Filthy Impetuous Soul

It's possible this makes me a shitty person

2026-06-03T00:22:33Z

But anyone trying too hard to be my friend repulses me in an almost physical way. I want to be kind, and I'm never outright mean...in fact I frequently disregard my own boundaries in favor of not making the other person feel bad. Because I start wondering if I've been that person. And then I'm sure I have been.

aebon @ 2026-05-28T18:26:00

2026-05-28T22:26:29Z

aebon @ 2026-03-18T08:44:00

2026-03-18T12:44:45Z

New Moon in Pisces

Uncloaking the miraculous

Alex Amorosi

Mar 17

The new moon comes through at 28 degrees of Pisces on Wednesday March 18th at 9:23pm eastern time. This lunation is a soft landing for a rough and tumble eclipse season that calls us back to unattended subterranean spaces in our emotional and spiritual lives. The sun and moon are both ruled by Jupiter recently stationed direct in Cancer which adds a caring and private flavor to the upcoming month. Mercury is also setting up to station direct conjoined the moon’s north node in Pisces on Friday March 20th which suggests we will be compelled towards making our more personal dreams an external reality.

The signs of Virgo and Pisces straddle the equinox points with Virgo heralding the coming of the dark in the autumnal equinox and Pisces heralding the light in the vernal equinox. A way to imagine Pisces is as a scuba diver just under the surface of the ocean. This diver can look up and see the sun through the waves and also look down to see the murky depths that obfuscate the deep ocean floor. The diver, Pisces, can neither see the sun nor the ocean floor clearly. In each direction its view is slightly obscured and skewed.

Since it cannot fully perceive this light, Pisces glamorizes the light with narratives of mythic divine perfection, much as the opposing sign of Virgo glamorizes the darkness with narratives of mythic demonic sin. Pisces conjures an image of Eden, Virgo conjures an image of hell. But these images are conjured and not emblematic of reality. It is for this reason that Virgo seems to always imagine it has committed a sin that does not exist and Pisces seems to imagine a rosy perfection that does not exist. Both signs have blind spots in different directions, and they fill in those blind spots with what they believe or want to be present, not necessarily what actually is or is not present.

As the moon renews in Pisces, we are most likely called to ask ourselves where we have projected a sense of perfection that in reality does not exist. We may be asked to examine long standing cycles of idealization and disappointment as we grapple with bringing an aspirational Eden down to the unavoidably messy world of humanity. And with the new moon so close to the very end of the zodiac, we may be asked to once and for all release ourselves from the shackles of a standard of purity that does not exist.

The release from this prison begins with letting reality fill in the blind spots rather than imagination. When Pisces encounters reality it can feel like a betrayal. What was imagination was conflated with reality, and the ensuing fallout of this imaginative bubble popping can be quite destabilizing. But as Pisces begins to realize that it was worshipping a distorted fragmentation of its own projected mind, it slowly begins to see that tangible existence, the realm of the good old fashioned real, has a beauty all of its own. To extend our metaphor, it’s as though the diver surfaces and sees the sun clearly for the first time. It may not be the mythologized image as seen from below the waves, but it has its own innate splendor.

The new moon ruled from Cancer also suggests that there is something that has just been born and is in the tender stages of early development. When we shed the ideal for the real, we can shepherd this new creation with more love and more sustainability. The shadow of Pisces is a dogmatic intolerance for its projected “fill in the gaps” imagination to be contaminated by the unholy audacity of reality. When Pisces is affronted in such a way, it is easy for a sign that projects compassion to shun the object of this perceived imperfection in disgust.

Jupiter in Cancer asks us to nurture the reality of what we are and what is right in front of us. It reminds us that infancy is wondrous and at the same time confounding, unsteady, and messy. And it reminds us that often what we think are contaminating factors are actually the aspects of our experience that are showing us true perfection.

And as the new moon resets us for the month to come, the uncanny imagination of Pisces can be put to use not to fill in the gaps of distorted forms, but to summon us forward towards a truly satisfying new adventure. We can imagine that what might be just above the surface of the water could be infinitely more exciting than what we thought was there.

