Feeling just a little bit empty
A little bit worn down.
And I'm wondering if a few years from now,
You'll still be around.

Say you gotta let go to give in
A restless heart sure does grow thin
Say you gotta let go to give in
So give in

And I'm wary that I can't be tamed
Your ropes become my crown.
My splendid isolation, oh
It's in jeopardy again.

Say you gotta let go to give in
A restless heart sure does grow thin
Say you gotta let go to give in
So give in

Race your horse until you break it's legs.
Race your prized horse until it breaks.
Until it breaks.
Racing, racing, racing- shot.

It was an average day. I had been feeling under the weather lately, so I was wearing my "don't notice me" disguise: baggy jeans, ex-boyfriend flannel, no makeup, and greasy hair. I had gotten off work early, so I actually had some time to run errands before heading home.

After stopping by the post office and Goodwill, I made my final stop at Petco to pick up some supplies. Armed with kitty litter, cat food, and green treats, I absentmindedly waited in line at the check out counter.

Bored and restless, I glanced at the items in the girl's basket ahead of me. Canned beef dog food and some dry food as well - "...Must have a dog." I stated the obvious, musing to myself. My eyes traveled upward, glancing at the frail frame of the girl, hungry to observe a new face.

Cat-eyed sunglasses hid her guarded expression, as she clutched her wallet in her hands. She stared only at the counter, purposefully avoiding the eyes of the cashier, while her awkward auburn curls fell about her face. Then it struck me. I knew this girl.

Being a fan favorite of all the teachers at a performing arts camp I attended years ago, I was granted the "privilege" of rooming with a famous fellow camper... Though, at the time, it was merely her parents who were well known: Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.

Yes, Rumer Willis was my fellow bunkmate for a week at dance camp. I was privy not only to her inside thoughts, wardrobe advice, late night girl talk, and phone calls she made to her parents (she being the only camper who was allowed to keep her cellphone) but also the way in which she would forget about me the minute her adoring fellow campers looked her way.

Despite our friendliness toward each other, I left camp that year feeling bitter and jealous of the automatic status she gained by merely having famous parents. "She'll probably have no problem getting into the movie industry, unlike me" - which, she later proved correct, starring in such favorites like "Hostage" and "The House Bunny" while I am still taking Casting Director workshops and possibly being known for doing a soap opera webseries.

I had altogether forgotten about the nights spent at arts camp with Rumer, until today.

---

If you haven't already read the headlines splashed across the gossip websites and magazines- her mom, Demi Moore, just recently overdosed and was rushed to a hospital. When I read the news, my heart went out to Rumer and her family. I had met her mom once, at the end of the final dance performance of camp; clutching a red bull in one hand and running her fingers through her gorgeous raven hair, she gave me a hug and graciously thanked me for rooming with her daughter. "She seems like a perfectly wonderful individual to me" I thought.

So when the tabloids paraded her younger husband's infidelities and her subsequent health problems, my heart sank and I wondered how the family was holding up.


---

And then, today, there was Rumer. Waiting in line at a Petco in front of me- almost 10 years later.

A myriad of thoughts rushed to my head. Should I say hello? I look like shit. Would she even recognize me? Should I tell her I hope everything turns out ok? Does she live near here? Was she partying it up at the Chateau last night like the tabloids said she did? Did she recognize me? Is that why she isn't looking up?

My eyes glanced toward the doorway- sure enough, there was a paparazzo, smiling as he got his shots. His friend giggling next to him with a video camera.

That poor girl.

She probably would be hounded with questions and a camera shoved in her face the minute she left the store, when I'm sure all she wants is privacy. I panicked. Should I warn her? Does she know that they're there? But before I could rationalize any semblance of a thought, she quickly gathered up her things and left.

I was left shell shocked in my head. How different our lives were. Or had become... Here I was, in flannel and no makeup buying cat litter, unrecognized and left alone - while she was now stalked and followed at her every move. Her family's privacy exposed for all the world to see as people hide behind their computer screens and criticize. This was the girl who yearned for attention and recognition in arts camp, and now, I can only imagine, she wants anything but. A sad irony indeed.

I felt such empathy toward her, when before all I had was judgment. It woke me up out of a fog, and for once, made me realize just how lucky I am. How grateful I am for my privacy. To be alone. To be able to walk down the street and not be recognized. To be able to cry in my car and not have anyone notice. Everything comes at a price. And I guess, I am grateful for the fact that it is taking time to reach my goals. Allowing me the chance to grow and fuck up before the entire world takes notice. Perhaps things do happen for a reason. And seeing Rumer today certainly awoke an appreciation in me. I only have kind words for her and her family and I wish her the upmost amount of respect and privacy that she can obtain at the moment. And if, maybe one day we do meet again, it will be on better terms - and I will say hi.


~A

Restless and wild and irrevocably torn~

Remember when~
The flicker of the telephone
The song it used to sing
When you were a memory,
Thousands of miles away from me

Your breath against the ear piece,
A crutch that allowed us to fly
Distances makes the heart grow
Even more ready to die

How did you picture me?
Far away and so alone
Touching the curves of my body,
While you were on the telephone

Has your fantasy reached reality?
A harsh glare that you thought you'd never find?
Oh, the porcelain doll has a crack
But you already signed along the dotted line

Your sweet little marionette has become entangled in its strings
Will you cut her down?
Or breathe for her to sing?

Tired eyes have seen it all
The circus can no longer entertain as it did before
But remember when that phone did ring
Not so long ago

The woman you loved - a saving grace
A hope, a dream, a song
Let your heart grow again
Your fantasy was not wrong

Dust off the old poster
Polish the frame

And realize that what you thought had lost,
Is here by your side again.

Fool that I am,
For falling in love with you.
And a, fool that I am,
For thinking you loved me, too.

You took my heart,
Then played the part of little coquette.
And, all my dreams just disappeared
Like the smoke from a cigarette.

Fool that I am,
For hoping you�d understand.
And thinking you
Would listen, too,
And, oh, the things I had planned.

But we couldn�t see eye to eye
So, darling, darling, darling,
This is goodbye.
But I still care, but I still care,
And oh, fool that I am.
Oh, but I still care,
Fool that I am.

I want to be your desert shore that you can climb upon;
I want to be your miky way that you can gaze upon;
I want to be your saving grace-

So lay your worries down,
and rest your head upon,
Me.

Dark hair, dark nails, bright eyes.

If they found my body, I'd want my room to be clean...

I miss you so much it hurts.
I want these worried arms quenched -
But my self awareness stops me.
For I do want you to enjoy your time.
How though, unknowingly, unsuspecting, you creeped up on me... And became my home.
Hence, I am wandering, floating in the vastness that is this wretched Earth that at times, seems so cruel.

Where has my light gone?

I want your eyes down below,
I want your lips where I can't see them
I want your body grabbing mine
As I silently scream your love to the heavens...

Dearest man who holds my heart content
Unto you I do repent
Hold my fears upon your back
And bring me courage when I do retract
Cold and lonesome on the barren land
You lay your fate to a frozen hand
Emerge from your harden shell
And love those who do love you so well...

very rarely does the human race allow a thing of beauty to live

Is it merely anxiety that I've been feeling all these years? An unsteady love fighting within, a cheap stranglehold on my soul? Madness... Like a dancing star?

This unrest-

to be con't.

Sending love your way, over the frozen waves~


http://www.contemplation.com/

20 raspberries
1 perfect foods bar (lite)
2 celery stalks
1/2 avacado

sprouted grain bread
hummus, garlic spread, guac
cucmber & tomatoes
flax crackers

juice drink- about 6 oz
spinach
cucumber
lemon
celery

- SO MUCH went into my waste bin and clean up was very difficult...

VITAMIXER? still juices as well?

yesterday-

breakfast smoothie
sprouted grain bread w/veggies
spinach salad
celery & almond butter
pumpkin spice cheesecake
raw ice cream
chocolate truffles....



CRAPPPPP. I overate. I binged on (raw) sweets

Granted I still felt crappy afterward.

Need to get back on the wagon

aka - RUNNER'S KNEE.

Well, result are back from the MRI- and guess what? I have it. Here's some info I gathered on it:

As the name suggests, runner's knee is a common ailment among runners. But it can also strike any athlete who does activities that require a lot of knee bending -- like walking, biking, and jumping. It usually causes aching pain around the kneecap.

Runner's knee isn't really a condition itself. It's a loose term for several specific disorders with different causes. Runner's knee can result from:

Overuse. Repeated bending of the knee can irritate the nerves of the kneecap. Overstretched tendons (tendons are the tissues that connect muscles to bones) may also cause the pain of runner's knee.
Direct trauma to the knee, like a fall or blow.
Misalignment. If any of the bones are slightly out of their correct position -- or misaligned -- physical stress won't be evenly distributed through your body. Certain parts of your body may bear too much weight. This can cause pain and damage to the joints. Sometimes, the kneecap itself is slightly out of position.
Problems with the feet. Runner's knee can result from flat feet, also called fallen arches or overpronation. This is a condition in which the impact of a step causes the arches of your foot to collapse, stretching the muscles and tendons.
Weak thigh muscles.
Runner's knee is also called patellofemoral pain syndrome.

9 Least Effective Exercises: Skip These Risky Moves
What Does Runner's Knee Feel Like?
Symptoms of runner's knee are:

Pain behind or around the kneecap, especially where the thighbone and the kneecap meet.
Pain when you bend the knee -- when walking, squatting, kneeling, running, or even sitting.
Pain that's worse when walking downstairs or downhill.
Swelling.
Popping or grinding sensations in the knee.
To diagnose runner's knee, your doctor will give you a thorough physical exam. You may also need X-rays, MRIs ( Magnetic Resonance Imaging), CT (Computed Tomography) scans, and other tests.

What's the Treatment for Runner's Knee?
Regardless of the cause, the good news is that minor to moderate cases of runner's knee should heal on their own given time. To speed the healing you can:

Rest the knee. As much as possible, try to avoid putting weight on your knee.
Ice your knee to reduce pain and swelling. Do it for 20-30 minutes every 3-4 hours for 2-3 days, or until the pain is gone.
Compress your knee. Use an elastic bandage, straps, or sleeves to give your knee extra support.
Elevate your knee on a pillow when you're sitting or lying down.
Take anti-inflammatory painkillers. Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs ( NSAIDs), like Advil, Aleve, or Motrin, will help with pain and swelling. However, these drugs can have side effects, like an increased risk of bleeding and ulcers. They should be used only occasionally, unless your doctor specifically says otherwise.
Practice stretching and strengthening exercises if your doctor recommends them.
Get arch supports for your shoes. These orthotics -- which can be custom-made or bought off the shelf -- may help with flat feet.
Severe cases of runner's knee may need surgery. A surgeon could take out damaged cartilage or correct the position of the kneecap so that stress will be distributed evenly. -- WEBMD


Chondromalacia patella is abnormal softening of the cartilage of the under the kneecap (patella). Chondromalacia patella is the most common cause of chronic knee pain. Chondromalacia patella results from degeneration of cartilage due to poor alignment of the kneecap as it slides over the lower end of the thigh bone (femur). This process is, therefore, sometimes referred to as patellofemoral syndrome.


What are the symptoms of chondromalacia patella?

The symptoms of chondromalacia patella are generally a vague discomfort of the inner knee area, aggravated by activity (running, jumping, climbing or descending stairs) or by prolonged sitting with knees in a moderately bent position (the so called "theater sign" of pain upon arising from a desk or theater seat). Some patients may also have a vague sense of "tightness" or "fullness" in the knee area. Occasionally, if chronic symptoms are ignored, the associated loss of quadriceps (thigh) muscle strength may cause the leg to "give out." Besides an obvious reduction in quadriceps muscle mass, mild swelling of the knee area may occur.


What causes chondromalacia patella?

The patella (kneecap) is normally pulled over the end of the femur in a straight line by the quadriceps (thigh) muscle. Patients with chondromalacia patella frequently have abnormal patellar "tracking" toward the lateral (outer) side of the femur. This slightly off-kilter pathway allows the undersurface of the patella to grate along the femur causing chronic inflammation and pain. Certain individuals are predisposed to develop chondromalacia patella: females, knock-kneed or flat-footed runners, or those with an unusually shaped patella undersurface
http://www.medicinenet.com/patellofemoral_syndrome/article.htm

Date:	2010-08-19 09:21
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained

So, as I am sitting here drinking my pasteurized orange juice, pineapple, banana, flax oil, and green super foods morning smooothie- I'm thinking about all the thoughts I had yesterday.

Sadly, I lost out on two roles that I had my hopes kind of set on and was told by my management team, "it's important that you are in top shape and looking your best," aka- the nice way of saying, you need to lose some weight. To top off on those frustrations, I find out that in preparation for the film, "The Black Swan" Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis, who are already pin-thin and tiny in my book, were put on (and I quote) "anoxeric-diet" for the film. The fact that these actresses who are already twigs had to go on a diet for this film, welll... certainly rocked my boat. I am not built that way and no matter what extremes I could possibly utilize, I will NEVER be that tiny. I have the rib cage of a Viking Woman and hips like I'm built to carry children, what can I say? And those are bones.. they ain't goin no where. And thennnn- on top of that. I go to see my friend's movie in which, she is the lead- and this girl is GORGEOUS. I mean a size 2-4, great figure and proportions, just all around hot- yet there were still moments on the screen when I'm thinking, she looks a lil big there, or, that's an unflattering angle.

OYYYyyyy veyyyy! What have I gotten myself into?! I guess the biggest challenge though is tackling the thought of- I will never be that way/look that way. I guess in my book, I was never the "skinny" one, I was not built like a model, and the nickname for my stomach has always been buddha belly.. Almost like it was expected that I would always be average. That I would never have an above-and-beyond body. That is was ok. I guess I will have to overcome years of thinking that I'm just average, and accepted as average...I've never been pushed to be more. And I'm not sure what it will take to really make me stick to it and truly achieve my goals.

I want to truly love myself and the body I am in. I want to truly believe that I CAN achieve a body other people will envy and adore. That I CAN stick to this diet and not fall to sugars and processed foods for comfort. That I am worth that effort from MYSELF- not only other people.

I get frustrated thinking- does it really have to be this much work? Will I always have to maintain this? A dangerous thought. A lifetime commitment scares me. I want In-N-Out sometimes, I want grilled cheese and tomatoe soup, I want apple crisp a la mode. Right now, as of today, I'm feeling like I will never be able to give them up or to resisit temptation. But that is my mindset, where I am right now. Maybe tomorrow will be a brighter new day. I just can't wait to let go of the old chains that tie me down, but right now, I'm learning how.

Date:	2010-08-19 00:12
Subject:	More thoughts later- now, bed.
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

Cantaloppessss
deep green veggie salad w/cucumbers & brocoli
a veggie wrap (in a pita with hummus, goats cheese and uncooked veggies)
perfect foods bar lite
a ginger, carrot, celery, and kale juice
smallsmall endive salad (cheesecake factory)
gave in- 3 pieces of bread
2 raw chocolate, cocnut truffles

ooowwwww... my stomach....

Date:	2010-08-17 17:56
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hot

Woke up feeling a little light headed today.

Started off the day with an 8 ounce class of OJ w/green super food and about 1-2cups of watermelon.

Head a half of a raw foods banana nut bar as a snack

Then had a chopped spinach, onion, asparagus, (some sort of cheese) corn and radish salad with the dressing on the side.

Had about a cup of the cocoa raw granola- felt sick...really full. Also saw that is was 300 calories per 1/3 cup. Maybe that made me worried as well. Also started burping a lot after this meal (of salad and granola, kept eating the salad even when I was full, and then ate granola..no idea why!).

Had a perfect foods bar lite (cranberry) with a 2 ounce shot of wheatgrass.

Stopped by a Starbucks, could not resist a caramel frappachino (light) due to the heat and the fact that I was there for meeting. Felt like I needed something to do/drink when I was there. Noottt good?

Went to friends house, saw weird dark cocoa pineapple beans- (size of bbgun bullet) had to try about 5. Oy- see that? "Had" to try- when, no! I didn't HAVE to try anything. (realizing diet is crumbling after frappacino) After really wanting more sweets, chocolate, cookie dough, anything! My friend offered blueberries, and I happily accepted. I had about 15-20, as the batch was starting to go bad. I am very tired now, not sure if it's the heat or the fact that I had processed chocolate or that I've been driving all over today for auditions. But...one day at a time.

I can tell you one thing is for sure, I don't think I've been drinking enough water. I haven't even finished the Whole Foods (electrolyte enhanced) water bottle. Hm.. eating more instead of drinking more?

I also don't think I'm leaving enough time in between meals. I think I will usually get hungry and/or crave another meal about one to two hours after a meal- no matter how big or small. I guess I have to learn patience, even though I want to see and feel the results now. I hope my proportions will get smaller eventually. At the moment all I see is my big belly and feel bloated and upset that I can no longer fit in my size 6 jeans...or, well I can- it's just more of an effort.

Annndddd- those are the thoughts of the day!

Signing off,

~(*~