What Dreams Are Made Of...

The latest drama in my pathetic life!

2009-05-16T15:55:53Z

I'm moved...kind of. For those behind on the drama of my wretched life...

My husband (James) decided to move us from a smaller house on this property to the larger one when our landlady finally got sick of the former tenants and booted them out. I never wanted to move. Let me repeat this. I Never Wanted To Move! Yes, we were crammed into the other house and this one is bigger but I figured for the increase in rent, we could get another house instead of renting but since he makes the money I left the decision with him.

So, during the two weeks that our landlady gave the former tenants to move, I went into a stage of depression. Let me explain. I am a shut in. I seldom leave the house EVER and if I do I am a nervous wreck. I haven't always been like that - just the past 4 years after an accident I had. Anyways, me - depressed and left to pack our shit myself since my husband works 6 days a week. FUN! We fought like you wouldn't believe cuz I went silent (which I tend to do when depressed) and he couldn't handle it.

Anyways, the landlady (Cindy) takes two weeks to clean up the vacant big house since the former asshole tenants left it all fucked up. Then get this:

Sunday:
1. We started to move on Mother's Day
2. James' "friend" (Gary) with a truck that was supposed to help us move the big furniture never showed
3. He picked up an old friend and we used James' work van and my car to move boxes

Monday:
1. James had to work, I was alone
2. I went and picked up a friend of my mom's (David) to help me move
3. Stopped by Gary's and he said he'd be over in about 4 hours after he finished a job on a car
4. Gary never showed
5. David and I moved more boxes in my car and carried furniture 500 ft from one house to the other
6. Cindy told James she wanted the keys to the old house by Tuesday night!

Three fucking days to move out, plus we still need to clean the old house so we can get our deposit back and transfer it to the big house! Can you say "hitting the crack pipe"?

Tuesday:
1. I picked up David again and we went to get his brother, Henry, to help with the big stuff in case we had to carry it too
2. Gary showed while I was gone!
3. I passed him on the road on my way home and he turned around and came back
4. The three of them got all the rest of the shit and big furniture
5. I gave Cindy the keys

So I have boxes all over the place inside and a ton of shit outside on the deck and in the yard that I don't have room for yet til I unload boxes inside! AND on...

Wednesday:
1. I have to go help Cindy clean the old house all day

Thursday:
1. I have to go help Cindy clean the old house all day

I officially quit cuz she's doing shit that is above and beyond the call of my duty of cleaning the house like painting and replacing light fixtures, doors and cabinets that I didn't fuck up to begin with. Not to mention I cannot handle paint. One whiff and I get migraine from hell and wish for death within 2 hours max. So today...

Friday:
1. I am busting ass to make room in here before the rain comes.

The sun is shining, its been in the mid 90s all week but since I have computer parts, photos, paperwork, satellite receivers and other shit that will go to shit if rained on I tend to believe it will rain. Why? Because that is my luck.

So to wrap up this little melodrama, I basically got stuck doing all the moving and cleaning associated with a move I never wanted to make in the first place.

End of rant and back to unpacking.

ETA:

So we went to pay rent for the new place last night (we pay on the 1st and the 15th) and discuss the transfer of our deposit with Cindy. This batshit bitch told James she wasn't giving back any of our deposit! She said all the carpets had to be replaced (which is BS) and it took 3 people 36 hours to fix it up (considering it took 2 weeks to fix our new place how bad could it be plus I was in there and it just needed mild cleaning which James and I helped with) - but it wasn't all of our mess, she decided to replace doors, fixtures, and other shit in there that has nothing to do with our returning the place to its original state of when we moved in.

James got into an argument with her, I bit my tongue cuz when I go off it goes bad quick. Then she told him she has to think about whether she even wants us to stay in the new house and wouldn't sign her part of the lease. She's actually thinking of making us move again! After I shelled out $150 to my Mom's friend and his brother to help me move in here.

She said she'd let us know her decision today so I'm sitting here making myself sick, contemplating doing all of this shit again but having to actually go look for a place to move into! I haven't unpacked a single box since we got back from that little meeting last night.

I swear if she dicks us over, I'll take her to court for the moving costs plus the expenses of fixing my big screen TV and DVD recorder that blew out due to faulty wiring in the old place. Yes, we actually had a fire in there once right after we moved in because the wiring was all fucked up.

I'm just sick. My ulcer is flaring up, I'm popping Xanax like mad and a migraine is building. Going to lay down and mope now.

Back by popular demand

2009-01-30T20:57:04Z

Well, I got a few minutes with a laptop and I need to smatter you all with men! I know you won't complain so in no particular order, my list (that I could come up with on the fly) of my all access men!

Teaser but so much more beneath:

Brad Pitt

Chris Evans

David Boreanaz

Deserves another...

Heath Ledger - miss you, baby.

Hugh Jackman

James Franco

James Marsters

Jeffrey Donovan

Johnny Messner

Justin Hartley

Matthew McConaughey

Michael Biehn

Michael Shanks

Alex O'Loughlin

Paul Walker

Ryan Reynolds

Kevin Smith - miss you, baby.

Jared Padalecki

Deserves two...

And one with his on-screen brother...

Speaking of his on-screen brother...

Jensen Ackles

Deserves another...

Sully Erna

I have varied tastes in my meat as you'll see further down...

Steve Bacic

Travis Fimmel

John Cena

Shawn Michaels - hard to call him meat when he's one of my oldest friends but shush!

Randy Orton

Dwayne Johnson

Victor Webster

Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortensen in costume cuz they're hot!

