classified

Proper Update

alafaye — Sun, 02 Feb 2025 23:07:10 GMT

Sort of at least. My brain is a bit scattered. You would think yay house things are good and yeah some of it but hard to enjoy when your brain is screaming like a meteor enting the atmosphere. Complete with flames.

like everything else with the process there was little communication from the sellers so it was a huge muck up that involved me channeling all of the things I've learned at work about communicating because if I didn't things were gonna be bad.

Once I did the closing I heard nothing until about November I think? And it was a "hey we need your PO Box for the warranty info. We needed it yesterday. Also here's utility info" with no other information like ya know when I would need to have an account for the electricity opened. And of course I hadn't yet set up a PO Box (needed it because the USPS doesn't deliver to the park (wtaf)) because it costs money right? (Found out after the fact that because the USPS doesn't deliver here it would be free though the flip side is that the Post Office that serves this town doesn't offer a physical address for ya know those packages that need a physical address.)

And then I'm ya know waiting for any other updates like idk a date for when they will need electric turned on to do the set up.

Which I get. The day of -_-

Then silence again.

Finally "hey you want to do the look around and get your keys? We can do this tomorrow!"

And I'm panicking because hey yeah thanks for this last minute notice when I need to have $2k for you and reserve a truck and figure out taking time off work. Thank you. This is all so helpful timing wise. Especially because we needed to move in and get a list together of what is broken in the house within 30 days.

Sigh. I had $1500 for the deposit. A friend loaned me $2000 for the rest and to help me get through the transition - a bunch of small bills, the rental truck, the rest of the deposit, and a few other small things for the house like shelves. And apparently a shower curtain rod (neither of the bathrooms had them! Wtaf). Also someone gave me $100 for hannakah and later in January my front desk coworkers got me $75. So I got some paint and supplies and did a huge chunk of painting before we moved in once I had the keys - this way we wouldn't have to move furniture to paint after the fact. We also got a few things for the living room such as one of those cubby bookshelves for craft supplies.

I ended up taking out the mirror in my bathroom to make room for bathroom shelving - I wanted the storage space more than a giant mirror. I mean it was giant to me but I think it was maybe 2.5 ft by 3 ft? But I am 5 ft 4 inches so it was big for me. Had to break it up to get it off though, oop. It was glued on we think for the transport so whatever. It's off and I have bathroom shelves. And I got a hook for the unit that holds my makeup and for now I have a little mirror that's enough for shaving and putting make up on. I'll get a wall unit that can extend out later on.

The sellers were nice enough to put up blinds and valences but we have since removed them - the valences were not our color or pattern. The blinds were removed because a) one of the cats will destroy them b) I am severely allergic to dust and I hate dusting especially blinds so they had to go. Some of them went to the goodwill and some went to a coworker who needed them. Win win.

We do still need to get a few things for the common area - a sofa for one as the futon has become my sister's if only because she doesn't have a bed otherwise, but even once she does it'll still be hers - her cat has destroyed the underside of it and also puked on what fabric remained underneath so really it's the cat's futon now. But we also will get a dining table and chairs, a kitchen hutch, a closet for cleaning stuff, and a cabinet for a pantry. The house is very, very basic. We gained kitchen storage and closet space, but lost storage otherwise.

Which is dealable - there are a lot of options out there for making storage and the house is long enough for us to adjust. Also given that this is a mobile/manufactured home, we can just get it up and move it out. That is my future plan; the state is going to be opening up land for residential zoning so I can expect that there'll be something I can snatch up and develop. From there move the house to the land and make the home a double wide.

Otherwise, it's nice to have a bedroom that has electricity and also has a vent for the heat. Since I want to get better bookshelves than particle board those went to my sister and I'm looking at other options. Right now my books are in boxes still but I am unpacked enough otherwise that I know what space I have left in my bedroom - I can indeed have the layout I want. There's a wall that'll be just clothes - the closet and my bureau. Then my bed. And there's a good bit left that I can put up enough shelves for books plus a small desk and then a chair for reading. (My plan for the double wide addition as planned would be that I would gain a space for my own "living room".)

We still also have painting to do - need a few quarts of the colors we picked for the living room. And I do have the paint for the kitchen and what will be the laundry room, I just haven't found the gumption yet because it's been one thing after another once we did move so I just haven't had the wherewithal.

Otherwise things have been. Well. They've been.

I've been forced to have to deal with some other possible PTSD that was brought to the surface by something I read about - I'm waiting for an appointment to address fully, but it's brought back my night time teeth grinding and making my headaches worse. I saw my neurologist who upped my anxiety med for me - I don't have a PCP at the moment so he's handling this for me because it's affecting my headaches and migraines.

I have an appointment with a hematologist Tuesday to find out what's what with my blood and iron and all that jazz. I'm hoping to get some direction to go in because I cannot keep on with this fatigue. And also I have an appointment with the nutritionist to see if I can come up with a meal plan - with the diet my urologist wants me on for my kidneys I'm at a block for what to eat. And I suspect it means I'm not eating enough >.< Which is probably contributing to my fatigue. Sigh.

My sister...well where to start? She got into an accident back in October I think? - no major injuries, but it totaled her car because she was rear ended and there's a part back there that controlled something in the motor. The cost of repair was more than totalling it so there that went. And because she still owed a lot on it still and had no cash reserves, she had no choice but to go back to the dealer who had sold it to her and held the loan. The week she went up to get a new car from them her cat got pneumonia which was a $700 bill.

And then it turns out her new job is only 32 hours a week. She is in debt to me up to her damn eyeballs - I wasn't going to let her cat just have pneumonia but the vet wasn't going to treat her without payment. At this point my sister can give me maybe $100 every pay check and that's in grocery only. And she hems and haws about my grocery requests. Like. If I was eating properly my bill would be more. She's lucky I'm only eating that much right now. (To say nothing of the fact that I'm paying entirely for her cat right now - the cats eat the same food and now they use the same litter. But before she was using a different litter I had added it to my chewy order because then I knew there was always litter for both boxes when I cleaned rather than maybe getting some from my sister and it had just ended up being that I pay for it all.)

And then on top of that the dumb fuck she was dating turned out to be abusive and stalkery and hey my sister is pregnant because she wasn't using any form of birth control -_- and so now that shes pregnant she can't take any of her meds so all of her chronic illnesses are flaring up and she can't do shit all.

I am trying to not think too much about it all because it does nothing for my anxiety, stress, or blood pressure. We have talked and I've made it clear that she needs to find a therapist to deal with her shit because I am not dealing with her dating any more dumb fucks (this latest was part of a clear pattern that I starting to figure out why she dates them), that after the birth she needs to be on birth control, and that she needs to figure out how to pay for shit because I can't keep carrying her. Plus I told her straight up that if she doesn't step up or just ups and quits any progress that I will have no fucks to give - I will sue for custody and kick her out. She's agreed to it all even that last bit, but we haven't been able to connect since because of the stress of the move and now me trying to make ends meet with bills that she was supposed to have a hand in and now can't because she up and changed careers and now will need money for the kid.

She is getting WIC and she has a social worker whose gonna try to get shit sped up with SNAP for my sister plus look into anything else that'll help. Which may include in home help for up to two years post birth - that'll be help with laundry and cleaning. Which good because again my sister is doing fuck all. (I briefly considered that hey maybe it's because I am not communicating clearly what I need from her but no the chores are the same every week and she even has the app I use for the chores - and it's a paid family account! She can see everything that needs doing! And it's been like this for years. I set up the paid account when she moved in with me over a year ago now.)

I'm in the process of sitting with it all and am slowly turning my brain around to a different track with regards to her. I can live on my own no problem - if I kicked her out now I would be fine mentally. I don't need to live with someone. Having said that, I do like living with her. So I just need to change shit up so that I'm tying our living situation to company rather than money. It's hard for obvious reasons, but I've started the process. It's making me more prickly than usual given the everything else going on and I'll have to explain myself eventually but for now this will have to be enough.

I'm waiting for our union contract to shake out - negotiations have been ongoing so nothing solid yet, but last meeting with the employer, the union brought to the table that the minimum for staff should be $25 with guaranteed raises more than current rates over the next few years. But that increase would be 30% and I don't think the employer is gonna go for that. It would be fucking amazing - I wouldn't then have to worry about my sister getting me any money, but I don't think it'll happen. I'll take even a 10% increase at this point, but we'll see what happens. I think the next meeting is this week when we get to see the employer counter offer. Fingers crossed.

Work wise things are shit. Our new admin is working out great so that's been a help. However, the provider we hired last March left in December. Unexpectedly. And she took on patients of the other provider who left in September. And that provider? Also left unexpectedly so our newest provider not only took on those patients but had also been seeing patients from our wait list - so it was a hey yeah so we know we got you in for an appointment, but it'll be your only one. The other providers in the office were not able to absorb any of these patients so they were covering, but basically none of the patients had a PCP (including me incidentally).

Also because of a mix up in communication some of the September provider patients didn't understand that that provider left - and we're still getting calls from ppl who don't know. Now also add in that we had another provider who reduced her hours so she had to change how patients she sees and guess who their new provider was? That's right the December provider.

And the provider who reduced her hours? Yeah so our employer has a department that manages mass letters. And we gave them a month to get that sorted and so I started the calls to be like ok let's get you rescheduled - only to find out none of them knew. And we then found out oh hey that department that manages the mass mailing? Are not only a few months behind but someone ain't paying the bills to the postal system so the letters might be just hanging out in a warehouse somewhere waiting for someone to pay a bill.

That's about when we found out that while at a local level we can't do a mass mailing, we could them one at a time. Which is a pain but hey we then know the job is getting done.

We finally have a new provider hired and she starts seeing patients in March.

But then in May - well. Our medical network has had to announce cuts - see the state where I live has a board that oversees hospitals. It's meant to help keep them in check and all that. Last year my network presented their budget proposal. The oversight board shot it down saying the network is charging patients too much. The network then announced a) no holiday bonus for staff (except as we later found out the top 300 executives) and b) closures. It's been a big to do and there are lots of patients calling to transfer before their PCP office closes - because one of the closures is a PCP clinic. Now my clinic isn't taking new patients - we are considered overburdened and can't take more patients.

But! We apparently have the space to add a provider. Arguably yes but the plan was to add a provider to help with the overburden problem. Well. We're still getting that at some point in the future, but we are also bringing in one of the providers whose clinic is closing. With his full panel of at least 600 patients. We will at least be gaining as well a nurse, medical assistant, and rn. But we were already straining the space of the clinic and now. Well. We're taking it day by day and getting really creative and learning how to bump elbows kindly.

So there it all is. Messy and terrible and I am taking shit day by day because otherwise I am gonna have a complete breakdown.

I do have a list of what I need to help shit even out enough for me to feel like things are manageable - it however involves time and money. Time for things at work to stop changing up so that I don't have to verbally communicate or interact with anyone. Money to get the bare minimum at the house - bookshelves, reading chair, and a sofa.

Should be there by I think May - that should be enough time for work to sort out even as that'll be when we have the provider whose transferring with his patients. And that should be enough time for the union contract to be settled and the pay raise come through no matter how small. (My tax return which should be enough as I get a credit for buying a house will go to paying back the friend who loaned me moving money.)

alafaye — Mon, 06 Jan 2025 20:48:45 GMT

Proper update will be forthcoming, but I am living in my house as of Saturday!

hey it's September already!

alafaye — Sun, 15 Sep 2024 18:48:50 GMT

How'd that happen??

I mean nothing much has changed. Work continues we've only replaced one of my admins so far. Another starts next week and we are definitely going to be making sure to stick to the probation period so we don't end up with the issues we had with our last round. If she fits and she's good we'll keep her. If she's not well find another location for her. We obviously have the goal that I should be able to get on with anyone as I'm a supervisor, but we also want to make sure we have people who understand sometimes we're all a little snappish.

My boss has put his foot down about making sure I go home on time instead of racking up OT. Mostly because of my health - he knows if I overwork my migraines are gonna get worse again and so will my anxiety and overstimulation. Good news is that we've actually been able to get floats in to help out which means I have less to make sure they get done which makes it easier to go home on time.

My review went well. Some areas of course that need shoring up but I'll get there. Mostly it's about a) getting a clear outline of my responsibilities especially from management and b) my own work on interpersonal communication and such. For the b part I've actually been doing better because of some of my Jewish studies (I follow a few groups/rabbis that take the frame work of commandments and mitzvahs into a usable guide of how we live in society and how to do better with each other). There are a few things through work that I can use; hopefully I get more people trained and I can do those soon.

My manager and I are gonna work together to see what we can do for outlining my responsibilities and what leadership needs from my position and hopefully it'll also help the rest of the office not to look to me for anything outside my scope. Not that I don't often have the answers but I shouldn't be providing support sometimes.

Also non clinical staff at my job have unionized! I won't get the usual raise that comes with review time but that's because we're in contract negotiations and status quo. Given that the nurses got a raise with their contract negotiations, we should as well.

In non work stuff:

No house yet. We did the close so that's at least all set and the town we'll be moving to has their records locked to registered town users so that's some good news for safety for us both. The close should mean the house is ordered, but who knows how long that'll take.

I'm of two minds about it - on the one hand money. My sister just got into a job where she'll be training for clinical roles and responsibilities so she got a pay cut even though it'll pay off in the future. It does mean however that we are strapped for cash after the closing and her pay cut. We'll need to come up with $2000 for the lot deposit and then however much for the moving truck and help (my knees definitely cannot manage moving boxes down the stairs - they aren't stable enough right now, all hyper mobile). And since I closed this year I can claim the house on my taxes next year. So time would mean more money for those things.

On the other hand, not moving means that in November when we have the mortgage payments kick in we won't have too much post bills and such for groceries and cat supplies (and getting rid of the cats is a hard no).

Another factor in all this is that the apartment we're in just keeps getting worse. The roof is finally not leaking near as we can tell, but now I don't have electricity in my bedroom or half the bathroom. This started back in June and so far we're waiting for an electrician to show up (which given that the state keeps flooding necessitating repair work...)

I am very tired of housing things right now.

Health things I'm good. Well as much as they can be. No more kidney stones so far. My big one is chilling in my kidneys not near the exit so it gets to hang with me forever. I am on a low oxalate diet to see if that'll prevent more from forming plus drinking all the fucking water.

Flip side of that is it excludes some of the higher iron foods and my iron is low. My doctor agreed to refer me to a hematologist given my blood levels plus some weird fam medical history (my sister had heart problems when she wasn't getting her period; stopped birth control, started getting her period again, and doesn't need her heart med) and even though i am producing a lot of blood i am low in iron.

So now I'm looking at the info sheets for iron and kidney stones and what my body will let me eat (allergies or ya know texture issues like hummus) and just wanting to give up on food altogether. Plus riding the edge of my history of eating disorder. It's fine. I'm not producing more kidney stones and I'm drinking more liquid and my migraines are better. So could be worse.

Anyway there's all that jazz. Could be worse.

Cats are good. They had their annual back in August and they're healthy. Got their shots including a distemper - we may live on the third floor but we have mice apparently. I caught one and threw it outside, but the second one my cat Daeglan caught and dismembered it for me to find. I thought at first he had pooped around it to like hide it or something, but then I went to do the clean up and uh no that was...yeah. I love that he's a great hunter, but my dude that is not necessary.

I haven't been doing a lot of crafts lately, but I have been reading books. Sorta slacked on the weekly Torah portions, but I caught up so there's that. Slowly getting back into my yoga routine and trying to meditate again. Weather cooled out and we upped my insomnia med so I'm sleeping which means I have some energy on the weekends now for actually cooking meals instead of oh guess it's chicken nuggets again.

And I'm slowly getting to a place where I am taking care of things in the house again instead of basic cleanings every week. Cleaning the oven. Deep scrubbing the shower stall. Today I conditioned the wooden kitchen things and took apart a pan that well. All I can say is that it's something I didn't think about and now I have energy I'm like nope that getting a deep clean. At least it wasn't any build up on the part I put the food on.

Small steppy is better than no steppy and all that.

check in

alafaye — Sun, 28 Jul 2024 21:24:40 GMT

Have been regularly checking in just not as often or commenting much. I am reading everyone's posts - mixed bag of things but I'm glad everyone is safe still (I hope. I haven't checked in the last two weeks)

Everything continued as it had been except work really. Another team member put in her two weeks so I've lost two staff - one going back to school and another to a better paying job. My part timer who was full time got moved to a department that has one admin and will for the next few months so fair trade off. The one we did hire has completed her training and is working on her own which is good. We have had some great interviews but keep loosing people to better pay jobs or they don't follow through on the reference checks. We're at a good place but it's definitely been interesting staffing wise.

Good news is we are finally back to four nurses instead of two so once they're trained up and are familiar without workflows I'll have less to do as I've been providing some back up for them (such as processing faxed refills and pending referrals. I can't sign off on anything and it does go through a clinical review but it's all the little steps making life easier.)

