Special Agent James Campbell Fraser

musebysentence | 73.1. Absolutely Fabulous

2010-04-28T07:07:12Z

LINK: I know back then I didn't take the news of a bun in the oven well at all, but I just have to say I fucking LOVE being a daddy and thank god for my awesome, determined sperm.

musebysentence | 66.8. Scire quod sciendum

2010-03-15T07:13:44Z

LINK: The information needed might have been vital to his case, but that didn't mean he had to love LA in the process, and he couldn't wait to bloody get home.

For musebyrp

2010-03-06T13:44:27Z

LINK: Gotta go undercover as a drag queen.

Brilliant. Just wonderful.

musebysentence | 51.1. Kid

2010-01-30T12:21:19Z

LINK: For the first time in a long time, James felt like he did something right, and being a father was one thing he didn't want to ever fuck up.

Proof the awesome fruits of my loins has eyeballs

2010-01-30T12:14:46Z

And bed head, but we don't talk about that. No Mum around today to do the sweepy, zhushy, styley thingo to make it look trendy, so us boys are letting it all hang out today. He's gotta get in lots of practice for sexy shag hair when he's a teenager anyway. He is a Campbell, afterall.

Campbell genes at their finest!

2010-01-17T07:51:12Z

42.5. Baby

2009-12-30T02:45:13Z

LINK: Miss him so much I feel sick.

musesandlyrics | 2.7. Unknown quote

2009-12-24T06:28:38Z

2.7. "Promises are like babies: easy to make, hard to deliver."
Unknown

With agentsullivan

James let himself into Ali's apartment with the key he had, just like she told him to when she called. The place was dark, all the blinds drawn with just a couple of lamps on here and there. She hadn't gone into much detail on the phone, just asked him if he could come around and keep her company while Andrew was in Chicago for some conference. He wouldn't be home until Christmas Eve, James knew Ali well enough to know just from the tone of her voice that she really could use some company. He found her curled up on the sofa, a blanket wrapped around her legs and wearing one of Andrew's large paramedic jerseys. She was nursing a mug of something, and the TV remote control was in easy reach while the large screen mounted on the wall looked like it was playing an old Eighties movie of some sort, if the clothing and hairstyles were anything to go by.

He shrugged his coat off and draped it over the back of the nearby recliner before dumping his wallet and keys on the coffee table. Taking the seat beside her, he stroked his fingers through her hair and took her hand. For the first time in a long time, he was able to drop everything and come to her when she asked. He didn't let her down this time. For some reason, he had expected her to be in tears, but she wasn't. She just looked tired and down. Maybe she wasn't feeling well? "Is there a reason for the Bat Call, or do you just want me to sit here quietly and not say anything?" he asked her with a small smile. But he frowned as he looked over her face gave his head a slight shake. "What's wrong, Al? Something's not right."

Ali pressed her lips together and shook her, but she managed a faint smile in return. "Nope, not really. But I'm okay. Will be okay. I just didn't want to sit here alone. I tried calling Iz, but Fi said she was sleeping, so I didn't want to bother her. I'll give her a call a bit later." She paused, drawing a deep shaky breath and letting it out slowly. "I was out with Sunshine doing some last minute shopping, she was crying and there were people everywhere. I had stomach pains, and they just got worse. They had been there on and off for a few days, so I made an appointment with my doctor. I didn't want to be fucking sick for Christmas. I got a cancellation appointment about an hour later, so I went right there. In the elevator up there, I got dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out, so I knelt down on the floor. I swear, I thought I lost control of myself and peed and crapped myself, but I was bleeding. I was pregnant, Jimbo. I didn't even know. About three or four weeks." She shook her head. "Wasn't meant to be... again."

James was surprised he didn't fall off the sofa in shock. It was the last thing he expected her to say. "Are- Are you okay? Al? Are you okay?" he repeated in concern. He took her hand, holding it between his as he watched her closely. "Why aren't you in hospital like last time? Does Andrew know? Did you call him, is he coming home? What can I do? Where's Sunshine?" He knew the questions were falling from his lips like some sort of unintentional interrogation, but he wasn't sure what else he could do. She needed to call the shots, he didn't want to do something that might just upset her. All he wanted to do was help, in some way. If possibly even could. Two miscarriages in six months, it seemed barbaric, and he was wondering how she was holding it together so well.

"She's sleeping. She's fine, just exhausted from shopping. I just... I think I'm okay, maybe I won't be at some point, but I am now. I didn't know, so I'm just confused about whether I should be grieving or not. Three weeks pregnant isn't much. My doctor said it's a natural miscarriage, it'll just end itself after a few days of bleeding, feeling like crap. The last time I was... it was too far along. It needed..." She waved her hand, not sure she could say the words. "This will just pass on it's own. I called, but he was unavailable. I left a message, but I-I didn't tell him. I didn't want him getting upset and maybe... drinking, alone, in Chicago. But I realised I wasn't giving him credit and I was just scared, so I called the hotel and left a message asking him to call me when he gets in. I know he has to know. See? I'm sane. I just... I thought I had my period, a few days ago. There was some cravings, maybe a slight bit of nausea, but not enough to make me think. Why would I, you know? I know after everything it probably seems like I should be freaking out and crying and all the other things I've hardly been able to control before, but I'm... okay. I am. Just feel a little flat, and I miss Andrew. I'd just give anything to have him here right now."

James looked at his watch. "Do you want me to try and get a hold of him again? I can pull some strings, get him on a flight this afternoon. He'll be home tonight. You just have to say the word, Al," he told her, watching her closely. He sighed softly and kissed her hand. "When are you going to get a break, huh? I'm so sorry, love. I know how much you want this. How hard you're trying. Why don't I go get Iz? She can come over and we can all eat loads of junk food and watch... Dirty Dancing? Grease? Monty Python? We'll stay until Andrew comes home, we can help you out with Sunshine. And if you want to cry, you can cry, and we'll be here with loads of Kleenex and ice cream."

The reflexive part of Ali's brain was trying to kick in and turn down his offers so she wasn't a bother for him. But the stronger side had her nodding and squeezing his hand gratefully. It was like the old days, they were always there as a threesome when things went wrong, Monty Python marathons more than a tradition when one of them was having a bad day. "I'd really like that," she agreed quietly and leaned forward to kiss his forehead. "And if you can pull some strings to get him home, it would... really mean a lot to me."

James just kissed her cheek back and gave her a long hug, rubbing her back. He was awed that she was crying when his throat felt tight like he wanted to himself. He meant it when he promised her he would make up all the bad times for her, and he would walk to Chicago himself to bring Andrew home if he had to. But that all aside, even though it came on yet another heartache for Ali, for the first time since he walked out on their lives and then returned, right at that moment, he felt more like his old self than he had in a long time. How had he missed for so long that nothing was ever going to feel right without his two best friends beside him?

Word Count | 1,276

musebysentence | 40.9. Thanks but no thanks

2009-12-19T05:32:15Z

LINK: I'm already in a shit mood, telling me my kid would look cute in a Christmas stocking with a Santa hat really is just going to make me want to hurt you.

musebysentence | 40.6. Negotiate

2009-12-17T05:28:18Z

LINK: Despite intense negotiations and a few heated words with his boss, there was no budging, and James had no idea how he was going to tell Harri he had to go undercover just six weeks after their son was born and only a week before Christmas.

RP LOG with agentsullivan & isabelowens | Intervention

2009-12-06T03:48:55Z

[Way back-dated to the day after THIS. Follows THIS and THIS]

The night before for Ali had been sobering. She and Andrew had gone for a drive to a quiet place just beyond the border, though it was evident, despite their earlier joking, that Andrew was quite subdued. They were rugged up in thick coats and got out to sit on a park bench together. At first, they just sat quietly watching the stars of the chilled night with Ali stroking her fingers affectionately through Andrew's hair. But they started talking, and Andrew admitted that since their wedding, he had been really missing his Dad. It just wasn't helping that it was getting close to teh anniversary of his death, and the whole thing was just making Andrew sad. He told Ali is was like a rollercoaster of emotions. On one hand, he was ecstatic about their wedding, and being married, and the prospect of them about to celebrate Jamie's first birthday. All that was the prominent feelings for him, but sometimes, when he just couldn't stop them, the saddness crept up on him and that's when he started feeling the urge to drink. Just like that night. Ali asked him what it felt like, and then told him of her decision to give up alcohol too. Andrew had been touched by her choice, but also tried to talk her out it. He didn't want her to go without just because of him. But Ali had always been characteristically stubborn. She made her choice, and that was it. If she couldn't at least do this for him, what could she do. Inevitably, though, Andrew eventually got upset thinking about his Dad, and they ended the evening with Ali just sitting and holding her husband while he cried quietly. The drive home was quiet when Andrew, drained from the emotions, fell asleep while Ali navigated her way back into New York. It gave her a lot of time to think, and she decided that even if it did hurt James didn't at least call her to tell her about his son's birth, life was just too fucking short... often shorter than anyone could anticipate.

It was that which had Ali finally coming to the hospital to visit James, Harri and their new addition. Andrew joined her with Sunshine, so at least she was going in with a united front in case her anger decided to kick in anyway. It had hurt not to be involved, feeling like it had further clawed open the gap she was already feeling between herself, James, and Izzy. Part of her did blame them for their constant sexual dancing around each other which had finally ended with some resolution. But she knew that couldn't be where the entire blame got laid. There was just a lot of hurt on her part, and she knew she was self-preserving because of it. She didn't trust them like she used to, and she had to get that back if they wanted to nurture that friendship they used to have.

It seemed, though, that she wasn't the only one who thought that. One minute, she was standing in the hall with Andrew, who had been nursing Sunshine, and then the next, he disappeared and returned with Izzy and James. Ali had questioned him, and wondered why James was asking Andrew if he was okay, but all in the blink of an eye, Andrew expertly lured them into a family room on the Maternity Ward, and then with a smirk, exited the room without a word and slammed the door closed behind him, Jamie still nursed securely in his arms.

Ali's new husband, the supposed innocent one, had just locked her in a room with her too semi-estranged best friends. Her hand on the doorknob, she gaped at the back of the door with a small squeak of surprise when she couldn't get the door open. She turned around, her eyes wide. "He's locked us in!" she gasped in shock.

Izzy had been trying to visit James after the last disastrous attempt that had her bumping into Cameron. She had yet to tell Ali, or James about it, but apparently she had her chance now. She had to hand it to Andrew. He had done something that made her as a prankster immensely proud of Ali's new husband. She watched Ali panic, but Iz just moved to take a seat as she made herself comfortable. She was starting to understand why pregnant women weren't exactly happy while they glowed. "It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for. They lull you into a false sense of secruity so you believe they wouldn't hurt a fly, then just go and lock you in a hospital room."

James didn't realise what was going on at first. One minute, Andrew was standing there saying he felt really sick and needed them to help find Ali. Of course, James and Iz jumped into action to help Ali's husband, but were confused to find Ali standing out in the hallway in easy line of sight. Now that they were clearly holed up in a hospital room together, it was like a whirlwind of actions and the penny dropped that they had just well and truly been trumped. "He said he didn't feel well!" he protested, moving over next to Ali to try the door for himself. He banged his hand against the door. "Hey, this is locked! Open up!" he protested.

Ali felt her face heat up as she probably turned red from a mixture of anxiety and irritation. She pressed her lips against the crack in the door, even though she really couldn't be sure they could be heard on the other side. "OI! YOU ARE SO NOT GETTING SEX TONIGHT, CONNOR!" she growled, trying to see through the crack with no luck. She spun around, slumping against the door with a frown. This could potentially be awkward. "Is there such a thing as temporary divorce?"

"Sure, it's called separation. The thing you do before you get a divorce to see if you want to be divorced." Iz was still looking at both of her friends now with amusement. She was the only one not fussed about being locked in, and she strongly suspected it was because she just wanted to sit down and not stand anymore. Standing was overrated. "Something tells me he's not opening that door until the three of us pull our fucking fingers out and remember we're all BFFs."

James let his hand drop from the door knob and looked at Izzy in confusion. "I don't get it. He knows we're friends. What's he locking us in here for? If this is about the Campbell thing, I'm sorry! We just wanted you to have an awesome honeymoon because you needed the time together and we didn't expect him to come when he did, he wasn't due for another two weeks! It was really quick, too, and probably around the time you guys would have been having awesome consummating married sex. Did you really want that interrupted? Married sex! It's supposed to be fucking brilliant!" he protested, waving his hand helplessly and backing away just a little in case Ali decided to turf one of the plastic chairs at him.

Maybe not quite a chair, but Ali did grab him by the front of the shirt and pressed him roughly up against the door. "By my fucking married arse, Jimbo!" she growled and gave him a sharp forehead slap. "That's for thinking like and idiot! What, are you fucked in the head? How could you think that? You get one shot at a first born and you promised me you wouldn't keep anymore secrets, you gigantic lying piece of toe fungus!"

Izzy's eyebrows went up as she witnessed the forehead slap. "James, James, James... Have I taught you nothing over the years? No distance is enough for a chick intent on a slap. And for the record, thanks for letting Fi be the one to tell me about the birth. Ali doesn't believe me, but it's true, isn't it? And since we're on the topic of not keeping secrets, thanks for warning me Cameron was in the hospital when I was coming to visit."

James tried to struggle out of Ali's grip, but she was bloody strong when she wanted to be. "What the fuck?!" he finally snapped, staring at Izzy like she had gone mental. "I left you four friggen voicemail messages on your phone before Harri even got through the first part of the labour! I only left a message on Fiona's voicemail when you wouldn't fucking answer! And how am I suppose to fucking warn you of something when you're avoiding me like the plague and I haven't seen you?! You know what? This is fucked! Neither of you are ever going to trust me again, so maybe we all should just fucking go our separate ways!" He finally dislodged himself from Ali's hands and stepped away from them, looking at them like they had both literally slapped him in the face simultaneously. This sucked. He was supposed to be goddamn happy.