Adrian Paul

Vin Diesel

Adam Copeland

Dave Batista

Keith Hamilton Cobb

Joe Flanigan

Jason Momoa

Georges St. Pierre

Matt Hardy

Deserves another...

With his brother, Jeff...

Deserves two...

Speaking of Jeff...

Jeff Hardy

and another...

and another...

and the gorgeous one...

I'm creamy and happy and will get back in bed now! Love you, my flist! Don't forget me!

Fic: Ignorance of the Law is no Excuse (NC-17) Ronon/Liz

2009-01-13T22:07:30Z

Title: Ignorance of the law is no excuse
Author: Dee and Kat
Chapter: 1
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Ronon/Elizabeth
Warnings: Explicit Sex, Dub-con
Disclaimer: We do not own the characters from SGA. This is intended for entertainment purposes only.
Summary: While attending trade negotiations on a new planet, Elizabeth unwittingly breaks one of their laws and ends up in a predicament that only John or Ronon can get her out of.
Author’s note: This little plot bunny belongs to Heimedall and we’re writing this together for her.

“How did I get into this mess?” Elizabeth mumbled helplessly, glancing around her dank prison cell. “That would be John, of course,” she grumbled with a shake of her head, a tinge of anger overriding her nervousness while she thought back a few hours.

~*~

“This is a waste of time,” John grumbled angrily, just barely keeping his voice down. “We’ve been here for hours waiting to talk to their leader and really, these people don’t have anything we need. Yes,” he cut her off, “I realize I’m backing McKay here and believe me, I won’t make a habit out of it but for once, he’s right.”

“While I realize these people and their civilization is a little primitive and yes, they really don’t have much to offer in the way of supplies, I want to remind you we are fighting a war on two fronts,” Elizabeth leveled her gaze on John’s before glancing at Rodney, Ronon and Teyla. “We’ve got the Wraith knocking at our door, more desperate than ever because of the Replicators and let’s not forget that they can turn into a problem in an instant if they find a work around on the program Rodney placed in their base code. We can use all the allies we can find, John,” she whispered, standing firm in her decision before she walked off.

~*~

“Colonel Sheppard, I must speak with you,” Borias glanced nervously at Ronon while he escorted him to the off-worlder’s tent. “I’m afraid to tell you that your leader has been arrested,” he lowered his eyes to the ground when the military man stood, an angry look in his eyes while he gripped his weapon.

“For what?” John spat; his temper rising as his patience with these people quickly wore out. “What could she have possibly done?”

“She wandered away from you,” he raised his eyes to the Colonel, seeing his confusion. “Uh, women on my world are not allowed to stray more than twenty feet from their male in public. Doctor Weir was taken into custody when she was well outside that distance from you.”

“Elizabeth is not mine. I’m not her male,” John shook his head, arching a brow when the man seemed to pale considerably. “What?”

“That is unfortunate,” Borias mumbled, scratching the back of his head. “An unbound female can be bartered for during auction. She will be brought before the populace in the morning and bidding will commence if her male doesn’t step forward to claim her.”

“She didn’t have any knowledge of this law of yours. You are our contact with your people, Borias. Don’t you think that bit of information was crucial enough to tell us about before we got here?” John hissed at the man, on the verge of losing it completely. “How the hell do we get her out of this?” he snapped, his green eyes blazing at their liaison.

“Like I said, Doctor Weir’s male must step forward to claim her in order to effect her release from auction. I would suggest one of you pretend to be her male,” Borias lowered his voice, glancing between John and Ronon.

“Uh, hello,” Rodney raised his hand, “what about me?”

“It is assumed that Teyla belongs to you, Doctor McKay. The others have noticed that she sticks to your side and her status is not in question,” he smiled when he saw the scientist furrow his brow.

“She sticks close to his side because he’s nervous around your people and needs protection,” Ronon kept his gruff voice low and smirked at McKay. “Why can’t we get Elizabeth out now?” he turned back to Borias, all business now.

“The prison doesn’t allow anyone in after a certain hour in the evening which is unfortunate for her. The conditions of our prisons are less than comfortable,” he backed up a few feet when the big man growled at him. “I’m afraid she must remain and since she is an outsider, proof of claim must be made to our leader’s satisfaction in the morning. One of you must step forward or she will be auctioned off,” he glanced between the Colonel and his big companion nervously. “I think it would be wise if Teyla leaves this world before anymore misunderstandings occur,” he leveled his gaze on John, trying to make up for his failure at brokering a treaty amongst his people and the Atlanteans.

“I agree,” John sighed, turning to Teyla when she opened her mouth to argue. “It’s gonna get hectic here tomorrow. Ronon and I will be busy trying to get Elizabeth out of this and we can’t afford for you to get too far from McKay during the heat of things and wind up right back where we started,” he kept his voice as calm as possible until she sighed and nodded her head. “Rodney, stick right beside her, get to the gate and take her home,” he glanced at the scientist, surprised when he saw how resolved he was. “We’ll be a few hours behind you. Sunrise isn’t far off and we can get this over with,” he exchanged a nod with McKay, reassuring him that everything would be all right.

“We’ll be expecting all of you back in the morning, John,” Teyla inclined her head while she patted Rodney on the arm. “If you have not returned within eight hours, we’ll be back with Major Lorne and every strike team we have to exact Elizabeth’s release,” she narrowed her eyes on Borias, making it clear that his people’s customs disgusted her. “Let’s go, Rodney,” she turned, exiting the tent close to the scientist’s side.

“So, tell me, Borias,” John pointed at a chair for the man to sit while he retook his seat. “How are we supposed to prove Elizabeth belongs to one of us to your leader’s satisfaction?”