The trick is to trust the manifestation that comes even as it carries variants from our vision. Visions are not meant to be lived, they are meant to summon life, inform life, and carry us forward. As we summon the vision, we also nurture its manifested form into being by allowing that manifested form to also carry its own life. How often have we received something we so much wanted but it was not what we thought it would be? How often have we received blessings but kicked them aside because they did not meet a strict vision we held in our minds of how they “should” appear or manifest?

This new moon invites us to create the vision and let the cosmos bring us the form that is the right manifestation of that vision. If we can see the materialization of the vision as it appears, we may welcome new gifts into our experience that go far beyond our ability to conceive in our own minds. We can trust that a bigger mind can fill in the gaps for us much better than we can. In our humility, blessings may seem to magically appear right in front of our eyes. Not because they magically materialized, but because we released the perceptual distortions that prevented them from being seen. As this moon is reborn, it uncloaks the miracles that have always been sparkling just under the surface.

Those coincidental moments.

2026-02-20T13:32:39Z

I was pondering and had a brief conversation yesterday about how reliant on not only the internet most of us are, but also on technology in general. Today's Astro Poets reading for the Saturn-Neptune conjunction in my sun sign:

You will love many parts of the Saturn-Neptune conjunction. The urge to re-see your beliefs will have you in a place of wonder. The way that the conjunction will ask you to re-examine how technology affects you each day will also surprise you. You may want to consider living a life free of your computer and phone. Work will keep you from embracing this fully, but you might think about how you can cut back technology’s influence. Try to draw beautiful things daily.

It seems a little silly to note this here, for obvious reasons, but where this is my longest-extant internet hangout, it seemed right.

aebon @ 2025-11-30T09:14:00

2025-11-30T14:14:54Z

I feel like I spend a lot of time chasing nostalgia instead of making new memories, and I need to work on that.

Lion's Gate

2025-08-08T15:05:51Z

Today is a good day to set intentions.

Trying something new.

2025-07-31T12:16:59Z

Today I am thankful for:

The 20 degree drop in temperature and coming rain storm
The cardinal who built a nest right outside my house, and the two babies that seem to be thriving
Dinner with my best friend
Hummingbird battles
The neon red of the salvia plant I got for free last weekend against the green of everything else

"Our bodies know how to heal. Our bodies want to heal."

2025-07-24T20:00:09Z

"It’s immeasurable, it’s tiny changes, it’s microscopic knittings back together. Until you notice that you have changed – and you didn’t do anything to make it happen.

...

Remember this, I want to tell myself. Remember that a skinned knuckle wants to heal just as much as our insides do. And they will, provided we don’t try so hard to intervene. Sometimes all we have to do is honor the hunger. Sometimes all we have to do is get out of our own way."

From Knuckles by Sarah Quirk

Desire

2025-05-29T12:29:52Z

by Christopher Buckley

Hands in my pockets, I came up with nothing

but keepsakes of dust, a dulled archipelago of air

stretching past my arms . . . night winds galloping

toward the islands at the end of the sea.

All that spun

and landed here, turned out to be those like myself,

walking around each morning with our ticket stubs

of intuition, our recent best guesses . . . looking up

through a vacancy of trees to a couple rags of cloud

caught there, dingy blossoms floating branch to

branch.

Neruda said the stones fell from the sky,

and science backs him up—all our beginnings

blasting out and dropping here or there beneath

the dark. . . .

Nothing—not the perfect restatement

of waves nor the borderless dominion of birds, not

the Southern Cross shimmering like a signet of hope—

has saved the least of us in our sleep.

Shuffling down

the path in the park, I go on whistling what was once

considered a lively tune, thankful to even be a satchel

of ligaments and bone still able to transact enough chemicals,

one neuron to another,

that I can appreciate the day lilies,

star jasmine, and have some idea about what’s missing

when a streak of grey engraves hosannas of moonlight,

the spindrift off the rocks, anything that sounds

remotely like a prayer

sent into the air to a god who,

in his infinite memory, must know he abandoned us

here—so many self-conscious molecular assemblies—

specs in a starry whirlwind of desire.

