Until the weight of all the pieces began to seep into my life causing a sensation of detachment from the present, thumping wings of fear were ever present, and the desire to fully abandon myself grew stronger.

I read somewhere once, that in order to heal you must first learn to let go of the past and live in the now. Easier said than done.

Let it go, let it be.

The truth of being free is to lose all attachment and live in the now, no boundaries or restrictions just singular existence.

We strive for freedom yet attachment is inherent.

Can one ever be free?

only in the mind it seems.

How do you know when you’re lost and what is the moment of realisation?

Is it like desperately trying to retrace your steps to return to the place you once were whether you felt safe in the familiar surroundings or not doesn’t enter your thoughts only the deep desire to return to what you once knew. The abyss of being lost of leaving it behind and removing the ties that have bound you so tightly creating the you that you’ve come to know it takes bravery to remain lost for it’s there you will truly find yourself.

It has taken me many years to notice that the outer shell I clung to was causing me harm far from being my saviour the stone I carried in my soul pushed firmly against connections, limiting my internal dialogue by reminding me of past hurts and the need to escape when things became too difficult for me. Instead of helping me grow I disconnected from others and eventually myself each time recreating a new ‘me’ that would eventually slip from my grasp.

My perception was that I wasn’t wanted. so, I would leave first, before the ‘Believed inevitable happened’ in order to protect myself.

I made choices of partners whom I didn’t fully consider a ‘soul mate’ in order to keep the pain at bay, therefore living half a life.

I realise now that never truly loved, nor wanted these people in my life. so, their leaving would never cause me pain. however the pain I caused them was unforgivable as they tried to connect with someone who could never connect. for these acts, I am truly sorry, they didn’t deserve to be cast aside so mindlessly, they too deserved to be loved, and I used their need to be loved to appease my own deep seated abandoned self.

I owe myself an apology too, for abandoning myself. I know now and I understand that I did this to protect my own mind but the realisation that I had done this was so overwhelming. My journey to completeness opened my eyes up to the realisation that I had caused harm, not only to myself but also to those who had tried to love me.

I didn’t know, that in order to receive the love and acceptance I so desperately craved, I would first need to release the stone I carried within and drop completely down into the abyss of emptiness.

Yet somehow, throughout my chaotic life I had created a life that contained my 3 daughters, with whom I had forged a bond that I was determined not to break.

Something needed to change, and that change needed to come from me. No more could I hold onto the belief that I wasn’t wanted. I was deeply loved and it was the strength of this love from and for my children that I undertook the journey to release the past and enter into the abyss of freedom and whatever that would bring.

The abyss.

Laying back in the small wooden boat, She held on tightly to the rope that twisted and curled like an umbilical cord keeping her tethered to the shore. she drifted mindlessly under the bright stars shrouded in inky darkness and imagined the moonshine on water gently caressing the vessel that held her.

The middle of the lake had patiently waited for her for all these years. It’s sorrowful darkness called to her throughout time reminding her that it held the secrets of life. She avoided its call and desperately extracted herself from its hollow grip filling her life with fragments of herself; the journey to the other side of the lake required faith and courage yet the fear of entering the nothingness held back.

Throughout her life she had tested her grip on the rope that tied her to the shore, releasing it slightly and watching it slip through her fingers but the promise of freedom frightened her so that she held fast to the end of the rope just before it escaped the boat.

Tonight though was different. Tonight she had nothing left to lose. She closed her eyes and imagined reaching the middle of the lake and entering into the freedom it held, as she gradually uncurled her fingers until finally, with a dull splash, the rope let her go, and she silently slipped away.

She willed her pounding heart to relax refusing to climb onto the beating wings of the giant bird that swooped low offering salvation and pressed herself firmer into the tiny wooden boat that was now Bobbing along in the darkness, no longer tethered to the shore, the little boat rocked her gently and firmly towards the centre of the lake.

There was no going back now and a wave of disbelief pricked her bare arms. Her heart fluttered in a moment of dread but the lake’s gentle caress soothed her doubts and pulled her further on. She willed her eyes to remain closed; she didn’t want to break the spell of hope/faith. She neared the pulsing centre and heard its threatening hiss. This was the abyss the darkness of her soul, she was entering here at last to find the piece of herself that had been lost for so long, this was her journey. The lake held the answers, the lake held her soul, the lake knew her secrets, and the lake would lead her home.

Gently at first the boat began to spin around the edges of the lake’s giant throat. The little stone trembled in her hand, begging to be set free, for this was where it belonged. Yet, her fear of releasing the stone and remaining trapped in the dark abyss frightened her so that she held it tighter to her chest.

The spinning boat pulled her deeper into the giant throat of the hissing fury. Her tangled hair slapped her face calling out her weaknesses. until, at last, she tumbled from the boat. The stone, giddy in its own return to the lake, pulled her further down into the darkness. down, down, down, her fingers refusing to release its grip on the stone. A deepening void of nothingness surrounded her now, as she silently counted 1,2,3,4 and let the little stone go. The stone seemed to hover momentarily as if in disbelief . Separated at last, it began falling its hurried journey into the nothingness.

She was now alone, suspended in the space between darkness and light. Surrendering herself she lay into the emptiness of the darkness.

A dim light gradually appeared, flickering at first, a light from long ago. It grew brighter as it rushed towards her, smothering her in a homecoming embrace. She whirled and twisted within the light until finally the lake spat her out, renewed and reborn onto the water’s surface.

A crack of light opened the sky sending a soft sheen of dampness across her body washing away the pain while a soft warm breeze caressed her dry.

Baptised in morning dew he steadied her mind and gently blinked her eyes open daring not to move just yet her eyes took in the scene looking into a deep sky filled with stars.

She watched the golden rays of dawn as it crept gracefully across the sky as it extinguished the light from the stars first one by one then with a final flourish she watched as the dawn mixed the darkness diluting its heaviness. gently lifting the sky from the earth. early rays of light reached out searching its way through the hidden shadows lighting the way, illuminating the wonder of the the lake before brilliantly cracking open the night sky and waking the land once more.

Tiny laps of golden water tapped her along with giggling excitement. It welcomed her presence. playing and recalling the moments of her youth, the dreams she once held and the determination of her character bubbled to the surface. pressing her forward, toward the other side of the lake which had remained hidden for so long. revealing the faint impression of a path and the promise of wholeness once more.

The wings still beat often and the stone appears within my grasp. however, I have begun to soften and allow myself to release them. There was a time I needed them and they served and protected me. I have since discovered that their presence isn’t necessary for my survival. I am learning to let go of them in order to remain present. I learning to walk a path that I have created surrounded and loved by those who have remained. holding the hands of the little girls in my life now. I enter their laughter in the little games we share, the shroud lifts often now, to show me that I have, at last, reached the other side.

I wish I could say the journey has been easy that there is a formula or a trick but for me this hasn’t been the case. I’ve needed to carefully open the doors on my past, just enough to see the frozen parts of me that remain to this day stuck within their own trauma. Their need to escape and enter into my world now is frightening for me as they rush towards me. I keep them trapped inside to protect myself. I want to set them free but the fear that I wouldn’t survive keeps them firmly locked in. Little by little I enter their rooms standing at the doorway ready to run I am beginning to soften offering myself compassion and understanding as to why I created these rooms.

🦋