~*~

“No!” Ronon argued for what seemed like the billionth time. Sunrise was an hour away. He and John had been going back and forth for seven hours and still hadn’t reached a compromise. “You don’t know what you’re asking, Sheppard,” he growled low in his throat, pacing the tent with pent up frustration.

“Come on, Chewie,” John stood out of his way, rubbing his forehead while a headache built up due to the constant stress of the situation. “Ronon, I can’t do this!” he stepped into his path, looking up into his friend’s angry hazel eyes. “She and I have a working relationship. If I do this, it will damage all of that, making it impossible for us to work together. Trust me, I know how badly something like this can turn out. It will cripple the functioning infrastructure of Atlantis’ command. It has to be you, buddy,” he lowered his voice, trying to get him to understand his predicament.

“And what about my working relationship with her, Sheppard? I know I’m not in the expedition’s command structure but…”

“What is it, Ronon?” John asked when he drifted off and turned his back on him, his hands on his lean hips. “Hey, what is it?” he moved to stand before him, narrowing his eyes when he saw how upset he was.

“What you’re asking…” he clenched his eyes, shaking his head to work up the courage to say what was on his mind. “My people have a custom; we can do…that freely without any reservations unless we’re actually invested in the woman. If there are feelings involved then we tend to consider the act as a bond between us,” he lowered his head, his dark skin turning almost crimson with embarrassment.

“Are you saying you have feelings for Elizabeth?”

“I have for some time now,” Ronon looked up into John’s wide eyes. “I just never got around to doing anything about it,” he shrugged his shoulders. “To be honest, I didn’t think she’d be interested in me and I didn’t pursue it because I thought the two of you had something going.”

“Elizabeth and I aren’t like that, buddy. So, if you do…this, you’ll consider her…” John trailed off with a raised brow, trying to shake off his surprise when Ronon nodded his head. “Well, you’re just gonna have to remember that this is necessary to save her and take one for the team, Chewie,” he patted his shoulder, walking out of the tent to leave the big man to his thoughts. “Oh crap,” John whispered, rubbing his eyes in worry and exhaustion.

~*~

“Oh crap,” John said angrily under his breath when he reached a clearing in the center of the village. Elizabeth was naked, bound hands and feet spread wide on a wooden X on a raised dais. She was dirty, exhausted and had dark bruises on her arms and legs.

“Don’t, Colonel,” Borias grabbed his arm when he went to step forward, clearly angry at the sight of his leader’s mistreatment. “You must wait for Garrick to ask for her male to come forward,” he whispered, trying to contain the man from making matters worse.

John begrudgingly nodded his head, glancing over his shoulder for any sign of Ronon. When the time came for them to come to the auction, he entered their assigned tent to find his Satedan friend had cut a hole in the back and left undetected. It was up to John to step forward to save Elizabeth, which he would do knowing they would probably never be able to work together again after he did this.

“This female was captured last night out of the company of her male,” Garrick spoke up above the din of the crowded square. Many of the townsmen had gathered for a chance to bid on the off-world female and he looked forward to the amount of money he would make off of her sale. “Before the auction begins, I ask if the man that owns this female is present. If he is, I ask him to step forward so that he may claim her in accordance to our laws,” he glanced over the crowd, his eyes snapping to her fellow off-worlder when he began to move forward only to jerk his head to the right when he heard a voice boom across the square.

“She belongs to me!”

John stopped dead in his tracks, glancing to the left to see the crowd part. He released a breath he didn’t know he was holding when Ronon passed unencumbered through the men to stand before the dais.

Ronon glanced at Elizabeth’s nude and bruised body, growling quite audibly at the signs of her abuse and her obvious discomfort at being on display in such a crude manner. “She is mine,” he grated out, his chest heaving in anger when he glared at the leader, “and I will not tolerate my female being treated like this,” he pointed at the dais. “Release her to me now!” his voice reverberated across the square.

“Take her down,” Garrick called out to his men; keeping his eyes on the large man, “and place her on the platform,” he jerked his head towards a stone altar just to the side of the X. “If she belongs to you then I assume you can prove it?” he cocked his head at the off-worlder, taking in his angry nod and holding his hand out when he stepped up on to the dais. “You’d best make this convincing because if I doubt your claim on her, she will be auctioned off to the highest bidder,” he grinned when the big man gritted his teeth and moved towards the platform.

“Are you okay? Did they hurt you?” Ronon said softly, running a hand over Elizabeth’s hair while she nodded curtly, holding her tears at bay. “Listen to me,” he whispered while his hands went to the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head and dropping it to the ground. “I need you to go along with everything I do and make it look natural, like it happens all the time or we’re in deep trouble,” he continued on, unlacing his leathers and stepping out of his boots. “Trust me, Elizabeth,” he palmed her cheek when her scared eyes darted over his nude body.

She swallowed heavily, nodding her head when he climbed on to the platform and covered her with his warm, hard body. She stared into his soft eyes, startled at the emotions she saw there while he cradled her face between his hands and closed the distance between their lips.

Ronon felt his groin stir when she whimpered into their kiss. He had dreams about her, very erotic dreams that woke him many nights, achingly hard and needing release. He pictured her in his mind when his hand pumped furiously along his length, forcing himself not to cry out her name when he came on his stomach and over his hand. Of all his thoughts, dreams of how it would be when they finally got together, this was definitely not amongst them.

She was battered and bruised, exhausted beyond measure and frightened from her ordeal. Now he could see and feel how scared she was, terrified from being forced into this and it did nothing to stir his cock to life when he knew she didn’t want this but resigned to it to effect her freedom.

John swallowed heavily, feeling awkward as he watched his friend disrobe and mount Elizabeth’s nude body in front of the whole village. He was, however, surprised that Ronon didn’t hesitate in the slightest. It almost seemed like the big guy was used to having sex in public and John was thankful he stepped up to do this. If he had to, he was bound to be too nervous to perform effectively in front of this many people and doubted he’d have been able to convince Garrick.

Ronon slipped his tongue into Elizabeth’s mouth, exploring at his leisure and hid his surprise when she wound her arms around his neck, deepening their kiss. The moan that passed from her mouth to his traveled straight through his system to his shaft, making him harden in an instant.

“Keep your eyes closed and just relax,” he whispered against her lips before retaking her mouth. His right hand moved slowly down her slender neck to gently squeeze one breast, his fingers ghosting over her nipple until it hardened to a tight peak. She gasped, sensually arching her back to thrust her breast into his touch and from that instant on, no one existed to him but her.

Ronon scooted down her body, drawing that hard nipple into his mouth and plundered her sensitive flesh with teeth, tongue and lips. Elizabeth threw her head back, wrapping one hand in his locks to keep him in place, to hold on to the sensation she had been denied for so very long.

He growled against her breast when he scented her arousal, it was as sweet as he dreamed. He moved his wandering hand down her abdomen, pausing there for a split moment before he continued on to his prize. She was so hot and wet against his palm, he could barely restrain himself. He bit down on her nipple one last time before he hovered over her, looking down into her eyes when he darted two long fingers into her pussy.

“Always ready for me, love, even now under these conditions,” Ronon said huskily with a grin, loud enough that those closest could hear and Elizabeth blushed profusely. “Don’t worry,” he removed his fingers from her tight heat, positioning his cock at her entrance, “I’ll take care of your needs properly when we get home,” he slid his hand down her thigh, hiking her knee to his hip before he drove into her body.

Elizabeth bit her tongue, clutching on to his shoulders while her body screamed in protest to his occupation. It had been a very long time since she had engaged in sex and never with someone of his size. She felt like she was being split in half but couldn’t voice her discomfort and knew he couldn’t give her time to adjust. This was supposed to be something they did on a regular basis.

“I’m sorry, I know it hurts,” he whispered with a strained voice in her ear, trying to be as gentle as possible but needing to keep up the pretense that she was his woman. He nuzzled the side of her face with his bearded chin until she turned her head towards him and took her mouth once again.

His gentle touch and probing tongue ignited a fire in her blood. This man was always an enigma to her, gorgeous beyond compare yet so silent and lethal that his presence demanded both respect and fear. The way he was acting now; so gentle and, dare she think, loving, took away her fear and overrode her fear. He was sweeping her up in his kiss, the way he caressed the skin behind her knee that he held to open her up to his penetration, and his long thick length managed to touch a place within her that no one ever had before. It didn’t take long before her body adjusted to his invasion and she wrapped her arms and legs around him, kissing him back with equal fervor.

Ronon groaned low in his throat, moving his hand back to cradle her face when she drew her legs up to his waist. He palmed her cheeks gently between his large hands, taking care to keep his touch soft while their tongues dueled for dominance within her mouth. It was a stark contrast to how hard and fast his hips were slapping against the cradle of her thighs, driving his cock repeatedly into her wet pussy.

Elizabeth couldn’t breathe; every thrust of his length into her body forced the oxygen from her lungs. She broke their kiss, gasping for air while he relentlessly pistoned that silk-encased steel into her body. Every slap of his pelvis against hers tore a cry or whimper from her lungs. She felt a heat spread through her body, converge on one point in her womb and explode outwards when she pulled the most intense orgasm she had ever experienced out of her body.

Ronon clenched his teeth when her pussy convulsed around his cock. The sound of her scream combined with the tight vibrations of her body around his shaft to literally rip his release from him. He growled loud and deep, the tendons in his neck and arms straining as he jerked his hips into her, flooding her womb with his seed.

He took a few minutes to recover his senses enough to look down at Elizabeth. She was panting, her breasts rising and falling rapidly while she tried to calm her breathing. He laced his fingers in her hair at her temple, smiling softly when she opened her dazed eyes. “You okay?” he whispered close to her lips, his breath mixing with hers as intimately as their bodies were. She nodded silently, pulling him down for a gentle kiss before she succumbed to her exhaustion. “Are you satisfied?” Ronon shouted back to Garrick, keeping her covered with his long form.

“We are,” Garrick grumbled before he turned to leave with his aide. “Too bad, I would’ve made a lot of money off that female,” he whispered to his companion as they passed John.

“Sheppard, come here!” Ronon yelled for his friend, staying in place, still buried deep within Elizabeth’s unconscious body. “Grab my shirt. I don’t know what they did with her clothes and I’m not carrying her back to Atlantis like this. Thanks,” he took his sleeveless tunic from him and jerked his head. “Block their view so I can dress her,” he narrowed his eyes on his stunned and strangely silent friend.

“Right,” John seemed to snap out of a spell he was under and quickly turned his back away from them to glare at the slowly dispersing crowd.

Ronon gently eased his length out of her body, jumping off the platform to lift her up and pull his shirt over her slight form. It was large enough that it covered her upper torso and ass. He settled her back down on the platform long enough to pull on his leathers and boots before he picked her up, cradled her against his bare chest and strode determinedly off the dais. “Let’s get the hell out of here,” he gritted out of clenched teeth when a few stragglers tried to get a look at Elizabeth.

“You, uh, did a hell of a job convincing Garrick, buddy,” John said uncomfortably, keeping his eyes forward while they quickly made their way to the gate. “You definitely had me fooled into thinking you were a couple,” he cleared his throat when Ronon turned hard eyes on him.

“It wasn’t a job and I didn’t need to convince anyone after she accepted me into her body, Sheppard,” he hissed at his friend before he glanced down at the sleeping woman in his arms. “I told you, I warned you what would happen if I did this,” he shook his head almost sadly. “Believe me when I say it would’ve been much easier if you did it instead. I felt her acceptance, her response and now,” he gritted his teeth, clenching his eyes when he felt his body react to her warmth against his chest, the memory of her tight, wet heat surrounding his length just moments ago. “Let’s just get home before Teyla brings Lorne and every SO we have and levels this settlement,” he outpaced John towards the gate, leaving him behind with Borias.

“I guess it’s safe to say we won’t be finishing our negotiations with your people,” John grimaced at the man, quickening his stride to catch up to Ronon.

~*~

“Are you feeling alright, lass?” Carson asked softly, a gentle smile on his face while he looked in on his patient.

“A little bruised but now that I’ve showered, I feel 100% better,” she smiled, glancing at the Scottish doctor briefly.

She knew Ronon had brought her to the infirmary, John imparted the specifics of what had occurred and Ronon had left as soon as he knew she wasn’t physically injured. The fact that Carson and John’s team knew what she and Ronon were forced to do to affect her release made her skin darken with a blush.

John stayed a little longer until she regained consciousness before he made his retreat. Rodney never came in at all and only Teyla stayed behind, sitting in a chair beside her bed. If Elizabeth was honest with herself, she’d admit that it stung a little, no, it downright hurt her feelings that Ronon didn’t stick around longer.

She had always found herself attracted to the man but never thought she was his type. He was large, imposing, hostile and unsettling when he was quiet at times but his caring nature towards his colleagues shined through at every opportunity. He had even protected her during their mission against the Replicators and she had never felt so safe before.

When he made love to her earlier, she saw something in his eyes, heard something in his voice that tugged at her long silent heartstrings. ‘Did he make love to me? Or was it just him getting me out of trouble?’ she thought to herself, her hands fidgeting in her lap. ‘I could’ve sworn,’ she lost her train of thought when the man in question strode into the infirmary, calling out to Carson while avoiding her eyes.

“I’ll leave you two ladies to talk,” Carson smiled at Teyla and Elizabeth before he walked off to speak quietly with Ronon.

Elizabeth kept her eyes on her tall lover/protector while he whispered to Carson. He seemed distraught, talking with his hands a lot and returning them to his waistline to tuck his thumbs into his gun belt. She furrowed her brow when the good doctor blanched, cast a glance in her direction and quickly averted his eyes when he saw she was watching. She narrowed her eyes, trying to read Ronon’s lips but his facial hair made that next to impossible. The next thing she saw was Carson pointing in her direction, telling Ronon something that he definitely did not like hearing. Ronon hung his head, his thumbs still hooked into his belt while Carson made his way back to her bedside.

“Teyla, love, will you excuse us for a moment? I’m afraid Ronon and I must have a word in private with Elizabeth,” Carson raised his voice on the second sentence so that the lad would hear him and nodded curtly when Teyla rose from her seat.

“Of course, Carson,” she said softly. “Elizabeth, I will return later to check on you,” she patted her arm, walking towards the door and inclining her head at Ronon as she passed.

“How are you feeling?” Ronon said softly, not meeting her eyes when he stood beside her bed. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he glanced up at her briefly until she shook her head no before he lowered his eyes to her sheet-covered abdomen.

“You didn’t hurt me at all, Ronon. In fact, given the situation and how long I’ve abstained from sex, you were extremely sensitive to my needs and managed to bypass my discomfort with relative ease,” she blushed profusely, embarrassed to talk about this with anyone but especially in front of Carson. “What is going on? The conversation you were having seemed rather heated and I can’t help but notice the two of you look as uncomfortable as I feel right now,” she lowered her head, trying to hide the blush that spread from her face down to her neck and chest.

“Elizabeth, you were ovulating when we…did what we did,” Ronon kept his gaze on her abdomen but saw her head snap up. “I could scent it,” he answered before she could voice the question. “My senses are finely tuned to certain things in certain people and I scented it on you the moment I was within a few feet from you,” he managed to tell her that much but couldn’t explain that the only reason he could detect that scent was because he considered her as a potential mate.

“Elizabeth, given Ronon is Satedan, I’m not entirely sure if the morning after pill will be effective. Quite frankly, it is something that I’ve never had to test until now,” Carson whispered when her face went blank, staring at her hands on her abdomen. “I just wanted you to know all the facts before we proceed, lass,” he gently placed his hand on her forearm, taking in her short nod before he glanced at Ronon. He had never seen the lad this upset before but he had the distinct impression that what he had to do on the planet and what they were faced with now was not an inconvenient circumstance to a desperate rescue. He appeared to be stressed over what her decision would be. “I’ll leave you two to talk and then you can tell me your decision,” he glanced between them, his head darting towards Ronon when he turned to leave. “Where are you going, big man?”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Doc. It’s her decision,” he said in a strained voice before striding out of the infirmary.

“Elizabeth, I think he’s upset with the possibility that you could decide to terminate his child. He might have not been a willing participant in what occurred on the planet but the lad lost everything with Sateda’s destruction,” he whispered to her, squeezing her shoulder in an effort to comfort the now crying woman. “The thought of having a child must be something huge for him, like getting back something he thought he’d never have again, a family.”

“He can’t even look me in the eyes, Carson,” she cried softly. “Am I supposed to carry his child despite the fact that he was forced to be with me and refuses to have anything to do with me now? Am I expected to just be a mother to a child whose father never wanted me to begin with?”

