Whew! It is done. Where to start…

7 weeks ago, I started a new job that I was excited about with a company that I loved. 2 weeks ago, they relocated me, capping off a 5 week period where I was commuting between Charlotte, NC and Columbia, SC every week and basically living in a hotel. In the midst of this, I had to make several trips to Greensboro to find a new place to live, arrange for movers, and everything else involved with that. Oh…and I bought a new car. Because while I loved that the cherry bomb (my nickname for my old car) was completely paid off, it was just that…a bomb…that definitely wouldn’t have made it the 4500 miles I’ve already put on the new one.

I was really worried the weekend I finally moved. I had been flaring badly for several days…I couldn’t figure out why!  I even asked my mom to bum me a couple Prednisones she had laying around. If you know my thoughts on Pred, you know how bad I must’ve been feeling.

The day of the move, I woke up to stiff and sore everything. Flaring in places that usually don’t bother me was especially disconcerting.

I was generally a hellacious bitch in a bad mood the whole day. The movers made fun of my self.constructed tv cabinet and the cat showed how much she despised the car by crying every minute we were in the car. Seriously. I timed it- the longest she went without an unhappy meow was 2 minutes! My brother may have picked up a broom and asked me why I brought my ride inside. That will have repercussions at Christmas this year…

Oh yeah, and in the midst of this, I got my damn period. Lovely…probably TMI…but it really did add an extra something special to the whole day. Promise!

At the end of the day, I went to take a hot Epson salt bath. The water wasn’t warm enough to melt all the salts and let me give you a piece of advice: undisolved Epson salts meets unclothed delicate areas equals BURN.

All in all, it was a sucky day where I felt terrible and took it out on everyone around me wasn’t terribly pleasant to be around.

I woke up the next morning…and strangely…I felt great! The flare was gone and I hadn’t even taken the Prednisone. 

I went downstairs, made some coffee, and sat on the couch for a few minutes. I realized that it was the first time in probably a year where I could just sit in silence and enjoy something.

Wow.

I knew that the stress of my old job was very unhealthy and I knew that the transition would also be rough but I had no idea just how much it was affecting me physically.

I’m still feeling good, still exhausted, but am finally glad to be in a place and with a company who doesn’t run me ragged.

I’m super excited to finally feel mental clarity again after spending the last year in a constant state of panic. I only have one cell phone now- it doesn’t go everywhere with me nor does it sleep next to me. I actually have time for myself!

What I’m most excited to see is if this is how much better I feel in two weeks, how am I going to feel in six months? I’m so thankful to have time to get myself together again.

Ahhhhhhh, yes. The inevitable what happened first, the chicken or the egg saga.

Sometimes it is so hard to tell.

Flares are stressful. Crashes are stressful. Stress is…stressful. Even good stress is stressful!

But you can say the same about the others too.  Flares make me crash. Stress makes me crash. Crashing makes me crash.

So which is it?

I almost did a post on Sunday but was afraid you would think it was a cruel April Fools joke that I’d actually written something!

Whew! The past month has been taxing. I’ve been training and living in an extended stay for 5 weeks now and I seriously have a love/hate relationship with hotel living.

Love: I have a jacuzzi tub and yes, I use it every. single. night. The RA loves it too! I sleep well here…I think it’s because if I crank the loud AC up and turn on the ceiling fan, it sounds like heavy rain.

Hates: Columbia,SC is hotter than hell and the humidity makes my hair look awful. 5 weeks, 5 different rooms. I’ve gone to the wrong room twice now, once on the completely wrong floor! Plus my RA hates driving and I’m doing a ton of that. What I hate the most: I miss my catbaby.

But next week is the last one and then I’m for real at my new home in Greensboro, reunited with my sweet furball.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about things these nights by myself and I’ve come to a few conclusions: I’m SO buying a king sized bed, I miss writing regularly, and I miss reading other blogs. I’ve been so busy for the past year that I’ve barely had time to do any of the things I enjoy doing. So I think to help me refocus once I’m settled, I’m going to write about getting these things back.

What else is new in my world?   Allergies! Which make me flare! And

has always

given

me awful acid reflux! I’m popping Zantac like tequila shots and I think the acid reflux feels surprisingly like mtx stomach.

But things are good and exciting.things are happening. I promise to not leave you hanging too much longer.

Oh my.

I have completely dropped the ball on keeping you in the loop on my life with RA.

Where to start…

I hope you haven’t given up on me. Silence here usually means I’m thinking about things or I’m swamped. In this case, it’s been both.

Late January, I was in lovely Palm Springs, CA for work when I received a VERY GOOD job offer from another company. VERY GOOD as far as numbers and job description but also lots to think about as far as a relocation.

Have you ever flown out of the Palm Springs airport? OMG. I thought I was going to die. With the proximity of the mountains, you go up and then immediately sideways. And it’s bumpy. And I almost cried.

Anyways, I spent the whole flight back thinking. And more thinking when I got back. I made a trip to the city where I’d be moving to to see the office and feel it out. On the way up, I got a ticket that requires an attorney. Lovely.

That trip created a lot more questions. So I’ve spent the last month thinking. What’s best for me professionally and what’s best for me personally? And why in the hell why I was driving so fast in a damn work zone?

The answer became clear that this new position is best for both.
I gave my notice on Monday and start early March! So it’s official: I’m moving to Greensboro, NC!

With all of this settled, I should be back to writing as regularly scheduled. 🙂

Unless I’m the only one who gets annoyed by those super smug ‘my 3 year old is taking college physics in his free time’ holiday letters.

Dear Friends and Family,

I hope the holiday season has been magical. Since we only really keep in touch through Christmas card updates, allow me to give you the 2011 highlight reel.

2011 was the year of not so great decisions. I mean, nobody got fired and nobody got pregnant so yay team but when you spend the majority of 2010 feeling lousy and then you start to feel good…yep…BALLS. TO. THE. WALL.

I did do some awesome things that surprised me- completed a 3 hr zipline and ropes course, traveled a fair amount, learned that I love drinking wine and painting even though my paintings look like something a blindfolded toddler would do, and made peace with several people in my life I didn’t expect to ever make peace with.

I did some really stupid things too. Like calming unexpected pre-cross country flight nerves Charlie Sheen style where I don’t really remember connecting in Atlanta but HOLY CRAP did my Facebook status updates paint a picture!

Winning.

I overcame some significant fears. I got my first infusion treatment with no incident, probably because it was last minute and I was hungover. (Notice a theme? Cross file this under stupidity.)

I hurt myself. I fell badly and sprained my left ankle. I’m now having issues with disease activity in this spot. Thank you so much, unmarked water on floor at Target. I spent too much time overcelebrating the fact that I felt better and wound up back at square one. And I got super depressed. I’m still working out that last part.

I had some pretty emotional moments. Losing several fellow RAers was heartbreaking. That, combined with a health scare with my mom this fall (she’s ok) have made me very clingy with my family and close friends. I’m sorry if I’m being annoying…again, see above.

But you know what? While it sounds like parts of 2011 were a complete bust, I really feel like it has set me up to be better than ever in 2012. So while my cat may not moonlight in Fancy Feast ads and while I don’t spend my spare time sneaking in classes in gourmet cooking or herbal medicine, I’ve learned a lot and can focus on hopefully writing about how happy I am in this new year!

I had a bad day the other day and in hopes of lifting my spirits, I went through old text messages from good friends.

Henceforth I give you, the 10 best text messages I’ve received in 2011:

‘My wife is out of town. My kids are out of town. I have no food. Dinner?’

(in response to me inquiring how a bachelorette party went)

‘I am now the only person in the world who has ever face planted on Bourbon St dressed as a princess carrying a metal lunchbox that was so loud it alerted everyone to turn and watch me fall but not help.’

(In response to me texting a friend on my way home from a date and I had to GO NOW)

‘ I have it good authority that guys love incontinent bitches…really, don’t pee yourself.’

‘Hypothetically speaking, on a scale of 1 to 10, how upset would you be if someone were to back into your right rear bumper? I love you, beautiful friend!’

(in response to my text saying can I interest you in a spin class)

‘Can I interest YOU in a colonoscopy?’

