love not lost or left behind just hidden secretly to find
Okay, this sucks. It's sudden, and it sucks, and apparently the flashing... black... lines that suddenly appeared on my screen do not want it either. But dfgjkfg I've got to do it. Gotta do it now, or my backbone'll break, and I'll never do it ever. Okay. Okay, here goes. DEEP BREATH SELF: Exhale.
Time to go.
Until recently, I was on the school-school-university express train through adolescence and into adulthood. Top of my class primary kid got into a good school for secondary education blablabla whatever and then I decided I wasn't happy, made some incredibly braveorstupid decisions, and these have led me to where I am today. Which, at present, is doing shitall and sitting around on my ass waiting for something to happen. I’m tired of doing that. I've been doing that ever since puberty came along and smacked me in the vagina with it's great big bloodthirsty mothertrucking sledgehammer. Had enough. I want to take the initiative to make those decisions I made into brave ones. I want to take control of those first few baby steps and make them worthwhile. Aim: No more sitting or crawling. I want to walk. I have the chance now, and the time, and it's coming up close to the appointed hour when I need to throw caution and self-consciousness and fearfearpleasedon’tletmefailohmygod to the wind and start playing lead in my own life, instead of sitting back and hoping someone else will come along to do it for me. (I'm not a good actress. I get stage-fright when the lights shine in my eyes).
Hnnnnngh, but please don't get me wrong. You guys have pretty much been the highlights of my every day for however long I’ve known you, and I love you eternally for it, but at the moment that in itself is probably kind of a bad thing, too? It's like... right now, my average day is a school dinner. You get the lumpy mash, the arethesecarrotsorthosetinywoodencubesyou
I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve left school now. I’m done with learning what I’m told, done working flat out for a cause I don't want to achieve. I got bored, I got tired, and I moved on. I made the braveststupidest decision I’ve ever had to, and I chose to leave behind the only thing I knew in search of something I don't. What I wanted, who I wanted to be. Who I was and who I could be, where I could go and what I could do. There’s a whole world out there, I realised, and all I ever see of it are these four walls. Too young to live like that. Too many years left to look back on these and think, "Wow, what a waste". I don’t want to grow up to hate myself. I don’t want to grow up to be disappointed in myself. I want to grow up to be a person I can be proud of. I want to be the kind of person who, even if I step out on this great, ready-fucked adventure and find that everything falls face first flat down around my ears, I can still stand here, quite happy, and say ‘I tried’.
You guys have seen me through the best years of my life, so far. There’ve been good times, awkward times, growing times in which some of you had to put up with the most ridiculous ridiculousness from me holy shit I was a lame 11-15 year old. Okay, I’m still pretty lame, but that’s irrelevant shut up. But really, all said and done, each and every one of you have been the best guardians in your own little way. Some of you I’ve only known for a few months, but reading your little insights and crazinesses and enjoying the things you write and the characters you play has been the most fun. Others I’ve known longer, and have helped me through times that might have been hard, were I more inclined to actually notice what's going on around me rather than mindlessly scoffing down those old school dinners. On your days, the pink custard was extra sweet—it didn’t matter that the potato was a little more lumpy, or the meat a little more questionable.
I love you. In some way, big or small, I really do. This isn’t a ‘kay whatever bye i’ll see you never’, I don’t intend to disappear, it’s just an ‘I Need A Break’. More specifically, it’s an 'I Need A Cooking Break'. I’m abandoning school dinners (I’ve grown out of them anyway) and moving on to greener pastures. Time to learn to make my own food for a change, y'know? Everyone has to learn sometime. I’ll be back just as soon as I’ve got a good head start on the recipe for my favourite meal, just so I can share it out, and top it all off with a much deserved bowl of my absolute favourite Pink Custard.
It's pretty much certain I won’t be gone completely. I’ll still be lurkin’ around, plurkin’ around occasionally I don’t doubt. Feel free to AIM me (loveslostlabours) or email me (barbedwirerose@hotmail.co.uk) or plurk me whenever you want me and I’ll get back to you whenever I’m around, or I can give you my mobile number if anyone wants it (but ugh, I’m figuring it’ll cost a ton for any of you people across the pond to contact me here via that route anyway so.) You guys'll also have to put up with occasional TALK TO ME LOVE ME INTEREST ME DISTRACT ME pleas via aim because holy shit this is going to be the first time in nearly 6 years of use that I've attempted a full-out internet hiatus, and cold turkey just is not going to work. It's official: I've never taken drugs and I suck at drinking, but the internet is my primary addiction. Also, I’ll probably be pestering you all for addresses soon enough, since I’ve decided I want to start writing letters and sending people things, and it doesn’t cost too much to send letter overseas, so if anyone wants to leave me their address you can expect a letter in the post pretty promptly and I'll be super grateful!