My surgery went very easy and so far knock on wood no complications. My migraines have improved and I'm taking less time off for them so yay for that. I did develop some kidney stones which hurt like fuck. Their pain also set off other chronic pain but got through it in less than two weeks. I do have another one though and I have an imaging appointment set up to see where the fuck it is in my kidneys so we can figure out what do with it. If it's in the actual kidney it's gonna live there until I die, but if it's near where the kidney meets my urine out put I'm gonna need to do something before it tries to pass - it's a 6 mm one and a usual stone is 1 to 2 mm or smaller.

I have since been drinking so much more liquid and I hate going to the bathroom this much but hopefully it means no more kidney stones.

House buying continues, but bank approved my loan so we're in the final stretches for that. My application for the down deposit program is being processed and tomorrow we have an appointment to pick colors and all that jazz. I've been looking at all the various bits of furniture we might need since we're gonna have more space and some of my stuff is old enough it should be replaced (mostly I mean my mattress since it's ten years old and idk if mattress technology has come far enough I don't need to replace it but with my chronic pain it's probably better to assume the mattress needs replacing to help me manage the pain best.) I'm thinking of getting a queen size now that I'm gonna have a 12 by 13 room instead of being crammed into subsidy and cheap housing. I have found a lovely iron metal bed frame that has the canopy poles on Amazon (from the same company that made my microwave cart which is holding up) and the bed frame is less than $150 so that is gonna happen once we're moved. (Any of my extra money right now is being held for the last bits of the closing costs and actually moving since I'm gonna hire movers just for loading.)

Otherwise yeah just continuing on.

Well

alafaye — Sat, 11 May 2024 20:26:32 GMT

I did give a heads up last post that I'm here but not here and uh yeah wasn't here. (To be honest I opened up my laptop only because I got a new CD i need to rip to mp3 format and I was like huh yeah should check in.)

I do miss the days where we were all so busy on our DW/LJ! It just isn't the same, is it? I know that's the nature of things especially for fandom, but it's sad. And to be honest unless I'm missing something fandom just isn't the same now we don't have the forums or the journal sites. Tumblr isn't the same and AO3 is a library, not discussions or fests really. And as someone pointed out on tumblr, the way we interact with media isn't the same — shows drop a season all at once with no filler episodes; the way fandoms were built before isn't the same now we aren't getting one episode at a time.

I mean podcasts do that, but podcasts don't have the same pull of fandom as shows and movies do.

For my part I stopped checking in so often when there was less posting, but in that time I was doing some growth - personally and professionally which impacted how I spent my time off. And of course the covid shut in times changed us all.

Well, anyway, I am still here. Still more active on tumblr and mastadon, but most of my non work time is with books or crafts. *shrug*

Work continues which actually is nice to have something steadily quiet. May not stay that way for long - one of my team realized she didn't want to work full time so she's pivoted to a part time float (we couldn't keep her as part time in our office or we'd never get back that full time position). She's in our office until we hire her replacement so that's something, but she only works three days a week now. And then another one has taken a job somewhere else (which is actually a blessing for me because she was the one I had the most trouble managing) and while we had posted for three positions - to cover the one who is now part time and two more we got approval for since our office has grown - we now need to find four people and it means I have to be way more patient facing than is good for anyone. Anyone who has been involved with my healthcare knows that I should not be interacting with other people for long lengths of time and for good reason, but needs must. I'll have to trust my manager to have my back and help me work with solutions.

Our nurses union got their contract finalized without striking so that was good news all around and one of the benefits is that schedules get posted two months in advance. I like it because I have to constantly be looking month ahead in our appointments and knowing staffing helps me manage everything. The campaign to get non clinical staff unionized is under way and it looks like we're at half support, but it may be down to lack of understanding and also lack of time to actually talk about what it means and what it can bring since non clinical staff tend to not get time between tasks (my team alone can spend all day just answering calls with no room between calls for food, drink, or bathroom time we're that slammed). We'll find out I suppose.

I did have to tell one of the campaigners to back off me though - they're looking at just getting people talking and connecting right now and I don't have the space in my life to not only do that, but also practice my social skills for it. I'm having to do it enough at my job, but to also do so outside it? Uh yeah no that's...no. But also personally there's too much going on for me to put time aside to figure this out as well because I have no social graces or tact so gently guide those kinds of conversations - I'm just like "union? yes this is good benefits okay? ok bye." but it requires a bit more tact that being direct. So I've told the campaigner talking to me that I'm not the person she is looking for and if that's all that's needed right now count me out. I'll give my vote, but that's all you're gonna get out of me right now.

In non work items:

Recently took a week off work - during Pesach. Mostly because I knew from last year it was easier for me to manage the diet change if I wasn't working. I did learn more this year so I think next year will be easier for me to work part time during that week. It was nice though having the time off. I did an errand that's a bit far for me normally to get my CBD medical stuffs and went on a hike that day. Very nice. I went to a natural history museum and art museum - much fun. Lots of shells. Went to a small book shop during small bookshop saturday and scored a good deal on books plus a freebie. Did much resting. Caught up on Murdoch Mysteries and did some cross stitch. Caught up on the weekly Torah portion. Good week off.

Got my sterilization surgery scheduled so that's happening in July. I'm so excited, but also it will be a huge weight off. The idea of pregnancy is worse than a horror movie plot to me so having that removed from my body will be amazing. Uh, got to the neurologist about my migraines - first appointment had to be cancelled because we got a snow storm and there was an accident that took hours to clear out, but scored one the next day yay. We started a new medication that seems to be working so far. Fingers crossed it keeps working. My follow up is actually a week before my surgery lol. I had to changed my prescriber for my testosterone to my PCP - I was seeing someone at planned parenthood, but they require an appointment for every refill and they keep messing up my injection needle. Now the only issue we're hitting is medication shortage (of course what isn't on shortage now)

The cats are still good and healthy. Daeglan remains not happy with my sister's cat being in my space so I'm being more cautious around her so she feels a bit less welcome in my company. Seems to be working, but we'll find out. This weekend is difficult for both of them though because my sister is away in her old state to check on her storage unit and visit her partner (long distance, poly - they're happy and its working for them) - so my sister's cat is needing to be with me more. It's been interesting.

I finally did a closet clearing out - got rid of clothes that I didn't really vibe with anymore, got rid of clothes that didn't fit me well anymore (having been stretched out in the chest due to breasts that I don't have now), got rid of clothes that are too small for me now. I did add to my closet, but not to excess, just filling in the gaps I created with the getting rid of. Wonderfully I didn't spend too much - Walmart has been having some good stuff for clothes and they're soft! I am so happy with my clothes these last few weeks. I've even gotten some PJs.

I had to replenish my supply of books since I got through the last big batch I'd gotten sometime last year. Been a bit more choosy, but also it's harder to pick which ones - I now have a dedicated budget for books which means I can buy actual books instead of just mostly e-books and also now in addition to having the space to return to sci fi and fantasy I'm also reading horror! When I buy I like to make sure to have a good mix of genres, but there's just so many and especially since the libraries I live near have their book sales - cheap books! So hard to choose.

And lastly I guess I can mention that I am buying a house!!!!! Yes, it is happening. Now, it won't be much bigger than a decent apartment, but it's a house! It's property that's mine to do with and help me build up my financial self. There are actually a good handful of grants and programs in my state that help with down deposits or foundations (for manufactured homes) that I'm actually making out nicely. The sales people I found are being helpful with getting signed up for the programs and yeah they're legit - I checked. Given my budget, I don't get much wiggle room for options - or any really. I mean we get to choose colors and wood and all the fiddly bits, but not for the layout. Still, we'll get two bedrooms and two full baths and an open concept common space for the kitchen and living room. We also get to choose the size of the rooms within the length we've been offered which we've decided will make it so we each get a master bedroom size space; it'll end up with 24 feet of common space. It's a 13 foot wide unit so I mean altogether that isn't bad. We could have chosen a unit with only one bathroom, but this way we can each shower without worrying about waking up the other (since we work such opposite shifts) and also the cats can keep two litter boxes without one being in someone's bedroom (which is where it is now, but the bathroom should be for their poop boxes too!).

Right now we are waiting for the grants/programs to come through so I can then apply for the mortgage. We'll be put on a wait list then and from there we wait, but the company said we're likely looking at August. That'll be July for actually picking out all the bits (e.g. paint) so we can put in our order. We don't get much choice about where we get to live - the grants limit which parks/communities we can choose and of course the housing crisis limits availability, but we scoped out the community and it will definitely do for us. The company will do all the foundation work and hook up for water/sewer/electric/gas plus installing the house. With the lot rent, my mortgage payment will be a bit under $1200 a month. Not bad, not bad. It's not what we wanted, but it'll hold us over until I can get paid more and I can use it as deposit for the next place that we actually want instead of being stuck with what I can afford without anything to put toward the purchase.

I've got a meeting to talk with Fidelty who holds my 401K from work and I'm considering using some of that fund to buy some furniture for the place - my little 5 foot futon will definitely look absurd in a 15 foot living room and also my bed is 10+ years old so it does need replacing in addition to being a 7 foot bed that'll be going into a 12 by 13 space. I'll see. I don't want to take out a loan in addition to the mortgage or even another credit card. It'll work out I think.

And yeah that's...that's it. Busy, but in good ways and for good things.

Oops

alafaye — Sun, 03 Mar 2024 23:52:57 GMT

Looks like my last post was about Casper; I didn't mean to just...disappear. Things have just been weird in my brain.

Work has continued apace/as it had been from the last update in August. We had a bit of a...I don't know what to call it. But in December, the strongest non clinical coworker we had took a month off for bereavement — she lost her mom and then had to sort out all of the mess that that took. And this was after I was trying to get everyone to where they needed to be with all the new changes and like. I was short and snappish and having to pick up slack and my last three members of my team were at random times out sick or snowed in or something. None of us were okay and it just exploded in a way it shouldn't have — mostly because of a difference in how I function vs how others function. The biggest issue was one of them wanting me to say to everyone hey this happened sorry, but not in the way I tried the first time it was brought to my attention. So we had a big non clinical team meeting and i didn't have to apologize, just say ok it happened. I remain super confused.

But it did its work and so that was sorted out in a heart beat. And now my team knows be direct with me if you want to get anywhere because I don't understand anything else; I'm working on it, but direct communication is easiest. I got myself worked up in a tither over it because the rest of the office management team made it HUGE deal and when it was all said and done I know at least next time how to tell the rest of the management team how to help me deal with it because they came at it from an angle that made me super anxious thinking this was going to go into mediation and training and writing up and it just ended up being different communication styles. *eye roll*

Anyway. I've gotten better about recognizing when I'm nearing a point of "the next person to breath above the buzz of a fly is gonna get it" and taking myself out of the office. A lot of it comes down to my over stimulation and migraines, but there is a factor of me being super puzzled with different learning and communication styles. And also like. I'm good at "ok this happened but let's put it aside and move on" and apparently the rest of my team isn't. Like. Sometimes happens and it can build into this huge monster of thing and I...I get it I used to be that way that's why I got myself a job that suits me and pays better and went to therapy and got medicated.

Good news though is that we had a change in management in my office! Our practice manager has moved on to a walk in clinic in our network and the clinical supervisor took her job. Wonderfully he is great at translating my non verbal-ness and direct communication and translating whatever is happening with my team into a way we can all ease our way with each other. He's also very happy to take over when I'm over my head with them which wasn't the case with my previous manager. It's giving me a better boost to because I don't feel like I'm on my own now floundering though this learning curve.

He's also been supportive with me in addressing what needs addressing non clinically which yay. Very helpful. We had to recently review our non clinical work assignments to better manage a smaller team and a new provider — we now have 9 providers in our tiny office, but one of my team has decided a full time job is not for her. She's working three days a week as a float in the network, but until my office can hire another full time person to take her job, she is working for us three days a week.

The new assignment of tasks will address so much: we will now have someone dedicated to shuffling appointments and managing out going calls — right now this person is the only one handling that well. Everyone else I dip into their inbox and it's...its not good. The reassignment of tasks for everyone else may seem like a chance to grow and acknowledgement,but it's in reality a change to address some...concerns we have with our two remaining people. One is having some outside stuff impacting her work as well as her attendance and the other is having plain attendance issues period. And it sucks to be in the position of "hey we know you have x y and z, but it is impacting your work and it means a greater work load for your coworkers." We just want to get them to a place of having support to manage whatever so we don't have to fire them. They're good workers...just flagging a little in noticable ways.</lj-cut>

Ok that's work stuff.

<lj-ct text=Health>Health: now that I am in a place where my baseline health needs are being addressed, I'm moving on to more specific stuff. I have had an uptick in migraines since last summer and my doctor and I finally decided nope time for a referral to neurologist. I'm hoping for better meds only because I've done what I can holistically for the migraines short of inheriting a new house — the roof is still not fixed in the apartment so I'm sure I'm having issues with mold which is probably contributing to my migraines. I think there was also an allergy migraine effect from the type of testosterone I was prescribed; I had noticed end of last year that when I did my injections the site was very sore and the med just sat under my skin. I talked to my hrt provider and we switched me to a new one (that is apparently used for some cancer treatment so it is terribly expensive). Since then I've noticed that the site stopped itching and also the extra acne I noticed was probably a rash because that's going away -_-

And yes I'm having fewer migraines.

In light of that, I've asked my doctor for a referral to an allergist for allergy testing. I've got insurance, might as well make it work for me. Find out what all I'm allergic to and see if I need to adjust anything. I've also got a referral to a GYN for sterilization — which they apparently now completely remove the tube instead of burning or cutting and reduces the instance of ovarian cancer O.o I saw someone local about this, but given my abdominal surgical history, I've been referred to a big hospital to reduce complications or needing to have it done twice. Next week will be following up on all these referrals as where I am referred to is the hospital where I had my top surgery — the one that's an hour and a half away. I'm hoping they can swing it so I can have these on the same day but who knows. Either way need to get it sorted so I can see if my sister can bring me to any of them.

The other thing funky right now is that my knees are now bending inward as well as backward. Stupid hypermobility. I went to a few physical therapy sessions, but it's the same kind of exercises I was doing before to support my hips and back because it's all connected. We did try kinestic tape which is fabulous and the best treatment right now. I don't know why it work or how, but it's such a blessing.</lj-cut>

<lj-cut text=Housing>Living with sister continues. She still is unable to get a job with my network so she's in between things right now. She was working at a dunkin as the job at burger king didn't work out, but then dunkin reduced her hours (which how she's a full time employee??) and so she went to a different burger king and she's getting full time hours as well as better insurance.

Due to the brief interlude of having reduced hours she got behind on bills so that's been...It's not like I can't afford to pay the bills on my own, it just leaves me with no money for groceries. I don't have a student loan any more — paid that off finally. Still have my car loan so yay for my credit score, but it's $300 a month and my insurance went up $40 for it so. But sister does as I said have better hours and is also paid more per hour so she's slowly getting caught up.

In good time too — my car needs to go through inspection so I can renew my reg this year. We found out something is funky with a battery terminal so I need to replace the terminal and the battery plus the car is due for an oil change and I need to figure out what's up with the tires because that light is on. All this before the end of the month and if I can get the car through inspection, I can renew the car early in April and forget about it for a bit.

After which I can then focus on finding us a place. We're find a seriously bad market up here — it was bad before the flood, but now it's horrific imo. There are places available and within our price range, but that's in an area that was flooded -_- If you want somewhere that wasn't flooded, the prices have jumped way too much; like it's getting notice by the state reps. We're looking at getting a house instead; my credit score is solid and so is my report and as of mid-February, I got a pay raise so I now make $23 an hour. I would need to look at what I personally could afford as my job is the stable one so if something happens with my sister's job, then we'll be okay as far as bills go. The biggest barrier for me right now is finding anyone who will lend to first time home owners in the area. (Honestly I am very slightly considering drafting a business plan to become a land lord and keep one of those apartments in a building for myself.)</lj-cut>

All that aside, things are good. It was a big hit loosing Casper, but Daelgan stepped up beautifully and has been such a blessing for us. He knows when I need to be corralled to bed and he makes sure I rest when I need to. He's getting along well with Claudia, my sister's cat. We've caught them napping a few times together and they like to play with one another. There are some minor issues: sometimes Claudia likes to play and Daeglan does not; luckily, he's learning to stand up for himself. The other issue is that Daeglan is finally settled enough that he's possessive over me; he does not like when Claudia is handing out with me when he wants to be or if she's in what he thinks of as my space i.e. my bedroom. Silly kids.

We took them on a road trip last month — our grandma had an episode of choking and was sent to the ED where they found out she also had pneumonia. Though, once she came through that mess, she was Not Happy. She's a DNR, no CPR or anything else, but the nurse had performed CPR on her. And the fall out of everything is that she's unable to eat anymore. As she's signed off on no extreme measures in her lucid moments, right now she's on oxygen. No food, no saline. We're just waiting now.

But my sister wanted one last visit so we decided alright, road trip it is then. Claudia has done them before with my sister and we figured Daeglan had been super quiet on the trip when I brought him home so hey let's try it. And they handled it really, really well. We over nighted in truck stops with no issue; we had a small litter box for them to use and they did no problem. Food happened when we stopped for our own sake and nope, no problem. Daeglan was the worst and even that was okay — he found a space under the driver's seat where he wasn't in the way and he chilled there. He eventually got bold enough to sometimes sit in our laps or with Claudia. No endless crying, no hunger strikes, no blood. So that's good to know for future trips — we can plan to take them camping and on other road trips.

We didn't make it past Virginia however — we got a gas station where another driver saw us and got out his phone and immediately started typing while glaring at us. He even watched our car leave! And pointed his phone at us. So we noped out and headed back north. We sent off a message to a few trusted people explaining it and saying hey just in case. And when we got home a trucker friend of my sister's said that the area has also been having trouble with women being kidnapped. So we don't know if it was a homophobia/transphobia thing or some kidnapping scheme, but like. We apparently aren't leaving the New England area for a while.

We managed to salvage the trip however! We stopped at a big shopping mall for LEGOS. And also hit up a target for fun socks and we managed to eat at all the places we miss out on where we live — Cracker Barrel, Wendy's, etc. (If we want any of these, we have a Drive especially for Cracker Barrel.) And the drive back up through New York was nice as there was hardly any traffic. Nice scenic drive.

Okay. All caught up.

I don't honestly know when next I'll be checking in. I'm around — I promise! It's just that my computer right now is making things difficult. Tumblr is easy because it's clicking really and I can get onto my mastodon as it's on my phone. But getting to dreamwidth and livejournal right now is difficult. Part of it is a mental shift for me — I've always used a deskt top or laptop for the websites and also for AO3 — all the updates I get for AO3 are to my fandom email which is on my laptop. And right now? My computer is...well it's running, but that's all I can say. The keys are fucked for it so I have a wireless keyboard,but I need new glasses as I can't easily read my screen. Also, the screen has a black line around 1/4 of the way down and the case has a massive crack.

I was thinking of saving up to get a computer set up that I put together in part or total, but given how I've been visiting fandom sites lately, I might just instead get a tablet and if I find using that ups my fandom activity then I can access it all still, but save up for the computer I want. Things to think about.

Much sadness

alafaye — Sat, 11 Nov 2023 21:47:27 GMT

My beloved 16 year old cat, Casper, was put to sleep last Sunday night. He ate something he shouldn't have and it was kinder to not treat what happened as a result of whatever it was.

He fought right to the end and he was loved up to the end as well. We got his ashes back yesterday and he now hangs out with the other pets of old.

Comments are turned off. We in my house appreciate all the support and thoughts, but would prefer to just be. Thanks.

Quick update

alafaye — Sun, 29 Oct 2023 01:54:57 GMT

Looks like my last update was in August and no I don't know what exactly happened other than and it's messiness. At the same time there is scheduling changes we are moving patients to other providers because some reduced their hours so can't see as many patients as they have been. And of course the ongoing trauma from the flood and now vaccine shortages -- people in my area have been having trouble finding the RSV and Covid booster vaccines which is making everyone cranky (distribution of vaccines and most medications is not determined by your doctor's office, its beyond us, we can order it but who knows if we can get it or when). No one is having a good time and I have finally had to tell my manager that hey our employees are about to loose it and we might end up with not just a skeleton staff but a ghost town. Being that we are a doctor's office we can't run on a skeleton staff nor can we say okay you people take these two weeks off and then you and then... Even taking a few days can be bad because of the volume of patients we have. You get back and your inbox is a mess. And your coworkers can't take on your work load while working on theirs because medical care runs on lean staffing and the expectation that all things can be done quick and easy forgetting that people are people and when it comes to their medical care they typically need more than "hey okay we're doing x,y, and z, I'll see you in a year." But that's how we are supposed to be doing medical care so lean staffing and fitting in patients like it's all gonna take 5 minutes that turns into 15 to 45. Our overtime is ridiculous right now and all the while we're fielding calls and patient messages with medical questions and prior auths and referrals that we don't get payment for and take up staff time that isn't related to your patient's scheduled for an actual appointment that day. I'm not clinical so I shouldn't get overtime, but I've gotten cleared for it because otherwise I can't do my job which has become weight bearing for the office work load, both clinical and not.

Anyway! All that aside..been reading good books, not done a lot of crafting, been trying to developed a good spiritual hobby whether it's actual spiritual stuff or just ya know floor time to make breathing room in my brain. Sister took me touristing for my birthday which was full of anxiety, but we had some good moments. Saw the Ben and Jerry's flavor graveyard, got a new book, enjoyed a lovely rainy fall day (I love them, okay?) and I adopted a new cat!

It wasn't the kitten I was supposed to get -- we've tried, but the person who was to give us a kitten hasn't returned any of our calls or messages so we went looking at shelters. I'm just getting really anxious about my 16 year old cat's (Casper) health not that you'd know it to be around him. But his appetite is still high so his thyroid is still off and when I mentioned some bathroom concerns, the vet said it's probably his kidneys. I am still not treating him for it nor am I doing anything like labs. He's still eating well, drinking well, getting to the bathroom fine and still running around like a loon. Sometimes he is slower, but that's more joint pain than anything else. And yes, he does have Old People Bowel problems, but 99% of the time it isn't a problem. Frankly, we knew about his thyroid and kidney last year and given he's lived this long without meds he might just surprise us all and live another four years.

But in the instance that he doesn't have that long, I want him to show a new cat what's what around here, especially as regards to me because he does a lot to care for me. It's why I was hoping for a kitten -- fresh and empty, ready to be trained. Alas, it seems it was not to be. Looking at the shelters and I was much disenheartened to see the adopted fees or requirements (like a home inspection), but then we found one of the humane societies who did a pay-as-you-can with a beautiful 3 year old all black male cat. I trundled myself out there (up and over a mountain with hair pin turns and RAIN) and he was all !! human I would like you to hold me. I was skeptical because the site said he was a large cat and in the past I've had people say that, but they mean like 8 pounds and I have a cat who's healthy weight is 13 pounds. But yes, this guy is big. 11 pounds and that's healthy for him, not over weight.

I've decided to call him Daeglan.

He is very people focused and has stuck by me pretty exclusively. I was much sads to hear him chirping through the closed bathroom door that first night so I took a risk and let him and Capser hang out in the same room way earlier than is probably okay, but it worked out. Casper was definitely wary and kind of growly-hissy, but they worked it out. Daeglan taught Capser how to play tag so they run around the apartment chasing each other. Claudia, my sister's cat, has not felt comfortable and her personal bubble is no longer just under the futon but the whole living room, lol. Luckily, Daeglan is much better at respecting that kind of space than Casper. There are still some kinks to work out and it takes the kind of juggling a zoo might need to feed everyone (three meals a day because of Casper and his thyroid, everyone gets much smaller meals than him obviously), but it is wonderfully working out.

Pictures under the cut!!

August already?

alafaye — Sat, 05 Aug 2023 19:17:59 GMT

And I think I last updated in June... Whoops?

My mood has been good with the increased med, but the heat is terrible for focusing. Also of course the flooding my state was hit with. The only good thing that happened with the flooding is that it took the heat with it.

Work has been...interesting. The shift the company is wanting to move toward was initially tapped as showing light changes to non clinical team members who handle items like scheduling and registration. In the last month and a half however, I've been doing a lot of back end work to make the upcoming changes actually work in reality. And a few weeks ago my manager and I had a meeting that neither of us knew what it was about - we get to it and oh it's to talk about the training that the network had offered the schedulers, did we have any questions. My manager and I blinked -- we had received no training modules on this. We got to look at the information that was supposed to have been part of the training and it was actually all of the things I had identified and was working on with my team already. Grr.

On the plus side of that, I was able to assure everyone else that hey don't panic that you haven't seen any updates or training beyond what you're been told about -- we're already on top of this and we're more prepared than you feel we are. Some of the changes are gonna be difficult to work with since we have to be less permissive of patients than we have in the past (less oh sure move that appointment later by 15 minutes, ensuring that we are offering the correct care in the appointments that are scheduled (which means actually if someone is there for a preventative to only offer care focused on that instead of care focused on chronic health concerns) which is gonna be difficult since our providers have just in the past done whatever in appointments), but this way we'll be able to improve access for appointments in general. I mean nothing we do is gonna actually prevent anyone from complaining I know.

A huge overall feeling, though, is that it's mostly about money -- getting more patients in means more money after all. I know patients who have said as much and with good reason. If healthcare wasn't for profit then I think the advantages would be more easily seen, but no one can deny that this will be a huge revenue increase. Ugh.

I recently had my yearly review and it went well. Got the feedback I was expecting - focused on my communication. Learning to give feed back better and also that I am curt/abrupt but not in a bad way. I'm lucky enough to have a team that is neuro spicy, adjacent, or familiar with so they understand how I communicate, but all of them can see that I am improving. It feels still like learning a new language and it's super weird, but if it helps okay. My manager is waiting to get approval from hers to give me the succeed mark. Nearly all of the time people get either 'meets' or 'doesn't meet'; I'm just out pacing I guess. It helps that I am in a work environment where I feel safe and which is also encouraging and healthy. It also clears me for the yearly 2% increase in pay which is better than nothing.

Sister did not get a job with my company, but has gotten one at a Burger King. She is an assistance store manager and likely on track to become assistant area manager which would be more of the office work that she wanted so it works out. She is making more than me which is something strange all things considered, but at least it's income for the shared house. It's already been a benefit overall so win-win. For some reason, some of her training has to happen in another state which is confusing for everyone, but they're paying for her hotel room while she's out there working and she gets a food stipend. It hasn't changed anything much for me -- it's just another cat I'm looking out for and the cat is easy to care for, nothing special to her. (The cats aren't getting along, but they can at least be in the same room together so that's something.)

When my sister is freed of the out of state training, she'll be working 10 to 12 hour days five days a week so really nothing different for me to deal with. And she'll likely be working both weekend days. It works out for her that I like to clean the house and do laundry and her cat likes me -- she puts her laundry in my car so I can bring it with me when I do mine and cleaning house isn't a big deal for me. In trade, she usually buys me some groceries or take out. We've kept up communicating about what we both need and how to best say where the other could help shore the other up, but so far knock on wood we're making it work. I think it'll be hard with us still in a 1 bedroom since we haven't found anything, but we both work full time so for now it'll be fine.

We are still looking for a two or even three bedroom since we can afford it together, but so far nothing and now with the flooding, we're even less sure of finding a place. I've asked my landlord for a 6 month lease instead of a 12 and they're agreed to it. If need be, we will do month to month after 6 months. Glad to have these land lords.

We made it through the recent flooding okay. I was at work when the river started rising badly and since it was right next to our parking lot, it was...interesting. About 2 is when I saw that most of the roads out of town were only a few hours away from being submerged so I left then with permission from my manager. Several others did as well since they also lived out of town. Appointments the next morning were cancelled altogether and the afternoon to be determined. I managed to get home the usual way, but someone that lives near me had to go up and around because within two hours, the road was flooded. I don't know how long it took Montpelier to flood, but I don't think it took that long either.

By bedtime that night, we had made the decision to cancel the next day entirely; the providers have remote access to our network, but I don't. Luckily where I live there is a clinic within our network and I could get there so I worked out of their office to do call outs to patients and switch the next morning's to zoom and provide support to the providers. We couldn't get out of town to Montpelier, though, because roads were closed because of the damage. But, the next day, we got clearance to go back to our office since it had a bank protecting it from the river and so the building didn't get flooded, yay. But for two weeks straight, there was a lot of rerouting of traffic. There is a section of the town I live in that isn't really passable even though it's open to traffic -- they reopened it but didn't repair the road that got torn up with the flooding so it will tear up the suspension on vehicles. Why they didn't just keep the road closed until they could repair it entirely is beyond anyone's comprehension.

We did see an uptick in the first 10 days or so of post flooding of people with GI complaints because yes people were going out into the flood waters like it was clean water. We also had boil water notices for a good week straight which was a huge learning curve when it came to dishes and cleaning, but likely added to everyone's GI distress.

My company gave everyone who worked that first day post flood a $150 bonus which helped me get through to the next pay check and they also provided us with bottled water during the boil water notice and also gave us free lunch one day. (Honestly in my opinion it wasn't enough; we should have been closed for a week for anything except acute and given everyone a week's pay for it because of the clean up.) I took a half day later that week to get some errands and such done because we were expecting another day of heavy rain and I worried (everyone worried) that we would not only get flooded again, but worse since everything was still precarious and not cleaned up. Everything is indeed mostly cleared up, but there are still road closures and spots where we can see the landslides.

Luckily, the first pay check after the flood included a $3200 bonus from some state or federal fund for having worked through the official pandemic status; my work place had jumped onto that for their workers which was needed for a lot of people I think. For me, even though I didn't have any flood damage except mental, it helped me to get back even with the bills and I had enough still to put aside for savings. I splurged a bit on a few not needed items, but I think that was fair enough all things considered.

This week has been pretty mild with the pollen and also the air quality (if it wasn't forest fire smoke we were dealing with, it was all the ick thrown up by the flooding and the clean up) so today I went to the trails for the first time in a month. Other than being very, very wet (because it is still raining and raining and raining), it looks the same. I was worried since the trails are where the quarries used to be and so there are ton of loose cut stone about half the size of a station wagon, but it looks good. And the weather was cool enough that I enjoyed myself.

So how's everyone?

Well

alafaye — Sat, 03 Jun 2023 20:33:19 GMT

I didn't mean to drop out off the edge of the world...

I have been around on tumblr and twitter (as well as mastodon now), but those are rather easy to use if you have zero executive focus. All of that was focused on work and so anything outside of work just fell apart. My apartment remains clean, but more through sheer force of being stubborn and not wanting to live in a mess; I wasn't really focused on it. Today I just haven't and I cannot be bothered because of everything right now.

For the most part, April was quiet. Luckily. I think it was late March or early April when I messaged my pcp saying hey I think we need to increase one of my meds. I was sleeping too much and taking too many naps and feeling wicked lethargic otherwise; I also noticed an uptick in my general nerve pain and migraines. We increased the med that covers all of that, but it turned out that that medication can actually fuck with blood sugar levels. Now I am not diabetic despite having similar symptoms of (I've always kept an eye on that bit of my labs given my family's history of it), but the medication was enough to fuck around with the levels enough that they struggled to remain up so I would go a few days of needing to eat every hour or so or end up with a food migraine. It took until about the beginning of May to level out finally, but it was an interesting trip.

May of course was my surgery. Preop went excellent because despite my weight and my family background, I don't have anything that would prevent me from having surgery nor anything that would indicate having an issue either during surgery or in recovery. I had taken the Friday before the surgery off to rest as much -- I didn't want to stress myself into a pain flare up in any way trying to get everything done in a little time as possible. So once the pre op was done, I spent the next few days just cleaning and getting groceries and getting some items that I knew I wouldn't be able to get once I was 1 week post surgery when my sister went home. And the day before the surgery other than getting a few items that we hadn't gotten, we spent just wandering getting through a few things I wanted to get my sister for her birthday -- a trip to a library basement book sale and then a candy shop for chocolate covered gummy bears. We also went for a hike because she doesn't get much time off for hiking and I knew she wanted to see where I usually go. (Hilariously she found a spot and said "what's there? Can we go there?" aka can we go climb those rocks -- which is the same instinct I had when I saw that section of things. Apparently my family has a strain of mountain goat in us.)

The surgery went alright all things considered. My back wasn't happy, but then I hadn't been able to wear a bra that day and then was on the op table for an hour or so; neither sister or I had been surprised. I slept most of the way home, but apparently I did wake up enough to say "oh fuck" when my sister took the wrong exit off the highway (I would say the exit to the road home is a few miles down an incline that 18 wheelers are recommended to not take.) It will take one back to mine fine, but it's not ideal in my opinion nor in my sister's now that she went down it.

The worst part of the recovery was the drains -- I would say about 12 inches of plastic tubing most of which was in my chest to drain off any liquid build up into bulbs. Both sides of my chest. It meant I had to sleep upright and couldn't really bend over. I also couldn't (and still shouldn't) lift more than 5 pounds. Once they were taken out one week after the surgery, I was good. The scars are healing well except for the grafts of my nipples. They were doing okay and then oop nope. Surgeon and his team are baffled and I'm like listen if you knew my entire medical history this would not surprise you; I am a medical weirdness. There is hope for the left one; they got me in this past Thursday to look at it and has switched me to wound care using silvidene. Left seems to be getting better, but the right eh not so much. We'll see; I think it was the sudden storm moving through that threw it off last night. I've noticed since the surgery that the surgical site does not like low pressure systems. They were healing up with the new treatment fine until the storms; I developed pain in both of them overnight, but they feel better now so I think tonight's dressing change will show a good change.

I'm back full time at work next Monday, but have to take Wednesday to do a follow up with the surgeon's office. I am hoping to get that cleared with the FMLA people, but we'll see. I haven't yet gotten any payment from them which is infuriating, but here we are. I had paid extra on both the internet and electric back in April so those were covered; I had paid all but $300 of the rent so I called them Wednesday to explain and they said ok. *shrug* Luckily June has three pay checks so I have two more this month to sort it all out and hopefully within this month I will have the payment from the FMLA so that will help to even out everything.

I do have an extra bill starting this month. The last week of April -- my Toyota finally quit. I was toodling along home from work and my car stopping running like the battery died. I was able to luckily pull over and I managed to find a coworker to come out and charge up the battery. She offered to follow me home to make sure it didn't happen again (because ya know this car) and well the oil leak finally caught up because the piston's seized. ARGH. Roadside assistance on my insurance came through though so that was good except that they wanted more than I could pay at the time so I hitched a ride home with coworker and left it the side of the road. The next day I managed to work out something and either the tow company has it or the police do -- I am not sure which. Either way coworker who is near retirement age and knows lots of things and checked with her partner who knows lots of car related things says that if I don't claim it after so much time it'll be considered abandoned. If the tow company has it, they'll sell off what parts they can; if the police have it it'll stay in impound until there is an auction. Either way I don't care; before we left it on the side of the road I grabbed all the important and valuable items out of it so there's nothing left in it that I want and if someone else wants to have it to sell off then I don't have a car hanging around to try to sell -- I don't think I could even get a good trade in for it given all of its issues and now likely the engine is seized.

It took the better part of the following week to sort out a replacement. Luckily my bank was having a sale on car loans last month and were willing to work with me since it did look like I was improving my credit score. Now I wasn't ready yet to have a loan (I wanted more time to get my score improved and I wanted to wait until after my surgery since I didn't know when the FMLA pay would come through or how much) but we made it work. I had to look further afield than my local area - I knew I wanted an SUV because of the winter up here and my credit score meant that what I was approved for was well below anything here (which is likely due to the fact that it is the capital area). I did manage to find a dealer that was reputable and was willing to drive it out to me as well as handle registration. All of the fees together meant it was a little over the approved loan, but the bank said ok that's fine. I am really glad my bank is nice like this, but then I suspected they would be when I was doing my research for a new bank last year. It's a small-medium sized credit union with emphasis on union -- all decisions have to be run by the people who have accounts with them. And they bumped my loan application up when they heard I was in dire straights car wise. Woo.

Anyway I now have a 2016 Honda CR-V. Which isn't the Toyota I wanted, but Honda's aren't bad deals and it is roomy and drives nicely. It does need time to start up (my Toyota didn't care; start and go), and it does need time to transition between gears, but it handled the hour drive and back for the surgery and handled going out back to the dealer (45 minutes one way) when I thought something was off with it so it's good. It's good. I got in this week the permanent plates for it and I have to say it's nice to have a car registered in this sate. It makes living here feel more stable. I didn't get my last car registered because I knew it wouldn't pass inspection so I kept it registered in old state until I could work out getting a new car. And I couldn't keep the Toyota because no one was really willing to work on a car that old that I could find and even though I knew what was wrong with it, I couldn't fix it myself lacking the space or the mental brain space to say nothing of whether I could physically manage it. Now the other thing that worked out for me with the whole mess is that wonderfully the bank has a month's grace period until I make the first payment.

Work wise everything has been good; we finally hired someone because we kept loosing people over the pay offered and I hope someone at HR is keeping track. But we found someone just before I went on leave and she started this past week. She was shadowing by Friday so I started showing her most of our day to day and how we use the EMR for everything. She's picking it up pretty easily and she has the exact mind set the rest of my team has -- she's been fitting in well already. And I am so proud of the youngest two we have; much improvement and everyone fits together well. It's wonderful. I am also a bit proud for myself since I manage the team so I know it reflects well on me what they're doing and how they're doing. And it's a nice feeling, too.

Since March we have seen the loss of more primary care providers in the area which brings the total up to 12 to 14 (we've...lost count since it seems like every other week there's another one gone). We are still adding patients to our wait list, but are currently trying to figure out a better way to go ahead with managing the wait list and scheduling. There is a mixed bag of patients since yay new people moving to the area (which is a good thing since previously people were aging faster than people could be brought in to replace them on the work force) especially what I call internal refugees - people from other states where legislation is making their lives precarious. There really isn't another word for them I don't think. But there is also a good number of older people moving to the state because they want to be closer to their kids and grandkids in their retirement. And also the pcps who have retired had the bulk of the older population. So when do onboard a new patient, half of them need follow up care in the next 6 months or less and that cuts into time available for more new patients. And one of the two providers we have has a established patients from last year who are now having their second physical with us. And yeah there is a huge influx of formally healthy people experiencing new chronic illness -- some mild like new onset hyper tension and others more severe like new heart conditions -- in this post pandemic world which is straining the system especially because the worse the condition is, the more people are scared and need reassurance from their provider. It's...a bit of a strain. I wouldn't go back to retail or food service over this, but it's a strain. (I was joking with one of my coworkers that the least nicest benefit the company could add to our job is free xanex for all their employees.) I think one of the strangest comments or conversations with people right now is their confusion about the wait time for a provider because it isn't a secret that health care is under staffed; we are very confused how people can read articles of under staffing and not connect it to being unable to see a provider in less than 6 months as a new patient. Or how hard it is to get someone in for acute issues. Like. These two things are connected and no there isn't a solution because there is a shortage of staff. From admins who answer the phone to providers themselves. And because of the state of the economy and because of post covid complications, a lot of people are needing a higher level of care which means less time than pre-2020 for more patients.

Anyway.

In addition to sorting out *waves hand* I am looking for an apartment for two in my area. My sister has had enough with her current company dicking around when it comes to her pay and responsibilities. They keep pushing back her review which is necessary for them to authorize a raise for her, but it means that she is currently getting paid only 20 cents more than people who just start at the lowest level, but she is both a training manager and one who fills in to help out the managers of several stores. She is also having trouble with them not giving her accommodations and also getting blamed for things that aren't her fault. Now it isn't that my company will offer her less shit to deal with it, but it'll be at minimum $2 and change more than she gets paid now and offers better health insurance. She will also be able to share rent with someone finally. She bought her car back in February because she was in a rock and a hard place work wise and finally just got one; but then that payment meant she couldn't afford rent because the payment was high due to her credit score (which had plummeted because she wasn't getting paid enough so she had to make hard choices for things). There was only one person she vaguely knew at work who had space for her to move in, but since she's moved in with him, it's just been red flags left and right. Awfully, the people she knows are all "oh no that's normal" and it's like no. Not when he keeps track of what she spends, what she does, complains that she doesn't want to hang out with him (post work she is terribly overwhelmed and needs at minimum an hour to decompress at which point she just wants food and to go to sleep before work the next day), and complains that she eats separately (which she needs to because she has a ton of food allergies that he doesn't seem to respect). And then for some reason he refused her rent payment this month and then asked her to do some outside work -- in 90F+ temps. She didn't sign a rental agreement that said rent money could be exchanged for work so that's not okay but neither is it okay to ask someone to do outside work in that heat temp. But this rental situation was her last resort so it's either stick it out there or move out to my way.

We know she can get a job fairly quickly even if it's not immediately with my company; there are a ton of places hiring. If need be, she can work one of those until she gets a job with my company or something similar as there are several other medical places here that are hiring asap. And since I am starting to look now for a new place, we should have fairly good luck finding something when my lease is up for renewal. If nothing else, we'll see about splitting my current apartment which would be tight, but manageable. We learned during my surgery that the cats will eventually get along and the apartment is set up in a way that we can continue to manage to introduce them slowly. Definitely workable.

I would like to be able to move apartments though. I hadn't put too much thought into it since housing here is like everywhere -- what housing? -- but it'll be nice. It turns out that the second available apartment had not been rented back in March. It only looked like that so no one would think to steal in and squat in it. But it was filled in April and they are... It could just be that they are in their 20s but its weird. The place is rented by a guy who looks around 22 or so and he has a girlfriend that I haven't figured out if she is over 18 yet. They have a dog that isn't quite trained well -- barks at the slightest thing and for hours. And there was recently a car incident that has involved the police and the car has a winch holding the hood down and prior to the police showing up to ask about it, the girl came running up the stairs sounding not just panicked but like. It sounded almost like they knew that the police involved would be a Problem. Could be just kids learning the ins and outs of being an adult but I'm listening here in my apartment like it's a sitcom.

It does however make me feel uneasy so yeah I would like out. With my sister's situation it seems like a good time to make it all work. And it would be nice to have someone I know sharing the rent since now I have my car payment and the current inflation that doesn't seem to be going away. And then I can also start working toward a decent savings account and options for that.

So yeah that's the state of things right now. Much tired. Much overwhelmed. Much depressed. But I got a good support network and all that jazz. Just got to wait all this out. It'll sort out.

What's this? It's March?

alafaye — Sun, 12 Mar 2023 20:23:49 GMT

I was here, lurking about, but not really here I know. (And I do know I dropped the ball with a community, but life went sideways.)

Around the beginning of February, sister was told by family in the south that our maternal grandma had had four strokes since November and was also suffering complications of overdose because between the in and out in one week, her care team wasn't paying enough attention to her chart. She was also mentally declining rapidly and she was installed in a nursing home to just wait. In one her most lucid moments, she talked with her kids (my mom and uncle) and the lawyer and said that if anything else like a stroke or heart attack happens, she is not to be taken to the hospital, absolutely dnr.

Since outside of my siblings, this grandma is the one family member I actually like and would be in contact with if it wasn't for my mom (which grandma gets 1000%), and the same goes for my siblings, we were waiting for the call that her time had arrived. But we decided seeing her in person would be better than going to her funeral; we made the decision to drive down and say good bye in person.

And the road trip sucked. We made the gracious decision to invite sibling along because as much as sister and I don't really get along with them any more, grandma is dying and sibling doesn't have a way of getting down there on their own. Which while it was morally the right choice, wasn't in reality the healthy choice for sister or myself. Sibling was near silent in the back seat, not participating in singing along to songs or participating in the chatter or even making new memes amongst ourselves. And being that they were in the back seat, they were then responsible for handing sister and I things like aleve or a snack and we were met with sarcasm or grump. When they were awake that is; more than half the time they were just sleeping. At one point if we hadn't been in traffic, my sister would have decked them because the stupid gps updated as we were driving and took us down in to the burroughs of NY which we didn't want to do; sister was freaking out (traffic and of course the way everyone drives in there) and I was trying to keep her calm while being a second pair of eyes even as I was keeping an eye on the directions rather than waiting for the stupid thing to direct us without enough time to merge if we needed to...and all sibling was doing in the backseat was giggling. They bought a clue when sister yelled at them and joined me in watching the surrounding traffic, but it was Not Good.

We also had car troubles. Sister had just gotten this car, it's used but fresh from the dealership so it should be good, yeah? No. It wasn't regulating it's temp, one of the tires kept up a slow leak, and we found out that the battery was dead.

We had planned on getting down to grandma within 18 hours at a push, but it actually took us 30 hours. We kept having to wait for the car to cool or for sister and I to nap (because sibling can't drive). I had planned on taking one of my gabapentins once we got to the state where grandma is -- the drive down should've have gotten us there to get at least 6 hours of sleep so I figured drive down, take med and sleep and I would be good to go to start the drive back up plus I could also take my night meds. Since it all went sideways then, I couldn't take my good pain pill (the gaba) and I couldn't take my night pills since I couldn't be sure they wouldn't put me to sleep. I needed to be wake for helping sister. Note that two of my night pills are SSRIs. One of my pills is to help my fibromyalgia which flares up with driving.

And so we arrived at grandma's with a shitty car, nearly at double the time we had planned, sister and I sleep deprived and hungry; one of us off their meds and the other taking more than usual plus smoking more than usual.

But! We made it and without needing to see either our mom or uncle which yay miracles do happen. Grandma was lucid and focused (though she thought there was a fourth person visiting her so that's a whole thing even when she is with it). She didn't care that I was wearing a binder or that my hair was purple. She was just happy to see us. She gripped my hand as tight as she could. It was good. So much love for her. And she hasn't told our mom that we were down there, ha. I love her so much.

We didn't get much time with her, but it was good. As I told my sister, we made it in time, she was lucid, and none of our other family was there. We got what we wanted and needed.

Before we left that state, sister told sibling that if they wanted a ride home, they needed to stop being sarcastic or a grump and to actually be more helpful when we needed things from the back. Faced with the options, sibling choose to behave. We were going along alright, even ditched the GPS once we locked in a path and wrote down the directions, and then we got stranded on the highway in PA. (Yes we took a round about route, but it was better than driving through the NY cities by Manhattan.) We had just pulled over to switch drivers because I was falling asleep so I was out at that time while sister was freaking out ...and sibling was dead silent in the back. The car was out of coolant because the seal had broken on it and all the coolant had boiled off. Sibling just sat there. Once I was awake, I calmed sister down and we were able to talk out solutions so we could figure out what to do best.

We got towed to a place with coolant yay and while we were waiting to figure out what to do next (yay for auto places who have staff who will provide advice!), we decided that rather than drive all the way into CT to drop off sibling, we would drop them at the CT border and then make out way back to VT, my place. We didn't want to go out of our way to drop sibling off with the car the way it was and at least once in CT sibling was closer to people who could help them out the rest of the way. Sibling was not happy and was all "oh my phone just shit the brick I don't have a way of contacting anyone or anyone's numbers!" Sigh. I pulled up the three shared contacts we have in common and sister offered up their phone. One answered and offered up some money for an uber. Yay. Sibling did some research when we stopped at a truck stop for food and rest and said oh great there's a train station in the town you are looking to drop me and I could take a train from there to here and then a bus from that place to home.

Great! Sister and I plan out our route -- from where we were dropping off sibling to a truck stop that could offer minimal auto help (yay!) and then to VT where even at the border I was sure of being able to find help through coworkers.

Once we got the CT town, sister and I were low key ok great to see you bye but like also subtly. We had at least three and a half hours to go with a car threatening to completely give out on us so like. We want to go. Now. And sibling just sat there. And sat there. So I pulled up the train station info "hey they're open already! And you don't have to talk to anyone because there's an electronic ticket seller!" and sister pulled up uber info and lo found a ride for decent price.

Off loaded sibling to the uber and went to get breakfast/clear out the back seat -- we had reminded sibling to grab all of their shit, but we found a few bits of trash plus a cord for a battery pack and score a scone sibling had gotten at a Panera. We reorganized things for easy reach for ourselves and started the trek back to mine. To no one's surprise sister and I were much better off on our own. There was less stress and anxiety and we were finally happy stimming.

We had planned on getting back to mine by Sunday afternoon at the latest (we left really early Friday) and we arrived...Monday night -_- Which I know isn't that bad, but we didn't arrive rested and all that. We got into mine, did a couple of quick showers, ate some real food, took the good medicine and just collapsed. Luckily, our cats were chill -- I had asked a coworker friend to watch them (sister doesn't trust people she knows in ME to take care of her cat properly plus her cat had just lost their nest mate; sister's other cat had to be put down because the cancer had gone too far which yes had also contributed to sister's mental state for the road trip) and he had kept up with the feeding and visiting even though we were late. Woo.

I had luckily asked for Monday and Tuesday off work to recover so that wasn't much, but Wednesday I needed to be in because we were planning a new tech update that day and it was going to impact (positively) appointments. I did a half day on Wednesday and Thursday; Friday I did a full day because the one appointment that would be affected by the update was the end of day, woe. Managed it though and made it through the weekend like a zombie.

Okay so that was the road trip from hell. Now for the other things.

My dad is dead. *throws confetti* I won't apologize for being...I won't say happy or thrilled, but it's just. It happened before we went to see my grandma and when my sister called me at midnight I was like "oh no. Grandma is dead" but no. My paternal aunt had reached out to sister through facebook messenger and said dad had had a heart attack. When my sister told me, I could feel a mental weight just leave me. Gone. I wanted to go back to bed; okay dad is dead, I got life to get on with. I had to focus though because sister wasn't okay -- not sad, just thrown off. But we got through that phone call alright.

I reminded my coworkers the next day that hey if anyone calls looking for *dead name* I am not here and they were cool with it. They get it. (No one from family knows where I work, but one of the family members had called around to the medical offices to find which one I worked at back in the autumn.) And luckily, no one passed around a condolence card for me. I love my coworkers. I had to relay it to my manager just because I didn't know what sister was going to want to do -- ie go to the funeral which I didn't want to do, but I would make the drive with her for support. Luckily, she didn't.

I've continued to feel lighter. Less haunted and afraid. Maybe it'll hit me later in life, but there is no sadness or mourning in me about his death. Any regret that I didn't patch things up is already processed because I'd done the work when I decided to block him and worked through all the ick in therapy. *shrug*

Anyway. Road trip from hell pushed back my surgery. The extra money sister put into the car (she is waiting to be reimbursed) and the extra time off work she had to do meant that she couldn't reasonably take time off to help me for a week. Given that this came up so close to my surgery, I didn't want to put pressure on anyone to fill in her role plus I didn't want anyone else that week since she knows me so well and I feel comfortable with her in whatever state I could possibly be in. I did get another date relatively soon -- it is now May 9th. I got the pre op too rescheduled easily. (And yes helps that I work in the same office as my pcp. We didn't need to reschedule any one else, but I was able to see when my pcp would have openings and I didn't have to wait for someone to see my message about the appointment.)

Being in May, however, does cut short time at home recovery. It is the beginning of the summer season so there are people requesting time off before I put in my request, including my manager. I told her that so long as I get two weeks off for recovery, I'll do half days for another two weeks to make up the loss of other staff who requested before me. Since my job is at a desk and my day to day doesn't impact daily appointments or such, we can be flexible with my hours. The big thing is just being on hand at some point to either fill in for whichever admin isn't in or when my manager is out. Luckily, the clinical lead is trained in front desk tasks and can help us out as needed as well. He also knows my manager's duties since he has in the past filled in when she was out. And while I am not clinically trained, I know enough through bleed through that I can buffer clinical staff with admin questions. (Yes we are short staffed, but all of this cross training is less about the short staffing and more about making sure the loss of one person doesn't mean that their work load cannot be supported and also about just helping each other out day to day.)

I am also hopeful that by May we should have a new admin trained. We had one person we really liked, but she turned it down due to money. (No surprise to be honest. The company talks about paying their people competitively, but they actually don't. I think it's that rather than look to what the reality of what a living wage is, they just look at similar positions in the industry and match that. Fact: for the work load medical people have, we are not paid nearly enough. Even as non clinical staff. So maybe we get paid well compared to other places, but people don't just look at the industry standard for pay; people look at is this pay enough for me to do what I need to do outside work.) We have been conducting more interviews this past week and have two possibles as well as another maybe if the first two turn us down. They're both as strong as I would need them to be to balance the front desk which is the highest criteria for me. We don't leave people on their own so having people who aren't independent workers isn't bad, but on a team of four, there should be one of each so I can do what I need to do. If we can get someone in by the end of this month then the person should be good for when I take time off to get my tits off. Fingers crossed.

Our general work load is getting near out of hand. Even though we have onboarded a new provider, she is only part time and is in office only two days a week. She was supposed to take on the bulk of the overflow from our current providers, but as of this month, the wider community has a net loss of 7 providers with so far only 3 poised to be replaced. Of those 7, I think 3 or 4 abruptly left so their patients and the clinics had to scramble. Plus, the area has been gaining popularity as a place to move to. Several clinics are temporarily not taking patients even on a wait list because of the abrupt departures. In the area, my office is one of two with the soonest availability, but even we are looking at scheduling a year out for new patients.

Management finally moved forward with promoting me. Yay. Had to do some pay negotiations and it still sucks -- it's a whole $1 and change more *eye roll*, but at least it's something and now I have authority behind my decisions. Which is for the best because we lost our clinical director -- she didn't leave leave, but has stepped down from the position. She is now just a provider. Again, it is a good thing that I have learned enough through the job to handle some clinical concerns -- like when a patient goes to the ED and needs a pcp for follow up care. It's now my manager (the practice manager) and I looking at the charts to see is this immediate or not? She's a nurse so she has clinical background, but I am in the day to day running of things so we both are able to see the situation in a balanced way. Like, I can see from appointments and follow ups what our providers prioritize and how care is done and she can see the whole picture of a patient's medical info.

The funny thing about the announcement of my promotion is that several people said "but I thought you were this person already??" Happy-sad thoughts on that.

As for the pay portion...well. There is background unionizing going on because it has been determined that no one who is a non-provider is making more than $22. (Yeah the medical assistants and lpns who have to go through schooling to get their position and need to continue their education get paid the same as the admins who don't need a degree or continued education.) Most of us make less than $20. I've been gently quietly mentioning union benefits to my coworkers, but on Friday, one of the medical assistants dropped that there is an after hours group of not just people from our office meeting to discuss unionizing. Collectively, people are having to keep it quiet because even though it isn't illegal to discuss, management in response to another group within our network unionizing, has put up their anti union stance. Fun.

Any real announcements and any possible votes will be some time out -- the group providing info on unionizing is providing education to the workers so that when a vote comes, it does succeed. Given the number of employees, it's gonna be a while. Which is fine. I would rather it come on slow and actually has a chance of happening then rushing and failing. For my part, I likely won't be part of anything until vote time. My managers know I am part of IWW as an independent and while it isn't legally allowed to fire me or anything for it, I also do not need trouble coming because they think the union stuff is coming from me. I mean I'll take the heat if it's me or the people getting the education out among coworkers, but until that time I'm gonna keep quiet.

Cat is doing well. Much like my grandma surprising us with just hanging on, my cat is just carrying on. I think he had an abscess in a tooth that cleared recently; for a while he wasn't eating his dry food, only the wet and even the wet seemed to be a challenge for him. But he's bounced back this weekend, yay! He's otherwise behaving normally, not slowing down. Still getting all up in my business and complaining when he isn't sleeping.

Came back from the road trip from hell to find out that the two empty apartments are now occupied. They are of course quiet. I like quiet neighbors. The only downside is that since moving in, two complaints have been filed -- one about people smoking too close to the building (and actually inside, but it is none of my business if someone is violating their lease so I've kept quiet) and one about dog poop. I am waiting for the epic fall out of all this -- the building has six units. Four of us have been here for over a year, peacefully existing together; three of them have dogs. And yes one of them smokes in the building. But we've just been quiet and polite. And now we have new tenants who within the first month have lodged complaints. This is not going to end well. (I mean I freaked out a bit because while I don't have dogs, the first complaint was about the smoking and it came out just as my sister had been visiting; I know that she smoked in her car to be polite, but the timing felt terrible. When I got the email about the dog poop, I emailed my land lord and it confirmed that the emails have been going out to everyone and also that I am in good standing to have my lease renwed in September. Phew.)

Today I am enjoying the warm weather -- turned off my heater and opened the windows. Yay fresh air.

I decided to get adventurous with cooking -- I got a curry powder. I've never had curry and I don't know what I am doing as I don't have a recipe, but I thought it's a good place to start. I just wanted something different. I am honestly the person who could eat nothing but chicken nuggets, fruit, and pasta/rice. After today I probably will be back at it, but just. Something different. So I made up a sauce of oat milk, broth, and the curry powder to make a sort of sauce. Stir fried potatoes, mushrooms, and onions together. Made rice with broth. Browned some ground chicken. Put it all together and it was good. I was cautious with how much curry powder I use since I am not one for spice, but next time I make this I'll add a bit more.

I've been working on a cross stitch project I had abandoned when I messed it up a bit -- I adjusted for the mess up and then did another one, but I am carrying one because the mess ups aren't that bad. Anyone who doesn't know the pattern won't be able to tell it wasn't on purpose. Been listening to the Magnus Archives as I go along -- I was hesitant to start it despite knowing that it was popular among people who also listen to WTNV as it is listed as a horror podcast, but I am glad I'm giving it a go; it's like Twilight Zone which I love.

I've also found a new band I like -- the Longest Johns. I've started listening to the Amazing Devil station (because I love TAD so I figure good place to start for finding new music) and yeah, they're great. I can't say why since the album I've bought from them is a mix of Celtic type songs and crack sea shanties, but it makes me happy.

I've been considering approaching my pcp about switching the diagnosis on my hrt from transgender to hyper mobility at the end of the year. I am really liking the dose I am at right now with t and once I am stable on it, I can switch from getting it from Planned Parenthood to my pcp. I'd like to get the diagnosis on it switched because of the way things seem to be heading; I know that the state I am in there isn't worry, but I worry about the next presidential election and a federal ban going before the current Supreme Court. After the fall of Roe vs Wade I don't trust the current court. There isn't much documented on the effects of t on hypermobility, but I know both my providers are noting that the t is helping with a lot of things for me so I would want to see if my pcp would consider changing the diagnosis so I can keep it if things fall sideways with a federal ban. Because it isn't even the gender affirming part -- which yes is important -- the t has helped my hyper mobility, it's helped my pmd, and it's helped my mood. I actually need it for a lot of things. (Meidcal side note: I am happily discharged from mental therapy!!)

Book wise I am continuing on with rediscovering sci fi and fantasy books. I like having the mental space now for long books with complicated themes. I am still reading cosy mysteries and romance novels -- won't ever stop, ha -- but it's nice to also immerse myself in something longer and more complex. It has also been nicing finding light hearted and/or easy to read in this genre -- I love the Murderbot series so much.

I am slated to have an affirmation ceremony at the synagogue end of April. My rabbi actually brought it up before I could so that means a lot to me -- she thinks I am ready. I don't have to since my great-grandma was Jewish, but it does show that I am committed to this path. I do have the option to have this through zoom or in person and I chose zoom because it feels safer for me (did y'all know that there is a virus going around that isn't flu, covid, or rsv and that it is lasting several weeks? And that it is as awful as all of those?) and also having it by zoom I can invite more people. We're going to open it up to the whole community so we'll see who shows up. I mean if it's just my rabbi and I with a few people, cool cool. We'll see. There were a few weeks my rabbi offered me, but of the two options, this is best. The other one included the dreaded Leviticus verse about homosexuals and I know how to pick it apart, but I didn't want that for my affirmation. I like the week I chose because the portion is about dealing with the dead and I love that given the transformation my life is at. So we're rolling with it.

In July, I am off on another road trip. In the midst of all the anxiety of the last one, I was like hell no I am never leaving home again, but once it was just sister and I even with car troubles, I was like ya know maybe. I didn't want it to be July, but with things happening with my grandma, apparently my mom now has to pay her own rent which means she wants my sister to pay for part of the rent on a storage unit where sister has some items. Now not only does sister not have the extra for that, she also doesn't want to worry about loosing those items (some of them are first edition books which luckily my mom doesn't even realize the value of and wouldn't sell) if my mom fucks up with bills. So sister wants to get down there as soon as possible and July is our best bet. It should be better this time -- any kinks will get worked out of the car and it'll just be the two of us. Plus we know this time to write down our directions and not trust the GPS just decide on a different way for us. We also know our limits and how to best manage it.

Now there is of course my fear about going that far south of the mason dixon line post top surgery plus the high likely hood of meeting my mom again and/or my uncle (who is a confirmed homophobe), but we won't be down there long. I'm not worried about random people, I know the south isn't as homophobic as is assumed (and in fact I've met people in the "enlightened" north that have been the worst) but I am worried about police and random people thinking they are police stand ins. I know the last time we went down, sister didn't think twice and asked why I wasn't using the men's rest room if I needed to go so badly and I had to remind her of this shit. And now as an adult, if my mom or uncle give us shit, we will just leave as soon as sister gets her shit into her car. We know now that we can leave any given situation we feel unsafe in. It'll be fine. And if I get shaken up, I'll have my emergency anxiety med.

So that is the state of me right now.

Update?

alafaye — Mon, 16 Jan 2023 20:08:49 GMT

I mean. There isn't much actually going on. Which is a bit of relief to be honest.

There are work things happening, but most of it I can't talk about really. HIPPA laws and all that jazz. Plus its just not morally right in my opinion. I mean don't get me wrong, I do kvetch about it, but only with coworkers because we're all in the boat together. Customer service is different in medical care and not just because it involves privacy and safety. People are just... It is very heavily coming through that people are Not Okay, are tired and overwhelmed, are not doing well with their health.

It shouldn't need to be repeated, but please please be kind to health care professionals, from the receptionists to your actual provider. Your office isn't an exception to the mess that is going on; everywhere is a mess and it is being made worse because of the way things fell apart in this covid world. This means that sometimes you may not get a call back in what seems like a timely manner (when you get calls and messages through the patient portal at about 20+ an hour and four people on the answering side it gets really slow) and sometimes it means that you may have to wait a bit for an appointment. No please don't ask that kind of calls we get that we shouldn't get; I can't actually talk about it, but it's wearing.

My office has added yet another provider which is great news! Except that we don't have the support staff for another provider. Not enough medical assistants, not enough lpns/rns, not enough admins. We didn't have enough last summer when we added a seventh provider. We now have eight with only adding on two staff. And we are still accepting patients. The hospital network we are part of it has an agreement with the state we're in to keep accepting patients. How our providers are meant to provider care to all those patients is a mystery to us, but here we are.

Side note: for nearly everything for your health care, you can see a NP and get the same care. I promise. There is something like a year of school difference and even our NPs have to attend continuing education classes. Also did you know that NPs can have a phd?? One of my NPs has one. (Yes this is actually becoming a Problem in our area. "Oh but no I need an MD. They just know more and have more training." Which is. No. Did you know that provider in my office who knows the most about transgender care is actually a NP and not an MD? I promise. A NP has the experience and training to help you.)

(This is not a question about how badly medical providers can fail patients. That is a separate conversation I am very aware of given my own history, but I have found both NPs and MDs can fail patients in surprising ways.)

I have not yet received either promotion or pay raise. I talked with my manager about the position responsibilities and requirements and expectations; the concerns I have. I wrote a fancy official email saying yes please I would like this promotion. And then it got lost in the shuffle that was the beginning of December and then this person was on vacation and then this person was and then this person was again and now here I am. Still not promoted. Still not paid fairly. Rude.

My union is aware of the situation. I may have to soon give them an update for support just in case.

We lost one of our admin team and I have been sorting through what the base is expected of an admin vs what I am doing. If I don't get a response by the end of the week on this -- and I will bring the email back to the top of the inbox tomorrow morning when we get back from this holiday weekend -- then I am going to bounce back to the empty seat and refuse to do anything other than what is expected of a general admin. Work to Rule. And I will let patients know if anyone asks.

I like my job! I like my tasks. I like the little things I can do to help the clinical side. I really, really do.

I just also like being paid for the work I do in a manner that is consistent with expectations. What I do I should be paid at the next level, not where I am at now.

Personally, yes, I can desperately use the extra money. I have drawn up my budget and not knowing what or when I will get my tax refund if anything and when any FMLA/short term disability comes through or what that will be, I will need the extra money to pay for the bills when I have my surgery. I need more money for my cat because of the rate that he is going through food and litter both (about $100 each month to say nothing of $50 every 6 weeks for his nail trimming). My food itself is more expensive with my food allergies (I am not the only one noticing that gluten/nut/lactose free items are more scarce than other foods as well). Overall my medical care needs haven't changed, but I do now need year round allergy medication. I need a new car. I need a new computer -- yes I have my phone and my tablet, but for a lot of things it is easier for me to use a laptop.

But I will slough through it at a lower rate and do the job that my position says it is if the company refuses to cough up. I mean it's only fair. If they refuse to promote me, then I will do the work and only the work my position says it is and will make the budget work. It'll be awful, but hey fair is fair.

We shall see what the end of the week brings.

As I said up above money is tight, but I am making it work. The biggest hurdle right now is knowing that I'll need to take about a month off for top surgery. Right now, it is set for mid-March and I can make it work if I do get the promotion. I haven't heard yet if my insurance has approved it; I think we are waiting on a letter from my therapist. I did email her the beginning of last week as a follow up and I'll ask her about it at this week's therapy session. If it does get approved and I don't get the promotion then I will just bump back the surgery to a later date to have more time to save up for the bills. I should get some kind of coverage for it, either FMLA or short term disability, but even if I do, I have no idea of when the payout will be or even how much (if it covers all of my time out or just some). I haven't yet approached HR about it; want to wait until I hear about the insurance approval.

I do have help lined up for the week of, for driving me to the surgery and also the post ops days when the recovery will be the worst. It shouldn't be too bad, but better to have the help than not and especially since I won't be able to lift anything in the immediate recovery. It's my sister who lives a few states away; if my surgery falls through, she's still gonna take time off her job since she needs the break herself and we'll just hang out that week. I will have enough time off accrued by then. If nothing else, she wants to say hi to my cat (he was hers originally) before his time comes and also to get chocolate gummy bears since a place near me has some, but nowhere near her. Lol.

Cat is doing well. He has his ups and downs and his moods where I get scared like "is it time?!?!" One of my coworkers joked "oh he's on hospice care!" but yeah that's where we are at. I think he may have also developed diabetes given the rate that he is now going through water and litter, but again I am not seeing much change or decline otherwise. So it's just. Buy more food. Buy more litter. The last few days he's been super playful so that's has been a huge mood lift for me and I do love having a cat who likes to play. I do worry that that's a sign of something worse going on, that mentally he might be declining to a younger age as I know can happen with elderly humans, but that's hospice care for you :D

Health has been so-so for me. The weather has been something awful, up and down temps and terrible storms plus the stupid solar flares which always cause pain. And with the up and down temps it's getting difficult for me to plan my usual errands of laundry -- I usually like to do laundry early Saturday mornings, but we've had some Fridays where everything starts melting and then freezes which turns my driveway into an ice rink so I have to adjust the laundry plans. Very aggravating especially with pain flare ups on top if all. Mentally so-so. Was bad at one point because of one member of my immediate team at work, but then she voluntarily left and everyone let out a breath. We are all collectively better without her. She just. Wasn't a good fit for us. It did shuffle more work to my desk, but hopefully we can find a replacement quick (or not depending on my own negotiations).

