My needs # 3. Financial security

houseandmoney

A need is something that you feel anxious about if you do not have it. Once you have it the pain goes away. The gaping hole in my life where my financial security used to be has caused me much gut-wrenching anxiety in the past 18 months.

Yet no-body, including myself, wants to talk about money.

People spend a lot of time talking about what can be bought with money but not the money itself. People will discuss their travel, clothes, gadgets, houses, and cars. However, they do not discuss much about the money itself or where it comes from or how to get it or how much you need. In fact, in some circles a discussion on money is taboo. It is almost as if you are thought less of a person if you discuss money; and that thinking about money, or the lack of it, it is not a prized value to have.

After my separation, I initially spent a long-time focussing on emotional aspects of losing my partner and soul-mate, my fractured family unit, and the pain of the overwhelming grief, sadness and anxiety I felt about my changed life. Then during my recovering phase I spent some time re-evaluating my values, beliefs and attitudes of trust, kindness, compassion, hope, peace, courage etc No where amongst all that was there anything to do with money.

Part of that relates to the guilt of putting any importance on money. In the very beginning after a separation, when you are faced with abandonment, you do not care a toss about any material possession. There is a cathartic realisation that none of that matters. What matters is people and love and care and kindness. So months later when you start becoming very anxious about your changed financial affairs, you remember back that you concluded that money does not matter, and you feel guilty that now you think that maybe it does.

The truth is that even though we all do not want to talk about it, we all do need it in some form or another, and the changed money situation after a divorce can be catastrophic. I am not talking about greed, such as having innumerable world trips or accumulating beautiful things, I am talking about survival. Having adequate funds so that you can pay the bank debt or house mortgage or rent, pay for utilities, afford good medical care, be able to afford to see your family, then maybe having just a little left over for some savings. But above all, there is the need for some reassurance that what you now have will also not be lost, that this ‘less than half of the former estate’ will not somehow disappear by some other catastrophe.

I know that the values of human kindness and compassion are important. I understand that true happiness lies in seeking out long-lasting experiences of savouring pleasant moments, being grateful for what I have, and seeking out human connections. However, I also do crave that one day I will again own my own home debt-free, that I will be able to comfortably pay my bills on time, that I will have no credit card debt, and that I will be able to put away so that I will have adequate retirement savings for me to enjoy a financial-stress-free old age.

Maybe when that time comes, the anxiety at the pit of my stomach will ease.

I have added “Financial Security” to the list of my own fundamental needs.

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Image courtesy [Stuart Miles] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My attitudes # 1 – It begins with hope

My attitudes #  1 – Hope

‘Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom’ Robert Kennedy after the assassination of Martin Luther King quoting Edith Hamilton’s translation of a poem by Aeschylus from Agamemnon.

I have always been an optimistic person. I have always looked on the bright side of life. I am inherently a ‘glass half full’ person. I have always made the best of it when it rained, shrugged off grizzles from strangers and acquaintances, picked myself up from minor falls and carried on. My optimism has been coupled with a belief in solving my own problems, researching for the best solutions, and having the courage to take required actions. I have applied this way of thinking to health and other issues for myself; my children; my business; and in my community involvements. Optimism is making the best outcome from any situation, by propelling myself into positive action.

On the other hand, I have always held a degree of cynicism towards people who put their trust in hope. To me ‘hope’ always meant ‘blind faith’, a belief or vision without any real evidence that things will work ……. simply sitting back and waiting for something to happen. Waiting for something to resolve, waiting for someone or something to come along and rescue you. Waiting for ‘it’ to happen, and sometimes not even knowing what ‘it’ will be. Sitting glumly waiting for things to improve – ‘hoping’ things will change. People who ‘hope’ sit waiting for someone to fill up the glass.

Not for me……the glass is half full. I may not have a full glass as I wanted, but there is still half a glass. I may as well quench my thirst and enjoy it while I can; ……. or water my plants and watch them grow.

However………………..

What happens if there is no ‘half-full’ – only empty?
What happens if the glass breaks?
What happens if the glass not only breaks but shatters into a trillion fragmented pieces?
What happens if the glass cannot be repaired, if the drink is lost, if you cannot refill?
What if all that you had is totally irreparable?
What if all that you were striving for, all your dreams and aspirations are gone forever?

What then?

For someone who has always looked on the bright side – and there is now seemingly no bright side; for someone who has always picked themselves up – and yet here I am seemingly still on the ground; for someone who always made the best of a bad situation, who has always turned situations around – yet here I am seemingly still stuck in a groove……

for that someone – and that someone is me – I see that there are now two choices for me

despair

or

hope 

I have decided to chose hope.

For I know now that hope is a precursor to optimism. Whereas optimism requires evidence – hope is a vision. Hope is that first little spark, that inner belief that things will turn out OK. Hope is imagining a good outcome from a seemingly hopeless situation. Hope is the initial desire to get better, to have an improved situation. Hope is the realisation that all is not lost. Hope is knowing there is still much to be grateful for. Hope is finding kindness amongst all the distrust.

