You're this close...

almost_madeit @ 2008-01-05T23:03:00

2008-01-06T04:20:26Z

Continued from here

She seems to be doing better. Not through much of my doing, but she does seem to be doing better.

I had a hell of a time keeping her in bed all day the last couple days, and she insisted on getting up to cook a time or two, but after four days of bed rest, I figured it was okay for her to be up and about. Not that she had anything to worry about doing. No way was I going to let her go back to working at Lorne's right away, and Lorne agreed, giving her a couple weeks off. Paid, even. Guess the green guy really likes her. And with money coming in, that seemed to convince her that it would be alright to indulge me and let me keep her in bed.

In my bed. Didn't move her back to the one she had across the hall.

Kept the temptation right there in my bed. And let me just say, she was definitely tempting. Yeah, even now, vulnerable gets me every time. But I was a good boy. For her healing body's sake.

I brought tea a lot, and she even convinced me to get a membership at the video store down the street. Said she might want to broaden my taste in movies. Aside from the tea, I got her to eat a little here and there. Until she couldn't take it anymore and hobbled out of bed with the excuse that I couldn't keep making her things. I think she just wanted to not feel like a nuisance for a second. Of course she made enough for me too. Right before I carried her back to bed and then brought trays up for the both of us.

Didn't tell her that I brought her things over from her apartment. I didn't want her to think about that at all. I'm guessing she figured it out when I had new clothes for her to change into, but I didn't bring it up. If she wants to move back into her apartment, she can, but for now, I want people to think she's gone, disappeared.

And I want her to have her own space here. With her things so she can claim it as hers.

Hopefully, I can convince her to start some training soon. We'll start slow, help her muscles stretch back out and get loose again. I want her to feel safe. Here or wherever she decides to be.

almost_madeit @ 2007-09-01T20:32:00

2007-09-02T00:32:45Z

Quietly I keep the fact that Angel picked out the worlds cheesiest movie. He meant well and I'm sure I can sit through it without dozing off...I might fall asleep but it's something that my body needs anyhow. He's sweet enough to want to sit with someone who looks so broken right now and just keep me company. "The cookies are good," I tell him, giving him a real smile as I watch his actions as he moves around the room; making sure everything is in its right place.

Angel is out of the room again before I can tell him not to worry about the TV or the fact that I am able enough to go into the other room to save him the effort. He seems to want to ignore what is going on here too and I can't be the one to deny him any of that same kindness he's showing me. "I think TV's are helpful these day's," I comment with a half smile - any more would just hurt.

When he slips into bed with me I sink back into the pillows only to notice the look on his face when he gets back up. He starts fumbling with the case and searching for the eject button on the DVD player. I shake my head and carefully slip out, taking gentle steps over to him and offer my help. "Let me help." I reach out and take the case from him, not laughing at the fact that it's a 'special edition' and has one of those new DVD cases with the side snaps. "I'm not a fan of the new cases either." I pull them both open and pull out the disk, handing it to Angel before pushing the power and then eject button on the DVD player.

The thought of kissing his cheek crosses my mind, but the thought of pulling any extra muscles made me cringe. So I settle on a gentle kiss on his shoulder before padding my way back to the bed, noticing the ice cream becoming less ice and more cream. "You're going to have to help me get rid of this, I think you brought enough for a linebacker." I laugh and get into the bed, pulling the bowl onto my lap and digging into a big spoonful.

almost_madeit @ 2007-05-15T17:53:00

2007-05-15T22:28:31Z

Continued from this post.

It's been days.

Days.

She would have called, wouldn't she? She wouldn't have just up and left. Right?

Tara's not like that. She wouldn't just leave without telling me. I know it was only one night, but I comforted her after her nightmares, we played miniature golf, she helped me. It's not like she would disappear.

I tried getting ahold of Lorne, but the bartender always hung up on me.

I'm really trying not to imagine if her demons really had gotten to her. Could they have hauled her away? Hurt her? She would have called.