CONCORD, March 27, 1848, to Harrison Gray Otis Blake.

2025-02-25T20:38:51Z

I am glad to hear that any words of mine, though spoken so long ago that I can hardly claim identity with their author, have reached you. It gives me pleasure, because I have therefore reason to suppose that I have uttered what concerns men, and that it is not in vain that man speaks to man. This is the value of literature. Yet those days are so distant, in every sense, that I have had to look at that page again, to learn what was the tenor of my thoughts then. I should value that article, however, if only because it was the occasion of your letter.

I do believe that the outward and the inward life correspond; that if any should succeed to live a higher life, others would not know of it ; that difference and distance are one. To set about living a true life is to go a journey to a distant country, gradually to find ourselves surrounded by new scenes and men ; and as long as the old are around me, I know that I am not in any true sense living a new or a better life. The outward is only the outside of that which is within. Men are not concealed under habits, but are revealed by them ; they are their true clothes. I care not how curious a reason they may give for their abiding by them. Circumstances are not rigid and unyielding, but our habits are rigid. We are apt to speak vaguely sometimes, as if a divine life were to be grafted on to or built over this present as a suitable foundation. This might do if we could so build over our old life as to exclude from it all the warmth of our affection, and addle it, as the thrush builds over the cuckoo's egg, and lays her own atop, and hatches that only ; but the fact is, we, so thin is the partition, hatch them both, and the cuckoo's always by a day first, and that young bird crowds the young thrushes out of the nest. No. Destroy the cuckoo's egg, or build a new nest.

Change is change. No new life occupies the old bodies; they decay. It is born, and grows, and flourishes. Men very pathetically inform the old, accept and wear it. Why put up with the almshouse when you may go to heaven? It is embalming, no more. Let alone your ointments and your linen swathes, and go into an infant's body. You see in the catacombs of Egypt the result of that experiment, that is the end of it. I do believe in simplicity. It is astonishing as well as sad, how many trivial affairs even the wisest man thinks he must attend to in a day; how singular an affair he thinks he must omit. When the mathematician would solve a difficult problem, he first frees the equation of all incumbrances, and reduces it to its simplest terms. So simplify the problem of life, distinguish the necessary and the real. Probe the earth to see where your main roots run. I would stand upon facts. Why not see, use our eyes? Do men know nothing? I know many men who, in common things, are not to be deceived ; who trust no moonshine ; who count their money correctly, and know how to invest it; who are said to be prudent and knowing, who yet will stand at a desk the greater part of their lives, as cashiers in banks, and glimmer and rust and finally go out there. If they know anything, what under the sun do they do that for? Do they know what bread is? or what it is for? Do they know what life is? If they knew something, the places which know them now would know them no more forever.

This, our respectable daily life, in which the man of common sense, the Englishman of the world, stands so squarely, and on which our institutions are founded, is in fact the veriest illusion, and will vanish like the baseless fabric of a vision ; but that faint glimmer of reality which sometimes illuminates the darkness of daylight for all men, reveals something more solid and enduring than adamant, which is in fact the corner-stone of the world.

Men cannot conceive of a state of things so fair that it cannot be realized. Can any man honestly consult his experience and say that it is so? Have we any facts to appeal to when we say that our dreams are premature? Did you ever hear of a man who had striven all his life faithfully and singly toward an object and in no measure obtained it? If a man constantly aspires, is he not elevated? Did ever a man try heroism, magnanimity, truth, sincerity, and find that there was no advantage in them? That it was a vain endeavor? Of course we do not expect that our paradise will be a garden. We know not what we ask. To look at literature ; how many fine thoughts has every man had! How few fine thoughts are expressed! Yet we never have a fantasy so subtile and ethereal, but that talent merely, with more resolution and faithful persistency, after a thousand failures, might fix and engrave it in distinct and enduring words, and we should see that our dreams are the solidest facts that we know. But I speak not of dreams.

