I believe my feelings on the subject are well-documented.

FIC: Didn't Know How Lost I Was (Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Poe/Finn/Rey, 10346 words)

annakovsky — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 22:40:18 GMT

HEY THAT STAR WARS MOVIE WAS PRETTY GOOD. LOOK WHAT IT MADE ME DO.

Title: Didn't Know How Lost I Was
Fandom: Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Length: 10,346 words
Rating: Explicit
Pairing: Poe/Finn/Rey (Poe/Finn, Finn/Rey, Poe/Rey)
Summary: Finn hasn't taken his suppressors since he escaped the First Order, and he doesn't know what's happening to his changing body. Poe helps. Then Finn wants him to help Rey too.

Yeahhhhhh, so this is basically pure PWP working a virginity-loss kink pretty hard. I have nothing to say for myself.

Who Reaps a Human Harvest in Alien Fields (The Martian, Beck/Johanssen/Watney, 16703 words)

annakovsky — Sat, 02 Jan 2016 19:41:06 GMT

What up, guys, for Yuletide this year I wrote long weird horror fic for The Martian with threesome sexytimes. I am who I am.

Title: Who Reaps a Human Harvest in Alien Fields
Fandom: The Martian (movie)
Length: 16,703 words
Rating: Explicit
Pairing: Chris Beck/Beth Johanssen/Mark Watney
Summary: Mark is pretty sure there's something up here with him, hunting him.

For thelittlestdoc. Title from Aeschylus: "Never may the wanton lord of war, insatiate of battle-cry, Ares, who reaps a human harvest in alien fields, destroy this Pelasgian land by fire."

Dear Yuletide 2015

annakovsky — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 01:58:52 GMT

Dear Yuletide author,

I have taken a few years off from Yuletide, but this year I'm back in, and I'm excited! I am psyched you are writing for me and I hope this wretched letter will be helpful. Feel free to ignore anything that doesn't float your boat, I am mostly throwing out a bunch of stuff in hopes it will spark an idea for you.

General likes: I really love tropes and weird dumb stuff (bodyswap! time travel! pretending to be married/dating! repeating the same day over and over! only one bed in this hotel room! waking up in an alternate timeline! de-aging! the FBI ball! babyfic!). I like anything creative and weird and an unusual take on things; experimental formats; things that are funny.

If you like writing porn, I like reading it.

General dislikes: I don't really have triggers, so we're cool. The only big type of fic I'm not into is character introspection/internal monologue where a character doesn't really do anything or interact with anyone. Otherwise, the world is your oyster.

On to specific prompts! Italicized stuff is what I put in the Yuletide box, commentary on those requests is non-italicized below!

British Royalty RPF (Prince Harry, Kate Middleton, Prince William): I would be super into fic where Prince Harry has a thing for Kate Middleton in some way. I would be all over it whether he just has a secret thing for her and she has no idea, or if they were sneaking around behind William's back, or frankly, if all three of them messed around sometimes. I don't know, can't explain it. Could be set pre- or post-kids, or pre- or post-wedding.

I KNOW THIS IS A DUMB THING TO WISH FOR BUT THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS. I went from zero to sixty on this in about 10 seconds years ago (documented at the end of this livejournal entry from 2011!) and am still so into the idea. It is just really interesting to think about how the three of them are always together at state dinners or whatever other boring events, and how it's been the three of them for KIND OF FOREVER (because let's face it, Harry's on-and-off girlfriends don't matter). How Kate is kind of the perfect royal wife and seems really cool in general, so Harry will never find anyone as good, and how Harry and William are best friends and were born into this bizarre life that they probably thought no one else could ever understand. Would definitely be into the threesome option, but any of the above would be amazing!

Bedrooms and Hallways (Leo, Brendan): I super shipped Leo/Brendan, and was very disappointed this movie did not end up with them together the way it CLEARLY SHOULD HAVE BASED ON ROMCOM NARRATIVE CONVENTIONS. I would love fix-it fic where they get together in the end, or run into each other post-movie and get back together! Or I would also enjoy porn and/or makeouts set during the movie.

This weird movie is set up so much like a romcom, and then it DOES NOT DELIVER, I was very aggravated. Though I got to this movie because I watched all of Rome and was super into Mark Antony, and then lo and behold, there is this weird modern AU movie where Mark Antony and Vorenus hook-up, like a beautiful slashy fanfic dream, I honestly still can't believe it's real. So idek, except I would really like shippy fic for these two and I am psyched you offered this movie because I got really excited when I saw it in the tagset. I could also definitely be into fic dealing with their weird triangle, or Brendan's sexual identity (non-)crisis, and I really enjoyed how Brendan got kind of cranky and possessive before he admitted he wanted to bone Leo. Any of that would be great!

Veep (Dan Egan, Amy Brookheimer): I really ship Dan/Amy and would be excited for any fic about the two of them! I like how they're both horrible and don't try to hide it, and how they are weirdly kindred spirits in spite of everything. I very much enjoy how Amy being terrible makes Dan like her even more, how they allegedly hate each other but just want to hang out constantly in season 4. I'd love anything exploring their past or future relationship!

I feel like tropes would work suuuuuper well for Dan/Amy, I would love a good, idk, stuck-in-a-time-loop fic about them. But so much would be so great for them, they are very MFEO. I'm really curious about their past dating history (did he really "break her heart"?????? to the extent that Amy TOLD HER MOTHER that????) and I'd love to see Dan forced to spend time with Amy's family. But I'd also love fic set in basically any time frame -- now that neither of them work for Selina anymore, or back when they were on the campaign trail together and probably spending way too much time in shitty hotel rooms and on a shitty campaign bus, driving each other crazy. Also remember how Dan got super jealous when Amy was dating Ed, and how Amy hired a Dan-replacement when Dan had his nervous breakdown! Ugh stupid nerds, just kiss already!

For your reference, me on AO3, me on tumblr. Thanks again so much for writing for me! If you end up having any questions, you can ask kyrafic or tearupthesky, who know everything about me.

FIC: Never Could Be Sweeter Than With You (Avengers kidfic, Bruce/Tony/Pepper)

annakovsky — Fri, 01 May 2015 00:52:47 GMT

Ummmmm yeah so this is long OT3 kidfic, idk! Before the movie tonight totally josses it probably, cutting that deadline close.

Title: Never Could Be Sweeter Than With You
Fandom: The Avengers (movies)
Length: 37,000 words
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Bruce Banner/Tony Stark/Pepper Potts
Summary: Bruce is having a casual thing with Tony and Pepper; Tony has a 12-year-old daughter. Things get less casual.

(Written before Avengers 2. Sequel to Through the Jungle, Through the Dark, wherein Tony got the surprise tween daughter.)

P.S. HI GUYS.

FIC: Hand in Unlovable Hand (Veep, Amy/Dan, PG-13)

annakovsky — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 20:35:33 GMT

Yuletide reveals! I did not actually participate in Yuletide this year -- instead I decided that I would just handpick a prompt that appealed to me to write a treat for and that way, no pressure if I didn't finish it, no pressure about anything, really. And it was a GREAT DECISION -- I don't write my best for prompts that are assigned to me, and so I feel way happier with the way this fic came out, and it was way more fun all around. And it is more fun writing for someone you know!

ANYWAY, for irishmizzy, I wrote a fic where Amy and Dan from Veep get drunkenly married in Vegas and then stay married because it's good for their careers. I am honestly thinking about a sequel where they have a baby because it's good for their careers, because that sounds like something they would do and also I love babyfic.

Title: Hand in Unlovable Hand
Fandom: Veep
Length: 11,589 words
Rating: PG-13 (NO EXPLICIT SEX, WHO AM I)
Pairing: Amy Brookheimer/Dan Egan
Summary: The one where Amy and Dan get married in Vegas and then turn those lemons into career lemonade.

P.S. If you guys aren't watching Veep, YOU SHOULD, it's my favorite show right now. It's crazy funny and everyone is so mean! Even the ladies! And I feel like it's a leveling up of female-lead comedies, because it feels MUCH less explicitly about being a lady (they said they based Julia Louis-Dreyfus's character on LYNDON JOHNSON HAHA AMAZING) but also has some of the best treatments of sexual harassment/assault I've ever seen on TV, and just of the general grinding bullshit of being a lady in politics. Also she is a bad mother which is hilarious and amazing, I can't believe that's allowed. IN CONCLUSION, it has become clear in these later years that Julia Louis-Dreyfus was the real actor comedic talent from Seinfeld, I am stoked she keeps winning Emmys, and you should all watch that show!

holiday love meme

annakovsky — Mon, 09 Dec 2013 05:02:14 GMT

holiday love meme 2013

my thread here

I keep meaning to make a real post, but whatever, take this for now I guess! I MISS YOU NERDS.

FIC: Three of These Kids Belong Together (Fringe PWP, alternate Olivia/Lincoln/Charlie)

annakovsky — Sat, 14 Sep 2013 02:46:39 GMT

Real LJ post coming someday, probably, but in the meantime, HI THERE, do you want to read some super dirty sex pollen PWP for the Fringe alternate universe hot threesome? It was written in email and not originally intended to be actual fic, so it's still pretty rough, but whatevs, it's PWP, not literature.

Title: Three of These Kids Belong Together by me and tearupthesky
Fandom: Fringe
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Relationships: Alternate Olivia Dunham/Alternate Charlie Francis/Alternate Lincoln Lee, Alternate Olivia Dunham/Alternate Lincoln Lee, Alternate Olivia Dunham/Alternate Charlie Francis, Alternate Charlie Francis/Alternate Lincoln Lee
Characters: Alternate Olivia Dunham, Alternate Charlie Francis, Alternate Lincoln Lee
Additional Tags: Sex Pollen, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, Rimming, Double Penetration, Double Penetration in Two Holes, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Homophobic Language, Comment Fic, Dubious Consent, Vaginal Sex
Summary: In the alternate universe, Olivia and Lincoln and Charlie run into some sex pollen and then do dirty dirty things to each other. Commentfic. The rape/non-con warning is really a dubcon warning due to sex pollening, but to be safe!

Read it on the AO3.

All bets are off if you take a shower.

annakovsky — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 16:18:12 GMT

OH MY GOD, so I guess the universe heard me saying that I want to post more, because last night's TV was a FEELINGSPLOSION????????? I had Jamsomnia, you guys! I haven't had Jamsomnia in years!!!

New Girl -- SCREAMING FOREVER HOLY GOD I WAS NOT EXPECTING ANY OF THAT!!!!! I didn't even watch it live, because New Girl and Go On are my two favorite shows right now and they are on at the exact same time, so I watched Go On and then Mindy and then was like, oh, whatever, I will just watch New Girl as I'm getting ready for bed to unwind as my pre-bedtime activity. UM, BAD IDEA JEANS. THAT WAS NOT UNWINDING TELEVISION! AND BY THAT TIME THE INTERNET HAD GONE TO BED AND I WAS LEFT ALONE IN MY APARTMENT IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTIONS!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO I NORMALLY DO WITH MY HANDS???

Oh my God, I thought I was mildly into Nick/Jess but sort of ambivalent about it actually happening in canon, BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE, I GUESS, GIVEN THE STATE OF MY EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW? WAS THAT THE HOTTEST KISS EVER OR WHAT?!?!?!? ALL AGGRESSIVE! FOREHEAD PRESSING! JESS KISSING HIM BACK! HANDS EVERYWHERE! And Jake Johnson's face in the scenes before, all stressed out and sad!! Zoey D's stunned shocked face afterwards!!!! GOOD ACTING, YOU GUYS. AND I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY USED, LIKE, SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN TO SUCH GREAT EFFECT. I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY ACTUALLY WENT THERE IN CANON, I thought they would stretch it out for 8 seasons until nobody cared anymore!!!!!!!! WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING, WHERE ARE THEY GOING WITH THIS?!?! I am still a little bit in shock that it was not a dream sequence.

I don't have anything worthwhile to say here, I just needed to freak out into a text box and have other people freak out back at me. YOU GUYS, HOW BAD DO YOU WANT FIC FOR THIS AND ALSO THAT YOU WERE HOME RIGHT NOW SO YOU COULD WATCH IT AGAIN.

Other Stuff -- I don't actually have that much to say about other stuff anymore because THE NEW GIRL KISS HAS MINDWIPED ME, I GUESS I HAD WHAT NOW SEEM LIKE MODERATE FEELINGS ABOUT A REALLY GREAT EPISODE OF GO ON AND ALSO MINDY AND BJ, BUT WHO CAN EVEN REMEMBER, WATCHING THOSE FEELS LIKE YEARS AGO.

Seriously, how did TV come out of nowhere from being something I sort of mildly enjoyed into like, FULL ON FANNISH FEELINGS ABOUT LIKE A ZILLION THINGS AT ONCE. Also did you guys read that spoilery EW article about The Office and how THERE IS GOING TO BE A BOOM GUY ARC, BECAUSE I BASICALLY FEEL LIKE ALL OF THAT IS GOING TO KILL ME. If they have a great Pam storyline even at this point, that will basically redeem the whole show for me, NO PRESSURE, OFFICE. JUST ACKNOWLEDGE SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE PROTAGONIST AND I CAN DIE HAPPY.

As for Mindy and BJ, are they kidding me with this?? Does she sit on his lap in real life?? Do they see themselves as being in a romcom where they eventually get together and everyone around them ships them?? Because it seems like they do! IN THAT ARTICLE YESTERDAY, DID BJ SAY THEY ARE NOT DATING BECAUSE THEY ARE ACTUALLY SECRETLY MARRIED? Because who even describes THEMSELVES as "best friends with great chemistry," that is 100% ridiculous.

Haha actually at this point, the only thing with Mindy/BJ is that I feel like their real life is a show dragging out the UST for 8 seasons until nobody cares anymore. YOU GUYS, THE TEASING HAS TO STOP, IT IS ALMOST GETTING BORING. JUST ADMIT YOU'RE DOING IT ALREADY.

OKAY DEEP BREATH. GOTTA DO SOME WORK OR SOMETHING. OR STARE INTO SPACE THINKING ABOUT NICK AND JESS BONING. WHATEVER.

You're going to make it after all.

annakovsky — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 19:10:13 GMT

HELLO YOU GUYS, guess what, I wrote a yuletide fic and I'm going to link it now even though it's almost February and I am ridiculous:

Another Dime in the Jukebox for tearupthesky (LOLOL REMEMBER HOW SHE GOT ME TWO YEARS IN A ROW, I guess what goes around comes around?????) -- Jason Sudeikis/Kristen Wiig. Saturday Night Live RPF. PG-13, no warnings. 3000 words. Kristen didn’t tell him she was coming back for the Christmas show.

This was a terrible year to sign up for yuletide because I totally got a job and moved to Madison, Wisconsin in November, soooooo yeah, that is why I've been so MIA around here and also the rest of the internet for the last forever. Why do new jobs/apartments/friends take up so much energy?!?! It's pretty sweet, though, I am getting paid money and it's a pretty cool job and I am making friends and there's even a boy I like, which hasn't happened in forever. Basically:

(P.S. I am totally rewatching the Mary Tyler Moore show right now and it holds up DISTRESSINGLY WELL. Also I keep wanting to make, like, a vid juxtaposing Mary & Lou Grant with Liz Lemon & Jack Donaghy and Leslie Knope & Ron Swanson, because talk about direct descendants, especially Liz/Jack. Maybe someday [after retirement?] I will have the time to do this.)

Fannishly, I have 6000 words of a New Girl babyfic written (post that episode with the fertility nonsense), and like 1500 words of a Go On fic written, but who knows if I will ever finish anything ever again. (Is Anne from Go On the greatest character ever or what? Discuss.) Also I am having a lot of emotions about 30 Rock ending and I have the same Boom Guy feelings re: The Office as everybody else (SOMEONE IS WRITING FIC, RIGHT? The Office feelings in 2013 ARE UNSETTLING).

Today I started toying with the idea of resuscitating nothing_hip with once-a-month songs to try to get myself to finish something -- would anybody be in for this? (It's a fic challenge community where as a prompt I upload an awesome but not cool song, usually Top 40 pop kind of stuff, and then you write whatever you want. Will there be One Direction songs? PROBABLY.) LET'S DO IT, LJ RENAISSANCE AMIRITE.

Dear Yuletide 2012

annakovsky — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 19:10:13 GMT

Dear Yuletide author,

For my long list of general likes and dislikes that probably bores everybody, see my past letters! 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011. The more recent ones are more helpful than the less recent ones. The short version of my likes and dislikes is, I like things to be weird, and I don't have triggers. The mnemonic version is Underaged Space Incest. Would I be cool with this story as underaged incest set in a space AU? Yes.

Specific requests (what I wrote in the yuletide box in italics, more info in regular text):

Saturday Night Live RPF (Seth/Amy) -- I suuuuuuuuuuper ship Seth and Amy. I love how Seth always says she's his best friend from the cast, and how Seth was the only one with her on her Best Of commentary, and how delighted they always seem to be to be in each other's company. He was clearly her SNL work-husband, and I love how they were new kids the same year, and Seth still doing the Amy tap at the end of Weekend Update kills me. Any fic where they make out and/or have sexytimes would be awesome, especially now that she is divorced from Arnett! I would especially love fic set post-divorce, but if you feel weird about that, anything else is fine too, real world or AU.

Yes, that IS mostly my prompt from last year. Now that Poehler is divorced, the world needs Seth/Amy, it's the only upside. Don't care what you do with Seth's girlfriend. P.S. Would I enjoy seeing Seth having to interact with his mortal enemy who took Amy away from him, i.e., Archie Arnett? Yes. (Though I totally understand if that bothers you, obviously it is not necessary!)

The Voice RPF (Blake/Christina) -- Remember how Blake was a Christina Aguilera SUPERFAN for years before he ever met her? I would love fic where they do it (or make out, or want to do it), like, a lot a lot a lot. Only way you can go wrong is to insert Adam Levine into this as a love interest for either one of them, because I hate that misogynist so much. (I'm okay with him appearing as long as we're all clear on the fact that he's the worst.) Also I don't care that much what you do with Miranda and Matt, do what you gotta do. I'd prefer no one to get demonized, but I don't have strong feelings about either one of them, so. AUs are also super cool! Or Blake taking her fishing (and then doing it)! Or, like, write the Your Body video scenario where all the dudes Christina kills are Adam, and then she goes and finds Blake in her pickup truck and they Bonnie and Clyde it! So many options!

Yep, love them! They have been super flirty lately, too. I really enjoy how they've been besties ever since Adam lost his mind during the bitch incident at the end of season 2. (Sorry if you like Adam. I will never forgive him for that.) Things that could be possible prompts: this clearly spurious tabloid article that is canon of my heart and gives me a lot of feelings! Blake making Christina his marital free pass! Basically anything with the two of them that is not misogynistic (whyyyy Christina attracts so much misogyny is beyond me) will thrill my heart.

Greek and Roman Mythology (Ariadne, Theseus) -- I would really like a modern (or other alternate setting; apocalyptic, pirate, whatever!) retelling of the Labyrinth myth, focusing on Ariadne. Feminist retellings of fairy tales/myths are so awesome, and she is a totally fascinating character. Also of late I have seen a lot of Minotaur imagery in pop culture (on Dexter, a serial killer dressed up like the Minotaur; Katy Perry's Wide Awake video), so creepy/horror retellings would also be really welcome! There are a lot of directions to take this, and I would be into any of them.

I'm more interested in Ariadne than Theseus, obviously, so I'm cool with anything centered on her, shippy or not, giving her depth and agency. There's a lot of interesting motifs in this myth -- the tribute of 7 boys and 7 girls thing that's so creepy and has that Hunger Games appeal; the maze and monster that are pretty compelling images. I feel like there are a lot of different interesting settings that could bring out new things in the story or shift the focus, so I'd be into anything creative there. I love modern allusions to this myth; the ones I mentioned above, or things like the character of Ariadne in Inception, so that kind of thing is also welcome! (By which I mean, a straight retelling that's accurate to the myth is not necessary -- you could tell a different story with similar images/themes, for instance.) Go into your id and find what appeals to you on this one, dear yuletider. (Also if you want to stick to an ancient Greek setting, that is okay too, I am just trying to give a lot of prompts! Keep it interesting and you'll be golden.)

So yeah, hope that all helps! You can always ask kyrafic or tearupthesky for help if you need it, they know everything I like.

(And as always, write what you want, I will love anything for these fandoms! I have very catholic tastes.)

I don't believe in judging art.

annakovsky — Mon, 24 Sep 2012 18:42:09 GMT

So a Catholic church in my city has two almost-full skeletons of saints, which is pretty crazy. And apparently they just had the relics analyzed by archaeologists, so that's kind of interesting, so I was reading the news article about it in the local paper, and then hit this: "Catholics venerate relics in part as a reminder of the saint’s holiness and to pray for their intercession, a practice that is alien to many Protestants who view it as idolatrous and ghoulish."

Lolololol WOW, don't hold back, Courier-Journal, way to keep it professional. GHOULISH.

Anyway, let's talk TV!

The Emmys -- I know this is like saying water is wet, but lol the Emmys are so incredibly lame I can't even. I really, really, really wanted Kristen Wiig and Amy Poehler to win, though, so I am actually bummed about that. Especially Wiig, because at least Julia Louis-Dreyfus is good and Veep is a funny show and not, like, one of the most derivative things on television, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT.

Thank God Poehler's bit was amazing, and she inspired the Daily Show dudes to do one too, FAVORITE PEOPLE. Also P.S. like all humans I am bummed about Poehler's divorce, but also I'm a Seth/Amy shipper so I'm drowning my sorrows in that, IF ANYBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. Anecdote: APPARENTLY, over the summer Amy was seen on the street in New York with Seth, CRYING. !!!!!!!! (The source on that was: on, like, the 9th page of ONTD comments on a blind item about her divorce, someone said they had seen someone talking about it on a friend of a friend's twitter. Or as this source will henceforth be known, GOSPEL TRUTH MAGAZINE. I WILL HEAR NO DISSENT ON THIS.)

The Office -- An episode of The Office caused me to have an emotional reaction… is that normal???

