Far away and to the westward

A long overdue update

alemara — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 13:57:25 GMT

You know, I used to keep a diary because it would force me to be honest. I wrote in it every day for two years of high school, and put in everything: how I felt, what I did, mistakes I made, fights I had.

And LJ used to be good for that, too. For a long time I put everything in here, and then I just...stopped.

There's a lot I've been meaning to put down for the last year, and I haven't, because writing it down forces me to be honest, and I haven't wanted to be honest about the way my life has gone, lately. So I buried myself in one game, and then another, and TV shows and movies and pretended like everything was fine, but now it's all falling apart, so it's time for a little honesty.

A little over a month ago, I went home to Deerfield for my 10 year reunion. Z came with me. The week after, I went home again, this time for a job interview, which didn't work out. Two weeks ago, I went back for one more, and this one seems like it will work out, which is fantastic in almost every way: it would be up to an thirteen thousand dollar raise, it would be in a place I love, near my family, where there are a million people my age. There would be the chance to play music, and write. There's the chance to do something I've wanted to do for years, and join the Reserves.

But if I take this job and move home, Z and I will break up, because he's not willing to move.

We've been together for four and half years. We've been through all kinds of crap, and had so many amazing times. I love him like crazy. But things have been rough. Really rough. And not just from this. It's been rocky for a year, or longer, but it's been the kind of rough that results in a blowout every couple of weeks, where there are tears and shouting, and then can be forgotten about or attempted to be fixed. We even went to couples therapy for months, and it seemed to be helping.

But then we went to Florida for a week in January, and came within a hairsbreadth of breaking up in the airport.

I'm realizing that ours is the kind of relationship that, if I were on the outside but knew all the details, would make me wonder why we're both sticking with it. Which is not a comfortable or happy feeling to have. And maybe it would be better if I moved home, and he stayed here, and we just let it go because maybe the truth is that there isn't anything broken here to fix, maybe the truth is that we just aren't right for each other.

But it's one thing to wonder about that, and another to think about how much fun we had on Saturday, getting drinks and going to the movies. It's another thing to wonder whether he's actually going to be my date to my best friend's wedding in less than a month. It's another thing to think about the life we have together and how much good there is and whether I'm really willing to give that up on the off-chance that we'd be happier without each other than with.

Because we are happy, a lot of the time. We're used to each other, we can just hang out and be comfy and content, or we can kick it into gear and have a night out.

But I don't know.

So this is why I've been incommunicado for the last few weeks, especially. And it's also why I've mostly been keeping to myself for the last...year. Or so. Right now, I feel so on edge. I won't know about the job for another two weeks, which means we're both under a lot of pressure, knowing that a decision will have to be made but unwilling and unable to make it right now. It's like a train bearing down on us.

Most of my smiles lately have come from you guys, and I love that. I'm sorry I've been so behind on so many things. I promise I'll catch up, though I can't promise when.

alemara — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:16:05 GMT

Leave me a topic to write a post about. Serious, funny, anything in between. Comments are screened!

These will probably be done when I'm back from vacation. In related news, I'm in Florida, and it is AWESOME. Spent yesterday and today at Universal, tomorrow, Disney!

alemara — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 20:39:33 GMT

So, everyone else is weighing in on this, and while I don't have a whole lot of connection to Milliways anymore, I know there are still characters/players there who used to be very involved with me and mine.

Personally, I'd find it bizarre in the extreme to see another Caspian, Jack Twist, or Anne Shirley. They are far and away the characters I played most and was most involved with. My characters are largely retired-by-default since I haven't played there in so long, so theoretically I could move pretty much any of them over. Still, I can't see myself dropping back into the whirlpool that is Milliways with the same characters, although the chance to bring back Caspian from a retirement I never really wanted to push him into, or an alternate version...ahaha. That is tempting.

I guess this is really just me looking at this and saying....now that's interesting. If any of y'all who were closely involved with my characters have an opinion, I'd be happy to hear it.

A day will come when I will post something here that isn't a meme...

alemara — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 18:15:24 GMT

...but it is not this day.

Shamelessly stolen from wanderlustlover, partially because I am ashamed of giving her the same two characters over and over again. (Can I be blamed if I love Caspian and Marian?)

Comment with a pair of characters (one has to be mine) and I'll give you a paragraph from my character's POV on how they view yours.

All characters are fair game: OC's, Milliways, Outpost 12, I Did What With Who? and any others. I'm sitting here at work trying to pretend that if I drink enough water and stay warm enough I can avoid getting very sick, so I need a distraction!

