So long, little chapel.

One Month.

2016-04-04T03:04:19Z

One month until release.
One month until everything changes, theoretically.
And where I've been struggling, fighting.

April's always the hardest month. Ten days until the thirteen year anniversary of Grando's death.

And it's just... hard. It's so hard.
And I don't know.

The depression hit me back hard again. I haven't had a scare like that in years. My therapist said he's never seen me like this (that is, after the fucking disaster of his new secretary NOT getting me an emergency appt). I've never cried in front of him before. I'm back up on max dose of Wellbutrin, which will make me feel better although it'll make me more anxious. I won't sleep. I might lose weight. I might not.

Since I started taking it, I haven't slept.

I'm up until 2 am consistently. When I fall asleep, I bolt upright after the first rem cycle drenched in sweat. I thought I must have been wrong, that it was in my head, but when I turned on the lights, and looked down, my shirt was wet and damp.

And I'm nervous. And I'm terrified.

I've been trying to reach out to people. It's a slow process, but honestly, I've tried. I've talked more on the phone the past month than I have in the past three years. I've texted. I've tried to get the guts to message on FB.

I've invited people over. I've asked to do things.

I'm getting a lot of last minute cancelation. Day of sort of stuff, not long before, so I don't have time to reschedule with someone else.

And it's bad when you're talking with your fiancé about not wanting to take a shower even though you should since it's late, then suddenly realize, it's Sunday night and the last time you took a shower was when you stayed at your Dad's house last Saturday. And your razor is bad but you make yourself sort of shave your legs even though you can't be bothered.

And it's bad that when finally, last night, you're encouraged by a trans-friend to go as one's male self on Twitter. And how I realize over the past few years D disappeared. And God, I missed that. I missed me. I fucking MISSED me.

And I wonder--

What happened to me?

When did I become so pathetic?

Why?

I see my LJ and the entries I stopped posting. Barely anyone uses it anymore, not the way we used to, not with FB, or Tumblr, or any of that shit, but in doing that, everything I put up there is censored. Public persona. My face. My biological name.

And I miss it.
I need it.

I miss RP. I miss my series, the epic sagas. I miss messaging friends.
I fucked up.
But how could I fuck up if I'm healthier? I eliminated toxic people, but...

I don't know.

It stings.
Everything. Everything.
It stings.

I need.
Something.

A companion. A friend.
Someone to check in on me to see if I'm okay because I'm not taking care of myself.

One month until my book is released. Where my life could change.
Or I guess, maybe that's the thing I'm afraid about--that everything will stay the same.

Good news, everyone!

2015-12-01T09:16:13Z

I forgot to post this on LJ because of FB and Twitter, but uh, I have some good news, everyone, that happened on my birthday!

Diamond, Sapphire (it's actually blue but looks mostly black!), and yellow gold--I think maybe 10 carat?

South Park RPs.

2015-10-30T10:50:43Z

The ship I used to RP went canon (Tweek x Craig--south park style of course).

And I don't think I know anyone who RPs South Park anymore.

And I sooooo badly want to RP it.

JERKBAIT IS AVAILABLE FOR PREORDER!

2015-10-30T08:43:38Z

My novel is available for preorder! It's the #1 New Release for Teen and YA LGBT Issues and for Teen and YA LGBT Issues it's ranked #6 best seller on the same page as Chbosky, Green, and Abertalli.
http://www.amazon.com/Jerkbait-Mia-Siegert/dp/1631630660/ref=zg_bs_10368569011_6

If you preorder, you might be one of the first 125. Send a proof of purchase (aka receipt) to publicity@jollyfishpress.com to get some swag.

animalboything @ 2015-02-15T23:41:00

2015-02-16T04:41:47Z

I'm going to be deleting some old LJ posts in the near future because fuck some people for taking advantage of me and making me feel like crap. :)

Plus, I want to start using LJ again.

Missing South Park RP. Sigh.

2014-09-23T13:55:35Z

I miss this stupid fandom so much. I miss RPing Stan. I miss RPing as Randy. I miss everything about it. Damn it.

hand me down

2014-09-04T20:11:32Z

............. my best friend from grad school cut me out of his life. Completely. No closure. No reason. Just... out. The same way she did. Not a word. All communication. LinkedIn. Facebook. AIM. Everything. or like that situation. if the name always starts with a J, is it a sign for me to look out? that i'll be hurt again, be it borderline blackmail, degrading comments, whatever..?

Logically, I know why... I guess... I mean, should have gotten the hint when he didn't tell me he even got married. ..right..?but we were supposed to be friends. such great friends. i know I'm naive, sometimes stupid, wishing too hard, trusting too much. Setting myself up time and time again to be let down. like everything i do in life. hoping for things people don't usually pick up on. that message. that moment. that offer to talk. a hug. but it doesn't really matter.

And now, I just... I don't get it.

.............. why? .............. why would you leave me? After what happened, why?

I guess it proves even more that I made the right choice in the long run. But... I just... this isn't on me, right? but it can't be on you, either. i couldn't have made another mistake like this again, right?

Sick part is that a piece of me wants to send a new f-request. To beg for something instead of the silence, the friendship back, but what's the point? To show how pathetic I am? There's no point. Logically, I know there's no point. I just...

it hurts. it hurts to know that this whole time i was trying to convince myself i was paranoid that i wasn't. that the warnings from mutual friends were true. that once again, i was right.

i hate being right.

sorry for venting about stuff no one cares about. i just. it hurts. i hurt. and i feel so, so utterly stupid for crying.

Fruits Basket is such love.

2014-08-09T23:51:37Z

Casual day 2 as Kyo from Fruits Basket. Giving me the urge to cosplay in a group and fan service like no tomorrow.

Holy smokes, do I miss this fandom.

OTAKON-- who's going?

2014-07-01T02:03:10Z

So, seems like I'm going to Otakon.

Who's going?

I'll be cosplaying something from CATS one of the days, Nagisa from Free!, probably Allen from D.Gray-man (who didn't see that coming? LOL), and really, REALLY hoping to do Kyo from Fruits Basket.

Don't suppose there's a Yuki and Tohru for me to play with?

Go Me

2014-06-21T00:50:47Z

So uh. I was just hired as the costume designer for a professional production of Cats featuring some Broadway actors, a youtube sensation, Troika alumni, and more.

:) I'm excited.

More details as they come out.

Vote For Me and Kale?

2014-05-14T00:19:30Z

So... we entered the Steampunk World's Fair writing competition. There needs to be five more entries for it to run (HINT HINT HINT), and winner is determined by votes.

Would be greatly appreciated if you took about two seconds to vote!

You need to register (I think you can press the CONNECT WITH FACEBOOK button rather than go through an email registration). Then, in our story, click the VOTE button (has a circle with a plus sign next to it). You can vote once per chapter posted. Winner gets $100 (assuming there are 10 entries, so come on folks!). As well, Kale and I could REALLLLLLLY use the moolah.

Link is here: https://www.jukepop.com/home/read/2398

Synopsis for CHILDREN OF PELEIA:

Steam locomotives are an ideal form of transportation. It’s not only the vast distances they cross, but the opportunities they afford. Posing as strangers, members of an esoteric cult target those who have been marked, ritually sacrificing them. Nourishment provided by the sacrifice has traditionally sustained their ailing matriarch, Peleia, but her ability to protect the people of Aethion is faltering.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, a talented young inspector, A. Lark, is unraveling the mystery behind the corpses dumped in the Acheron river, divested of their internal organs. Talon, an operative with the Children of Peleia, is partnered with Lark and tasked with throwing him off their scent. The closer Lark gets, the more frustrated Talon becomes, questioning his role in a family comprised of people with a more noticeable connection to the Aether. There’s Thorn, the only survivor of a catastrophic airship battle. Amelia, who heals broken bones with her hands. Nicholas, who graduated from Fennec University at the age of twelve and spoke 43 languages, and others whose abilities extended far beyond the physical realm.

Intent on protecting his family, Talon resorts to exploiting Lark’s interest in men, culminating in the discovery that his own truths may not be as reliable as he thought.

(P.S. REAL cover art coming soon!)

Thinking Back. South Park. Oh yeah.

2014-04-21T23:01:22Z

I wish people still RPed South Park, because I have the urge to play Randy SO badly.

animalboything @ 2014-03-15T21:44:00

2014-03-16T01:44:12Z

I deserve an apology from you.

ETA: This is for someone specific, who undoubtedly will never see this. But if they do, hopefully I get the apology.

I had written an uplifting post about conquering PTSD. Then I found something………..

2014-03-14T04:38:44Z

Et tu, Brute?

Excerpt from one of my favorite books.

2014-02-15T05:48:33Z

“It was late in the day when he saw the two men--boys, really, no older than twenty--holding hands and kissing beneath the awning of a deserted hardware store. One of them was gripping a hank of the other's hair, and the second was squirming and rocking inside his blue jeans, and when the first one whispered into the second one's ear, they both began to laugh. He approached them at a rush beneath the awning, where he tried to tell them something about the Bridge of Jesus and the Translation of the Elect. But they struggled against him and would not listen.

"Fuck off," one of them said, and the other one snapped, "Get your hand off me, you old cocksucker," and then they batted his sign with their arms and open hands and it lurched back and hit him in the jaw.

When he opened his eyes, he was lying flat on the pavement, and the boys were gone. He could feel something hard between his gums and his cheek. It was a tooth. When he rolled it over onto his tongue and spat it out, it came out dark red, like the stone of a cherry. On his way home he buried it in the soil of a churchyard, marking it with a crossed pair of bread sticks, so that when he died again and was gathered unto himself he would be made whole. And that was one day.”

– Kevin Brockmeier, The Brief History of the Dead , p104-105

For a certain hockey RPing friend

2014-02-04T04:57:17Z

NSFW

Swiped Quiz Thing from ilikerivers

2014-02-04T04:16:38Z

1. What did you do in 2013 that you had never done before?
-Snorkeled at the Great Barrier Reef

2. Did you keep your new year resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
-I became happier but didn't make the rest.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
-Deaths for relatives/loved ones of people who are close to me

5. What countries did you visit?
-Australia

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
-Get on the fitness bandwagon again

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-I don't know… I guess my birthday, Nov 16. Disastrous day turned into something pleasant.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
-Getting nominated for professor of the year in my "rookie" year as an adjunct

9. What was your biggest failure?
-I'd say not being able to keep my job… except for the fact that 30ish people had that same job within the last 2.5 years so… therefore not my fault.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
-Lots of illness

11. What was the best thing you bought?
-Technically, it was 2014… but I bought a beautiful costume from CATS.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
-I don't know.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
-I don't know.

14. Where did most of your money go?
-Health insurance (as always), but next to that, got a packet of Devils tickets.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-Australia trip.

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
"Get Lucky" - DAFT PUNK

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i.happier or sadder? Usually happier
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter
iii. richer or poorer? I think richer… barely

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
-I wish I wrote more

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
-Eating bad food/pizza

20. How did you spend Christmas?
-XMas eve with Mom, Xmas day with Dad

22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
-Still in.

23. How many one-night stands?
-None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
-For a "new" show, I liked "Orphan Black."

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
-Sort of.

26. What was the best book you read?
Favorite of 2013 was definitely THE MEMORY OF RUNNING by Ron McLarty

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
-I don't know.

28. What did you want and get?
-To meet someone on the Devils. I've met a bunch now.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
-I don't think I went to a movie theatre at all…

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-Turned 28. I graded papers. Then I went to the Devils vs Penguins game for my bday with my Dad. Got to bring my sign to the rink (It's my Bday--Make Sid Cry?) and got lots of attention from the boys. Hung out a lot with Kevin.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-If I got agent representation

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
-Women's dress suits

34. What kept you sane?
-Lack of certain people

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-No one, really. I don't think.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
-Too many to list

37. Who did you miss?
-David

38. Who was the best new person you met?
-Not sure. Maybe Kim or Kevin? Or Kryz. Actually, he might be. BUT one could argue that I re-met Ban-chan. I'm so happy to have her in my life again.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
-Just get it done.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Um… not sure. Maybe this-

"The only thing that burns in Hell
Is the part of you that won't let go of your life
Your memories, your attachments
They burn them all away
But they're not punishing you, he said
They're freeing your soul, relax" - "Inside" by UNKLE ft. Grant Nicholas

Sherlock - Eps Online

2014-02-03T21:58:34Z

Overall… was disappointed with S3. There were parts in the first episode I enjoyed… and maybe two scenes total that I enjoyed in the finale. The wedding episode bored me to tears. I thought it was poorly constructed, etc. Some could be bias because I'm not a fan of Moffat and his sexism/bi-phobia (although he co-writes SHERLOCK).

Hard to say.

But I will say this… while I'm not necessarily happy of the prospect of Moriarty not having died for real in one of the best TV deaths ever, he's my favorite character in the series by far.

Contemplative.

2014-01-27T06:35:25Z

I just have to say (after speaking with a friend who made me think of it) thank GOD I'm not psychic anymore.

Seriously, it's not a blessing. Prophetic dreams and deja vu are pretty shitty, even when you think they're good things.

Also, for one thing I wasn't psychic about, yesterday I found out my first boyfriend apparently was a big drug dealer. 14 years later. News to me.

God. I was/am naive. :(

So… Sherlock s3ep2...

2014-01-27T04:29:01Z

I……

Thought it was terrible….

I predicted the entire thing… I NEVER predict the entire thing…. the wink-wink-nudge-nudge humor and… I…

Jeez. Series 3 is incredibly disappointing. :/

So, Sherlock...

2014-01-20T04:39:57Z

I'm not posting spoilers here as I just watched it, though if anyone wants to talk about S3e1 in comments, spoiler away.

… because What. The. Fuck. did I just watch?