This was so weird, that show had gotten so bad that I had no idea why I was ever into it, and then this episode reminded me why. W-welcome back, Greg Daniels, I guess? They used to be so good at those small, quiet emotional moments, and it is basically INSANE that I had Jim Halpert feelings in 2012. So I'm psyched, especially with ALSO GETTING TO HEAR THE DOCUMENTARY CREW, WHICH IS SOMETHING moireach AND I USED TO HAVE LONG CONVERSATIONS ABOUT ALL THE TIME AS OUR DREAM SCENARIO. I almost had a heart attack. Haha as you know, we were super cool in 2006 and also now. Anyway, I'm really hoping they do some good stuff with Pam, though -- they've character-assassinated her so bad I don't want to get my hopes up, and it was disappointing to have Jim wanting stuff and her not wanting stuff, when canonically in the past Pam was the one with hopes and dreams while all Jim ever wanted was Pam. But we'll see how it goes, I guess. This show has always been terrible demographically anyway, so whatevs.

Parks and Rec -- Yeahhhhhh so I actually quit watching this show after Dave's Return last year because I was finding it so upsetting? I eventually picked it back up and watched the back half, but in terms of fannishness we are pretty officially dunzo. I just -- I hate the way Ben talks to Leslie like a disobedient child so much, you guys. I hate it so much. Anyway, I actually mostly liked this episode, I feel like the quality was almost back to pre-Ben standards. Buuuut I still want Ben to fall in a well and die and I'm trying to just ignore his character, especially this retcon of him being AMAZINGLY GOOD AT CAMPAIGNING, which if I start thinking about too hard, it's like flames on the side of my face, etc.

The Voice -- This was my new fannish show of last spring! And now also another show where I have to try to watch it around a misogynistic asshole. ADAM LEVINE, I HATE YOU SO MUCH, I HOPE YOU FALL DOWN AN EVEN DEEPER WELL. Anyway, Blake Shelton is my favorite though (so handsome! so funny! so weirdly sincere and attached to his girls esp. in season 1!) and I ship Blake/Christina pretty hard these days and I wish there was some actual fic. As it stands, the only Blake fic in existence (to my knowledge) is Blake/Adam, which is just depressing. MY ONLY LOVE BANGING MY ONLY HATE, ETC. The other bad thing about the show is this running-their-only-hit-into-the-ground thing NBC is doing with having another season already, and making the teams SO BIG. Like holy crap, how many sob stories do I have to sit through at this point. Haha I watched one episode with my mom and when Carson voice-overed, "For our next contestant, music gave her the strength to go on," (or something like that) my mom said, "WHAT????" in the most sarcastic voice I have ever heard her use in my whole life. Lol when your repetitive narratives drive moms to sarcasm.

Anyway, but remember that time Christina sat on Blake's lap in their performance to open the season??? Let's focus on that, okay everybody, okay, I'm glad we agree on this.

FIC: This Colder Air (The Office gen)

annakovsky — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 00:38:03 GMT

Loling forever over this, GUESS WHAT, GUYS, WE FINISHED THE MOSEPOCALYPSE. EVERYONE IS STILL REALLY INTO THE OFFICE, RIGHT???????? What am I saying, why wouldn't you be, the quality of that show remains impeccable.

Title: This Colder Air
Authors: kyrafic and annakovsky
Fandom: The Office hahahahahahaha
Rating: PG
Length: 13,600 words
Author's Notes: Goes AU during season 3. We wrote 80% of this story in 2007, then abandoned it, then for some reason picked it up again now. Read it on the AO3.
Warnings: Character death.
Summary: This is the best apocalypse Mose has ever had.

( In the evenings, Toby turns the radio dial compulsively, spiraling through the static with his head tilted, listening. )

FIC: Abnormal Psychology and Domestic Terrorism (Troy/Abed)

annakovsky — Thu, 17 May 2012 15:39:09 GMT

Title: Abnormal Psychology and Domestic Terrorism
Fandom: Community
Pairing: Troy/Abed (Jeff/Britta, Abed/Britta)
Rating: PG
Length: 6200 words
Author's Notes: This is set after Troy and Abed moved in together, but before Annie moved in with them. For moireach, on the occasion of her impending nuptials.
Warnings: Vandalism, monkey death.
Summary: The one where it turns out Abed's been accidentally reenacting Fight Club this whole time.

**

Abed is looking forward to starting at Greendale Community College. He likes the pilot episode vibe of the first day at a new school, everything awash in possibility, characters and setting just getting introduced.

That said, it's always been clear to Abed that he's not the protagonist of whatever show he happens to be on. He could be the quirky sidekick in an ensemble show, sure, but it would take an unconventional show to even include someone like Abed as a sidekick, so let's face it, being a protagonist is totally out of reach. First of all, the protagonist should be white. A girl might be okay, maybe, more so if it's a teen show -- your Veronica Marses, your Buffys -- but a guy is better, and Abed thinks he's getting too old to be on a teen show anyway. And the protagonist should be taller than Abed, with a really good body, so he can take his shirt off for steamy sex scenes. Successful in his way, though maybe something of a loose cannon, a bad boy, attractive to women, the kind of charismatic figure that a regular cast would gather around. Someone with a complicated and somewhat implausible backstory. Abed is Arab and looks like Gumby, has seen every single episode of The X-Files and never made a friend -- there's no way Abed's the protagonist.

Luckily, he meets Jeff Winger his first day.

**

Abed moves in with Troy two years after they meet, in the third season. He thinks it will be fun, and it is fun, but having Troy around all the time is a little more overwhelming than Abed bargained for. When they're in the blanket fort, Troy is there, snugged up against his side, body hot against Abed's. Watching TV, he's there, their fingers accidentally brushing in the bowl of popcorn wedged between them. Everywhere he looks, there's Troy. Troy's toothbrush next to his in the Inspector Spacetime DARSIT toothbrush holder on their bathroom sink, Troy sleeping on the bunkbed above his. Troy walking around the apartment with his shirt off, jeans slung low on his hips.

It's a good thing they installed the Dreamatorium. It helps ease some of the pressure growing in Abed's head, siphon it off a little bit at a time before it gets to be too much.

**

Later, Abed would think that in retrospect, the day everything started was pretty ordinary.

After their morning classes, Troy and Abed climb up onto the roof of their apartment building with Abed's grappling hook to survey the area.

"I don't know," Abed says, looking down off the edge. Their building is only two stories tall, but that seems a lot higher when you're actually at the top. "It's pretty high."

"I think we could do it," Troy says. "We just have to hook this on the edge, and then scale down. It'd be badass."

Troy takes a step toward the edge of the roof, but his foot starts to slip, and he grabs at Abed's hand to steady himself, giving a panicky shriek at the same time. For a split second, it seems like he really might fall, but then Abed's pulling him back, and Troy's caught his balance, and everything's fine. Abed's heart is beating very, very fast.

"Oh my God," Troy says, gasping like he's going to hyperventilate. He doesn't much like heights, though he pretends he's not scared.

"Maybe this isn't a good idea," Abed says. Troy's hand is big, wrapped around Abed's, and he hasn't let go yet. "Someone could get hurt."

"Yeah," Troy says. If anything, he's holding Abed's hand tighter. Abed feels like he's starting to get a headache, and he wants to go play in the Dreamatorium very, very badly.

"Troy," Abed says. "You're holding my hand."

"Oh," Troy says. He laughs a little oddly, and lets go. "Sorry. Hey, look, we're going to be late for study group."

Crap. They are. Abed was hoping they could get in a round of Space Pirates in the Dreamatorium to let off some steam before they had to go to campus.

But instead they have to grab their stuff and walk over to the library, passing the dean's office and the Spanish building on the way. In the study room, Britta and Annie are talking about The Hunger Games books (Annie is Team Peeta; Britta is Team Katniss Needs a Man Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle), and Pierce is telling Shirley what, judging from her expression, is a very long and possibly racist joke. No one pays any attention to Troy and Abed coming in, which means Troy can bump Abed's shoulder and ask him if they can play Kickpuncher later. In Kickpuncher Abed usually plays the girl.

Before Abed can answer, Jeff walks in, slapping a sign down on the table. "Have you guys seen this?" he says, voice full of drama and outrage. Everyone gets up to go cluster around it. "They're raising tuition! The announcement was hanging outside the dean's office!"

"What?!" Britta says. "This is unconstitutional!"

Jeff is furious. Everyone else is mildly annoyed. "This is so typically Greendale," Jeff says. "I, for one, am sick of putting up with their bullshit."

**

Their protests of the tuition raise start small. Most of the study group isn't particularly interested. Even Troy. "Hey," he says to Abed in the morning. "You want to do shadow puppets after class?"

"I can't," Abed says, gathering up his books. "I have to help Britta make signs."

Troy's face falls. "Oh," he says.

"You can come too," Abed says, but Troy's face stays still and closed off.

"No," he says, his voice flat. "That's okay. You and Britta have fun together."

Abed almost points out that Jeff will be there too, but Troy's headed for the kitchen to make his morning bowl of Lucky Charms and it doesn't seem important enough to yell after him.

**

It takes a lot of work to hold a good protest. The three of them meet in the study room and spend hours organizing, thinking up clever slogans for the signs, way more than they need. "We have to think big," Jeff says, when Britta points out that it's way too many signs considering that so far they're the only ones who will be there.

"If you build it, they will come," Abed agrees. Jeff looks at him the annoyed way he does when he thinks Abed's quoting movies too much.

"Anyway," Jeff says, when he finishes glaring at Abed. "I'll recruit people. I think I can talk some of these sheep into coming to a little protest." He says it full of overconfident bluster, the way Jeff always does, like he'll have the whole campus at their protest without breaking a sweat. But Abed has to admit Jeff at least has the persuasive follow-through to justify the confidence.

Once they've got the slogans decided on, all they have to do is actually make the signs, magic markers and posterboard spread around them, but the whole process seems to take a lot longer than Abed expects. Pretty soon it's really late, library emptied out and dark except for their study room. Abed goes down the hall to use the bathroom, the hum of the fluorescent lights creepy in the silence.

He gets a little bit of a weird feeling on his way back, as he approaches the door of the study room, and slows down just in time to hear Britta saying, "Wow, so. You and me alone in the study room at midnight. That's never a good sign."

Abed pauses just on the other side of the door, hidden by the doorjamb. He can just see the sides of Jeff and Britta's heads.

"Are you saying you're going to jump my bones again?" Jeff says. From the tone of his voice, Abed thinks he's smirking.

"Shut up," Britta says, and punches him in the arm. "You're the one who's always making out with me."

They must know Abed's going to come back from the bathroom any minute, and if they actually looked towards the door they would probably see him, but Jeff and Britta are only focused on each other. Britta's hand is lingering against Jeff's arm.

Abed thinks about them drunkenly making out with each other right in front of him in the back of Jeff's car after Troy's twenty-first birthday party. Like he was a piece of furniture. As he thinks it, Jeff leans in.

Jeff and Britta end up having athletic sex on the table in the study room, as though they think Abed's never coming back from the bathroom at all. Britta makes a lot of noise. It seems like Jeff's pretty good at it. Abed sits in the hallway with his arms around his knees and waits for them to finish.

**

The protest is supposed to be the next day at three outside the administration building. Abed holds the giant pile of signs and stands next to Britta, who's fidgeting.

"Uh, yeah, so what do we do if no one else shows?" she says.

"Oh, they'll show," Jeff says, no sign of nerves behind his Ray-Bans.

Fat Neil shows up first. "Hey, buddy, grab a sign!" Jeff says, clapping him on the back. After him, there's Vicky and Garrett and Leonard and then a flood of people, some of whom Abed swears he's never seen before. Nice work, Jeff.

"All right," Britta says, around the time Abed's handing out their fiftieth sign. "I retract my worry."

Jeff smirks at her, sex in his look, and Abed might as well be invisible. Not that he minds. The protest is what's important now.

**

After that, the demonstrations really start taking off. The study room becomes their headquarters, a Grand Central Station buzzing with activity, signs being made and chants being recited, a mimeograph machine constantly running off protest fliers.

"Um," Annie says, one day when she comes by expecting their study group to be meeting, and instead is confronted with twenty people she doesn't know performing an impressive array of synchronized tasks. She looks at Jeff like he's lost his mind. "Don't you think this is a little extreme? It's only a four percent raise in tuition."

"It's the principle of the thing, Annie," Jeff says, not even pausing in sketching his diagram of the best way to break into the dean's office to stage a sit-in.

Annie takes a step closer. She looks a little insecure. "Is this about Britta?" she says in an undertone. They've got that whole love triangle thing going on -- Jeff really does an excellent job being the protagonist. You'd think he was using a checklist.

"What?" Jeff says as though that's outrageous, even though he and Britta have slept together two more times since that first night. Late nights in the study room planning coordinated acts of vandalism and all. "No! Don't be ridiculous."

Abed checks his phone. He has two missed calls from Troy. He hasn't been home since yesterday morning, but he's sure Troy's fine without him. He'll call him back later.

**

He forgets to call Troy back -- Jeff wants him to lead a squad of recruits to spray paint, Go fuck yourself, Greendale, on the overpass the dean drives under on his way to campus -- and he gets caught up in the mission.

He and his team have just gotten back to the study room, everyone laughing and talking, excited from pulling it off, when Troy appears in the doorway.

Abed can't get to him right away, has to make sure to finish congratulating everybody on a job well done first, but he eventually makes his way over. "Hey, Troy!" he says. "How're things?"

Even though everyone else in the room is smiling and celebrating, breaking open some root beer, Troy looks very serious. "Um, okay, I guess," he says.

"You want some root beer?" Abed says.

"No," Troy says. "Thanks. Hey, can we talk? In private?"

Abed shrugs, and they head for the side door leading outside the library.

"Why do you have paint on your hands?" Troy says.

"Oh," Abed says, turning his hands over. He hadn't noticed how green they are. "We were out doing some protesting. It went well." He scratches at the paint, flaking some of it off. He'll have to get some turpentine to really clean up.

"Okay," Troy says. He holds the door for Abed. The air outside is cool and clean, streetlights shining fuzzy circles of light on the pavement, sky going a deepening purple. It was a nice night for a secret mission.

"So what's up?" Abed says, once the door's shut behind them and no one else is around. He sits down on the steps in front of the door.

After a second Troy sits down beside him. He doesn't seem to know how to start. He picks up a twig from off the stairs and fiddles with it for a second. Finally he says, "Hey, are we okay?"

Abed blinks at him. "Of course," he says. "Why wouldn't we be okay?"

Troy shrugs, biting the inside of his cheek. "I don't know," he says. "It seems like you're avoiding me. And you've been acting really weird lately. Why are you running an army?"

"An army?" Abed says.

"That's what everyone's calling it," Troy says. "And all those guys in there were wearing commando clothes."

"Well, yeah," Abed says. "We have to wear black so people don't see us when we're on our missions."

Abed is about to go on to point out that he's not the one running things, that Jeff's the one in charge here, but before he can, Troy looks him full in the face for the first time in the conversation. His eyes look very dark, face open and vulnerable. "Abed," he says, and he puts his hand on top of Abed's, where it's resting on the concrete of the stairs.

Abed suddenly feels that same familiar stress-headache rushing on, like something in the back of his mind is making a high-pitched sound of alarm. The kind of headache he used to alleviate with the Dreamatorium, which he hasn't had to use since they started the protests. He stares at their hands, the pink beds of Troy's nails, the way his fingers overlap with Abed's. Abed can't think; his head hurts too bad, he feels dizzy and strange.

"Abed?" Troy says, from what seems like very far away. He doesn't move his hand.

"What are you doing?" Abed manages to say.

Behind them, Jeff flings open the door of the library.

"Nothing," Troy says, not turning his head at the sound of the door, still staring straight at Abed. "I just want to know if we're okay."

"What the hell is going on out here?" Jeff says.

"I don't know," Abed says, pulling his hand out from under Troy's. "I don't know."

"You don't know if we're okay?" Troy says. He looks alarmed.

"No," Abed says. "What? Of course we're okay."

"Abed, would you get back in here?" Jeff says. "We need you for the debrief. You can't keep disappearing on me."

"We are?" Troy says, still just focused on Abed.

"Yeah, sure, we're fine," Abed says to Troy. "Sorry, I have to go." He gets up and hurries back to the open door, not wanting to keep Jeff waiting.

"Um, okay... I guess I'll see you later?" Troy says from behind him. He sounds a little sad, but can't he see that Abed has a lot going on right now?

**

Abed goes to take a quick nap on one of the couches in the library, and wakes up feeling groggy and exhausted, with the vague sense that he slept longer than he meant to. It's dark outside, and he tries to stretch, get a kink out of his neck. He has no idea what time of day it is.

He wanders back toward the study room, trying to wake up, his thoughts still clouded and opaque. As he gets closer to the study room, the sense of energy picks up in the building, people in commando gear moving purposefully through the hall, some of them carrying what must be paintball guns, some of them baseball bats. Abed isn't sure what's going on. Most of them nod to him, but none of them pause, like they're all on their way somewhere important.

The situation's the same in the study room, which is crammed full of people all moving around each other in a complicated dance, the room smelling of sweat, hot with the pack of bodies. As Leonard passes him, Abed says, "Hey, Leonard, what time is it?"

Leonard blinks at him a little suspiciously. After a second he looks at his watch. "Eight-fifty-six synchronized project mayhem time, sir," Leonard says.

Abed... does not understand what most of those words mean in this context. "What?" he says.

"Three hours and four minutes till detonation," Leonard says. "Don't worry, sir. We're right on schedule."

"Detonation?" Abed says. "Detonation of what?"

Leonard still looks wary. "Is there a problem, sir?" he says.

Ugh, Jeff's right, Leonard is useless. "Never mind," Abed says, and pushes his way through the crowd, trying to find Jeff. He's got to be around here somewhere, and he's so tall, you'd think you'd be able to see him. Where did all these people come from, anyway? How long was he asleep?

"Out of the way!" Garrett's voice yells, coming from the hallway. People are already clearing a path for him, and a bunch of guys with shaved heads sweep the papers and weird tubs of chemicals off the study room tables.

Garrett's agitated and upset, cradling something in his arms, and when he puts it down on the table, it's the dead body of Annie's Boobs, its little monkey corpse limp and gory, blood all over the front of Garrett's shirt.

"Annie's Boobs!" Abed says, shoving his way forward through the crowd. Troy's going to be devastated. "Oh my God, what happened?"

"We were doing the mission, just like you said," Garrett says. Mission? Wait, like who said? "The monkey was going to crawl through the vents to let us into the science building, but they had guns!"

Abed shakes his head, trying to clear it. Everything is being very confusing, and he still feels so groggy, like he can't think straight. "Who had guns?" he says.

"Security!" Garrett says. "They must be amping up after all the vandalism! We didn't know!"

The monkey's blood is seeping out, puddling on the table under its body. This has gone way too far -- no tuition raise is worth dead monkeys and detonating anything. What are they detonating, anyway? "You idiots," Abed says. His voice comes out loud, loud enough that everyone stops talking and stares at him. God, though, that poor monkey. Troy loved that monkey. "Who's in charge here? Where's Jeff?" Everyone looks at each other. They shift uneasily but no one says anything. "Where is he?"

"Sir?" Garrett says.

What is wrong with everyone? "Never mind, I'll find him myself," Abed says, and pushes his way through the crowd and out the door.

He doesn't seen anyone else he knows in the entire rest of the library, even though everyone in there seems to be working on the protests in some form or another. It's not until he's outside that he finally sees Britta at the center of a knot of commandos, bent over what looks like a map of campus. Britta has eyeblack smeared across her cheekbones like a football player. "Britta?" Abed says.

Britta looks up and grins. "Oh, good, there you are," she says. She grabs his hand, pulling him a little bit away from the group.

"Britta," Abed says again, voice low so everyone else can't hear him. "We have to shut this down, things are getting out of control."

For some reason, she's still holding onto his hand, squeezing it conspiratorially. Their fingers are laced together, and her thumb is stroking Abed's skin, and seriously, what is going on with everybody?

"What?" she says, but still doesn't let go. "But the administration's about to cave! We're right on the verge of getting rid of this tuition hike forever. Everything's going according to plan."

"Wait," Abed says. "What plan? Are we detonating something? Leonard said we were detonating something, but since when are we detonating something?"

Britta blinks at him. She's still holding his hand, all casual like they do this all the time. Isn't she sleeping with Jeff? "Um... it's your plan, Abed. Why are you acting so weird?"

"I'm not acting weird, you're acting weird!" Abed says. He's starting to feel a little panicky, and his head is throbbing like crazy, like there's a hammer pounding on his forehead, and why won't anyone say anything that makes sense?

"Where have you been, anyway?" Britta says.

"Nowhere," he says. He reaches up to rub his temple with his free hand, God, how is this headache so bad? It feels like Athena's about to burst out of his skull. "I was -- I was just asleep, and when I woke up, everything was -- and why are you holding my hand?"

"Abed..." Britta says slowly. She looks like she's starting to get really concerned.

"Where's Jeff?" Abed says. He can barely see, the pain is so bad, but Jeff will know what's going on -- this has to be Jeff's plan, anyway, Jeff's been in charge of all these protests.

But Britta just looks even more confused. "Who's Jeff?" she says.

**

When Abed comes back to himself, he's running down the middle of the street, sneakers slapping against the pavement, footsteps a frantic metronome beating time underneath a high-pitched shriek coming from somewhere.

When Abed gasps for breath, the shriek stops. Oh. It's coming from Abed's mouth. That's interesting.

He slows down, holding the stitch in his side, looking around to try to figure out where he is. For a second he doesn't recognize anything, but then he sees the playground to his right and realizes he's at the park two blocks away from his apartment. No wonder he has a stitch in his side. He must've just run three full miles at a sprint.

He thinks he's probably thinking about the distance because he's in the middle of a massive freakout, but as he thinks that, he sees a person sitting on one of the swings. He takes a few tentative steps toward the figure; the silhouette looks familiar, those broad shoulders...

"Hi, Abed," Jeff says.

"Jeff," Abed says, relieved. He walks towards him more confidently, so thankful to have found him. "Why are you out here? What's going on?"

As he gets closer, he can finally make out Jeff's face; Jeff's shaved his head too, just like all those military-looking guys back at the library. He looks strange and unsettling like that. At Abed's questions, he shrugs. "Nothing's going on," he says, his voice a little sardonic. "Everything's normal."

Abed stares at him harder, trying to figure out what his deal is. "Jeff, why doesn't Britta know who you are?"

At that, Jeff makes the sarcastically wry face he makes when he's about to say something really condescending. "C'mon, Abed. I think you know."

"No," Abed says. "I really don't."

Jeff rolls his eyes. "Think," he says. "You're a lot of things, but you're not dumb. What possible explanation could there be for Britta not knowing who I am?"

Abed has a sudden strange mental image of himself and Britta, naked together in the bunkbed of his old dorm room from last year. But... Jeff was the one who slept with Britta in Abed's bunkbed. Abed just walked in on them. Why does he remember...?