In distinctly more awesome news, Z and I are going to DISNEYWORLD! I can't wait! We've never had a for real vacation together that wasn't due to needing to visit one of our families. It's going to be AMAZING.

alemara — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 03:38:30 GMT

I watched Trigun: Badlands Rumble today after giving it to my brother in his stocking, and I LOVED it. If you liked the show, you'll dig the movie. There's a lot less silliness, awesome action, and, of course, everybody's favorite black sheep priest being a badass and making snarky comments behind shades and a perpetual bent cigarette.

Aside from that, it's been a fabulously lazy vacation, where I recovered from work and baking by writing ALL OF THE WORDS and baking even more. So, win/win?

Being home always makes me realize how little I want to go back to Philadelphia, though. That's probably something I ought to think about a little more carefully, but...things are what they are, eh?

Oh, and I got like, every Sims 3 game and expansion. My family is a little concerned about the way I've been maniacally giggling at my computer.

How are all of you?

alemara — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 01:35:42 GMT

Naturally, after spending last weekend baking and candy making, my mom figured the thing I want to do most once I got home for break was: bake a cake for Christmas Eve dinner. Traditionally we have this with our family friends, and we always bring a cookie platter, but Mum wanted a cake or something else to go along with it, so here I am, melting more chocolate and crumbling more chocolate cookies.

Okay, you got me, I love it!

Another family tradition is listening to the Clancy Brothers Christmas album. It's a mad collection of Irish Christmas songs, but they also, apparently, love to bake, and there's a recipe for an Irish Pudding in the CD cover, though their directions are a bit...unorthodox. For example, the first ingredient on the list is: two bottles of John Jameson Irish Whiskey. Not for the pudding! Well, a splash of it is. More to brace the baker for the task at hand, like so:

First, pour yourself a strong two fingers of the creature and sip it while you contemplate the ingredients and generally get yourself together. (Note: a member of the opposite sex is always nice to have around when making a pudding and there is enough whiskey to be thoroughly convivial.)

They seem to have the right idea to me! Now it's watching episodes of Father Ted with the brother while my cake bakes. Merry Christmas Eve eve!

alemara — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 02:22:41 GMT

I'm having so much fun getting treats together to send out in my holiday packages! Pandora oldies station + baking + pajamas = a good time for Lorna. I hope to have them all out in the mail on Monday! After that, it's up to the elves...

I wish Z were around to watch Christmas movies and be silly with me, but he's working, like he has been most nights for the last two weeks. It's great that he has so many events, but it's kind of lonely over here. Fortunately, I have Max to keep me company. When he's not sleeping, that is.

Meme Monday

alemara — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:41:38 GMT

An old favorite, from lostinapapercup:

Leave a comment here and I'll pick five of your icons for you to explain, describe, or otherwise comment on.

And I thought this was adorable, so I'm stealing it from wanderlustlover:

Leave a ship here that I know, any ship (canon or AU, realized or unrealized), and I will tell you my opinion on:

who is the big spoon/little spoon
what is their favorite non-sexual activity
who uses all the hot water in the morning
what they order from take out
what is the most trivial thing they fight over
who does most of the cleaning
what has a season pass in their DVR
who controls the netflix queue
who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working
who steals the blankets
who leaves their stuff around
who remembers to buy the milk
who remembers anniversaries

Ask one, ask both, put a different meme in the comments, whatever. I just feel like a little interaction.

alemara — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 19:35:59 GMT

Hmmm, I guess I should have an actual update, aside from just offering up baked goods, huh? (But seriously, if you want some, sign up!)

My life is being taken over by my submission for this. Come December 1st, I'll actually have time for other pursuits again. I have a list of shows to watch, including Earth 2 and Sanctuary, and a slew of presents to make. Christmas is going to be a handmade one, by and large, this year.

I'm getting back to the gym, starting tomorrow. I'm sniffing out patterns to modify for various COSPLAYS OF AWESOME (yes, I need the entire nine months til D*Con to make the one I'm thinking of). Writing writing writing. I've got plenty to read once I have time for that, too, though first I have to suffer through Shiver for my Writing for T(w)eens class. It is AWFUL.

I wish I had something super exciting to report, like moving or getting that fellowship or whatever, but nope. My life = super boring.

How are you guys?

Holiday Baked Goods and Candy Fairy

alemara — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 19:23:25 GMT

Some of you may have noticed this pop up on my journal and thought that it was not meant for you.

YOU COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG. If you want delicious home-made treats this holiday, please sign up either at that entry or this one.