I stare at the line of light still gleaming through the curtains, waiting...waiting...waiting for it to go away. Los Angeles sunsets seem to linger unusually long. Sometimes I hate that. I watch as the strip changes from golden to orange to reddish on the carpet. I'm out of here the minute it's gone.

I can't seem to get to her apartment quick enough, and I bang on the door, "Tara. Tara, it's Angel. Are you okay?" She's got to be in there. She's got to be okay. She just has to be.

almost_madeit @ 2007-04-27T23:18:00

2007-04-28T03:39:54Z

Continued from here

She's out of my lap before I barely even realize it, talking some nonsense about not showering with me. I did say talk while we shower, right? Not that it wouldn't be completely tempting having her wet and naked, but...I don't want her to disappear just yet. The afterglow's still glowing. At least she's up for some...cuddling. Yeah, grown vampire. Likes to cuddle.

Anyway.

Sighing, I slowly stand, feeling a little bit of strain on my wounds, and carefully zip up. I'm already messy, a little more on my pants won't hurt. Padding softly to my bedroom, I can already hear the water running. Is she going to join me then?

I toss my shirt in the hamper, and am about to do the same with my pants and then decide not to push things what with the question about boy parts still lingering.

Easing the door open, I don't give her any warning so that she can't bolt, because she was seeming a little skittish. "You gonna join me? I've got a few boy parts if you're curious?" I say teasing lightly, closing the door behind me. Coming up behind her at the mirror, I lean down and kiss her shoulder since I don't want to get my sticky hands all over her. "It doesn't bother me if you're not experienced with men, if that's what you mean, Tara."

almost_madeit @ 2007-04-01T16:43:00

2007-04-01T20:43:49Z

[Continued from here]

A chill runs over my spine and I take the moment to boldly slip my hands beneath his jacket, the fabric of his shirt slipping through my fingers as I wrap my arms around him. Our kisses becoming more of a need with each moment.

I can feel his fingers move over my skin and I sigh softly against his lips, feeling him press me towards is body again, my body molds to his and for a moment it's almost like we fit.

My eyes flutter closed as his lips trail down my jaw, my breath coming out in gasps the more he touches me. Kisses me. Whispers against my skin.

The weight of his words hits me and I find myself reaching up to touch his face, leaning into his touch as his fingers dance across my cheek. "I've never..." I'm thankful for the darkness that keeps me hidden as I blush. "Never liked someone like this before." Especially a boy. "I like you too, Angel."

It feels very high school but I don't run from it and I gently tighten my grip on him, threading my fingers in his hair and pulling him to me for another kiss. "Please," I whisper against his lips. "Don't stop."

almost_madeit @ 2007-03-20T22:06:00

2007-03-21T02:20:41Z

Definitely some sexual frustration last night. Enough that I was still awake to wish Tara good luck in the morning before she left. Not that I couldn't have done something about it, maybe got myself some sleep, but it didn't seem right, her right in the other room, and me wanting her so much - too much - that I had to find my own pleasure when I'd ruined hers earlier.

Anyway.

I slept later, once she left, knowing without the sound of her I wouldn't get caught concentrating on the sound of her heartbeat and end up not sleeping a wink.

Well, some blood, a wickedly hot shower, and some black clothes later, I was in Caritas being handed yet another pink drink by my favorite green demon and getting a pat on the shoulder with the words, "stick with her, Angelcakes, you're doing the right thing. You're doing the right thing, Angelpie," muttered like a breeze past my ear.

I raised an eyebrow and set the drink back on the bar, watching Tara work, trying to wait patiently until her shift was over.

almost_madeit @ 2007-03-15T18:54:00

2007-03-15T23:13:12Z

After Tara's confession that morning, I was feeling like I couldn't possibly leave her side, some imaginary fear that I would let her down if something did happen just because I was in the next room.

