a treasure chest of lust and mortal sin

Love.

allthingsshiny — Tue, 07 May 2013 02:35:55 GMT

Sometimes you have to go 2000 miles to get to the one.

So worth it.

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allthingsshiny — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 14:52:51 GMT

It's already getting wild out here, and I've completely re-evaluated my definition of "behaving myself".

All the fun.

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everything came together perfectly

allthingsshiny — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 08:07:01 GMT

I'm in Nashville. In my beautiful house, with all my wonderful animals, and i'm in love with the man sleeping with his head on my lap right now.

all of the bullshit ... worth it, to be right here right now.

stuck in a loop

allthingsshiny — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 08:10:05 GMT

Feeling like I'm stuck in an ugly cycle.

I'm depressed, so I don't go out much. When I do, it's hard to interact and have a good time.

So I go out even less.

So i stay even more depressed, and morph into a neurotic hermit crazy cat lady.

No one comes over, so i don't bother to clean much. The basics are handled. the very basics.

I'm crocheting obsessively. Losing weight because there is no food here and going to the store is difficult. I cook the random things i have, when i have an appetite. I treadmill.

I'm a little worried about my apathy level. I don't put on music anymore. I haven't dyed my hair in ages. Anxiety levels through the roof.

I wish someone would come over and hang out and watch dumb movies and ... just hang out, really.

allthingsshiny — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 03:17:26 GMT

Put it all out there last night.

Got shot down.

There goes the self esteem i had left. argh.

Tennessee!

allthingsshiny — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 01:31:34 GMT

My boss approved my move today - I'm going to Nashville, motherfuckers!

Lots to do in prep - i need to sell stuff and raise some funding, finish my separation paperwork, patch up this condo, and get my stuff down to bare minimum. Don't care. gonna go! so happy!

Life has been real hard lately, but i'm do glad it has lead to something positive.

Procrastination ... again.

allthingsshiny — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 07:26:02 GMT

Supposed to be leaving noonish for the hot rod reunion tomorrow, after I work a half day. Supposed to be packed and ready to go. I had some beer and threw a couple t-shirts and seven pairs of underwear into a bag.

It's a two day trip.

I'll have to revise my packing tomorrow. Did get dishes done and ... well, I got dishes done.

Charles is staying here this weekend to watch the animals. One of the benefits of keeping things positive. Next week, he's taking his cats, and I'm gonna miss them a whole lot. Even though I'm allergic to Squishyface and Bobby is just weird, they've been companions for years now. Just like Charles.

Can't wait to get out of here. Looking for more work to save more money. Bought ramen and potatoes at the store. I'll be fat in Nashville, it's ok. I'll be in Nashville.

When is nighttime going to be less lonely? When will I not drink myself to sleep?

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dirty sheets

allthingsshiny — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 02:27:07 GMT

My therapist cancelled on me tonight. Which bummed me out, just a little, cause I've actually been making some progress. I'm having more good hours than bad ones. I go entire days without crying. I make myself jog before I start drinking. And hell, i'm even journaling again.

now i've got no reason to get dressed tonight.

So I stay inside. I'm washing my sheets because they are filthy and i'm looking forward to the feeling of a fresh clean bed at the end of the night. Even if it's to be enjoyed alone. Well, with as many cats as want to hang out. Usually no more than four or five at a time.

No dogs allowed on the bed. That was a special Flea privilege, and Flea's gone now. His ashes showed up the other day, UPS special delivery. The little cedar box is on the coffee table until I clear a space un the dead pet shelf.

I'm gonna have to clear a new dead pet shelf soon. It's getting full. Flea, Pirate, Hodgepodge, Sammy, Oberon, Grandpa Vinnie, Evil Ruby ... and all the rest are getting old.

Bakersfield this weekend for the California Hot Rod Reunion. I should be getting ready. I'm gonna get ready.

unburdening

allthingsshiny — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 05:33:53 GMT

Writing it all out last night took a huge load off my heart.

He was here today, and we talked about a lot of stuff. I know we can't be married. it's ok. It's upsetting, but it's ok. We can be friends. There's no anger, there's a lot of water under that bridge, a lot of good memories. We can be friends.

I feel better tonight. I actually don't feel the need to vodka myself unconscious. Maybe just some beer to take the edge off, just in case i'm not so ok when I'm lying in bed by myself later.

Maybe someday soon i'll be able to sleep with the light off.

what the fuck happened to my marriage?

allthingsshiny — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 08:48:37 GMT

He left me.

I don't want to be writing this down. I don't want to see it in print. I drop hints and talk about my misery and beg for support from my friends but i've not really written it down. and i'm thinking maybe i should. so here goes.

he left me.

We had our issues. I thought we'd work through them. I never understood why he would get so explosively angry. why he got so frustrated. why the fuse got shorter and shorter. I just tried to prevent the spark. It didn't work. It was always something.

There was counseling. Twenty dollars a session from the local christian college. Athiest marriages accepted. We couldn't afford better anyway. Quit that when we realized that we were paying $20 an hour for a stranger to moderate our arguments. I hoped we would work through future issues with things we learned there. but we didn't learn anything.

There was Farmageddon. I found myself making excuses for him. Trying to explain to new friends how we had a different type of relationship, independent, but inside i was dying - he wouldn't even pretend to participate most of the time. but i was still glad for the time he would play along. When Goddamn Gallows played and my back hurt so bad I couldn't stand up straight, i was glad to be leaning on him. Warmth and comfort. As with most of our trips i breathed a sigh of relief when we made it home without killing each other.

The next month is a blur, now. Lots of arguing. Digs at my appearance. Working overtime and trying to keep up with the house and not doing good enough, getting lectures and dirty looks when i sat down for a moment. Lots of yelling. and finally a calm conversation that tore my heart out. I'm going to move out, he says. I'll be gone by the end of the month. This is August. I'm not "in love". I need to be independent. I'm a better person without you.

I take my broken heart to Tennessee. To Muddy Roots. To some of the best friends I could ask for. The phone rings just before I get out of cell service. Motorcycle wreck. Hit and run and road rash and pain, pain, pain. I know what to expect when I get home. It's gonna be pain. I make friends and try not to think about it too much, but sad songs leave me crying in front of the stage. I'm glad he's alive.

One more month. He'd lined up an apartment and started moving in before I left for TN, but now all four limbs are bandaged. He needs lots of help. I break my own heart a dozen times a day taking care of the man who doesn't love me anymore. I know he won't stay even if the bandages are perfect. Even if all the laundry is done and dinner is ready and medications are doled out. He's jealous, too ... as if i had either the time or inclination to cheat. or the desire. Since i met him, it was only him in my mind. I could have gone the rest of my life with only him. Accusations hurt so bad. I change all my passwords.

At the end of September, once he regained the ability to put on his own shoes again, i tell him that if he's going to go he needs to go. I can't keep dragging it out. He agrees. I try to make the best of the days we have left. One day he tells me he's going to be staying at his own place, and I've slept alone since. His stuff disappears from here one truckload at a time. Every empty spot in the house makes me cry. The time difference between the decision and the moveout means it is like a whole new wound.

There's a new girl, now. Already. She makes him laugh, he says. I'm devastated and glad for him at the same time. I've got my plans. I don't want to date anyone, I want to stay focused and get myself the fuck out of southern california. I want a fresh start, far away.

I loved being married. I loved my wedding, i loved the vows i made. I loved my husband, faults and all. I never would have left him. I hope he finds happy. I hope I do too.

I took my ring off yesterday.

I miss him so, so much.

he left me.

love list

allthingsshiny — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 07:23:51 GMT

Things I love

vodka
electrical tape
banjos
mangoes with chili powder
lacing up my boots
kisses on my forehead
motorcycles
taking pictures
Sitting around a campfire
geisha
leopard print
postcards
nitromethane
hardwood floors
cartoons
pirate flags
cats
dogs
ferrets
horses
hedgehogs
all the other animals
making clients smile
swimming
getting tattooed
placing IV catheters
warm coats
the smell of purple hair dye
fried pickles
trains
red lipstick
going real fast
overcast days
my family
my friends
music
MUSIC
MUSIC!

it's time.

allthingsshiny — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 05:37:40 GMT

I'm gonna write again. If I can't drown it with vodka I'll try disarming it with type.

but first, treadmill. and a drink.

allthingsshiny — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 03:30:13 GMT

hmm. appears my twitter feed stopped updated to here. I'll have to look into that. eventually.

year in review

allthingsshiny — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:31:53 GMT

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before? Traveled across the country. Seriously considered pregnancy and childbearing. Set up a home office.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I did. My resolution was "party more" - specifically, to stop saying making excuses to stay in, and i did good. Saw a ton of bands, traveled, said yes. and i'll do it again this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? not that i recall. i overlook these things a lot though.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thankfully.

5. What new places did you visit? Everything between here and Cookeville, TN.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? a waistline.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Sept 3-4 - muddy roots music festival. Biggest deal of the year.

8. What is your biggest achievement of the year? Surviving an epic road trip without murdering my husband. Staying married.

9. What is your biggest failure? my big fat ass.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? none more than usual.

11. What was the best thing you bought? the super deluxe ferret cage.

12. Where did most of your money go? bills, bills, bills. and music.

13. What song will always remind you of 2011? "Victory Song" Scott H. Biram

14. How will you spend New Years? Spent it with friends of Charles'. drank too much.

15. What was your favorite TV program? Sons of Anarchy. No, Walking Dead. No, both.

16. What was the best book you read? Nothing really stands out.

17. What was your favorite music discovery? Peculiar Pretzelmen. Joe Buch. Scott H. Biram.

18. What did you want and get? an adventure.

19. What did you want and not get? the only thing i haven't got is a black denim vest. harder to find than one might think.

20. What was your favorite film this year? Well, Puss In Boots kinda made my day.

21. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 31. Went to dinner w/ mom and Charles, then saw many friends at my fav dive bar.

22. What kept you sane? My kitties.

23. Who was the best new person you met? My Canadian friend Jen. And I got a lot closer to Corinna.

24. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. Deal with the check engine light before the road trip.

25. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Another bender might break me
And it might take me down
But thats a chance that I'm taking
And I'll take one more round
So get out the gravy
And lets all get hellbound
Another bender might break me
But its too late to save me right now "

Мои твиты

allthingsshiny — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 04:34:24 GMT

Пн, 22:34: I hate this place, but here I am. #gym #treadmill #fatty @ LA Fitness Sports Club http://t.co/rMPmG1Tb
Пн, 22:44: Tried running. Didn't like it. #gym #stopthefatness #fatty
Пн, 23:51: I really wish I couldn't hear my roommates doing what they are doing right now. #shudder
Вт, 00:47: Thanks to repubs, thats political too. RT @danadearmond: Am I being too political? Sorry! Boobs boobs anal sex vagina!!!!!
Вт, 01:37: He says he's leaving again. I'm a shitty housekeeper, he works so hard ... SSDD.
Вт, 01:40: I wish it wasn't 0130. I wish my friends were awake. I wish I wasnt here.
Вт, 14:20: I'm having a #BobWayne kinda day here. Told charles fight wasn't over until he bought me lunch.
Вт, 18:17: Check out @StoddenTransl8d. Its a better version. RT @danadearmond: ok guys, level with me, this "courtney stodden" is a spambot, right?
Вт, 18:49: Klonopin, take me away! #iwannabesedated

allthingsshiny — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 07:06:44 GMT

Nothing like post-workout vodka.

It's low-carb.

Feeling unappreciated this week ... Charles has a new shotgun, I have an overdue electric bill and a sink full of dishes? how is this fair?

the plan

allthingsshiny — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 05:45:07 GMT

View Larger Map

The road trip starts this sunday morning. It's gonna be awesome.

My tweets

allthingsshiny — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 19:16:31 GMT

Sun, 12:37: RT @jamiekilstein: RT @garylfrancione: If you are able, please foster or adopt a shelter animal. So many are killed every day. You can s ...
Sun, 13:56: Good job @LETonglet! Great riding for the win at Brainerd.
Sun, 18:23: Apparently I needed to spend $75. How does #Target do this to me?
Sun, 19:01: ... and $40 at Petco brings my shopping day to a conclusion.
Sun, 20:15: Snakeprint and tattoo http://t.co/0FPhOvW
Sun, 22:01: What could be finer than a great big bottle of cider http://t.co/Htdvbuj
Sun, 23:15: RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: My 'Sleep Number' is Grey Goose.
Sun, 23:16: RT @BelladonnaENT: Changing the way you eat may be the most transformative action you can take.
Mon, 02:16: I didn't mean to stay up this late.

My tweets

allthingsshiny — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 19:16:39 GMT

Sat, 16:00: RT @VinnyMMA: Behind every great man there's a woman rolling her eyes.
Sat, 16:01: *eyeroll* RT @VinnyMMA: Behind every great man there's a woman rolling her eyes.
Sat, 19:27: RT @NDguyKMc: 2nights highlight from the Brainerd Zoo. A $100k Range Rover buried to the doors in mud #nicegoingjackass #nhra60

it's bathing day

allthingsshiny — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 19:13:25 GMT

I've recently acquired two ferrets, both strays. Today was ferret bath day. I don't think either of them has experienced regular bathing before ... they are pissed.

here's them not pissed ... cuddling, even.

I took the cat to work today.

allthingsshiny — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 11:31:02 GMT

There's not much new to write about. The cats are happy. I'm ... content. I think. Charles is working in Moreno Valley again, so that's nice. At least one of us doesn't have a hideous commute.

I love my job. It's challenging, interesting, intellectually stimulating. It is also an hour away - on a good day, by motorcycle. and coming from riverside county, that is as good as it gets. There is a possibility that I will be working from home at some time this year, and I remain hopeful.

My Saturday job is nice as well, though also an hour from home. I think I work it because I cannot fathom spending more than one day not working. Goyle went to work with me today, as he is old and should have bloodwork done. He did not like the car ride, not at all.

I am royally pissed off at my man tonight, but it will pass.

road rash

allthingsshiny — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 05:22:21 GMT

Been riding for three years, commuting daily to Orange County and back every day for most of this year, put 12,000 miles on the Dyna alone since June.

I finally had an accident. It was inevitable.

I didn't really have an accident, though. I had a perfectly normal commute, zipping along in the carpool lane, and somebody else had an accident in which they changed lanes - very suddenly, with no notice, no blinker, and certainly no checking for other vehicles - and hit my bike. My bike (with me now hanging on for dear life and cursing like a sailor inside my helmet) was slammed into the center divider and then a long slide, right side down, for a decent distance down the 60 freeway.

I remember the crunch when the car hit me, and the sickening feeling when I knew the bike was going down. I remember looking up as I was sliding along the ground and seeing both occupants of the car that hit me looking back, mouths agape and eyes wide open. I shook my fist in the air, no joke. I remember looking back to see if there were any cars that would squish me as I came to a stop. One tailgater could have changed this story drastically, but I got lucky, I had some room around me. Some one stopped behind me and traffic went around.

A nice man - whom I need to call and thank profusely - stopped and helped lift the bike off of my leg. How grateful am I that the witness who stopped was wearing a "Harley-Davidson" hat? So thankful. He had seen the whole thing, and once the CHP arrived told them how it happened - and whose fault the whole thing was (i.e., not mine).

I had the feeling the guy had no insurance when he started asking me "so how are we going to handle this?" repeatedly just a few moments after the wreck. "We are going to wait here for the cops." When he hit me, his tire blew out, so he wasn't going anywhere fast.

No license, no insurance, no verifiable ID, and the cops let him drive off after they took the report! Unfuckingbelievable. But I've got good coverage, and maybe something will come through from him.

The damage: The bike will be ok. Cosmetic damage to the right side, mangled right footpeg, damaged brake line, gash in the pipes. Charles and I could probably patch it up for a few hundred, but between HD and the insurance company they've come up with an estimate of $3200 and are replacing quite a bit on the bike. New tires, new grips, new pegs all the way around, new front axle, new mirrors, new handlebars, new levers and pedals. Also, all the (moderately scuffed, imho) gear i was wearing will be replaced.

I am only really moderately scuffed as well. I was wearing about as much gear as I would ever wear and was a little extra padded for cold as well. Boots, dickies jacket and a sweater under my armored riding jacket and of course my full face helmet. I'm always an advocate for the full helmet, more so lately. I wasn't wearing riding pants, just my regular work pants, and my right leg took the brunt of the damage. Pants were shredded and my knee is bruised, abraded, and swollen. My foot and elbow are bruised as well, my whole right side is sore. All in all, quite minor compared to how bad it could have been.

Bike will be back soon, and I will be back on it.

what do you call a funeral party

allthingsshiny — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 02:28:29 GMT

I used to spill over with words, used to write about the intricacies of daily life like they mattered to anyone but me. It's hard to write anymore. Anything over 140 characters seems exhausting and superfluous. Now that I can update the moment-by-moment happenings of my day from my phone anywhere, anytime, what's the point of summarizing?

But there is a point ... i like being able to look back and get a clear picture. To tag the landmarks of my life for review and further education. Now I just make notes like scraps of paper ... inconsequential and lost in the wind.

Maybe I need to bring back this old habit?

Life is ok right now. I miss my dad every day, though it truly has been years since he was wholly my dad. I will admit, when the bad days outnumbered the good days, I didn't visit as much. I couldn't take it. Charles said I would regret it, that I would wish I had spent as much time as possible with him, but I don't regret it. I am happiest remembering him as he was in his prime - smart, funny, sharp-tongued and happy.

The "service" was huge. My dad had not wanted a funeral, so we had a party. There is no official count, but somewhere between 500-600 people showed up. Jason Rupert started up his nitro car after Andy, Brad, and I said some words. That was hard ... to go in front of this group of friends, family, racers, and strangers, and to try and convey how proud I was to be my father's daughter, how much he meant to me.

I worry about my mom. She fakes being ok like I do.

The National Dragster that I pulled out of the mailbox today has a full page picture of my dad's 1974 Air Force-sponsored funny car. I cried when I saw it. He did such amazing things, and what am I? How do I live up to that legacy?

Working today on cleaning, trying to get the house fixed up. House fixing up costs money, but cleaning is almost free. Got a new garbage disposal today ($80), new screen doors will have to wait until next paycheck. Pity, such nice weather lately to leave the doors open. Charles has been working on his bike all day. I hate his bike and am sure that it is cursed, but he loves it no matter how many times he has to weld it.

Reno

allthingsshiny — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 03:15:02 GMT

In reno, taking a break from real life. I love it here.

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allthingsshiny — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 16:21:30 GMT

My dad passed away early this morning after a long battle with Parkinson's Disease. Not unexpected but terribly sad nonetheless. He was a truly great man and loved by many.

At my parent's house, trying to keep busy, fielding calls and waiting for my brother's flight to come in.