Jeff smirks at him. "Remember that year you spent obsessed with Fight Club?"

Abed blinks rapidly, his breathing coming fast, a wave of dizziness washing over him. Fight Club. Wait. Did Leonard call this Project Mayhem earlier? Abed can't think, he's busy being flooded with three years' worth of memories that are all backwards, reversed from how he thought they were. He has a sudden recollection of getting drunk all by himself so he could leave a believable drunk dial message for Britta. Dancing with the pizza guy on top of the table, just the two of them. Of himself on the debate stage, dropping Jeremy Simmons as Annie kissed him.

"When you think about it, it's actually more surprising that you didn't make up a Tyler Durden earlier," Jeff says. "You've always wanted an alterego to disappear into."

Abed stares at him, trying to concentrate on what Jeff's saying, block out the memory of playing pool in his underwear to prove a point. Jeff doesn't mean... but Jeff's been around for three years. He has to exist. It's not like Fight Club. Abed hasn't been being Jeff for three years. Has he?

"But you started the study group," Abed says, trying to get his bearings. He needs to sit down; he looks around for something to sit on and when there isn't anything, he finally puts his hands on his knees and bends over to try to catch his breath.

"Actually," Jeff says. "I only invited Britta. You invited everyone else. I was just trying to hit on the pretty blond girl you thought looked like Elisabeth Shue, remember? The one way out of your league? Funny how I conveniently appeared in Spanish class after she blew you off."

Abed has a sudden image of himself typing Britta's number into his cell phone and labeling it "Hot blonde, Spanish class."

"But," he says. He feels like his stomach's dropped out of his body. "Jeff, you have to exist. You're sleeping with Britta."

"I'm afraid you're the one sleeping with Britta," Jeff says. "Didn't you think it was weird that we kept doing stuff in front of you?"

Even the first time they played paintball and Jeff and Britta did it -- and wait, how does Abed know that was the first time they did it? -- Abed was the last one to go, leaving Jeff and Britta alone together. And he had a weird feeling the next day that things were different. Oh God.

"You needed a protagonist," Jeff says. "Someone to have a love triangle with the two pretty white girls and to give the group inspirational speeches. And I'm perfect. I mean, have you seen my abs? You really thought these abs went to community college?"

He pulls his shirt up. They are extremely fictional abs.

"So yeah," Jeff says. "Obviously we're the same person. And I mean, I can understand why you're doing Project Mayhem now. Your dad's not going to be happy that you fell in love with a black guy."

That particular sentence is enough to stop the flood of mental images with what might as well be an audible record scratch. Abed feels himself go very, very still. He feels cornered; he wants to go to the Dreamatorium. His head hurts. His mouth has gone dry. "What?" he manages to say.

Jeff smirks at him like he knows exactly how much that sentence would freak Abed out. Which Abed guesses he does, if his dad is both their dads. "Blowing up the English Memorial Spanish Center does seem like a great way to take your mind off how much you want to bone Troy," he says, and then he suddenly disappears. Abed is standing alone on a playground, staring at an empty swing. Which he guesses he's been doing this entire time.

He doesn't want to bone Troy. That's crazy. So, so, so, so, so, so crazy. He stares at the empty swing trying to will Jeff to come back so he can tell him how crazy that is. He stares and stares and stares. Time passes.

"Um, Abed?" Troy's voice comes from weirdly close behind him. "Are you okay?"

Abed swivels around fast, startled. He must've moved so fast that he startled Troy too, because Troy jumps.

"Of course I'm okay," Abed says. "Why wouldn't I be okay?" Troy is standing there, so familiar in his favorite green t-shirt, looking handsome in a way that would normally make Abed's head start to hurt. And here it comes, the pounding in his temples that makes him go running to the Dreamatorium to escape. That must've been making him disappear into Jeff all this time.

For the first time, Abed tries to resist the feeling of wanting to run away. To stay in his body and let himself feel whatever he feels for Troy. To maybe be attracted to Troy. It makes him feel weird and dizzy and panicky for a second, but then the headache subsides, and it's just him and Troy standing there. Troy who he knows better than anybody, Troy who's safe. It's strange.

"Um, well," Troy says, "I was walking to the bus stop and saw you over here. You've been standing in one place and not moving for like fifteen minutes. I thought maybe you'd gone catatonic."

"No, I just," Abed starts, but then he suddenly remembers the other thing Jeff said, the part about blowing up the Spanish Center. "Oh God, what time is it?" he says. Troy blinks, startled at the urgency of Abed's tone, and when he doesn't move fast enough, Abed just reaches out and grabs Troy's arm himself to look at his watch. There's only a half hour left before Leonard said the detonation was scheduled. Geez, how long was Abed having a meltdown for?

"Abed, what's going on?" Troy says. "You're freaking me out."

"Troy," Abed says, in his most serious voice. "Do you think we can defuse a bomb?"

Troy blinks at him. "An imaginary bomb?" he says. "Sure."

They've defused literally hundreds of imaginary bombs, but Abed has the feeling this one isn't imaginary. "Not imaginary this time," Abed says. "Real." He notices that he's fallen into Jeff's inflections without thinking about it, authoritative and heroic. No wonder it was always so easy for him to do a Jeff imitation.

Troy blinks at him again.

"The tuition protests have gotten a little out of control," Abed says. "I think they're going to blow up the Spanish Center."

Troy's eyes widen enormously. "What?!" he says.

**

Luckily the bus comes fast, and he and Troy sprint from the bus stop to the Spanish Center in record time. They slow as they approach the door. "Act natural," Abed says to Troy out of the corner of his mouth, and sure enough, there are some commandos hanging around the door.

"Sir," one says to Abed, holding the door open for him.

Abed nods to him seriously, acting like he's the one in charge here -- which he guesses he is. "Thank you," he says. "Could you just remind me where the device is?"

"Of course, sir," the commando says. "Third floor."

Abed nods to him again, and he and Troy walk with great deliberation to the stairwell, until they're out of sight of the commandos and can sprint up the stairs.

There's a lounge on the third floor with a big picture window overlooking the campus, and Abed's pretty sure that's where they must have set up the bomb. Sure enough, there are a few Project Mayhem members in the hall outside, and they respectfully hold the door for Troy and Abed just like the ones did downstairs. Thank God. At least since Abed is Jeff, he can get to this bomb in time to defuse it.

"Okay, great," Abed says as soon as they're in the lounge, starting to look around.

"Um, Abed?" Troy says after a few seconds. "I thought you said there was a bomb in here."

The room does seem to be empty, but Jeff definitely said they were blowing up the Spanish Center, and... Abed hears the distinctive snick of the deadbolt to the lounge door being thrown, locking them inside.

Crap.

He and Troy both spin around to see a commando looking in at them, smirking through the little window in the door. Fantastic. The real bomb must be somewhere else.

"I knew you'd try to sabotage me," Jeff says, suddenly appearing in the corner of the room. "God, you're so pathetic."

"Where's the actual bomb?" Abed says to him.

"How should I know?" Troy says, at the same time as Jeff says, "In the dean's office, obviously. Why would we blow up the Spanish Center? I just got you up here so we'd have a good view of the fireworks."

The big picture window does overlook the administration building. Abed walks over to it to look, and can see commandos making their way away from the building, exactly like they've just finished up planting an explosive.

"Don't worry," Jeff says. "We cleared the building. No one's going to get hurt. We're just making a statement."

"Shut up," Abed says. "This is a terrible idea."

Troy looks extremely confused. "I... didn't say anything," he says. "Hey, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," Abed says. "I was wrong. They're blowing up the dean's office. See?" He points down to the little ant-like people below them, scurrying away from the building. Troy comes over to look. "We're too late," Abed says. "They locked us up here so we wouldn't be able to stop it. This is all my fault."

"Fault?" Jeff says. "I can't believe you're getting upset about the greatest thing we've ever done."

"How is it your fault?" Troy says.

Abed tries to think what to do about this. Why can't he get rid of Jeff? He doesn't want to have to shoot himself in the head like Edward Norton did in Fight Club. He doesn't have a gun, anyway.

"I can't believe you're thinking about how to get rid of me," Jeff says. "You need me. Who were you before I came along? Just a loser with Asperger's and no friends. Do you want to go back to that? Remember how lonely you were, Abed?"

Abed looks at unreal Jeff, at his sculpted body, his perfect TV show face. He looks at Troy, an actual real person, his first real friend. He has an idea.

"It's my fault because I made up an alterego," Abed says to Troy.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Jeff says, suddenly looking panicky. "What the hell?! Don't talk to him about me! How are you going to keep any friends if you tell them how psycho you are?"

Abed ignores him. "And I guess I was nervous about something but I didn't realize it, and my alterego went a little nuts to try to distract me. And he's the one who made the bomb. Did you ever see Fight Club?"

"Yeah," Troy says, still looking confused, but then his eyes widen. "Ohhhhhhhhh."

"Yeah, I love that movie," Abed says. "I guess I kind of accidentally reenacted it."

"Dammit, Abed!" Jeff says. He looks agitated, like Abed really is threatening his existence by telling Troy about him.

"I thought I needed some really handsome guy to be the protagonist, and have a will-they-won't-they thing going on with Britta. And with Annie. Even though they're not who I really like," Abed says. "But we're not on a TV show at all, are we?"

Troy blinks a few times, and Abed remembers how weird he got about Abed doing the protests with Britta. Has everyone known he's been sleeping with Britta this whole time? He wishes they'd told him.

"No," Troy says, watching Abed carefully. "We're not on a TV show. You, um... you can be with anybody you want." Abed sees Troy swallow.

"You're ruining everything," Jeff says. He looks very pale. It occurs to Abed that if he tells Troy how he feels about him, maybe he won't need Jeff to exist anymore.

"Yeah," Abed says, and he reaches out to take Troy's hand, Troy's skin warm against his. It doesn't give him a headache this time. Troy looks down at their hands wonderingly.

"Please stop," Jeff says in a very faint voice.

"I kind of think I'm in love with you," Abed says to Troy. Finally.

"Oh, fuck you," Jeff says, and blinks out of existence.

Out the picture window, the administration building blows up right on cue, the blast rattling the window. Troy jumps, and Abed squeezes his hand. He knows what he's supposed to say. It's the last line he ever plans on delivering.

"You met me at a very strange time in my life," he says, debris starting to rain down outside, the administration building collapsing in front of them, and next to him, Troy begins to smile.

Parks and Recreation and Mediocrity

annakovsky — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 21:11:48 GMT

I wrote this whole thing after last week's Parks episode, and it might be a really unpopular opinion but whatever, I'm going to post it now before tonight's because I am pretty concerned about the direction the show is going and I don't knowwwwwww, you guys. There hasn't been an episode I super loved and instantly wanted to rewatch since The Treaty back in November, and even before that there was a lot more mediocrity than last season, and with the campaign I'm worried they've painted themselves into a corner they won't be able to get out of. HOPEFULLY TONIGHT'S EPISODE WILL BE BETTER, BUT I AM WORRIED.

First of all, established relationships are boring, and all this focus on Leslie/Ben has been super boring. I thought once they were back together we could all move on with our lives and get back to the regular ensemble show, but Leslie is still spending most of her time interacting with Ben and ughhhhhhhhhhh. THEY'RE LIKE THE SAME PERSON, THERE'S NO TENSION HERE, LET HER TALK TO RON OR ANDY OR SOMETHING.

Then to GET tension in that relationship they keep -- like, okay. Full disclosure, I HATED Ben in the episode with the negative campaign ad. I did not see both sides. Most people did, and that's fine, but I REALLY DID NOT. I feel like going negative as the FIRST THING a campaign does is a shitty thing to do in the first place (especially when you're spending all your money on it, so it's the ONE THING that people will see about your candidate), and then wanting to go negative for LESLIE KNOPE is just like, have you ever met Leslie Knope? And then when Leslie said she would never do that in a million years, to keep pushing it? Uh, it was a pretty clear statement of what she wanted, and she's the candidate -- it's her name on the ad. So if she doesn't want to go negative, YOU DON'T GO NEGATIVE. And it didn't help that his first ad sounded like Gob Bluth's negative ad against Steve Holt. Like, I was fine with the compromise ad they eventually got to, but omg, so unacceptable before that.

Last week's episode wasn't as bad, because obviously Leslie was being obsessive (which was adorable as always) -- but. Basically Leslie was being the way she always is in that kind of situation, and Ben spent the whole episode being like, "BAD DOG. NO." It's not HELPFUL. You're never going to stop Leslie by acting like that! Ron Swanson would know never to act like that with her because it's pointless! And I just feel like lately Ben thinks things are wrong with Leslie ALL THE TIME. You're a steamroller, Leslie! No, wait, you have to be tougher, Leslie! Stop being so fixated, Leslie! That's not sexy fighting, that's just being kind of awful, even when you have a point. YOU'RE HER BOYFRIEND AND YOU USED TO THINK SHE WAS GREAT, WHY AREN'T YOU ON HER SIDE ANYMORE. And why is it always Leslie who has something wrong with her to manufacture tension between them? I CAN THINK OF A LOT OF THINGS WRONG WITH YOU, BEN, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO START ENUMERATING THEM. 1) YOU'RE A WET BLANKET AND A NEGATIVE NELLY.

I mean, whatever, sometimes I still like them, and the kissing last week was super hot, but overall, Leslie/Ben is just getting old and there's too much of it and Ben is going to have to be a lot nicer/more delightful to win me back.

So that's a problem. And then overall I seem to come out of every episode feeling like the whole thing just didn't quite hang together, in a way I can't put my finger on. I think maybe with the campaign they just have too many balls in the air? Everyone feels scattered and not that funny, and I don't know what they should do to fix it, but it's just not quite working.

I think also maybe a lot of characters have gotten kind of one-note, so it feels more repetitive than great. Like... Tom hasn't done anything new and delightful since Treat Yo Self, just the same old schtick. April has had barely any storylines, and they all seem to revolve around her and Andy as a unit. Andy is sometimes literally too dumb to function. Donna NEVER gets storylines. Chris for some reason is still around, being a shallow insincere dbag and taking up screentime that should be given to Donna, who is funnier and more interesting.

And I am REALLY worried about the campaign issue. I feel like they brought the campaign into the mix as an obstacle for Leslie/Ben, without thinking through the implications. And now I worry that we're in a Pam Beesly situation, where we have brought up Leslie having big dreams, and raised the possibility of her getting those dreams, but because of the PREMISE OF THE SHOW, AS SEEN IN ITS TITLE, she cannot get those dreams while remaining on the show, so she will have to fail at them. And I swear to God, if Leslie fails at her dreams, I am going to burn Utica to the ground. IT WILL BE TEN TIMES WORSE THAN PAM FAILING AT HER DREAMS, AND THAT IS QUITE POSSIBLY MY #1 TV DISAPPOINTMENT OF ALL TIME.

And it's not going to be better if Ron gets to be assistant city manager so Leslie can be promoted, because if Ron and Leslie and April aren't in the same department I am going to SCATTER UTICA'S BURNT ASHES TO THE WIND AND PEE ON THEM, and so then I don't know how they're going to get themselves out of this one in a satisfactory manner, and if I think about that I basically go into a depression spiral. DDDDDDDDD:

Ugh, I might be stating this all a little strongly, because the episodes, with the exception of the negative ad one, have mostly been... fine. And maybe it's too much to ask that I should have a joysplosion every week like during season 3. But it is really sad to me that the show is going from joysplosion to just fine! It being Parks Day doesn't cheer me up anymore! BUMMER CITY. It's only season 4, and two of those seasons weren't even full seasons, WE SHOULD NOT BE HITTING THE SITCOM DECLINE YET.

Yuletide recs!

annakovsky — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 20:55:54 GMT

My holidays were super busy with family stuff so I've barely been on LJ at all, which means I didn't get a chance till now to rec the SUPER AMAZING FICS I GOT FOR YULETIDE.

My main fic was INSANELY PERFECTLY AIMED AT MY INTERESTS, because tearupthesky got assigned to me for the second year in a row. Haha, poor kid. But she wrote me THE BEST PARKS & REC RON/LESLIE BABYFIC OMG YOU GUYS. Pancakes in the Age of Enlightenment -- in which Ron gets Leslie pregnant in a one-night stand, and Leslie's going to raise it as a single mother, but then they fall in looooove. The Ron POV is crazy crazy amazing, and it's super funny and also gets me in my heart place. It perfectly combines how married Ron and Leslie are with how they drive each other crazy, and I want like a zillion sequels of them with their daughter, and nothing about this could be better. If you haven't read it yet you really need to. Personally I have read it A LOT.

I also got Seth/Amy SNL RPF where they go on a roadtrip (not here looking for absolution by feartown) and Henry/Casey Party Down fic (Maple Syrup by misura)! AND a little Madness vignette also of Ron/Leslie (Best Wife Ever by foursweaterests)! Such awesome stuff, check those ones out too! I seriously can't believe I got something for all of my requests, people are so awesome.

I ended up writing two fics for Yuletide myself:

Tammy Swanson-Swanson's What to Do after Divorce Seminar Featuring Leslie Knope
Parks and Rec. Tammy 2/Leslie. Rated R. ~6800 words. Written for Deifire, thanks to kyrafic and tearupthesky for beta duty!

In which Tammy 2 seduces Leslie to annoy Ron and also because she's bored and due for a sex romp.

Write Your Name on the Earth in Gasoline
Party Down/SNL RPF. Henry/Casey. Rated R. ~6300 words. Written for tearupthesky because after writing fic for me for yuletide like every year she deserved a treat.

In which Casey gets on SNL and moves to New York and she and Henry have to figure out what to do.

(I wish I hadn't been writing this one at the last minute, because I would've liked to have had SO MUCH MORE SNL stuff, like, a million things about Casey and Nasim sharing an office and Sudeikis hitting on everybody but being secretly in love with Wiig, but she won't have any of it because he's so awful [haha I have a lot of head canon for that], buuuuut I mostly kept it to a Party Down story. I would like to congratulate the multiple people who totally guessed this was me -- I almost emailed/commented you guys to be like LOL GOOD JOB but then I decided to pretend to play it cool. But seriously, good job, I am very impressed, especially since I'm terrible at guessing anon fics!)

Both those fics were super fun to write, which was really nice for yuletide!

Happy New Year, everybody! I hope 2012 is amazing.

FIC: A Modest Proposal, part 1a (Parks and Rec, Leslie/Ben)

annakovsky — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:16:08 GMT

Title: A Modest Proposal (Part 1a)
Authors: tearupthesky and annakovsky
Fandom: Parks and Recreation
Pairing: Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt
Rating: R for sexytimes
Length: 12,300 words in this part
Authors' Notes: Set immediately post-"Smallest Park," 4x08. Wouldn't normally post this as a WIP, but it will no doubt get completely jossed by the next episode and this thing is turning annoyingly epic, so we thought we might as well put it out there while it's still canon compliant. More parts coming soon!
Summary: The one where to avoid a sex scandal they just get married.

**

"I should probably go soon," Ben says reluctantly, tracing patterns on Leslie's bare hip under the comforter with his fingertips. "Andy and April are going to know something's up if I'm out all night."

Leslie shrugs a shoulder and doesn't stop stroking her knuckles back and forth against her favorite spot on Ben's stomach, where his muscles make a tiny groove, just like Ryan Gosling in the magazines. She really missed that spot. "They'll probably just think you're with one of your other girlfriends."

She cackles with delight when Ben groans and pushes her onto her back, climbing on top of her with his brow set in faux sternness, his eyes warm the whole time.

"You know I'm not seeing any other girls," he says. "I'm starting to think maybe there's something you want to tell me."

"About seeing other girls?" Leslie says, her eyes wide and innocent. "Nope."

Then Ben's kissing her again and she closes her eyes tight, grinning helplessly against his stupid, perfect, familiar mouth, almost too ecstatic to even participate. God, just, she wasn't ever going to be allowed to have this again. Ben wasn't going to wait around for her forever, he was going to move away or fall in love with someone else and have a million babies with brown eyes, and then it would have been too late and Leslie never would have gotten to kiss him like this again, and just thinking about a world where that's true makes Leslie start to lose her breath, so she tries to focus on the actual kissing instead. How Ben's mouth always tastes like cinnamon mints. The shy way he kind of curls his tongue to the side instead of shoving it in her mouth all presumptuously. Leslie really, really, really missed kissing Ben.

"Don't go," she says, as soon as the kissing stops. She wriggles out from underneath Ben until they're lying side by side, then she props herself up on her elbow so she's in a position of greater authority. Ben seems very appreciative of the way it pushes her boobs together. Whatever drives her point home. "If we start sneaking around again, we're just going to end up right back where we started. No more lying, no more cover-ups. I think tomorrow morning, we have to just march into Chris's office and--"

"Tomorrow morning?" Ben says, starting to frown. "Leslie..."

Leslie sits up, wrapping the sheets around herself. If he wants to get serious, she will get serious. "If we put it off, we're just digging ourselves a bigger hole."

"Leslie," Ben says again, reaching out for her hand. "I know, I just... tomorrow morning, that could be it. He could fire me, or you, or both of us. He could have me transferred back to Indianapolis. It could just... be it."

Leslie laces their fingers together. "It's only it if we let it be. Chris isn't the king of Indiana, he can't send us to the guillotine. Whatever happens, we'll just deal with it. We'll figure out a way. Look at April and Andy, they made it work."

"But Andy's not April's boss."

"Your pessimism isn't helping anything!" Leslie lets go of Ben's hand and crosses her arms over her chest and Ben leans back, looking down and fiddling with the edge of the pillowcase. She feels bad immediately -- it's not Ben's fault they're in this crappy situation, unless she wants to blame his awful beautiful face, which right now in the soft light of her bedroom doesn't seem totally unreasonable -- but when she opens her mouth to apologize, what comes out is, "April is kind of his boss, though. I mean, she's Ron's assistant and Ron's my boss, so technically she's on a higher rung than my assistant, right? And what if she got promoted? Obviously that's not something she's interested in now, but who knows what April's going to be interested in from one day to the next! Is Chris going to suppress her career just because her husband happens to work in the same building? That's totally unfair!"

"It's different," Ben says cautiously, looking up at Leslie with somber eyes. "They're married. It doesn't open up the government to the same possibility of scandal or harassment suits."

"That's totally unfair," Leslie mumbles again, and Ben laughs ruefully. She slumps down against him and he opens his arms for her. "April and Andy and Kim Kardashian can get married whenever they want and we're not even allowed to date? It's discrimination."