Hope is that vision, that belief, that ‘blind faith’ before you take action.

Hope is good. Hope is great. Hope is fantastic.

Looking back at my own life, looking back at my overcoming previous adversities, I realise now that I have always begun with hope. I have always begun with a vision. I have always begun with a belief in myself. I have always begun with that spark within me that propelled me into optimistic action.

“Hope is what happens when the pain eases a bit; and deep down inside, you find your true grit.” Catherine DeVrye from ‘Hope happens’

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It is finished!!!!

Over the past six months, despite my attempts at upbeat posts and a determination to carve a positive way forward, simmering underneath has been the constant dealing with divorce process “stuff”. Overwhelming and overpowering, like a ton of bricks weighing down on my shoulders as I have trudged slowly through a sea of mud – yes, all the metaphors apply.

Now it is finished – not the whole divorce process – but at least the burden of the gathering of financial information, the finding the financial records, the putting it altogether for accountants and lawyers, the presenting it all in a logical format, the attendance of meetings, the long phone calls, the constant stress, the forever ending burden of trying to find an extra eight hours a day from nowhere. Day and night for six months!

And even though I have asked myself over and over and over as to why it is ME who has been left with this burden, and even though not once have I received a logical explanation; today it does not matter, today I do not care, today it is over, today I am free.

Today I can cook, or clean, or go and have my hair cut, or sort my linen out, or weed the garden, or write, or phone a friend, or go down town, or do some blogging.  Today I can do what I want. Normal stuff.

My beliefs # 1 Peace

Peace
“A state of harmony characterized by lack of conflict and freedom from fear”
“Freedom from disturbance”
“Quiet and tranquility”
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In reflecting on who I am and what I have always believed in ‘Peace’ is one of the first words that springs to my mind. I have always been a believer in peaceful resolutions of global conflicts. I believed in and indeed have contributed to peaceful solutions to national, community and workplace disagreements. I believed in conflict-free relationships. I believed in striving for my own inner peace.
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Then along came the dreaded ‘D’ pelting me with its intense hurricane force destroying everything in its wake and leaving my previous life in tatters including my former beliefs and attitudes. The beliefs I strongly held for world peace, social justice and community harmony have been shoved aside for someone else to manage. It is enough that I survive  my own personal storm. The storm of the harsh reality of my former life partner being on the other side of dividing lines. A physical dividing line. An emotional dividing line. A financial dividing line by the required splitting of our assets. Always now a dividing line.
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For me there is still intense pain whenever I cast my thoughts to any of these divisions now between us. Here I am a believer in conflict-free relationships, a strong believer in harmony, and of tranquility. Yet, in regard to the one relationship I had formerly considered as the most sacred, I wondered whether there would ever come a time when there could be peace between us again.
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A few weeks ago I read this fantastic poem titled “Peace In The Uncommon Ground”. I think this is a brilliant poem and I have copied it below. The poem describes firstly finding peace within yourself and then for that sereneness to transmit to the other person allowing them to find their own inner peace and then peace between each other happens by finding common ground. Brilliant!
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After reading this poem, I realised that there were internal conflicts I struggled with. Should I have some contact with my husband for the children’s sake, or not see him for the sake of my own peace of mind? Should I stay in our former home with its now bittersweet memories, or go through the hassle of moving? Should I get stuck in and finish some work that needs doing or shall I sit back and enjoy the sunshine? Should I remain the resilient stable dependable one or break away and fly off on some exotic adventure?
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I had always been a contented person yet now I was battling with an inner turmoil that never existed before. I had lost my inner peace.
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I have taken steps over the past 12 months of finding peace. I enjoy living in today. I have embraced solitude. I have let go of the illusion of the happy-ever-after. I have forgiven the betrayal and the abandonment..Whilst all these actions are helpful, to some extent it is a self-protecting method of escapism – a means of avoiding reality. The reality of the full ramifications of the end of our marriage. The reality of the tortuous divorce process. The reality of starting out again – by myself. I had been attempting to place peace on top of chaos.
.In order to find peace with others in my life, I have to first find my own inner peace. In order to find inner peace, I have to first rid myself of the chaos, disorder and confusion that has found a home within me. To rid myself of the confusion, I need to untangle my competing beliefs and discard those aspects of my life that are no longer important to me. This will become the next part of my journey, the path to inner peace.
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Peace In The Uncommon Ground
Louise Gallagher
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In the uncommon ground between us
I must first make peace
with where I stand
to make room
for you to be
at peace
with where ever you are

In finding peace
with where we’re at
the path
to the common ground
appears
for peace to grow
between us.

Interlude – it’s not fair but I’m Ok

It seems as if, no matter how positive you try and be, sometimes in life you take five steps forward then something happens and it is like being hit over the head again, and you plunge downwards again. Over the past week, I have been trying to get our agreed settlement to line up with the divorce legal process. This has not been all that easy due some complexities in our financial affairs. It has taken four days and two nights out of my life this week accompanied by much distress.