‘I can’t wait until they remake Twilight in 20 years with people who can actually act.’

‘I want to sleep with Taylor Lautner except for that whole thing with him being underage. But if I wind up a convicted sex offender, I’d be legally obligated to tell everyone and they would all understand.’

(during a graphic TMI really bad cramp discussion)

‘well, if you’re pregnant and don’t know it and this is really labor, don’t have your baby in a toilet. That’s undignified.’

(In reference being forced walking an arthritis walk with me)

‘Exactly how far do I have to walk? What if it rains? I want a tshirt. Can we just show up, get the shirts and then ditch for IHOP? I don’t want you to overdo it.’

‘Yaaay! Bad judgement prevails over common sense yet again! Go team!’

I’m sure most of these are only funny to me, especially because I know the senders and the context.

But hopefully my crazy friends will cheer some of you up like they do for me!

I hate that I have to post this BUT…

If you comment pushing a product, I will not approve it.

If I mention using specific brands or products, it is because they are actual products I use and not products I am being compensated for using.

If I were to ever post something about a product that I am compensated for using or writing about, I would note that.

As of yet, that hasn’t happened nor am I seeking opportunities for that to happen.

I try to keep this space true to my experience so please do not use the comments section for blatant advertising.  I get that we all have products we believe in…and that’s ok…and I am fine with you posting a link to your blog advertising such…but I am really not interested in approving comments that are basically advertisements.

I’m sorry if this causes hurt feelings but please understand and respect where I’m coming from.

It’s been a whirlwind year, hasn’t it?

I spied something more rare than a unicorn at my infusion right before I left town on Wednesday.

The mythical OMG SOMEONE MY AGE also getting an infusion. I felt many emotions: shock, awe, curiousity…disappointment that I wouldn’t be the center of attention that day.

I kid. Kinda. But don’t you like it when you go in and you’re the only patient too? SO MUCH faster… plus you feel like a celebrity because everyone sits and talks to you and brings you unlimited crackers.

Anyways. I was starting to feel weird because I kept trying to subtly watch her. Like me, I could see no physical evidence of illness although the needle in the arm was certainly abnormal. She looked like someone I’d be friends with!

I was getting ready to introduce myself when the nurse came in and said the Dr needed to see me before we started.

Great! I knew she would be gone when I got back and hated that I was missing the chance to make a new RA friend. PLUS, I wanted to make sure nobody thought I was creepy and weird for staring.

But seriously! The mythical person my age with my disease sitting in the chair in MY clinic!

A very rare sighting indeed.

I met with the Dr and when I had returned to the infusion room, I had all but forgotten about my unicorn friend. Plus, I will admit to being secretly thrilled to regain my VIP status.

The nurse came over and, in the midst of starting the line, said ‘oh! I almost forgot! The girl who was here earlier asked about you after you left. Here’s her info, she said she’d love to talk if you ever need it.’

Wow.

I am thankful for so many things. Friends, family, pets, opportunities. And I am also thankful for random acts of kindness that are bigger pick me ups than you may realize.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

I will finally admit it. As much as I try to blog about staying positive and having fun despite having RA, I am in the process of pulling myself out of a major self loathing anxiety ridden episode of depression.

Unfortunately, I think that many of us experience the co-existence of depression and chronic illness and while I want to always be positive and funny, I guess I figured that nobody would want to hear about being sad.

Shame on me. I blog, of course, to make connections with other people but also because it helps me process to see it written down somewhere.

I’ve also tried to be as realistic as possible so why in the world would I not write about this very real part of it?

Maybe because I needed to let it happen for awhile before I was willing to start processing it.

So what am I depressed about?

I really don’t know. I think it’s just a culmination of chronic illness, trying to do everything for everyone all the time, trying to be in 10 places at once, working and stressing about work far too much, and letting people take advantage of me.

It’s a lot.

I find myself in a position where I’m continually exhausted, where I get home from work and have absolutely no energy to do anything (including blogging), where I’m avoiding friends because I just don’t feel like going anywhere, and where my body is hurting because stress makes my symptoms so much worse.

Of course, the rational reactions I’ve had (screaming and throwing a double bird) to seriously important and life altering events (a homeless dude who jaywalked in front of my car on a quiet street carrying a case of beer) definitely make me a good time to hang out with.

Everybody loves the crazy angry girl!

Or at least everyone loves someone crazy!

Maybe it’s my bodys way of saying HEY YOU! YOU! Yeah, YOU with the blond (strawberry blond right now, thank you epic fail at touching up the roots yourself) hair! You’re not taking care of me! You’re trying to make me do an Ironman where I’m really only in proper form for a 10k! You’re not feeding me properly. You’re not giving me enough sleep. Sure, you bathe me but I could really use some exercise. And since you’re not giving me this, I’m going to make it so that all you feel like doing is getting into bed and crying.

Dude, body. I’d much prefer a good old fashioned bitch slap.

I had a moment with a good friend recently where everything kinda fell apart. And by fell apart, I mean that she asked me how my day was and I literally fell apart. I hadn’t realized until then how bad I was…and it was a good, much needed cry that ended with a long walk and a cup of tea.

So what am I doing right now? I am making damn well sure I get MY time. While I usually do a gratitude challenge for myself in November, now I’m taking time everyday to do 3 things for myself. Something I want to do, something for my health, and something to set me up for a good day tomorrow.

Today, it was a long hot bath and some yoga stretches. And I fully intend to dream about People’s new Sexiest Man Alive tonight so chalk that up to starting tomorrow happy!

Slowly but surely.

Ever so often, I find myself extremely surprised by something I can actually do or something that is challenging. Usually, it is doing something that is unexpectedly easy but this past week, it was something unexpectedly and hysterically challenging.

I say hysterically challenging because it was so funny that I just can’t be upset about it!!

Truth: I have a very sweet cat. She has been indoors her whole life, she sleeps a lot, and she poops in a box. While I may have a bit of a begging situation at play in my house…ok, not begging because Molly has manipulated her way into virtually unlimited treats due to cuteness…and I complain because a few times I’ve barefoot stepped in hairball, she’s very easy to take care of and I swear, she’s kept me sane in this journey!

Anyways, this past week, I’ve been dogsitting for my neighbors’ rottweiler mutt mix. Translation: sweetheart but a super big, rather aggressive, highly neurotic dog who goes through life like she’s been shot out of a cannon on red bull.

Oh. My. God.

For starters, before I can even take her out on her walk, I have to get in the house. The key is stiff and with my swollen fingers, she unfortunately has ample time to FREAK THE EFF OUT about the blond intruder. As soon as I get the door open, she recognizes me and FREAKS THE EFF OUT realizing that she’s going outside. And did I mention that she’s a jumper? Oh yeah…hurls 80 ish pounds straight at you to show her enthusiasm.

Dude. Can’t you just sniff my crotch?

Getting the harness on her is like trying to lasso a bull on crack greased in Crisco with a rope that has little parts you have to get just so. I have begged, pleaded, and yelled: hold still!

And then I don’t take her on a walk. Nope. She drags me. Girlfriend prefers a pace where I’m half running. It was fun tonight in Uggz on wet leaves; I felt like I was water skiing! So fun for the arthritis patient terrified of falling!

Twice, we have seen rabbits.

Rabbits.

Imagine being drug through the yard at night, slipping and running and scared of falling, just trying to keep up with this huge dog while wrapping the leash around one wrist and keeping a firm hold on the lower part with the other hand. And then…being unexpectedly and forcibly yanked in another darker direction. Rope burn!

Seriously rabbits. Let’s work together. You don’t want to be eaten just like I don’t want to fall or suffer whiplash. Surely we can come to an agreement!

When the walk is over and I try to leave, I have to back out and kinda block the door. Because oh yes, girlfriend is a darter. And when she darts, she doesn’t run out and leisurely walk the backyard.

Nope, she’s all MLK ‘free at last’ and in my assessment, if you lose the dog you’re dogsitting, you have failed miserably at said task.

I did check and just in case, she’s microchipped so I wouldn’t have to pull a Meet The Parents.

Nope, while I will be spending two more days dogsitting, I will not have to paint any dogs. SCORE.