| One Month. |
[03 Apr 2016|11:04pm] |
One month until release.
One month until everything changes, theoretically.
And where I've been struggling, fighting.
April's always the hardest month. Ten days until the thirteen year anniversary of Grando's death.
And it's just... hard. It's so hard.
And I don't know.
The depression hit me back hard again. I haven't had a scare like that in years. My therapist said he's never seen me like this (that is, after the fucking disaster of his new secretary NOT getting me an emergency appt). I've never cried in front of him before. I'm back up on max dose of Wellbutrin, which will make me feel better although it'll make me more anxious. I won't sleep. I might lose weight. I might not.
Since I started taking it, I haven't slept.
I'm up until 2 am consistently. When I fall asleep, I bolt upright after the first rem cycle drenched in sweat. I thought I must have been wrong, that it was in my head, but when I turned on the lights, and looked down, my shirt was wet and damp.
And I'm nervous. And I'm terrified.
I've been trying to reach out to people. It's a slow process, but honestly, I've tried. I've talked more on the phone the past month than I have in the past three years. I've texted. I've tried to get the guts to message on FB.
I've invited people over. I've asked to do things.
I'm getting a lot of last minute cancelation. Day of sort of stuff, not long before, so I don't have time to reschedule with someone else.
And it's bad when you're talking with your fiancé about not wanting to take a shower even though you should since it's late, then suddenly realize, it's Sunday night and the last time you took a shower was when you stayed at your Dad's house last Saturday. And your razor is bad but you make yourself sort of shave your legs even though you can't be bothered.
And it's bad that when finally, last night, you're encouraged by a trans-friend to go as one's male self on Twitter. And how I realize over the past few years D disappeared. And God, I missed that. I missed me. I fucking MISSED me.
And I wonder--
What happened to me?
When did I become so pathetic?
Why?
I see my LJ and the entries I stopped posting. Barely anyone uses it anymore, not the way we used to, not with FB, or Tumblr, or any of that shit, but in doing that, everything I put up there is censored. Public persona. My face. My biological name.
And I miss it.
I need it.
I miss RP. I miss my series, the epic sagas. I miss messaging friends.
I fucked up.
But how could I fuck up if I'm healthier? I eliminated toxic people, but...
I don't know.
It stings.
Everything. Everything.
It stings.
I need.
Something.
A companion. A friend.
Someone to check in on me to see if I'm okay because I'm not taking care of myself.
One month until my book is released. Where my life could change.
Or I guess, maybe that's the thing I'm afraid about--that everything will stay the same.
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| Good news, everyone! |
[01 Dec 2015|07:16pm] |
I forgot to post this on LJ because of FB and Twitter, but uh, I have some good news, everyone, that happened on my birthday!
Diamond, Sapphire (it's actually blue but looks mostly black!), and yellow gold--I think maybe 10 carat?
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| South Park RPs. |
[30 Oct 2015|08:50pm] |
The ship I used to RP went canon (Tweek x Craig--south park style of course).
And I don't think I know anyone who RPs South Park anymore.
And I sooooo badly want to RP it.
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[15 Feb 2015|11:41pm] |
I'm going to be deleting some old LJ posts in the near future because fuck some people for taking advantage of me and making me feel like crap. :)
Plus, I want to start using LJ again.
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| Missing South Park RP. Sigh. |
[23 Sep 2014|09:55am] |
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I miss this stupid fandom so much. I miss RPing Stan. I miss RPing as Randy. I miss everything about it. Damn it.
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| hand me down |
[04 Sep 2014|04:11pm] |
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............. my best friend from grad school cut me out of his life. Completely. No closure. No reason. Just... out. The same way she did. Not a word. All communication. LinkedIn. Facebook. AIM. Everything. or like that situation. if the name always starts with a J, is it a sign for me to look out? that i'll be hurt again, be it borderline blackmail, degrading comments, whatever..?
Logically, I know why... I guess... I mean, should have gotten the hint when he didn't tell me he even got married. ..right..?but we were supposed to be friends. such great friends. i know I'm naive, sometimes stupid, wishing too hard, trusting too much. Setting myself up time and time again to be let down. like everything i do in life. hoping for things people don't usually pick up on. that message. that moment. that offer to talk. a hug. but it doesn't really matter.
And now, I just... I don't get it.
.............. why? .............. why would you leave me? After what happened, why?
I guess it proves even more that I made the right choice in the long run. But... I just... this isn't on me, right? but it can't be on you, either. i couldn't have made another mistake like this again, right?
Sick part is that a piece of me wants to send a new f-request. To beg for something instead of the silence, the friendship back, but what's the point? To show how pathetic I am? There's no point. Logically, I know there's no point. I just...
it hurts. it hurts to know that this whole time i was trying to convince myself i was paranoid that i wasn't. that the warnings from mutual friends were true. that once again, i was right.
i hate being right.
sorry for venting about stuff no one cares about. i just. it hurts. i hurt. and i feel so, so utterly stupid for crying.
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| Fruits Basket is such love. |
[09 Aug 2014|07:51pm] |
Casual day 2 as Kyo from Fruits Basket. Giving me the urge to cosplay in a group and fan service like no tomorrow.
Holy smokes, do I miss this fandom.
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| OTAKON-- who's going? |
[30 Jun 2014|10:03pm] |
So, seems like I'm going to Otakon.
Who's going?
I'll be cosplaying something from CATS one of the days, Nagisa from Free!, probably Allen from D.Gray-man (who didn't see that coming? LOL), and really, REALLY hoping to do Kyo from Fruits Basket.
Don't suppose there's a Yuki and Tohru for me to play with?
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| Go Me |
[20 Jun 2014|08:50pm] |
So uh. I was just hired as the costume designer for a professional production of Cats featuring some Broadway actors, a youtube sensation, Troika alumni, and more.
:) I'm excited.
More details as they come out.
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| Vote For Me and Kale? |
[13 May 2014|08:19pm] |
So... we entered the Steampunk World's Fair writing competition. There needs to be five more entries for it to run (HINT HINT HINT), and winner is determined by votes.
Would be greatly appreciated if you took about two seconds to vote!
You need to register (I think you can press the CONNECT WITH FACEBOOK button rather than go through an email registration). Then, in our story, click the VOTE button (has a circle with a plus sign next to it). You can vote once per chapter posted. Winner gets $100 (assuming there are 10 entries, so come on folks!). As well, Kale and I could REALLLLLLLY use the moolah.
Link is here: https://www.jukepop.com/home/read/2398
Synopsis for CHILDREN OF PELEIA:
Steam locomotives are an ideal form of transportation. It’s not only the vast distances they cross, but the opportunities they afford. Posing as strangers, members of an esoteric cult target those who have been marked, ritually sacrificing them. Nourishment provided by the sacrifice has traditionally sustained their ailing matriarch, Peleia, but her ability to protect the people of Aethion is faltering.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, a talented young inspector, A. Lark, is unraveling the mystery behind the corpses dumped in the Acheron river, divested of their internal organs. Talon, an operative with the Children of Peleia, is partnered with Lark and tasked with throwing him off their scent. The closer Lark gets, the more frustrated Talon becomes, questioning his role in a family comprised of people with a more noticeable connection to the Aether. There’s Thorn, the only survivor of a catastrophic airship battle. Amelia, who heals broken bones with her hands. Nicholas, who graduated from Fennec University at the age of twelve and spoke 43 languages, and others whose abilities extended far beyond the physical realm.
Intent on protecting his family, Talon resorts to exploiting Lark’s interest in men, culminating in the discovery that his own truths may not be as reliable as he thought.
(P.S. REAL cover art coming soon!)
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[15 Mar 2014|09:44pm] |
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mood |
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still betrayed |
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I deserve an apology from you.
ETA: This is for someone specific, who undoubtedly will never see this. But if they do, hopefully I get the apology.
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| Excerpt from one of my favorite books. |
[15 Feb 2014|12:48am] |
“It was late in the day when he saw the two men--boys, really, no older than twenty--holding hands and kissing beneath the awning of a deserted hardware store. One of them was gripping a hank of the other's hair, and the second was squirming and rocking inside his blue jeans, and when the first one whispered into the second one's ear, they both began to laugh. He approached them at a rush beneath the awning, where he tried to tell them something about the Bridge of Jesus and the Translation of the Elect. But they struggled against him and would not listen.
"Fuck off," one of them said, and the other one snapped, "Get your hand off me, you old cocksucker," and then they batted his sign with their arms and open hands and it lurched back and hit him in the jaw.
When he opened his eyes, he was lying flat on the pavement, and the boys were gone. He could feel something hard between his gums and his cheek. It was a tooth. When he rolled it over onto his tongue and spat it out, it came out dark red, like the stone of a cherry. On his way home he buried it in the soil of a churchyard, marking it with a crossed pair of bread sticks, so that when he died again and was gathered unto himself he would be made whole. And that was one day.”
– Kevin Brockmeier, The Brief History of the Dead , p104-105
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| Contemplative. |
[27 Jan 2014|01:35am] |
I just have to say (after speaking with a friend who made me think of it) thank GOD I'm not psychic anymore.
Seriously, it's not a blessing. Prophetic dreams and deja vu are pretty shitty, even when you think they're good things.
Also, for one thing I wasn't psychic about, yesterday I found out my first boyfriend apparently was a big drug dealer. 14 years later. News to me.
God. I was/am naive. :(
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| So… Sherlock s3ep2... |
[26 Jan 2014|11:29pm] |
I……
Thought it was terrible….
I predicted the entire thing… I NEVER predict the entire thing…. the wink-wink-nudge-nudge humor and… I…
Jeez. Series 3 is incredibly disappointing. :/
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