Meanwhile my husband is enjoying himself somewhere in the south of France.

Rather than tarnish this blog with a pronounced “it’s not fair” attitude that I know gets one nowhere, I thought that I would point you to two people who describe my mood this week. Firstly; to another blogger who went through a temporary ‘rant‘ recently and has since recovered and continues her positive journey through life. It is great to know that I am not alone. Secondly; to this song below performed by Whitney Houston that says it all about being determined of making it on your own, despite it seeming unfair.

As for me; midweek I got up from the floor, dusted myself off, and did what had to be done by wading through the muddy puddle that appeared in the middle of my track. I figured that there is no point in trying to walk around it as there are cliffs on either side.

I am visiting my eldest son and family this weekend, and on Monday I will resume my onward journey. I am going to make it anyway. 🙂

“It’s not right, but it’s okay I’m gonna make it anyway”.  Whitney Houston

My values # 1 Trust

Trust

In an earlier post I explored my basic life needs. At the time, I was in complete crisis due to my husband leaving our marriage. I had lost companionship, dreams for the future, family order, stability, self-esteem, emotional and financial security. I had been thrown into a world of chaos. It helped to nurture my basic needs and I spent some months focussing on my home, health, diet and cocooning myself in a familiar safe routine. Gradually I started to heal and come out of my deep pain. I felt I had worked through the issues of our separation and I started focussing on my higher level needs of self-esteem and self-fulfillment.

But there was something holding me back and stopping my progress, something missing, something niggling at me. It was as if one of my basic needs was not being met or there was something I had still not worked through. Then it came to me.

It was trust. I had lost trust.

When you have trust none of the other things in life matter. It comes first and foremost before food, before shelter, before good health and well-being. If you have trust it wraps around you like a warm blanket and protects you at night. It goes with you inside you throughout your day and makes you glow with love and gratitude. Trust makes you see sunshine when the rain comes and the cold winds blow. Trust makes you feel strong so you can conquer your fears. It allows you to speak and stand up for yourself. Trust gives you the confidence to do the right thing and to be true to yourself. Trust is your security, your inner core of happiness and your stability that you take with you wherever you go.

In our marriage we had trust. It was one value we both shared with pride. It was unspoken trust. When you own deep trust, there is no need to speak the words, there is no need to make the affirmation, because it is just there.

In that very first instant of my husband telling me he was leaving me it was the shattered trust that pierced my heart and caused me my greatest pain. A pain so deep that pushing it into my deep sub-conscious was the only way I could survive. That is where I had pushed it on the very first hour of the very first day on my own and there it had remained.

I can find companionship. I can regroup our broken family unit. I can take on board my depleted asset base and begin building my finances. All this is possible in time. What can I do without trust? How can I survive without trust? I need trust. I need to be able to trust.

This is where I have come to the conclusion that focussing on our ‘needs’ first is upside down. Underpinning our needs are our values. It is our values that are at the core of our being. Our values are who we are deep down inside us. Our values give us the blue print for how to live our lives. Our values underpin what we give.

Yes, trust is a ‘need’, something we take. Trust is also a ‘value’, something we give.

Deep down inside me I know that at the core of my being there is still trust, my own inbuilt trust imbedded as a value as the essence of my soul. This trust has not been broken or lost, the value of trust that I live by.

This is where my real healing begins, returning to my own core beliefs and values, and living by them every day. My # 1 value is trust.  I believe that if I live by trust, if I give trust, if I continue to live my own life in a trustworthy fashion; if I trust myself; then I know that in time trust as a ‘need’ will be returned to me. I resolve today that I will hold onto trust as one of my core values.

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

Week 28 – The second wave of pain

Six months into this divorce process and I was hit with the reality of our lost retirement plans. The financial security we would have had together that now had to be divided into less than half as costs and more costs and even more costs were added in ….or rather taken off. There was this unknown factor of starting over all by myself and whether that could be done at all. I was 58 and there were few years left for me to make it all work out.

Then the pain came again.

No-one told me about this second wave of pain. I have never read about this second wave of pain. There was firstly the emotional side; the human side; the airy-fairy living in la-la-land side. And then there was reality. I had put off thinking about reality. It was like a second grief process and it was hitting me right in the eyes. This second wave of grief began washing over me and in my scrambled brain I realized it was all the same emotions – the same stages to go through. The shock at the harsh reality of the figures – the anger at being put in this position by the one I had loved most – the yearning for a secure retirement that we would have had but now did not – the depression of wondering how I would survive, how I would manage – and the pain, the excruciating pain…….it was back again. And I am swimming now, swimming, swimming, and swimming. I am in this raging current again and unable to reach the shore. Once again, I yearn for the past. Once again, I fear the future. Once again I cannot cope in yesterday or tomorrow. Once again I survive by blocking them out. Once again I survive by living in the moment, in today.

Once again, I am sitting watching the sunrise. It does not let me down. Once again, it is magnificent.