Okay. That about wraps that up, huh.
... well. Catch you later, then, Super Awesome Alligators!
Time to go.
Until recently, I was on the school-school-university express train through adolescence and into adulthood. Top of my class primary kid got into a good school for secondary education blablabla whatever and then I decided I wasn't happy, made some incredibly braveorstupid decisions, and these have led me to where I am today. Which, at present, is doing shitall and sitting around on my ass waiting for something to happen. I’m tired of doing that. I've been doing that ever since puberty came along and smacked me in the vagina with it's great big bloodthirsty mothertrucking sledgehammer. Had enough. I want to take the initiative to make those decisions I made into brave ones. I want to take control of those first few baby steps and make them worthwhile. Aim: No more sitting or crawling. I want to walk. I have the chance now, and the time, and it's coming up close to the appointed hour when I need to throw caution and self-consciousness and fearfearpleasedon’tletmefailohmygod to the wind and start playing lead in my own life, instead of sitting back and hoping someone else will come along to do it for me. (I'm not a good actress. I get stage-fright when the lights shine in my eyes).
Hnnnnngh, but please don't get me wrong. You guys have pretty much been the highlights of my every day for however long I’ve known you, and I love you eternally for it, but at the moment that in itself is probably kind of a bad thing, too? It's like... right now, my average day is a school dinner. You get the lumpy mash, the arethesecarrotsorthosetinywoodencubesyou
I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve left school now. I’m done with learning what I’m told, done working flat out for a cause I don't want to achieve. I got bored, I got tired, and I moved on. I made the braveststupidest decision I’ve ever had to, and I chose to leave behind the only thing I knew in search of something I don't. What I wanted, who I wanted to be. Who I was and who I could be, where I could go and what I could do. There’s a whole world out there, I realised, and all I ever see of it are these four walls. Too young to live like that. Too many years left to look back on these and think, "Wow, what a waste". I don’t want to grow up to hate myself. I don’t want to grow up to be disappointed in myself. I want to grow up to be a person I can be proud of. I want to be the kind of person who, even if I step out on this great, ready-fucked adventure and find that everything falls face first flat down around my ears, I can still stand here, quite happy, and say ‘I tried’.
You guys have seen me through the best years of my life, so far. There’ve been good times, awkward times, growing times in which some of you had to put up with the most ridiculous ridiculousness from me holy shit I was a lame 11-15 year old. Okay, I’m still pretty lame, but that’s irrelevant shut up. But really, all said and done, each and every one of you have been the best guardians in your own little way. Some of you I’ve only known for a few months, but reading your little insights and crazinesses and enjoying the things you write and the characters you play has been the most fun. Others I’ve known longer, and have helped me through times that might have been hard, were I more inclined to actually notice what's going on around me rather than mindlessly scoffing down those old school dinners. On your days, the pink custard was extra sweet—it didn’t matter that the potato was a little more lumpy, or the meat a little more questionable.
I love you. In some way, big or small, I really do. This isn’t a ‘kay whatever bye i’ll see you never’, I don’t intend to disappear, it’s just an ‘I Need A Break’. More specifically, it’s an 'I Need A Cooking Break'. I’m abandoning school dinners (I’ve grown out of them anyway) and moving on to greener pastures. Time to learn to make my own food for a change, y'know? Everyone has to learn sometime. I’ll be back just as soon as I’ve got a good head start on the recipe for my favourite meal, just so I can share it out, and top it all off with a much deserved bowl of my absolute favourite Pink Custard.
It's pretty much certain I won’t be gone completely. I’ll still be lurkin’ around, plurkin’ around occasionally I don’t doubt. Feel free to AIM me (loveslostlabours) or email me (barbedwirerose@hotmail.co.uk) or plurk me whenever you want me and I’ll get back to you whenever I’m around, or I can give you my mobile number if anyone wants it (but ugh, I’m figuring it’ll cost a ton for any of you people across the pond to contact me here via that route anyway so.) You guys'll also have to put up with occasional TALK TO ME LOVE ME INTEREST ME DISTRACT ME pleas via aim because holy shit this is going to be the first time in nearly 6 years of use that I've attempted a full-out internet hiatus, and cold turkey just is not going to work. It's official: I've never taken drugs and I suck at drinking, but the internet is my primary addiction. Also, I’ll probably be pestering you all for addresses soon enough, since I’ve decided I want to start writing letters and sending people things, and it doesn’t cost too much to send letter overseas, so if anyone wants to leave me their address you can expect a letter in the post pretty promptly and I'll be super grateful!
Okay. That about wraps that up, huh.
... well. Catch you later, then, Super Awesome Alligators!