"Against whom?" Ben says, running his hand up the back of her neck and curling her hair around his fingers.

"Against awesome single people who just happen to like each other a lot and want to make out all the time," Leslie mutters against his shoulder.

Ben kisses the top of her head. "Okay," he says, after a deep breath. "Tomorrow morning we'll go to Chris. If he wants to fire someone, he can fire me. I'll go quietly. I'd rather be a CPA who gets to make out with you than a state auditor who doesn't."

Leslie looks up at him and wrinkles her nose. "Come on, you don't want to be an accountant your whole life."

"Accountants can run for office too. I would refer you to Mayor John McCormac of Woodbridge Township, New Jersey."

"Ugh, nerd," she teases, giggling.

"Or if you'd prefer, Mayor Kathy Mulcahy of Orange Village, Ohio."

Leslie bites her lip suddenly. "We'll do whatever it takes, right? You're really with me on this, no matter what?"

"Of course I'm with you," Ben says, reaching down for Leslie's hand again, squeezing it tight.

Leslie squeezes back. "Then we have a big day tomorrow. We should try to get some sleep."

Ben leans in to kiss her goodnight but stops short before their lips touch. "Just to be clear, you're not thinking about assassinating Chris, are you?"

"Whatever it takes, no matter what," Leslie repeats, smiling as she reaches out to turn off the bedside lamp. "Don't get soft on me now, Wyatt."

**

Leslie's heart is already pounding like crazy before they even get to Chris's office the next morning. She almost wishes she were holding Ben's hand, except obviously they can't do that in City Hall and also her palms are really sweaty so that'd probably be gross anyway. Ben might break up with her for real, then.

Except she kind of feels like Ben will never break up with her again, and that makes her start smiling a little, even through the nerves. When Ben stops outside the door, he turns to look at her very seriously, but when he catches the smile he starts smiling back, just for a second before he obviously remembers they're about to tell Chris and he goes serious again. "Leslie," he says. "Really. Are you sure you want to do this? We can't take it back afterwards."

She is so sure, she has never been so sure of anything. She can't stand not being with him anymore. "Yeah," she says. "I'm sure."

Chris beams when they come in the door together, looking up from his computer. "My dream team! Back together again! So good to see you!"

Ben looks a little pained as he shuts the door behind them. "Well," he says, his voice a little lowered like he's scared someone might overhear, even through the shut door. "That's actually what we're here to talk to you about...."

"You're going to work with the Parks Department again?" Chris says. He looks so cheerful. Somehow it makes it so much harder to tell him things he doesn't want to hear.

"No," Ben says. "Well, maybe. But that's not -- um, what I'm trying to say is, what we actually came in here about is -- we just need to tell you that we're, um... well, we're dating."

Chris blinks at them for a long second, his bright smile fading slowly. "You're what?" he says.

"Dating," Leslie says. "We know it's against the rules, but we want to be aboveboard, and wanted to talk to you about our options..."

Chris is actually frowning now. Leslie has hardly ever seen him frown like that, except the time he caught her kissing Tom. "But that's a huge ethical violation," Chris says. "This is unacceptable. Ben's your boss --"

"Well, technically," Ben says, interrupting him. "But isn't there some way we could transfer one of us to a different -- I mean, if I didn't work with Parks at all, like we were talking about, that wouldn't be a conflict of interest, would it?"

"Ben," Chris says, turning on him like he's personally hurt Ben would even try to argue this. "You of all people know this is a scandal waiting to happen, especially with Leslie running for office. The assistant city manager having a sexual relationship with one of his subordinates is something the press would have a field day--"

Leslie can feel herself panicking a little more with every word Chris says. Ben's going to get fired in a second if he doesn't back down, and she and Ben already agreed they'd do anything to make this work so Ben's not going to back down, and crap, he's going to get fired for her! That's unacceptable! There has to be another way, and then somehow she's thinking about April and Andy, about how married people don't risk a scandal.

"What if we were married?" Leslie blurts out before she's had time to think anything through, the second the thought comes into her head. Both Ben and Chris swivel their heads around to look at her, equally shocked. Her hands are shaking. She tries to make her voice a little more calm and less shout-y. "I mean, hypothetically, what if we were getting married?"

There's a beat, the longest few seconds of Leslie's life. Then Chris's giant smile comes out again, the one that's like sunshine. "A wedding? But this is joyous news!"

Wait, no, Leslie did not actually say they were getting married -- she was honestly just asking for information, if that would be a way to dodge the rule. But with Chris looking so happy, all thoughts of firing Ben obviously put out of his head, well....

"But why didn't you say so?" Chris says. "You're engaged? You sly dog!" He claps Ben on the back. Ben looks like he's about to choke on his own tongue, and oh God, if he tells Chris they're not engaged and somehow gets himself fired after all, when she's trying to save him, Leslie's going to kill him. She glares at him hard, willing him to see that this is the solution they've been looking for -- look at Chris, he's so pleased! Don't blow this, Ben! Crap, in a second Chris is going to notice that she doesn't have a ring or anything. "We're, um," Ben says. "Well, we're...."

"I mean," Leslie jumps in fast, seeing that Ben's stammering over his words, about to go into his media-meltdown word-vomit mode. "We're still sorting out details, so we don't have a ring or anything yet. We're both very concerned about ethical mining, and it's so hard to find a fair trade jeweler. The diamond industry really -- did you see Blood Diamond?"

"Oh, of course," Chris says. "That is a very important issue, Leslie."

"I know," Leslie says. "So we're looking into alternatives, and it's taking some time, especially with all the other planning for the, um." She sneaks a glance at Ben, who has the weirdest look on his face. "For the, um, the wedding."

Chris is nodding along, obviously completely on board. "I'm so glad you and Ben here are being so responsible. We all have an obligation to be as ethical as we can -- but of course I'd expect no less from my dream team!"

Chris still has his arm around Ben's shoulders, and he shakes him a little bit, friendly and excited. Ben looks dazed, like he doesn't know what's happening to him or maybe like someone's punched him in the stomach, and God, Leslie can't believe she just told Chris they're getting married. Crap. She needs to be better at thinking things through before she jumps in with both feet. Well, they're in it now, but they'll figure it out -- Leslie has every confidence they'll figure it out.

"Absolutely," Leslie says. You just have to commit to it when you get yourself into this stuff -- second-guessing just hurts you. She's learned that at a thousand community forums. "But the wedding's coming up fast, just next month -- we're going to get married in Harvey James Park. It's Pawnee's nicest park, you know, I've wanted to get married there since I was a little girl, and so you really don't need to worry about a scandal, because we'll be married before you know it!" Just, it is very important that Chris knows that they are totally engaged for real, and they're getting married for real, and that this is not at all a fake marriage to get around the stupid dating rule, so he does not need to fire anybody. And somehow before she knows it she's telling him all about the flowers they're going to have, and the very romantic way Ben proposed, and she's only vaguely aware of what she's even saying or how to bring it to a close, like her mouth is on a roll her brain did not sign on for. When she gets cornered she really does not do her best thinking, oh God, Knope, wrap it up! "So, um," she says, after something about a rainbow -- oh God, what is she saying? "So we're engaged! So... that's what we wanted to tell you!"

Ben is staring at her like she's lost her marbles, but Chris is still beaming. "Well," Chris says. "I just couldn't be happier for you two. Of course we'll have to take Ben off the Parks Department accounts, but you being married should mitigate any further scandal, so I'm not worried in the least. Congratulations, Ben! I've been wanting you to find someone for a long time, and you and Leslie are a perfect match, buddy, well done."

Ben... does not actually look like he's capable of speech right at the moment. "Thank -- thank you," Leslie says to fill in the silence. God, she just wants this meeting over with, and she's pretty sure Ben is kind of glaring at her, and oh boy.

**

Out in the hallway, Ben seems to have recovered more of his faculties. "Leslie," he hisses, grabbing her wrist as soon as Chris's door is shut behind them. "What the hell was that?"

"Shh!" Leslie says, looking around. No one is that close to them, but they are in a public hallway and government employees are milling around everywhere.

Ben is rubbing his forehead the way he does before he really loses his temper at her, and Leslie feels herself wincing a little bit already. Yeah, okay, yeah, telling Chris they were getting married was a stupid thing to do and may have been a little over the line, but Ben said he was on board for whatever they had to do to make this work! It's not steamrollering when someone agrees to that ahead of time! Anyway, she was just desperate to save his job, doesn't he appreciate that?

"Leslie," Ben starts, but then he looks around the hallway too, and realizes that people are too close. "Okay, come with me," he says, letting go of her wrist, and starts stalking down the hallway so fast that Leslie has to almost run to keep up.

Ben leads them right to Ann's office, slamming the door open without even knocking -- luckily the office is empty -- and then slamming the door shut again as soon as Leslie's inside. "Gosh," Ben says in his most sarcastic voice, the voice that always puts Leslie's back up. "I don't remember proposing to you with doves. I sound very romantic, though."

"I'm sorry!" Leslie says. "I didn't mean to say all that, but did you see Chris's face before I brought up the marriage thing? He was going to fire you! Or make us break up! I don't want you to get fired!"

"So you decided to tell Chris we were getting married?!" Ben says, raising his voice a little. "Without, I don't know, running it by me first?"

"It's not like I planned that!" Leslie says. "Anyway, you said you'd do anything to make this work!"

Ben throws his hands up, his mouth opening and closing like he doesn't even know where to start with that. "Jesus, I didn't mean that you should say we were going to have, what, lilies at our wedding in Harvey James Park!"

Okay, yes, okay, that was a little much, but c'mon! "Chris was going to figure out it wasn't for real if there weren't any details!" Leslie says. "I had to make it believable."

"Oh, the double rainbow at the proposal was very believable, Leslie." Ugh, she hates when he gets that tone. Also, crap, did she really say there was a double rainbow? No wonder Ben is glaring at her so hard. "What the hell were you thinking?"

But God, it's not like he was coming up with any brilliant solutions back there, so it's a bit much for him to get all mad at her when he was basically dead-weight in that meeting. It's not like this has to be a huge thing! "Ugh, why are you freaking out over nothing? People in the Parks Department get married all the time -- April and Andy got married after they'd been dating for like three weeks! Ron got married, arrested, and divorced all in one day! Tom had an actual green card marriage!"

Ben is staring at her like he is just now realizing he lives in an asylum. "Um, okay, I think maybe your department has a problem."

Leslie is feeling a little hysterical by now -- just, this really can work, why is he not even giving it a chance? Does he want to break up, or ruin their careers?! "It's just a piece of paper! If it doesn't work out we can just get divorced, I don't see why you're making into a big deal! We can draw up a pre-nup if you're going to be a big baby about everything!"

Ben runs a hand through his hair. "Jesus, Leslie," he says, and at least he sounds less mad now. He actually sounds more bewildered than anything. "Now we're talking about actually going through with this? It's not about, God, pre-nups, it's just -- getting married is a big deal."

"But why?!" Leslie says, all overheated and upset and feeling like she's on the verge of tears. "It's just one quick ceremony and then we can keep dating and nobody will care, nothing has to change, we can keep seeing each other and working together and..." she trails off for a second, swallowing. Her voice is really shaky. "And just, you know... also we'd be married." Suddenly she's thinking about it, about being married to Ben and him being her husband and... God, that's just... she can feel herself starting to smile a little bit, just thinking about it, because it's just, it's nice.

Ben's face softens like the idea is getting to him too, like maybe he's thought about it before too, and he starts smiling back at her just a little, like he likes her a lot even when he's furious at her, and then they're just standing there smiling at each other and even though everything is such a mess Leslie feels stupidly happy. She can't believe they're back together after those months of being miserable, can't believe that she woke up with him this morning.

After a second Ben says, still soft, not mad anymore but serious, trying to bring her back down to earth, "Leslie."

"I know," Leslie says. "I know, it was a stupid thing to tell Chris. I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have done that. But... I did."

Ben sighs and rubs his forehead. "Well, look, we just have to...." But he trails off, obviously not thinking of a good solution either.

"Okay, well... okay, here's the way I look at it," Leslie says. "We have two options now. We can either go back down to Chris's office and tell him that I was lying and we're not engaged, and we can get in big trouble and he can fire one of us, or..."

"Or we can actually get married?" Ben says, that dubious tone back in his voice, like this is completely unreasonable option.

"I didn't say they were good options!" Leslie says. "But look, really, what's so crazy about getting married? It'd just be, like, a cover! Like Tom's green card marriage, except we'd, you know, actually be making out with each other and not just secretly in love with our green card wife and not telling her how we feel."

Ben blinks a few times. "Okay, seriously, what was the deal with Tom's green card marriage?"

"It's not important! Would you focus?" Leslie says.

"Geez, okay," Ben says. "I just don't think that marriage -- I mean, look, if we just talk to Chris, he can put me on a different department and --"

"Ben, Chris was not okay with that," Leslie says. "You heard him, it was a huge ethical violation! If we tell him we're not getting married you're going to have to quit or we're going to have to break up. I know it's crazy, but honestly, it solves everything!"

Ben pinches the bridge of his nose like a headache's coming on, and just, it's an actual solution. If he gets on board with it, everything will be fine. "Come on, Ben," she says, smiling at him a little, teasing. "Do I have to get down on one knee here?"

He lets out a little amused breath and looks at her, shaking his head like he can't believe she exists. "Leslie," he says again, and then he rolls his eyes. "Oh, all right, fine. I guess we're going to get married." He says it all put-upon, like he's giving in, but he's smiling a little.

"Are we?" she says, relief washing over her whole body. Oh thank God, oh God, everything's going to be okay.

Ben shrugs. "Rock and a hard place, I guess I choose rock. But maybe next time you could tell me we're getting married before you tell Chris?"

Leslie half-laughs and half-winces. "I'm the worst, I'm sorry."

But Ben's looking at her all affectionately like he doesn't think she's the worst, even with all this, and she wants to kiss him so badly right now. Wait, they're engaged, sort of, and Chris knows, so it's totally not even illicit to kiss him! Right in the depths of City Hall! She grabs him by the lapels and he grins at her and she kisses him wet and dirty. It still feels like they're getting away with something, even though now they're kind of not -- and somehow it also feels like getting away with something to not be getting away with something. Ben's hands land on her waist, pulling her in closer, and by the time they finally break apart, Ben looks a little dazed. His lips are red.

"Um, good," Leslie says, trying to catch her breath. "So that's settled."

"Yeah," Ben says, really softly with his breath warm on her mouth, and then he kisses her again. Once they finally pull back this time, Leslie actually feels light-headed. Ben clears his throat, the tips of his ears red. "Okay, um, we probably better cut it out before Ann comes back."

"Yeah," Leslie says softly, but not moving away, still focused on Ben, until something suddenly occurs to her. "Oh no, Ann! Ann's waiting for me in my office! We have to tell Ann and everybody we're getting married! Before Chris gets to them first -- oh my God, if Chris tells Ann we're getting married before I do, she'll never forgive me."

Ben's gone a little deer-in-headlights again, maybe just at remembering that this is actually happening and Chris knows. "Right," he says weakly. "Telling everybody."

Leslie's hand is still resting on Ben's chest, and she pats him there briskly. "Buck up, soldier," she says. "People in the Parks Department get married all the time."

**

Leslie pauses just outside the Parks Department entrance, takes a deep breath, and tries to remember how the muscles in her face are supposed to feel on a normal day. She knows Ben's right behind her but she reaches back anyway, just to make sure. The little squeeze he gives her fingers is enough to propel her through the doorway, and she bangs her palm on the permits desk to call everyone to attention. Jerry, Donna, and Andy are the only ones who look up.

"Everybody, front and center!" Leslie calls. "Tom and Ann, get out here! April, please get Ron. Ben and I have news. Humongous, earth-shattering, life-altering news."

April turns a page in her magazine. "A giant asteroid hit and destroyed all the cows and pigs in the world and now there's no more steak or bacon?"

Leslie's forehead wrinkles. "What? No!"

"Then Ron's life will probably stay the same," April says, flipping another page.

"Ron!" Leslie barks, stomping across the room and pounding on Ron's door with both hands until Ron gets up from his chair. Ann sits on the edge of April's desk and April pokes her with the butt of her pen until Ann retaliates with a ruler. Ron comes out of his office and leans against the doorjamb, arms crossed and eyebrow raised.

"What's the ruckus?" Ron asks evenly, and Leslie's stomach flips over. Telling Chris was one thing, but telling their actual friends feels very different, kind of almost vaguely in the same ballpark as lying. But it's not a lie if the wedding is actually going to happen, right?

She shoots a look over her shoulder at Ben and he gives her a faint nod, so, well, all right, then, here they go.

"Valued colleagues," Leslie says, as grandly as she can muster, turning a half-circle with her arm outstretched so everyone feels included. "Beloved friends. Ben and I have gathered you here today--"

"We were here already," Donna says. "Doing our work?"

"Because," Leslie continues, "we wanted you to be the very first to know, except for Chris, that we are getting married. To each other. Ben and I."

Leslie was expecting a volley of passionate reactions but she's met with stunned silence instead. That doesn't stop the volume and pitch of her voice from increasing exponentially.

"Ben and I, as it turns out, have been seeing each other. For some time. And this is a decision that we made together, after a lot of very serious thinking and weighing of various consequences, and it's going to happen. Ergo, if anyone should ask you, henceforth, if Ben and I are engaged, you should feel free to tell them that we are. And that we have been completely straightforward and direct about informing you. And that it has had no detrimental effect on our work performance or Ben's supervision of the Parks Department, or anything remotely of that nature. And also that you are one hundred percent supportive of our relationship, and, really, any personal decisions we might happen to make, jointly or separately. And also that you're super psyched for our awesome wedding, which you should be, because it's going to be fantastic, I mean really, just, pulling out all the stops, no-holds-barred sensational. Any questions? No? All right, in that case, Ben, I think we should probably just--"

"Wait, what the hell?!" Tom hollers. "Since when are you guys even dating?!"

"Yeah, Leslie," April says, leaning back in her chair. "Marriage is a totally serious and sacred thing that no one should ever rush into, right?"

Leslie's gaze darts around the room from face to bewildered face, then she scoots over to Ben's side and grabs his hand nervously. "We've been dating long enough to know that is something we really want to do. I know I've maybe been a tiny bit hasty with relationship advice in the past, but now I see how happy you two are," she says, gesturing toward April, whose mouth twists into a begrudging smile, and Andy, who's been beaming the whole time, "and Ben and I just want that same chance."

"Well, I think it's fantastic!" Ann says, breaking out in a huge smile and launching herself toward Leslie. Leslie clings to her with all her strength, then after Ann gives Ben a sisterly punch on the arm, Leslie hugs her desperately again. "I'm so, so happy for both of you. Leslie, please tell me I can throw you, like, a million parties!"

"Hear, hear," Ron says, nodding his approval. "Except for the party-planning, in which I will obviously not be participating."

"Hold up," Donna says, rising from her desk. "Listen, Ben, I didn't ever want to bring this up while you were in the room, but a month ago you were bawling your eyes out in the middle of the Eagleton Plaza because your ex stomped your nerdy little heart all to hell. Leslie, girl, you know I want the best for you, but a rebound engagement does no one any good."

"You cried?" Leslie asks softly, turning toward Ben and blinking in surprise.

Ben glances at the ceiling and sighs. "I was -- look, it's possible I may have had some ill-advised acupuncture that day which opened up some emotional -- it doesn't matter. Tom, Donna, Leslie was the woman I was talking about at the mall. We had broken up for stupid reasons and obviously I was a wreck without her, but now we're back together and -- and now we're getting married," he says, the corners of his mouth twitching into an anxious grin. "And I know we'd both really appreciate your support. All of you."

Andy leaps to his feet, his jaw set stiffly and his eyes looking a little wet at the edges. "Leslie and Ben, Mouserat would be honored to play at your wedding. What's you guys's song? I promise we will learn it really good, unless it's super hard. Like, Mozart. It's not Mozart, is it?"

"Angel by Sarah McLachlan," Leslie says instantly, then Ben clears his throat. "Except, no," she mumbles, shrugging. "It's, um. Let's Stay Together by Al Green?" Leslie smiles at Ann, whose eyes are totally brimming, then at Ben, who nods and beams.

"Old and boring, but that's okay," Tom says, snapping his fingers and pointing at the two of them. "While Andy's working on that, I'll get started on the bachelor party."

"Oh, no, Tom, that's not--" Ben stammers. "I mean, I have a brother, so you don't have to--"

"Your brother is probably as lame as you are, and I'm not taking that chance, Bentennial Park. Dune on Blu-ray followed by a round of D&D is not a bachelor party, it's a sex funeral."

Ben shoots a terrified look at Leslie, who tries not to laugh. She mentally adds an item to her wedding to-do list -- protect Ben from Tom's bachelor party.

**

Once she finally makes it into her office, Leslie schedules an urgent lunch meeting with William and Elizabeth to break the news about her engagement. JJ's might be not be the most professional and discreet of settings, but if Leslie's political career is about to come to an end, damn it, she's going to want some waffles afterwards.

The look of cockeyed alien puzzlement that crosses both their faces when Ben follows Leslie into the restaurant is shortly overtaken by twin expressions of constrained panic. It's creepy how they do that.

"Leslie," says William, shaking his head. "I don't understand how we're just hearing about this."

"It just happened," Leslie explains, maintaining her best neutral, diplomatic smile. "Ben and I were seeing each other prior to the campaign. At the time I announced my candidacy, we were broken up and I thought it was a non-issue. But we both--" She pauses and glances at Ben and resists the urge to fiddle with the sugar packets. "We've both continued to feel very strongly about each other, and now we want to take it to the next step, in the most aboveboard and appropriate way possible."

"When we asked if there was anything you needed to tell us before we got started," Elizabeth says, a faint line appearing between her eyebrows, "the fact that you were dating a superior official, at a time when he was directly responsible for funding your biggest personal project, was pretty much exactly what we meant."

Leslie's stomach turns over in shame. It's worse than being sent to the principal's office when she was eight, worse than the time her mom found the collection of secret love letters to Walter Mondale hidden under Leslie's pillow. She lied, she cheated, she's a big fat dirty lying cheater, oh, God.

Then Ben's hand covers hers on the table and he says, "I oversaw the financing for the Harvest Festival but I didn't contribute to it, and neither did the taxpayers. The event was funded by corporate sponsors. The records are thorough and transparent and, thanks to Leslie, color-coded for easy reading. If anyone wants to accuse me of bias toward the Parks Department, the worse they could say is that I've been harder on them than any other branch under my supervision. I'm sure Leslie will happily confirm that much," Ben says, squeezing her fingers, cracking a smile. "And as of this morning when we spoke to Chris Traeger, Parks is no longer under my jurisdiction, so there's no possibility of future conflicts."