Had a bit of a tight spot this past weekend where I needed some meds refilled when overall my bills needed some attention, but luckily I did not need to get a new FSA card this year and it's been preloaded for the year so the $70 of meds got covered and I was able to make everything work out this pay. Should be good for next week too even if the promotion doesn't take effect right away. I am hoping that my refund will at least cover the remainder of my car/rental insurance -- there is about $450 left of it for the year and if I can pay for that with my refund then that's $65 a month I get back at least until September. Hoping inflation gets under control soon; everything is just too expensive. It doesn't seem like it as I am moving through out the week, but at the end of the month it's just. WTAF is happening. Ugh.

I mean that's a bit more than I expected was going on, but hey. Words. Apparently.

Craft wise I haven't done too much. There was a cross stitch bookmark. A small letter ornament project a friend got me. Mostly been reading books. It's just that winter mood. Slow and steady and wait for the sun to return.

Overall just sitting with myself and how I am. Remembering the gains I have made -- gender, medically, financially (supporting artists on patreon! One in particular which I have been wanting to do for years and just couldn't make it work), small things like oat milk Chai lattes (which are different from the Chai drink from India, okay? Just trust me). Realizing that sometimes we come full circle and meet ourselves again -- my hair style right now is super similar to what I had a decade ago when I first experimented with gender, reading sci fi/fantasy again. Finding my feet under me in that liminal space between known and unknown, between an acceptable queer and one that embraces being not acceptable, in the space my great grandma walked before me between being Jewish and being a witch.

Peace and contentment is a strange beast, but it's OK. I am finding new pieces of myself and picking up others I had dropped. Meeting myself again, but also seeing the new.

Thanks

alafaye — Tue, 03 Jan 2023 00:31:45 GMT

To lijahlover and aeris444 for my holiday cards!

Holiday thanks!

alafaye — Wed, 14 Dec 2022 01:43:38 GMT

Thanks to lokifan, mahmfic, and enchanted_jae for my holiday cards! They look so festive under the tree.

We had a cookie exchange at work this week and not only did a friend-coworker provide ingredients for me to bake my own addition (chocolate crinkles, my favorite holiday cookie!), he baked another batch of the crinkles and gave me most of those to take home. I now have so many cookies in my freezer!!

And someone at holiday_wishes sent me a micro squishable bunny!! It is hanging out in my stocking right now with a star fish. I hope they'll be friends.

I was a bit behind in getting my cards out, but I have a batch going out tomorrow and will be sending more Friday on pay day. There is still time to request a card from me. Comment on this post where comments are screened if you would like a card.

Card?

alafaye — Sat, 26 Nov 2022 22:44:57 GMT

I have...one person who has asked for a card :(

If you would like a snail mail greeting, please go to this post where comments are screened and drop me your info. Even if you think I already have it!

Update? Update

alafaye — Sun, 20 Nov 2022 01:33:32 GMT

1. Cat is improving/has improved. He recently went in to have his nails trimmed and they asked if I wanted to treat his hyper thyroidism which was what was found in his last labs. I am firmly saying no because of his age. Treating him for it will just stress him out and I want his last time with me to be as calm as possible. Once he starts declining, then I will discuss putting him down. For now, we're just taking it day by day. Vet did say that he's going to keep eating without gaining weight -- which I have been cautious about feeding him as often as he wants to, but hey this is apparently his normal. He now gets three feedings of wet food, so many treats, and about half a cup of dry food. He's behaving normally aside from wanting all the food though being more cuddly though that might be just down to the fact that the temps dropped drastically. We're just doing day by day, playing it by ear. His food bill is ridiculous right now, but then so is my food so eh.

2. Speaking of food! I managed to finally pick up my testosterone prescription so puberty 2.0 is moving ahead. And like my cat I want all the food. Which is getting ridiculous in these inflation days. Ugh. Overall I don't think outwardly I can see any differences yet, but I can feel my muscles and fat shifting. I've got my follow up scheduled for January and I am going to discuss a higher dose. I'm only at a small amount right now so it should get cleared for a higher dose. Luckily the provider I see for my HRT is very much in the camp of trusting the patient knowing what they want so yay.

3. Walk through with my therapist in discussing how my parents influenced my gender and even how I viewed my own body and weight has led to a greater comfort with myself and how I would like to present to the world. Having already walked through so much about how badly my parents fucked me over, this wasn't anything that threw me or anything which is good. I was able to hold the pieces and just add it to the flaming pile of the wtaf this is not what you do to kids or treat them and another reason why I don't talk to them anymore. Last weekend I took Monday and Tuesday off (Tuesday being a vet appointment and I knew I could use the break so yeah let's take the time!) and I was able to do more sitting with my identity. My journey now is me having an appointment with a plastic surgeon for a consult on top surgery. I haven't changed what my gender is, but rather become more accepting of how I feel happiest day to day. My default presentation actually falls more to the masc end of things. I was kind of freaking out about even getting the consult because as I work in a doctor's office I knew the kind of BS one had to go through to get to the plastic surgeon that would be cheapest and easiest to get to (ie needing a letter from a pscyh with a phd who had been treating the patient for a year for gender dysphoria!) When I brought this up to my pcp she said uh no that guy is not actually not affirming I'm going to send you to this place which is an hour's drive (other place was about 40 minutes) and is still within network. I looked at my options with insurance during open enrollment this month and added on a few that would likely help me best even during the recovery if I'm right about coverage for that kind of surgery. I don't know that my insurance would even cover even a fraction of the cost, but we shall find out. The other part of course was wtf do I do about therapy if I need a letter because I really really like my therapist, but she doesn't have a phd and she isn't treating me for gender dysphoria and also I don't want to have to start over with a new therapist, running the risk of course of having some fuck head that would said no actually I'm female, I just have gotten it all mixed up because of the trauma. And of course the fact that finding any therapist not just one with a phd is hard as fuck right now. We have so many of our patients who are going without mental health care because of the increased need and shortage of professionals. I am hoping that the place I am referred to doesn't require the letter. I am surprised though as they had an opening for me in the second week of December (which is really good all things considered since their surgeons are there only three days a week). My appointment is actually 12/20. I tried to work it so it happened on a day when I had another appointment but no luck. Oh well. That means I can focus entirely on just this. Plus the hour long drive ugh. (It's also! In another state. Madness.)

4. Car is on it's last breath. The engine works great! But now in addition to the power steering pump and the compression hoses, there's an oil leak, I think one of the belts is going, and something in the rear end likes to go clunk-clunk once in a while. I am giving up. It'll keep running as long as I put oil in it or something serious breaks which I mean it's a 2000 Toyota so eh. I'm just gonna look at used car options in the next 6 months or so.

5. Work is good, but I am in the midst of pay/position negotiations. My job position did get a "market increase" on top of the company's annual 2% inflation increase, but it's just -- the work I do in my day to day has me straddling the line between regular admin and management which in my old job is called a shift lead without management responsibilities like keys or scheduling or pay roll. In this company that means you end up assistant manager which includes helping with scheduling and pay roll. I apparently sit solidly in the mid range for my position and they are not willing to make any concession to pay me any more, but they are willing to find the money to make me the practice lead. *eye roll* All I want is the high end of my job which should be about $1.50 more an hour which they won't shell out for, but they are willing to shell out for at least $5 if I aim higher. (I hate corporate ladders.) I've got a meeting with a union rep to see what advice they can offer me and then have to talk with my managers again and see how we can solve this to everyone's satisfaction. My manager's manager big thing is that she wants to invest the money in me only if I am willing to grow with the company. ARGH. Headache headache headache. I might just have to lay out all of my concerns and how I feel I can meet them halfway especially since my direct manager says that for her part she wouldn't want me to do anything other than what I am doing so it looks like we're all gonna have to figure this out with me leading the way. I'm going to have to look at more figures to find out what the bare minimum I would accept for pay including salary vs hourly and reasons why. I am tired. (The one good thing that did come out of my meeting with my manager was when she told me that the person who had the position before me -- it wasn't clear what all she did all day which to be honest was way obvious to me from the get go so that's some ice vindication.) I am also going to think hard on what I would need for accommodations so I am clear on those if this is how we move forward -- I have some vague idea as those are the ones I have been putting to the side so I was actually doing both jobs. It's just very ARGH

6. Bills remain on track yay. Bit tight what with the fucking inflation and life generally, but still making it work. Have got nearly all of the presents sorted out with a few exceptions. Figured out my own, too :D

My holiday wish list!

alafaye — Mon, 14 Nov 2022 00:56:19 GMT

It is that time. Wasn't sure about posting this here, but eh why not. If you have a wishlist, please share? Thanks!

1. Amazon of course: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1SAAP41WKHHNA?ref_=wl_share

2. Gift card to Panera/Subway for the days when cooking is just too much for this neuro atypical

3. Gift card to Walmart/Kohl's/TJ Maxx or! Solid color button down shirts in men's large or x large, men's sweaters, and men's pants (appropriate for office wear) in 38 x 30. I have a nice selection of women's options in my closet, but need some more male options.

4. Surprise mail! Greeting cards, plain chocolate, black/green tea, smarties, twizzlers, make up samples, nail polish, face masks, snack bag size chips, pastries like mini donets, international treats, hand sized stuffed animals -- just something fun in the mail. (I am allergic to nuts and tree nuts and sucralose and have a sensitivity to dairy.)

5. Books! One of the fun things about the move I made is that I am rediscovering the joy of reading 500+ page books. I love historical fantasy, magical realism, and steam punk. I also love short cosy mysteries and m/m romance. (Check out my good reads if you want to see what I have already read: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/10153846-a)

6. Hair dye + bleach -- I am looking at a dark green next, possibly purple. But I have dark hair so bleach is needed.

7. Earrings/eye brow/nose jewelry without nickle and not in gold tone. Which is a nigh impossibility as I am finding out. I love having piercings, but the current style I am finding is either gold tone which clashes with my skin tone or has nickle which I am allergic to.

8. Cross stitch kits! The more meme-like the better.

9. Music recs -- I love the Mountain Goats, the Decemberists, Rusty Shackle, and The Amazing Devil. (Found out my preferred music genre is alt rock/alt folk/whatever the MG are.) If you like these artists, let me know what else you listen to. Bonus points if I can buy it on Band Camp.

10. If you could donate $1 (or your country's equivilent) to the local soup kitchen/shelter/pet shelter near you. Those places can do more with even just that dollar than the donation of a physical item.

Holiday greetings!

alafaye — Mon, 14 Nov 2022 00:02:59 GMT

It is that time of year: time to over whelm my local post office with holiday greetings.

Comments are screened. Leave your mailing address and I will mail you a card. I am reusing the ones from last year and I don't keep track of who gets which one so you may get the same design as last year. Please indicate if you would prefer a generic winter greeting.

alafaye — Fri, 28 Oct 2022 23:45:57 GMT

Banner created by digthewriter

Join us this year for a fun end-of-the-year fest. Low key, low pressure, choose your own adventure! All types of work welcome, all fandoms welcome.

newyearcntdown: 31 days of fun!

Quick post

alafaye — Sun, 23 Oct 2022 21:16:55 GMT

1. My hair is BLUE. I am so thrilled with it. Not quite accepted by the company rules, but I am in a don't give a fuck mood lately. I think my boss is doing an uneasy looking away so long as I cover my hair when the high ups visit.

2. My cat gave me a scare recently. He had a stomach bug that for the first time in his 15 years turned him off food. He's since bounced back though he has decided he hates dry food. Based on his recent blood levels that we had do because of the stomach bug, however, we have moved into the 'keep an eye on him and his comfort'. Much sadness.

3. Have decided my birthday present to myself is a nose piercing. I have to go pick out the actual metal for it, but nurse friend will do the actual piercing for me. I will probably also soon get an eye brow piercing. I may have the metal for it already, I have to check with nurse friend.

4. I've got the process started for starting HRT to move me to the middle of genders, but we've got a hold up because of the insurance of course. Sigh. Also there's a shortage of needles hurray for me. Ugh.

5. Bank card issues at new bank. I am...so tired. Especially since I would love to have food delivered for my birthday meal, but the only place around here that takes paypal as an option is closed. ARGH

6. I am now doing therapy every other week by choice -- I have moved to a place in my journey where we are just doing patch work or she lets me do some verbal throw up about what's going on. My therapist offered instead to just email her when shit goes sideways, but even if I just have the bi weekly verbal throw up about shit going on I want therapy. She's cool with it. This week though we are going to talk about how my parents stifled my gender expression and how in conjunction they didn't allow me a safe space to talk about myself. More ARGH

Ok what is up with the new update page??

alafaye — Sun, 18 Sep 2022 21:32:40 GMT

So. I was gonna post an update — and I will — but what is this new updating thing. What. *pokes it with a stick* I do not like. Seriously I feel like I'm looking at a blog page as it's being updated. Ew. If you are like me and do not like it, go to your settings. Ugh. (FTR I am still using the old friends page view as well. I am set in my ways damn it.)

Anyway.

Update.

High Holidays are upon the synagogue and I am definitely not in the right head space for it, but then I don't think anyone is. My rabbi and I usually meet up once a week to see how my progress is going, but she's skipping next Sunday because she has things to do. I also will have a part o.o Our group is doing a hybrid service and since I've already stepped up to lead a yearly Tanakh study starting in October over zoom, our community coordinator person asked me if I could help keep an eye on the zoom portion of things. I won't be the only one - yay! - but yeah. My manager approved the four days for me to have off yay.

I actually need the time off anyway though. It's been an...interesting month. Sibling in old state voluntarily went to a psych unit and I only found out from her case manager who wanted to be sure I knew and also to give me a general update. Then sibling was supposed to be released Thursday or Friday, but by Saturday morning I hadn't heard from sibling or case manager. Given the reason for the admittance, I rightly had a small panic. Also because sibling I feel is the type of person who, being on the verge of homelessness, would have left the hospital and just embrace being homeless without looking at options or for help. I was not the only one with that opinion. Bit of a frantic weekend that included me having to defend not calling the police so as not to make my dad aware of what was going on. Which ended up being the correct choice as sibling was still admitted to the hospital.

And all that the midst of a depression flare up for me. Which was just. Ugh. I'm approaching my mental health flare ups the same way I do my physical ones -- it doesn't last, I just need to sit with it and not fight it and it will end. Now I haven't had a depression flare up in at least a year I think so I mean yay for that, but I had not yet been in a space to know what I needed for it so I was dealing with sitting with it, not fighting, which meant just taking things easy and not beating myself up when I don't get the chores done as I'd like to and not doing anything too challenging or over and beyond or starting something new project wise. And then wham sibling goes missing.

There is still trouble with sibling, but luckily the depression flare has gone. It actually fully stopped in the middle of the work day and wow did that make a difference work wise. I felt like I had gone from wandering in mud in a fog to a bright sunny day in a meadow. Complete 180, I was not prepared. Almost felt like whiplash, lol.

As for sibling, right now I am approaching this like I am a specialist with a patient who is struggling and I am calling for the rest of the team to gather up to come up with a solution. This includes sibling. If the team can't be called together because sibling is dragging their feet, then I will tell the case manager to talk to me when sibling is ready for the conservatorship (sibling is voluntarily signing for one and I will then have control over sibling's finances) and otherwise walk away from the problem. It's all I can do. And as in the situation as a specialist who has an uncooperative patient, I will move on to what will cooperate with me.

Work has been good. New admins are definitely working out well for us. Our intake list for new patients is jumping high again which is fine until patients get mad that the wait time is so long. I don't know what they expect us to do, though. It isn't like we don't already have 6k patients in our clinic and a wait list of almost 100 which keeps getting added to no matter how many patients I process intake for. And to be honest our wait time for appointments new or established is actually pretty good in the area. I know offices -- just your regular pcp office, not a specialist -- who are scheduling in January for regular appointments like physicals. Other offices have a year long waiting list. Ours is about 4 months right now. *shrug* And the number of calls we get a day is getting longer and longer -- it makes me glad that I know how to manage my chronic illness and how to do basic home first aid. Our new admins -- coming in from the outside where reports are all "OMG WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG FOR AN APPOINTMENT OR TO HEAR FROM A NURSE" -- are realizing that patients are half of the equation. We only have so many staff and it is nowhere absolutely nowhere near the staff level we need to handle our patient load. And it does take a lot out of person to treat each person as if they are first one to call that day even when it is 4:50 p.m. and you've already handle at least 100 calls or issues. At least it isn't boring.

Right now though I think my biggest issue is the fact that some of my clinical coworkers don't carry their own weight -- admins cannot do clinical load, should not have to handle some of the things we do, but I'm also pushing back on the fact that they aren't meeting the admins half way for things like "I have an acute issue that needs scheduling who can I reschedule?" which yeah comes up. To say nothing of the insurance companies sending us paperwork asking "please prove your fall risk client (for example) needs a walker. Also please send us an office note where you discuss the issue." (Which if the patient hasn't had one then we need to set up the appointment.)