She had some big final the next day, so I offered to help her study for it, or at least provide entertaining breaks and sneaks while she did the studying. I'm not sure she really thought she was going to get anything done, but she accepted my offer anyway.

We cleared out one of the other rooms, one with some big couches and chairs, a nice den with a big coffee table and carpet that still seemed springy under our feet. It took some sneezing and coughing, but we managed to get it pretty dust free. I guess if I had a television, we could put it in here.

I let her settle in with her notes and books, and tottered off to a nearby store to rustle up some snacks, even under her protests that I wasn't well enough to go outside. I hadn't been outside in nearly a week, and I soon persuaded her that I would be fine, and I would be back before she could blink. I didn't really want to leave her side, but it seemed like she could use some space after spending all day with me, and I...needed a little bit of a breather. Sure, I could control myself, but I wasn't made of stone.

I...might have gotten a little carried away with the snacks. It's not like I've catered to co-eds much, so I just kind of combined Cordy's need for chocolate with Wes' need for something salty, and got a little of everything. She could use some spoiling, right?

"Hey, the snack patrol's back," I said with a grin as I plopped everything down in the den after putting the ice cream in the freezer.

this close to finding your place in this world…

2007-03-12T04:16:53Z

It had been two days since Angel stumbled down the stairs at Caritas and we were finding ourselves in a quiet rhythm that just seemed to come naturally. Since I didn’t have class I studied while he slept, kept him company during the day – talking about just about anything that amounted to nothing – and just enjoyed the quiet when I wasn’t working at the club.

Everytime I went in, Lorne would smile at me and pat me on the shoulder, telling me I was doing the right thing. I wasn’t sure what he meant but as long as he was happy and I kept my job, I was happy.

”Make yourself useful, Tara. Always be useful.”

So that’s what I did. As Angel slept – after a bit of arguing that he wasn’t fully healed – I took over cleaning duties and scrubbed down the kitchen; thankful that I packed a pair of old jeans and bleach stained T-shirt. After much urging from Angel I started to feel a bit more at ease here, not asking if it was okay to use the kitchen or use the tea that was in the large office.

My hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail as I finished scrubbing down the last counter, the kitchen smelled of bleach, but the scent of the pasta sauce overpowered it and filled the room. Between cleaning I started dinner, the radio said that the rainstorm they were expecting was coming faster than predicted and the last thing I wanted was to have dinner only half done and most likely ruined if the power went out.

I stood and stretched, hearing my back pop a few times as I stood back up from cleaning the lower shelf of the counter, a soft sigh escaping my lips as I looked around the room and smiled at how nice everything looked. I managed to get the main hall mopped and the front desk cleaned before I came in here; I had plans for other rooms but between the time and the way my body felt. I was done.

Washing my hands I walk over to the stove and check the sauce, tasting that it was done before checking the pasta. A noise behind me startled me and I jumped, spinning around and sighing when I saw Angel standing at the door. “Hey,” I say, turning back to the pot and start the task of draining the pasta. “Sorry if I woke you, I t-tried not to. I wa-nted to get some things done before the storm hit, they say it’s going to be worse than they thought.” I shrug, putting the pasta in a large bowl and adding oregano before mixing it up. “Food is done but I’m going to change into something not bleach scented. I w-wasn’t sure where you wanted to eat so if you want to set us up…” I blushed slightly. “If you’re up for it and since you know where the plates are.”

almost_madeit @ 2007-02-20T21:52:00

2007-02-21T02:53:20Z

The Powers That Be always seem to have better ideas about the ways Wes, Cordy, and I can spend our time. Wes had just gotten the paranoia demon out of my hotel (well, okay, it wasn't my hotel, but I wanted it, and I wanted some privacy for a little brooding, you know? I don't think I was the only one with that want...)

Anyway.

