Your Heart is Blue


What Color is Your Heart?
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I wish I didn't still feel so conflicted about it all... It was three months ago yesterday. That means that things happened less than half way through the school term. More than half a term. I wish it hadn't happened most of all.
A few days ago, I wrote down (I thought) everything, to try and get it out of my head.... it worked for a few days, but then that could just have been Christmas. I almost want to send it all to her, just to show her what I feel, what she's done, I don't know, but I don't want to give her anything, let her know anything, after what I view as betrayal.
Oh God, but I don't want her thinking badly of me, but at the same time I almost want her hurt as badly as she's hurt me... And then I feel so low for even thinking that.
I miss her so much, and I keep thinking I'm at the point of forgiving her, but then I think of other things, perhaps unrelated to this particular event, but for me, still an issue. Is this stupid? I don't know what to think anymore.
Also, when I'm thinking at home, I always seem to be thinking more in anger, but when I see her I just think how much I miss her. I saw her at the moment we entered the Mission last night, when it was just me and Babz waiting for everyone else, and I was struck by all the emotion.
Hell, I've probably already said too much, it happened to me once, it could happen again. not that I don't trust any of you... but I trusted her...
I also feel really bad to have this affecting me so badly visibly, while Jo is just so together...

Shoite.

Two quotes to her which represent my feelings - I wrote them down two days after and was going to email them...

'Worry about your own fortunes, gentlemen; the deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers.'

'I won't let go. I can't. I love you too damn much.'