Oh. Oh, that's right. Oh, thank goodness.

"You're saying all the right things," Elizabeth concedes, "but when Joan Callamezzo gets ahold of this--"

"Joan's come after me plenty of times before," Leslie says. "And Ben, for that matter. We can hold our own."

William glances at Elizabeth, then folds his hands on the table and smiles reservedly at Leslie. "Family values matter to Pawnee voters. Frankly, if your records hold up and there are no more skeletons in the closet, your getting married can only help the campaign."

"We'll need to get your engagement out there as soon as possible," Elizabeth says, flipping open her planner. "Leslie, you have a photo op at the rec center on Friday. Ben, we'll need you standing right beside her. A solid white shirt and a blue or red tie really pop in photographs. Does that sound all right to you?"

"Yeah, that, uh. Sounds great," Ben says, withdrawing his hand from Leslie's slowly. "Really great. Thank you both so much for your understanding. Please excuse me for just a minute. Hon, I'll be right back," he adds, a little showily, touching Leslie's shoulder.

Elizabeth smiles after him, then turns to Leslie enthusiastically. "The two of you really look great together. I agree with William, if we play this right, it could mean a big bump for us."

Leslie smiles and nods, feeling kind of helpless. It's nice to have the whole team on board, but she's not marrying Ben just for a bump. Is it going to look like she's marrying Ben just for a bump?

"Are the two of you planning on raising a family in Pawnee?" Elizabeth continues. "Because that's a talking point we should introduce sooner rather than later."

Leslie opens her mouth but her vocal cords take a second to cooperate. "I -- yeah. We are, yes. Planning on that. I mean, when I have kids, I'm absolutely going to raise them in Pawnee."

"Excellent," says William. "Hearing that you have a personal stake in Pawnee's future is really going to strike a chord with the community." He glances at his Blackberry, then turns to Elizabeth. "We should really get back, we have that--"

"Conference call," Elizabeth supplies, snapping her planner shut. She smiles at Leslie, reaching across the table to grasp her hand. "Congratulations, Leslie. We're so happy for you. Please give Ben our regards, and we'll see you both on Friday!"

Leslie half-rises from her seat, shaking Elizabeth's hand, then William's. "Thank you both so much. Friday, we'll be there!"

A minute or so later, Ben makes his way back to the table, looking around shiftily. "Are they gone?"

Leslie pulls him back down into his seat, then leans into him, and he puts his arm around her obligingly. "You can wear whatever shirt you want to the picture thing. You don't even have to come if you don't want to, I can tell them you have the flu. April can Photoshop you into the pictures, she's really good. Or I could get a cardboard cutout to carry around with me. I know you hate that publicity stuff."

Ben turns his head and when Leslie looks up, he kisses her on the lips, right there in the middle of JJ's. "I'll be there," he says. Then he fumbles in his pocket for a moment. "Hey, I got you something."

Leslie sits up sharply, leaning away until she nearly slips off the other side of her chair. "Oh, no. Last time this ended with you breaking up with me."

"Not this time." Ben holds up a clear plastic bubble and rattling around inside is a tiny ring with a gaudy pink heart. "There's a machine up front. I just thought you should have something, until we figure out the whole engagement ring issue. It's dumb, I know. I just thought it would be, um. Funny, I guess."

It would be really inappropriate to cry over this fake plastic ring that Ben obviously bought as a joke, to celebrate their equally fake engagement, and Leslie has to bite the inside of her lip really hard until she remembers that. "It's, um," she says around the lump in her throat. "Yeah, it's super funny." She takes the bubble from Ben, turns it over in her hands, and cracks it open gently. "It's perfect."

**

On to part 1b

FIC: A Modest Proposal, part 1b (Parks and Rec, Leslie/Ben)

annakovsky — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:16:00 GMT

Title: A Modest Proposal (Part 1b)
Authors: tearupthesky and annakovsky
Fandom: Parks and Recreation
Pairing: Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt
Rating: R for sexytimes
Length: 12,300 words in this part
Authors' Notes: Set immediately post-"Smallest Park," 4x08. Wouldn't normally post this as a WIP, but it will no doubt get completely jossed by the next episode and this thing is turning annoyingly epic, so we thought we might as well put it out there while it's still canon compliant. More parts coming soon!
Summary: The one where to avoid a sex scandal they just get married.

Back to part 1a

**

Everyone always says that planning a wedding is super stressful, so Leslie keeps waiting for it to be really hard, but it's practically the easiest event she's ever planned -- compared to the Harvest Festival, it barely even registers. By the end of the day that they told Chris they were getting married, she already has the date set, Harvey James Park booked, the florist arranged, the justice of the peace lined up, and appointments with three different bakeries to try their cakes. The cake is important, all right? But otherwise, she just contacts her usual vendors, and it's not even expensive because half of them are so pleased to hear she's getting married that they want to donate their services for free. How does it take people a year to get all this done? She thought a month might be too fast, but she could've totally gotten it done in two weeks.

She knows it's just a fake wedding to get around the rule, but it's still fun to get to plan an event and think about what she and Ben and their friends would like, instead of the whole public. Andy's going to write them an original song, and they're getting a bouncy castle for the reception, and there's going to be face-painting, and it's basically going to be the most fun wedding ever in the history of the universe. And it's extra awesome to be planning things with Ben.

Actually the weirdest part of the whole thing is having everybody know that she and Ben are together. It's such a strange thrill to be able to hold hands at lunch in the courtyard if they want, and go to restaurants that are actually in Pawnee, and show up at work in the same car in the morning, and have no one even bat an eye. While they were dating before, they always had to have sex at Leslie's -- which was kind of nice, actually, home court advantage -- but now Ben's place is an actual option, even if Andy and April are home.

Leslie's been over there before, obviously, but it's different to show up as Ben's girlfriend and not as, like, Andy and April's party guest. "Hey," Ben says, grinning at her as he opens the door and taking the big box of wedding preparations out of her hands. Very gentlemanly, Ben.

"Hi," Leslie says, leaning in to kiss him hello. That still isn't getting old either, kissing Ben in public.

It goes on for a little long, actually. In fact, until Leslie hears April say, "Ew," from behind Ben.

Leslie pulls back just far enough to say, "Shut up, April," and then kisses Ben a little more just because she can. Also because it makes April make a gagging noise. Ben is smiling against her mouth.

When they finally break apart Leslie says, "Are you ready for some exciting reception seating action?" This part is going to be so fun! She made little pins to represent the different people so they can move them around on the table diagram she made. All the little pins have people's actual faces on them and everything.

Ben laughs. "Definitely," he says. "You want spaghetti or pancakes for dinner?"

Ew, spaghetti. "Do you even have to ask? You got bacon, right?"

"Of course," Ben says as they head for the kitchen. "And don't worry, I stocked up on extra whipped cream so we don't have another incident."

"Aww, you're the best fiance ever," Leslie says. She's getting such a charge out of calling him her fiance, and it's kind of funny, like an in-joke between them that nobody else gets. Ben gives her the little secret amused smile he always does when she says that.

"Sweet," Andy calls to Ben from where he's playing Xbox on the couch. "We're having pancakes? Did you get real maple syrup this time?"

"Uh... Leslie and I are having pancakes," Ben says. "I don't know what you're having."

"But it's Wednesday," April says, looking horrified. "You always cook on Wednesdays!"

"Yeah, it's family dinner night!" Andy says. "Since when is it not family dinner night?"

"Since Leslie and I are having date night?" Ben says. He sets the box of wedding stuff down on the table and goes to the kitchen to start cooking, totally ignoring the sad puppy, lips-pouting-out faces that April and Andy are giving him right now. Wow, he is made of strong stuff, apparently he is not going to be spoiling the hypothetical future children William and Elizabeth want them to have.

"Aww," Leslie says. "They can have dinner with us if they want."

Ben gives her a look like, don't encourage them, but Andy's already saying, "Yay!" and April's saying, "See, Leslie wants us to have dinner with you. Don't be selfish, Ben."

"Yeah, don't be selfish, Ben," Leslie says, teasing him.

Ben rolls his eyes at her, but he's smiling a little. "Yeah, all right, don't say I didn't warn you." He's starting to mix up the pancake batter, and Leslie perches on the kitchen counter to watch him.

She looks over her shoulder at where April and Andy are cuddling on the couch now, April telling Andy what to do in his video game. "Aww, but they're so cute," she says.

"Trust me, they're less cute when they're shortsheeting your bed," he says. "Okay, do you want blueberries or chocolate chips in the pancakes? The kids will probably want chocolate chips."

Leslie glances over at him, startled, and he's smiling to himself as he cracks an egg against the bowl. She laughs at the joke, feeling a little funny in her stomach and says, "Well, me too."

"Shocker," Ben says, shaking his head at her.

"Chocolate has antioxidants!" she says, and when he just laughs at her she grabs his tie to pull him in to kiss him, his lips warm against hers. He's smiling again and opening his mouth and after a second he moves over a step to stand between her legs, hands dropping down to her thighs.

When they finally pull apart, Leslie's still holding his tie, playing with it between her fingers. "I can't believe you're still wearing your tie at home," she says. "Isn't that uncomfortable?"

Ben shrugs as she starts undoing the knot. "I forgot about it," he says.

"You're not that good at relaxing, did you know that?" Leslie says.

His hands are still big and warm on her thighs, and it's so intimate, her taking off his tie. He laughs. "Look who's talking," he says as she slides the tie out of his collar. "The woman who gets up at 5 am so she can do work before work."

"Hey!" Leslie says, laughing. "But at least I'm wearing a hoodie right now." She unbuttons the top button of his shirt. "There, that's better."

"Well, thank you," Ben says. He kisses the corner of her mouth for a second before he lets go of her and goes back to mixing the eggs into the pancake batter.

"Okay, I wanted to run some wedding stuff by you," Leslie says. "I've been thinking about what to do between the ceremony and the reception, and okay, this might be a little bit over the top, but hear me out: fireworks."

Ben's eyebrows go up. "Fireworks," he says. He gets out a measuring cup and starts pouring milk into it.

"Yeah!" Leslie says as he mixes the milk into the batter too. "They have fancy ones now, ones that do shapes! Maybe we could even get them to do ones, like, with our names, or maybe our initials, I don't know, I haven't looked into it yet, but wouldn't that be awesome? Fireworks right when they announce us as husband and wife?"

Ben smiles a little at the husband and wife -- seriously, it's just so weird and funny and kind of cool -- but overall he doesn't seem quite as enthused about the idea as Leslie thought he would be. "Yeah, um, that's an idea," he says. But then he just trails off and there's this horrible pause.

"What?" Leslie says. "Ugh, you hate it, don't you? That was a dumb idea, I don't know what I was thinking."

"No, no," Ben says. "No, that's a great idea! It's just...." He lowers his voice a little, shooting a look over at April and Andy even though they're way at the other end of the room, and have turned on an action movie really loud, so there's no way they could hear them. "Well, that sounds kind of expensive, doesn't it?"

"Oh," Leslie says. "I guess. I hadn't thought about it."

Ben shrugs, looking apologetic. "I mean, just -- because this isn't really a real wedding... we probably shouldn't go crazy on the expensive stuff, right?"

He says it so nicely, and it's such a reasonable thing to say, and he obviously isn't trying to hurt Leslie's feelings or anything. It's Leslie's fault that she gets a sick feeling in her stomach over it -- she can't believe she was half-forgetting this isn't a real wedding, getting all caught up in the planning and the moment and everything. It's a good thing that Ben's here to remind her, actually, so she doesn't get to thinking that he's really going to be like her real husband after this. Sure, they want to date, and be together, but that doesn't mean they're getting married. This relationship is still brand new -- it's good for Ben to remind her that they aren't that serious.

"Right," Leslie says, swallowing. "Yeah, of course, that's a good point. Not a real wedding."

Ben gets a weird expression on his face at that, but he probably just feels bad about shooting Leslie down. After a second he says, "I mean, it's not a real wedding, right?"

God, he probably thinks Leslie is trying to trick him into getting married or something, like she's got some crazy agenda and probably he's going to freak out and break up with her in the shower, oh God. She's been here before. "Of course not!" she says. "Don't be silly, I was just -- you know, putting on a good show, is all! But no fireworks, roger that, good buddy."

She punches him in the arm for good measure, but Ben's still frowning a little, and it's making her nervous. "Um," she says, desperately wanting to change the subject. "Are the pancakes ready yet?"

Ben looks down at the batter like he'd forgotten he was in the middle of making it. "Oh! Yeah, just about," he says. "Let me get the chocolate chips."

**

Andy and April are chomping at the bit to eat as soon as the pancakes start coming off the griddle -- Ben owns a griddle, like a real adult person who doesn't have to use a frying pan for pancakes -- but Ben makes them wait until enough are ready that they can all sit down together.

"This is nice," Leslie says, looking around the table at Andy with his mouth stuffed full of pancake already, and April doing some kind of weird surgery on hers with her knife, prying out the chocolate chips to arrange them in some pattern Leslie can't make out yet. Ben is sitting next to her, and he hooked his ankle around hers, so they're touching and no one can see. She kind of wants to hold hands with him under the table but it would be his right hand and she should probably let him eat. She's trying to be more thoughtful like that lately.

"Totally," Andy says, the word garbled through the pancake. He chews and takes a sip of milk and swallows. "Family dinner night is the best. Hey, how come you guys are engaged but you're not living together?"

Oh no. So far they've been able to glide along without anyone asking very many awkward questions, but crap, that does look weird. "Um," Leslie says, shooting a panicked glance at Ben, who has, of course, completely frozen. He is really not an asset in this whole lying-to-all-their-friends situation. "We're, um, not moving in together until after the wedding. Because of... um, propriety."

April is looking at them with that unsettling gaze like she sees right through them, but Andy nods enthusiastically. "Yeah, we didn't either," he says. "Because we didn't decide to get married until the day before, but still. Propriety is awesome!"

"Yes," Leslie says. Her voice sounds weird. "It is very awesome."

"Well, that's cool, though," Andy says. "We can have family dinner night all the time once you move in, Leslie! It'll be the best!"

When Leslie... what? She blinks at Andy for a second, then looks at Ben, who looks equally confused. "Um, Andy," Leslie says. "I'm not moving in here." No way. No way in hell. Ben says they have mice now. Andy and April have started to give them names and Ben's pretty sure they're feeding them behind his back.

"What?" April says, eyes narrowing at Ben.

Crap on a crawdad, why are they having this conversation now? Ben and Leslie haven't even gotten around to talking about their living arrangements after the wedding yet -- it's so awkward! Moving in together is a big step, and Leslie doesn't know if they're there yet, or if Ben's there yet -- they just barely got back together, after all. And now Ben's talking about how this isn't a real wedding, and things aren't that serious, and just, Leslie doesn't want to push anything!

But they'll pretty much have to move in together after the wedding if they want to keep, you know, not getting fired, and now that she thinks about it, Leslie guesses she was mostly assuming Ben would move in to her place. She has a spare room so he can have his own space if he wants, and there aren't any mice, and no one will wake him up at 1 am playing a new game they invented called "Demolition." But she doesn't know if Ben's okay with that or if he wants them both to move somewhere else or what, crap, why is this coming up in front of other people? It's on her wedding planning list and everything; she should've talked about this days ago instead of being too chicken to find out how Ben felt about it.

"You're moving out?" Andy says, staring at Ben like he's just been personally betrayed. "But why!"

"Um," Ben says. He looks at Leslie, a distressed sort of look Leslie can't read, and then he says, "Well, I'm, uh, getting married, Andy. You guys can get a new roommate."

"That's bullshit," April says. "You signed a lease."

Ben stares at her for a second. "No, I didn't," he says. "Anyway I'm already six months ahead on the rent, so you guys should be fine for awhile."

"But who's gonna remind me to pay the bills?" Andy says. He still looks bereft, like he just found out his parents are getting divorced. "Who's going to take me to the hospital when I burn my arm playing Fire Darts?"

Oh God. "Fire Darts?" Leslie says, looking at Ben.

Ben closes his eyes and shakes his head for a second, like the memory pains him. "Okay, even after I move out, you are not allowed to play Fire Darts," Ben says. "I mean it, Andy. I will find out if you do."

"God," Andy says. "They're not even that dangerous. You totally overreacted."

"Andy!" Ben says.

Andy looks aggravated, but he says, "Fine, I promise."

"You guys will be fine," Ben says. "And after the wedding, I'll be...." He trails off, looking at Leslie like a question. Leslie's pretty sure the question is, 'are we moving in together?' She makes a 'yes, totally' face back at him. "I'll be moving into Leslie's place," Ben says, more confidently this time, though he shoots another look at Leslie like he's nervous after he says it. She nods just a little bit. Yes, yeah, that's good. Phew. Ben looks relieved too, smiling at her shyly before he turns back to Andy. "Okay, Andy?"

Andy shrugs. He still looks bummed out, but he's rallying. "I can't believe you guys are really getting married," he says. "I'm still totally mad you're moving out, but being married is the best. Right, babe?"

April nods, giving Leslie and Ben a measuring look. "Definitely," she says. "Do you want some marriage advice? We've got tons."

Yeahhhhh, okay, that is not necessary. "Oh, I think we're okay," Leslie says.

April totally ignores her, though, starting to talk over the end of her sentence. "First thing, husbands have to do whatever you say. It's in the Constitution."

"Yep!" Andy says, completely cheerful and completely sincere.

"Um," Leslie says. "That's not in the Constitution."

"No, it is," Andy says, his voice getting delicate and precise. "April showed me. Article 2b, sentence 3."

April is smirking, and Leslie opens her mouth to correct him, but under the table Ben steps on her foot gently. When she glances over at him, he shakes his head like he's trying to tell her arguing with them isn't worth the effort. So instead Leslie says, "Well, that's good to know. Isn't it, Ben? Are you ready to do whatever I say?"

Ben smiles at her a little ruefully, the pancake speared on his fork forgotten for a second. "Always," he says.

**

Elizabeth was right; Ben and Leslie do look good together in the pictures from the photo-op at the rec center. Ben's standing behind her supportively just like Bill Clinton when Hillary was running, except without all the cheating and attention-hogging, and Ben's blue tie does pop really nicely -- Tom took him shopping for a new suit, and the one they got looks great -- and it's all so respectable and romantic and even Leslie's stupid perfect plastic engagement ring catches the light and looks amazing. The pictures are so good that Leslie almost wonders if they could use them for their official engagement notice in the paper, even though that's probably a silly idea. It's just so nice to have a sort-of spouse type person behind her at a campaign event instead of coworkers.

The event was a good way to announce it, too -- all the questions are startled and therefore nicer, and Perd Hapley looks really happy for them, and afterward Leslie is so relieved it all went well.

The happy glow of it lasts exactly three hours, which is how long it takes for Joan Callamezzo to call the campaign asking if Leslie wants to come on Pawnee Today to talk about how she had sex in exchange for money for the Harvest Festival, but it's a really nice three hours anyway.

**

That night, Ben and Leslie are having their normal Friday night work party at Leslie's house, sitting on the floor in front of her coffee table with their respective files spread out in front of them. Ben is looking through budget spreadsheets, and Leslie is working on her next campaign fundraiser, but that keeps reminding her that she and Ben are going on Joan Callamezzo's show on Monday, which keeps making her feel like she's going to barf. God, it's not even the first time she's been on Joan's show for a scandal about sex-- there were the gay penguins, and the topless centaur painting, and the time everyone thought she was sleeping with Councilman Dexhart -- but this time it's making her and Ben into something tawdry and that feels extra awful. She can't stop glancing over at Ben to see if he feels the same way, but he... pretty much looks fine, so he must be really good at hiding his feelings.

They're going to have a prep session with William and Elizabeth over the weekend, which should make her feel less like barfing but somehow actually makes it worse. Because they're probably going to tell her and Ben to talk about how committed they are to each other and how they're going to have a gajillion babies to send to Pawnee's stellar public school system, and it's way too soon to be talking about any of that and Ben's going to freak out that she's baby crazy and break up with her just like Steve did when she accidentally told him that she'd always wanted to have a daughter named Eleanor -- she didn't even mean she wanted to have Eleanor with STEVE, but did he see it that way, no, he did not -- and then everything will be the worst and she'll be alone and her campaign will be over and she'll have nothing and --

"Are you okay?" Ben says, out of nowhere, like he can read her thoughts.

"What?" Leslie says. Crap, he can't actually read her thoughts, can he? "Um, why?"

"You're twitching," Ben says, and he reaches out and puts his hand on her knee, which she just now notices has been bouncing up and down nervously for God knows how long. She makes herself hold still, but Ben leaves his hand there anyway, which feels nice.

"Oh," Leslie says, trying to laugh casually, like someone without a care in the world. Judging from Ben's alarmed look, it came off more scary than anything, though. Whoops. Ugh, what is even the point of trying to be casual, this is a disaster. "God, Ben," she says, and then suddenly everything's pouring of her in a rush. "I'm so sorry about this Joan Callamezzo thing, it's going to be awful, and if it wasn't for me you wouldn't be in this mess, I shouldn't be running for office at all, probably, it's just a bad idea, and you don't have to come on Pawnee Today if you don't want to, I totally understand if you want out and I --"

"Leslie," Ben interrupts her, looking really confused. "Hey. Hey, calm down, it's all fine. We knew this was going to come out if we got back together, and we decided to do it anyway. We'll get through it together. It's nothing to be upset about."

Leslie swallows. "It isn't?"

"Of course not," Ben says. He reaches out and grabs her hand, squeezing it for a second. She squeezes back, smiling at him tentatively, and he lifts her hand up to his mouth to kiss the back of it. Ugh, stupid perfect Ben.

She really just wants to make out with him right now, but she better warn him about all the horrible things William and Elizabeth are going to say while she's thinking about it. "Um," she says. "Just to brace you for our meeting about the interview tomorrow. Uh, William and Elizabeth might want us to talk about, uh, like if we're going to have kids and things like that --" Ben's eyes widen a little bit and she gets panicky, talking even faster. "I know! I know, it's way too soon for all that. I'm sorry, it's so awkward. I just wanted you to know so you wouldn't be surprised." Oh God, she has to let him know that she's not pushing for any of this, she is not taking this too seriously, she knows it's all pretend! "I mean, I, um, think it's crazy too, I can't believe this fake wedding means we have to talk about dumb stuff like that."