Please let me know:

- if you have any MUST HAVES (caramel, peanut butter, etc)

- any NO THANK YOUs (peanuts, dark chocolate, whatever)

- any preferences (sweet and salty mix, candy rather than cookies)

This will be the last call for a sign up, so I can get to bakin' and sending! Go ahead, you know you want something delicious to come in the mail...

alemara — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:19:43 GMT

BAM.

12442 / 15000 words. 83% done!

ALL THE WORDS

alemara — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 21:44:06 GMT

I'm sooooooo close:

11242 / 15000 words. 75% done!

If I can get 12,000 fairly polished words done in time to hand in at my 5:30pm class tonight, I'll take the night off.

Holiday Baked Goods and Treats Fairy!

alemara — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:13:07 GMT

I put this call out on Twitter, but for those of you who aren't on Twitter/didn't see it/thought it was not meant for you, I'm putting it here, too! Every year for the holidays I do a crazy amount of candy making and baking for gifts, and this year, I thought it might be nice to spread the love a little more. So! If you want something delicious and homemade, go ahead and comment and I'll add you to the list! Please let me know:

- if you have any allergies (like peanuts)
- if you prefer candy, cookies, baked goods, chocolate (or all of the above!)
- if there is anything you don't like

I'll send out a request for addresses once I have an idea of how many people want to get in on this. Unfortunately, it's probably going to have to be domestic only, though if I can figure out the best way to ship stuff overseas, I will! (I'm looking at you, ashavah!)

Now I need to go write about seven thousand words. Easy, right?

alemara — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 02:44:32 GMT

It is freaking cold in my apartment. The heat just leaks right out the door and windows.

Um, news! Of a sort. My writing professor gave each of us an ARC of her newest book, so that's super cool. Swagged! I also have an audition for an a capella group on Wednesday. I guess I should really pick a song to sing, huh?

Once again, I totally missed Halloween. I comfort myself with the hope that by this time next year, I ought to have at least a small handful of go-to costumes on hand, because really, this is pathetic. No one at work dressed up. It's a University! There ought to be people in ridiculous costumes!

I feel so restless. I want to go somewhere I've never been and go exploring.

Writing, sewing, madness with ashavah, and playing with my cat are pretty much the best parts of life right now. Things with Z are ... hmm. Complex.

How are you all?

Why don't I have a writing icon?

alemara — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 19:55:14 GMT

I have a Goal.

I can totally have a polished 15000 word submission drafted, edited, and polished by Dec. 1st.

Right?

6808 / 15000 words. 45% done!

Why not?

alemara — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 01:02:59 GMT

MAH ICONS.

default	oldest	newest


saddest	happiest	angriest


cutest	sexiest	funniest


fave ship	fave fandom	fave animated


best quote	best textless	best stolen idea


use the most	favorite

HOW MANY ICONS DO YOU HAVE: 131
OUT OF HOW MANY AVAILABLE ICONS SPACES: 196
IF YOU COULD BUY SPACE FOR MORE, WOULD YOU: No, I'm good for now.
DO YOUR ICONS MAKE A STATEMENT: Occasionally? When they remember to, presumably.
WHAT FANDOM DO YOU HAVE THE MOST ICONS OF: True Blood
AND THE SECOND MOST: Stargate Atlantis (these two things may be related)
WHAT SHIP DO YOU HAVE THE MOST ICONS OF: Anne and Gilbert have two ... I don't have many shippy icons.
ARE YOUR ICONS MADE MOSTLY BY OTHER PEOPLE: Nope! Most are by me.
DO YOU MAKE ICONS: Plz see above.
ARE THEY ANY GOOD: Kind of a rude question! I like them, but I can't speak for anyone else.
ANIMATED ICONS ARE: Fun sometimes.

DO THE MEME.
Coding can be found here

How dark is too dark?

alemara — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 17:25:42 GMT

So, on Monday, I had my first class for the YA writing seminar I'm taking this semester, and right away the professor dropped us into a debate, sparked by a June 2011 WSJ article by Meghan Cox Gurdon about how YA fiction these days is just too damn dark and disturbing. Sherman Alexie posted a response to her only a few days later, and Chris Cutcher posted another a few weeks afterwards. The prof read us a few snippets of these and then asked us: is YA fiction, in our opinion, dangerously dark now? Do writers have a responsibility to kids to keep things a little less graphic, a little less grim? Is reading a dark book cathartic for readers who might have gone through something similiar? Or do they give kids ideas?