#NotSureIfGusta

Mystery of the Strange Stomach

2014-01-13T02:48:20Z

My stomach issues are back. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure what the root is. Could it be:
a) the return of h.pylori
b) too much grease in some food
c) gluten allergy
d) some sort of other allergy
e) heartburn or some other sort of issue related
f) gall bladder--which I suppose ties in with the greasy food stuff

Sooner or later, I'll have to go to the doctor. I'm stalling a bit in hopes it gets better and I knock off some of the pounds I put on in Australia/get better/lower cholesterol as right now it's horrendous. I don't even need to get it checked to know that much.

For other things, a few stressors. Once I start working out again (tomorrow--I worked out the previous week so it's not horrendously long without), I'm sure those stressors will lessen. Also worry about becoming stressed certainly stresses me out. How unhelpful. I'm taking preventative measures. Or attempting to. Woe, woe, woe.

I realize there are no bananas. This is not okay. I might need to get some tomorrow. Organic only, since they're soooooo much better. I also want to start using my new blender again… but I need to make sure I won't get sick from what I make. OH, DILEMMAS.

Now, a rare moment of sadness. Maybe I just need to read something. Or try to work on my w.i.p.

Oh yeah, btw… my first eLance went over well. The guy likes it and just wants to run it by his business partner tomorrow (perfectly fair). Makes me feel good.

Almost as good as the GREAT news--my favorite student from last semester won a contest with the story I helped her with for class!

A much overdue update

2013-12-24T23:47:09Z

I doubt many people would have noted my absence since, slowly, LJ is becoming a graveyard in comparison to Tumblr--which I'm just not on board with--and Facebook. I miss the days of LJ RP journals. You know, the ones where the character posted in first person for their journal to accompany third person playing? Good times.

Regardless, as this is a much overdue entry, might as well try to see what I can recap on. Most likely, this will be not in chronological order because I have a tendency to write things as they pop out.

I just came back from Australia. I was there for nearly a month visiting myzoslap. Overall, lovely time though a few boggles. Spending more time in the country makes me realize how much I would love to visit there frequently, but I definitely don't want it as a residence. I miss our cooler weather, and the change from country into the city. I especially missed the diversity as pretty much the people were white or Asian tourists. This time, I experienced no hostility about being American as I did the last time. I'm not sure whether this is due to the fact that a) since then, we killed Bin Laden and they seem to really like us for that fact, b) they realize that our president is Obama and NOT Bush, c) they're involved with their own politics, or d) that we went to some more tourist-y places and it was close to the holidays so people who might have snerked in their winter were trying to make sales. Any of the above is possible.

I'm pretty certain that Mahes's parents don't approve of us, especially since his mom suddenly realized I was older than his older brother, but that's too damn bad. Fortunately, at least I know my parents really, really like him.

I taught Advanced Fiction as an online adjunct. In my class of 24, 3 failed. I consider that horrible. Sure, it's not my fault that three students didn't do more than half of their work despite deadline extensions and whatnot, but still it was quite disappointing.

Lots of As, and many students said that it was the best course they've had while attending the university. I'm excited for the next semester's class... which is to start in two weeks... except for the nagging doubt that, on the class roster, I see no one. Absolutely no one. This worries me immensely because I'd like the class to run. I also need to see about getting my unemployment sorted out again.

I'm also finishing up an application for Teach for America. They seem to be interested in me--I barely filled out the application but when they read on my resume that I had "Advanced Fiction - UNIVERSITY," I think they showed more interest. This is more encouraging than the last time, when I was told I was not a good candidate. I'm crossing my fingers on this.

I'm also very, very, VERY much hoping that this w.i.p. I'm working on will be "that story." Such good feelings about it and, the small bits I've shown people seem to go over exceptionally well. It's my first time writing commercial fiction, so it's difficult. Odd in that usually people find literary fiction harder to write but well... We'll see.

Hockey. Been seeing the Devils a lot with my game plan. Going there on NYE for a matinee. I can't believe I went so many years without them all due to the association of a break up. I've been loving every minute of it, though we're obviously struggling as a team right now since we have a coach who's acting like a complete moron.

I lost track of things. Maybe I'll post more later.

Want

2013-10-28T03:28:04Z

Besides joy for all my friends who recently were married or engaged in civil partnerships (5-6 since Sept!), I'm also feeling a sense of sadness or longing. I'm guessing this is relatively common.

By the way, going to Australia in a little more than 3 weeks...

Remembering

2013-09-13T19:45:02Z

How is it that I looked at an old rp I was in, I complimented a character, went to look up info, then discovered... I played that character? I mean, I guess I got it right but...

Well, whatever. Feather in my cap? Narcissism extreme?