Ali lost her strength when James started to protest back, taking her off guard and giving him the ability to break free. When he made the comment about the trust, she faltered, even if she was still frowning. She could think of about five hundred things she wanted to yell at them both, but every time something came to the tip of her tongue, she just felt like crying instead. "You both suck!" was all she could manage, her voice wavering as she tucked her arms protectively around her and fought the urge to pace.

"I'm sorry," Iz said to James, her hands up in the air in surrender. She aimed it at Ali as well, her shoulders slumping in defeat. "I don't even know how things got so fucked up. Besides... fucking. And you can't divorce friends! We're meant to be the ones that last forever. Marriages are supposed to come and go, but friends are meant to last. And I'm not avoiding anyone! Much. I don't want to go our serparate ways. I miss you both. I miss us. The three of us us."

"Marriage leads to getting incarcerated in a bloody hospital room!" James threw back, his eyes landing on Ali in exasperation. "You said he was innocent! This isn't innocent. It's unlawful kidnapping! If we kill each other, he could be liable, you know." He growled softly and started to pace, unable to fight the urge like Ali was doing. "How are we ever going to go back to how we were? You both can't trust me enough to piss on me if I was on fire, Ali wants to dangle my balls from the ceiling in a bloody mess. I'm tired of trying to get everything right only to continuously fuck everything up all over again. I don't know what to do to make things better anymore. I can't believe either of you would think I would choose not to want you here for my son's birth. I wanted you both here. I tried calling you, Iz, but I just assumed you didn't come because of Harri, and Al... you were so happy at the wedding with Andrew. Bursting happy. I haven't seen you like that since your early Mark days. You needed a break. I made a stupid decision because I wanted to help you, not hurt you. And Iz, I... I just... I stopped trying to call you when you didn't call me back. I didn't even think you might not have got the messages, and I'm sorry. If you had, you might have slapped some sense into me and told me to call Ali anyway and all this fucked up shit wouldn't have happened, you would have been some of the first people to meet him, like it should have been. Just like we should have been some of the first people to meet Jamie."

This was the first time Ali had actually heard James acknowledge his regret over missing Jamie's birth. She was going to start crying, of course she was. She had been like a bad pelvic floor muscle leaking all over the place since she had been pregnant with Jamie. A small sob escaped before she could catch it and she just nodded in agreement. She wasn't going to point fingers again, lay the guilt trip on for them leaving her alone. All she wanted was acknowledgement of what they missed. That was all.

Iz got up off the sofa, and made her way over to Ali. Sometimes there were things that were worth standing for, even when you wanted to chop your feet off at the ankles. Izzy put her arms around her friend as best she could and kissed the top of Ali's head as tears of her own started to well up in her eyes. "You know I would have been there as your yelling board if I hadn't been so fucked in the head. But you're right... about everything. About why things got fucked up, and I'm sorry." Isabel glanced over at James. "You know I wouldn't have missed Campbell's birth for anything. Or at least you should have known that. No amount of potential ex awkwardness would have stopped me. I honestly didn't get any of your messages. Guess my voicemail has it in for me and you, too."

"I didn't know," James told her quietly, looking at her sadly and regretfully. "I don't know a whole lot with either of you lately, and I wish I did. I just thought it got too far, there was no turning back. Jesus, Al, all I seem to be able to do do lately is hurt you or not be there when you need me. And then Jamie started to pull away from me, and that really hurt. It stunned me how much it hurt because I realised what a fuckhead I've been, and it was even worse because I was trying to make things better and it was just all compounding all around me again. I just wanted to get things right for once. Just once. I thought going back to Iz would be that, but it was just... something wasn't missing. It wasn't. Just, other things were added. Cameron and Harri. Campbell, and whoever is in there," he said, gesturing to Izzy's stomach. "Sunshine, and then Ali turns around and becomes a wife before any of us really have a chance to stop and realise that maybe we all did fucking finally grow up and stop running away."

Ali wanted to protest that she hadn't run anywhere, but it wasn't true. He was right. He was so painfully right that it cause more tears to spill over her cheeks and probably mean Iz would be left with a snot trail on her jacket. She might not have physically run anywhere, but she had been running from herself ever since the break up with Mark. She was forced to stop when she became a mother, it just took a year for the rest of her to catch up with herself. The terrified part that was scared to change. "I'm just kinda glad the door is locked so neither of you can bugger off on me right now," she said tearfully, trying to wipe the wetness from her cheeks. "Because ever since you both got back, I just keep waiting for you to go again, and I don't know how to stop that," she said with another sob, feeling guilty about the admission.

"I..." Iz started, swallowing down a lump in her throat. The conversation with Cameron was replaying through her mind, and she sighed. In the interest of not keeping secrets there was something she had to tell Ali and James. "It's not running if it's a move for a different reason, right? Not an escape, but going to something. Cameron's... he's going home after Christmas. England home," she clarified. "And I said I'd follow him if that was what he wanted. Because he was right. I never once offered to go to him, or follow him anywhere. It was all about me, and me yanking his chain, and he doesn't even feel anything towards the babies because I yanked it all away. I grew up the same moment my ass went crashing to Earth and left me with fucking gravel rash. And the whole thing with James--with you--" Iz held James' gaze as she stroked her fingers through Ali's hair, "you're still my rock. You're still my constant when everything else is fucking up around me, and maybe that's a mistake. Harri and Campbell are your rocks now. And me and Ali will always be... something rocklike but not rocks. I need to find my rock again. I got lost when everything suddenly changed around me, and I didn't recognise anything. I'm sorry to both of you. So much."

By the time she was finished talking, James was just staring at her, an odd sick feeling settling deep in his gut. It seemed that they really were never going to have a chance to get back on track. She wanted to move away to England. At least, that's what it sounded like. She didn't actually indicate anywhere there that she had reunited with Cameron. Pat or Aiden hadn't said anything along those lines either and James realised that he really didn't want her to go. Trying to live without her and Ali had been a big portion of what screwed with his head. But he found himself nodding, even if he was swallowing heavily. He felt close to tears himself now, and when he spoke, his voice was hoarse and choke. "Sure," he agreed softly with a nod. "You gotta do what you gotta do."

Ali was nodding, even if her face had crumbled more and more tears spilled over like a waterfall now. Hearing that Izzy wanted to move away was a shock, and she had to sit down herself, taking the chair closest to her. She knew she was just jetlagged and hormonal, but it wasn't easy. None of this was. It was well overdue and they all knew it, and Ali found herself drawing on the comfort that her husband and daughter were somewhere on the other side of the door waiting for her to try and make peace with her friends, because said husband had picked up on how much it meant to Ali without her having to say much about it. He was more than her rock, he was her bloody whole meteor. It just didn't make it less aching to hear Iz might just not be a big part of her life anymore. She dug around in her handbag for tissues, but all she could find was one of Jamie's bibs, which she used as a makeshift hanky. She hated the times when the tears felt like they would never let up. "Fuck, at least I know I'm not pregnant."

Iz stood for a moment in the same spot she'd been comforting Ali, just looking at James. She was trying to read past the nod because she didn't think he did agree. He just wasn't going to say otherwise. And she actually hadn't said she would move. She doubted Cameron wanted her following him now. She was just a reminder of how much he'd been screwed over. Between the knee, the pregnancy, and Izzy abandoning him, she really couldn't blame him if he had just told her outright to fuck off. But he didn't. Iz continued to look at James, and ran her tongue along her lips in thought. "I didn't say I'd be going. I just said... Cam was just right. As are you, and Ali. None of us are quite making the right moves. Except Ali when she got married, and you when you went back to Harri. They were the right moves. I'm still figuring mine out. Maybe all he needed to know was that me following him was a possibility. Sometimes it's just a verbal give and take that's enough." Isabel was moving over to Ali again, offering some tissues of her own from inside her handbag. "I'm sorry it's not working out yet, Al."

James moved one of the other chairs over up close beside Ali. He wasn't sure if he should touch her at first, but he slipped his arm around her and kissed her head. Ali hadn't mentioned anything to him about how her baby-making attempts were going, but Iz's comment was enough to alert him. He looked up at Izzy helplessly, even though he knew this really wasn't something either of them could help Ali with. It was just one of those things you would give your right nut to help, though. It really was time for him to start realising that Ali still needed a lot of support. She was still floundering in shit alone. She needed her best friends. Izzy probably did too, but again, James wasn't sure how he could help her if she moved away to England. How they could be a threesome BFF unit again. She was the turning point for him, the reason he put himself in a coma to come back as James. Sure, he did it for Harri and Campbell, but he could have continued undercover and still been there for them. He came back this old life for Ali and Izzy. He just never expected it to be this hard. He only realised he was still looking up at Izzy in bewildered confusion over her choice, still not offering anything as to his thoughts. He just cleared his throat and averted his eyes from her. He couldn't be any bearing on her decisions anymore. He would get another partner, and he would continue trying to make things up to Ali, while Izzy tried to find what she needed in England.

"There's nothing to be sorry about, it's fine," Ali said, taking the tissues to wipe her eyes and nose. "It's just on the sidelines, no bother." They had to at least get through December first. She wasn't sure how well Andrew was going to cope with his recent falling off the booze wagon. She didn't think it was going to be easy. At least they had Jamie's first birthday to look forward to. And if Izzy decided to go away, then email would just have to work. Or Ali would need to learn how to lean on other people.

Izzy still had the feeling her two friends had her bags packed, and she wasn't even going anywhere. It had been an idea. It just seemed like no matter what move she made she'd be leaving someone behind. Of course, it really was all premature. There was no way Cameron was taking her back anytime soon. She just hoped the fact he had the ultrasound photo now would give him something to start to bond to the kids with. He would be a good father if he just let himself. Even if Isabel just had to accept the fact he'd be in her life for them, and no other reason. She'd take them to England to see them if that was where he wanted to stay. She'd just learn to deal. And hopefully it would be better than her usual attempts. "Well, we're here if you want to talk. Both of us. And if you want to do the distraction thing, we can do that, too. I have a billion balloons for Jamie's party."

Ali was digging around in her handbag looking for her cell phone. She wasn't going to yell at Andrew. Or maybe just not yell loudly. But the little pocket she usually kept the phone in was empty and a string of colourful expletives fell from her lips as she sniffled back more tears. "Bloody fucking Australian piece of shit wanker tossers," she cursed, shooting James a default glare. Andrew had taken her phone, too! He knew she would probably try to call him to tell him off for his stunt. "What is it with me and Australians?" she complained. It wasn't fair, either, because a year and a half quitting, she really wanted a friggen smoke. "I need a fucking smoke!" she had to declare in frustration and kicked the bottom of a nearby chair for emphasis.

James pressed his lips together. "Don't look at me. The building is non-smoking. I haven't got any with me. I probably need to try and quit anyway, for the kid," he realised, even if he knew he was going to fail miserably. Smoking was stress relief. "I need a fuck, that's what I need. If he doesn't let us out of here soon, I'm getting myself off. Just a warning." He glanced up at Izzy and then exhaled heavily. It didn't take a genius to know there was no way either of them would probably be as close friends as they were trying to be again if she went to England. But life was full of shit choices. James knew that better than anyone, because he kept making the wrong ones.

Izzy smirked as she met James' gaze. She didn't want to dwell on the negatives anymore. "Don't look at me, Fraser. I gave up sex when I stopped fucking you. You're just going to have to turn around and jerk off into the corner. Not sure Harri would be too impressed otherwise." She then bit her lip as she looked sheepishly at Ali, and reached into her purse to fish out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. "I haven't been smoking!" she exclaimed hastily. "I just... carry them."

Ali took the cigarettes with a groan. "You weren't supposed to give them to me!" She squished them between her hands and scrunched her nose up. "No, I have to be strong. I do. Andrew isn't going to want to kiss an ashtray." It was tempting to just light up, though. Once a nicotine addict, always a nicotine addict. But if they set the fire alarms off, they would probably be stuck in here even longer and she was pretty sure she could easily tap into a latent claustrophobia if she tried hard enough. "If his arse wasn't so fucking hot, I would be kicking it by now. He's on my naughty list. You all are, just saying."

James scratched his forehead with his thumb. "Yeah, don't I have a permanent spot on the top of that list already? Written in blood, probably?" he said wryly. The smokes were tempting him, too. Now he wanted a fuck and a smoke. And maybe a pee. "I need a pee," he felt the need to share with them. "Maybe a crap, too. Just saying," he added with a smirk.

"I need a pee, a fuck, a smoke, a crap, and a cry. Just saying," Izzy replied with a grin. "Maybe chocolate. And hugs. I can deal with the naughty list so long as it means we're still friends." She pressed a kiss to Ali's temple and rest her head against her friend's. "You're going to get angry make-up sex. If this even counts as a fight. Just think about that, Al. I'm never going to get sex again, and James has to still wait five weeks."

Ali tilted her head in thought. "Hm. He really does give a good pounding when spurred on enough. I'm still angry at him, though, and it's not fucking fair. You both made me want to pee and crap too. The power of suggestion. Anyone says a threesome and I might actually be up for it," she joked. "And I am such a bitch, but I am so fucking proud of myself right now that I'm getting lots of awesome sex and you both are getting none. Ha. This is payback for last year when you were bollocking each other at every turn and I was vomiting with hemorrhoids and flatulence. And payback for when I had a miscarriage and couldn't get fucked while you were fucking each other again. You can whine all you want, but I've got no sympathy for either of you. Come back and bitch to me when you've had a four year drought. Welcome to my world. I think I might fuck my husband in the hot tub, tonight. Multiple orgasms, lots of tongue action."

James groaned. "You're an evil bitch," he agreed with a nod. "It's worse knowing we deserve it, too. Is it really six weeks you can't have sex after you have a kid?" he moaned, rubbing his hands over his face.

"Hm," Ali agreed non-committally. "Unless you like anal." She merely smirked when James' mouth dropped open and he fell silent.