What can be expressed in words can be expressed in life.

My actual life is a fact, in view of which I have no occasion to congratulate myself; but for my faith and aspiration I have respect. It is from these that I speak. Every man's position is in fact too simple to be described. I have sworn no oath. I have no designs on society, or nature, or God. I am simply what I am, or I begin to be that. I live in the present. I only remember the past, and anticipate the future. I love to live. I love reform better than its modes. There is no history of how bad became better. I believe something, and there is nothing else but that. I know that I am. I know that another is who knows more than I, who takes interest in me, whose creature, and yet whose kindred, in one sense, am I. I know that the enterprise is worthy. I know that things work well. I have heard no bad news.

As for positions, combinations, and details, what are they? In clear weather, when we look into the heavens, what do we see but the sky and the sun? If you would convince a man that he does wrong, do right. But do not care to convince him. Men will believe what they see. Let them see. Pursue, keep up with, circle round and round your life, as a dog does his master s chaise. Do what you love. Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still. Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something. All fables, indeed, have their morals; but the innocent enjoy the story. Let nothing come between you and the light. Respect men and brothers only. When you travel to the Celestial City, carry no letter of introduction. When you knock, ask to see God, none of the servants. In what concerns you much, do not think that you have companions: know that you are alone in the world. Thus I write at random. I need to see you, and I trust I shall, to correct my mistakes. Perhaps you have some oracles for me.

HENRY THOREAU.

I think I'm done here.

2024-01-01T16:42:25Z

I found what I needed. I'll just be logging thoughts privately from here out, proper diary style. Don't go looking for the key.

Happy 2024, everyone.

Window

2023-08-25T03:46:32Z

Forugh Farrokhzad

A metaphor.

2023-08-04T13:49:54Z

https://www.nicolabertellotti.com/

Craft Your Epic History

2023-07-04T14:05:18Z

Excerpt from Astrology Is Real: Revelations from My Life as an Oracle
By ROB BREZSNY

At its best, astrology stimulates and nurtures our mythopoetic intelligence. It’s a psychological improvisation grounded in the language of the soul. Storytelling is its forte, the source of its energy. Those practitioners who understand its true value don’t use it in a quest for factual data and crisp answers and logical analysis.

Psychoanalyst Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, believed the search for meaning and purpose is the supreme goal of most human lives. Astrology provides its best blessings when it is in service to that imperative.

How does the search for meaning and purpose happen? Where does it come from? A key component is the sense that each of our lives—yours, mine, our loved ones, everyone—is a long, interesting story composed of linked chapters. Most of us want to understand our destiny as an epic myth woven with plot twists and adventures.

There’s no one right way to assemble our personal tales, no standardized strategy for creating our one-of-a-kind masterpieces. The process is unruly, accented with surprises, and often nonrational. We want there to be overarching themes that thread their ways from beginning to end, and we also want subplots, mysterious diversions, perplexing cul-de-sacs, and events that don’t make total sense but contribute to the artistry of the big picture.

At its best, astrology serves this heroic fun. It’s a lyrical tool that helps us craft our epic histories and generate rich troves of meaning.

Doctor Who, the science fiction character who stars in the TV show of the same name, offers sage advice: “We are all stories in the end. Make yours a good one, eh?”

The wise use of astrology can help us do that.

Happy Solstice, and welcome to Cancer Season

2023-06-21T14:08:06Z

Let's feel some feelings and absorb some vitamin D.

Mistakes Will Be Made

2023-04-24T14:49:33Z

Today, tomorrow, and forever.

"The real challenge of being alive is to savor the moment and give your love freely in spite of the clown show unfolding around you."

HEATHER HAVRILESKY

5 Day Forecast: Rain

2023-04-23T16:03:25Z

There are times when I'm more inclined to appreciate asymmetry. Days I see the beauty in incongruity. Today is one of those.