Cordy's whining about dust and Wes is waxing on about the demon, and the magic involved, giving us all a grand...something about what we should be impressed by when I'm speeding to a surprisingly unfashionablly overall-clad Cordelia to keep her from landing face first in mop water. Wes has my back with painkillers and water and a mind for detail as words, images start spewing from Cordy. Usually, that doesn't happen, usually we have to have the pills and the coaxing of details through deep, deep breaths, or hurried panting that we'll get going before something bad happens, but not this time. This one seems to be important and The Powers are flashing info with neon signs. Specifics this time, Very specifics.

Some kind of book, some kind of spell, some kind of talisman.

Yeah, so I'm a little sketchy on the details.

It really doesn't matter since Wes doesn't have any of them. Before either of us can say anything about checking the local magic shops, Cordy's bouncing and clapping her hands and dragging Wes along saying...roadtrip?

And they keep telling me I need to get out more.

Wes looks like he might throw up, but it looks like they're off to Sunnydale anyway. Somewhere I really don't want to think about, and thankfully both of them have the sense not to invite me along.

Left to my own devices, I start in on the hotel like a train wreck. Paint, linens, a severe dusting in the suite - the same suite I had in the '50's - so that my nose doesn't wrinkle every time I set foot in it. The place is kind of growing on me, but that also means I'm out of stuff to do and training is only keeping me satisfied for part of the day.

That's not what I meant.

Not that I'm thinking about the girl from Lorne's - Tara - because I'm not. Just because when I came back to get a little bit deeper of a reading, and all I got was a friendly pat on the shoulder and the words: 'Stick with her, you'll find your way' doesn't mean I'm thinking about her at all.

At all.

Lorne could have meant her in the figurative sense, maybe a case, or the PTB gig. He could've meant Cordy, or Buffy, or anything really. So why I'm thinking about that shy voice, I don't know.

Suffice it to say, I'm feeling a little antsy and want some ass to kick. Wes mentioned some demons that might have the talisman that we're looking for, and if I can find it, that'll cut down some of their time in Sunnydale and lessen the chances of me having to go there. I can't... Not right now. Not after... Some days I wish I didn't remember that day we had to give back. Then there are others where I cling to it like nothing else. But like I said, demons. Clangor demons. Yellow, kind of an orangish stripe with spines and nasty teeth. Wes says they come out most often at sunset. They like the romantic twillight or some such.

A contact of mine finds me a few and a day or two later, I've got them in a park, teeth slashing way too close to my duster. I snap one neck, but that only makes the other two furious. Threesome, anybody? One snags me with those teeth, and I feel a burning sensation ripping through my skin. Okay, it might have been good of Wes to mention poisonous venom. Poisonous venom is definitely bad.

No talisman, and right now I'm the one getting my ass kicked. I stumble back, stabbing at one quickly, through it's chest, not the way to kill it, but enough to get it to back off. The other scrapes my back with its teeth instead of my chest like it did before. It gets a swipe in to my leg but I get a crack in at it with my sword, and it makes the cut, but I get the kill.

And get really woozy.

Clothes are slashed, and I try to make it back to my car, but realize there's no way I can drive like this. Lorne, my fuzzy mind supplies. Caritas is nearby. I drag myself, stumbling, gasping against walls at the stabs of pain, and doubling over when I finally see the doorway.

I'm there, I think, reaching hazily for the door handle, and tumbling down the stairs as I pass out for a moment.

Someday I’ll need to stand tall again, stronger...

2007-02-04T20:08:04Z

“Come on, Sugarplum, it’s your turn for the stage.” Lorne kept nudging me and I shook my head.

“Not ready.” How about a week from never? No, I didn’t think so.

“You came here for a reason and we’re not going to know it until…” he insisted; yet again.

I sighed and shook my head, looking up at him. “I came looking for a job,” I point out to him and he just shrugs. Apparently singing for him is part of the application; I don’t understand how or why he won’t let me just sing privately, I’m not a public singer. I blush singing in the shower…

“I’m a persistent demon and I know you have an angelic set of pipes on you. It’ll do this place some good tonight.” He grimaced as another quite bad rendition of ‘I will survive’ was belted out by another demon on stage.

