I'll fly away in the morning

Honeymoon over?

allthesmiles — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 07:44:39 GMT

Today marks the first time in nearly a year of being with bobby and 6 months of long distance that I'm feeling anxiety about our relationship. He came to visit me this weekend and it started off badly. When he was on his way out here (on Thursday) we got in a fight because I got off the phone with him to talk to a friend I hadn't seen in a while. Stupid stupid stuff, that we both just worked up over. Plus, for some reason, we are bad at ending fights so I felt like we were still fightig even after we had called a truce.

Saturday night comes around an he gets a call from this girl, who is one of those people who is everything I'm not and so I want to strangle. He has arguably good reasons for talking to her (another story) but since she makes me makes me feel soooo incredibly so incredibly vulnerable I chose to take up a loosing battle. STUPID really really stupid but I couldn't help myself from lashing out when I felt so weak and scared.

I now feel the need to explain this further, before there is a 'he should really just stop talking to her for you!' reaction. She is the older sister of his brother's baby momma. Basically, family. Hot, trashy, already had sex with him (a few years ago) family. The mother of these girls also activly attempts to pursuade this girl that she should get with bobby, and makes me feel awkward and unwelcome when I visit (example: showed me girl's bikini modeling photo last time I was over, WTF). The situation of brother's gf is less than ideal (socailly, economically) and so bobby wants to help her, and he says he cannot do so without communicating with the sister. And regardless, they are going to see each other when they visit their mutual niece. Atleast that part is unavoidable. Boo. Shity situation (for me) if you ask me!!

Anyways, that whole conflict is huge because he feels like I'm trying to seperate him from his family, which is a tad but of an exaggeration is you ask me, but he's a man and bless him, a little simple. Sooooo now he doesn't want to tell me about his communiction with this girl, which, if your me, is fate worse than death. After a few tears, I hope I've convinced him not to go down that path....

THEN back track a tad, we went downtown Friday night and I danced with a rando when he was off with some friends. NOT a big deal, but one of his friends saw me dancing. So I felt like I need to tell him so it didn't turn into a big deals, like it was some kind of secret. His response, silence, and when prompted with an 'are you mad at me?' it was 'I'm not sure, but I'm tired I'm gonna go to bed.'

Arrrrgh!

It was just a bad weekend, I guess, but when weekends are all you have it really scary for one to fall into that catagory. I hate to loose a single one. I've scared myself into thinking this is going to be a pattern and I hate being scared....

This relationship is finally getting hard, but I really seriously believe that he is the one, and it scares me shitless to think of loosing him.

allthesmiles — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 03:41:25 GMT

I'm in santa maria for the week. anyone up for coffee etc.?

fighting words

allthesmiles — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 05:40:03 GMT

I'm so so used to being the center of bobby's world, with all the love and attention i want (and i usually want a lot). He makes me so fucking happy its stupid, I think about him and everything goes pastel and glittery, people must notice.

Of course, this is not sustainable. Especially considering the fact that he's moving away for good in about a month to BFE (Palmdale, CA. Puke.)

So this weekend was he graduated from Poly (glittery proud happy moment). His parents came to town (who i love) and some friends. A few of them are totally nice and i dig them, but one of them is the biggest asshole-bro I've ever met.

Bobby is allllll valley/country, which to my surprise, works for me. He's a rough around the edges and I like that. But this guy, he's just indiscriminately rude, mean and stupid. He think its funny, its his little party trick, but I can't take it. It makes me angry just being around him, he pollutes bobby too, makes him meaner. I hate him and want him to go away. Being around this guy all day for graduation with no bobby around to distract me (plus running on 4 hrs of sleep) made Cammie a very cranky girl, so I told bobby just what I thought of this guy, for better or worse. Part of me feels bad, but the other part of me doesn't think I should apologize for Bobby having an asshole friend.

And so, Bobby has been (in between grad activities) hardly giving me the time of day. Okay, I get it, he's graduating and these are his friends who he doesn't see a lot, but dammit, that doesn't make me feel any better.

I love this guy and he's leaving me for good in a month, I want every single second I can have with him. I have never dated or even MET a guy that I could seriously say I see myself being with for an undefined amount of time. Abandonment fear kicked into overdrive.

So since I'm upset about so many different things, I want to get in a fight so I at least have some emotion directed my way. I know well enough that that is totally irrational so I WON'T pick a fight, but I want my boy back.

Please.

Getting that out of my system helps... a little.

allthesmiles — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 23:38:08 GMT

I feel kinda guilty about wasting the first half of my winter break with sleeping really really late and sitting on the couch, because now people are calling, saying 'lets hang out!' The problem with this is that i'm going to Oregon on the 27th for the remaining week of break.

But they didnt call me in that first week either. I was totally content to 'waste' that time. People are probably having the same realization as I am, that break is almost over and maybe its time to call people you'd like to see. The problem is, the santa maria portion of my break IS over. Whoops.

So I feel bad about saying, Sorry, I'm shipping out in a few days. Maybe next time?