Ben's face has gone all still and unreadable. "Right," he says. "Yeah."

"Believe me," Leslie says. "That stuff is all way in the future."

Ben is not looking as relieved as she thought he would, oh God, does he still think she wants to have his babies immediately? "I mean," she says, just to be absolutely, perfectly clear. "We're still just dating. I totally understand that this isn't a real marriage."

Ben clears his throat. "Right, of course," he says. "Yeah, uh, me too. Totally fake."

He doesn't exactly look like he's on the verge of breaking up with her, so mission accomplished, she guesses, but he doesn't look too good and Leslie feels crappier than she was anticipating from the whole conversation. Just... well, of course the marriage is fake. What was she expecting, Ben to correct her and say, no, it's actually real? He's already made himself really clear about that.

He still looks really weird, though, staring off into space like he's forgotten Leslie's there. "Hey," she says. "Um, are we okay?"

Ben blinks, brought back to earth, and after a second he smiles at her. "Of course," he says.

"And you're really okay with going on Pawnee Today for Joan to call us big sluts?"

Ben laughs. "It's always been a dream of mine to get called a slut on local access TV."

"We should really prepare for the worst," Leslie says, taking the spreadsheet out of Ben's hands and laying it down with her files. Ben leans back gamely and Leslie climbs onto his lap, running her hands along his shoulders, her fingers through his hair, still not used to the fact that no one's going to burst in and arrest them. She kind of wonders if she'll ever get used to it, or if she really wants to. "I mean, we know Joan's not afraid to hit below the belt, and she's going to see any hesitation as a sign of weakness."

Ben slides his hands up Leslie's back and smiles that cute sideways smile. "Yeah, but isn't that what the prep is for? To prepare us?"

Smartass. Leslie tugs on his hair and he pinches her hip to retaliate, then she flicks his earlobe with her thumb. "William and Elizabeth have been super helpful, but they haven't exactly dazzled me with their outside-the-box thinking. I doubt they have the imagination to keep up with Joan."

Ben pulls Leslie's blouse untucked and runs his hand across the small of her back. While Leslie's kissing the corner of his mouth, he murmurs, "You, on the other hand, are extremely imaginative. What kind of questions do you think Joan might have for me?"

Leslie scooches farther onto Ben's lap until their hips bump together and she can feel the bulge in his pants. "I think she'll probably ask what's your favorite thing about doing it with me." Ben laughs and Leslie kisses his smiling mouth. "Don't make light of the issues, Benjamin," she says. "Pawnee voters have a right to know."

"Hmmm," Ben says, making a big show of looking off into space, like he's thinking deeply. "My favorite thing about doing it with you?" He smiles a little wider, eyes bright and amused. "Everything?"

Leslie cackles. "Ben!" she says, hitting him on the shoulder. "C'mon, that's not an answer. If you highlight everything, you have actually emphasized nothing. That's very good advice Ron gave me once when I bought too many highlighters."

Ben laughs, starting to undo the buttons on her blouse, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he concentrates. Luckily since it's Friday she's wearing her sexy black bra. "I love when you talk dirty to me about office supplies," he says.

"Joan's not going to let you dodge the question like that," Leslie says sternly, wiggling around a little on his lap as his fingertips brush her bare skin.

Ben leans in to kiss her collarbone, and she can feel him smiling against her skin. "Joan plays hardball," he says. Then, in a lower tone, more intimate and serious, "I like going down on you."

Leslie shivers involuntarily, remembering the last time he did that. "Ugh, you're such a suck up," she says, trying to play it off, but her voice comes out a little low herself, not the jokey way she means it to.

Ben smiles up at her, his eyes dark and a little bit smug, and he pushes her blouse off her shoulders. "Does Joan think I'm lying?"

He is wearing entirely too many clothes, is what Joan thinks. Leslie starts unbuttoning his shirt. "No," she says, trying to keep her dignity. "I suppose Joan will accept that answer."

Ben grins at her. "You know what I think Joan will ask you?" he says, cupping her breast thoughtfully over her bra.

"What?" Leslie says. She's gotten enough buttons undone that he should be able to just pull the shirt off over his head, and she starts to go for it. Ben lifts his arms to help.

"When," he says, his voice muffled as the shirt covers his face, "did you realize you wanted to ravish your boss?"

Leslie gets the shirt all the way off right then, revealing Ben with his hair sticking up and his eyes bright, looking younger than he does when he's more put-together. She twists her fingers through the wiry hair on his chest and sighs. "The first time I saw him chopping wood. Flannel hugging his biceps in the crisp autumn air. God, it was glorious."

Ben groans and sinks backwards until he's lying on the rug and Leslie's straddling him. She leans down close until their noses almost touch and her hair falls around their faces.

"Oh, no, Joan meant you, didn't she?" she teases, widening her eyes. "She should really be more specific, I had no way of knowing!"

His body all lax in protest, Ben starts to roll his eyes, then grabs Leslie's ass suddenly with one hand and heaves them over on the rug, pressing her down on the floor and hiking her legs around his waist roughly. He catches her in a hard, dizzying kiss and runs his hands up her body to squeeze her breasts, grinding his hips against her just the right way to make her gasp, and when he leans back, Leslie would be hard-pressed to remember the name of the current President of the United States, let alone the Director of the Parks Department.

"Did that help clear things up?" Ben asks, smirking, reaching under Leslie's back to get her bra unhooked.

"Yeah, that, um." Leslie licks her lips, staring at Ben's stupid mouth. "Wait, what was the question?"

Ben thumbs Leslie's nipples in slow circles, then starts rolling them between his fingers, and he leans down to kiss the tops of Leslie's breasts before he looks up at her face. "When did you realize you wanted me, Leslie?"

Ugh, besides right now, this minute, and all the time forever? "When you told me how hard you were working to prove you were a responsible grown-up. You sounded so sad, and I wanted to do some very irresponsible things to cheer you up."

Ben blinks a few times, making his most surprised face. "Really," he says. "Huh."

He sounds really dubious, but what's so weird about that? "What, does Joan think I'm lying?"

"No," Ben says, still looking taken aback. "Just -- are you sure? That was really early. That was like the second day I was in Pawnee, practically."

"Yeah," Leslie says, still not getting what the weird part is. Wait, did he not want to do stuff to her until way later? "Why, when did you realize you wanted me?"

After a second Ben looks sheepish. "Yeah, okay," he says. "Probably when you told me you talked to everyone at April's birthday party and they all wanted me to leave."

"Really?" Leslie says, laughing despite herself. "Oh my God, I said that? That's so mean."

Ben shrugs. "You're cute when you're drunk," he says, and leans down to take her nipple into his mouth.

God, he is good with his stupid tongue. Leslie slides her hands into his hair -- ugh, and he has such good hair, she's always wanting to run her fingers through it at inappropriate times during the work day -- and tries to retain cognitive function. Thinking about Ben liking her way back then.

Ben comes back up to kiss her again, and she grinds her hips into his, so he groans. He's hard against her leg. "This was a good interview," Leslie says, a little breathless as Ben starts kissing down her neck. "Joan might be a little scandalized if we do this part in her studio, though."

"Joan doesn't like topless interviews?" Ben says.

Leslie laughs, low, and reaches between them for the button on his fly. "Yeah, and she should probably really leave for the next part," she says, brushing against his cock before she starts to undo it.

"Fuck," Ben gasps as she touches him. "Yeah, let's stop talking about Joan." He lifts his hips to help her get his pants undone, and then reaches for hers, slipping his hand under her waistband without even bothering with the fly.

"Ben," she says as he slides it into her underwear, slipping over her folds. God, that always feels so good. He dips his fingertip into her, teasing, and she grabs at his back. "God," she says, somehow still thinking about Joan, about the big sex scandal brewing, about people thinking that she slept with Ben to help her career, about everyone knowing about them. It's awful but it's kind of a little bit hot, too. Everyone knowing that Ben wants her badly enough to risk his career. "You know. Everyone in town knows you're doing this to me."

Startled, Ben pulls back to stare at her -- oh god, that was probably too dirty, oh god, take it back -- but then before she can freak out too badly he smiles, that glint in his eye he gets when they play Biden and Pelosi.

"You like that, huh?" Ben says, slipping in a second finger, making Leslie gasp and squirm. "Everyone knows we broke the rules. Everyone knows we tried to stop but we couldn't, because we're just too good together."

He leans down and kisses her neck, sweeping his tongue over her skin, using his teeth just hard enough to leave a mark, curling his fingers at the same time against that good place inside her, and Leslie sucks in a breath.

"Someone's going to see!" she says, aiming for a protest, but it comes out breathy and excited, and her hips push up against Ben's hand all by themselves.

Ben eases up immediately but Leslie can still feel the tender spot on her throat where it must be all pinked up from his mouth, where it might turn red, might let everyone know Ben was kissing her, but they won't know he had his fingers inside her at the same time, they won't know how eagerly Leslie arched her hips and wrestled down her fly so she could shove her pants off and pull Ben down to her, they won't know how amazing that first deep push inside felt, how it always feels, Ben's shocked shaky breath against her lips like he'll never get used to this either.

They won't know any of that, and frankly it's none of their business. Leslie's done feeling guilty for wanting to share a connection with another person. Sure, maybe she and Ben will mess it up for themselves somehow, someday, but she's not going to let anyone else take that chance away from them, not Chris, not Joan, not anyone.

"Hey," Ben murmurs against Leslie's cheek, gently bringing her out of her reverie. "You with me?"

Leslie reaches up and cups Ben's face in her hands, looking into his eyes, getting back to that place where nothing else matters, where there's just Ben and how he makes her feel. "Of course I am," she says, and Ben kisses her, and it's perfect.

At least in this sex scandal, Leslie finally gets to enjoy the actual sex part.

**

TBC

Dear Yuletide 2011

annakovsky — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 20:13:49 GMT

Dear Yuletide writer,

I am beginning to feel like these letters are more a way to tell one's flist what one is asking for than anything, but I will pretend I am writing this for you and not in the hopes that people will write me extra presents. BECAUSE I TOTALLY AM WRITING IT FOR YOU, THIS IS PURELY ALTRUISTIC TO HELP YOUR PROCESS, ASK ANYONE.

Optional details are of course optional! Disregard any of this if it's not helpful -- I know I always like having more information rather than less, but if this is overwhelming, ignore it and write the story you want to write, for realsies. I have picked fandoms and pairings for my requests where I will be delighted with any story.

Likes: Basically anything that's really creative or different -- a crazy AU, an experimental format, second person, something that turns the source on its head. I also like anything that's really cliched! So have fun teasing THAT combination out, you're welcome. I just really enjoy a good trope -- fanfic is so great because it gives us a place where there's always a shortage of beds, weather that means we need to huddle together for warmth, obligatory formal dances at work functions, and gay bars that really need some undercover investigation. I also like fic about awesome ladies, and relationships where the lady has the upper hand. Also, this is embarrassing, but lately I am super into babyfic. Would I be into it for all these pairings? ... yes, I totally would. I'm Joey, I'm disgusting.

Also if you like writing porn, I like reading porn.

Dislikes: To be honest, if anything's written really well I can usually be talked into it -- I don't have very many squicks. But I'm not into manpain, lady bashing, or things being boring. Obviously also I will dislike sexism, racism, homophobia, etc, etc. Also I really hate stories where characters brood by themselves and don't interact with anybody. Otherwise, the world is your oyster.

Specific requests! (ETA: For those of you who are not my yuletide author, and who this letter is CLEARLY NOT GEARED TOWARDS IN ANY WAY, the italics are my actual yuletide requests, the non-italics are the additional commentary.)

Parks and Rec (Ron/Leslie): I really love Ron and Leslie's super-married-and-also-antagonistic friendship -- how well they know each other and how much they respect each other even though they could not be more opposite in a lot of ways and though they sometimes drive each other crazy. I love when relationships are weirdly intimate for what they are -- that Ron always knows what advice Leslie needs to hear, and that Leslie knows exactly what would be Ron's perfect birthday. I'd love to have fic about that relationship turning romantic, whether it's a one-night-stand or them realizing they should get married and have kickass babies.

I am always a sucker for partnerships and best-friend-ships, and people acting married who are not actually married. Whenever Ron and Leslie act like the mom and dad to the office, it's amazing, and the Pawnee Goddesses episode made me desperately want them to raise an actual child together, I don't even know. Really, anything you would write with them being into each other would make my life -- remember that time Leslie ran away to Ron's cabin where he was hiding out with a mountain beard and she spent the night there and wanted to stay for two to three years? The question this reporter has is a statement: maybe they totally did it.

Party Down (Henry/Casey): It is such a travesty there is no Henry/Casey fic on the internet (to my knowledge), I do not understand it. I would love any shippy fic for them, and I think I would be particularly into future fic -- like, what if they got really successful? Or even just mildly successful? Or what if it's 10 years later and they're still huge loser failures? Or if future fic's not your bag, anything about their relationship would be great -- since we never get to see them at home or out on dates or anything, I'd be really curious what they're like when they're away from work.

Man, Henry/Casey is one of my favorite TV relationships, and Casey in particular is one of my favorite characters of all time. The only thing I wouldn't like for this pairing is if you were rough on Casey for breaking Henry's heart, because sometimes you just have to write your name on the earth in gasoline and set that shit on fire, you know? Basically as long as you keep Casey awesome, I will love whatever you do with them.

Saturday Night Live RPF (Seth/Amy): I suuuuuuuuuuper ship Seth and Amy. I love how Seth always says she's his best friend from the cast, and how Seth was the only one with her on her Best of commentary, and how delighted they always seem to be to be in each other's company. He was clearly her SNL work-husband, and I love how they were new kids the same year, and Seth still doing the Amy tap at the end of Weekend Update kills me. Any fic where they make out and/or have sexytimes would be awesome, either in the real world or in some creative AU (high school! detective agency! whatevs!).

Seth and Amy make me have so many feelings, like a crazy person, a little. I totally tinhat that he has been in love with her since they met, and I know it's ridiculous, BUT I JUST THINK THE FACTS BEAR ME OUT. And to be totally honest, I love Arnett, but at the same time I honestly would not care one bit if you made him the villain. (Whatever, sorry, Arnett, you'll be fine.) But it's also totally cool if you handwave him away or write an AU or whatever!

Also I would like to note that when I typed this request up, TextEdit autocorrected the "whatevs" at the end to "wharves." So if you want to write a good wharf AU, TextEdit is on board. YEAH TEXTEDIT I MEANT WHARVES. HE IS THE WHARF, SHE IS THE SEA. GOOD IDEA.

(Please don't write a wharf AU.)

How about Germany? They've never been the bad guys.

annakovsky — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 17:19:59 GMT

I've been having a weird impromptu X-Files marathon lately -- I haven't watched that show in FOREVER but for some reason out of the blue I got the urge to watch the first season episode "Eve", and it held up SHOCKINGLY WELL. I tend to the think of the first season as being kind of terrible, but man, I can see why my 14 year old self got really into it. (Also, hilariously, I have a lot of very specific memories of where I watched different episodes, and I was such a baby. Often it's like, WOW, I watched this for the first time while babysitting for the people who lived behind us, and I totally freaked myself out. Or, I had to go to my friend's play that Friday night, so I had to tape the episode on the VCR and it only taped half and I was super mad. Haha, being a fangirl in the mid-90s was the worst, remember how if you missed something that was just too bad? Unless you could find someone on a Prodigy X-Files message board who would send you a VHS tape in the mail?)

Anyway, here are some reflections on my very first fandom, more than 15 years after it first aired (augh):

1) The show totally holds up, even with their '90s hair and weird awkward flirting that sometimes comes off as a hostile work environment, MULDER. (It is weird to watch older media sometimes, I saw a couple things from the '80s lately, which I do not think of as super old, and boy, the '80s sure played fast and loose with issues of consent, didn't they? NO MEANS NO, BILL MURRAY IN GHOSTBUSTERS.)

2) That being said, I think Chris Carter wanted Mulder and Scully to come off as super smart, which seems to mean "talking like they are robots." No one uses the word "perhaps" in conversations with their mother, Scully! Some of the writing is SO CLUNKY, especially -- haha, remember those horrible voiceovers about, like, the nature of the universe? Those are STILL THE WORST. Chris Carter, stop hurting the English language like that, what did it ever do to you.

3) I had kind of forgotten how very consciously post-Watergate the show is, in a way that comes off really dated now. Sometimes the whole show makes me think, oh, 1990s, things were so good you had to INVENT things to be upset about, that's adorable. Also, like... I know the whole post-Watergate mentality is generally thought of as a very cynical one, but it weirdly comes off to me as really naive now? Like, there are times when Mulder rants about how the truth will come out and the American people will never tolerate it, etc! And my reaction to that is, "Yeah, right, like the truth coming out ever stops anything." Ha ha? I was thinking about whether that's, like, idk, a post-9/11 mentality, but I actually think it's a post-2008-economic-collapse mentality. Oh, everyone knows that Wall Street crashed the economy, but... nothing's going to change? Great!

(Actually, as an aside, I feel like we are so post-9/11 now that we're actually post-post-9/11, in that if I never hear the phrase "post-9/11" again it will be too soon. Also, is anybody watching the show Homeland? Super good show, but it actually strikes me as post-9/11 in a way that is a little bit dated, like it would've felt more timely 5 years ago. Like, ugh, really, we're still worrying about terrorists? I'm actually worried about getting a job, but okay.)

4) God, Scully gets a bum deal in this show. (Haha, hilariously I vividly remember arguing on the internet when I was like 15 that Mulder got kidnapped just as much as Scully, it wasn't sexist! Lolol oh young me, there is just so much I need to tell you about, but tragically I cannot.) And riddle me this, internet: why does every single lady ever on a genre show have to get reproductively assaulted in some way? (Subset question: Why does every lady on a procedural or possibly every other genre eventually realize that all she wants in the world are babies? TIRED TROPE, TELEVISION. TIRED.) But ah, Scully. Family members murdered, ova harvested, cancer gotten, abducted multiple times, life threatened, dog eaten, clone daughter found and then dead, mysterious messiah baby, partner leaving you and writing you notes addressed "Dearest Dana" COULD YOUR LIFE BE WORSE? And to add insult to injury we sure see a lot more of Mulder crying alone in the dark than you. Haha, don't burden us with your silly lady emotions, a MAN is sad.

5) In the same vein, sometimes everything on the show is so SRS BZNS that it's hilarious. Skinner is always stalking around yelling for no reason! Take it down a notch, man! Haha and I seem to remember a quote from Duchovny about how when he has to deliver lines about sewer monsters it is diminishing to him as a human and as an actor and lololololol it's so true, I actually feel bad for the actors in those moments when they have to very seriously deliver very very silly lines.

6) When the show doesn't take itself seriously, though, it is SUCH A DELIGHT. Bad Blood, the Dreamlands, Small Potatoes, etc -- all of those episodes are actually even better than I remembered and I didn't think that was possible. Apparently I could not overhype them to myself enough.

7) I have actually been thinking seriously about writing a Parks and Rec X-Files AU while I've been watching, with Leslie as the Mulder, because I am intrigued by the idea of a gender-swap there. So I've been imagining a lady getting to be as big an a-hole as Mulder often is, all brilliant and tortured and driven by the TRUTH, always vindicated, excused for all her nonsense, in a world where her male partner Ben Wyatt gets abducted and his sperm is taken and he gets cancer and the whole focus being on how sad this makes Leslie, the weight of the world on her shoulders, etc, and OH MAN, it is a weirdly satisfying, Mary-Sue-ish fantasy. Like, WAY more satisfying than I ever thought it would be. I can understand why men HAVE this fantasy and put it on TV so much, dude, it's awesome! You're the protagonist, you can be as big a dick as you want! Everything is about you! It's men who are reproductively violated, while you are just sad about how you couldn't save them! Ugh, it's kind of GREAT, I want to live there and roll around in it. You all should try it as a thought experiment, honestly, it is sort of revelatory.

All right, I'm going to use that last point to segue into a discussion of Parks and Rec from last week, because a week late is how I like my episode reactions:

The Treaty -- I think this episode was like the funniest one of the show ever, God, I laughed so hard. Also I find Leslie and Ben way sexier when they're yelling at each other -- I don't know what that says about me. I just want them to angry-bang at some point.

(Also I totally understand where Ben's coming from, but he's being kind of a dick with the mixed messages about whether they can be friends or not. I don't really get why he gets to set all the terms of the relationship -- like, when Leslie asks HIM out in Soulmates, he says no, but when he asks HER out in Road Trip, that's when they start dating. He breaks up with her, he says whether or not they can spend time together afterwards, etc, etc. Also she takes all the risks, with her career and otherwise -- I mean, she asked him out first, not knowing for sure if he liked her, whereas he didn't ask her out until after Ann had EXPLICITLY TOLD HIM that Leslie liked him. Oh, Ben Wyatt, you are no Gryffindor, bless your heart.)

Oh, also I REALLY liked Ann telling Chris off about their relationship. I find Ann kind of boring when she's being a pushover and not that passionate about anything, so I am really on board with this trend of her being excited about things, like fixing stuff with Ron, and her standing up for herself. (Hahaha, remember that time she finally yelled at April in Flu Season, and April's like, "That's the most I've ever liked Ann"? It was the most I've ever liked Ann too.)

ALSO now I desperately want a high school AU where Leslie and April are best friends, so there's that.

I've also been thinking lately about Leslie Knope and her flaws, since some random bloggers have been complaining that she's too saintly or something. (Which is so weird. She totally has TONS of flaws, it's just that the show doesn't think she deserves to be constantly put down for them, unlike how practically every other show on TV treats women. So maybe that's why it's confusing for people.)

I think what I love about Leslie and her flaws is that they are all, like, childlike flaws, in what is somehow a very appealing way -- she's impulsive and passionate and loses her temper very unself-critically. I feel like post-puberty so many women are socialized to not express negative emotions, or at least to be really... what is the word. Like, circumspect or careful about expressing them.

But the way Leslie Knope gets mad -- man, that is the way a little girl gets mad. She is totally not worried about whether her feelings are legitimate, or whether she's being unreasonable, or about anyone thinking she's a bitch. She just scrunches up her face and loses her shit, and threatens to waterboard a teenage boy, or declares war on the country of Peru, or knocks files out of Mark Brendanawicz's hands. I GUESS I'VE BEEN PRONOUNCING YOUR NAME WRONG ALL THESE YEARS, MARK BRENDANA-QUITS.