Dragging my fingers through my hair I relent and look down at my feet. “Alright,” I whisper, laughing slightly at his joyous reaction and leaving me with Hilda to pick out my music. It was easy the song I wanted to sing, it was simple and soft and I knew that it was easiest to sing from the heart and after everything that happened that’s all my heart was looking for.

Never before had five minutes seemed to last hours. The urge to turn and bolt for the door was licking its flames at my heals; yet I’m just frozen in place, pulling at my sleeves to my army green shirt as I lean against the wall, getting my bearings and trying to tune Lorne out when he gets up on stage, telling the crowded demon bar that they were in for a treat…that was still up for debate.

I stop tugging at my sleeves and walk up to the stage, standing on the new – slime free – stool that Lorne pulled out for me. I sit and hook the back of my shoes to the rung at the bottom, placing my hands in my lap and closing my eyes as the soft melody of the guitar fills my ears. I tune everything but the music out. Nothing in the room but the guitar and the memories in my mind…

I felt the faint trace of thunder
Rattle this old house
I saw the fire light the sky
But there's no sign of rain anywhere

“You need…you need to be with the person you l-love…” I whispered.

“I know, Tara…I am and…but…it’s Oz and…” Willow stammered over her words, a sad smile on my lips as I reached for her hands and pulled her to the beat up couch in the corner of my room.

I nod and brush her red hair from her eyes. “I know, it’s okay. I wouldn’t want you to be w-with someone you didn’t…”

“But I do…”

“But it’s Oz and…” My smile turns even sadder as I hide behind my hair. “You have another chance. Embrace it. W-we can still be f-friends…” I didn’t want it to sound like a line; it wasn’t meant to be. But it was, wasn’t it…

“We will.” Broken promises. Another thing that wasn’t meant to be.

I need a hurricane
To empty out this place
Seems it's the only way
To salvage any sense I have left
To move on

Two…three…four times her phone rang; I nervously bit my lip and waited for the answering machine to pick up. ‘It’s Willow, you know to wait for the beeping thing…’ I sighed. “Hey Willow, it’s Tara…just thought that…Never mind. I called and, you have my number.” I’ve only called…too many times for me not to be embarrassed about.

I'm waiting
To hear your voice again
And lighten up this heart
I'm holding on to stupid memories
But I see you in every little thing

I shifted my books in my arms, my head tipping to the side as I saw a note stuck to my door, my name written neatly on it. Pulling it down I make my way into the dorm and set my books down on the desk. I pull the paper out and sit at the desk as I read.

Tara,
Hey, it’s Willow and well…I got your message..es…and I’ve been meaning to get back to you but since Oz came back well. I’m sure you guessed things have been busy and such.
Things with the gang are good and all that stuff and I want to get in touch with you again, talk and stuff but…I can’t sadly seem to find the time. I wanted to steal you away this weekend for some talking and…
Oz gave me some news and I can’t see that happening. I’m sorry, I want it too but…
See, he’s um…He’s taking me to Tibet with him, he wants to show me all the things he learned and so we can learn more together and…

I’m sorry, I really am…

- Willow

PS! You know my Email and if I get a time/place to check it I hope to hear from you…

I need a hurricane
To straighten out this place
It maybe the only way
To salvage any sense I have left
To move on

Class…Study…Sleep…Eat… Rinse and repeat.

Things became pretty routine for me after Willow went away. I’m happy for her I just…I miss my friend and knowing that there was someone else that was into magic like I was. It was nice to have someone to talk to that I wouldn’t feel like I needed to hide…I haven’t had that since mamma died.

With my birthday coming up I had even more worries that by far overshadowed the pangs of loneliness that made a home in the pit of my stomach.

I need a hurricane
To ravage through place
I think it's the only way
To salvage any sense
I have left
To move on

Everything turned on its axis a week before I turned twenty. The three people I wished to see no more showed up and…I was alone with nobody to turn to. “Cousin Beth…”

“Hello Cousin. You didn’t think we’d let your birthday come and go without…”

“N-no I didn’t…I…”

“You didn’t. You’re nothing but selfish Tara Maclay! You go off and leave your father and brother to do such tedious things as cooking and laundry. That’s your place and we know it.” I stayed quiet, emotions churning in the pit of my stomach. “Your father is parking with your brother, won’t they be tickled pink to see that their sweet Tara’s okay.”

“F-father and Donnie…”

“Yes, we’ve come to take you home. Your place is with us. Why don’t you make things easier for us and get your bag now. I doubt anyone here in this new ‘life’ you have is going to want anything to do with you once they know that you’re nothing but a filthy demon under human skin…”

I swallowed hard and looked down, feeling defeated and nodding. “I’ll g-go get my things…W-wait here, I don’t h-have much and…”

“Stop stammering and just go. I’m getting a headache.” Cousin Beth sat on the bench and I crossed my arms over myself. I hurried back to the dorm and packed; but I wasn’t going back down there, I couldn’t go back home. I wasn’t home to me since Mamma died and…

When I left the first time I was determined to make a life for myself; to find myself and be happy. That’s what I was going to do.

Biting my lip I gather the few things I can – laptop, a few books, things that were precious to me and some clothes – before locking my door, leaving the keys inside and heading down the back stairs of the building and hoping I could catch the local bus to the Greyhound before they found me…

I felt the faint trace of thunder
But there's no sign of rain anywhere
No, there's no sign of you anywhere

The memories of the past year faded as last note left my lips and the music stopping a moment later as I took a deep breath, I opened my eyes and found a pair of dark brown eyes piercing into me. I found myself staring back, my spine tingling and my own eyes unable to look away until Lorne drug me off the stage, muttering that I was starting to look like a deer in headlights.

almost_madeit @ 2007-02-03T22:33:00

2007-02-04T17:18:48Z

I can't really believe we made it out of that alive. Vocah. Office exploding. Vocah. Wolfram & Hart. Who I'm sure are just waiting in the shadows for their chance to come out and make things messy again. Can't wait.

We've all been excited about the Shanshu thing. The whol summer it's been Shanshu this and Shanshu that, and I'm starting to wonder when it's all going to blow up in our faces and turn out to be some kind of joke. Because I don't know if I could handle that.

And that is why I'm at Caritas. Wes said there's some demon here, Lorne, reads auras. Can tell you if you're on the right path. I don't want Wes and Cordy looking at me with that sad, 'I'm sorry face' if it all ends up that Shanshu thing is a fake. At least this way, maybe we'll know what's happening, and we can ignore the big prophecy and go on with our lives.

It's been almost...a frenzy, trying to rack up the demons, clean out the city, get me closer to that atonement. But some part of me...says this isn't how you do it. We're going about this the wrong way.

Besides, living with Cordy and Wes all summer, a guy's gotta get out once in awhile. No room to brood in there. Not to mention Dennis.

I breath in the...smoke and demon-y odors, and wait for my turn. And I'm not taking one of those Seabreezes no matter how many times Lorne offers me one. Too bad he spotted me on sight, otherwise I might have gotten a little time to myself for some quality brooding, but no, the talkers always seem to latch onto me. Yes, yes they do.

Ignoring Lorne's unintentionally annoying prattle, or nodding politely at set intervals, I breathe a sigh of relief when he gets up to go scold Ricardo on the lack of grapefruit or some such in his drink.

Not much to this crowd. The usual Bolton fans, a few Gloria Estefan throwbacks, and that guy over there is probably going to try Stairway to Heaven. And you know, they're all demons. Except...the girl I notice when some baby eater moves his head. Pretty sure that one's human. No real proof, but she seems too out of place not to be. Hmm. Have to see what she sings.