Personally, I think the problem stems from when writers romanticize destructive behavior (a la Bella Swan's near-suicidal desperation to hallucinate her boyfriend in New Moon, the obessesion with the romance of Romeo & Juliet, etc.). I also think that the YA genre is too widespread to possibly define in such simplistic terms. The protagonists of The Chronicles of Narnia deal with the epic battle of good vs. evil, while Speak is about rape and its effects. Shiver deals with the same sort of supernatural darkness as Twilight. I don't think the three can be considered to be dealing with the same kind of darkness, and I think there's also a lot to be said for books that allow young readers to form their own opinions and reactions to dark, troubling, or challenging subject matter.

I also think that kids will read what they want to read, and if other people want to be part of a child's reading experience, then they should read along with them and be there to discuss what questions the child might have, what they liked or didn't like, what the book brought home to them.

But it's a huge debate, so I thought I'd weight in with you guys, who are some of the most intelligent, eloquent people I know, and who are also (mainly) avid readers and lovers of YA fiction, and, of course, fiction of all kinds.

What do you all think?

Meghan Cox Gurdon's original WSJ article:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303657404576357622592697038.html

Sherman Alexie
http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2011/06/09/why-the-best-kids-books-are-written-in-blood/#

Chris Crutcher
http://www.chriscrutcher.com/to-meghan-cox-gurdonwsj.html

Gwynne's Fandoms-as-Relationships Meme

alemara — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 16:24:27 GMT

The one who seduced you, screwed you over, broke your heart in a million pieces, and laughed about it: His Dark Materials. Phillip Pullman is king of the heart-wrenching ending.

The old flame you don't see very often any more but whom you still really enjoy getting together with for a few drinks and maybe a pleasant nostalgic romp: Narnia.

The mysterious dark one whom you used to sit up with talking until 3 AM at weird coffee houses and with whom you were quite smitten until you realized s/he really was fucking crazy: True Blood. Only, I can't quit you, True Blood! Just stop making me mad at you, please. And cast Jason Momoa as Quinn. Thanks!

The one you spent a whole weekend in bed with and who drank up all your liquor and whom you'd still really like to get with again, although you're relieved s/he doesn't actually live in town: Avatar:TLA. Honestly, it's good for me that there's only three seasons of this, otherwise it would eat me alive.

The steady: Stargate: Atlantis. I love Atlantis. It never fails to bring me joy. It's so campy and fun and self-aware, and then all of a sudden: BAM, awesome story-telling. I can't believe it wasn't in my life until just this year (thanks again, ashavah!)

The alluring stranger whom you've flirted with at parties but have never gotten really serious with: Veronica Mars.

The one you hang out with and have vague fantasies about maybe having a thing with, but ultimately you're just good buddies: Firefly.

The one your friends keep introducing you to and who seems like a hell of a cool person except it's never really gone anywhere: BSG. I just can't get into it, even though I know I would love the characters. I just can't handle how damn depressing the show is.

The one who's slept with all your friends, and you keep looking at them and thinking, "How the hell did they land all these cool people?" : The Dark Tower. You had me right up til the fourth book, sai King, but at least now I know where to stop in my re-reads.

The one who gave you the best damned summer of your life and against whom you measure all other potential partners: Brokeback Mountain. We had a fervent but brief love affair, and there is nothing I don't love about it still.

The one you recently met at a party and would like to get to know better: Torchwood. Captain Jack is just so very alluring.

The old flame that you wouldn't totally object to hooking up with again for a one night romp if only they'd clean up a bit: Supernatural. I love you, SPN, but I don't trust you like I used to. Still, the good times are so good...

Your hot new flame: Doctor Who. This was going to be Torchwood, but DW got me hook, line, and sinker with S4. DONNA! I love her forever. Still assessing how I feel about the Eleven-Amy-Rory-River combo, though so far my judgment seems to be River rocks.

The one who stole your significant other: Game of Thrones.

Silver linings

alemara — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 00:39:43 GMT

winding_path and ashavah made me smile on today when not much else did.

I count that as a win! Love <3

Also, I'm inheriting a 12-string guitar tonight. Win x2.

alemara — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 11:26:04 GMT

Just realized I have totally not posted in forever, so like intheblue, I'm doing my update list-style.

1. Summer hours are almost over at the office. I'm clinging to that half-hour of freedom until it's taken away at the end of August. Projects are piling up and I can feel myself getting cranky and annoyed at the amount of things I need to do/get done/figure out, even though, hi, I'm the admin assistant, that's what we're for.

2. So I've been writing a lot, because when I'm stressed out, that's the best way to level the playing field. I figure I'd rather be worried about sentence structure and plot and "what does this really mean, anyway?" than prosaic office work, and it's been working out okay, until prosaic office work gets in the way.

3. I spent this weekend with my sister at her new place in Providence. We went to the Newport Folk Festival with a cousin of ours and had a ridiculous amount of fun: saw The Wailin' Jennies, Earl Scruggs, Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlings, The Decemberists, Freelance Whales, and a bunch of bands I've never heard of before. Newport is gorgeous, full of sailboats that I want to own one day.

4. That's made me all excited to play more music, so I've been doing that, too. I'm thinking I might go busking the next few weekends and see if I can earn a little spare cash for #5:

5. Dragon*Con! Words cannot express how excited I am about this, although I've already spent too much money and will likely spend too much more. It's the first real con I'm going to, and I can't wait to hang out with old 'Ways folks and spend the entire weekend geeking out. It will be glorious.

Also, I totally get to meet Joe Flanigan, which makes me giggly and shy just thinking about it.

6. Max has been playing with a poor moth for the entire time I've been typing this. Just eat it already, man!

7. I'm training for a 10k -- not for any particular reason, mostly just: "why the hell not?" Yesterday's session was painful. Not gonna lie. But it's a good feeling to push myself a little more and train a little faster than I had last winter: I could run a solid 5k but slooooooowly.

8. Well, I lied, slightly. There might be a reason to train myself into a better runner, but ... I need to think about it a whole lot before I decide anything. It'll probably come up here sometime sooner or later, because it's the sort of thing I could use advice on. Cryptic!

9. I saw Captain America. It was super enjoyable, but not as much as I thought it would be and I'm not sure why.

10. How are you all?

My name is

alemara — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 18:11:07 GMT

Every now and again, I kind of want to put Earl Hickey in at Milliways and let him create a List there and then try to fix things. I think it would be all kinds of amusing.

In other news, I'm making a cake for Z's sister's birthday today, and it is already delicious, despite only being in batter form. Mmmmm, chocolate sour cream cake! So tasty.

So....

alemara — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 14:58:37 GMT

I just got my ticket to Dragon*Con!

WOO!

More musings on con stuff

alemara — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 13:33:32 GMT

So, I'm eying plane tickets in my price range and the membership which hasn't quite spiked yet, but I'm wondering:

A) Who's going, and for what days? (I've mostly shied away from cons due to never having anyone around to hang out with. LAME.)

B) Whether anyone needs to split a room/has a floor for crashing (not imperative, as I have an uncle who lives there, but isn't half the fun staying with other fandom folks?)

I am painfully new at this whole con business.

Con time?

alemara — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 11:24:15 GMT

I ... kind of want to go to Dragon Con, despite not going to a con for years and how crazy expensive it is.

This is in no way influenced by the fact that Joe Flanigan is one of the guests.

(That's a lie.)

Any thoughts? I know a bunch of you all are headed that way. Is there room for one more in the 'Ways gang?

alemara — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 19:10:11 GMT

Oh, hey!

No, I'm not procrastinating from one of my MILLION + projects ... much. Maybe I just got all excited to see some posts from people I haven't seen around much, and realized I'm guilty of the same sins. Whups! Let me rectify.

The Waystation has been eating up most of my fannish time and energy and I couldn't be happier! I love writing it, I love my partner in crime, ashavah, and I love what we've been doing with it. It's a great time. I'm excited to write some fic, though, for ineedmyfics ... though this time I'll try to keep the word count under control.

I love my job. It's summer, and the office is mostly dead, but all that means is that we're working on larger projects, which means my days are no longer filled entirely by making supply orders and scheduling meetings. I've taken on a larger role in the office and am bravely attempting to spearhead our movement into the 21st century via the brand-spankin'-new Twitter account I've set up, a blog, and FB. So that's fun.

I just got back from a weeklong, glorious vacation on Cape Cod, where I did absolutely nothing except read, enjoy beautiful weather, and sail. It was wonderful, but it did make me realize (again) just how much I miss and long for New England. Philly just doesn't do it for me anymore, so I told my dad, mom, and sister to keep an eye out for jobs. It's time to move back home, I think. I mean, it's not like I can learn how to windsurf in Philly, right?

At least, it will be time, AFTER I take this course next fall! Come on, how could I possibly resist? Perhaps also this or this. Sensing a theme? It likely has to do with the above mentioned projects. Or the above mentioned search for jobs. Unfortunately, this means I don't think the partially planned trip with Z. out West to the great Pacific Northwest and Cali will happen. Don't know what will happen with the two of us if I manage to find something back home; it's not something I particularly care to spend a lot of time thinking and worrying about. Whatever happens, happens.

Oh, but I am going back for a weekend to hit up the Newport Folk Fest with my sister and cousin. It should be awesome.