Basically I feel like Leslie Knope (and, honestly, a little bit Amy Poehler) are what would happen if a girl was allowed to get through puberty with her real self intact, instead of getting relentlessly socialized to be whatever an acceptable woman is supposed to be, and that is kind of great.

(Oh Poehler: "I like that age, where you’re not quite into boys yet and really think you can be an astronaut, a teacher, a doctor and a roller skater. That girl and I live in the same world.” MARRY ME.)

This is my Halloween costume.

annakovsky — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 21:38:51 GMT

Man, Yuletide nominations not being open yet is making me so antsy. What are you guys going to request/offer? I reread Wuthering Heights lately and I REALLY want really dark, fucked-up fic, because omg that book has some distressing sexual subtext, but I am wary of asking for anything from a stranger that requires archaic language and/or explicit porn, so I think I'm probably not going to actually request it. In the end my three requests are looking like Parks and Rec (Leslie/Ron), Party Down (Henry/Casey), and SNL RPF (Seth/Amy), which three fandoms make me look like a HUGE LESLIE/BEN SHIPPER so it's kind of funny that I am not actually asking for Leslie/Ben.

(Like ALL the fic in that fandom is Leslie/Ben, you guys, it's so boring and Jammy. I just want some multishipping! Also why is there not more Ben/April/Andy fic? The whole roommates thing is pinging all my buttons. FORCED TO BE ROOMMATES: BEST SHOULD-BE TROPE THERE IS.)

A weird little side-note on Leslie/Ben fic -- the fic is SO manpain centric, even though the show really is not, it's really odd. The funny thing is that because manpain always requires the pain to be SO WAY OVER THE TOP (your whole family was murdered! your sister was abducted by aliens and it was supposed to be you! etc!) because men are of course not allowed to be sad about things normal humans are sad about, it means that the fic somehow has to make Ben being sad over a breakup into something WAY MORE EPIC than it is. No one has ever loved the way he has loved! He loved Leslie so much more than she loved him! Oh, fandom, you're so predictable, never change. If there is not a hot straight white male protagonist with canonical manpain, we will find one of those people and shoehorn it in, because what, are we supposed to treat non-white-male emotions as somehow important? Pshaw!

Anyway, have some actual show reactions:

Up All Night: This show has been so delightful, and last night's episode was the best yet. Maya Rudolph should spend all her time with that baby, the way she talks to her is the cutest.

Community: I have really loved some episodes of the show this season (the Halloween episode! the one with all the timelines!) and really hated some (last week's atrocity). I feel like that show is at its best when it's doing interesting things with narrative and story that actually show something about the characters, and at its worst when it... focuses on Jeff and Pierce, haha. (Also, last week did Jeff really say that the only thing that gives a man's life meaning is raising a son? So... daughters can go fuck themselves, I guess? Jeff, you are the worst.) I also feel like I'm liking a lot of the characters less and less -- Troy and Abed are still glorious but everyone else, hoo boy. Shirley never gets storylines, Jeff is awful, Pierce is SUPER awful, and I like Britta and Annie but I feel like the show doesn't treat them very well and I'm sick of the romantic stories they get stuck in, sooooo yeah. Basically can we lose the white people, is what I'm saying, haha.

Parks and Recreation: I have so many feelings I don't even know where to start. EVERYTHING IS GREAT. I love the way they're handling Leslie and Ben's breakup, and I love the way that breakup isn't the center of the show either, and I love Leslie and Ron's marriage, and how they mix things up so different people interact, like Ron and Ann out of nowhere, and that Lucy came back to kiss Tom. And I love that April and Ann both had super unsexy costumes for Halloween, and everything about April and Andy and Ben living together, and basically I could go on listing great things forever. I just wish that Donna would get more storylines, and that they would just go ahead and write Chris off the show because I do not know what purpose he serves and his thing with Jerry's daughter is just awful. Though he was more tolerable this past week talking about reincarnation with the Zorp crowd.

Okay enough! I am so glad it's Thursday and there's new stuff tonight!

Same old story, different fandom.

annakovsky — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 20:01:16 GMT

Ugh, you guys, the Leslie-bashing is already starting in Parks and Rec fandom, and I feel so weary. She hasn't even broken up with Ben (yet? I'm unspoiled, keep me that way!), but I feel like if she does in season 4, the fandom is going to be a nightmare hellscape of misogyny, and it's upsetting to me. On my Murtaugh List: listening to sexist bullshit that seems to assume that any woman who cares about her career or even her own happiness over a dude is an uppity bitch. I am too old for that shit.

Ladies bashing ladies. When are we going to cool it on that, fandom?

(Haha, the best, most nonsensical bashing so far: I keep seeing people complain that because Leslie said, "If this turns into something real" to Ben after they had been dating a week, she is not taking the relationship with the appropriate level of seriousness. Lolololol you guys have met a human being before, right? EVEN IF SHE WAS MENTALLY PLANNING THEIR WEDDING, SHE WOULD SAY THAT SO AS NOT TO SEEM LIKE A WEIRDO. But no, try saying "When we get married" to someone you've been dating a week, see how that goes over.)

(All the Leslie-bashing from Ben's POV is starting to make me hate Ben, so I think I'm going to have to, like, quit reading fic/watching leslie_ben/following some tumblrs. Otherwise I am totally going to end up writing spitefic where Leslie breaks up with Ben for Ron.)

(Which, honestly, I have been really in the mood for Leslie/Ron fic lately anyway. Whyyy is there not more, they're so married! Blatant mustache discrimination.)

But whatever, the season 3 DVDs came out yesterday! Delightful things from the stuff I've watched so far:

1) The gag reel's revelation that Adam Scott clearly hates Rob Lowe's guts, and that Nick Offerman probably does too. (Offerman is harder to read, but omg, Adam, are you even trying to hide your irritation??) This makes me like both of them SO MUCH MORE THAN I ALREADY DID, Rob Lowe, you are such a jag, I wish you would get out of this otherwise delightful cast.

2) Mike Schur said that he's been friends with Rashida Jones since 1993. THAT WAS THEIR FRESHMAN YEAR AT COLLEGE. OH MY GOD, THAT IS AMAZING. I want weird Harvard RPF of them now where she's way out of his league but he has a huge crush on her, and they listen to Neutral Milk Hotel and go to Lamont together and complain about fires on the red line. Also now I am wondering if this is how Poehler knows Rashida, since Schur wrote for SNL and produced Weekend Update, etc. That is adorable and delightful.

3) Ugh also the commentaries and gag reel totally made me ship Amy Poehler/Adam Scott a little bit. What's next, am I going to write JKras/Jenna Fischer fic, ugh wretchery.

4) Pratt getting a boner when Aubrey slapped him omg. Haha, I don't know if he was in character, but it kind of seemed like not? EITHER WAY, I AM CHOOSING TO BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED FOR REAL, WHATEVER.

5) Adam Scott trying to think of a name for a hot club and coming up with RASCALS. I am still laughing today. Nerdddddddddd.

6) Also other stuff, but I feel like this is getting boring.

Okay, enough fandom stuff for now. In other news, I dyed my hair blond, bought tickets to visit my brothers in Seattle later this month, and am trying to deal with my depression over the 40 degree drop in temperature and constant rain this week. I hate when summer ends.

FIC: The Thing About Youth Culture (Parks and Rec, Ben/April/Andy)

annakovsky — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 17:41:34 GMT

Title: The Thing About Youth Culture
Fandom: Parks and Recreation
Pairing: Ben Wyatt/April Ludgate/Andy Dwyer
Rating: NC-17
Length: 4875 words
Summary: Leslie dumps Ben to run for City Council and April and Andy cheer him up.
Author's Notes: Written for nbckink, for the prompt, "Ben/April/Andy, double penetration." Soooooo yeah.

**

April knows what's going on right away -- it's not like it takes a rocket scientist to figure it out. Ben thinks he's being super sneaky, but he told Andy that he likes Leslie, which Andy obviously told April immediately, and then like a week later Ben is suddenly super happy and mooning around the house whenever he's there, which isn't often, because he's gone, like, five nights out of six, just coming home to get fresh clothes. And at work Leslie's all happy and gross too and they both keep disappearing for hours during the work day, and, like, April's not an idiot, okay?

"Babe, how long should I microwave this oatmeal for?" Andy says one morning when they wake up and Ben's not there, as usual.

"I don't know, what does it say on the package?" April says, eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch out of one of the stupid bowls Ben made them buy. It tasted better out of a frisbee, but whatever. "Also, hey, how long do you think Ben's been fucking Leslie?"

Andy chokes on the terrible coffee April made -- she can never seem to get it to work without, like, grinds floating around in it. "Come on," he says once he stops sputtering. "Ben's not..." but he trails off, brain finally engaging. April waits for him to get there. "Oh my God," Andy says a minute later. "Ben's totally fucking Leslie."

"Yeah, for, like, weeks," April says. "It's super disgusting."

So it's not like April doesn't notice a few weeks later when Leslie dumps Ben. Not that she or Andy knows why it happens, but suddenly Ben comes down with some mysterious "illness" that means he can't go to work for days, even though his symptoms mostly seem to be sitting around looking sad. He lies on the couch all day with dark circles under his eyes, watching Judge Judy and -- whenever April walks into the room -- pretending that he hasn't been crying. He doesn't leave the house anymore either, no sleepovers, no nothing. It's kind of hilarious at first, and then it starts bumming April out.

"I feel like Ben's going to kill himself," April says to Andy while he's playing Xbox. Ben is showering for the first time in forever. "One day we're going to come home and his body will be, like, dangling from the ceiling fan."

"Ewwwwwwwwwww," Andy says, but enjoying the gross-out, like when she's chewing her lunch and opens her mouth to show it to him. But after a second he sobers up suddenly. "Wait, that's totally not funny. He might actually do that. He is super depressed or whatever."

"Yeah," April says. "I think we should cheer him up."

So April ends up blowing Ben. It's not that big a deal. Andy's right there in the room with them, and it's not like he cares -- it would suck for both of them if Ben killed himself, so it's, like, a public service. Plus Andy thinks it's hot. He gets all hard watching them, even though he pretends he doesn't, and afterwards April takes him back into their bedroom and crawls on top of him, already super wet from Ben's cock in her mouth. It's pretty much a fulfilling experience for everyone involved, since April's super good at blowjobs. She and stupid gay Ben used to have contests to see who could suck Derek off the fastest.

And it cheers non-gay Ben up for a little bit, so he manages to go in to work the next day, but it turns out work is a major setback. That night he looks worse than he has since the secret breakup presumably happened, all pale and drawn, and it really is making April super nervous.

"Why did Leslie dump you?" April asks, sitting on the couch next to Ben. He's watching Andy play video games, but he looks like he's staring through the TV set. Which makes sense since there's nothing more boring than watching someone else play video games.

Ben jumps and looks panicky. "Leslie didn't -- we weren't -- I don't know what you're talking --" he starts, but when April just stares at him he abruptly gives up on the denial. He sighs and slumps back against the couch. "Whatever. Okay. Who cares. Yeah, she dumped me. It's, uh... we're not allowed to date coworkers. And she's running for City Council now."

"Oh," April says. She pulls her feet up to sit cross-legged on the couch, turning so she can stare at Ben. "That's a dumb rule."

"Yeah," Ben says. "It is." He's still staring at the television, where Andy is jumping on some koopas.

"You want another blowjob?" April says.

Ben winces, rubbing his forehead. "No," he says. "Thanks, though."

"You liked the other one," April says. "And you look worse today."

"Yeah, well," Ben mutters. "Seeing her was... not fun."

April stares at him for a full minute without saying anything, trying to assess whether he looks like they should hide the razor blades. Ben starts shifting irritably after awhile, even though he's looking at the TV and not at her. "Are you going to kill yourself?" April says.

"What?" Ben says. He looks at her like she's crazy. "Jesus. No."

"Okay, well," April says. "Whatever. You're on suicide watch. You're not allowed to be alone."

Ben rolls his eyes and laughs a little. "Um, okay. Are you going to take my belt away, too?" Oh, that's a good idea, actually. When he sees the look on her face, he says, "You're not taking my belt!" God, he's so bossy. He's the bossiest roommate she's ever had.

Bossy or not, she enforces the never-alone thing. If he's not going to take a blowjob to cheer him up, he's just going to have to be observed at all times. Her friend Evangeline killed herself, okay, it's not cool. So she drags Ben along to sleep on the futon with her and Andy, even though Ben's grumbling the whole time.

"Shut up," she says, pulling the comforter up over all of them. The futon is wider than Ben's bed, so they all fit better, but it's still pretty tight, her smashed between Ben and Andy. It's nice, actually. She and the other Ben and Derek used to sleep like this, limbs tangled together. And this Ben turns out to be kind of cuddly sleeper -- she thinks he must've been lonely, all these nights without Leslie.

**

April wakes up to Andy pressing his erection against her back. Someday that'll probably be annoying, but these days it stupidly turns her on, that Andy wants her that much every single morning. She rolls over to look at his bleary face and smiles at him. "Morning," Andy says. His eyes are barely open, and she pulls him on top of her happily, the same way they've done it every morning since the wedding. They just get their pajama pants down far enough to get at their junk, and he slides into her easily, her already wet for him, sleepy morning sex without kissing, because she hasn't brushed her teeth yet and that's gross. Andy's rocking inside her gently, and she's moving her hips against his, and it's slow and drowsy and awesome, and she loves him so much.

"Oh my God," Ben says from the other side of her. "Are you guys seriously having sex right now?" He sounds really sleepy and out of it and also horrified, and oh fuck, Ben is still here. She forgot.

"Whoops," she says.

"God," Andy says, stopping moving for a second. April makes a whiney whimper, but he ignores her, holding totally still. April feels like she's going to explode. "Sorry, dude, I forgot you were there."

When April looks over, Ben's rubbing his forehead, hair sticking out every which way, and he's definitely not totally awake yet either, eyes half-shut. "Oh, good," he says. "That's normal." But he yawns in the middle of the sentence, so it doesn't sound as sarcastic as he would usually make that.

Andy starts moving inside her again, which is a good thing, because April was about to lose it. "Man, I'm so sorry, but we can't stop," Andy says, panting for breath. "It'll just be a second."

"Great," Ben says. "Fantastic." He sounds like he wants to kill both of them.

April rolls her eyes at him. "Whatever," she says breathlessly as Andy starts to move inside her faster. Ben's face is weirdly close to hers, just on the next pillow. "It's not like you're involved. It could be way weirder."

"Oh, really," Ben says, totally not making eye-contact, like it's too embarrassing, and she expects him to get up -- he starts to, lifting his head off the pillow, but then he yawns again and rubs at his eyes, dropping his head back down. He looks exhausted and off-guard, all his normal sharpness relaxed and vulnerable.

"Yeah, you could be helping me get off," she says, and jokingly grabs his hand, pulling it toward her and Andy.

She moves slow enough that Ben could get away if he wanted -- she's mostly kidding around, obviously, and she really expects him to jerk away. But he doesn't, and then she can't back down once she's started. Ben mutters, "Jesus," and stares at her like he's mesmerized, letting her move his hand between her and Andy's bodies to press against her clit.

He looks vaguely like he thinks he might be dreaming, eyes wide and turned on. He's got to be able to feel how wet she is, how their fingers are grazing Andy's cock as it shoves into her, and God, that feels amazing. She can't believe she's actually doing this, his fingers big and warm against her. She presses them down harder and between that and Andy fucking her, she comes in like five seconds, her breath catching, only letting one little noise out. Ben's watching her. Her face feels hot.

"Oh, man," Andy mutters, and fucks her faster, his movements getting stuttery as he starts to come inside her, making that stupid contorted face he makes when he does, and she can't help smiling at him. He slumps on top of her, lazy comforting dead weight, and beside them, April can see that Ben's hard. She lets go of Ben's hand and he pulls it back dazedly, looking at his slick fingers like he can't believe that just happened.

Andy props himself up again, looking down at her. "Hon," he says. "Awesome as usual. You are the best at sex stuff." He puts up his hand for a high-five and she slaps it, trying not to smile. Andy kisses her loudly on the cheek and rolls off her, and beside them, Ben is still staring at his hand.

"Andy," April says. "Ben's hard."

"Oh yeah?" Andy says, lying on his back, still catching his breath. "You should help him out with that, sweetheart. He's all depressed and stuff."

"Um," Ben says, but April's already rolling toward him, reaching for his crotch.

"C'mon, Ben," April says, rubbing her hand against his cock through the fabric of his sweats. "You'll feel better after."

Probably a few months ago, Ben wouldn't have done this, but now he looks defeated and lonely, and when April moves her hand on his cock again, he closes his eyes, and the circles under them look darker than usual. April wonders if he's been sleeping.

"Okay," he mumbles, and April tucks the waistband of his pajamas down just far enough to get his cock out. It's nice, short and fat, hot in her hand, and she thinks for a second about whether she just wants to jerk him off, or go down on him again, and then she's just already so wet and stretched that she suddenly decides to take it further, sliding one leg over his hips and slipping him inside her easily. She knows he can feel that she's already slick with Andy's come, and Ben's eyes go wide, feeling her tight and hot around him, so wet he slides all the way in in one movement.

"April," Ben says, breathless, and she starts to move on him slowly, the same easy, sleepy sex she just had with Andy. She glances over to see her husband watching, eyes half-lidded, looking like he's going to fall asleep again. They're all going to be late for work.

Ben comes with a soft, sad noise, and they all ride in to the office together and none of them talk about it. Andy sings them the new song he's writing. Ben doesn't say much of anything.

**

They keep doing stuff the three of them after that, even though they never exactly discuss it. Ben sleeps in their bed, and April thinks he seems relieved not to have to go in his sad empty room by himself at night. He sleeps with his head nuzzled up against the back of her neck, and he seems like he's getting through the days better.

And the sex is super hot. Ben's really good at it, probably because he's all old and stuff. He goes down on her for ages, and can fuck her for way longer than Andy can, and sometimes he and Andy get all competitive about it and April ends up exhausted and fucked out and sore and it's the best thing that's ever happened to her. It's weird to be with two guys who are more into her than they are into each other.

One night Ben's out at some community forum thing, and so April and Andy have a date night, which means cuddling up on the couch and putting on some super dirty porn, which Ben doesn't usually let them watch in the living room anymore. They make fun of the fake sex noises, and talk about which positions they should try, and April jerks Andy off and then Andy fingers her enthusiastically, hand stretching out her underwear. The girl in the porn sucks one dude off, then fucks another one for awhile, then fucks the first one again, and then both dudes fuck her at once, one in the ass and one in the vag. April comes hard around Andy's fingers right as the cock goes in the girl's butt.

"Fuck," she says, gasping, watching the girl's asshole get stretched out, watching her take two cocks at once. "Um, we should try that."

**

April's on top of Ben, moving her hips slowly as Andy kisses the back of her neck. Ben looks overwhelmed whenever she rides him like this, which always makes her feel kind of smug, and he's got a hand on her boob, rolling her nipple between his fingers. She has learned from this whole thing that Ben likes boobs, like, a lot. He's always touching hers. She's got one of her hands braced on his chest, and out of the corner of her eye she can see Andy going for the lube, just like they planned.

Ben sees Andy moving and turns his head casually to look, but when he sees the lube he does an actual double take. It's pretty hilarious. If he were a cartoon character his eyes would be bugging out of his head. "Whoa," he says, putting a hand up. "What is -- what are you doing?"

"We," Andy says, his voice with that over-precision it gets when he's saying something fancy, "are going to try some DP action. Right, babe?"

"Yep," April says.

Ben turns his freaked-out look on her. "Um... are you, um, sure you want to do that?"

Why wouldn't she want to? She stares at him. "Yeah," she says. "Why?"

She's not moving anymore, and Ben squirms underneath her for a second before he tries to hold still, attempting to maintain his dignity. "Um, because it seems like it would hurt?"

"Oh no," Andy says, getting his fingers all lubed up. "Don't worry. We researched it. On the internet."

"Oh, well, if you researched it on the internet," Ben says in that mean dry tone he has, and April pinches his arm, hard. "Ow!" Ben says, twisting in this way that pushes his cock farther into her. April lets out this really embarrassing moan before she can stop herself, and Ben smirks before he can stop himself.

"Okay, babe," Andy says, totally ignoring them and putting one hand on her back. "Like, lean forward."

April shifts, planting both hands on Ben's chest and leaning down into him, so her breasts brush the little bit of wiry chest hair he has. Ben still looks dubious, but he's moved his hands to her hips, and he's still rocking into her gently, just slow, easy strokes. His dumb vanilla face, all nervous about doing stuff like this, she can't stand it. He probably thinks he's so edgy for even having a threeway. She kisses the corner of his mouth and he looks startled, but then kisses her back. She guesses the two of them don't kiss that much.

Andy's slick finger starts circling her asshole, and God, she didn't know that could be so weirdly sexy. She's getting even more turned on, aware of that whole area, and Andy keeps pressing the tip in just a little, then going back to circling, teasing her, and God, it feels strange and good. After the third time he does it, she pulls back from kissing Ben and says, "Andy, Godddddddd."

Andy laughs and says, "Okay, okay, here it goes," and then he's pressing his finger in for real. It feels super weird at first, and doesn't want to go in, but then she makes herself relax the way they read about, and it slides right in, all slick and easy. And God, it feels so weird with Ben in there too, like Andy's fingers and Ben's cock are right up against each other, so much more pressure inside.

"Oh fuck," Ben says, and he's breathing super hard and looks really freaked out.

"Can you feel that?" April says, moving down on his cock and Andy's finger both at the same time, and Ben's eyes widen even more.

"Um, uh huh," he says, like he's trying to act normal when he doesn't feel normal at all, and God, he's such a dork. Andy moves his finger inside April, so it's like he's stroking down Ben's cock inside her, through the flesh separating them, and it makes her and Ben both wiggle, startled and turned on, and geez, she feels so full and wet, Andy fingering her like this while Ben fucks her.

"Is that okay?" Andy says, rubbing her back at the same time as he starts to finger-fuck her ass slowly, and God, it feels good.

"Y-yeah," she says, trying not to let on how amazing it is, and Andy kisses her shoulder.

After a little bit, the one finger doesn't feel so huge anymore, and Andy starts to work a second finger in, stretching her out. It feels so much bigger, Andy's long fingers, and she shivers as he does it, spreading her legs a little wider and trying to relax.

"You okay?" Ben says. He reaches up a hand and brushes hair back from her face, and he looks really worried about her. He's got to be able to feel Andy's fingers, how much that is with his cock taking up all the room, and she feels so tiny pressed between the two of them.