"Does Harri like anal would be more to the point," Izzy felt the need to insert considering she was the one still pregnant in the room. And right now she didn't like the idea of anal given just how much flatulence she was suffering from. And the hemmoroids. As if her body felt need to remind others of the fact, a loud fart escape and she held her hand up in apology. "Personally I'm okay with a drought. I don't need sex fucking with my head again. I'll just stick with a vibrator. Less trouble. Hey, maybe Harri can stick a big rubber dildo up your ass, James. Since we all know you like anal. Although if Al did want to fool around a little bit I wouldn't say no. Maybe girls are safer. Less cock trouble. Think Andy would like to watch?"

"Yet, you're the one bitching about not getting any," James threw back with a small frown. "And that was a fucking low blow, Iz. Thank you for bringing that up. Appreciate it."

Ali rubbed at her head. "I meant Harri." She could already feel comments building in her ready to jump to Andrew's defense. "I asked for it. I asked him to do it. I wanted to have sex with him. I was falling in love with him and I didn't want to wait any longer. I'm not apologising for it. It had been a long fucking time since someone loved me enough to have sex with me no matter how shit I looked or felt."

"Sorry, I didn't mean it as a low blow," Iz mumbled. And she hadn't. It was perhaps just a comment that had come out blunter than she'd intended. "Was just trying to help. And I wasn't bitching! Just stating a fact. I'll shut up now, okay?" She looked at Ali. "You don't need to explain. I think it's nice that you two had a way. Maybe James and Harri should have a way, too. How long until you take her and Campbell home?"

It wasn't that James forgot he was bisexual. It wasn't something anyone forgot. He had just never thought about it in a physical sense since David was killed. He hadn't slept with a guy since then, and he couldn't help it if it hit like a low blow. Maybe it always would. His mind did turn to his son briefly. He couldn't help but wonder if Campbell would be straight, gay, or bisexual like James. With James and Harri like they were, and Campbell's godfathers being gay, it could really swing either way. Then with that train of thought came an unbelievably strong urge to protect his son from everything and he was so lost in his thoughts, he hadn't realised he had fallen silent.

"He's thinking about Campbell," Ali guessed quietly with a small, fond smile. She gave James a small poke to drag him out of his daydream. "This is my whole point. Sex, fucking, everything. Plays second when you have a kid. It just does. Runny noses, and baby spew, and pee, and filled nappies, and fevers, and crying, and fear and worry... all takes over. No matter how scared shitless you are, there just seems to be something inside that makes you know what you need to do."

"You're both going to be there, right?" Iz felt the need to ask. "Because I'm seriously fucking scared shitless. And you two... you're great. Al's the best mom anyone could hope for, and I know you're just going to love that boy like he's the whole world, James. You won't break him. You're going to love him too much for that to happen. I just... I have two of them! I can't even keep a fucking plant alive."

Ali fell silent. She pulled her lips in between her teeth, unable to speak at first. She hugged herself, then unfolded again and shifted in her chair. She couldn't help that part of her wanted to say no, to punish Izzy for running away and leaving her alone in exactly the same scenario she was pleading she was terrified of now. She was soon hugging herself again and her leg was bouncing a little as she looked down at her feet. She stayed quiet, really wishing Andrew would just open the door again. It might have been a year ago, but she still remembered how horrible it felt to give birth without anyone she loved there to hold on to.

"Is it really a good idea for me to be there?" James had to ask quietly. He had been watching Ali squirm, waiting for her to say something, but nothing came. "I mean, I can be there, but maybe not in the thick of things. Not if you want there to be some sort of open avenue with Cameron. The dude hates me. I had to make myself scarce while Pat introduced Campbell to his brother. I don't know if that's ever going to change. I hurt him just as much as you did. He's not going to appreciate me being there when his kids are born." As the words came out of his mouth, he realised just how much he hated there being a huge rift like that in his family now his son was here. It didn't seem fair. Maybe he needed to try and talk to Cameron? His brow furrowed in thought.

Iz nodded in agreement with James, but her eyes were on Ali. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I am so fucking sorry. I would give you a pound of my flesh if it would make you believe me. I can't take it back, Al. I can't change anything other than being here now. And I know I've fucked that up, too, but I'm... I'm trying." Iz reached out to tuck Ali's hair behind her ear. "I won't go to England. I won't go anywhere. You'll get so sick of me you'll start to tell me to fuck off. You don't have to be there. I mean, I wasn't there for you. I wasn't your yelling person, and I should have been."

Ali welled up again and shook her head, more cursing falling from her lips. It wasn't fair all this had to happen the day she got her period because she hated hormones. She had a feeling she was probably going to spend all of December in a snotty teary mess. "I'll be there, but only because it's horrible to face it on your own. You can't even... you just..." She stopped, huffing out a heavy breath to regain her composure. "It doesn't matter anyway, because if it ever happens again, Andrew will be there with me. I'm not rubbing anything in here, but you guys really need to take a leaf out of his book. You need to stop and realise that sometimes people just need to be taken care of, above what you want yourself. Harri and Cameron, for example. You're never gonna be on the same pages with them if you keep thinking of yourselves as a single unit. When it's the real deal, you've gotta become part of each other, alright? Even if you suck at it sometimes. Izzy, I know you're all scared of how Cameron is going to react when you confront him and all that shit, but go back to him. Drive to Princeton and find him and tell him you want to help him. Don't be a bloody wuss, because he needs you, you don't just need him. And James, get your fucking finger out of your hole and realise this little boy is your fresh start. David's dead. Things with Izzy have ended. Harri and Campbell. We aren't going to be able to fall easily back to being your friend if you keep half your brain and your cock in the past."

Izzy hugged Ali tightly and gave her another kiss. She turned to look at James, not even sure she could say anything more after Ali. Now days if she opened his mouth to him she just wound up hurting him, and that hurt her because he really was a huge part of her soul still. She left Ali for the moment and moved to give James a hug. Or as good as she could give with the baby bump in the way.

James hugged her back and then reached to tug Ali up into the hug too. This was better than killing each other. Ali was right. James did need to get his finger out of his hole. Maybe he needed therapy or something. Time to offload everything piled up in his head so he could move on from it. Campbell really was a fresh start, and even though James was terrified at how much committment the baby boy had created, it wasn't a horrified fear. He was excited and hopeful he could manage to pull it off. He just knew now that he needed Izzy and Ali to pull it off. He had always needed them. It was when he took himself away from them that his world fell apart. Now matter how much they had hurt each other, it was time to realise where the priorities were lying now.

Word Count | 6,368

Announcing...

2009-11-29T06:23:29Z

I have subsequently been advised that my son's first public photo was always going to be a glamour shot. I wasn't technically sure what that really means, but I'll work with anything. This, however, is proof that he doesn't always scream. I'm still going with my theory that he's just drawing out the protest of the fact he decided to make his entrance right when sex was on the menu. Kids aren't supposed to like their parents shagging. He gets his wish, too, because there won't be any shagging for at least six weeks.

Damnit.

But anyway. This is our gorgeous boy. Campbell Aiden Fraser-Ryan. Yes, his name does sound like a law firm, but it works. He's ours. And once Harri and I figure out this parent thing, we're going to rock at it. ~~Hear that, it was optimism and I didn't mention shitting myself once.~~ No doubt he'll get us back when he's older for the token butt shot.

But seriously... I think finally, finally did something right.

musebysentence | 35.18. Restless

2009-11-29T04:04:27Z

LINK: When the euphoria of becoming a father started to die down and the dust was settling, James realised just how fucking much he'd had his head up his arse and really missed his best friends.

RP LOG | With straight2point [01 November 2009]

2009-11-16T19:42:51Z

[Backdated to 1st November 2009 | Follows THIS]

Beyond this day, if anyone asked James about the labour leading up to the birth of his son, he probably wouldn't be able to tell them anything. He was in such shock about it all coming the night of Ali's wedding that after the fact, it was going to be a haze in his head. Not to mention how weird the whole situation was. He was suddenly thrust in a room with a heavily pregnant and in labour Harri after months of them being separated, and Aiden, who spent the whole first two hours glued to Harri's side glaring at James over the top of her head. Oddly enough, out of everyone in the room, Aiden was the calmest. He knew all the breathing exercises from Harri's lamaze classes, and seemed to be the epitome of the perfect husband. Only, the person in the bed was the wrong spouse and the actual spouse would never be spread-eagled on a birthing suite bed, no matter how good Aiden's sperm was.

And the fact irked James increasingly as the time ticked over. At first, he tried to be cooperative and just pretend that Aiden being the perfect birthing partner wasn't bothering him. But it was inevitable Harri was going to cling to Aiden if he was the calm one, and James ended up throwing a pretty interesting tantrum when he got so frustrated at being, what he thought, was nudged further out of the picture. But it was paranoia at it's best. He was just sensitive over the whole thing, and when Aiden snippily asked if he was going to fuck off and leave Harri stranded again, James just lost it. It was probably at about this point that Harri was wishing to fuck she didn't invite anyone with a dick or an ego into the birth. She outscreamed them both, and was soon demanding they both kiss and make up.

Literally.

James would only realise later it was Harri's devious attempt for some half-time entertainment because the pain was excruiciating and she deserved some sort of positive to come of it. He had to wonder how long Harri had harboured interesting fantasies about him and Aiden snogging (or probably more, knowing Harri), and to be honest, if James wasn't with Harri and Aiden wasn't married and hating his guts, James probably would have been attracted to Aiden in the past. Both men started to protest again, but very briefly when they realised Harri was freshly manicured and in reaching distance of both their dicks. Leaning over the bed while Harri huffed her way through the end of a contraction, James and Aiden locked lips in a brief kiss that neither of them would probably ever be allowed to forget.

There wasn't even much time for reaction after that. Both promiment males in Harri's life were uncharacteristically subdued after that, but it was short lived. Harri's contractions were coming fast and hard, and when the doctor told her it was time to push, James immediately started to argue with her that it was too soon, and Harri, the pain giving her a strange burst of strength, nearly tackled him to the floor with one arm and told him she was fucking pushing whether he liked it or not, and he had to get the kid out of her in the next ten minutes, or she would nail his cock to the wall as a feature item.

James' brain really snapped then, and if felt like one minute he was almost ready to unzip and chop his own cock off for her, and then next there was put-out wailing in the room and Harri had a bloody, squirming ball of flesh placed on her chest wrapped in a blue receiving blanket. James was frozen, and he only snapped out of the shock when Aiden stepped up behind him and nudged him closer to the bed. It was a telling moment between the two men.

Harri was trying to cling desperately to the image of James and Aiden kissing, one fantasy coming true no matter how uncomfortable they'd looked, but as the bloody, squirming ball of flesh wriggling her arms she was having trouble hanging onto much of anything in her head. She couldn't begin to tell how much it meant to have both Aiden and James here when she needed them most. Even if she was still tempted to slice off their balls for being dicks to start with. Aiden might have been active as a birthing partner, but James was the father, and he was still the man she loved. She hadn't needed them getting pouty when she was the one going through agony to push out the bundle now nestled against her chest.

"Fuck..." she said breathlessly, her tired eyes taking in every detail. She looked at James, tears of relief spilling over. "Look at what we made..."

James' knees knocked against the side of the bed, but he was pretty sure all his senses had just completely short-circuited. He felt slightly woozy, too, like it was a dream sequence. He'd had a lot of those lately, but they weren't really the happy outcome this was. They were nightmares of it all going wrong, or even one particularly disturbing and recurring nightmare that he got locked outside when Harri was giving birth and no one inside could hear him screaming out to them. No wonder he hadn't gotten much sleep lately. This was probably the part where he needed his big brother to boot him up the arse and tell him to get his head out of it. It had all happened so quickly, that James hadn't had time to brace himself. It felt like one minute Harri's waters were breaking right before they were about to have sex, and the next this. "Can I just..." he choked out and then folded back the baby blanket to check the baby had a penis. A rush of relieved air escaped him and he laughed, pointing. "It's a boy," he told everyone, as if they hadn't already figured it out. Thank god no one was filming this. He wanted no reminder of just how much the blond came out in him when he was in shock.

Harri was trying to watch their son, and James at the same time. If James was about to kiss floor she wanted to know. He looked as shocked as she felt, and she was the one that had given birth. She couldn't believe it was over. She had been ready for it to be the longest night, their son changing his mind and deciding to take his time instead of coming early. But Campbell was apparently in a rush to meet the world outside, and Harri just hoped he would be okay. She ducked her head to kiss his forehead. "It's our boy. Campbell Aiden... and then however we're doing the surname." She managed to keep a hold of the baby with one arm so she could take James' hand and kiss his palm. "Thank you."

James knew there was probably a textbook way he had to react to this, and be a good new Dad. Maybe he should have spoken to Lachlan about it? Taken some notes, been prepared? It was all out the window, though. He was oblivious to any of the medical staff still pooling around in the room. When Harri touched him, it was like flicking a switch in his brain and rather than something intelligent coming out of his mouth right away, it was a small sob as he finally dared to actually touch the baby that she was holding. He had to make sure he was real. He touched the baby's forehead, and then his nose. Even though he was a bit icky and slimy, it wasn't hard to see the head of blond hair. He didn't look big enough to hurt that much coming out, but James clamped his mouth together for a moment to stop that accidentally escaping because it would definitely end in bloodshed. This was the moment it had to all be alright. All the shit, this just made it worth it. "H-He's perfect," he whispered, and cleared his throat. "I dunno how the fuck he is, but he is. But he got those lungs off you," he added hastily, shooting Harri an amused look.

"Too bad they didn't get a chance at a work out," she teased back. Harri didn't want to let Campbell go, but she gazed up at James, a smile still tugging at the corners of his mouth. If there was one thing in her life she wanted to get right, it was this. he didn't regret anything of the night before, even the sex she might have had with James. Now they'd have to wait longer while her body healed, but it would be worth it. And it would let them come to terms with their relationship and their son without sex as a distraction. "Maybe he just needs his Daddy holding him. If he's anything like me, he'll shut up for you. Well, most times. Take him, love."

James' eyes searched over her face. What if the kid hated him? Jamie he could get these days, even if she sensed when he was in a bad mood and didn't want a bar of him. But if this baby thought he sucked, it was really going to be crap. But if he didn't try, how was he going to know. He looked at the nurses, wondering if they were all standing there waiting for him to fuck up, but they were just sort of keeping a discreet eye on the baby more than anything. For medical reasons, not crap father reasons. He hadn't held one this small before, either, and he balked a little at that, finding himself, bizarrely, looking around for Aiden's assistance as if Harri's BFF would know exactly what to do. But Aiden was gone and James had no back-up of the penis variety. Except for his son, who really did have a healthy looking penis, if James did say so himself. There were a couple more moments of hesitation before he took the baby into his arms, holding him awkwardly at first before shifting him into a more secure spot in his arms. James knew there was no point in trying to stop it. He just started crying, despite supposedly trying to stop the baby doing just that. "Hey... no..." he said through his tears, trying to tuck the blanket around the baby's stomach. "I'm not going to leave you. Ever. Okay? You're stuck with me and I'm going to be such a pain in the arse Dad that you'll be hiding behind lamp posts and pretending I'm a crazy stalker to your mates. And you know what? If I ever fuck this up, you have my permission to spike my coffee with laxatives every single time. You, me, and Mum. That's how it's going to be."

Harri smiled sleepily as she let her head fall back against the pillow, the exhaustion starting to creep in. Didn't matter that the birth hadn't gone on for endless hours, it had still taken its toll. Her hand rest on James' leg, the closest she could get to a hug given the circumstances. She just needed some kind of contact with him. To reassure herself that he was there, and it was all real. Despite holding their son in her arms her brain was still struggling to comprehend that it had happened. Now she had three important men in her life, and she didn't want to change a single thing. She could think of worse penises to be surrounded by. "Mm... I think I'd like that, too. My two beautiful boys..."

Word Count | 1,973

musesandlyrics | 4.7. Tupac quote

2009-11-15T01:14:35Z

4.7. "You can spent minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months overanalyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."
- Tupac

Co-written with straight2point | Back-dated to Halloween night
[Follows THIS]

James hadn't been able to stop himself pausing in a few moments of deep thought after all the guests waved Ali and Andrew off in the limo from their wedding reception to set off on their honeymoon. Everything from a gigantic box of Condoms to Austin Powers stood on the Soho sidewalk to wave goodbye to the newlyweds who couldn't stop beaming or keep their hands off each other. James couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be in that position, but he wasn't sure if it would ever happen. He had his opportunity with marriage, and failed miserably. Ali and Andrew would spend the night at The Plaza before heading to the airport for the flight to Australia the next day. The beaming stopped, of course, when the couple had to say goodbye to Jamie. Ali was bawling, Andrew wasn't too far off either, and Jamie seemed to realise something wasn't right and started wailing too. For a moment, James really thought Ali was going to change her mind and take the baby girl with them. She wasn't letting go and it was probably one of the hardest things Ali had to face in her life. But they did eventually make it into the limo babyless and Jamie was quickly scooped up by her grandparents with James and Izzy not too far away. It took a long time for the tears to stop, and James was stunned at how much it broke his heart witnessing his goddaughter upset like that. She calmed down, though, and was smiling again a little while later. The whole thing was always going to makes James stop and inevitably think about his own impending fatherhood.

He had met Izzy's eyes amongst the crowd for all of thirty seconds, and they shared something silently that he would probably only later analyse. Understanding, maybe. Or that final realisation that watching Ali seal the deal as a married woman to start a life with her new family meant that it really was the same moment James and Izzy found their closure with each other. That they wanted what Ali had... just not with each other anymore. James didn't let himself hesitate in seeking Harri out in the crowd. She was with Aiden and Pat again, with Pat standing beside her rubbing her back softly as they chatted and laughed together. Harri with the godfathers of their son. It was an odd sight for James to absorb at first, but one he knew he no longer wanted to be a external factor of anymore. James didn't know what else he was supposed to do, and Aiden being there made him want to balk slightly. But he didn't. He just walked up to Harri and without saying a word, kissed her, his hand cupping the back of her head so she didn't fall backwards in shock. Maybe it was the whole wedding atmosphere everyone was caught up in, but who gave a fuck? Maybe giving a fuck too much was James' whole problem.

And now they somehow found themselves back at Harri's apartment. Alone. The next move on both their parts was probably going to map out a whole lot of the route for what was to come in the near future. It was make or break, and James' structured, analytical mind finally made him pause to absorb the situation and he let out a slow breath. Was it a fresh start, or were they about to make another huge mistake?

Harri had yet to really say anything, not since their talk at the bar. The kiss had taken her by surprise, but she had been in no danger of falling backwards. Not when she'd kissed him back so willingly. Kissing James had been like... finding herself again. She hadn't realised just how much the FBI agent had wheedled his way into her life and heart until he had been gone, and she'd been forced to remember how to be without him. Truth was she didn't much like being the hardened bitch. Not always. It was a lonely existence, even while she was carrying their son.

Their son had been something to help mend the hole, though. The idea that soon she was going to be a mother. Plus she wouldn't have been able to do any of it without Aiden, or Pat. And now they were back in New York. It still wasn't the apartment they'd bought in Ali's building. That was home, but it didn't seem like either of them were ready to go back there without first working out what they were doing.

They stood in Harri's kitchen, Harri leaning against the counter as she rubbed her pregnant belly. She was still wearing the sheet, deciding the toga look was back. It was comfortable, didn't require effort, and more importantly - didn't require a bra. It was definitely the way to go for a pregnant woman. She might even make someone on the magazine write a feature about it. She looked at James, watching him. "I know I have a huge belly now, but that doesn't mean you have to stand all the way over there. I don't have pregnant cooties, love," she teased softly as she started to smile.

James' tongue rested between his lips. Was he actually nervous about coming on to her? Touching her? It wasn't anything to do with the fact she was pregnant, either, because if he was honest, it was a real turn on for him. He liked her body like that, the little extra weight she was carrying around her face made her look healthy and glowy. He had loved touching her stomach as it grew, feeling the shape of it under his hands. It had been different with Izzy. He had been hesitant with her, like her stomach was a no-go zone, and maybe it was because he knew it was someone else's kids in there. He always felt like he was treading in uncharted waters when he had sex with Izzy these last few weeks. When he and Harri had still been together, the sex had been hot. He couldn't get enough of her. Those feelings were fuelling in his gut now, but he was still nervous.

But he stepped forward, not directly in front of her, but off to her side just a little. He touched her cheek first, and then his hand dropped to her shoulder where he unknotted the sheet with ease and let it fall to the floor, leaving her in just her knickers. They were purple, and a little like the ones Bridget Jones wore, the comfortable ones. The ones James had never seen her in before now, and the ones the sight of which shot directly to his groin. Harri not-quite-pristine was exactly how he loved her. He loved her pristine too, of course, but there was something about her when she let it all hang loose that drove him nuts. He exhaled slowly and he splayed his hand softly over her stomach and then leaned forward, pressing his lips gently to it, just above her bellybutton.

Harri exhaled roughly, her hand going to the back of his head as she ran her fingers through his long blond hair. He needed it cut, but an unkempt James was like Christmas. He'd been so different as Marc, that Harri was starting to realise more and more the differences. She loved James more, no doubt about it. He still had his punk outfit on, but the wig was gone. She watched him with the smile still on her face, her blue eyes darkening. This wasn't like with Cameron. That one, bad, mistake. Cameron hadn't enjoyed touching her stomach. It wasn't his kid, and not only that, it was the kid of the guy fucking his ex.

It was James' son she was carrying. He had every right to touch her belly, and had done when they'd been together. She could feel tears prick the backs of her eyes but she ignored them. She wanted to tell him he shouldn't have left her and the baby, but she knew what he'd say. If his behaviour was any indication she was going to assume any doubts were well and truly gone. That he was hers again. She found it amusing that he was the one keeping quiet, but two could play that game. Her hand moved from his hair and down his back before disappearing up the back of his shirt so she could touch his warm skin.

James wasn't really specifically sure how a woman felt in the late stages of pregnancy, but according to Ali, it was pretty shit. In fact, she had cornered him as it came close to her leaving for her honeymoon and told him to not go near Harri's breasts unless she invited it, and even then to be gentle. This close to the pregnancy, milk would be coming in, apparently. James wasn't at all surprised that Ali had observed the looks James had been giving Harri and automatically deduced what he was thinking. She didn't judge, though. Didn't give him a tongue-lashing because of it. Harri was her priority, making sure he knew how to treat her properly. The conversation was fresh in James' mind now, because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Harri or make her uncomfortable. In fact, he wasn't even sure right now it was sex he wanted. He just wanted to touch her like he always had when they were together, to remind himself what it was that ended with her being in this condition in the first place. Sure, the baby was an accident at the time. They had been using contraception, and it failed them. But since the shock melted away, neither had once denied that they wanted to be a parent, just doubted their ability to do so. He didn't know what them being here together in her place meant at all, or if it meant they were coming together again. Maybe they were just swept up in the romantic moment of seeing Ali and Andrew so happy, or maybe it was the knowledge of just how close it was until their son was born. All he knew was that he didn't want to stop touching her. He could feel soft movements of the baby under his hand, realise he was pretty active in there for some reason. Maybe he didn't want James anywhere near his Mum?

This caused James to pause for a moment, opening his eyes as he chewed on his lip in thought. It wasn't like he could ask the kid permission to touch his Mum, was it? He looked up at her, pulling himself up again as he wet his lips. "Does that hurt?" he asked her, his fingertips sweeping the underside of her rounded stomach, still feeling the pointed activity in there.

Harri gave a shake of her head. "Definitely not. Just gives me tingles... Everything gives me tingles. I've worked out a pregnant woman's body is beyond sensitive. Pat was barely rubbing my back and it felt like the second coming." Harri turned her head towards his and leaned in to steal a kiss. She couldn't exactly pull away from him, and didn't want to. The moment he'd taken the sheet off her would have been the moment she'd taken him down if she didn't want this. She wasn't as insanely horny as she had been for a while there, tonight was about something different. She wanted James for reasons other than just horniness.

She reached between them to cup him, squeezing gently as she held his gaze. The baby moving didn't mean this couldn't happen as far as Harri was concerned. The baby had been moving a lot lately. She just hoped that wouldn't mean he got born in a breach position.

James raised his eyebrows. "The second platonic coming, right?" he asked with a smirk. "Because no matter how squisy the BFF thing is, you come onto Aiden's husband, gay or not, and he'll throw you off the nearest balcony," he sniggered. He knew there was still a lot of bad blood between him and Aiden, but that didn't mean James didn't still know them. He still got along with Pat. In fact, they spoke on the phone regularly, James just didn't mention it to many people. When she touched him though, his breath left him in a rush and he had to throw his hand out to grab the edge of the kitchen counter so he wouldn't stumble over. Her pregnant body wasn't the only thing that was sensitive. Still, he wasn't sure what part of her he should touch, if she even wanted it. Maybe she just wanted to play with him?

Harri nodded as she laughed. "Of course! I'm not suicidal. I actually want my BFF and his husband to keep me alive. I've gotten attached to this world." Her blonde hair had grown steadily since she'd gotten pregnant and she could feel it brush against the small of her back. She could also see the slight hesitation in his expression. There was no hesitation though as Harri got his pants undone and then had to use both hands to get them down over his hips. She had every intention of playing with him. "Touch me anywhere but the breasts. Well, you can touch me there. Just be gentle. I really missed you, love."

James couldn't help breaking into a grin. "Ali told me that," he said proudly, as if he just passed a hard maths test or something. "The milk and... they're sore. I might actually be an expert in some areas of my life, but knowing about pregnant women, and or maybe women in general, isn't one of them. But I... she knew I might need some tips. Maybe realised I was finally receptive..." he added, the apology hedging his tone. He gave a small nod. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I know that sounds stupid, considering I did, in the worst way. I don't even know why you want me here, or how you can even stand looking at me. But I'm glad you can. I just wanted you to know that. From now on... it's you and our boy. I don't want you to believe me when I say that, either, but just... please give me a chance to prove it to you?"

Harri was still laughing a little, her head tilted a little. "You really talk a lot for a man who's getting a handjob. Although I'm starting to wish we were on the sofa so I could lie back and blow you. I don't know why I couldn't forget you... You're just a part of me now. I'm tired of hurting, and I'm tired of missing you. I want us together. I want us as a family. I want you. Now. I'm glad Ali could give you some tips, but I don't want you overthinking. I love you and your overthinking mind, but right now..." Harri started to work her hand up and down his hard length, "... just us."

"Jesus Christ," James hissed, feeling a warmth bolt across his skin and try to tip him over to the point of no return. This was the moment. Whether he pulled back and stopped everything, no more chances, or kept going and just waited to see what was around the corner. He turned her head towards him and kissed her deeply with enough passion to accidentally push her roughly up against the kitchen counter. He put everything into the kiss, everything he had been trying for weeks to wrap his head around and verbalise. Words weren't going to cut it, though. He saw that now. It needed to be more. He needed to touch her, and hold her, and bury himself so deeply inside her like he never wanted to stop, and he was almost shaking in the intensity of the kiss.

"I prefer Harri," she murmured, smiling slightly against his lips before she kissed him back with equal force, trying to convey everything she felt for him in that one kiss. Her hand slipped from around him as she reached behind James to grab at his arse, pulling up against her as best she could. As much as there was a part of her that enjoyed being pregnant, there really were times she wished she could just detach her belly and be without it for a little while. She turned, trying to put her stomach up on the counter and rub her arse up against his erection as she moaned against his mouth. She wanted him, and she needed him inside her right then and there. It briefly crossed her mind that they were in almost the exact same spot she'd become pregnant, but the thought was gone as heat pooled between her thighs and she started to pulse with need. Then she stopped, her eyes flying open as she dug her fingernails into James. "Fuck... James, wait..."

James leapt back with a small squeak of surprise, his hand on her shoulder as he looked down, eyes wide with surprise. "Please tell me you just peed yourself! Please, please tell me you just peed yourself!" he begged. It wasn't hard to miss, he had been pressed up so close to her and no matter how good she was in the sex department, no chick got that wet with foreplay. He knew being pregnant was uncomfortable and he remembered Ali complaining when she was pregnant how much she had to pee, so it was a possibility, right? It wasn't like he had been anywhere within the vicinity when Ali gave birth, and right now, he was panicking about whether he really wanted to be in the vicinity of Harri giving birth yet. Had it really been nine months?! It had to be too soon, right?! And besides, they were about to shag! For the first time in a long time and he had a very eager boner waiting!

"I didn't just fucking pee myself," Harri said as calmly as she could manage. Inside she was freaking out. She wasn't ready! She was horny, not ready for the birth of their son. There was so much left unsettled. Were they even together? Were they moving back into their apartment, or living separately? What about Aiden and Pat. They were probably on their way back to Princeton by now. And her bag-- "Oh, fuck! My bag. That emergency bag thing they make you pack for when it's time - that's in Princeton. Your jersey! I can't do this without that. I'm not wearing their bullshit gowns that show off my ass. I was going to wear that. I can't do it unless I have that. How the fuck am I supposed to get it in time? No, no, this is not happening. On second thoughts I definitely peed myself." Harri took a breath, cursing their son's timing. Didn't he understand Mummy was about to get royally shagged by his Daddy? "You better call an ambulance anyway... I think this particular bladder issue is about to get painful."

James was looking at her, stunned. He wanted to laugh, tell her it was a good joke. Which would totally be rational if it really didn't look like she just peed herself. "You had a bag?" he found himself asking, not even sure why that came to mind and knowing he definitely had no fucking right to be hurt over it. "Why didn't I know you had a bag? Don't answer that," he added hastily, holding his hand up as he swallowed and wet his lips. "I-I- um... um... do you... does he... does it hurt?" He started to walk in a lost circle in the kitchen, not really sure what he was supposed to do. She told him to do something. What was it again. "911! Right. Ambulance. I can do that. I can do that, right?" He nodded, answering his own question as he pulled his cell phone from his pocket, fumbled with it, and dropped it, smashing it on the ground and totalling it.

Harri raised her eyebrows at James. She might have been the one in labour but she was the calmest apparently. "I don't know, can you?" She picked up the kitchen phone nearby and handed it to him. "I need Aiden, too. Can you manage that? What if he's already in Princeton? If he's in Princeton ask him to get the jersey. Fuck the bag, I just want the jersey." Harri stood there for a moment, and tried to remember her breathing. Was she supposed to puff her cheeks yet. She gave a small shake of her head. "No, no hurting. Yet. There will be if you don't get a bloody ambulance though, love."

James pointed to the floor. "I broke my phone," he told her, as if it was a new fact just laid on the table. "I think I need to get a new one." Why wasn't his brain working probably? It felt a lot like someone had smacked him in the fact and dislodged a vital blood flow to the rational brain cells. His lips formed a little o shape as he tried to think everything through. He shook his head. "No, they're there. Staying here. In New York, not Princeton. Because Aiden was drinking, Pat wasn't. No jersey, no bag." He pointed at her this time. "911." He nodded and walked out of the room. But he was soon back, realising the landline was actually in the kitchen. When he dialled, it was slowly and purposefully. "You know, I think maybe you really did just pee yourself, because it's not time yet. It's not. he knows it's not," he gestured the handset in the direction of her belly. "Right, son?"

Harri watched him, wondering when it was going to sink in that he was actually holding the phone, but apparently he didn't. Not even when he started to use it. She'd half expected him to try and use a banana to call the ambulance. Her gaze dropped to her belly and she just rolled her eyes. The baby obviously didn't answer because he was still inside her. Then a contraction happened, and Harri grunted in pain. "I think he's decided it is time, love. So get that fucking ambulance! I'm not having him here if I can't even have my jersey."

A rush of panic shot through James. "Well, tell him to stop!" he shrieked loudly. He nearly dropped the landline phone too and started to pace back and forth. "I need to call Mark! Mark will know what to do! He just... he will! He's Mark!" His voice was a lot higher and more hoarse than it usually was. Automatically, he dialled in his brother's number, but instead of talking to his brother, started asking for an ambulance, his hand shaking as he held the phone to his ear. Mark was yelling some sort of orders to him down the phone and James listened numbly, nodding. It turned out that Mark was going to call the ambulance and then James accidentally hung up on him instead of thanking him and then without knowing what the hell else to do, started laughing helplessly and anxiously.

Harri slapped James before she even realised her hand had come up. She just couldn't bear the idea of being strong for them both as well as getting herself through the birth. She needed her partner. She needed James. And she didn't need him in hysterics. "Focus!" she snapped. "Grab your balls and be a man. And call Aiden because I need to concentrate on my fucking breath-AH-ing!" Harri puffed her cheeks out and started to pant as another contraction occurred. Someone had better be calling an ambulance, or she was going to rip each and every one of their balls off.

James took a step back from her, frowing as he threw up his hand. "Fuck off! Why are chicks always fucking slapping me?! I'll get the hell out of here and Aiden can do it all if that's what you want!" he cried, shaking his head. He put the phone back into the cradle. "Mark's calling an ambulance," he told her, keeping his distance this time. How the fuck was he supposed to focus when all this was being forced into their faces after months of estrangement?

"I don't want you to fucking fuck off! That's my point. I love you, and I'm having your fucking baby! I'm sorry, it was reactionary. I want you here. I want you in my life. I want our life! But the baby's coming first." Harri reached out for him. "Please, James. I need you."

James did hesitate, but what was going through his head wasn't evident. He had to bite down on his lip to brace himself and then he reached for her hand with a small sigh, nodding. "Alright," he agreed quietly, even if he couldn't shake the feeling he was still displaced on some level. He took the phone again, handing it to her. "You should call Aiden. I'll go pack you another bag." He kissed her forehead and pulled away a little. "It's gonna be alright, okay? I'm not going to let anything happen to either of you."

Harri nodded as she looked at him, her blue eyes wide with fear and wonder. She was about to have their baby. She wasn't ready, but she just had to deal. It also suddenly occurred to her she was standing there in nothing but her underwear. She awkwardly managed to get the sheet back up off the floor and covered herself before calling Aiden. How he was going to react she could only guess. But she wanted him there. He had to be there just like James had to be. They both needed to keep her anchored because for the first time in her life, Harriet Ryan was petrified.

All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe

Word Count | 4,355

charloft | Wednesday

2009-11-04T08:24:27Z

Show us a picture of something your muse always or almost always carries on them

A Medic Alert bracelet. James is diabetic and never without it, especially after it's saved his life more than once.

RP LOG | With isabelowens

2009-10-18T07:04:09Z

Isabel lay on her side, watching James sleep. He had spent another night at her place. It was happening so often, that Iz just assumed he'd moved in. She didn't mention it, or bring it up, but now she was starting to wonder. She was also still considering the talk she'd had with Pat. Were her feelings for James just because they had such a deep connection? She didn't necessarily have to be in love with him to feel it. He was her best friend, and their bond was almost as strong as that of twins.

That thought made her scrunch her nose up. James was very not a blood relation thank god. That would have meant what they were doing was a whole new level of wrong. She rubbed her hand against her stomach, the bump starting to become bigger. Ali had lost her baby, and Iz was still heart broken. She thought she'd be able to be pregnant at the same time as her best friend, have their kids grow up simultaneously. Now Ali, who had really wanted a baby with Andrew, wasn't pregnant.

And Iz, who didn't deserve to be pregnant, still was. She'd fucked Cameron over royally, but was still going to give birth to his kids. She missed him. She missed him more than she ever wanted to admit, but had a feeling Pat knew just how much. James shifted in his sleep, and Izzy reached out to take his hand. He was always going to be her best friend, there was no changing that. She just wasn't as sure as she had been that he was supposed to be anything more.

Maybe they really had had their one chance, and should have just left it at that. Only the sex was still fantastic, and she was pregnant, and horny, and he was willing. She wasn't proud, but she was hardly going to say no. She just didn't think they'd really made love since being together, and for years she might have debated the difference between sex and making love. What they'd had back in Princeton when they'd crossed the line had been close to the latter. Since then, she wasn't sure. She wasn't sure of a lot of things lately, and it troubled her. Iz let out a sigh as she quietly cursed the fact she couldn't roll over onto her back.

James woke up quickly, possibly from more discontent thoughts plaguing his mind in his sleep as well as when he was awake. They were getting harder to ignore when he was awake, so maybe it was impossible to get rid of them when he was asleep. He sat up in the bed, the covers pooling around his waist as it took a few bleary moments for him to get his bearings as to where he was. He always first thought he was in his own bed with Harri, or more recently, at Mark's place. But it wasn't either. It was Izzy's and his sleepy brain soon clicked that fact into place as he rubbed a hand over his face and peered at her groggily in the dim light streaming through the edge of the blinds. "Was I snoring?" he asked huskily, his voice croaky from sleep as he yawned widely and scratched at his chest. "I didn't fart and wake myself up again, did I?" he asked through another yawn.

Izzy glanced up at him, and tried to shake her head against the pillow. "No, you were quiet. Maybe a few grunts, but nothing snore-like, or gas-fuelled." Iz stifled a yawn, covering her mouth with her hand. She'd been awake for ages, unable to sleep with the cycle of thoughts running through her mind, and stopping her from resting. Now she was starting to get sleepy, but knew she wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

James nodded and hugged his arms around his middle. He looked at the wall across from the end of the bed, still trying to get himself to wake up a bit more. He didn't know the time, he didn't really care. He had been asleep and he woke up... he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. His rest was broken just about every night of late. Harri kissing him was fresh in his mind, and he was getting nervous about the rapidly approaching birth of their baby. His son. His first child. He still couldn't believe it. He had never thought that would come any time soon, and now all of a sudden it was all-encompassing for him. He just had to go see Harri at her office. He couldn't go through what Mark did with Jamie, he had to show Harri he wanted to be there for every step of the kid's life, even if things between them weren't easy. He needed a pee, but even that seemed like it would take too much energy. Babies got it easy with the whole diaper thing. "Not long now til Ali gets married. It's weird..." he commented, just to break the silence. "Really weird." He knew then he wasn't solely referencing Ali being a married woman.

"At least I'll finally make it down an aisle that isn't in Vegas," Iz said with a slight smirk. She stretched out her legs to try and find a comfortable position as she huffed out a breath. "James? I..." She felt like she had to talk to him about what was going throug her mind, but she couldn't find the words. How was she supposed to even have this conversation? She wasn't even sure what she wanted the end outcome to be.

"She'll take you out with the bouquet. If she doesn't do a runner herself," James noted and then turned to look at Izzy tiredly. "What?" he asked her and started to rub his eyes slowly, lethargically. Work wasn't even enough to keep him distracted. In the past, when things were tough, he buried himself in his work like an ostrich. It's probably a lot of why he pushed her away for so long before they got their act together. At work, he could convince himself things were fine. But maybe it was now that his parental instinct was trying to kick in when he didn't even realise he had any. His kid wasn't born, didn't even breathe with his lungs or see with his eyes, and James missed him.

"Somehow I don't think she'll run away. She loves Andrew too much for that." Iz reached up to take his hand again, rubbing her thumb across his fingers. "James... I don't even know what I'm supposed to say, but I have to say something. I just... I love you. You're my best friend, and I think you are the other half of me in a lot of ways. I've never been so close to someone as I am to you. Well, with the exception of Fi and Ali."

James squeezed her hand and looked down at her, his other hand still tucked loosely around his stomach. "I hear the 'but' after those words," he noted. It was his job to read between the lines and the skill didn't switch off with family members, even if his emotions usually got in the way and made his loved ones harder to read. He drew in a breath and let it out slowly. "Harri kissed me."

Isabel's eyes widened a little, but she couldn't really truly act surprised. "But you're Harri's now," she told him quietly as she amended her 'but' in relation to his revelation. "She's having your baby, and I think you still love her. How could you not? And I know I fought hard for us to try again, and I still think we did do the right thing... We had to be sure. And I think I'm scared to admit what I'm sure about."

James dropped his head, looking down at his lap and closing his eyes. "Of course I love her because she's having my baby. That just happens. But it's all... it doesn't just go back, Iz. We fucked them over. If what you're about to admit to next is you still want Cameron. It's not going to happen. We made our choice, we have to live with it. We can't just chop and change as we feel like it and expect everyone to bow down and cater to what we want. Why should they? We're coming off as a spoiled kids in a playground who loses interest in the new toy, turfing them aside for the more interesting older toy. Do you think Andrew would take Ali back if she decided she wanted to go back to Mark, only changed her mind in a couple of months time? No, he would be screwed in the head to. He would want to cut his losses and move on."

"It's not what I'm about to admit, but yeah, I do. And I know I fucked it. It's why I'm not going after him. I was alone after you... went away, so it's not like I can't do it. I can. I can just be me and have the babies, or whatever. And if he wants to be a part of their lives, he can be. I'm not going to ask him to be a part of mine. I'm not trying to chop and change. That's the hardest thing I've come to terms with. I just... James, is this really what you want?" She watched him, trying not to bite down on the tip of her finger. "This isn't about toys, it's about contentment. I love you, and I always will. Just maybe we really did have our chance. I know we've been going along, trying to get this to work, and for it to be new... Only maybe our hearts really are elsewhere. It's easy to want the familiar when we're together, but don't you feel... I don't know. I can't even think of the word for it."

James rested his elbows on his knees and cupped his head in his hands, scratching his fingers lethargically through the front of his hair, which had somehow along the line come to be more on the longish side again. Remembering to get a haircut had clearly not been on his list of priorities. "My heart is with my son," he had to admit quietly. "And finding this contentment you mentioned shouldn't be at the price of hurting so many other people. It shouldn't. But I- I can't think of anything but him, Iz. It's all-consuming me. It's like I don't even have room in my head to think about my own happiness or relationships or whatever because all I can think about is hoping he's going to be born healthy, and wondering what he'll feel like when I hold him for the first time, and what colour his hair will be, and what colour his eyes will be, and how small his hands and feet will be, and whether he'll arrive sooner than we thought, or maybe later, and whether I'll be able to pull off this father thing. All those things Ali said in the early days about Jamie, it's like I can feel an echo of them inside, but towards my own kid. It hurts how much I love him already and I don't even know if it's a question of whether I want to be with you, or with Harri, or if Harri is the one... she's just got my baby, and I love her for that. I never, ever thought I would feel like this and for the first time in... years, I feel like that little boy could complete me and make me feel grounded."

"Then you should be with him. Even now. And even if you and Harri aren't together. You should still be there. The early stages are going to be incredibly important. Even I can start to feel a bond with my twins. I don't want to swap it for anything, and considering I'm going to have two baby bundles... I want to be able to give them everything." Iz tilted her head back down, her neck already starting to hurt. She twirled her finger around her hair, the pregnancy starting to make it grow at a rapid rate. "You should be able to focus on him. I... I don't want to stop you from doing that, and I want to be able to be the best aunty I can be to your kid. And that's just it. I don't want to be his mother. He's going to have an amazing one in Harri."

James unfolded himself so he could shift and see her better. "Iz, it's..." He paused and sighed. "It's not that I don't love you. I do. I'm always going to. And all this is fine, it really is. I could be happy with this, and I think we would work and exist fine together. But you know what? Somewhere, in all the strings of fucked up shit, I think we just... grew up? Got old, maybe. Something shifted and changed. What we did was selfish, but maybe it's failing because we really aren't as selfish as we used to be. We have too many other people we want to think about and care about and have in our lives. It's not just get up, go to work, come home, fuck, and start the whole process all over again. It's more. It's us both about to be parents, and letting ourselves fall in love with other people, and Ali getting married and Mark moving on and... it's changing. That's why I don't think it's that we don't love each other anymore, we just love a lot of other people too. And maybe we'll just always need each other or whatever the fuck, but I don't know if we can give each other the whole package anymore."

Tears pricked the backs of Izzy's eyes, and she reached out to touch his face. "I don't think we can, but at least we both reached that conclusion, and we both know what's going on. We get to say a proper goodbye this time. You're still my best friend. I can't not have you in my life. And I can't really do this without your support, because I am just as much doubting my ability to be a mother. I just know you'll be a great dad. You'll have your son in your arms for the first time, and you'll know. You'll realise you're meant for more than the SS and the FBI."

James pressed his lips together and then smiled at her, laughing softly as he shook his head. "I'm sure at some point I'll shake this feeling that I'm having an outer-body experience and watching myself from above while everything changes that I never thought I would. Never thought I would let myself have, to be honest. I thought joining the SS was going to give me what I was searching for, but it didn't. It just took me further away from what I already had. We might both suck as parents in the early days, but Ali thought that too, and she's an amazing mother. She told me the other day it's not something you can teach yourself in advance, and you can't practice with other people's kids, either. You don't know shit until you have your own. Wise words there... just with a lot more 'fucks' thrown in there when when she explained it. It's been a year, you know. Almost to the day. Quickest fucking year of my life. I think we just need to... take each day? As corny as that sounds. Everything can just change so quickly, what's the point in trying to see beyond it all for answers?"

"James, you were always allowed to have those things. And maybe in a way it's good everything fucked up. We both realised we were allowed to have what we wanted. It just didn't happen how we thought." Iz laughed at the image of Ali dispensing the wise words with a load of fucks punctuating them. "Sounds like Ali. And I believe her, I really do. I can't believe it's a year, either. I mean, fuck. Where'd it go?" She pulled him closer to press her lips to his in a soft kiss. "Taking each day works, but we're taking each day as... friends. Right?"

James shrugged. "I dunno. Will we ever just be friends? There's more there than that. Just not the passionate romance I guess we both want at the end of the day. I don't mean that to sound crap. The sex has been nice, and familiar. But we lost the passion somewhere. I think even the first time back in Princeton, it wasn't passion, it was just desperation to be close to each other. I listen to Ali talking about riding her guy like there is no tomorrow, even if she hasn't since the miscarriage, and I actually feel jealous," he laughed and then smirked. "I think even Mark is getting fucked into the mattress by... whoever she is. Then, the sex aside, maybe we just know each other too much, inside and out, for that mystery and spontaneity to be there anymore."

"I thought it was just me," Izzy said in a relieved rush. She pressed her lips together as she shrugged a little. "I get jealous, too. Not that I really feel much like riding at the moment. I just want to be pounded. Wait, Mark's being fucked into the mattress? Is that why you started staying here so often? You know, if you want to stay here you can. And if you want to try and move back in with Harri, I'd understand. I think Mark would, too. I'm not sorry we tried this again. I'm glad we got to work out once and for all that we really did grow up, or do whatever the fuck it was."

"I don't know what I'm going to do, to be honest. That is part of the reason. Mostly I just wanted to spend time with you. I figured we weren't going to get anywhere if we weren't spending the time we had together. But yeah, I thought he might want some privacy. I still get he is hiding it for some reason that's important to him. But shit, I want him to be happy. He hasn't been happy since he split with Ali and I want him to find a girl who adores him for him and that he doesn't feel he has to be something he's not. Because he's a great guy. He's basically my hero, even now." James smiled as he thought about his brother. "Do you think we all just need to flounder around and land wherever the fuck we do? I don't know if Harri will want anything with me ever again beyond me being a Dad to the boy. She's not stopping me being part of his life in any way and she's letting me be there for the birth," he told her, unable to help smiling at the thought of it. "I didn't want to miss that."

"Is he happy? Have you noticed a positive change, or is Mark just being quiet still? Have you two... reconnected? I wasn't sure if you'd managed to breach the gap yet. Especially since you've been here. Which I'm not complaining about. At all. I'm glad we had the time together. I don't feel so disconnected anymore. For a while I still just felt like I wasn't really a part of anything. At least I know where one part of my life stands." Iz smirked a little. "Really not sure I'm capable of much floundering right now, so I have no idea how Harri would manage it, or even Cam with his busted leg." Her smirk instantly faded at the thought of the footballer. Even though she was going to make no attempt to get back together with him, she still needed to talk to him. If there was ever chance he'd take her back it would take time, and Iz needed to learn patience. "That's great. I think it's important you be there, James. He's your son. You should take every chance to connect with him."

James chewed on his lips in thought and then shrugged a little. "He is in some ways, but I think the closure with Ali and Jamie just came like in the guts to him. He realised he really had fucked up enough to lose them. Maybe a tiny part of himself always thought he would win Ali back. Or hoped he would. Maybe a little like how you're feeling with the footballer now. He's always going to love her, but now it's that different love. Loves her as a friend, as the woman who had his child. Like I said, it was closure, but closure isn't always easy to swallow. He is happy for her, though, and wants to talk to Andrew to try and clear the air there. Things have just taken a real turn and everything is changing for everyone. But this person he is seeing, I think has maybe given him some hope. He doesn't look so old and drained anymore. All I know is that I need to be the best father I can, I need to spend more time with Mark doing brother things, and I need to spend time with Ali making up for everything I cost her, and for the times she needed me and I wasn't there. After that, I'll see where things stand. I guess it's a start. I'm hoping after that, I'll be in a better frame of mind to think about romance or something." He paused and looked at her closely. "You still love him."

"We both need to make it up to Ali. I'm just as much in the doghouse as you are. But I've been making sure she's a priority. Same with Jamie. I need her to understand I'm her aunty, and not some mad woman that's there to make her mom angry. I think it's helped Ali getting that closure, too. She needed to make sure things were fixed with Mark before thinking about anything else. Now she's all wedding crazy. You should see her shoes! They're insane. I'm still not sure what she has in mind for us bridesmaids and I'm kind of scared. Like if she reveals it at the last moment we don't have a chance of backing out and not wearing something garish. Not that I think she'd do that to us... much." Izzy looked back at him, arching her eyebrow briefly in a sort of shrug. "It doesn't matter if I do. I fucked it all up."

"Jamie's an amazing little girl. I love spending time with her, but she just tends to sit there and stare at me, or giggle at me and try to eat my ties. She's the one that makes me stop and wonder if maybe being a Dad could be a really cool thing. You sit and watch her with Andrew, and the way her face lights up when he walks in the room, or the way she watches Ali and just smiles. I mean, how cool is that? That little person just thinks they are the most awesome people ever because they're her mummy and daddy. Just for being there. Not that it is my ego complex that wants that, but it's the whole package. She adores them because they have been there for her, taken care of her, all of that. That's what I want. I just get terrified I'll fuck him up. I don't know if I have the strength Ali does, but then she says Jamie gives her the strength. Jamie and Andrew. We got bumped off, you know," James said with a fond smirk. "She used to just need us. And I don't think you'll be put through the poofy bridesmaid ringer. I think Ali's wedding will be classy. She might just give you the poofy, fluffy toilet doll dress to punish you and make Tab and Leila all awesome and trendy," he joked.

He sighed and rested his head on his hand again. "Is that reason not to give it another try to talk to him, though? Before he goes, at least. Pat seems to think Cameron's going to head home now he's out of hospital. You might be on a ticking clock, Iz. Maybe you should just try. Is he going to be at the wedding?"

"Of course it's a really cool thing," Iz said as she laughed a little. "I've always thought it would be awesome being a parent. If only because I know we can do a million times better than those fuckwits we deal with through work. They don't deserve kids, and they should be given corporal punishment... Even if this is New York. Let's just ship then all to Texas. It is pretty cool thinking they'll just think we're awesome for being their parents. At least you only have one to worry about fucking up. I've got two. Two potential fuck ups on the way." Isabel nodded in agreement at being bumped off before she frowned. "You know, I wouldn't put it past her. And I almost wouldn't argue with her. I deserve the poofy dress."

"I was going to talk to him," she admitted, wondering if James really could read her mind. "I just wasn't planning on telling him I love him. He won't believe me. He still doesn't think I'm pregnant with his kids. I don't know if he'll be there. Plus I wouldn't want to try then. What if it blew up and I ruined Ali's day?"

James snorted. "You think just because you're having twins, you have more potential to fucking up even though you've always wanted kids? Nah-uh, you're not pulling that card on me. We're both in the potential fuck-up boat equally. I know identical twins aren't technically hereditary, but you would think that would give him a clue that they're his. Just one of those freaky shit things. But look how Pat is with his brother. They're inseparable. They would do anything for each other and they feel each other's pain. That's a fucking unique thing and you get to have that in your kids. They'll never be on their own." He pointed, smirking deviously. "You so deserve the fucking poofy dress and I'm going to be right there with a camera."

"Whether he believes you or not, you should still tell him. And you're just going to have to be discreet about it, aren't you? Respect it's Ali and Andrew's wedding, don't let it blow up," he said with a shrug. "I think he might be there. Andrew's cousin is a Princetonite. I got the feeling it was going to be a big thing."

"I'm not complaining about having twins. I think it is a cool thing that they get each other. I just... They're his! Of course they're fucking his. He just doesn't believe it because I fucked him over." Iz flipped him off as she kissed the tip of her middle finger. "You deserve the fucking sky blue tux with the frilly shirt."

"Is Harri going? Are you going to be discreet about that one even if you're fixing your head before thinking of anything romantic?" Izzy made a face as she tried to stretch her back. She'd give anything to be able to roll over and lie on it, but she wasn't sure she could trust herself.

James just smirked. "Yes, but unlike Ali, Andrew isn't vindictive and I'm technically on his side of the wedding party. Lovely tuxes all the way," he said smugly. He was awake now and there would probably be no going back to sleep until it was actually time to wake up. Fucking body clocks. "It's easy for you to all swear and be high and mighty about it, but at the end of the day, you fucked around on him and sure, you told him that first time was in Princeton, but you and I both know we could have done it in England when he was in hospital. How is he to really trust you that you didn't? I think the only reason Harri can see sense is because when you got knocked up, I was in a coma. I'm good, but I'm not that good. My cock didn't work for weeks after that."

"As far as I know she's going. She and Ali got close recently, strangely enough. I'm going to keep my distance because I don't think it's arguing with her that I need to worry about. Plus, she'll be about two weeks off giving birth. She probably won't stay for a late night and will likely stick close to Aiden. I offered to have Jamie while they go on their honeymoon too, but Andrew's Mum is going to. I'm still not sure she trusts we're going to be there for Jamie when she needs us."

"Because I'm not a complete fucking whore?" Iz said angrily. "I didn't fuck you when you came back. I didn't fuck you in England. I didn't fuck you in your coma." Angry tears started to spill down her cheeks as she covered her face with her hand. "I fucked up! I know that. But these are his twins. He's the father, and he's the man I love. I didn't think I could love anyone after you, but I did. And I do. And I want him back, but it's never going to happen because I'm such a stupid bitch."

"What are you worried about then?" Izzy took a gasping breath, and tried to calm down. "We'll just have to prove it to her. We'll be better now we're not together."

James just frowned at her outburst. "When has it ever been just about fucking? You loved another guy when you were with him. Loved. Fucking doesn't even come into it, Iz, and you need to see that. It's not the fact you fucked me that has him trying to shield himself from you hurting him more, it's that when he loved you, you couldn't give him everything in return. Just like Harri and me. It goes way beyond fucking. It's much worse. I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to convince Harri again that I love her fully, and right now, Cameron is probably thinking he was stupid for believing you would love him unconditionally. We deserve to be on our own and lonely. We fucking hurt them both, in the worst way. Two people who protected their hearts from everyone for this very reason. But maybe we just have to try."

"Because every time I see her, I feel physically sick with guilt," he admitted. "That's what I'm worried about. And we're not going to prove anything to Ali until we get our own shit together. She won't let us near Jamie while we're floundering, not without her being there, and we're supposed to be that little girl's godparents. We should be the ones she comes to when she needs help."

"Because somewhere in there should be the whole to get pregnant there still needs to have been fucking?" Iz asked in a small, stubborn voice. The anger ebbed, morphing to become anguish as she thought about hurting Cameron. "Sometimes I just wish I could go back and do it all differently, but then I realise we probably couldn't have done it without making a mess. We needed to fuck up to understand what was important. How fucked up is that?"

"I'm sorry." Iz nodded a little. "We'll get through it, James. We both love her and Jamie too much to ever let this happen again. I can't blame her for wanting to wait until we stop floundering. We've been idiots."

James pointed at her with a smirk. "The pregnant is a complication, not a foundation. You need to build your case better, Agent Owens." He massaged at his shoulder, trying to release some of the tension that had built up there over the last few weeks. "We never do anything without making a mess. We always seem to do everything arse-about. We really should be old, miserable people like that woman who tries to poke people with her walking stick on 53rd. Wanting to go back and do things differently is the story of my life. Right back to knocking up my girlfriend when I was a teenager. I swear everything since then has just been bad karma."

"She called Mark. When everything fell apart, Mark rescued her. Because we had our heads up our arses. When I see her with Andrew's family, I actually feel relieved because I know they won't hurt her. That's another fucked up thing right there. She should divorce us as Jamie's godparents and pick better ones."

Iz stayed quiet, biting the tip of her finger as she tried to get her brain into motion for coming up with a stronger case. She just couldn't get past the guilt threatening to swallow her up. How has she been so fucking shortsighted? She glanced up at James and made a face. "Do you think she'd really divorce us?"

"She held a gun to my head and then knocked me out. Yes, I think she would cut all ties with us if it came to that. If she thought our fucking crap would be a threat to Jamie. But think about it. When was the last time all three of us just hung out and talked? When have any of us just talked about shit and were just there for each other?" James shook his head. "I can't even remember, and I fucking miss it. I miss the piss-pulling and the laughs. Ali rarely even smiles around me anymore."

Iz finally moved, pushing herself up into a sitting position before resting her hand on her stomach. "We should do it before she gets married. We should just kidnap her and spend time with her. It might help all of us. Just get things back on track."

James shrugged and nodded a little. "Guess we can try. I don't think we're her priority anymore, just like she probably feels like she stopped being ours."

"We're so fucked in the head," Izzy murmured. "And I really want pancakes. With blueberries, bacon, eggs, maple syurp and ice cream."

Words | 5,778

For straight2point

2009-10-04T07:53:06Z

James really didn't know what the ex-lover baby daddy ettiquette was supposed to be, let alone what the boundaries were, but when he saw THIS MATERNITY SHIRT, he couldn't resist buying it and having it delivered to Harri at her office.

He just wanted her to know he was thinking about her and their son.

And couldn't stop.

musebysentence | 19.1. Close

2009-10-04T07:40:19Z

LINK: Only five weeks until I become a father, though the jury is out whether the offspring will arrive when he's supposed to... it's not in Campbell genes to make life easy.

RP LOG | With straight2point

2009-10-03T07:32:13Z

[Follows THIS]

James was so nervous, he was making himself feel sick. He had his hands shoved in the pockets of his black business jacket as he stood staring blankly at a fashiony-looking picture on the wall of Harri's office waiting room. He refused to look out the window. It wasn't his fault he hated heights with a fucking passion. Who knew when a window might suddenly fail and suck you out? He looked every bit the intimidating FBI Special Agent, with his dark sunglasses even perched on top of his head, but inside, he felt anything but. For starters, he suspected Harri's PA hated his guts if the filthy look she gave him was anything to go by. At this point in time, he didn't even know if she would pass on the message he wanted to see Harri, and if she did, there was even more chance Harri would reject the request.

And he couldn't blame her. He just really hoped she didn't. As fucked up as it was, he missed her. He still had some feelings for her, whether it was just because she was the mother of his baby or something else. If anything their bunch had learned over the years, it was that you just couldn't switch feelings off. It is what got him into this whole mess to start with. Things had been going okay, and then they just weren't. The thing was, he and Izzy were still trying to claw back their relationship feet. Neither really knew if it would work in the long run, but they were trying. The only reason James broke up with Harri was because he knew it wasn't fair to her to continue their relationship as long as he still had feelings for Izzy. The only thing was, they needed to figure out that the feelings were what they had been in the past, and the only way they could do that was by taking the time to experience each other all over again. James was different these days, even if he seemed the same a lot of the time. Inside, he had changed a lot, and one of the biggest things factoring that was that in less than two months, he was going to be a father. It was all-encompassing in his mind and whatever happened, he just needed to see Harri so they could talk about their son.

At the end of the day, with whatever had passed between then, he was still that - their son.

Harri sat on the sofa in her office, her baby bump getting too large to fit behind her desk. Truth was she should have probably been back at Aiden's place in Princeton and on maternity leave but she hated the idea of sitting around with nothing to do. She'd come in with the intention of working, and she had actually gotten quite a few things done, but now James fucking Fraser was standing out there waiting to see her. She'd fed her PA a bullshit line about being in the middle of something, but all she was doing was staring angrily at the wall opposite trying to work out how the hell she was supposed to deal with James without screaming at him.

She did still love him, and she missed him, and he was the father of the child she was carrying, but she couldn't forgive what he'd done. She was still kicking herself for not realising sooner that it would be inevitable he slept with Isabel, even if she gave him permission. There would be no getting it out of his system, she had been his wife at some point after all. Harri had just been... she didn't even know anymore. She just knew she was planning on keeping her heart locked up tighther than before. Only Aiden, and her son would get to it now.

She let out a sigh, and pushed up off the sofa to make her way back over to her desk so she could buzz her PA and tell her to let James come through.

The PA, evidently, wasn't happy with the news Harri was accepting James' request. In fact, it was probably a miracle James didn't end up with a stapler lodged in his forehead. He didn't meet her eyes as she rose to go and open the door for him. Seems she valued her job too much to actually jeopardise her assistant ettiquette, Harri probably making it clear that any secretary of hers had to be pristine and professional in their job. There was an icy silence when James finally was admitted to Harri's office, and the PA took it upon herself to hover a little longer than necessary in the doorway like some sort of trumped up bodyguard. James turned and this time met her eyes with his own look that clearly told her to fuck off or he would make things uncomfortable for her. It was only then that the office door was closed, and Harri and James were left alone for the first time in weeks.

He was suddenly lost for words, and his hands stayed firmly planted in his pockets. He let out a slow breath, trying to regain some composure as he looked over her face. Something washed over him that just felt like saddness, probably mixed with regret. "I'm sorry to bother you," he told her quietly. And he was. He was sorry they were in the position he had to keep things bordering on professional between them. "I just... I think there are some things we need to talk about."

Harri had been watching the door, making sure her secretary had really shut it after her. If the woman even tried to eavesdrop, she was gone. Harri's blue eyes flicked to James' face, and she arched an eyebrow, keeping her expression as neutral as possible. "I assume they're important if you are choosing to bother me. Not to mention interrupt your own schedule with this visit. No doubt you have more important... things to be doing."

"Actually, I don't. I've taken the rest of the day off to come see you. I didn't know if I would have to camp out to get you to agree to see me. In fact, these is nothing more important than this to me," James told her honestly. He remained standing near the door and fought the urge to hug himself like a protective shield. This was harder than he had even anticipate, and he had anticipated it badly.

Harri rubbed her hand over her swollen belly before she gestured at one of the arm chairs near the sofa, indicating James should sit. She buzzed her PA again and told her to hold all calls, cutting her secretary off before she could argue otherwise. Harri took a seat on the sofa, and made herself comfortable again. There was only so much standing she could do lately. She'd kicked off her shoes long ago, glad she'd carpeted the office floor. Made it easier for her to go barefoot. "It was tempting to make you wait longer, but I'm not a complete bitch. So what's so important to you, James?" She bit her tongue to stop herself from adding anything about her not being important to him. She really was trying not to insult him at every turn. She could be civilised. Mostly.

James unbuttoned his jacket and sat down, trying not to look too awkward in doing do. "The baby, first and foremost," he told her quietly. "I know I... you..." he tried to begin, but everything he wanted to say rushed to the forefront at once, impeding his ability to rationalise what should be said first. He bit down on his lip and closed his eyes briefly, his fingers curling around the end of the chair's arm rests. "I just need to know where I stand with him, at the very least."

"You're his father," Harri answered without hesitation. "I'm not going to stop you have anything to do with him. I know what it's like to have absent parents, whether they chose to be, or were forced to be. I also understand just how important family is to you. It's what you came back for. I'm not going to replace you, I'm not going to stop you being with him." She actually hadn't been sure what she was going to do in regards to James and his son, but as she spoke, she knew that she was making the right choice. As much as she was angry with him for ditching her so easily, Harri did understand how important his son was to him. She wasn't going to run the risk of her son winding up with parents like hers.

"That sounds good in theory, but considering we can hardly be in the same room together without tension thick enough to cut with a knife, how is that going to affect him at the end of the day?" James asked her, trying not to shift in the seat. It was trendy and felt like it was swallowing his arse. Maybe that was the whole point, she could trap her clients and hook them before they could get up and run. "I just didn't know how things were going to... progress, or whatever. I know Cameron is stepping back, but I don't want that. I would never have wanted that."

"I didn't expect you would. I'll work on the tension as best I can, but you have to understand that it's going to take more time. I can't just be all smiles, and happy to see you. As much as you still mean to me, I'm not ready to be friendly. Maybe by the time Campbell comes I will be. Fuck knows giving birth is supposed to change you." Harri looked at him, eyes searching his as she tried to work out how he was supposed to make her feel now. Mostly she could just start to feel the hole in her heart niggle away, even as if she spent most of the time ignoring it.

James put his hand up and rubbed his fingers through the back of his hair. It was a nervous gesture and he drew in a small breath as everything felt like it choked him up. He was close to crying, and he hated it, but only because he knew there was no way to fix everything he had done. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse and choke and he blinked away the tears that appeared in his eyes. "I appreciate that," he told her. "I don't expect you to be anything but angry and bitter towards me, and you're more than entitled to that. Like I said, I never even expected you to see me. I just hoped you would. I've been thinking about you alot, thinking about our son. Just hoping you're both as okay as you can be."

Harri was still watching him, and felt a small twinge at seeing him upset. A part of her wanted to comfort him, but it wasn't her job anymore. It was up to Isabel to comfort James now. "We're fine. Aiden has been taking good care of me." She cleared her throat, letting her hand rest on her stomach. "Cameron's been of some... help as well."

James nodded, unable to answer immediately. He figured Aiden would step up to the plate. It made James feel like he was going to be defunct. Aiden would probably end up more prominent in the kid's life than James was by the time he factored his work into the picture. Where Harri would probably spend a lot of time hanging out with Aiden, wherever they were, James would probably need to book appointments to spend time with his son. And the realisation hurt. "I'm glad you're okay with asking for help. I know it mustn't be easy for you," he murmured. "I spoke to Pat. He mentioned briefly... stuff... I'm glad Cameron's helping you with whatever before he goes home."

"It was better than coming to you for sexual relief," Harri answered before she could stop herself. She could understand that this was hurting him, especially knowing Aiden was helping her. He was filling in where James should have been, and Harri couldn't bring herslef to apologise. "Things are complicated enough as it is without more cheating."

James reeled inwardly when he realised what she was implying. Outwardly, his features barely reacted. It wasn't any of his business if Harri slept with Cameron, and it wasn't the actual act of it that was bothering him. It was just weird, and felt wrong. Very wrong. He just watched her at first, swallowing back a horrible taste at the back of his throat. If he stopped and thought about it too much, he would just end up feeling sick. "That's none of my business," he responded calmly.

"You're right." Harri looked down at her stomach, and let out a sigh before meeting James' gaze again. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to suddenly not be your... whatever the fuck I was. I hate this."

"I'm sorry. I know you don't probably believe that, but I am. But I didn't know what to do and it came down to hurting you and being honest with you, or hurting you and lying to you. I promised you I would never lie to you again. I tried telling you I would hurt you, and it's the last thing I wanted to do, but would you have really just accepted I still had feelings for another woman and pretended they didn't exist, knowing deep down they did? And you know the fucked up thing? I don't even really know what those feelings are. I just know there is something there, but whatever it is might not end up being anything, and I could still lose everything. Again. Everything in my life for the last five years has been a fucked mess and there is no way for me to know anymore what I should do. Everytime I try to be happy, something comes along and throws it off the tracks. Right now, all I can focus on as a lifeline is my son, because I'm hoping that no matter what I've done in the past, he'll be able to forgive me for it and let me be something I think I might actually be okay at. Being a Dad," James told her and pressed his lips together slightly so he didn't lose it. "All the other love in my life comes with conditions and bad history. With my son, it's just a feeling I've never experienced before, and I don't want to lose that."

Harri shifted up to other side of the sofa so that she was close to James, and reached out for his hand and held it against her stomach. The baby had been kicking more and more lately, and she had noticed since James had been in the office, that their son seemed excited by his father's presence. "I don't want you to lose it either."