I'm really bad at next times.

sercet(ish) heart-ache.

allthesmiles — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:57:02 GMT

Notmyguy has a new girl, it appears, and God dammit it makes me crazy. I mean, its pretty disgusting that I care at all, or at least this much, in this way. Despicable, it really is. So much so that I can't talk about it with anyone. Which makes it all the much worse.

How women love who abuse them. Which is a total hyperbole in this case.

I hate having to ice up. It makes me boring, censured. Which might have been the reason for all of this in the first place. There will always be those men, who give you a taste of what your not.

Maybe it only people like me who are so drawn to such a thing. People who are just that kind of unhappy with the person they are. How ridiculous, but it causes me to ask some serious questions that I don’t know if I have answers for. Sucky.

I should be satisfied with myguy. See, disgusting (human though?).

I’m curious what the relative anonymity of the internet has to say about this.

Cheers.

allthesmiles — Mon, 21 May 2007 16:15:35 GMT

i'm dieing.

i can't live in this state of questioning very much longer. always thinking that i'm wrong, but knowing the thing which i have to do to make things right will make me miserable.

what kind of life is that?

i'm considering going back to counseling. i need some answers in my life, by someone whos qualitfied to give them. someone without motive, someone who can help me.

it was on my mind when i feel asleep last night, i dreamt about it, and it was the first thing on my mind when i awoke.

what kind of life is this?

allthesmiles — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 00:58:37 GMT

yesterday, i opened up livejournal and read my entries back to atleast the summer before last.

i've been told lately that i've changed, but i think i've always been the same person inside my head. i could have written any one of those entrees at any time, it seems. (excusing the random slang i was currently hanging on to)

also, its pretty interesting to read some entrees and have no idea what they are about. what was i thinking? what happened? how did i really feel? did i think i'd forget it all in a years time? its werid.

shows how entirely un-permanent some of the most painful things are.

in other news, life is good, and improving. next weekend, i'll be celebrating my 6 month anniversery with a boy who i love a whole heck of a lot. friendships are turbulent? amazing? definitly both.

in the best way possible.
welcome back. ♥

Where does the Good go?

allthesmiles — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 01:42:57 GMT

I like liking someone. A lot. That feeling you get when you see that person, when you talk to that person, when you are held by that person... it's unexplainable, and irreplacable.

But when you dont talk to that person, when you don't see that person, when they don't hold you, when they do or say something they shouldn't do or say... That feeling is something I want to avoid with everything I have.

So how do you balance loving the feeling of being loved, and hating the feeling of being unappericated by the person who you want to appericate you the most. It feels impossible, and it makes me want to run.

So what do you do... but hope it turns around... and then what do you do when it doesn't?

I don't want to be left there ever again.

ps. MCR on Halloween in a club = best thing under the sun.

ssse quam videri

allthesmiles — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 17:25:46 GMT

"Read or unread just being is good enough. It may sound crazy, but when I write these passages, maybe a hundred or two hundred people reply, maybe a thousand or two thousand people read them, but maybe in some other way they stretch their wordy arms out into this big sky and rain down like all your prayers did on me when I was too sick to open my eyes and see the sunrise the way it did today. I don't...maybe."

Andrew McMahon, Jack's Mannequin

dear god

allthesmiles — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 08:06:25 GMT



"dear god" on Google Video

allthesmiles — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 06:33:30 GMT

hm, so i'm kinda tired of being single.

this is all ridiculous.

i'm not tired of being single as much as i just don't know why i am. i'm pretty damn cool. i'm cute, i'm funny, i'm intelligent, i'm nice, i'm not super needy and i'm pretty easy to get along with. so then, why hasnt someone snatched up an amazing girl like me?

i must have some fatal character flaw that i am unaware of. only explanation.

maybe it has something to do with my avoidence of capital letters. maybe it has to do with my obsessive tendencies. maybe it has something to do with my doughy body type. maybe it has something to do with prefrence for black ink over blue.

who fucking knows

i want someone to want me.
what a cheap trick.
XD

peace the fuck out.

dirty business

allthesmiles — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 04:31:35 GMT

I'm tired. This is because we started school today. It went well, its cool to see people, talk to people i hadn't talk to much ever.

Kyle is in my Tech Writing class. This is a good thing, I'm able to talk to him without being drunk or in a potentially awkward situation. It makes me happy, I walked him to class today, which is silly, but awesome as well.

I dont like him that way at this point, which is amazing, I just like seeing him in a casual setting. I want to be his friend. Thats all, I mean that.

I have homeowork to do and laundry to put away. I have alot of love in me that I really want to release.

What keeps you sane?

allthesmiles — Sun, 10 Sep 2006 06:06:36 GMT

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Sunday, September 03, 2006 10:21 PM
Subject: peace sooner

Gam ani.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Sunday, September 07, 2006 10:33 PM

j'aussi

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Sunday, September 07, 2006 11:43 PM

me too.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Saturday, September 09, 2006 12:55 PM

yo tambien.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Saturday, September 09, 2006 8:34 PM

ich auch

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Saturday, September 09, 2006 7:17 PM

Mij ook

allthesmiles — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 18:45:09 GMT

Another concert shout out. I'm so predictable.

http://www.thebamboozleleft.com/

I'm going. I just need people to come with me and a place to crash. Whatever details, you know.

(pssst... new icons)

allthesmiles — Wed, 23 Aug 2006 17:31:56 GMT

Try this before Google changes it under possible pressure from the dark side.

1- Go to:
www.Google.com

2- Type in Failure

3- Look at it the first listing and laugh at what comes up first; do it soon before Google fixes the probable bug(perhaps not) in algorithm!

This might be your best laugh of the day based on credible TRUTH!

The surprising thing is that any search for the word "failure" within that page returns "none found" :-)

It must be a recognition of "Meta-level-failure" by this great(not)leader.

allthesmiles — Sun, 20 Aug 2006 04:06:57 GMT

EVENT DETAILS: GENRE: Indie/ Hip Hop

DATE: October 13, 2006
PLACE: Downtown Brewery
START TIME: 7:00PM-7:00PM

TICKETS time, age and tix's to be announced soon...
BAND: Gym Class Heroes and Cobra Starship

Numbskull Productions is proud to present the band who holds the #1 most requested single on KROQ and are featured in the upcoming movie "Snakes on Planes"... Gym Class Heroes with special guest, Cobra Starship.

All details coming soon ...

________________________

WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

allthesmiles — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 18:13:57 GMT

So, this past week or so at work have been the most ANNOYING few days I have ever lived through.

Right now, my job is to print, stamp, label and stuff 550 letters to individual donors to the College of Engineering here at Poly into 550 labels envelopes. Oh wait! These letters and envelopes and in different arbitary orders. Fun!

So this is how this job goes:
1. Create labels
2. Print labels
3. Stick labels to envelopes. Loose the frist 2 layers of skin on yoru finger tips
4. Place 550 labels envelopes into a box
6. Create letter
7. Print letters
8. Stamp all 550 letters with the Dean's signature.
9. Realise envelopes and letters are out of order.
10. Swear
11. Alphabetize enveoples
12. Search for individual letters.
13. Glue individual letters closed.
14. Place in draw for strorage.
15. Repeat 549 times.
16. Realize you have more letters than envelopes.
17. Swear
18. Begin to print new letters
19. Stuff and seal new letters
20. Store the roughly 100 new letters
21. Realize you have not stamped these 100 new letter
22. Swear profusely.
23. Tear letters out of 100 envelopes.
24. Swear more.
25. Stamp letters
26. Reprint labels
27. Label new envelopes.
28. Stuff new envelopes.
29. Put all envelopes in too small mail bag.

The fun part of this is i'm only barely started step 23! Yay!

I want to die.

winter, spring, summer or fall

allthesmiles — Sun, 30 Jul 2006 05:28:52 GMT

i'll admit it, i totally love James Taylor.

i'm begining to want to go get fucked up. or, at least, want to go do something. this maybe why i go out of town so often.

Kiss was motherfuckin amazing, but i'll admit, there was a little too much aged-man-pelvic-thrusting. oh wellz.

allthesmiles — Thu, 27 Jul 2006 20:19:21 GMT

So waiter, I'd like to order on William Beckett with a side of Jared Leto. Thanks. Oh! and if it's not too much trouble, could I get both Letos from The Kill video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUvuGzKg8-o), preferably when they are about to make out with one another. And a tall glass of water would be just fine.

Upgrade to Snakes on a Plan

allthesmiles — Tue, 25 Jul 2006 18:33:28 GMT

I cannot listen to anything but Snakes on a Plane (Bring it). It's seriosuly like a drug, I can't help myself.

But I LOVE it.

Snakes, get here on your Plane quicker, goddammit.

William Beckett makes me go weak in the knees. I want him, I need him, oh baby, oh baby.

i can't do this alone

allthesmiles — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 08:14:14 GMT

wake from your sleep
dry all your tears
today we escape
we escape

so life goes on. its kind of nice to be the only one awake in my house, and it only really lonely when you go out to the living room to see them... and no one is there.

i am really not as emo as this journal says i am. i promise. i am actually happy, and silly and werid. really. but if you read this, you probably know me, and you know that. i should go to sleep, this is the latest i've been up in a while, and its only 12 past 1.

(i wish the thought of you didn't fill me with so much hope and so much disappointment at the same time.)

allthesmiles — Tue, 18 Jul 2006 02:27:32 GMT

i should have just put my hair in a ponytail and lopped off six inches, it would look fucking the same.

i need a new hair dresser, pronto.
i also need to now cry over such stupid things.

ARGH! So i'm still generic. great.

allthesmiles — Fri, 30 Jun 2006 06:26:03 GMT

my life is really hard in a not hard kind of way!
how annoying!

allthesmiles — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 21:14:28 GMT

i'm playing games. basically.
what bullshit.

why am i doing this?
where is this getting me?

and WHY do i have to make it so god damned complicated.

allthesmiles — Sat, 17 Jun 2006 06:40:05 GMT

what would you say if i told you i missed you?