"Yeah, totally," April says, and her voice only shakes a little. "I can take it."

"You're doing so good, babe," Andy says, and presses his fingers in deep, so she gasps. Ben keeps stroking her temple with his thumb, trying to relax her. She can't concentrate on anything but how it all feels, Ben holding still now but his cock huge and thick inside her, Andy's fingers making both of them shift every time he presses them in.

Andy keeps fingering her, being really careful getting her ready, but after awhile she's just frustrated, so turned on, wanting to get on with it. She finally says, "Andy, Andy, c'mon," and Andy takes a breath in.

"You sure?" he says.

"Um, yeah?" she says, a little sharper than she means to, but God, just, she needs him to put his cock in, she's going crazy here.

When she glances back at him, Andy grins suddenly, looking really happy. "Yeah, okay, all right," he says, like a big puppy dog, and he goes to work his fingers out. She turns back to kiss Ben just to distract herself, and he starts fondling her boob again, which is another good distraction. She feels so weirdly empty as Andy's fingers pull out, her asshole all stretched and pornographic feeling, and then she can hear slick noises as Andy lubes up his cock.

"Jesus," Ben mutters underneath her, and she tries not to smile at him. It looks like this is totally blowing his mind, which is pretty satisfying, all things considered. It makes her feel more in control to see Ben so alarmed, since it means at least someone here is more freaked out than she is.

Andy crawls around behind her, bracing himself with a hand on her back and positioning himself so his cock can get into her. April looks down between her legs really fast and can see Ben's cock stretching her out, and a flash of Andy's behind her, and just, it's still weird to be doing this -- even though they've all three done a lot of stuff together, they've never done anything this intense. The head of Andy's cock nudges against her asshole, where it's soft and stretched now, and the tip catches, spreading her open. It's bigger than his fingers, sort of terrifying to feel, and April takes a sharp breath in without meaning to.

Ben looks worried again, staring up at her. "Are you sure you want to do this?" he says.

"Shut up," April says, and drops her forehead down to his shoulder, not wanting him to look at her anymore. Andy hasn't even really started to press in yet and it's already overwhelming, but God, she wants to do this.

Ben kisses the side of her head, and Andy rubs the small of her back, and then he starts to push forward, and God, it's so much. She tries to breathe evenly, relax, and it's okay, she can do it. Ben kisses her temple again and then nudges her face up so their foreheads are pressed together, kissing her gently and keeping his hand on the back of her neck. "You okay?" he says, and she nods, not quite sure she trusts her voice not to shake all over the place. "You're brave," he says, soft, like he means it, and Andy presses forward a little more, stretching her out.

She can feel both their cocks inside her, throbbing, rubbing together with barely anything between them, and she knows they have to be able to feel each other, and God, that's so weird. Usually when they're doing stuff Ben and Andy don't really touch each other -- sometimes April will goad them into making out, but not even that often. But right now they both seem so turned on, and their cocks are almost touching and rubbing inside her, and God, this is so gay.

Andy keeps pressing in, and jeez, when did his cock get so big? She swears it's never felt this long before, but it keeps going deeper and she has to squirm around, trying to get comfortable. As she moves, Ben makes a little noise, and then he presses his hand against her clit, starting to rub it gently. And oh God, that feels crazy with both of them inside her, turns her on so much, and makes her relax so Andy can push another inch inside, impaling her deep. She can't believe she has two cocks inside her right now, that they both fit in there, that she's taking all that. She breathes carefully, trying to stay relaxed, then finally, finally, with one more push Andy's all the way in, pressed against her back, and he and Ben are both holding still and it's so intense.

"Okay?" Andy says, and now his voice sounds shaky, and she wonders what it feels like for him, if the pressure is crazy good, how tight it is, how Ben's right there.

She's so turned on, full and wet and open, just wanting them to move. "Yeah," she says, and shifts her hips experimentally so both their cocks slide a little out of her, then back in, and they both make weird desperate noises and fuck, that feels so odd. "You can, um," she says, doing it again. "Move."

Since Ben's under both of them, he can't fuck into her very well, so it's mostly Andy who does, moving out slowly and carefully and then pressing back in faster, so it slides April along Ben's cock too, like Andy's fucking Ben by proxy. As they go Andy starts to get more into the groove of it, picking up the pace, and underneath her, Ben's face is red and he's breathing hard, his body pressed against April's, their faces close together.

"Andy's fucking us good, huh?" April says to him, dirty and quiet.

Ben looks shocked, her whispering stuff like that in his ear. "Jesus," he mutters, eyes wide, and his cock twitches inside her, getting harder, and God, one of these days she's going to get Andy to fuck him for real, that would be so hot. He looks completely undone right now, but he's still managing to rub her clit just the way she likes, and really, he's taken to all this pretty well for someone who's always so buttoned up.

She has to drop her head back to Ben's shoulder, closing her eyes and focusing on her body, how crazy this feels, how Andy's fucking her relentlessly, bumping her along Ben's cock and into Ben's fingers, their two cocks pressing against each other inside her, and God, she's getting so close. She moans and tries to move so Ben's cock is hitting that one good spot inside her, so Andy's shoving her into it, and then she gets it just right and oh God. She makes a totally embarrassing noise, and her whole body is blushing, and she feels so keyed up and overwhelmed.

"You gonna come for us?" Ben says, his voice low, and her eyes fly open, because Ben hardly ever says anything like that. He looks like he barely knows he's saying it, like he's totally lost track of himself. "Come on, April," he says, looking up at her all intense, staring right into her eyes. "You can do it."

She can't look away from him, totally caught up, and he grinds the palm of his hand against her, and suddenly she's coming harder than she ever has, shuddering around the two of them, the ripples of it feeling even stronger than usual with both of them inside her. "Fuck," she mutters shakily as she does, her breath catching, and Ben looks ridiculously pleased with himself. Andy keeps thrusting through it, groaning and making the desperate little noises he makes when he's about to come too, and they're all so close to each other, Ben looking up at April like she's amazing, Andy's cock pistoning in and out of her, fucking through her orgasm. Andy starts coming after just a few more thrusts, and underneath her Ben has that dumb open expression on his face that he gets when he's about to go over the edge, and April leans down to kiss him, still clenching around his cock as Andy comes in her ass. When she kisses him Ben shoves his hips forward involuntarily and comes too, making a stupid helpless noise into her mouth, and she's in the middle of all of it, sweaty and overwhelmed, Andy kissing her shoulders and the back of her neck.

It takes them awhile to come down from it, lying in a hot sticky pile, unable to move, their breathing loud in the quiet room. "Oh my God, babe," Andy says eventually. His voice is all raw and he has to clear his throat. "Oh my God, um, yeah."

He shifts, pulling his cock out of her so he can flop down beside them, draping his arm over his eyes. April's still collapsed on Ben's chest, and Ben's got his eyes closed, softening inside her. April turns her head so her cheek is resting against Ben's shoulder and she's looking at Andy. "Yeah, um, that was okay," she says, and under her cheek Ben laughs, an I-can't-believe-that-happened-and-also-it-was-more-than-okay laugh. He actually laughs that laugh kind of a lot lately.

"Shut up," April says, hitting Ben's arm halfheartedly, and wanting to close her eyes, feeling drowsy. Beside her, it looks like Andy's already on the verge of falling asleep.

"I didn't say anything," Ben says, and yawns, and she tucks her face into his neck. She must go to sleep after that because it's the last thing she remembers.

**
END

FIC: Only Married on TV (SNL RPF, Seth/Amy)

annakovsky — Tue, 31 May 2011 18:55:32 GMT

Wrote this for the NBC kink meme; de-anoning to re-post here because it's like the least kinky thing I've written in three years.*

* Probably not actually true, but sadly REALLY REALLY CLOSE to true.

Title: Only Married on TV
Fandom: Saturday Night Live RPF
Pairing: Amy Poehler/Seth Meyers
Rating: NC-17
Length: 2600 words
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction.
Summary: Every day he curses his stupid luck that Will's the tall skinny videogame-playing dork who got to her first.
Author's Notes: Written for nbckink, for the prompt, "Seth Meyers/Amy Poehler, past!sex. Another use for his Update necktie, since it's always all disheveled anyway. (Bonus points for office sex and bossy!Amy.)"

**

He's had a crush on her since the first moment he saw her, and since the first moment she saw him, she's thought of him like a brother. Story of his life. And he's even her type -- every day he curses his stupid luck that Will's the tall skinny videogame-playing dork who got to her first. He's convinced that somewhere there's an alternate universe where he's the one who's married to her, and Will's the loser dating a succession of women who always seem to disappoint him.

Conan needed a guest at the last minute, so Seth threw a jacket and tie on over his jeans and work sneakers and ran down to help out. Now it's three in the morning and he's still wearing the tie, mostly because he's too lazy to take it off, though he at least ditched the jacket and rolled up his shirt-sleeves. He and Amy are holed up in his office working on Update, and it's the stage of the evening where they're sitting on the floor with the remains of Chinese food scattered around them, Amy's head resting on her fist as she shuffles headlines in front of her.

"You know what's funny about terrorism?" Amy says, frowning at the articles.

"Nothing," Seth says absently, trying to think of a joke about Homeland Security warning levels that isn't too played out.

"Nothing," Amy agrees. It's a comforting exchange, old habit, the way they've settled into each other over the years.

The first time she kissed him, he thought she was doing a bit. They had been fake making out for awhile, smashing their faces together when Hilary Swank hosted, him throwing her down on a table to fake-ravish her. Amy thought it was super hilarious and Seth... um, also thought it was super hilarious. So when Amy started to lean into him on another three am night, when the building was darkish and empty-ish like this and it was just him and her in his office, he was already trying not to break, cheek muscles tight from trying not to smile. When the kiss was soft and she opened her mouth, at first he thought she was just going farther with the bit, like, haha, wouldn't it be funny if we made out for real. It took him a good 30 seconds to realize she was actually kissing him. When he admitted that to her weeks later, she laughed at him for like an hour.

Not that they do stuff all the time. Just when she's stressed out and needs to relieve the tension.

She's stressed out tonight, forehead furrowed, shooting down all his joke ideas.

"What about this one?" he says, holding up one article they've been looking at. "With the punchline, 'Because Kevin Federline is, first and foremost, a scientist.'"

Amy groans, slumping back against the side of his desk theatrically. "Seth," she says. "C'mon. A Federline joke? You're better than that."

"Uh, first of all, I am not," he says. "Where'd you get that idea? Second of all, it'll work, so whatever."

"Who cares if it works? It's so lazy," she says. "No. Next."

"God, you next, if you're going to be like that," he says.

"Se-eth," she whines, lolling her head back against the desk, feet splayed in front of her in her Converse sneakers. "It's late and I'm tired and cranky."

He knows what she's really saying she wants, but he's not going to give her the satisfaction of initiating anything when she's just hinting around. If she needs to get off, that's her business. He needs to stop this whole thing with her anyway -- it's slowly ruining his life, how he's stupidly in love with her and always has been and can't disentangle himself. He thought sleeping with her would maybe help get her out of his system, but it turns out that is the dumbest thought he's ever had.

Not that she knows he's in love with her -- if she did, she'd probably stop this herself. Which is one reason he never tells her.

"That's too bad," he says, jotting down his Federline joke and turning back to the papers in front of him.

"Se-eth," she says again, kicking her foot at him, but when he doesn't react, she sits up, leaning forward. When he still ignores her, she finally grabs him by the tie. "Meyers," she says, her voice lower and mock-serious. "Get over here."

He shakes his head at her, but he's already trying not to smile. "You're not the boss of me," he says as she pulls him in, their faces getting close.

"Since when?" she says. She's smiling, already cheering up, and she kisses him wet and dirty, her hand coming up to cup the back of his neck. He breathes in through his nose and kisses her back, sighing as she climbs into his lap like a spider monkey, all scrawny arms and legs. She tugs on his tie. "Why are you still wearing this?" she says as he starts to kiss down her jaw. "You look like a loser."

"I look classy," he says against her skin as she starts to undo the knot. "You look like you're 12." She's wearing a t-shirt with Rainbow Brite on it. He doesn't know if it's supposed to be ironic or nostalgic or if someone just gave it to her as a joke. Maybe all those things at once. He slides a hand up under the fabric, touching the bare skin of her back, then moving around to her stomach, toward her breasts.

"If I look 12, what does that make you?" she says, laughing as he feels her up, and tugs his now-undone tie out from his collar. "Unhand me, pervert," she says, pulling his hands out in front of him, and then she's tying his wrists together with his own tie before he quite knows what's happening.

"Hey!" he says, but doesn't really try to pull away. "What are you doing?" Her fingers are quick, tying him up nimble and efficient.

"Showing I'm the boss of you," she says, and leans in again, nipping at his earlobe and pressing his arms back and to the right. He squirms away, laughing a little helplessly at the feel of her teeth, and when she pulls back he's tied to the radiator. Hey, what the fuck?

"Amy," he says, but now she's unbuttoning his shirt, baring his chest, and seriously, what is she doing? "Poehls!"

"Say that I'm the boss of you," she says, grinning up at him, then leaning in to lick his collarbone. Every time she moves, her body grinds against his cock, and he's getting so weirdly turned on, it's really disturbing.

"Uh, I think right now you're more a hostage-taker than a boss," he says. "Seriously, the radiator?"

"Ve vill make you talk," Amy says, in the worst Russian accent he's ever heard, then licks over his nipple in a way that makes him squirm.

"Fuck," he gasps out. "That is a terrible accent. You're a professional impressionist, that's a disgrace."

She laughs really hard -- that's always his favorite thing about her, how even though she's a comedian she still laughs really hard at other people's jokes -- and starts undoing the fly on his jeans, her hand grazing his cock. He groans and moves to grab her hips, but his hands come up short because, oh, yeah, he's tied to the radiator. Fuck, he wants to touch her, this is ridiculous. He sucks in a breath through his teeth as she gets his cock out, and she runs her hand up it briskly, smirking at him and watching how his hips jerk forward into her grip.

"Admit it, Meyers," she says. "I own your ass."

She's flushed and beautiful, yellow hair falling over her shoulders, looking at him with bright eyes, and God, he's in love with her. He swallows and tilts his head, trying to smile. "You own my ass," he says, but it comes out a little quieter than he means it to.

Amy's smile falters for a second, like it sounded a little too real to her too, but after a second she blinks it away, running her thumb over the head of his dick. "That's 'cause I'm the boss of you," she says. "Which makes sense, since I have seniority."

Seth snorts, trying to keep his composure as she strokes his cock once more, then goes for her own fly. "Uh, we had the same first show," he says.

She laughs. "No, I meant Update seniority!" she says, all chipper, because she loves pointing this out. "Because remember that time that we both auditioned to do it with Tina and I totally kicked your ass?"

He shakes his head at her, trying to stay stern, but she's wiggling around so much trying to get her jeans down that she keeps brushing his cock and distracting him, these little touches that are driving him crazy. "Dammit, Poehler," he says, but it comes out all laugh-y, the way it always does.

She's getting tangled up in her jeans, trying to work them just far enough down her hips, but they're getting caught around her knees, and she's obviously getting frustrated with it. "You know," Seth says, after watching her for a second, getting more and more annoyed about how he can't help speed this along because his hands are literally tied. "This would be much easier if you were wearing a skirt."

She flips him the bird. "Fuck you, buddy!" she says cheerfully, then finally wrenches her jeans down and climbs back on top of him, her knees on either side of his hips. He goes to touch her again, and gets pulled up short again by the tie, and this time she sees it and laughs, leaning in to kiss him. "Like I said, I own your ass," she says, the last word getting muffled in his mouth, and God, she really does. His stomach flips over as she touches him, hands slipping over his chest down his bare sides, inside his shirt, and she's still almost fully dressed, so he feels like she has the advantage even more.

She reaches down for his cock, slipping it in between her legs, and then she's sinking down onto him with no preamble, already wet and ready, and Seth groans, trying to press forward to kiss her harder, but held up again by the tie, and finally he just gives in to the stupid helplessness of it, embracing the feeling. When she pulls back from kissing him, he drops his head back to the wall behind him, letting it rest there, just watching her, letting her do what she wants to him.

It's weird to see her have sex for real, even now, after they've done this so much. For so many years he just saw her do, like, comedy sex at improv, all exaggerated, funny porn star moves, so he keeps expecting it to turn into that somehow, all a big joke. It's always strange when it stays serious and focused, her starting to fuck herself slowly on his cock, long, drawn out strokes, kissing him with her fingertips resting on his face and his chest. She's wet and hot and tight around him, not joking at all, and he loves the way her face goes slack and sweet when she does this, looking at him and biting her lip, flush spreading down to her chest, at least where he can see above the neck of her t-shirt.

He starts rocking his hips up to meet her, picking up the pace the way she likes, and she moves a hand down to rub her clit, getting herself off, confident and unselfconscious. "Fuck," he mutters, watching her, and she mock-glares at him.

"Don't you dare come yet, Seth Meyers," she says, slowing down her movements until they're languid and torturing him, her hips grinding against his.

He laughs. "Yes, ma'am," he says, through gasping breaths, and she keeps riding him, all selfish, just focused on getting herself off on his dick, and it's the hottest thing he's ever seen.

From the noises she's making, it sounds like she's getting close, and she picks up the pace again, fucking down on him at one angle over and over, rubbing hard against him, and God, he's not going to last much longer. She lifts off higher than she has been and shoves herself down harder and he groans, because, just, fuck. She smiles and looks him in the eye and says, "Okay, Seth, okay, do you want to try to come together?" It's a game they play, romance novel orgasm, trying to synchronize, and Amy thinks it's hilarious.

"Let's do this," Seth says, rocking his hips up into her, getting his game face on, and she laughs.

"Okay," she says, still rocking on his cock, gasping for breath in between strokes. "I'm almost -- just, like, a few more, okay, are you almost --"

"Yeah," Seth says. "Count it down."

"Okay," Amy says, squeezing him hard inside so he gasps and almost loses it right then. She must see it in his face because she says, "Dammit, Seth, focus!"

"Right!" Seth says, barely getting himself back under control, pressing back up into her. It feels so weird to fuck her with no hands, just use his body, her hands roaming all over him and him not able to touch her back.

"All right," she says, rubbing her clit again, speeding up even more. "Five... four...."

He speeds up his movements to try to get there, but he totally misjudges, and God, she's so hot and wet and tight, and as she says three, he mutters, "Fuck," and starts coming, jerking up into her, totally losing his rhythm.

"Seth!" Amy says, laughing and hitting his arm, and she starts moving fast as he shoots off, trying to catch up to him. "Two-one!" she says fast, and then she's coming too, shuddering around him, but laughing through it, and God, she's like if sunshine were a person, he can't stand it. "Seth, get the fuck out of here!" she says, her breathing still ragged, her hips still moving on him as she finishes. "You ruined it!"

He leans forward and manages to kiss her, catch the corner of her mouth sloppily even with his hands wrenched to the side. "Sorry," he says, laughing too. "We'll get it next time."

"Yeah, we better," she grumbles, but she leans her head forward to butt against the bare skin of his collarbone, curling her body into him, small and warm. He wishes he could wrap his arms around her, but he has to settle for resting his chin on her head, letting her tuck her face into his neck. His arms are starting to hurt, held at this angle, and he should ask her to untie him, but he doesn't want her to move yet. He doesn't get a lot of moments like this -- he has to stretch out every one he can get, savor the feeling of her skin against his, listening to her breathing slow down and even out. He kisses the top of her head, smells her hair, and thinks that in another universe, he gets to feel this every night. He hopes the version of him that's there appreciates it.

**
END

Sorry I squeezed your lights out, there, son.

annakovsky — Mon, 16 May 2011 17:49:51 GMT

You guys, some glorious person started an NBC kink meme, nbckink -- the first post is up here. There are tons of amazing Parks prompts, along with other NBC shows like Community and 30 Rock and, hilariously, SVU (plus older stuff like Friends and Seinfeld!). You should all go there and write stuff, especially rare Parks pairings, because there are some GREAT prompts for things like Ben/April (which is a ship I am really into, but I didn't think anybody else would be) and Ron/Leslie and Ben/Chris and April/Ann, as well as the expected million for Ben/Leslie (which would also be great to fill!). PLUS there are some really good SNL prompts, which is good because my lady boner for Amy Poehler is getting out of control and I ship all the Weekend Update anchors with each other way hard.

Basically, an NBC kink meme is all my small fandom dreams, though it is really making me wish that Happy Endings (you guys are watching this, right? BECAUSE IT IS GREAT) and Party Down were on NBC, but what can you do.

(I've been rewatching a lot of Party Down lately because I like seeing Adam Scott make out with people, even though that show overall is pretty disappointing apart from Henry/Casey. But I REALLY WISH there was just one good fic for that pairing. Weirdly the only fic that seems to be out there for the show is a couple of Roman fics on AO3, which is disturbing because that dude is maybe the skeeviest character I've ever seen. Like, there are a lot of morally gray characters on television, but Roman is one that I am absolutely sure would, if he thought he could get away with it, rape you and not give it a second thought. The show treating him like he's skeevy but mostly harmless is really disturbing to me, because he is clearly NOT AT ALL HARMLESS. But whatever. Thanks for ruining Bill Haverchuck for me, though, Party Down!)

My computer's trackpad broke over the weekend, so I had to take it in, and now I'm stuck using my old laptop, which at least still works but is comically huge. I feel like Dwight: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.

There's literally nothing you can't do.

annakovsky — Fri, 13 May 2011 19:56:18 GMT

Remember that time Ben kissed Leslie? That was okay.

UM YEAH, basically, last night I had more jamsomnia than I've had since the original jamsomnia, and I was going to write a super long post about how great both episodes were but my head is pretty full of loud ecstatic shouting and seeing Ben's giant hands on Leslie's face right now, soooooooooo.

I EVEN SUPER ENJOYED ANN. THESE EPISODES WERE MAGICAL. I RAN 5K THIS MORNING, NO I DIDN'T, I THREW UP IN THE SHOWER. RON WAS WEARING APRIL'S HAT, AND BEN SAT ON RON'S LAP IN DONNA'S MERCEDES, AND ANDY THREW UP IN THE HALLWAY, AND ANN SNUCK AN AL GREEN SONG ONTO THEIR ANTI-SEDUCTION MIX AND THAT SCENE ON THE COUCH WAS THE MOST SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, LESLIE WAS LOOKING AT HIM LIKE SHE WANTED TO DO SOME FILTHY, FILTHY THINGS.

IN CONCLUSION I FEEL LIKE THIS: