FIC: gintama - get used to it
Title: get used to it
Fandom: Gintama
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Gintoki/Katsura
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: You could save us both some embarrassment here.
Notes: CRACK ALERT. Genderbent + pregnant Zura, Kagura is awful in every way, I just can't apologise enough.
Cross-posted to
ginzura.
Gintoki notices two things in rapid succession the moment he and Shinpachi step through the door. The first is that Zura’s boobs look huge, which is to say, she looks like she actually has them in the first place, and the second is that Kagura, sitting entirely parallel to Zura down to the feet propped up on the table, appears to be pregnant.
“No,” Gintoki says flatly, immediately grabbing Kagura’s ankle. He yanks the girl into the air and upside down, shaking the pillow out of her shirt. “No, no, no!”
“Gin-chan, stop it, you’ll make my baby come out stupid!” cries Kagura, who easily kicks off Gintoki’s hand, and then knees him in the throat. He drops the girl back on the couch, clutching his windpipe feebly, unable to retort with the obvious fact that it would already be stupid, considering its mother.
That he is momentarily robbed of speech is definitely the only thing that allows Kagura to keep talking. “It’s my body, you useless old man, and I wanna be pregnant!” she yells, scuttling her pillow back under her shirt.
“Kagura-chan,” Shinpachi interrupts, looking like his blood pressure’s going up just from saying it, “you don’t want to be pregnant.”
“Yes I do!” insists the girl, resuming her mimicry of Zura, who seems entirely unaffected by her surroundings, placidly eating pineapple slices out of a cup. Sadaharu sleeps on, similarly unaffected, on the floor beside the couch. “Mama Zura -- ”
“Katsura,” the first interjection.
“ -- eats like a pig! She puts it away like a sumo wrestler, yup! I want that kind of staying power!”
“Why are you treating obesity like a high score?” coughs Gintoki, outrage finally winning over pain. “You’ll never get pregnant in the first place if you keep striving to put your initials in the top slot for stomach rolls!”
“Shut up, Gin-chan! This is womens’ concerns!” She pats her pillow-baby stomach, reaching for a pudding cup. It’s then Gintoki registers that the carnage pile of food wrappers, used bowls, and dirty chopsticks, has grown exponentially larger since he left this afternoon.
“Oi, oi, oi!” he shouts. “What the hell is all this, aa? I don’t have the money to feed two black holes!”
“G-Gin-san, Katsura-san can’t really help that...”
The long-haired woman sniffs. “Can you believe that? His indecency?”
“Tch, you think you can talk about indecent, like that? I know that’s not a pillow, but what the hell are those?”
Zura blinks, looking up from the devoted feast Kagura and she are attending. After a moment, she queries, “Mango fruit cups?”
“Not those, damnit! I’m glad you’re finally accepting your role as a woman, but you need to stop playing weird games with that gorilla, oi! Get those out of there -- ”
“What are you -- don’t -- !”
Of course, by the time Gintoki has yanked the top of Zura’s yukata apart, it’s already too late to stop him. The whole room freezes.
“GIN-SAN,” screams Shinpachi, blood shooting out of his nose like a rocket. “THOSE ARE AREN’T PILLOWS!”
Zura flushes a deep crimson, hands flying up to cover the (truthfully, rather small) chest normally bound tight. Femininity has not dulled the amount of scorn she can fit into seven words. “GET OFF OF ME, YOU DISGUSTING BASTARD.”
“Mama Zura’s udders are getting big for the baby,” explains Kagura helpfully. “Being pregnant is great! Once I get knocked up, I’m gonna have boobs out to here, yup!”
“THAT’S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, YOU’D FALL FORWARD ALL THE TIME,” yells Shinpachi, who seems to have gone deaf from the pure, adolescent shock. Gintoki would round on him for being a perverted protege when he’s supposed to be pure of heart and soul and so on, but really, he’s far too busy plugging his own gushing nose.
There is, also to consider, the violence. He trips backwards as he avoids the vicious lashing kick Zura deals out. Surprisingly, what comes out of his mouth is not “Try it again, shitty wig” or “You kick like a girl playing hopskotch,” but “H-hey, you’re going to rattle him up!”
Yukata primly readjusted, Zura pauses. A dubious glance is cast at Kagura mimicking Zura’s kicks on Shinpachi, and the resulting shouting match. Sadaharu, stirred into a grumpy wakefulness from the noise, bites the first thing he sees -- Gintoki’s arm.
“He should probably get used it,” she responds, over the screaming.
Fandom: Gintama
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Gintoki/Katsura
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: You could save us both some embarrassment here.
Notes: CRACK ALERT. Genderbent + pregnant Zura, Kagura is awful in every way, I just can't apologise enough.
Cross-posted to
ginzura.Gintoki notices two things in rapid succession the moment he and Shinpachi step through the door. The first is that Zura’s boobs look huge, which is to say, she looks like she actually has them in the first place, and the second is that Kagura, sitting entirely parallel to Zura down to the feet propped up on the table, appears to be pregnant.
“No,” Gintoki says flatly, immediately grabbing Kagura’s ankle. He yanks the girl into the air and upside down, shaking the pillow out of her shirt. “No, no, no!”
“Gin-chan, stop it, you’ll make my baby come out stupid!” cries Kagura, who easily kicks off Gintoki’s hand, and then knees him in the throat. He drops the girl back on the couch, clutching his windpipe feebly, unable to retort with the obvious fact that it would already be stupid, considering its mother.
That he is momentarily robbed of speech is definitely the only thing that allows Kagura to keep talking. “It’s my body, you useless old man, and I wanna be pregnant!” she yells, scuttling her pillow back under her shirt.
“Kagura-chan,” Shinpachi interrupts, looking like his blood pressure’s going up just from saying it, “you don’t want to be pregnant.”
“Yes I do!” insists the girl, resuming her mimicry of Zura, who seems entirely unaffected by her surroundings, placidly eating pineapple slices out of a cup. Sadaharu sleeps on, similarly unaffected, on the floor beside the couch. “Mama Zura -- ”
“Katsura,” the first interjection.
“ -- eats like a pig! She puts it away like a sumo wrestler, yup! I want that kind of staying power!”
“Why are you treating obesity like a high score?” coughs Gintoki, outrage finally winning over pain. “You’ll never get pregnant in the first place if you keep striving to put your initials in the top slot for stomach rolls!”
“Shut up, Gin-chan! This is womens’ concerns!” She pats her pillow-baby stomach, reaching for a pudding cup. It’s then Gintoki registers that the carnage pile of food wrappers, used bowls, and dirty chopsticks, has grown exponentially larger since he left this afternoon.
“Oi, oi, oi!” he shouts. “What the hell is all this, aa? I don’t have the money to feed two black holes!”
“G-Gin-san, Katsura-san can’t really help that...”
The long-haired woman sniffs. “Can you believe that? His indecency?”
“Tch, you think you can talk about indecent, like that? I know that’s not a pillow, but what the hell are those?”
Zura blinks, looking up from the devoted feast Kagura and she are attending. After a moment, she queries, “Mango fruit cups?”
“Not those, damnit! I’m glad you’re finally accepting your role as a woman, but you need to stop playing weird games with that gorilla, oi! Get those out of there -- ”
“What are you -- don’t -- !”
Of course, by the time Gintoki has yanked the top of Zura’s yukata apart, it’s already too late to stop him. The whole room freezes.
“GIN-SAN,” screams Shinpachi, blood shooting out of his nose like a rocket. “THOSE ARE AREN’T PILLOWS!”
Zura flushes a deep crimson, hands flying up to cover the (truthfully, rather small) chest normally bound tight. Femininity has not dulled the amount of scorn she can fit into seven words. “GET OFF OF ME, YOU DISGUSTING BASTARD.”
“Mama Zura’s udders are getting big for the baby,” explains Kagura helpfully. “Being pregnant is great! Once I get knocked up, I’m gonna have boobs out to here, yup!”
“THAT’S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, YOU’D FALL FORWARD ALL THE TIME,” yells Shinpachi, who seems to have gone deaf from the pure, adolescent shock. Gintoki would round on him for being a perverted protege when he’s supposed to be pure of heart and soul and so on, but really, he’s far too busy plugging his own gushing nose.
There is, also to consider, the violence. He trips backwards as he avoids the vicious lashing kick Zura deals out. Surprisingly, what comes out of his mouth is not “Try it again, shitty wig” or “You kick like a girl playing hopskotch,” but “H-hey, you’re going to rattle him up!”
Yukata primly readjusted, Zura pauses. A dubious glance is cast at Kagura mimicking Zura’s kicks on Shinpachi, and the resulting shouting match. Sadaharu, stirred into a grumpy wakefulness from the noise, bites the first thing he sees -- Gintoki’s arm.
“He should probably get used it,” she responds, over the screaming.