“I seriously doubt it’s to the extent you believe it to be, lass,” Carson said sympathetically.

“It isn’t,” John added from the doorway. “Carson, get the scanner ready. We need to see if there is a child to be considering in the first place and second,” he glanced down at her tear-stained face with a smile, “we need to talk.”

~*~

“Damn it,” Ronon huffed when the access rang on his door for the third time. He had escaped the infirmary, her scent, the sight of her with every intention of hiding away in his quarters. He wanted to stay in there until he could erase the image of her nude body, the feel of her soft skin, the knowledge of how she felt beneath him and around him, and her scent from his mind. All it did was make him unbearably hard and frustrated.

The thought that she might be carrying his child within her womb excited him beyond words. Actually, he knew he impregnated her the moment he came inside of her. Call it his enhanced senses when his intended woman was ovulating and they made love, he just knew she was pregnant with his child. And the thought that they could erase it from her body, that this pill might actually be effective against his seed just crushed his heart. It was like seeing the remains of his home world all over again.

He rose from his bed, clad only in his leathers and accessed his door, dead set on killing the person that disturbed him now when he felt like his world was ending again. His mouth fell open, his breath slammed out of his lungs and he couldn’t even manage to shut his gaping mouth.

“May I come in?”

“Yeah,” he cleared his throat when it came out hoarse the first time he attempted to say it. He closed the door when Elizabeth walked in, following her with his eyes when she sat on his sofa. “Have you been cleared to leave the infirmary?” he narrowed his eyes on her.

“Is that what you really want to ask me right now?” she smiled softly, patting the leather cushion beside her. “Sit down, Ronon. We need to have that talk that you think is all my decision,” she hid her grin when he flushed and actually faltered in his step before he finally sat down. “Believe it or not, John had Carson run a scan on me to determine if I’m carrying your child and I wanted you to know the results,” she said softly, cupping his chin and turning his face towards her. “You are definitely a father,” she smiled, furrowing her brow an instant later when he nodded his head and returned his gaze to the floor. “I’m not taking the pill, Ronon,” she added and jumped in surprise when his head snapped up, his hazel eyes piercing hers.

“Why?” he choked out, barely restraining the tears that threatened to fall.

“Because that is not something a female would do to her invested male,” she smiled again, this time her eyes lighting up as she did.

“Sheppard,” he nodded his head, flushing in embarrassment.

“John told me and I also told him that this female is invested in this male,” she cupped his cheek, turning his face towards her again but this time moving in close, her lips a breath away from his. “I don’t know what will happen as we explore our feelings for each other but I won’t deprive you of your child no matter what the outcome,” she said with heartfelt emotion welling in her eyes.

“Our feelings for each other,” he breathed out in relief, wrapping his arms around her back and pulling her towards him.

“I do have feelings for you too,” she kissed him lightly on his parted lips, returning his lazy smile when he lay flush on the sofa with her sprawled across his chest. “Now I believe you said something about seeing to my needs once we came home,” she cocked her head, a grin on her face before she squealed when he swept her up in his arms and carried her to his bed.

Jokes

2009-01-06T21:12:15Z

Two today because I need a lift and thankfully my bud, Kimberly, has never let me down.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her
car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde
says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck
door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather,
and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to
the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by
two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local
racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the
supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the
bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting
outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys
with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one
holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice
that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was
staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied.
"I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.

I lost my baby today...

2009-01-06T21:04:27Z

He was born in my hands, lost his sight when he was a few months old due to an attack by a wolf hybrid but remained my constant companion for over half my life. And today, I put him to rest so he wouldn't suffer anymore.

You will be missed, Pookie!

Joke

2008-12-27T20:09:21Z

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?'

Joke of the Day

2008-12-08T21:46:35Z

A professor at the University of Michigan was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

And I have started writing the next installment of my SN series since I am bed-ridden and going nowhere for a while.

Need a laugh?

2008-12-02T18:48:46Z

Click...

Misspelled 'haul' but still cute...

Jokes of the Week

2008-11-25T13:50:44Z

Thought I'd drop in and try to spread a funny in case any of my flist needs a pick me up!

Towards the end a day at the golf course, Bruce hit his ball into the

woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to

get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every

buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman

appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me

to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't

have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better

still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your

life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything

the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred

where are you?'

Fred yells back, 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED..FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SWING!'

Things You Can Only Safely Say On Thanksgiving.................



1. Talk about a huge breast!



2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.



3. It's Cool Whip time!



4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!



5. That's one terrific spread!



6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.



7. Are you ready for seconds yet?



8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?



9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!



10. Don't play with your meat.



11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.



12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?



13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!



14. You still have a little bit on your chin.



15. How long will it take after you stick it in?



16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.



17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!



18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

Jokes and overdue announcement of temporary hiatus

2008-11-03T14:03:16Z

To my flist, I am so overdue on posting this and I apologize. I am temporarily out of commission with a broken rib and a mending punctured lung. I do get online but I can't sit down at the PC so I stand to go through email and then wander back to bed when my legs get tired. I will be back when my rib is a little more settled because I really don't feel like having it poke a hole in my lung again. So bear with me and don't boot my pathetic ass off your flist while I'm mending. *insert pouty lip here*

Now on to the jokes that I got from 2 friends in my Inbox that made me laugh and subsequently hurt myself in the process...

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart.
As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so
he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed
hold of him and called over the intercom,
'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was
interesting, and like most of us, was up
for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he
told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked
if she could have some brought to the
register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated
that he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up
the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5 .'

A few customers back was this teenage
boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type
of sexual contact with a live female, so
he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the
checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said
he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and said...

(you'll love this one...................)

'Cleanup, Register 5'

RETIREMENT BONUS, Navy Style If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early Retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of My weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam.'

Right or Left Brained? Which are you?

2008-10-25T04:13:06Z

Got this from a dear friend of mine that always keeps me on my toes. Hugs, taintedangel80 , and keep em coming! I love this stuff!

Brain matters..............

Which way does she turn for you?

This is really amazing. Read the information below. This will drive people crazy for hours.

If you see this lady turning clockwise, you are using your right brain.
If you see her turning the other way, you are using your left brain.
Some people do see both ways, but most people see it only one way.

See if you can make her go one way and then the other by shifting the brain's current.

BOTH DIRECTIONS CAN BE SEEN.

Experimentation has shown that the two different sides or hemispheres of the brain are responsible for different manners of thinking. The following table illustrates the differences between left-brain and right-brain thinking:

Left Brain                     Right Brain
Logical                         Random
Sequential                   Intuitive
Rational                       Holistic
Analytical                     Synthesizing
Objective                     Subjective

Looks at:                     Looks at:
Parts                           Wholes

Most individuals have a distinct preference for one of these styles of thinking. Some, however, are more whole-brained and equally adept at both modes. In general, schools tend to favor left-brain modes of thinking, while downplaying the right-brain activities. Left-brain scholastic subjects focus on logical thinking, analysis, and accuracy. Right-brained subjects, on the other hand, focus on aesthetics, feeling, and creativity.

If you look away, she may switch from one direction to the other.
You may find that if you lean your head to left side then look at her feet, her direction changed to counter-clockwise.
Similarly if you lean your head to the right side, you may find her direction clockwise.
Very Interesting.... Right!!!!!.... Good exercise for the brain.

What Type of Man turns you On Test

2008-10-24T18:35:52Z

Your result for The What type of MAN turns you on Test...

Tough guy

You scored 80% masculine, 71% athletic, 36% exotic, and 44% refined!

You love men, you love testosterone and you know it. You like a bad-ass man who knows what he wants. He isn't what you might bring home to mom but I don't think it really matters - he's hot! Someone like.....Vin Diesel. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

Take The What type of MAN turns you on Test at HelloQuizzy

This is too funny since I used to have a massive thing for Vin but I hate this picture. Must change it now... yes, the picture below is better and in case you're curious, the t-shirt says: Press button if you want to see me naked with the arrow pointing down!

The 36 things get-to-know-you Meme

2008-10-24T16:43:35Z

Snagged from eric_idle_rules .

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Joke of the Week - Epic Failures

2008-10-17T13:40:39Z

Random pics and ads that FAIL! This was in my Inbox this morning and I couldn't resist sharing.

More...

Eh! Its been awhile...

2008-10-15T18:51:30Z

Since I am incapable of downloading eps due to my bandwidth usage, I am forced to make vids based on past seasons. I fell in love with this song and thanks to my babe, loco_lobo , who said it reminded her of Dean's deal, I made one since I have a majority of last season's.

Title: Fake It
Artist: Seether
Vidder: (take a wild guess)
Fandom: Supernatural
Genre: Action, Drama
Characters: Dean, Sam, Bobby, Ruby and few spotlight cameos.

I no longer upload my vids to YouTube or host them so they can be downloaded due to theft of past work. So Imeem it is and a word of warning: sometimes IE does not like Imeem so you might want to view on a different browser.

Love you, Monte, and thanks for giving me something to occupy my time while the rain pours outside.

Joke of the Week

2008-10-06T21:04:00Z

I got this one from my friend, taintedangel80 and got a good chuckle out of it. Was in dire need of it too.

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You Bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you Bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

Epic Fail

2008-10-01T14:26:15Z

Don't ask me how but I managed to crack a rib by doing nothing more than bending down to pick up my dog that weighs maybe 30 lbs soaking wet yesterday morning. I've lifted and carried much more and nothing but the instant I went to lift him to help him up the stairs into the house (he's really old and doesn't do the stairs well anymore) I heard the crack. Hurts like hell, I have to keep my right arm in a sling cuz if I move my elbow - pain and if I look down - pain.

Weirdest injury I've ever had just cuz of how it happened. *goes to lay back down and hopefully sleep*

Oops!

2008-09-28T22:05:25Z

Here are some old drawings I did for a fic I wrote eons ago. I thought I had posted them here before but upon looking so that I could show them to a friend, I realized that I didn't. My bad and here you go!

Jason Momoa - Ronon Dex from Stargate Atlantis

The picture I stared at:

What came out of all that staring:

(Click for larger image) I won 3rd place in an art contest for this drawing and it was featured in a calendar the actor released on his Official website.

Steve Bacic - Telemachus Rhade from Andromeda

Kevin Smith - Ares from Xena/Hercules

Eric Etebari - Ian Nottingham from Witchblade

Vin Diesel

The Phoenix from the X-Men Comics

Optical Illusions

2008-09-24T20:57:06Z

My friend, taintedangel80 sent these to me and I think they are frickin cool!

You should see a face but also a word. Tilt your head to the right!

And lastly:

If you take a look at the above picture , let me tell you it is not animated. Your eyes are making it move. To test this, stare at one spot for a couple seconds and everything will stop moving. Or look at the black center of each circle and it will stop moving. But move your eyes to the next black center and the previous one will move after you take your eyes away from it....

Blame this shit on my weird mood, lack of sleep, or migraine.

Jokes of the Day!

2008-09-24T16:13:25Z

You know the gig! When I feel like shit, I share the humor so...

1. Remember when...?

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show. A window was something you hated to clean and RAM was the cousin of a goat...

Meg was the name of a girlfriend and gig was your middle finger upright. Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped that nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for awhile.

Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!
2. For us women...

This is an actual letter and the woman who wrote it lives in Austin .

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher:

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr.Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's boys into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, all you people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you freaking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?

Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending "BS".

And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

The New Drink
R-Rated

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting
there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great
new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender
brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks
at the items quizzically and the woman explains

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of
Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you slam the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys...smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.

He thinks...this is OKAAAAAY!

Finally he picks up the lime juice and slams it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits.

At two seconds the Baileys curdles.

At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits.

At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his
girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Holy shit,
what do you call that drink?"

She smiles angelically at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

Kissable! Lickable! Loveable!

2008-09-24T14:59:59Z

I completely blame raloria for this after she posted one of the most screen-kissable pics of Dean. So here is the drill:

1. Post a pic of an actor/person with the most kissable lips you've ever seen, an area you'd love to lick or just one that is beyond loveable to you in the comments to this post.
2. Preferably a pic of said kissable lips, body, or pose with his name in the post and what it is that draws you to him.
3. Yes, you can repeat the same actor/person and post another pic of said kissable lips, lickable body or loveable for whatever reason.
4. This is for all fandoms!
5. For the sake of my layout and loading time - please keep the pics to 320 x 240 in size.
6. No mocking someone else's babes! You all know how varied my tastes are!

I'll start since it's my LJ *shrugs shoulders* I want to see your men so reply with a pic!

Jensen Ackles - in this pic, it's his kissable lips!

Jared Padalecki - in this pic, it's his lickable furrow between his brows!

Ready...set...GO!

Two Jokes just Because...

2008-09-23T22:14:09Z

1. The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise...

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the work place rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

2. Why Sentence structure is so important:

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off ?' she said. 'I feel like shit.'

FYI to new friends

2008-09-15T00:19:40Z

Hey guys, I forgot to mention in my profile (and I'm about to fix that), I am barely ever online on Sundays during Football season. Yes, I am a born and raised jock that loves my football, soccer, and basketball. So, in case you were ever curious why I don't say boo on Sundays before - now you know.

Oh and our weather finally got here from Hurricane Ike so it has been pouring all day! Yes! Finally! Wind and acid rain!

*Bows out to watch the night game*

Dee

Happy Birthday!

2008-09-11T14:58:55Z

A shout out to taintedangel80 and deanandsam on their special day! Here's a little something from Dean for ya!

And to my dear, sireesanwar , whose birthday is tomorrow, I give you well wishes today too since tomorrow we have a hurricane scheduled to hit us and I don't know if I'll have power. Here is a little Ronon for you!

Love you guys!

Dee

Meme since I'm home and bored!

2008-09-11T14:45:40Z

Snagged from angels_cordy .

BASICS

1. Start Time – 9:32 AM

2. Name - Dee

3. Astrology sign –Aries.

4. Gender – Female.

5. Eye color – Black

6. Favorite color - purple, black, dark blue.

7. Glasses –Yes because I have a hole in my cornea but I love my contacts and miss wearing them.

8. Tattoos- YES! And another is in the works!

9. Birthday – March 27th

11. Sibling's name(s) – Debi and John

HAVE YOU EVER.

12. Cut your own hair? Sure, I do that all the time

13. Did you do something in the past month that you regret? Nope

14. Skipped school? When I was in it - hell yeah!

15. Bungee-jumped? Once

16. Punched someone? Plenty of times

17. Cheated on a test? Yeah

18. Been arrested? Once for assaulting my chiropractor!

19. Broken into someone's house? Mine when I got locked out.

20. Been rejected? Not that I can remember

21. Been to a funeral? Yes

22. Used a lighter? Smoker here, take a guess...

23. Been on stage? YES when I used to sing in a band eons ago

FAVORITE.

24. Season – Fall since that is the only season besides Hell that Texas has.

25. Food – Pasta

26. Ice cream flavor – Jamoica Almond Fudge

27. Candy – Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

28. Breakfast – Tacos

29. Person - Quite a few

30. Book – Sun Signs

31. Song – What's Left for Me by Days of the New

32. River – Guadalupe

33. Place - New Zealand

34. Sport to watch on TV – Football, Basketball or Soccer

35. Disney movie - Little Mermaid (the original)

36. Disney princess - Cinderella

37. Name for a son - Michael Anthony

38. Name for a daughter – Alexandra

PICK ONE.

39. Chocolate or vanilla? Vanilla.

40. Coffee or Cappuccino? Coffee

41. Long relationships or one-night stands? Long relationships

42. Dogs or cats? Dogs

43. Scary movies or comedies? Scary movies

44. Short or long hair on the opposite sex? Depends on the guy, Jared with longer hair, Jensen with his short, Jeff with long hair.

45. Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons

46. Sitcoms or dramas? Drama

47. CDs or radio? CDs!

48. Friday or Saturday? Saturday

IN THE PAST THREE DAYS, HAVE YOU.

52. Talked on the phone? Yes

53. Watched a movie? The Eye with Jessica Alba

54. Cried? When I left my brother at the airport this morning.

55. Smoked? Frequently

56. Drank a glass of water? Bottles

57. Used drugs? Yes

58. Read a book or magazine? No

59. Watched TV? Definitely

60. Looked in the mirror? Couldn't be helped, it is above the sink!

61. Taken a shower? Yes

62. Taken a picture? Rolls of it since I was in Hawaii

63. Listened to music? A lot!

64. Told someone you love them? I told Kevin and my husband daily!

65. End Time: 9:44 AM