I’m having one of those blue days — I just can’t get out of my own way.

The thoughts. The feelings.

But what are they, really?

One of the first realizations I made, when I started the journey off benzodiazepines last year, was that I couldn’t completely trust my own thoughts.

That sounds scary to some — it certainly did to me! But my mind, my narrator, has a story it wants me to believe.

Here’s a thought I just had: How did I get the most attention as a child? Was it when I was scared? When I was sad? So if we are craving attention, affection, approval in our own lives, won’t we subconsciously mimic the emotions that worked for us then?

Maybe when we were scared or anxious, we were hugged and soothed. Or maybe when we were sad or grieving, we got the sympathy of others. That can be a very heady thing, other people’s sympathy. It feels like love, like soothing, even though it’s transient.

Children need attention. If we couldn’t get it with our wins, we got it with our wounds.

Besides continuing past narratives, even though we may not get the same payoff anymore, there’s also the weather. It’s been rainy here in New York for the past few days. Even though I haven’t been aware of it, not seeing the sun peek out through the clouds and wet and cold has definitely brought me down a few bars.

What about the time of year? Do you get Seasonal Affective Disorder? I do.

Also, what have I been putting in my body? As of right now, 10:55 AM, I have had a cup of coffee. That’s it.

And what am I watching, or listening to, or reading? Is it the news, 24/7? How long have I been in front of a screen?

So then, when I take stock of my emotions, and see that I’m feeling a little bit down or anxious, there are lots of reasons. They feel more scientific, more black-and-white, and they allow me the opportunity to just BE, and not be dictated by my feelings, which — today at least — don’t have a basis in anything that’s actually happened to me. To forgive myself for not feeling super-perky on this wet, cold, grey day.