A reason why?

2023-04-11T02:28:28Z

When I was 12, I came very close to going through the windshield of my dad's Bronco. It was the day we moved into our new house (the house my parents still live in), and dad and I were coming back from the video rental store. My parents weren't the kind of people who made us wear seatbelts, because it was the 90s and we all lived like we were already dead. So when we collided with the car that took a poorly-timed turn into our probably-too-fast-because-dad's-a-speeder oncoming path, I kept going 60mph when the truck abruptly stopped. There was a considerable dent in the spider-webbed windshield that proved the force of my impact. I probably should have gone to the hospital. I remember the officer at the scene suggesting it, and I vaguely recall saying I was okay. I've always had a habit of saying I'm okay when I'm not. So we just went home after the information was exchanged, and I likely went to sleep that night with both glass particles in my forehead, and a concussion.

I recently recalled this experience and it dawned on me that maybe slight brain damage explains the way I am now. The darkness that crept in over the following years. That, plus the genetics on mom's side. Maybe I never really had a chance at being what anyone might call normal.

Tuesday By Alex Dimitrov

2023-04-10T13:39:10Z

When I can’t talk to anyone
I like to sit in front of water.
If I have a minute to feel good
I take that minute. I have a cigarette.
I walk into the museum of past lives
and rearrange all the chairs.
This poem is meant to be read
at the bar on a Tuesday
when you’re dehydrated
and not feeling so great.
I want to know you
like a dog touches the wind
with its tongue. I want to know
why time moves impossibly slow
when pain rises, and what makes it
speed up like two people
looking for each other
at the end of the night.
When was the last time someone
looked at you like a bridge
held by cold air? Like the cars
flying down the FDR
taking us where we imagine
is better than where we are.
I imagined it differently also.
I imagined more than mixed feelings,
tough leather, the last yes coming
so quickly. Men and how they
pace awkwardly before parting.
Cats and how they roam
freely in bodegas at dawn.
The towers in photos.
The tulips of April.
The person in a theater
now watching the credits,
reading the names, stalling
to put on their coat or their scarf
or their gloves. Or maybe
not stalling. Maybe they’re
waiting for the music to change.
Not everything is an ending.
Not anything’s worth believing.
And you can begin anytime
like this whole world began
out of nothing. You can walk out
tonight and feel totally new.
All you need is the right pair of boots.

aebon @ 2023-03-21T12:28:00

2023-03-21T16:28:30Z

Human brains haven't kept track with technological advancement and evolved fast enough to process all the bad news and negativity constantly available now. And I think everyone is finally starting to notice.

Holding yourself accountable.

2023-03-01T16:28:06Z

“The trouble with ‘if only’ is that it doesn’t change anything. It keeps the person facing the wrong way – backward instead of forward. It wastes time. In the end, if you let it become a habit, it can become a real roadblock – an excuse for not trying anymore.”

― Arthur Gordon, A Touch of Wonder

There's a fine line, a delicate balance, that must be acknowledged when considering past actions and how they affect your future. While you should always take responsibility for your actions in the moment, you can't blame your past self for things you can no longer change or take in a different direction. You can only focus on being a better version of the person you used to be. But always remember that old version, so you can track your progress.

Saturn in Pisces - Dissolving Boundaries by Lynn Bell

2023-02-27T16:01:32Z

Pisces enters Saturn March 7, 2023
(Summarized to highlight main themes)

In Pisces, Saturn loses its footing, its certainty. The maps we formerly used to navigate the world may no longer apply. Our guidance system becomes erratic.

As Saturn leaves Aquarius on March 7, 2023, the last of its ‘home’ signs, the old rules crumble, and the new ones may be hard to grasp. We are asked to take a leap of faith and develop other forms of perception as the boundaries of the world shift and change.

On an individual level, Saturn in Pisces will bring us forward, but we may not yet know where we are going. If we work with Saturn in this sign, it brings compassion and a gift of subtle insight. Planets in Pisces ask us to acknowledge our implicit connectedness, feel things deeply, and identify with the experiences of others.

Just as the fish in the Pisces constellation swim in opposite directions, Saturn in Pisces is ambivalent. Saturn asks us to enlarge and encompass more, but we can feel frightened when our boundaries lose solidity. We can feel destabilized by a lack of control and overwhelmed by chaos. At its most extreme, this transit gives rise to a sort of madness and unleashes disturbances that temporarily seize the collective. All sense of proportion can be lost in a wave of destructive emotion fueled by false notions of the other.

As Saturn goes into Pisces, we will meet the opportunity to determine whether we need fewer boundaries (more openness) or more boundaries to protect ourselves from chaotic forces.

Saturn in Pisces dissolves boundaries, and when we are unnecessarily walled off or overprotected, it can be liberating to drop some defenses. It can also be frightening to feel at sea. One of Saturn’s primary functions is to protect, solidify, and define our limits. In contrast, Pisces is the most fluid, changeable, and multiform of signs. Pisces has an inherent sense of limitlessness, infinite possibilities, a wide range of emotions, and a vast imagination.

Saturn’s passage in this sign is paradoxical. It can dissolve barriers to freedom and redefine our core myths. It can also give rise to fear, leading to redoubled efforts for control, often empowered by a fervent faith that another way of being or living would be preferable.

Pisces can come as a wave bigger than all of us, and we may be powerless to resist some of what flows in. The changes that swept the world in the mid-1960s were experienced by many to be a mix of confounding, exhilarating, marvelous, and frightening. Psychedelics fueled some, and the fear of these changes later emerged as a war on drugs–a tightly Saturnine response to the powerful shift in consciousness. We note that in current times, there is a trend in the medical community to reintroduce experiments with psychedelic substances to treat trauma and depression. Saturn in Pisces will likely bring a more mature approach to inducing powerful changes in consciousness.

Saturn in Pisces may also reveal our disconnection from the physical body and other people, making it urgent to reconnect with the senses, the earth, and the living world. It can affect our personal myths and shake our faith in the future.

Saturn in Pisces asks us to step into the place between waves—between old forms dissolving and new ones rising. If we know how to surrender, magic may come. It can be pulled, a gossamer thread, drawing forth a novel pattern of being. If our understanding is fine enough, we may sidestep the undertow of past emotions —the imprint of self-defeating behaviors —and create new possibilities.

Saturn in Pisces will prompt us to choose between old stories and new myths. We will decide how to make sense of the changes in our world and engage in the new possibilities of being human.

Old Scratch

2023-02-22T19:58:38Z

Something I wrote on this day last year, when I learned Mark Lanegan had passed:

Mark Lanegan wasn’t my idol. To say he was my favorite musician is trite and inconsequential. I’m sad he won’t create anything new, and that I’ll never get to see him awkwardly grace a stage again, but I’m most heartbroken that he never seemed to know how loved he was for what he created.

Mark was the gatekeeper to a secret, vast, and shimmering dark ocean. He held within him a place I could go when my soul was parched and needed to sink into black depths, when my heart needed to be baptized in pain. In that tenebrous sea, there was silent connection.

What we’ve lost in Mark’s passing, though, is only new doorways. He left the main gate unlocked, and anyone who knows how to find it can still walk through. The connection to be found on the shore is greater than ever. We’ll all be there on that creeping coastline, our lights bright beacons to each other.

Well that was a bit on the nose.

2023-02-02T13:14:03Z

Ever have a compulsion to check out one of those dream interpretation websites after a particularly vivid dream and have it be shockingly relevant?

#deepthoughts

2023-01-18T14:40:37Z

"When you love people very much, isn't it grand to be able to join in their happiness? Like everything else in the world, however, there is a price to pay for love, for the more happiness we derive from the existence and companionship of other human beings, the more vulnerable we are when there is any cause for apprehension. It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who live generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death."

-Eleanor Roosevelt, "My Day, April 1, 1939"