kind of rant. The same is true with friends I’ve known for a very long time. They’re aware that I can be a smidge melodramatic when stressed, and understand that sometimes I need to blow off steam.

• Do what calms me. I’m sure regular readers of this newsletter are sick of hearing me blab about animals and nature, and how desperately I want to befriend deer, but I find watching animals in their natural (or naturalish) environment extremely soothing.

• In the grand tradition of clichéd therapy tricks that work: There’s the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding method. Take deep breaths (in through the nose, out through the mouth) and focus on: 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste

• Other things that calm me: writing, leaning into being a middle-aged white lady by taking Pilates, and watching those videos of unlikely animal friends where a rhinoceros and a duck become lifelong pals. That’s just me. Yours will be different—maybe going for a run or to a dog park to shamelessly pet all the dogs, getting a sweet treat, or walking to your favorite city view.

• Once you’ve calmed down a bit, indulge in something that comforts you (no, not your substance of choice; something that won’t derail your world). High on my list are: rewatching certain TV shows and movies, rereading favorite books, taking a bath, and playing word games on my phone.

Figuring out which tactics help you relieve stress has two benefits: the first and most obvious is that it... reduces your stress. That alone would be more than enough. But it’s also something you can share with well-intentioned loved ones so they know you have healthy ways to cope with stress.

Often, the endless questions and hovering are simply the result of loved ones caring and not knowing what else to do. The notion of you handling stress on your own worries them because you used to deal with stress in less-than-ideal ways. So they’re much more likely to feel comfortable with the ‘one question, and then I need to handle this on my own’ plan if they know that you have healthy coping strategies to rely on.

Finally, I want to quickly flag one other thing in your email. You say, “My experience is that my close calls with relapse have come during pretty mundane moments that can’t be tied to any specific ‘why.’”

I’m sure you’re right that your close calls haven’t been tied to big, external events, but I wouldn’t write them off as not having a specific ‘why.’ Close calls (or actual relapses) might seem to lack a specific ‘why,’ but there’s often a common thread somewhere. Whether it’s boredom, access to substances, social anxiety, or something else, it’s worth digging a little deeper to figure out what was happening and how you were feeling when you had those close calls. The more you understand that, the more you can navigate through similar situations without using.

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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.