Personally been so-so. Depression flare up and then I was good for about a week and then I had a fibro pain flare up so I've been kind of drowsy all weekend. When I wasn't drowsy, I was trying to make a financial plan beyond what I already had organized. I obviously need a new car. I can't right now imagine taking on a car loan, but if I do get at least $18 an hour next month, I can start putting money away for a down payment end of next year. It would coincide with me having paid off my student loan. People have suggested I apply for the relief thing from the fed gov't, but financially it doesn't make sense. The loan right now is under $2k and if I pay over the minimum required I'll be done in time for having the savings for a down payment on a car. Plus the loan will keep my credit score afloat while I am putting the money aside. I've been looking at credit cards to give my score a boost -- I have a good credit score, but past mistakes still showed up when I recently applied for a card I found out. Which I suspected would happen. Luckily I did find a card that is good for people like me and I was approved. I have already set up auto payments so once I get the actual card in the mail, I'll set up a few of my smaller bills -- less than $100 -- to pay by the card and I can forget about it. That'll help my financial goals. If I get more in my pay raise than what I am expecting, I should also be able to talk to my bank about options to maximize my savings at the end of this year.

I finally got my root canal done. Bit of a mess there -- I had an appointment set up a few weeks ago at my dentist for what I thought was going to be the root canal. I called them up the day before to say hey uh I need these things (surface numbing before the novacaine -- I went to a dentist once which didn't do that and ow -- and no epinephrine in the novacaine and oh yea what should I take for my jaw pain prior to the appointment since my jaw dislocates) and it turns out that the appointment was actually for a cleaning. ARGH. Luckily the receptionist jumped right on the issue. They don't do the root canals in their office (???), but they made a stat referral for me at an orthodontist because the infection I think was causing some of my migraines. I got a call from the orthodontist that day because they got a cancellation in a few days that they could offer me. Woohoo. I relayed all of my concerns to them and they got it all neat and tidy and ready. The specialist was great, he explained the whole thing and what he was going to do. They let me use my big wireless headphones and already had a plan in place to check in with me non verbally. And this weekend my gum feels normal for the first time in years. It's great.

I have a second appointment in a few weeks to do a final clean up on the tooth, but I should be good to go. My copay was $312! I'm gonna talk to my insurance company to find out what this means for my deductable and copay and all that jazz. If this met something something then I'm gonna talk to my dentist about not just filling my baby cavities, but also a crown for this root canaled tooth. Get it all done in the same year. If I move on it now, I should get appointments before the end of the year.

Binder has been going well. I've worn it maybe four times since I got it and each time it's just. It's joy. But I am finding that the days I don't wear it and am def not feeling like presenting like either gender I am not gender happy. I like being fluid and choosing what to present as each day, but most days I am neither. And so thinking it over, I have decided to start HRT. A small dose of t. I was going to ask my pcp about it -- even asked to have an appointment this past week to start it now and do a follow up in October during my physical -- but she only keeps up a prescription of it for her patients, doesn't start it for them. She was going to ask another provider in our office, where I work, but that provider doesn't like treating co-workers and we also know each other at the synagogue so to respect her wishes, I called planned parenthood which was the next option. Luckily it is near to where I live. And more the appointment I got is before my physical so I'll get that ball started and can give my pcp a good update.

I don't want to do a full transition. Just. Slide me a bit to the middle. Aside from my large tits, I do have a high pitched voice and a classic hour glass figure. Gender presentation wise, I can present as female with a dress or skirt and a good bra. Physically, I would like to be more in the middle of or even be more neither. So just a small dose. See what that does and adjust from there. T is also good for hypermobility so it'll be good for my joints, too. (It helps to strengthen the connection in joints. Too much of the female hormones and things are loose -- those hormones are the same ones that spike during labor to help hips stretch for birth.)

All of that aside.

I've got posts queued up for teacup_society for next weekend's tea cup party and we are finally in good weather for hot tea! And there is the info post for newyearcntdown. I can't believe fest season is upon us. I kind of want to do something, but the way I'm feeling right now, it ain't happening. I'll see how I feel end of October.

Speaking of fandom, I have watched Sandman and it is lovely. I know the hot pairing is Dream/Hob, but I would like more Dream/Calliope. Does anyone have any recs?

Update

alafaye — Sat, 27 Aug 2022 21:48:27 GMT

There's been nothing much of note happening. My hair is slowly fading back to it's natural color (which isn't a surprise really). Got my cartilage pierced after a week's delay due to the coworker who was supposed to do it for me was out sick for a week. Luckily, unlike the last time I had this piercing done, no signs of infection. I am very pleased with it. I am definitely not loving having the hoops up there, at least not as big as these ones are, but they'll hold until I can get something else. I had a minor mishap with one of the ears -- when I took them out briefly the first week just to check for signs of an infection, when I put the earring back in, it somehow found a different path in my ear? I dunno but the end of the earring poked through a whole new hole so I left it as is until I got to work and we just. Pushed the earring through completely to make a new piercing with the earring itself rather than a needle. Weirdly enough I've had zero trouble since then.

I've nearly settled on what I want for a tat -- wide bracelets on my wrists, something geometric and/or mandala like. I'm still sorting through ideas in my head. Definitely going with wide bracelets though. I do have to start doing research on artists so I can start pricing it out. I am also entertaining getting what would be a tat kit for people learning the trade (it says it would tat pig skin which means it will tat human skin). I wouldn't do the bracelets myself, but I am interested in just seeing how it would be like to tat myself. I don't know why, I just want to. My therapist thinks it's funny, but at least she didn't ask if it's a self harm thing which it's not. But not hearing her say that is validating. She did remark that at least it would be safer that what most people do in high school which yes, true (the unique ways teenagers think of how to pierce and tat themselves is truly amazing, but also not safe). But it does point me also to why I am partially interested and loops in with my piercings and tat plans and also my binder -- I didn't get that time of my life to experiment with it all. When most people in high school or in their 20s are doing all of this I was in survival mode and being emotional beaten down (and honestly it's def an abuse tactic my mom did not encourage me to get a part time job or get my license when I was in school; if I had either of those, I would have more freedom away from her). I didn't have time to be free to explore my expression of who I am.

Especially when we were talking about my piercings at work and someone said "your bodies are beautiful as they are!" Which yes. But what if I want to adorn it? What if I want it to match what I feel like? And honestly it's also about bodily autonomy -- I couldn't do any of this when I was in old state because my dad was controlling it in a round about way. I kept my hair long, I presented as feminine, I didn't get any piercings or tats so I wouldn't have to have a lecture from him. Will I keep the piercings forever? Will I always present as someone neither male or female? It doesn't matter! Right now this is me and I am happy.

Speaking of! I got my binder in the mail this past week. *happy dance and noises* It fits it fits it fits. I nearly cried when I put it on I was so happy. It won't be for every day of course, but oh I can't wait for the weather to cool enough that I can wear it under a button down top and vest. I am just a ball of squee every time I think about it.

My cat has finally let me know what's going on with him -- he's Old. I figured it out last weekend when all he did was sit with me. That's all he wanted and that's all he did. I had to cancel my meeting with the rabbi because I knew that the up and down volume of zoom bothers the cat. Since then I was paying more attention and yeah that's it. He's in the end of his time. Which is probably still a year or two out, but it's begun. I've slowly been coming to terms with it, but I am more worried about the vet appointment in October. I think he may have also developed diabetes, but as he is in the end of his life, I do not want to either put down the money for insulin nor do I want to put him through the stress of repeated insulin shots however often I'd have to give them. I don't think the vet will give me grief over that decision, but who knows. I'm probably just borrowing trouble that won't even exist.

I recently switched banks. I had two accounts at two different banks -- I liked having one for bills and that was bank from old state who's nearest branch in new state was an hour and a half away. I also had an account for things like groceries -- it gives me less anxiety knowing that I have no way of accidentally spending bill money on groceries especially the way the price of food keeps fluctuating. But the bank with the spending money grocery got bought out and I've learned in the past from that kind of thing that somehow I loose out. Whether it's that the bank is now a greater drive for me or the fees go up or something. And the other bank -- things just weren't adding up. At first it was random small amounts, like $3 or $4 that I thought well maybe I'm adding wrong though to be honest I couldn't figure out where. But then it was suddenly larger amounts -- once even $20. It wasn't fees, I had all the receipts for where I spent the money, nothing was showing up on my statement. So I had enough when I saw the $20.

I wasn't in a place mentally with my energy that I could devote to this big Adult task, but when I'm missing suddenly $20 then it's time. It took me two separate days off to tackle -- first was just to close out the bank nearest me and open up the new accounts. I went with a credit union and I did the Adult thing by looking at my options. The one I ended up going with requires one have a savings if you're gonna have a checking and you don't automatically get the debit-credit card; you have to sign up for it. Ok cool I want two accounts any way, let's go.

But as the week went on and as I was considering my options I decided ya know what. Maybe it is time I have a separate account for savings. I have enough that I could put aside money each time for it and if it's in a different account it'll be easier for me to keep that money for savings plus that savings account won't have a card attached to it. So Tuesday after the vet tech appointment (for his nail trimming as he is a big grumpy boy who needs two people to cut his nails -- one to hold him and one to cut) where I gave them notes about my cat's health for his actual vet appointment in October I did the drive down to the nearest bank. Which was. A drive. New state is very rural so I managed some of the drive on the highway, but the rest of it is on back roads that meander through mountains. And it was raining >.<

And guess how long it took to close the account? 5 minutes! I drove an hour and a half for something that took 5 minutes. And there wasn't even anything else down there that I wanted to do. Well, maybe, but I am not one for window shopping and right now I don't have anything extra to spend. I mean I could have stopped for yarn, but good yarn is very expensive so. I might make the trip another day if someone else drives, but not on my own.

Anyway went to new bank where I asked about a second checking account and apparently each checking account needs its own savings account Oo Alrighty then. I mean it works out for me because I had been thinking for a while of having a place to store the money for my cat's needs -- vet appointments, his chewy order, etc. So now my cat has his own account lol.

Which means I am managing four accounts which I think sounds like madness to other people, but it works out well for me. I like having things well organized and set and this will help with that. One for bills, one for my groceries or etc, one for savings, one for the cat. And I worked out how much each account will need percentage wise from my pay check so I can enter those percentages into my HR account so my pay will be divided up into the accounts without any effort on my part.

Next month and October will be a bit tight finance wise -- my lease is up for renewal and so is my internet contract and of course both are going up. All told my bills will go up by $75 and the company I work for gives pay raises to everyone at the same time, when their financial year renews in October. I should get a bump up to $18 which would be enough to at least recover the bump in my rent and I can put more toward savings, but there's a rumor going around that the company may try to aim higher to be more competitive for admins to increase retention. I mean if the base rate for my job goes up again, that's a win for me even though I am pretty much retained given how much better off I am than the other jobs I am skilled for -- retail and food service. I've worked out what percentages I will have to adjust for based on the rough figures I ran by looking at what people do make in my job in this state and also nationally. I'm thinking if the company does bump us up to be more competitive, they're gonna aim for a national one. We shall see.

I had my yearly review -- again the company does everyone's review at the same time, no matter when they are hired. Very strange to me, but hey whatever. I was the first to finish my self review which would be hilarious if I hadn't done while we were having our monthly office meeting. I tuned out when they were repeating info on the work flow shift the company is aiming for. Plenty of time to complete the form as it's a very straight forward one. The meeting with my manager for my review didn't take long and I actually was told that I had gotten a tier above the usual one given out so I guess I'm shining through. Yay job security.

New admins hit the ground running and willingly so we're pretty happy with them. I was back in my little office this past week which is such a load off of me and I was able to tackle some tasks I'd fallen behind on and also switch back to the work flow that is easiest for me as well as benefits the providers (e.g. shifting an appointment or two to ease up a double book). I was also able to do a look ahead to what will be needed from the admins to support the providers and nurses. I am so happy.

Mind, I was only in the office two days this week -- I had taken a day for bank and vet, but then I had a migraine that wouldn't quit even with medications so I took Thursday off as a sick day and Friday I was like well maybe (because Monday I also had killer migraine), but I ate breakfast and felt nauseous. So. No, we are not working today, thank you. But as Friday went on I remembered the last time I was having migraines that weren't responding to treatment and it was that time weeks ago when I had a melt down at work. The migraines came first and then the melt down. And my lower back as happened weeks ago has been tight enough that it doesn't want to fully relax. My lower back is where I feel stress usually. I think I did the right time taking the time rather than pushing through it. I've definitely been catching up on sleep and apparently catching up on calories. I'm not surprised though that my body was telling me to chill -- work is in a change up and my personal things have been difficult too. Lots going on, lots to keep an eye on. Of course I needed down time.

This coming week will be a full work week for me, but then the week after we'll be closed Labor Day (Monday) and I took that Friday off too so that'll be a three day work week bracketed by three day weekends. It'll be good. I might go to a state park and do a hike in a fresh space. Maybe finally take a look around the local coop and at least buy some local apples -- to make applesauce or apple crisp, I'm not sure, but something autumn-y.

Today has been good, too. As I said, I've been sleeping and catching up on food so today I managed a full cleaning of the apartment including washing the blankets on the futon and the rug I use for yoga. I also managed a dusting and also shelved books that I'd read and wanted to keep. And it felt like a good solid cleansing cleaning -- airing out the apartment and refreshing it.

I recently applied to some kind of fund from old state that is being granted to people who worked the last few years during the pandemic as an essential worker. I'm nearly sure my job classified as one -- if not as a college bookseller when colleges were operating in full again, but as a food service person. I dunno, we'll find out. If I do get it, I'll be able to get my car fixed. The long ass drive I did Tuesday fried the spark plugs again so I have to replace those, but I will also have to get the tech to replace the hoses that hook up the engine so that it stops loosing air compression. I also need to replace the steering pump and as I found out today a new oil container/tank/thing - I thought the engine was going through a lot of oil because the pistons were working harder due to the lost compression, but I lost the oil cap as I was putting it back on and as I was looking for it under the car, what was dripping but oil >.< I think altogether the fund grant should be enough to cover all the parts and labor time. It depends on how expensive the oil thing will be as I have a rough idea of how much labor will cost at the garage and I know definitely how expensive the steering pump will be.

I was talking to my therapist about the car and dad - I knew there was something wrong with the compression when he first got me the car, but he didn't understand what I was talking about and so he dismissed me. And I told him years ago that the steering pump was going, but again he waved it off. He knew both of these issues when he had my car last October when the doors needed replacing from the accident and he didn't do anything. My therapist and I both agree that dad and his attitude toward what I knew was wrong was a form of emotional abuse, but then also him not replacing any of it when he had a for a fucking week or even asking the garage to fix it... If I had kept in touch with him, there would have definitely been a comment along the lines of "you moved, you said you would handle the car repairs on your own now..." Argh.

Anyway. Longer than I expected to write, but hey things are going on. I do hate Adulting when I have to do a bunch of it at once, but at least I'm nearly done with this batch.

I've caught up on all the entries, but maybe I missed something or maybe you haven't been posting. How's everyone?

It has been a year o.o

alafaye — Sat, 30 Jul 2022 20:21:22 GMT

No really. Well, okay it's been a year and a few weeks, but 7/19 marked when I started my new job!! I made it a year and I am, for the first time ever, not thinking about getting another job.

(Joyous discussion under the cut as well as an update)

I am still very much happy with my job and look forward to more time there. My brain is still stuck in the "what if" mode so I'll find myself keeping a tally sometimes of which places are hiring even if I know it would suck for me and I'll shake myself out of it. I don't need to be keeping up right now with job hunting. I have a job that wants to keep me and supports me and I am neither bored nor underwhelmed by it. (Which is a big factor for me; all of my previous jobs have, at the end, been very boring for me so it's a struggle for me to want to stay. Ah, the joys of being neuro atypical.)

That means it's also been a year since I said nah, I'm gonna save myself. Which is hard to admit to in some ways. I can recognize now that yes I was heading toward a suicide attempt, but part of me, the part that was traumatized by my parents and the part that was subsumed to their needs, struggles with it because of the issues my sibling was and is having living on their own. Just as I have to remember the safe steps I have in place if my dad finds me, I have to keep remembering that there was no sign that my sibling couldn't make it and when there were signs of a struggle, I offered help in a way that would've been the half way point for the two of us and I wasn't the one who wouldn't step to the half way point.

Sibling is right now very likely hiding in a hole in their apartment, waiting to be arrested or something, just plain imagining the worst. The room mate they had moved out back in May and sibling of course fell behind on the rent and bills again and so the landlord said you're out. I think that he has to go through the legal system to physically move sibling out so it's a likely case that sibling will remain there as a squatter for like another month, but I could be wrong. I have to keep telling myself not my circus not my monkeys; I offered to help by being, essentially, a payee last year and that would've solved so much. So so much. I could've still helped sibling out, but in a way that meant I wasn't sacrificing my health and self care gains. But sibling just didn't change their direct deposit at work to my account and so.

Anyway.

Work continues to be a bit awful, but in two weeks our new hires start, yay. Am excite. It means in about four weeks I can get back to my little hole-in-the-wall office and have much less patient interaction and I will be able to be not only on top of my own tasks, but able to step up to meet the admin needs that arise. I will also be able to uproot the problem admin from my direct line of sight and easy access to asking me questions -- we have four desks in a row for check in and the other admin I have is at the far end so we figure putting one of the new by her and one of the new by me and our worst admin can sit between them. Then the new people can ask the more experienced and able of us questions as they learn and go on and also I get the bonus of not having to have immediate issues with the problem admin sitting near to my office.

Problem admin's six month review is coming up and it really isn't looking good for her. Collectively we agree that we cannot let her go due to the concern of a potential labor suit -- she is going through some things and it is affecting her work load and our manager knows this, it was even discussed if she qualified for some FMLA so if we let her go it could butt up against a labor suit of unfair firing. On the other hand there isn't a person in our office who doesn't work up at the desk to help out who is like "is she okay?" thinking that something is going on health wise that means she is struggling, but no that's just...that's just her day to day. When her health is struggling, its worse. But with the six month coming up we've been tasked with seeing problems areas and writing it down. She is unfortunately becoming aware that we are not letting her do the same work load that the other admin and I do so I've passed that along to my manager and we both agree that we're gonna have to be blunt with her: that she is obviously not up to the same amount of tasks and that as much as she wants to do more and be more helpful, she won't get any more tasks because she can't even handle what we need her to do on a base level for the job position. Luckily I am not a manager so it's not my issues to address :D

I had Friday off -- one of the ones I had asked for off. I had completely forgotten about it! I only realized when I was looking through my time off requests to capture how much time off I do have left. Would've been hilarious if I had gone into work that morning, lol. It was a pay day too so I did the errands in the morning with a few extra, proving to myself again that no I cannot do that many errands any more in a row. Which is of course butting up against my current agoraphobia due to covid (and now monkey pox) -- I would prefer to just get everything done in the morning before anyone gets going and night time is not good for me since my body starts slowing down at like 3. But it was good getting everything done in the morning and then coming home to chill. Got my groceries, went to a used book sale at the library (which was insane, these people do not mess around when it comes to book sales around here!), picked up a few cat toys since the cat has been rather glum and it seems to have helped; returned two bags of cans/bottles (if you are not familiar with this practice, in some states you have to pay $0.05 per plastic bottle or aluminum when you buy something like soda or water -- but not something gatorade, idek what the diff is -- which you can either recycle throwing away your 0.05 or you can bring it to a grocery store which has a machine which counts these items and crushes them, it prints off a receipt so you can go get your money back. It isn't a whole lot, but I got a return of $4.60 which paid for the used books but I also use it to buffer laundry days). I also went to TJ Maxx and picked up some fancy shampoo as my hair is refusing to behave with what I get from Walmart and also nabbed some good earrings on clearance so I can finally get my ear cartilage pierced.

I also grabbed hair dye and bleach. Which was. Well. My hair is definitely that dark brown that is practically black. And as is my way I didn't do any research; I just read the instructions and went for it. So the bleach just turned my hair this weird brass color and the dye -- which was supposed to be a blue silver color -- turned my hair blonde O.o Which actually hasn't been an awful look for me and since I only put the bleach in part of my hair (I was aiming for a frosted top look) I now have this weird ombre thing going on where the top of my hair is blond and it fades into the natural color. It doesn't look bad so I am not worried about it or bemoaning my fate, but I am so confused. A friend who was once a professional hair stylist is giving me tips for next time.

Today I went for a hike and did the climb-climb so I could see the mountains; I always love that view. Actually made it to the synagogue service this morning (and woe my rabbi has caught the covid) and have just generally chilled. Luckily the weather today has been mild.

Anyway.

One fucking year. I didn't crash and burn. In fact, I rather did a Hallmark movie -- I up sticks and moved to a place I'd never lived before, I knew no one up here, I didn't yet have an apartment.

But I had to do it. And not only did I survive, but I managed to find space to thrive in a way that I wasn't yet able to before in my life. My sister said to me yesterday that she is amazed to actually see me -- that I am finally shining. Because we were talking about the one year mark and how I dyed my hair after I cut it some months ago to match myself and how I had plans to get my ears pierced because it would make me happy and I am finally able to seriously consider a tatt and because I am unabashedly living as an out queer person; to look at me is to know that I am indeed queer. And of course I am finally receiving the medical help I desperately needed and I am finally medicated after years of not. I've just found out what my preferred music genre is -- at 34! That is a long ass time to not know what music genre you prefer and my reason for not having it was actually an excuse, a lie, a way of hiding my depression and trauma -- it was part and parcel of not having had choice of anything growing up.

Many years ago I had an outline for what I wanted out of job and then gave it up when it became obvious that where I was living would never give me a job where I could get what I wanted and needed out of a job. But now I have that job. And I not only am getting that base level, this week I came out with savings that wasn't ear marked for anything. I am caught up on my bills, my pantry and bathroom is well stocked, I have books and craft supplies, I have had some splurge items, I have the money ready for the cat items due next month, I have money set aside for treating myself to trips to the cafe, my car gas tank is full, I have my medical needs met currently, and I still have money set aside for savings on nothing. I am crying a bit because I didn't think I'd ever have this.

One year. I am still not over it.

alafaye — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 20:14:07 GMT

Thank you everyone for your support. It does help, more than you know.

I've been better than I have been; the update to my care plan has been helping. I'm back to one migraine a week and I'm sleeping better. Huzzah.

Today I went for a hike and found yet another trail -- this one didn't loop around at all or interconnect with others, but it lead me up and up and up and I found a breath taking view of the mountains. Photos under the cut. I had to do some climbing over some left behind quarried stone and found a few holes that I would swear on my life were portals to another realm. Given that this is a beautiful park, I need to buy an actual camera to get better shots of some of the things I find.

I recently learned the double stitch for crochet which is helping speed along my progress on my shawl. Photo also under the cut.

I have socially changed my name! I hadn't anticipated doing so, but on my path to being me, my name hasn't felt like mine. It didn't match me. I picked one out and rolled with it for a few weeks like using it when I get an order at the cafes. This week I made a quiet announcement on my insta and emailed everyone at work. It's been hilarious work wise because so much of it is rote that I'm tripping over my own name as even I adjust to it! Patients have been mispronouncing it because I chose something Irish and they're choosing what they think it should be which happens even to my coworkers who stick with their birth name. I suppose I could have chosen something Jewish, but this name feels like me.

I had a thought - and I knew it was a bad thought as soon as I thought it - that maybe I should've chosen pronouns and a name that was easier for other people. Luckily even my coworkers agreed that was a bad thought :D Speaking of work, my company does not have a gender neutral prefix option! I found out when I was updating my profile and requesting a new badge; I've emailed the right HR person so it is being worked on. I mean for a company that likely has over 1k employees I can't be the only one in need of such a prefix.

I did some meal prep today before cleaning -- some chicken, rice, and broccoli as well as a few pasta and sausage ones; they're all chilling in the freezer. I made a treat for the week -- cookies. I had gotten one of those bag mixes by accident when I wanted a muffin pack so I finally baked it up. And I cut up veg for the week. I wanted it all done today so tomorrow I could savor a hand mask for as long as possible without repeatedly washing my hands because of the dishes involved.

Tomorrow is at home spa day -- I got a hand mask, foot mask, and a face mask. Tonight I'm gonna use the hair mask and also do some nail attending so they are ready for the hand and foot mask.

Click to see the images bigger.

How about an update?

alafaye — Sun, 03 Jul 2022 14:12:58 GMT

I mean it's been more than a month.

TW for some heavy things dealing with unhealthy coping mechanisms. I'm alright right now but only for the grace of the health care team I have and the fact that my coworkers really do watch out for each other.

I mean really really sideways. As much as I was getting along well enough, it had been a long few months of short staffing and appointment shuffling because either someone got covid or had a family thing come up. My team came up the shortest because admin can run leaner than the staff that supports patients. And then when everyone was back to work, our patients started coming up emergency room levels of sick or being unable to deal with the smallest of things like a banged up toe and needing follow up care which meant shifting appointments and an up tick in phone calls. Toss in a shift in the network for how we deliver care which is calling for a fuck ton of meetings that really could just be a few pages of a booklet (THIS MEETING COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMAIL) and me dealing with coming to terms with my dad's abuse ... my downtime was me putting in a quarter tank when I was using a half tank is the best way I could put it.

And then we had this family that ended up triggering me and it got my manager involved and I was Not Okay.

The work fall out wasn't terrible, but I had to admit that I couldn't function as we had been. I wrote to my manager asking for support and wrote to my therapist about it because mentally the fall out was bad bad. I wrote to my doctor and she gave me a prescription for a benzo -- something to help me calm down from a severe anxiety attack. Nothing for the day to day, but for when the anxiety punches through; like when I get a fibro pain flare up.

We are still struggling to fill in the spots in admin which is still driving me crazy; it's a full time position, pays at least $3.50 above minimum, benefits, no overtime. But as we don't yet have those spots filled and because one of my team members just can't do the job well enough to make up for the lack, one of the triage team is helping us at the front desk. Collectively everyone is trying to get that one team member up to snuff, but it has been floated that if she can't get her act together we might have to let her go. It isn't that she's awful at the job, but she gets overwhelmed easily and doesn't have a method to combat that; everyone else can take three calls in the time it takes her to complete one; she's behind the few training modules we all get assigned; she hasn't read her emails in weeks so she often doesn't know when someone else is running late or is behind. It's just. It's very draining. It cascaded down to me as I fell behind on my tasks as team lead because I was then picking up more calls and my anxiety is up because I am now also checking patients in again.

My triggered episode wouldn't have been so bad if my tanks weren't already low partly because of the above.

I have to also talk with my therapist because this particular coworker triggered me Friday afternoon and I talked with my sister to make sure it was indeed the trigger I thought it was. Obviously my therapist has to help me through this as I can't just fire someone because they remind me of my mum badly. It's on me to sort my brain out. But it's also part of what's draining me.

Also I am very very tired of sorting through every bit of damage my parents did to me. This is fucking ridiculous. And it's very infuriating that my parents were a huge huge part of how I became suicidally inclined; I had a bit of a danger moment when the family triggered me a few weeks ago -- I worked through it and it only lasted the night, I was fine by morning, but it boiled down to me wanting time to just fucking rest. It wasn't about actually wanting to be dead, it just a desire to fucking rest and it's become a red flag for my exhaustion because I wasn't allowed time enough to rest in the house I grew up in. We were lucky to get an hour to fully rest if that because otherwise us kids were tossed around like ships in a sea storm the way my parents behaved.

For the most though I'm starting to feel better, but I'm not wholly there yet. Obviously if Friday was any indication. And if it's any indication when I want to tell patients to learn how to use ibuprofen and ice packs and antibiotic cream and anti itch cream before they fucking call us. (To be fair though more than half our calls lately end with one of us feeling that way so I'm not alone.) Also my cat has spent this weekend glued to my hip which always a good indicator of things.

So I'm okay and I'm not okay. Mostly at the okay side of things especially since I finally got caught up on work things and I've managed to figure out at least somewhat how to keep up patient care when one member of my team isn't holding up the way the rest of us are.

I did recently have an appointment with my doctor, a usual check in just because I am right now medicated and I do have things going on. I keep her up to date with things through the patient portal just to keep her in the loop so good news is that she isn't overly concerned with me right now. I'm an active participant in my own care and I'm open about what I'm going through and what I need and so she's happy waiting until October to see me again and signing off on my refills as needed. (In fact her words of choice were that she is there is dispense my medication because I'm so active in my own care and what I need.)

My therapist is pleased with the work load I put in too so yay.

I recently figured out how to block numbers on my phone so now my dad and his mom are both unable to contact me. I got approval for a program that will allow me to participate in society -- like for voting -- without having my address out there for the world to see. The only possible vulnerability for my family finding me is if dad tries to call every doctor's office to find out which one I work at, but even if he does find me there we have a lot of spaces that are not accessible without a badge and there are a lot of support plans for if patients get violent so I'm as safe as I can be really.

To combat my stress levels I've had to redo my personal health care plan to loop in more meditation time and more buffer time between work and home. I've redone how often I'm online in the evenings and take time to do some low tech options before bed. The situation I'm in would be bad enough for people without my trauma and chronic illnesses; there are days I want to scream because I'm managing being chronically ill while also being near a mental break down due to work. It is very exhausting -- it's rather like driving a mini van with a bunch of kids screaming and aggravating each other and I'm stuck in rush hour traffic with no exits for the next five miles.

tl;dr I'm not okay, but I could be worse and I'm making it through day by day.

Anyway.

I recently put in my order for a binder -- exciting! I've already alerted my coworkers that they're on call for when I try it on for the first time. I don't live with anyone so if I try on my binder at home and get stuck I have no help available. I'm gonna have to try it on at work which isn't bad; my coworkers are the best. They've been very supportive with my social transition here and I know they are as excited as I am in this next step. I won't be wearing it every day or even once a week; it'll go as I feel like I need to wear it according to each day. I've got a few button down shirts I'm considering buying from Amazon since a lot of my work clothes right now skew toward feminine or fem-androgynous. My life needs more button downs and masc vest combos. And bow ties. I love bow ties.

I put in an order for books; most of them have come in. I have a big to-be read pile right now and I am excite. I ordered some through the Harlequin website and it netted me enough rewards for a freebie just in time for an author I love to have a new book on sale this month. Score!

I splurged and got one of those Wet Brush brushes -- despite the fact that short hair is supposed to be easier to manage MINE ISN'T. It snarls a lot easier even dry and it's thicker. I don't even know how. The Wet Brush is working out for me though and I splurged on a fancy Disney one because Belle is my favorite princess. I also picked up this neat water bottle that has one of those 7 day pill pack things on the side. It comes off to make cleaning the bottle easier. This purchase is more of a need since I often find myself forgetting to gather my pills at dinner time; this way I have my pills and my water together and I don't have to remember it. I also did a tea stock up -- very important for the mental health; the ritual of putting together a cup of loose leaf tea is very calming for me.

I'm considering a big Ulta order -- they have my face moisturizer on sale and there are some odds and ends make up wise and spa-at-home wise on sale. It would cut into my savings a tad, but maybe worth it.

I downloaded a new meditation app -- it's from the same company as my yoga app so my sub for the yoga includes the meditation one. It's been helpful since it's guided meditation; I'm less likely to wander off if someone is keeping me focused on my breath. My post work day now includes what I call mandatory floor time -- floor time is healthy for neuro atypicals after all. I usually do some restorative yoga which is the kind where you just stretch on the floor, no standing poses, and then I'll do some meditation. I do all this post shower and before I eat. It does help.

Weather's been icky. Mostly it's all right, sitting nicely in the 70s or low 80s, but we've had too many days of 90 with sticky humidity. Blegh. Luckily it usually means a decent storm and the temp drops down really fast. But the fluctuations mean too many headaches and body aches. Drives my sinuses crazy too because some days the pollen is ridiculously high and then other days it's okay. I've added in off brand flonase to my medicine regime to help combat it; I haven't completed a full week yet, but it's been helping at least with the excess ear wax.

Migraines have been awful between the stress and weather, but it does seem to be tapering off now that I'm doing more to combat the stress and being in tune with myself so I take mandatory breaks away from my desk to meditate (which usually means I'm in the break room bent in half breathing slowly, lol). I've switched to a disolvable tablet for when I do get migraines which is also helping me with medication. As I said to someone else recently medicine and health care only works when you make it easiest for yourself. So disolvable medicine and a water bottle for helping me with taking my medicine.

I've put in for a few days off work in the next three months; I had initially asked my manager to work with me to get me a full week off, but she declined, saying I don't have enough time off saved which was confusing to me as well as my sister as she knows how much time off I've got saved plus how much I usually get per pay period for the hours I work plus the fact that my work place allow us to use time off before we've earned it. I'm nearly sure it's not about how much time off I have acrued and more about staffing. And even though I asked her for help managing it, she said for me to check the calendar about when providers are off as those are days with less patients; it still took me two weeks to get enough time to look at the calendar since we've been so busy. *sigh* But I did put in for it off so that's good. I will also have a few half days for when I take the cat to the vet.

Which yes is needed because the vet prefers my cat to have gabapentin prior to his appointments to make it less stressful for everybody so I have to make sure to give him some of it prior which means morning appointments. I mean yay half days for me, but ugh. Pain in the butt animal. Love him, but boy is he a pain.

Today it's fairly cool. I unfolded the futon so I have space to spread out and be comfy. I've got plenty of books to read and ice tea ready. Might take a nap soon. And tomorrow is a day off for the holiday. I'm making things okay by supporting myself the best I can.