James could feel the soft movements against his hand and closed his eyes, it becoming impossible to fight the tears anymore. Why did everything have to suck so much all the time? He had always imagined that when the time came for him to have his first kid, he would be happily married and sharing every moment of it with his wife, who he adored and wanted to give the world to. It wasn't exactly a white picket fence fantasy, but at least he was happy in it. Things were right in it. How were things ever going to be right again? How was he supposed to explain to his first kid why he wasn't with his Mum? Even if he was an accident, and a shock, it had changed. Now James just wanted to meet him, and hope he didn't fuck him up. He was more confused than ever now, but what was the point? He had made his choice, only as each new day with Izzy ticked over, he got a niggle in his gut part of her heart still lay elsewhere. Was that ever really going to change? "I don't even know what to say anymore," he whispered hoarsely.

Harri's lips pressed together as she watched him, not really sure what she was supposed to say herself. She wanted it back how it had been, them living together and trying to find their domestic equilibrium. Neither of them had planned the pregnancy but they had been getting a rhythm, and they had been in love. Only Harri just felt like it had been worth shit. She couldn't argue his need to find out what he shared with Izzy, she would rather his honesty than being lied to, and trying to pretend anything. She let go of his hand, but didn't make any move to take his off her belly. "You'll always be his father, James."

"Anyone can be a father," James mumbled. He was glad he had taken the rest of the day off. After this, he would probably either go home and hide in bed or bury himself in backlogged case notes. "It takes a whole lot more of everything to be a Dad, and a good one. Maybe you are just better having Aiden help you out."

Harri sighed. "Self pity doesn't suit you. I need Aiden because I can't heal my heart, and be a mother. Same as Ali couldn't, but she had to learn to. I'm selfish, so I'm taking Aiden's help. You could have have stayed with me, and our son, but you have to work out what's going on with Isabel. If... if you ever decide we're something you think you could want again, maybe there's a chance to try again. I don't know. I don't know as much as I thought I did, and I'm sorry."

James gave a hint of a laugh with held no humour. "That's not self pity, I'm stating a fact. You forget what self pity is when you actually have enough reason in your life to be miserable. Ali would vouch for that. Things just..." He shook his head. "I don't know if we're just clutching to what was in the past, but can never be again now after everything. Things aren't anywhere. Ali lost her baby, and it was terrible. She miscarried in the bathroom of Luke's bar at Andrew's birthday party. Andrew started drinking again when Ali pushed him away. Izzy and I nearly fucked her over again by accident. Mark has signed his parental rights to Jamie over to Ali so Andrew can adopt her, and it devastated him. There's just not been any time to see anything with Izzy and me through the painful haze, and maybe there never will be. But we made our choice, and if it doesn't work, we have to to live with everything we lost. No matter what you think, I still loved you when I told you about Izzy. I just didn't want to lie to you. Now I'm in exactly the same boat all over again. Try to pretend feelings aren't there when I know fuck well they are."

Harri's eyebrow arched upwards at the last part. "What feelings?" She wasn't going to argue that things had been hard, and complicated. She knew damn well they had been. She'd also made sure Ali had been okay, keeping their friendship alive. She wasn't giving up on it just because she wasn't with James. There were some things she couldn't just cut out. "I appreciate you not lying to me, but that hardly makes up for how painful it was. I gave you my heart, James. No one else has had it. Now I remember why."

"I told you I would hurt you," James told her, meeting her eyes again. "And I told you that because even though everyone else can't see it, I know everything that is packed into my head, from my jobs to losing David, to losing Izzy, to losing you, to knowing how much I left Ali high and dry, to not knowing how to help my brother in his heartache. I know that emotionally, I have fallen off the wagon more than I have gotten back onto it. Emotionally, I don't know where the fuck I stand. I didn't know where the fuck I stood when I met you, either. I was someone else. Now I'm trying to be me again. I warned you over and over again, Harri, that I didn't know what I was doing and that you might get hurt because of it. I've told you I was sorry, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore. Everyone says you can't love two people, but they never give me any clues of how I'm supposed to feel inside, and all I feel is lost. I stay, things hurt. I go away to try and make a clean break, things hurt. I can't apologise enough, but as long as I'm still hurting myself, how could I ever know how to not hurt other people? I just want to be happy, only I'm incapable of knowing what that is anymore. I don't know if I have enough of me left to give anyone, but I'm trying. I just know that if there is even just a small piece of me left, right now there is only one person who has to get that." He pointed to her swollen stomach. "My son."

Harri reached out to grab his hand, and held it as she kissed the back of it. It was all she could manage, with her baby bump she wasn't sure she'd be able to get up and kiss his forehead without knocking him out. "I want you happy to, even if I was wishing your balls would shrivel up and drop off for days on end. I'm sorry if I couldn't give you happiness, and I'm sorry if you won't be able to find it with Isabel because you're doubting yourself. I will, however, be glad if you can find it with our son."

James closed his eyes and rested his forehead against her fingers. This wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair. Why couldn't he just know in his gut not what he wanted, but what he needed? Why, when he had been with Harri, did it feel so much like he needed Izzy, and now, that he was with Izzy, did it feel so much like he needed Harri? In the meantime, he had caused Cameron to feel the only route was to step away from Izzy and his own kids. James had probably potentially ruined everything for the guy that he so desperately needed with his own son. Their son. This realisation caused a sob to catch in his throat. How had he stolen something so precious from someone in a stupid moment of weakness? But they had made their choice. He and Izzy were trying to make something work again, and it wasn't that it wasn't working. It was, maybe better than it ever had with them. Only, what was it that was working? There was the warmth there, the comfort and familiarity. The friendship. The deep, undeniable loving friendship. But were their hearts really there for a passionate and romantic relationship? Did they even want that off each other anymore, or was the sex they had just for comfort and security? For reminding each other they weren't dead, and still had each other? He loved Izzy, and always had done, but was that special little spark that had the heart turning in somersaults there anymore or was it just loving affection that wasn't ever going to die between them? "Can I be there when he's born?" he asked in a whisper, squeezing his hand tightly. "Please? I don't want to miss it. I want to be there for you both."

Harri gave a nod, her blue eyes fixed on him. "Yes. Just don't blame if I do try and rip your dick off. It won't be too personal." She shifted in her seat, grunting as a bolt of pain shot through her back. But there was something else, something else much more worrying as she kept looking at James, and felt a familiar heat creep throughout her body, and start to make her pulse with need. "You need to go now, James. Before I try and jump you despite the beach ball."

James stood up stiffly and nodded. "Yeah, of course." He hadn't actually taken in what she said, just that she wanted him to go and he knew he had to respect that. He could hardly think straight and his head was starting to do that pressured throbbing thing again. "Just, um... if you need anything, give me a call," he told her, shoving his hands into his pockets so he didn't try to reach for her. He had to get out of there too before he did anything he would regret.

Harri was already doing something she regretted as she pulled him in for a kiss, managing it despite the baby bump between them. "I can't call you with what I need," she said helplessly when she'd broken the kiss off. "You're with her now. I'm sorry about the--I couldn't help it. I did warn you."

James touched his lips and looked at her in shock for a few moments. He blinked, trying to wade through the confusion and took a step towards the door. "I-I'll go," he said and looked away, heading out the door as quickly as he could. He couldn't take this anymore. If he didn't get out, he would screw everything up all over again. He had tears in his eyes as he escaped her office, but shot her receptionist a filthy look as he left, just to try and make himself feel better. He knew, however, he had no one to blame but himself.

Word Count | 4,366

From some dude on Mark's flist

2009-09-22T06:16:35Z

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...

3 - the Achiever

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose AZ - your Enneagram type is THREE (aka "The Performer").

"I need to succeed"

Achievers are energetic, optimistic, self-assured, and goal oriented.

How to Get Along with Me

• Leave me alone when I am doing my work.

• Give me honest, but not unduly critical or judgmental, feedback.

• Help me keep my environment harmonious and peaceful.

• Don't burden me with negative emotions.

• Tell me you like being around me.

• Tell me when you're proud of me or my accomplishments.

What I Like About Being a THREE

• being optimistic, friendly, and upbeat

• providing well for my family

• being able to recover quickly from setbacks and to charge ahead to the next challenge

• staying informed, knowing what's going on

• being competent and able to get things to work efficiently

• being able to motivate people

What's Hard About Being a THREE

• having to put up with inefficiency and incompetence

• the fear on not being -- or of not being seen as -- successful

• comparing myself to people who do things better

• struggling to hang on to my success

• putting on facades in order to impress people

• always being "on." It's exhausting.

THREEs as Children Often

• work hard to receive appreciation for their accomplishments

• are well liked by other children and by adults

• are among the most capable and responsible children in their class or school

• are active in school government and clubs or are quietly busy working on their own projects

THREEs as Parents

• are consistent, dependable, and loyal

• struggle between wanting to spend time with their children and wanting to get more work done

• expect their children to be responsible and organized

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele, The Enneagram Made Easy. Discover the 9 Types of People.

Harper: San Francisco, 1994, 161 pages

You liked the test? so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!!

(copypaste the HTML-code from below to your profile or blog!)

please, leave a comment HERE

you wanna know MORE? so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type... ...even more you'll find in Google

_____________________

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose AZ. Use the BACK-button of your browser to see the other options!

Take The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test at HelloQuizzy

What a load of fuck

2009-09-16T10:13:15Z

You Need Some Green in Your Life

Green will make you feel alive, renewed, and balanced.

And with a little green, you will project an aura of peacefulness and harmony.

If you want stability, you've got to get a little green in your life!

For extra punch: Combine green with blue or purple

The downside of green: It can promote jealousy in yourself or others

The consequences of more green in your life:

You will be drawn to a new life path

You will feel free to pursue new ideas and interests, no matter how strange

You will be released from the demands and concerns of others

What Color Do You Need?

Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

musesandlyrics | 2.12. Scrubs quote

2009-09-16T06:14:35Z

2.12. "Oh I'm sorry but I think you are confusing me with someone who gives a crap."
Scrubs

Co-written with aussielawyer
[Follows THIS]

It was only the middle of the day, but already Mark felt like he had put in a full day's work. He had spent the morning in court, trying to defend a fraud that was as plain and simple as a pimple on an arse cheek, only to have it adjourned before lunch because some evidence or another hadn't been tendered, and all hell was breaking loose behind the scenes on the opposing side. Mark couldn't give a toss. He knew his own case was steady and sound. It was just a waiting game. So, after expecting to be in court all day, he suddenly found himself with a free afternoon and decided to have lunch at home before going back to the office.

Punching in the security code for his door, Mark unlocked his apartment and went inside. The last thing he expected in a million years was to be met by a puppy about the size of a baseball coming flying at him with a sharp bark that seemed to scare itself, right before it flopped on it's back with it's legs going a mile a minute in the air. Mark just stared down at it, stilled, his mouth hanging open, before... "JAMES!" he called out with a growl. It wasn't like the pup let itself in, complete with security code access, was it? The thing didn't even know how to bark! Or not pee on the carpet when it got over-excited... "Fuck! JAMES! You better friggen be here, you bastard! This is wool carpet!"

As if that all wasn't bad enough. When James appeared from up the hallway of the apartment, Mark felt like someone pulled the pee-covered carpet out from under him. His brother was nursing a baby in his arms, who, after no less than ten seconds made a small, upset sobbing noise right before she started wailing at the top of her lungs. Mark didn't know whether to be shocked, or angry, or upset, or curious, but a range of emotions washed through him at a rapid pace. He had a tight grip on his briefcase, his knuckles probably turning white at the force. Mark didn't need this, he really, really fucking didn't.

"Mark," James began, hesitating when he didn't know himself what he was supposed to do or say. "I'm sorry. I was going to explain. I just... Ali with Andrew... I wanted to help, because I was a bastard... and she is my niece, so I just..." he floundered. Mark had paled distinctly just at the sight of the baby and James realised this was probably the first time he was seeing her in the flesh. It shouldn't have happened like this, but James had left numerous messages with Mark's secretary to call him, only evidently Mark hadn't gone back to his office. He also knew Mark was still stinging a little after being thrust into the position of helping Ali with Andrew the night Andrew got himself into trouble.

Mark just held up his hand and shook his head, moving back towards the door again. "I should never have come back," he said lowly.

"Wait, Mark. You can still get lunch! I just... I..." James said helplessly, losing his ability to explain soundly.

Mark shot James an unreadable but cold look. "To the States," he elaborated and turned to leave again. He couldn't fucking deal with this.

But James went after him, and grabbed the edge of his sleeve. "Mark, I was just hoping you might be able to do me a favour," he said, almost wanting to fold under the sound of Jamie's upset crying. "Can you watch her, just for about an hour or so? I know! I know it's fucking piss-poor of me to ask because of everything, but I have one fuck of a migraine and I need to take my injection. I just need a break, just for a little bit. I'm desperate! I promised Ali I would help her."

Mark looked at him in exasperation, trying to avoid looking at the baby in anyway. "No. Fuck off. What part of taking care of the kid is leaving her with me? Ali doesn't want me anywhere near her!"

"That's not true! She just wants Andrew to be Jamie's father! It doesn't mean you have to be absolutely nothing to her! You can be her uncle! Just... one hour, Mark. Please?" James begged, his head pounding like his brain wanted to claw it's way out of his skull.

Mark paused and banged his hand against the wall just enough to filter out some frustration, but not do any damage. He stood there, head hung and eyes closed for a few moments to try and regain his composure. He looked back at James, lips pressed together. Why was he always so weak when James needed help? "One hour," he growled. "And you clean up the dog piss."

All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe

Word Count | 819

musebysentence | 18.1. Law & Order

2009-09-15T05:59:38Z

LINK: Law & Order... it's never that black and white.

Problem with authority snort

2009-09-10T07:35:22Z

You Are Helter Skelter

You are loud, rebellious, and prone to make a bit of a scene.

You have major problems with authority. You hate being told what to do.

You are independent and adventurous. Life is a wild ride, and you aren't afraid to jump on the roller coaster.

You are outrageous, honest, and sometimes shocking. You say what you feel and expect the same of others.

What Beatles Song Are You?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything